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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:15Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service, presents the Abbott and Costello program.
00:23With the music of Leith Stevens and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes and the Camel Quintet,
00:27tonight's guest, Ms. Marlena Dietrich, and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:41Hey, Abbott!
00:43No, Costello.
00:44Oh, Abbott, will you stop that noise?
00:45What are you doing here in the studio, dressed in your bathing suit?
00:48Well, I spent all day trying to get my car out of the swimming pool.
00:51What was it doing there?
00:52Don't you read the papers, Abbott?
00:53The government says you have to pull your car.
00:57No, you dummy.
00:59They mean share the ride.
01:00You have to pick up people.
01:02Oh, I did that yesterday.
01:03I picked up Helen, Mary, Rosie, and Josie.
01:05But your car holds more than that.
01:07Yeah, but now they only allow you four gals a week.
01:12You can't get it.
01:13Well, never mind that, Costello.
01:15Where have you been all week?
01:16What have you been doing?
01:17Oh, boy, have I been having fun with Connie Haynes?
01:19No kidding.
01:19Last Saturday, I took her to a football game.
01:21What a game!
01:22What excitement!
01:23Any passes?
01:24No.
01:25Well, her mother was with us.
01:28And another thing happened, there was a man sitting next to us with a six-month-old baby.
01:31All afternoon, the kid was crying.
01:33He was so hungry!
01:35Well, didn't the father bring a bottle?
01:37Yeah, but the kid wanted milk.
01:40If I need to shut the kid up, I give him a penny.
01:43Well, does that keep him quiet?
01:44Yeah, but he kept waving the penny in front of my binoculars.
01:47It ruined the game.
01:48How did it ruin the game?
01:50All afternoon, Lincoln was playing in the backfield.
01:54No, no, no.
01:55Well, forget the football game.
01:56Much better this afternoon, huh?
01:57Yes, yes, yes.
01:58A lot better.
01:59We've got other things to worry about.
02:01You know, our announcer, Ken Niles, is complaining because he didn't have enough to do last week.
02:05Isn't that right, Ken?
02:05Yes, it is.
02:07After all, I could give the program a lift.
02:11I'm a shot in the arm.
02:12You said it.
02:13You're a dope.
02:15Don't be silly, Costello.
02:16Niles is very popular.
02:17Why, sure.
02:18Right after the broadcast last week, a lot of women chased me up Hollywood Boulevard,
02:21and one of them caught me and threw her arms around my neck.
02:24I saw that.
02:24You did?
02:25Yeah.
02:26Why did you snatch her pocketbook?
02:28Now, cut it out, Costello.
02:30Now, I talked to Ken's wife, and she says he should have more lines.
02:34She says he's got talent.
02:36She says he's terrific.
02:37She says he's colossal.
02:38She says this.
02:39She says that.
02:40I don't care what his wife says.
02:41Well, I do.
02:42My wife is a wonderful person.
02:44She's as necessary to me as an umbrella in a rainstorm.
02:47I'll take the umbrella.
02:48It's easier to shut up.
02:49No.
02:51Now, why don't you be reasonable, Costello?
02:52Mrs. Niles is a very sweet girl.
02:54Yes, she is.
02:55You know, she's a great deal like Sonia Henning.
02:57You mean you have to keep her on ice?
03:00Please.
03:00Are you folks hearing those?
03:02Now, wait a minute.
03:02Just a minute.
03:03Now, that isn't fair, Costello.
03:05Now, let's get together here.
03:06Give Ken a chance to show what he can do.
03:09Okay.
03:09Thanks, bud.
03:10I'd like to read a little tidbit that I could just happen to bring along.
03:14Oh, this is going to murder you.
03:17One night as I sat rocking, rocking on my chamber floor, came a knocking, gentle knocking,
03:22knocking on my chamber door.
03:24Quote the raven, nevermore.
03:26Quote the raven, nevermore.
03:29Hey, how'd you like that?
03:30Don't look now, but the raven just laid a name.
03:34Hello, everybody.
03:35And hello, my fat little sugar man.
03:38Oh, this voice of this kid is temperaneous.
03:42Quiet, quiet.
03:42Hello, Connie.
03:43Mr. Costello, honey, I'd like you and Mr. Abbott to meet someone.
03:48This is my Aunt Ruby.
03:49Hello.
03:50Nice to meet you.
03:51Hi, Aunt Ruby.
03:51How do you like California?
03:52Connie doesn't have enough to do.
03:54Wait a minute.
03:55After all, I...
03:55I listened to the program last week and there should be more music.
03:58Connie ought to sing four or five songs.
04:00There's nothing but talk on the program.
04:01And who wants to hear a lot of talk, talk, talk, talk?
04:04Talk, talk, talk, talk?
04:05Hold your hat.
04:05Here comes somebody, raise.
04:08After all, Mr. Costello, I taught Connie to sing.
04:11Why, even I sang in New York, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago.
04:15What about St. Louis?
04:16They beat the Yanks.
04:17Ha-ha, ha-ha.
04:19I really...
04:20Yeah.
04:22I really struck you out that time.
04:24You struck me out, huh?
04:25Mm-hmm.
04:26And you're just the old bat that can do it.
04:28Yeah.
04:32Now, just a second, Costello.
04:34You can't talk like that to Connie's Aunt Ruby.
04:37Maybe she's right.
04:38Maybe this program needs more singing.
04:39Exactly.
04:40Everyone loves singing.
04:41Something like this.
04:42Oh, through the night, there's a little brownwood singing.
04:46Oh, well, of course.
04:48You know, I just had my tonsils taken out.
04:50Had them put back in.
04:53Costello, what right have you got to criticize?
04:55What do you know about singing?
04:57Now, look, Abbott.
04:57If I hadn't come from such a large family, I'd have been a great singer.
05:00What did the large family have to do with it?
05:02I could never get in the bathroom.
05:04Oh, no.
05:05Come on, Costello.
05:06Make up your mind.
05:07Are you going to give Niles and Connie more to do or not?
05:09Why should I?
05:10If I give them more to do, the first thing you know, even the sound man will want more to
05:14do.
05:14And why shouldn't I?
05:15What did I have on last week's program?
05:17Nothing.
05:18Not even a door slam.
05:20I understand doors.
05:21I know doors inside and out.
05:23I talk to doors, and they talk to me.
05:25What do you hear from the moth?
05:34Ah, well, may you laugh.
05:35Little do you know how important every little sound is to me.
05:38Even the sound of a moth chewing on an overcoat.
05:41Like this.
05:46What's that funny sound?
05:47That's the moth spitting out the buttons, fire.
05:51Don't you think sounds are fascinating?
05:53Here is a sample of my day.
05:56When work is through, I walk home at night in the rain.
05:59I open the door.
06:01I go in and shut the door.
06:03Then I walk upstairs in the rain.
06:05It's raining in the house?
06:07Yes.
06:07We're waiting for a government ceiling.
06:14You must have a better rider than us, huh?
06:16I imagine so.
06:17I jump into bed and sleep.
06:21It's morning.
06:22What a night!
06:25I've got to catch the train.
06:26I kiss my wife before I go to the office.
06:28My wife kisses me.
06:30I kiss her and she kisses me.
06:32Yeah, wait a minute.
06:33What about the office?
06:34With a wife like that, why should he go to the office?
06:42Hey, look.
06:43Look at what I got.
06:44Look at all the money.
06:44Wait a minute, Costello.
06:45Where did you get that roll of bills?
06:47I went outside for a minute.
06:48Just when I reached the corner, a guy ran out of the bank with a bag full of money.
06:50And he gave me some.
06:51He gave it to you?
06:52Uh-huh.
06:53What did he look like?
06:54I couldn't tell.
06:54He had such a bad call, he had a handkerchief tied across his nose.
06:58Well, you dumb cluck, that was a mess.
07:00The man was a bank robber.
07:02Oh, I don't think so, Abbott.
07:03He was the president.
07:04He offered to sell me the bank for a squawk.
07:05Sell you the bank for a squawk?
07:07Yeah, he said, one squawk out of you and I'll give you the business.
07:12Of all the dumbbells, why didn't you go into the bank and investigate?
07:16I did go in.
07:17And what a way to run a business.
07:19I walked in and a couple of clerks were playing hide and seek.
07:21That's ridiculous.
07:22Honest.
07:22One guy was hiding in the closet.
07:24The other guy was under the counter.
07:26There was nobody around to play with him.
07:27Then there was another guy.
07:29What other guy?
07:29He was trying to do tricks.
07:31Trying to do tricks?
07:32Yeah, he was laying on the floor trying to escape from a lot of ropes.
07:34And you thought he was playing a game?
07:36Find time to play games.
07:38Ah.
07:38Yeah.
07:38Especially when he had a toothache.
07:40He didn't have a toothache.
07:41No?
07:41Then why did he have a plaster across his mouth?
07:43The man had a gag in his mouth.
07:45If he did, he never got a chance to tell it.
07:49You should have taken the plaster off his mouth.
07:51I did.
07:52And right away, a guy started worrying about his rationing card.
07:55Worrying about his rationing card?
07:57Yeah, he started yelling,
07:59They took the sugar.
08:02They took the shawl.
08:04No, no, no, Costello.
08:05The man was yelling because he was stuck up.
08:07Stuck up?
08:08Sure.
08:09A fine time to get a swelled head.
08:11No.
08:12Somebody might have robbed the place.
08:14He did rob the place.
08:16Look, was there anybody with him?
08:17Just a woman.
08:18A woman.
08:18Why didn't you mention her before?
08:20She didn't appeal to me.
08:21Oh.
08:23Did you pinch her?
08:24No.
08:25Then you should have held her.
08:26If I'd have held her, I'd have pinched her.
08:28You idiot.
08:30A little bit.
08:31Do you realize that by keeping the money and letting the crooks get away, you've made yourself an accomplice?
08:36Ken Niles, turn on the radio.
08:38Maybe we'll get a police report.
08:39Hurry up.
08:39Okay, bud.
08:40Okay.
08:42Hey, you hear that, Abbott?
08:43What's that?
08:44There's a message.
08:45Well, what does it say?
08:51Attention all citizens.
08:52The Fifth National Bank has just been held up by Black Pete and his gang of desperate bandits.
08:57When last seen, the gang was headed for their hideout at Deadpan Gulch.
09:00Also at large is their accomplice.
09:02Described as five feet tall.
09:03Five feet wide.
09:04That is all.
09:07That's me.
09:08Mr. Five by five.
09:12Costello, you know the police are after you.
09:13Now, you've got to capture that gang to clear yourself.
09:16Uh, no.
09:16You can't do it alone.
09:18So call a posse.
09:18That's the thing.
09:19Okay.
09:20Here, pushy, pushy, pushy.
09:21No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:22Here, pushy.
09:23No, no, please.
09:25Deadpan Gulch is in the heart of the cattle country.
09:28It's the home of the western bandits and cattle rustlers.
09:30Then I'm just a guy, Abbott.
09:31I became a three-letter man chasing cattle rustlers.
09:33Oh, how could you become a three-letter man chasing cattle rustlers?
09:36I sat on a branding iron.
09:39What?
09:40Does that cause you to catch the rustlers?
09:42Catch them?
09:42I passed them.
09:44But this is going to be a long trip.
09:46Now, you'll have to get an outfit.
09:47What are you going to wear?
09:48I'll wear a ten-gallon hat, a tan shirt, a leather belt, and a bloodhound.
09:52What pants?
09:53The bloodhound.
09:54No, all right.
09:55Never mind the outfit.
09:56And another thing you'll need is a horse.
09:58Have you got a horse?
09:58Have I got a horse?
09:59Yes.
09:59I got a horse.
10:00And he's my pal.
10:01Well, that's swell.
10:02I eat with my horse.
10:03That's wonderful.
10:03I drink with my horse.
10:04I even sleep with my horse.
10:06You sleep with your horse?
10:07I got it.
10:08It's his blanket.
10:10Now, tell me, can you ride a horse?
10:12Sure, I can ride a horse.
10:13One time, Abbott, I rode two horses at once, standing up.
10:16I had my right foot on one horse, my left foot on the other horse.
10:19All of a sudden, we came to a fork in the road.
10:21Each horse went in a different direction.
10:23That was a laugh.
10:24Yeah, I thought I'd split.
10:27Well, never mind.
10:28The first thing you have to do is find the Bannister Trail.
10:31When you do, you leap into the saddle and away you go.
10:34Your face is stern, your grip is sure, your clutch is firm.
10:36How's my transmission?
10:38All right, I'll ask you.
10:38Please be quiet.
10:39Then you ride.
10:40You ride out across the prairie.
10:42You ride for hours and hours on end.
10:44That sounds logical.
10:45Don't interrupt, please.
10:48You ride and you ride until your trousers are worn thin.
10:52Finally, there you are.
10:53I knew I'd come through.
10:55Yeah.
10:56Well, Capilla, what are you going to do?
10:57Are you going out after the bandits?
10:59Are you going to clear your name?
11:01I'm going to clear my name, Abbott.
11:02Attaboy.
11:02I'll do it.
11:03I knew it was in you.
11:04I'm going to get it out of me right now.
11:05Come on.
11:06I'll get the bandits.
11:07But just tell me one thing.
11:08If I get killed, what's going to happen to that little fellow that depends on me?
11:11The poor little fellow won't get anything to eat anymore.
11:13That poor little fellow wouldn't even have a roof over his head.
11:16If anything happens, Abbott, it'll kill him.
11:20The poor little fellow.
11:21Costello.
11:22Who is the poor little fellow?
11:24Me?
11:38And now, back to the adventures of our heroes, Abbott and Costello, as we find them hot on
11:43the trail of the bank bandit, Black Pete.
11:46Leading a posse of men, they track the villain to the lawless town of Deadpan Gulch.
11:50Here they are, riding up the main street of the town.
11:53Like the spurs, that jingle jangle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle.
11:59What's wrong?
11:59What's wrong?
12:00One of my spurs got stuck.
12:03Costello, what do you think you're doing?
12:04Why are you riding underneath your horse?
12:06Well, my horse isn't feeling well, Abbott, and the doctor told me to watch his stomach.
12:12Well, here we are, men.
12:14We'll probably find Black Pete in the Red Dog Cafe across the street.
12:18Stop your horses.
12:19Okay.
12:19Whoa.
12:20Whoa.
12:21Whoa, Nellie.
12:21Whoa.
12:22Whoa, boy.
12:23Whoa.
12:24Atta boy.
12:25Take it easy, Nellie.
12:27Sit down now.
12:28Whoa, Nellie.
12:29All right, men.
12:30Everybody into the bar for a drink.
12:33Now, now.
12:34Just a man.
12:36You horses stay outside.
12:40All right.
12:41Let's go in.
12:42And listen, Costello.
12:43When we go through this door, have your gun ready.
12:46If anybody moves, shoot.
12:48If anybody shoots, I'll move.
12:50Oh, sorry.
12:51When I die, you'll see the future.
12:54Oh, speaking of my glory and my fame.
12:58Hey, Abbott, listen to that.
12:59What a pair of parts.
13:01Wish I was a plumber.
13:02And tell them my size.
13:03Costello.
13:04Don't you recognize her?
13:06Tell them my quits.
13:07She's the toast of deadpan gulch.
13:10Really?
13:11Tell them my side of the same.
13:13Oh, Marlena Dietrich.
13:21Oh, look at that lovely face.
13:27That face has made a fortune.
13:29Yeah.
13:29It runs into a nice figure.
13:32Hello, boys.
13:34Hello, boys.
13:36I'll figure men where you come from.
13:39Welcome to the Red Dog Cafe.
13:41Did you like my song?
13:42What do you think of my range?
13:44Your range is lovely.
13:46In fact, I like your whole kitchen.
13:49You flatter me.
13:50You're probably tired after your long trip.
13:53How about a drink?
13:54Okay.
13:55I'll have a Crosby cocktail.
13:56What's that?
13:57One drink and then, bing.
14:00With your personality, I would suggest straight corn.
14:06What a fresh kid.
14:09Just a minute, Marlena.
14:10You see, neither one of us is a drinking man.
14:12Do you have anything a little milder?
14:14I'll try a drink of this very mild wine.
14:16Now, that sounds better.
14:17I'll try it.
14:22Just a minute.
14:24What's the matter?
14:25I don't understand.
14:26That wine is made here by the Hoppy Indians.
14:29Hoppy Indians?
14:30One of the Indians are still hopping in it.
14:35Costello, that's silly.
14:36Come on.
14:36Let's go and watch the boys play roulette.
14:38Yes.
14:39Or perhaps you both would rather play a game with me.
14:42Poker, pharaoh, blackjack.
14:44I'd rather play post office.
14:46But that's a kid's game.
14:48Not the way I play it.
14:58You know, little fat man, I could go for someone like you.
15:02You could?
15:03Yes.
15:05Do you know someone?
15:06Sure.
15:07I...
15:08What a fresh kid, Abbie!
15:11Now, look.
15:12Keep quiet, Costello.
15:14No talk like that to Marlena.
15:16She may know where Black Pete is.
15:17Try to win her confidence.
15:18Turn on the charm, you know.
15:20I'll turn on the charm.
15:21Okay.
15:22Watch me.
15:23Marlena.
15:24My love.
15:25I adore you.
15:27You do?
15:29Yeah.
15:34Marlena.
15:35Will you let me be your slave?
15:37Will you let me do something for you that I have never done for any other woman?
15:41What, Dad?
15:42Will you let me press your slacks?
15:46Costello, will you stop that?
15:48You just don't know how to handle these Western girls.
15:51Oh, yes, I do, Abbott.
15:52Marlena.
15:53One time I was in love with a bull-eating cowgirl.
15:55She was too bull-eating to run at the kettle.
15:57What do you mean?
15:58Well, she had a terrible time getting her calves together.
16:02What are you talking about, Costello?
16:07You've never even been in love with a girl.
16:09Yes, I was.
16:10I can see her now.
16:12She always wore cotton stockings.
16:14Cotton stockings?
16:15What happened to her?
16:17Nothing.
16:20But of all the girls I got tattooed on my chest...
16:22On your chest?
16:23Marlena, I love you the best.
16:25The best?
16:25Better than the rest.
16:26The rest?
16:27In the West.
16:28The West?
16:28On my chest!
16:29On your chest?
16:30There's an echo in the joint.
16:33Well, there's no question about it, Costello.
16:36Marlena Dietrich just can't be bothered with a man like you.
16:39Marlena, is that true?
16:42Oh, Lou.
16:44If you only had the eyes of Clark Gable.
16:47Yes.
16:47The nose of Tyron Power.
16:50Yes, yes.
16:50The chin of Gary Cooper.
16:52Yes.
16:52The face.
16:53The face of who?
16:55That's all.
16:55If you only had a face.
16:59You know, the kids get murdered.
17:01Oh, look here, Costello.
17:02We're wasting time.
17:03Did you forget why we came to Deadpan Gulf?
17:05We've got to find Black Pete's hideout.
17:07Black Pete?
17:08He's the most dangerous character in these parts.
17:10Oh, he's a part of me.
17:12But he's very tough.
17:13He eats little men like you every morning when he gets up.
17:15That's me.
17:16The breakfast of champions.
17:19But Lou, why don't you give up this mad search?
17:22It can only lead to your death.
17:24I think you got something there, kid.
17:26Hey, Abbott.
17:26I am scared.
17:27Ain't you scared?
17:28No, I'm not scared.
17:29Then why are you biting my nails?
17:32But no matter what happens, I'm going after Black Pete, Marlena.
17:35And if I die, I want you to take this shirt of mine as a keepsake.
17:38But suppose you don't die?
17:39Then wash it and have it back by Monday.
17:42And no starch in the collar, either.
17:44Listen, Costello.
17:45Cut out the foolishness.
17:46Now we line up everybody in the room until we find our man.
17:49That's right, Abbott.
17:50Everybody line up and empty out your pockets.
17:52Why are you making them empty their pockets?
17:54I lost my yo-yo.
17:57Now wait a minute, boys.
17:58It's not necessary to look any further.
18:00I am Black Pete.
18:02You are?
18:04What a fresh kid.
18:06What a stale plot.
18:09I think you got something there.
18:11Marlena, I still don't believe all this is true.
18:13It is true.
18:14I took the money from the bank.
18:16But I did not steal it.
18:17It was my own money.
18:18It was my pin money.
18:20A hundred thousand dollars pin money?
18:23I have very expensive pins.
18:27If you don't believe me, I'll show you.
18:31I have all the money right here in my stocking.
18:33Look.
18:34Abbott, what a cute bank.
18:37What a place to make a deposit.
18:46Oh, Marlena, if I give you all my money from the bank, will you put it in your other stocking?
18:51Certainly.
18:52Costello, don't be an idiot.
18:53Your money is safer in the bank.
18:55Why do you want to put it in her stocking?
18:58Because that's where it's going to draw the most interest.
19:25And now we're worried about next week's program.
19:27You'll hear more music from Leith Stevens and the orchestra, more songs by Connie Haynes and the Camel Quintet,
19:33and a gripping, dramatic story of life in the squared circle with our guest star, John Garfield.
19:40Now, here is a short preview of next week's program.
19:43Thousands of people are assembled in Madison Square Garden.
19:45All eyes are focused on the two fighters in the center of the ring, Killer Garfield and Kewpie Costello.
19:52There is a terrific exchange of blows.
19:54The crowd is on its feet.
19:55Costello is on his face.
19:56One, two, three, three, four.
20:00Get up off your knees and quit playing with those marbles.
20:03What marbles?
20:04I'm picking up my feet!
20:16Be sure to tune in next Thursday night at the same time
20:19for another big comedy show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
20:23with John Garfield as our guest.
20:25Brought to you with the compliments of Camel cigarettes.
20:28Camel presents three great radio shows each week.
20:31Abbott and Costello on Thursday nights.
20:33On Friday night, it's the Camel Caravan with Lanny Ross, Herb Schreiner, Xavier Cugat, and Our Town.
20:39And Monday night, Blondie.
20:42Marlena Dietrich, who appeared with us tonight,
20:43has just competed in a new universal picture, Pittsburgh,
20:46with John Wayne and Randolph Scott.
20:51And here's the latest news about the Camel Caravans,
20:54those swell traveling shows that entertain our boys in the Army camps.
20:58Fifteen Army and Navy training stations will be visited this week,
21:02including Camp Gordon, Georgia, Camp Pendleton, California,
21:05and Camp Cross, South Carolina.
21:07This is Ken Niles speaking for the makers of Camel cigarettes
21:11and wishing you all a very pleasant good night.
21:19Wonderful отличpeople.
21:21Hello, announcement,
21:25California.
21:29You
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