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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:11The Avid and Costello program, brought to you by Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service.
00:19Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra.
00:22Billy Gray as Little Matilda.
00:23Mel Blanc as the famous Leon Slesinger cartoon character Bugs Bunny.
00:26Tonight's guest, Metro-Golden-Mayer star of The Best Foot Forward,
00:29Mr. Lucille Ball, and starring Bud Abbott and Bill Costello.
00:45Hey, Abbott!
00:47Oh, come here.
00:48There you are, Costello, late as usual.
00:51Why, what kept you this time?
00:52Ah, I was waiting for our new letter, Carrie Abbott.
00:54Yes?
00:55Yeah, and it turned out to be a dame.
00:56Boy, did I have trouble with her.
00:57What kind of trouble?
00:58She tried to kiss me.
00:59Yeah, she kept right on kissing me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin.
01:03Wait a minute.
01:04Why didn't she kiss you on the lips?
01:05Well, she's new at the post office, and she can't find the right zone.
01:08The right zone.
01:10There you go again, Costello.
01:12I can read your mind like a book.
01:14All I can see is women, women, and women.
01:17Where did you turn to page four?
01:19You'll find some girls.
01:20There you go.
01:22Girls, girls, girls.
01:23Every night you're out late with girls.
01:25Last night you were out with two.
01:27Yeah, but I only caught one.
01:28No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:30Boy, was she beautiful.
01:31I met her down at the Lone Palm.
01:32King Charlie's joining.
01:33Oh, wow.
01:34Was she a gorgeous aircraft worker?
01:37She was.
01:38What a fuselage.
01:39A fuselage.
01:41That little aircraft worker did something to me, brother.
01:43No kidding.
01:44I took her in my arms.
01:45I felt the pounding in my chest.
01:47You mean your heart was beating?
01:48No, she forgot to turn off her riveting machine.
01:51Now, see here, Costello.
01:52You'll have to stop this.
01:54Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all the time,
01:57or we're through.
01:59I didn't know you felt that way, Abbott.
02:01Yes.
02:01All right, I promise.
02:02I won't look at another girl if I live to be a thousand years old.
02:05Hello, my fat little sugar man.
02:09How time flies.
02:13Sheesh, honey.
02:14You look cute tonight.
02:16Do you really think so, honey?
02:17Yeah.
02:18Now I know what they mean by the solid salt.
02:22All right, Costello, look.
02:23Don't get it, eh?
02:24All right, look.
02:26If you're so anxious to go out with girls, why don't you pick out some nice girl like Connie Haynes
02:30here?
02:31Ah, Connie will go out with me.
02:32Yes, I will, Mr. Costello.
02:34I had a fight with my family tonight, and I want to disgrace them.
02:41Hey, what did I tell you, Abbott?
02:42There's no use.
02:43I'm surprised at you.
02:44Did George Washington give up at Valley Forge?
02:46He had a tough time.
02:47Never mind.
02:48Did Paul Revere give up?
02:50No, but Paul Revere had a horse she could depend on.
02:53Well, well, you've got me.
02:56I'd rather have the horse.
02:57I all...
02:58Well, Mr. Costello, I'll go out with you on one condition.
03:02If you all get me a pair of nylon stockings.
03:05A pair of nylon stockings?
03:06That's our deal.
03:07Now, now, don't be silly, Costello.
03:08You can't get nylon.
03:09Oh, can't.
03:10I can get one pair, two pairs.
03:11I can get a dozen pair of nylon.
03:16That OPA hears everything.
03:25Goodbye, my fat little sugar man.
03:27I'll see you at eight o'clock tonight with a nylon.
03:31Gee, Abbott, I guess I talk too fast.
03:33Where am I going to get a pair of nylons?
03:35I want to go out with Connie Haynes.
03:37Well, why don't you be smart?
03:39Be nice to Mrs. Niles.
03:41That's right, Costello.
03:42My wife has a pair of nylon stockings.
03:44Now, wait a minute, Niles.
03:45You mean a dame with those ugly legs spends money for stockings?
03:48Well, now, what do you expect her to wear?
03:50Hip boots.
03:51Hip boots.
03:52I heard that remark, Costello.
03:55Oh, well, if it isn't, Mrs. Niles in the flesh.
03:59And I use the word loosely.
04:02Oh, you funny, funny man.
04:05And I use the word physically.
04:08Ah, you know, there's nothing wrong with my legs.
04:10Why, I was once a ballet dancer.
04:12I used to kick my leg way up in the air.
04:14Yeah, and on the way down, you'd catch us.
04:16Now.
04:19Now, why do you fight with Mrs. Niles?
04:22Her legs are very attractive.
04:24Are you kidding?
04:25She's so bow-legged.
04:26Every time she runs, she looks like an egg-beater.
04:30Am I insulting you?
04:34My legs are perfectly straight, Costello.
04:36Look at them.
04:36They're just like arrows.
04:38Feathers and all.
04:42Feathers?
04:43Of all the nerve.
04:44I'm not an old hen.
04:45Oh, no.
04:46Get back in here, Coop.
04:48Come on, get back in here, Coop.
04:49Stop that.
04:50Stop that, I said.
04:51Quick, quick, quick.
04:52Stop that, I said.
04:53What, what, what, what, what?
04:54Kenneth, will you please say something?
04:59Kenneth Niles, you come with me.
05:02Niles?
05:03Door slammed.
05:04Never mind that.
05:04No, no, no.
05:04Excuse me.
05:06Come here, Costello.
05:07Oh, what's written here?
05:07Never mind what's written there.
05:09Excuse me.
05:10Well, you've driven Mrs. Niles out of the studio again.
05:13Oh, pilot to navigator.
05:14Pilot to navigator.
05:15Sign your name.
05:16Thanks, same.
05:18I think that's very funny, but I'm only three and a half years old.
05:24It's little Matilda.
05:32Matilda, what are you doing out of school?
05:34My teacher sent me home because I kissed a little boy.
05:37You kissed a boy?
05:39Well, it wasn't exactly a kiss.
05:41We were eating the same liquor stick and I chewed past my head.
05:47Now, look, Matilda, will you please go home?
05:49I can't.
05:50I'll get lost.
05:50Oh, no, you won't.
05:51The train stops at every station.
05:52Why does it stop at every station, Uncle Louie?
05:55Because it's a milk train.
05:56Do they have to milk it at every station?
05:59No.
06:00How do you like a little kid?
06:01Three and a half years old.
06:02What's to know if you have to milk a train?
06:03Milk a train.
06:04Milk a train.
06:04It's impossible.
06:05You can't milk a train.
06:07That's silly.
06:07How's he going to get a big train to sit on a little stool?
06:12Now, look, Matilda, please.
06:14Don't worry, Uncle Louie.
06:15He's trying to get a pair of nylon stockings.
06:17You could get a pair of nylon stockings from my friend Betty Grable.
06:22Betty Grable?
06:22How do you know she has nylons?
06:24Because that's where I saw her put her money.
06:26Oh, the Bank of America never had branches like that.
06:30Wait a minute, Matilda.
06:32Maybe you can help Uncle Louie.
06:34Do you really know Betty Grable?
06:35Yeah.
06:36Here's a two of us on a bicycle.
06:38That's me on the handlebars.
06:40Mm-hmm.
06:41But why have you got such a surprise look on your face?
06:45Cold handlebars.
06:46Go ahead.
06:47Go ahead.
07:00And now, back to Abbott and Costello and their search for nylon stockings.
07:08Well, Costello, I guess we came to the right place.
07:11Look at that sign.
07:13Square deal, Bigglebottoms, the happy.
07:15Oh, so happy store.
07:19Costello, what was that?
07:20That was Bigglebottom making a cheerful refund.
07:24Oh, boy.
07:26I wonder where the hosiery department is.
07:28Let's ask this fellow over here.
07:30Pardon me, mister.
07:31Are you the floor walker?
07:32What do you think I am with this carnation on a flower pot?
07:36After all, I'm not a jerk, you know.
07:38Well, you're not trying.
07:40Well, Costello, don't antagonize the man.
07:44He might be able to help you, you know.
07:46Oh, I think you got something there, Abbott.
07:47Mister.
07:48Please, mister.
07:49I wish you could do something for me.
07:50I gotta get a pair of nylons.
07:53We haven't any nylons, and stop licking my hands.
07:57It's no use, Abbott.
07:59All right.
08:00Forget about the nylons and the date with Connie Haynes.
08:02Just a moment, gentlemen.
08:03I can give you a tip on a real bargain.
08:06Due to a slight oversight in our tailoring department,
08:09we have 4,000 pairs of three-legged pants.
08:14Three-legged pants?
08:16That's great.
08:17I'll tell all my three-legged friends.
08:21But don't tell them all.
08:22Remember, only one pair to a customer.
08:25Come on, Abbott.
08:26Let's get out of here and away from the sky.
08:28All right.
08:28Don't get excited.
08:30Wait a minute.
08:30We'll try the sales girl here.
08:32Oh, miss.
08:33Can you tell us where we might get a pair of nylons?
08:35Sorry, I can't help you.
08:37You see, I'm in long underwear.
08:41Itchy, isn't it?
08:43Stop insulting people.
08:44Now, there's only one way to get those nylons there, Lou.
08:47Listen to me.
08:47We'll have to see Mr. Beetlebottom.
08:49First, we've got to do this.
08:51Now, come on.
08:51Here's the elevator.
08:52Up.
08:52Up.
08:53Up.
08:54Up.
08:54Up.
08:54Up.
08:54That's enough, Abbott.
08:55Up.
08:56Up.
08:56Up.
08:56Up.
08:56Up.
08:57Cut it out.
08:58Have you tried baking soda?
08:59Look, never mind that.
09:00All right, folks.
09:01Step lively.
09:02Get a move on.
09:03Tell me your room on a second layer.
09:04Are you going up?
09:05Yeah.
09:06What's up, Doc?
09:07What's cooking, Tatchel?
09:08Costello, look.
09:09It's Spook's Bunny.
09:16Hey, Bugs, what are you doing running an elevator?
09:19Well, I'm replacing a woman that's essential, Doc.
09:21Come on.
09:22Stop wasting time.
09:23Get us up there.
09:23Okay, Doc.
09:24Go on up.
09:28Go up too fast for your Tatchel?
09:30No, I always wear my pants at half-mast.
09:35Bugs, will you please let us out?
09:37Okay, Doc.
09:38Egg floor, chewing gum, chocolate bar, sweet cream, butter, T-bone steaks, and other picture
09:44postcards.
09:47Yeah, but I'm going to murder this rabbit.
09:49Oh, no.
09:50Don't pay any attention to him.
09:51Now, we've got to see Mr. Bigelbottom about those nylon stockings.
09:54There's the secretary.
09:55Pardon me, miss.
09:56Can we see Mr. Bigelbottom?
09:58Okay.
09:59Did you have an apartment?
10:01An apartment?
10:03No.
10:05Then where did you want to see him, a bird?
10:07I want to see him a bird with some nylon stickers.
10:11Oh, nylon.
10:12They're having a big sale in just a moment down that second arrow.
10:15Oh, thanks.
10:16Come on, Herbert.
10:18What kind of talk is that?
10:20Well, stop talking like that.
10:21Hurry up.
10:22We'll miss the sale.
10:23Here you are, Bigel.
10:24Here you are.
10:25Nylon stockings.
10:26Nylon stockings.
10:27Hey, you.
10:28You over there.
10:29I'll take a pair.
10:30For selling.
10:31I'm buying.
10:33I must be from Nancy's.
10:36Hey, Costello.
10:37Stop fooling around.
10:37Look up at that sign there.
10:39One pair of nylons goes on sale in less than a minute.
10:42Hey, but there's 500 women ahead of me.
10:43Oh, why do you care?
10:44Go on.
10:45Squeeze through.
10:46Oh, just a minute, young man.
10:48You can't squeeze in here.
10:49Okay, babe.
10:50Let's go outside.
10:54Hey, you.
10:55Watch how you're talking to my mother.
10:57She's a pistol-packing mama.
10:59What are you?
11:00One of the blanks?
11:02Quiet, Costello.
11:04Is everybody quiet?
11:09Everybody quiet, please.
11:10Quiet.
11:11We are about to put on sale one pair of nylons.
11:13Remember, only one pair.
11:16The first one to get to the counter will receive the nylons and free medical attention.
11:22All right.
11:23Get ready now.
11:29All right, Costello.
11:30You've got to win this race, Doc.
11:32Hey, Bob.
11:32What are you doing on my back?
11:34I'm your jockey, Doc.
11:35How can I run fast with you on my back?
11:37Don't worry.
11:37I've got to whip.
11:40Hey, Costello.
11:41Your stirrups are loose.
11:42Take your feet out of my garter belt.
11:46They're wrong, and they're running at fiddle bottoms.
11:49That was a bumpy start, and Costello broke fast.
11:52Rounding the hard ways, pulling away.
11:54At the half, it's Costello.
11:55Cut to the garter department.
11:57Hey, he's into the back stretch.
11:58It's Costello by four, by six, and now a final drive down to home.
12:03It's Costello all the way.
12:04There's nothing between him and the nylons.
12:06He can't lose.
12:07He's across the finish line.
12:09And ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner, Miss Lucille Ball.
12:22Hey, what's this gag about Lucille Ball?
12:24Come on, you.
12:25Give me those stockings.
12:26Hey, Costello.
12:27Take your hands off that girl.
12:28It is Lucille Ball.
12:30Yes, and you won't get the stockings by wrestling with me.
12:33Who wants stockings?
12:37Miss Ball, I'd like to apologize for this unseemly conduct.
12:41I'm Bud Abbott.
12:42Oh, how do you do, Mr. Abbott?
12:44You're the organ grinder, aren't you?
12:46Yes.
12:46No, no.
12:48What makes you think I'm an organ grinder?
12:50Well, I thought I recognized that monkey with you.
12:57Now, wait a minute, kid.
12:58Who's the monkey?
12:58I mean, after all, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll...
13:01Unfinished speak.
13:02Costello.
13:03Costello.
13:07Costello, come here.
13:08Come here.
13:09Shh.
13:10Quiet.
13:10Now, you've got to play up to Miss Ball if you want to get those nylons.
13:13Remember, you can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar.
13:17Who wants flies?
13:19I ain't got enough points.
13:20Wait a minute.
13:21Look, Miss Ball, it's very important for Costello to get those nylons stocking.
13:25Uh, my cue.
13:28Yes, and you don't need them, Seal.
13:30Who don't need them?
13:31Name me two good reasons.
13:32What are these two things I'm standing on?
13:34Chopped liver?
13:37Abbott, you're on.
13:38I've just done it.
13:39Look, you better, you better let me take care of this.
13:46You know, Lou, after all, we understand things.
13:48Women are putty in my hand.
13:50Yeah, but who wants a handful of putty?
13:52Ah, shut up.
13:54I'll have you know that I've got the savoir faire.
13:58You ain't even got coffee.
13:59Shut up.
14:01Hey, look, Lucille, why won't you give me those nylons?
14:04Give you the nylons?
14:05You've got a lot of nerve.
14:06You're nothing but a cheap pen handler.
14:08You're not even a man.
14:09Oh, yeah?
14:10Oh, now there's a great ad lib.
14:14Ah, look at the sheet.
14:16That's all.
14:16Read what's on there.
14:19Well, I think I'll take the nylons home.
14:21So long, slug.
14:22See you in the slot machine.
14:25Well, you fix things fine, Costello.
14:27What are you going to do now?
14:28Well, I'm going to dash right out to Lucille Ball's house.
14:31Get those stockings and dash right back.
14:33Yes, but what if she's putting them on?
14:36Pilot to navigator.
14:38Cancel that last dash.
14:52Well, Costello, here we are at Lucille Ball's house.
14:55Now, remember, you've got to make an impression on her to get those nylon sockets.
14:59Uh, comb your hair.
15:00It is combed, have it?
15:01Look, ain't it plastered down nice?
15:03Hmm, what did you use to plaster it down?
15:05Plaster.
15:07Plaster.
15:08Plaster.
15:08How come your hair's so yellow?
15:10Mustard plaster.
15:11Mom!
15:13Boy, watch me go to work on that Lucille Ball.
15:15I'll turn on the top.
15:16Eh, you'd better let me handle it, Costello.
15:18She's more of my type.
15:19I go for those trim ankles.
15:21Eh, you couldn't afford the upkeep on an ankle like that?
15:24Why not?
15:24That's a very classy joint.
15:26Oh, shut up here.
15:30I'll ring the bell.
15:32Never mind, don't ring the bell.
15:33Can't you read the sign?
15:34Maid sleeping.
15:36I'll knock.
15:40Oh, it's about time you guys got here.
15:43You'll find the ladder and saw in the basement.
15:45Ladder and saw?
15:46Yeah, aren't you fellows from the tree surgeons?
15:48I was expecting somebody here to trim my tree trunk.
15:51We're only interested in your limbs.
15:55Look, Miss Ball, I'm afraid you have us confused with somebody else.
15:59You met us in the department store, remember?
16:01I'm Abbott.
16:01And I'm Costello.
16:02You must have a poor memory for faces.
16:05Yeah, especially for poor faces.
16:08Listen, what do you guys want here?
16:09It's too late for Halloween.
16:10It's too early for Groundhog Day.
16:13Oh, wait a minute.
16:14What's that?
16:14Do I look like a groundhog?
16:16No coaching, please.
16:19Quiet, quiet, Costello.
16:21Get away from me.
16:21I'll take care of this.
16:23Miss Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly.
16:25You know how the laundry situation is,
16:27and we're here to help you with your washing.
16:29For instance, we wash stockings and...
16:32Yeah, yeah, stockings.
16:33Yeah.
16:33Oh, that sounds interesting.
16:34Is your laundry service fast?
16:36Fast.
16:37We bring it back before it's clean.
16:39You see, Miss Ball,
16:41we're especially expert in the care of nylon stockings.
16:44Yeah, nylons.
16:45Nylons.
16:45Wait a minute.
16:46Wait a minute.
16:47Are you fellows trying to talk me into something?
16:50No, we're trying to talk you out of something.
16:53Well, I'm not interested.
16:54You'll have to leave now.
16:56Hey, Evan, I think we're sunk.
16:57What am I going to do?
16:58Turn on the charm.
16:59Go ahead.
17:00Make love to her.
17:01Okay.
17:02Oh, Lucille, please don't send me away.
17:05I've always admired you.
17:06Come, sit with me on this love sheet, baby.
17:12Please, baby, and put your feet,
17:15or your face, your foot,
17:16not my hands,
17:17not something in my hands.
17:19Yeah, now turn it on, Costello.
17:21Turn it on.
17:21Go ahead.
17:22Lucille, I've lived for this moment.
17:24We were meant for each other.
17:25I was born to kneel at your feet.
17:27Get this G.I. haircut with a civilian approach.
17:31Don't spur me, Lucille.
17:33Did everybody go out?
17:35Don't spur me, Lucille.
17:36I love you.
17:38I love you, Lucille.
17:39I love you.
17:40I adore you.
17:41When I look at your face,
17:42it sets my brain on fire.
17:44I thought I smelled punk burning.
17:47Hey, Evan, what should I say?
17:48Recite poetry to her.
17:50Recite poetry?
17:50Yeah.
17:51Okay.
17:51Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
17:54If I don't get you,
17:55Tommy Manville must.
18:03Just a second.
18:04Who do you think you are, Santa Claus?
18:06No, why?
18:07Then stay away from my stocking.
18:09What are you trying to do, fat boy?
18:11Fat boy?
18:12Who's fat?
18:13Look at my shape, Lucille.
18:15Of course, I go in here,
18:17then I go out there,
18:18and I go in here a little,
18:20and then I go out there a little more
18:22than I go in here a little.
18:24And that's funny.
18:25I don't come back in again.
18:28Oh, stop being silly, Costello.
18:30Everybody knows you're fat.
18:31Sure.
18:32I was talking to your tailor at Universal.
18:34He says he measured you for two days
18:35before he even met you.
18:37Costello?
18:40Hey, Chief.
18:42Look, Lou,
18:43why don't you stop all this nonsense?
18:45The best thing to do
18:46is put your cards on the table.
18:48Come on.
18:49Okay, Abbott.
18:49It's this way, Lucille.
18:50I promised a pair of nylon stockers to a girl,
18:52and if you give me your nylons,
18:54I'll let you work in my next picture.
18:56Threatening me will get you nowhere.
19:01Oh, we could do a terrific love scene.
19:05Come here.
19:05Yeah, Lucille.
19:08I'll show you the kiss.
19:11I'm getting a hiccup.
19:14The kiss that made me famous.
19:16Ready?
19:17Ready.
19:18Contact.
19:21Wow, where did you learn to kiss like that?
19:24Siphoning gas out of cars.
19:28Well, what do you say, Lucille?
19:29How about another kiss?
19:30No, thanks.
19:31I'd rather give you the stockings.
19:33You fellas turn your backs,
19:34and I'll take them off.
19:35Come on, Costello.
19:36Turn around.
19:36Yeah, and no rubbernecking.
19:38Don't worry.
19:39I won't rubber.
19:39Ball.
19:42I thought it was funny.
19:47You're just the type that would rubber, heel.
19:50Well, I hope you're happy, Costello.
19:52You finally got those nylons.
19:54Now let's go.
19:55Come in.
19:57Come in.
19:57Hello, Lucille, darling.
19:58I just came over to...
20:00Why, my fat little sugar man,
20:02what are you all doing here two-timing on me?
20:04You all are cats, sir.
20:06I never want to see you again.
20:08What do you say to that?
20:09Well, shut my mouth.
20:13Have it?
20:14She did.
20:15It serves you right.
20:16Okay, so what are we going to do about it?
20:18I mean, after all...
20:19Look, honey,
20:20why do you treat me this way?
20:21Look, I got to get you the...
20:22I got you the nylon stockings.
20:24Well, sure enough, honey.
20:26Mess your fat little heart.
20:29Well, why did you all...
20:31Why didn't you have them wrapped as a gift?
20:33Wrapped as a gift?
20:34I thought you were going to wear them.
20:36Shucks, no.
20:36I'm giving them to Lucille Ball.
20:39Lucille Ball?
20:40Wait a minute.
20:41Then who have I got a date with tonight?
20:42Not with me, sugar.
20:44Not with me, shorty.
20:46That's all.
20:47Nobody wants me.
20:49The world's against me.
20:50Ah, don't talk like that, Lou.
20:53I'm your pal.
20:54My arms are around you.
20:56How do you feel?
20:56I still feel lonesome.
20:59Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou.
21:02Okay, Abbott.
21:03Now, how do you feel?
21:04Much better.
21:06Let's dance.
21:07Get out of here!
21:15Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.
21:35And now, here's Abbott and Costello with the final words.
21:38Thanks, Ken.
21:39Well, folks, next Thursday is Thanksgiving.
21:42And Jane Wyman will be here to help us celebrate.
21:45And be sure to tune in, everybody.
21:47We won't have a turkey, but that Jane Wyman.
21:50What a chicken!
21:52Woo!
21:53Good night, folks.
21:54Good night.
21:55Good night, everybody.
21:56It's a lone talk.
21:57Woo-hoo!
21:59Woo!
22:07This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.
22:14Nice!
22:16Nice!
22:21Nice.
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