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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00Hey! I'm a bad boy!
00:20Costello, come here. Do you realize you're almost late for our broadcast? What kept you? Where have you been?
00:25Oh, I was all over town today trying to find myself a new shirt. I had a terrible time.
00:28Well, naturally. You know there's a shortage of material.
00:31You said it. I finally had to buy one of those shirts made out of onion skins.
00:34And did that shirt embarrass me?
00:36Oh, now, come. How could an onion skin shirt embarrass you?
00:39Well, I walked into the Brown Turby restaurant and my shirt tail jumped out and waved at the hamburgers.
00:45My shirt even chased the hamburgers into the icebox.
00:48Wait a minute. Your shirt ran into the icebox? What happened?
00:50That's all. Now my tail is told.
00:52Oh!
00:58Doc, never mind that, Costello.
01:03Costello, you mean you kept me waiting here all this time while you were out buying a shirt?
01:07Oh, yeah, but I had to get one. I met a wonderful girl today, Abbott.
01:10You did?
01:11Her name is Gertrude Gigglewater.
01:13Oh.
01:14She's got a swell job, too, Abbott.
01:15What does she do?
01:16She scrubs the floors in the house on 92nd Street.
01:19You mean you've got a date with her?
01:22Yeah.
01:23You ought to see her. Beautiful.
01:24She's Betty Grable, Lana Turner, Lauren Bacall, all rolled into one.
01:29She is?
01:29Yeah, but the only trouble is, when I unroll her, she looks like Boris Karloff.
01:34What are you doing with another girl, Costello?
01:37Well, what about your girlfriend, Lena Gensler?
01:39I had a fight with her.
01:41No.
01:42Yes.
01:43Lena sent me to a drugstore last night to get some makeup, but I made a mistake and got her a bottle of leg makeup.
01:48Leg makeup?
01:49Yep.
01:49Yep.
01:50When she put it on her face, she got a run in her neck.
01:54Boy, is she mad at me.
01:56I don't blame her.
01:56You mean your love boat sprung a leak?
01:58Sprung a leak?
01:59The whole bottom fell out.
02:01Costello, I think Lena knows about this girlfriend of yours.
02:04Yeah, she left this note for you.
02:05Yeah, you'd better read it.
02:06Okay.
02:07Oh, look.
02:08Here, Lewis.
02:09Look how she spells Lewis.
02:10L-O-U-S-E.
02:16Hey, hey, hey.
02:18Isn't that louse?
02:21You're reading right.
02:23Maybe it's Louset.
02:24French, you know.
02:25How do you spell Louset?
02:27Uh, L-O-U-S-E.
02:29It still spells louse, don't it?
02:32Read Lena's letter, please.
02:33Okay.
02:34Go ahead.
02:35I'll read it.
02:35Go ahead.
02:36I hear you are running around with another girl.
02:37I am coming, coming over here, and I'm going to shoot you so full of holes, you can button your vest from any angle.
02:43Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Lena wouldn't shoot at me.
02:47She's a college girl.
02:48She told me she came from Penn State.
02:51She must have meant State Penn.
02:54You dummy, that was...
02:56That was just a car backfiring.
03:03Then help me down off this channel there.
03:06Costello, if I were you, I'd get out of town right away.
03:09Is there any place you can go where Lena can't find you?
03:11Yes.
03:12My Uncle Artie Stebbins.
03:13He has a monkey ranch.
03:14He raises apes.
03:15Your uncle raises apes?
03:16Yes.
03:17It says right on his stationery here.
03:19Stebbins Apiary.
03:20Apiary?
03:21Uh-huh.
03:22Why, you dope.
03:22An apiary is a place where they raise bees.
03:25Have you ever seen your uncle's bees?
03:27Oh, sure.
03:27He's got a whole herd of bees.
03:28No, no, no, you dummy.
03:29It isn't herd of bees.
03:30It's swarm.
03:31It's what?
03:31It's swarm.
03:32Why don't you take your coat off?
03:34Look, Costello, you've been out to your uncle's farm.
03:37Tom, haven't you ever seen his hives?
03:39Have I ever seen what?
03:40Have you ever seen your uncle's hives?
03:42No, every time I've seen him, he had his clothes on.
03:44Listen, Costello, I've been to your uncle's ranch, and I saw his hives.
03:48You saw his hives?
03:49Yes.
03:51Shame on Apiary.
03:53What's the matter?
03:53What's the matter with that?
03:54Bad boy, yeah, bad.
03:55What are you saying?
03:56Now, wait a minute.
03:56Be careful with your remarks.
03:57How dare you peep into my uncle's window and look at his hives?
04:00I didn't peek in any window.
04:01Then you looked over the transom.
04:02Listen, you dope.
04:03Your uncle was in the house, and his hives were in the backyard.
04:06He was in the house, and his hives were in the backyard.
04:08Certainly.
04:09How does he scratch him with a long-handled rake?
04:11Now, talk sense, Costello.
04:13I'm talking about your uncle's beehives.
04:15Haven't you ever tasted his orange blossom honey?
04:19No, I haven't, sweetheart.
04:21I...
04:21Costello, you don't even know where...
04:26You're cute.
04:27Never mind that.
04:28You don't even know where honey comes from.
04:30That's ridiculous.
04:30A cat...
04:31Who don't?
04:31You don't.
04:32My cat has honey.
04:33Now, that's ridiculous.
04:34A cat doesn't have any honey.
04:35Then why does mine stay out all night?
04:37Ah, my...
04:38Costello, bees make the honey.
04:41Haven't you ever seen the bees in my garden gathering nectar?
04:44Gathering what?
04:45Nectar in the flowers.
04:46You neck two in the flowers.
04:48You better be careful, Abbott.
04:49I necked a girl once in the flowers, and her boyfriend caught me and fractured me in
04:52the hollyhocks.
04:53Look, Costello...
04:54Right down to the roots.
04:56All right.
04:57Will you please pay attention?
04:58I'm trying to tell you where the honey comes from.
05:00Haven't you ever seen the bees buzzing around my poppies?
05:03Your poppies what?
05:04My poppy's in the garden.
05:05Let him stay in the garden.
05:06Who cares?
05:07No, I'm talking about flowers.
05:09Didn't you know I have an oriental poppy?
05:11No, sir.
05:11I thought he was an American.
05:13Look, Costello.
05:14When I'm talking about a poppy, I'm not talking about a man.
05:17Shame on you.
05:19Telling me your poppy ain't a man.
05:20Listen.
05:21The poppy I'm talking about is the one in the backyard, in the bed.
05:25Oh, why don't he sleep in the house?
05:26Is he afraid of your...
05:27Your mommy?
05:28Now, look, look, look.
05:28I'm talking about my wife's flowers, Ben.
05:31Haven't you ever noticed my wife's petunias?
05:34Can I have that again?
05:35I say, haven't you ever noticed my wife's petunias?
05:39Ah, Costello.
05:40What could be nicer than beautiful flowers on the table?
05:43Meat and potatoes.
05:43Hey, look.
05:44Why do I waste time with you?
05:46I'm trying to tell you that the bees gather honey from the flowers, and they take it to
05:49the hives and put it in their comb.
05:50They put the honey in their comb?
05:51That's right.
05:52Doesn't it make their hair sticky?
05:54Costello, there's only one way to handle a dummy like you.
05:56I'm going to take you out to your uncle's ranch and show you how the bees operate.
06:00You're not going to get me near any of those bees.
06:03What if one of them should back up and sting me?
06:05What do you care about a little bee sting?
06:07All you have to do is slap a little mud on it, and the sting has come out.
06:10All I do is slap a little mud on it, and the stinger comes right out?
06:12That's right.
06:13Who's going to hold the bee while I slap the mud on them?
06:16Oh, what?
06:26Well, here we are at your Uncle Otty Stebbins' ranch.
06:30Yeah, and am I happy?
06:31I got out of town before my girlfriend got a hold of me.
06:33Ha, ha, ha!
06:34Got away from her.
06:35Tell me, Costello, why is Lena so mad at you?
06:36Well, yesterday she asked me to give her cat a saucer of milk.
06:39I took the milk out of the wrong can, and it turned out to be gasoline.
06:42You fed the cat gasoline?
06:43What happened?
06:44It changed its pur-pur to a pup-pup.
06:47Oh, come on, Costello.
06:48Let's see if your uncle is home.
06:50Hey, look out for that loose board on the porch.
06:52Ow!
06:54That board flew up and hit me in the face.
06:56It's even more embarrassing on the way out.
06:58I...
06:58Go ahead, knock on the door.
07:04What do you want?
07:06I want to see my Uncle Otty Stebbins.
07:07Well, hereafter, go around to the back stew.
07:11Stew.
07:11Stew.
07:12Stew.
07:13Stew?
07:14Step.
07:17And when you get up to the back...
07:19Stay.
07:20Stay.
07:21Stay.
07:22Step.
07:23Stew.
07:25One stoop at a time.
07:27Okay, go ahead.
07:29I'm glad you fellas dropped around.
07:31Will you help me carry this ladder?
07:33I've got to get up on the roof.
07:35You've got to get up on the roof?
07:36What for?
07:39I'm going to have one on the house.
07:45Hey, what's going on out there?
07:47Why, it's my little nephew, Louie Costello, and Bud Abbott.
07:50Hello, Mr. Stebbins.
07:52Hello, Mr. Stebbins.
07:53How are you?
07:53Come right in, boys.
07:54I was just going to sit down and eat.
07:56What was that?
07:57I always have a couple of shots before dinner.
07:59I like to get off a good joke.
08:04Well, get off that one before it hatches.
08:07Mr. Stebbins, I brought Costello out here to hide him from his girlfriend.
08:11Now, I hope you can put us up.
08:12Do you have a nice room with a bath?
08:14Not out here.
08:14All we have is a room and a path.
08:20I think I'd better wash my hands before I sit down and eat.
08:25Get away from that cow.
08:27Is that a cow?
08:27I thought it was funny.
08:28All that plumbing and no sink.
08:35Costello, you dummy.
08:36Haven't you ever seen a cow before?
08:38Are you kidding?
08:39I worked once on a dude ranch.
08:40It was so classy that even the cows wore slacks.
08:43The cows wore slacks?
08:44How did you milk them?
08:45I was a pickpocket.
08:48All right, you later.
08:50Don't cackle over it.
08:52Look, boys, if you're going to stay out here at my ranch, you'd better get acquainted.
08:55Here comes my foreman, Tex Melonette.
08:57Tex, meet Luke Costello, my nephew, and his friend, Bud Abbott.
09:00All right, boys.
09:00All right, everybody works on this ranch.
09:01Come on, let's get busy.
09:03Hey, wait a minute.
09:04I didn't come out here to work.
09:05I haven't got the time.
09:06Oh, you haven't got the time, huh?
09:08Get a load of this Costello.
09:09He works in pictures.
09:10He's on the radio.
09:11He makes thousands of dollars a week.
09:13And I got to go out and buy a watch to tell him the time.
09:15Wait a minute.
09:16Look, Melonette, I didn't ask you to go out and buy me a watch.
09:18You don't have to buy me a watch.
09:20You want me to go out and steal one, huh?
09:22Go on.
09:23I didn't ask you to go out and steal one.
09:23Tell him, tell him.
09:24That's how I make my living.
09:25I'm not a foreman on the ranch.
09:26Say it.
09:26I'm a crook.
09:27I steal.
09:28Who?
09:28Look, Melonette, you never stole anything in your life.
09:31Oh, I spent 15 years in Alcatraz for nothing, huh?
09:35Go on.
09:36Why do you rather tell everybody that I shot a cashier in the bank?
09:39Oh, I shot a guy.
09:41Start a rumor.
09:41I didn't start nothing.
09:43Say, I shot a man.
09:44Go ahead.
09:44Why should I say you shot a guy?
09:45I swear, Melonette, you never shot the cashier.
09:48I missed him, huh?
09:49I mean, seriously.
09:50I can't shoot straight.
09:52How do you like that?
09:53Now, what did I say?
09:53What did you say?
09:54Yeah.
09:54Get a load of him.
09:55Doesn't even know what he's saying and he takes up my time.
09:57I should be doing my work and you keep me standing here.
10:00Look, Melonette, I don't want you to stand here.
10:01Go take a walk.
10:02Oh, wear out my boots, huh?
10:04Okay, then take a ride.
10:05Take a bus.
10:05Take a streetcar.
10:06Go on.
10:06Take a taxi.
10:07What's wrong with a train?
10:08I got nothing against trains.
10:11You wouldn't mention trains, huh?
10:13Why should I talk about trains?
10:14Now he's against the railroad.
10:15Stop the train.
10:16No more trains.
10:17Of course, to show you, my brother was out of work for 11 years.
10:20This morning, he got a little job on the railroad, a brakeman.
10:22Now, Costello wants to stop all the trains just to throw my brother out of work.
10:27Who said anything about your brother not working, Melonhead?
10:32Let your brother work.
10:33Let him work 365 days a year.
10:35Oh, he shouldn't even have one day off.
10:41Look, let him not work at all.
10:43He don't have to work at all.
10:44Now you want to make a bum out of him.
10:46Who wants to make a bum out of him?
10:47Poor man works and he can't even have one day off.
10:50Let him take a day off.
10:51Go ahead.
10:51Let him take Thanksgiving Day off.
10:53Thanksgiving Day.
10:53The only day he gets double overtime, he lays them off.
10:57Will you forget about your brother?
11:00Fine thing.
11:00The only brother I got, he wants me to forget him.
11:03My brother.
11:04The man who introduced me to Marie, my darling little wife.
11:07Oh, now you're dragging my wife into the audience.
11:10I didn't even mention your wife, Melonhead.
11:12Oh, you wouldn't mention her.
11:14My wife isn't good enough for you to talk about, huh?
11:17Go on.
11:18Tell him.
11:19Tell him.
11:19My wife is a miserable, ugly old battle-ass.
11:22Melonhead, I've seen your wife.
11:24Your wife is charming.
11:25She's lovable.
11:26Very affectionate.
11:28Oh, so you're the guy.
11:30No, I'm not.
11:32I am not the guy.
11:33Come on, take off your coat.
11:34Fight like a man.
11:35Okay, Melonhead, you got me good and mad now.
11:38You want to fight, huh?
11:39Yes.
11:40Well, I'll fight you.
11:41You meet me at the pool room at 8 o'clock.
11:43I'll trade punches with you.
11:44I'm afraid of more to show you I'm not afraid of you, Melonhead.
11:47I'll let you take the first punch.
11:48In the alley?
11:49No, on the punch board.
11:51Five cents a chance.
11:59Well, Costello, this is certainly the life.
12:01Isn't it wonderful up here at your Uncle Artie Stebbins' ranch?
12:04Oh, Abbott, what a climate.
12:05It is.
12:06Where else can you jump out of bed in the morning and fill your lungs with that fresh California fog?
12:10Well, I...
12:11I'd feel good, Lou.
12:15I'd really feel good if it wasn't for one thing.
12:17I had a terrible nightmare about a flood.
12:20All night long, I was gasping and fighting for my life against a raging tarn of water.
12:24All around me, there was nothing but water, water, water.
12:27That was no dream, Abbott.
12:28It wasn't?
12:29No, the stopper came out of your hot water bottle.
12:30Right.
12:32Hey, Costello, look out the window.
12:34There's your Uncle Artie Stebbins down there feeding the pigs.
12:36Let's get down and watch him.
12:37Not me, Abbott.
12:37Those pigs are vicious.
12:38Vicious?
12:39Yes, sir.
12:40I saw a bunch of little pigs chasing a big pig around the pen.
12:43They finally threw him on the ground and tried to chew all the buttons off his vest.
12:46Will you talk sense, Costello?
12:54Tell me something, Abbott.
12:55What?
12:56Do little pigs have little babies?
12:58Oh, of course they have little babies.
13:00That's funny.
13:00I always thought they had little pigs.
13:02All right.
13:03What's the matter with you, Costello?
13:04Why all this silly talk?
13:06Oh, I guess it's because I got away from Lena Guester.
13:08Ha ha.
13:09And she can't find me way up here at my uncle's ranch.
13:10How can you talk that way against Lena?
13:12I think she's different.
13:14She has such a cute little button nose.
13:16Yes, but why does it have to button on her lower lip?
13:22Say, Costello, who's that getting out of that car?
13:24That's my old friend, Scotty Brown.
13:26Get a load of him, Abbott.
13:26He's all dressed up in a cowboy outfit.
13:28Hiya, laddie.
13:29Hi, Scotty.
13:29I'm a coyote and a broad-brick and a long little doggie.
13:32Scotty.
13:32Ha ha ha.
13:34Scotty, old boy.
13:35What are you doing up here at the Stebbins Ranch?
13:37Well, I heard you laddies were up here and I came for a horseback ride.
13:41How do you like these nice woolly chaps I'm wearing?
13:43I made them myself.
13:44Woolly chaps looks like a suit of long underwear.
13:47Well, confidentially it is.
13:48I took a comb and roughed up the fuzz.
13:52Turn around, Scotty, and let's see the rest of your outfit.
13:54Come on.
13:54Okay.
13:55Pretty snazzy, eh, laddies?
13:57I see.
13:57Hey, wait a minute, Scotty.
13:58You've only got one spur.
13:59Did you lose the other one?
14:00No, I only bought one.
14:01If you spur one side of the horse, the other side has got to go, too.
14:05Oh, by the way, Costello, I brought a friend of yours up in my car.
14:13Here she comes now.
14:14There you are, you storage tank for the fat salvage...
14:18Costello, it's Lena.
14:19Run for the hills and the river's roof!
14:24Costello, what's this I hear about you running around with another girl named Gertrude Gigglewater?
14:29Are you the kind that has to have a lot of women in your life?
14:32No, I like a lot of life in my women.
14:35After all, Lena, I'm the kind of fellow that has to have excitement.
14:38I have to live.
14:39Why?
14:40Lena, can I help it if women are crazy about me?
14:42It must be the Van Johnson in me.
14:43How dare you compare yourself with Van Johnson?
14:46I look exactly like him.
14:47Where?
14:48Between the fingers.
14:49Oh.
14:50Costello.
14:52Costello, please.
14:53Why don't you tell Lena that you've been a bad boy and throw yourself on her mercy?
14:57Yeah, she'll throw me right back on mine.
14:59I'll say I would, you dehydrated Andy Devine.
15:03I hear you even held this girl's hand.
15:06Oh, that was kid stuff.
15:08And you also put your arms around her.
15:10That was just kid stuff.
15:11Then you kissed her.
15:13Today, I am a man.
15:17Well, I'll fix you, Costello.
15:19I'm going to take your engagement ring off my finger and throw it away.
15:23Lena, Lena, please don't throw that diamond ring on the ground.
15:26Why not?
15:26Because you'll have seven years' bad luck.
15:31Look, Costello.
15:33I'm not going to waste any more time on you.
15:36I brought my cousin, Cliff Nazaro, out here from Brooklyn.
15:39Come here, Cliff.
15:39This is the popped-up angle worm that trifled with my affection.
15:44Oh, Costello.
15:46You're the guy that's been kicking my cousin Lena around.
15:50Dragging her all the way out here from Brooklyn and then making a fool out of her.
15:55Do you realize that you've broken this little girl's little fabric, every four-percent of it?
16:00And you took a tender little cap of roto-fragilistries and put them right to the four-percent of it.
16:05And you tore it to pieces.
16:06And finally, you tripped all over the cap of the reason to put the fabric, every four-percent of it.
16:10I have done a lot of things in my life, but I never did that.
16:20Don't try to kid me, Costello.
16:22I was in the living room the night you took Lena in your arms, and you put a little fat race of solvered red up in it.
16:28And not only did your cap of roto-fragilistries, but you put your cap of roto-fragilistries and put them right to the dead.
16:37Go on, tell them, Cliffy.
16:38You took the words right out of my mouth.
16:41You ought to be glad to get rid of them.
16:44What's the matter with you, Costello?
16:46Why do you take everything this man says and twist it?
16:48Twist it? I can't even untwist it!
16:50What are you talking about, Costello?
16:53After all, I just told you I saw you take Lena, and you put your arm around her little cap of roto-fragilistries.
16:58Then you cover references.
16:59Not the men, but you put the cap of reference over there, little roto-fragilistries.
17:01And then all of a sudden you cram and rubble up the three-difficits and vibrate.
17:04And that's a plain, unvarnished truth.
17:06Unvarnished? You sound like you're shellac!
17:09There you go, insulting the man.
17:11I can't understand you, Costello.
17:12You can't understand me?
17:14Well, listen to him!
17:17Now, where do we go?
17:18Listen here.
17:19Do you realize that I got up out of a sick bed to come out here?
17:22There I was, lying there with a cap of rope for celebrate.
17:25And on top of it, I had a severe case of valid...
17:28Why didn't you try penislighting frankincense and lip-a-clop?
17:35Listen to that sneak, Clippy.
17:36Trying to confuse you with double talk.
17:40Costello, don't you know the king's English?
17:43Yes, and I'd like to be talking to him right now.
17:46Listen, Lena.
17:47This Costello is no good.
17:49I'm going to get you a lawyer and we'll sue him for capital.
17:51That's a great review, please.
17:53Hold it, Frank.
17:53I'm going to count on the board.
17:54I'm going to pass.
17:55I'll leave a little firm in my book.
17:56I'm going to go, sir.
17:57And I'll do it, too.
17:59And Costello, he means every word of it.
18:04Look, Costello.
18:05I realize that I...
18:06That I lost my head.
18:08And if you'll just apologize to Lena, I'm willing to forgive you because, as Benjamin Franklin said,
18:14he who races force with the red and red of penic penciles shall always be the fat red press with the micked penciled penciled silver.
18:20God, God, God, God.
18:21Just a squab.
18:24Gee, that's what an education will do for you.
18:26Well, Costello, what are you going to do about it?
18:28What am I going to do about it?
18:29Yes.
18:29I'm sorry.
18:30I'm very, very sorry for what I did.
18:32I've been a fool.
18:33I cared.
18:33Especially to you and Lena.
18:35And there's only one thing I can do to redeem myself.
18:37I'm going right out to the corner of Hollywood and Vine.
18:39I'm going to climb up on a soapbox in front of all my friends.
18:42In front of the whole public.
18:43I'm going to stand there and I'm going to rubble, punk, and flang.
18:47Oh, no.
18:48Not that.
18:48Anything but that.
18:49Oh, let me out of here.
18:50It's a smile.
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