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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:00The Abbott and Costello program starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, brought to you by
00:18Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco.
00:24The Abbott and Costello program with the modern rhythm of Will Osbert and his orchestra, Iris
00:28Adrian, our singing star, Connie Haynes, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub
00:35who, when caught putting a red tail light on his Uncle Artie Stebbins' pajamas because
00:39he heard he walked in his sleep, calmly said, I'm a bad boy!
00:58Oh, I'm a fireman, brave and bold.
01:03I'm always on the alert.
01:05I put out the fires with my water pistol because I'm a little squirt.
01:11Costello, do you realize that we are working in a firehouse?
01:14What's the idea of walking in here late for work?
01:16Oh, well, Abbott, I couldn't help it.
01:17You remember the fire we went to last night, and you told me to take pictures in a burning
01:20building with my can to camera?
01:21Yes, yes, what about it?
01:23Well, when the fire truck went around the corner, I fell over backwards, and I swallowed the can
01:26with the camera.
01:27Well, why should that make you late?
01:28I had to sit up all night in a dark room and see what developed.
01:34Look, Costello, there's going to be no nonsense around this firehouse.
01:40And for your information, I have just been appointed captain.
01:43Oh, you're the new captain.
01:44Yeah, but I heard about it.
01:46I brought you a present.
01:47It's a beautiful fire extinguisher, and it's guaranteed to last 200 years.
01:51A fire extinguisher that lasts 200 years?
01:54I don't expect to live that long.
01:55Where you're going, you can take it with you.
02:01Hiya, Captain.
02:01Never mind, Al.
02:03There you go.
02:04What kind of a fireman are you?
02:06Do you realize this week is Save-A-Life Week?
02:09Oh, sure.
02:09I know it's Save-A-Life Week.
02:10I did my share yesterday.
02:12Who did you save?
02:13I had a date with two girls, and I saved one for tonight.
02:16I thought so.
02:18You're in no condition to save anybody.
02:20Just look at your stomach.
02:21Oh, what's the matter with my stomach?
02:22Oh, you want a diet.
02:23Why should I diet?
02:24I like the color it is now.
02:27I'm not talking about the color.
02:29Abbott, I am very proud of my stomach.
02:31Oh, you should be.
02:32Now, every day I lay out in the backyard, and I let the sun shine on my stomach.
02:37What's the big idea?
02:38It always makes me feel good to see a nice pot roast.
02:40You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
02:47Just look at the size of you.
02:49Oh, what are you talking about?
02:50I only weigh 98 pounds.
02:5298 pounds?
02:52Mm-hmm.
02:53Why, you dummy, you're 60 inches around the waist.
02:56Yeah, but I'm hollow.
02:59Costello, I've had enough of this.
03:01If you're going to be a fireman, you're going to get busy and exercise right now.
03:05Oh, Abbott.
03:06Ma'am, come on.
03:07Yes, Abbott.
03:08No more exercise?
03:09Yes.
03:10I'm weak now.
03:11I don't care.
03:12Look at me, Abbott.
03:14I know.
03:14I'm so weak, I can't even stand up straight.
03:17Why are you leaning to one side?
03:19I parted my hair off center, and it throws me off balance.
03:23Talk sense, will you please?
03:24Did you do as I told you?
03:26Did you get out and play handball this morning?
03:28Oh, play handball?
03:29No, my hands were all blistered.
03:31Did you take your 10-mile hike?
03:32No, my feet were all blistered.
03:34Did you go horseback riding?
03:36No, I couldn't find a saddle.
03:43Look, will you quit your stalling, please?
03:45Now, you're going to do your exercises, nevertheless.
03:49Now, get in there and take your clothes off and get dressed for Jim.
03:52Get dressed for Jim?
03:53Jim who?
03:54Jim, gymnasium.
03:56Why should I get dressed for him?
03:57I don't even know the guy.
03:58No, no, you dummy.
03:59I want you to go in and in the back room and work out.
04:02You want me to go in the back room and work out?
04:04Certainly.
04:05How am I going to work out if I'm in?
04:08What are you talking about?
04:09You can either stay out and work out, or you can stay in and work out.
04:14Make up your mind.
04:15Am I in or out?
04:17It doesn't make any difference.
04:19Some people don't like to work inside because they get all in.
04:23So they go out and work out outside.
04:25Yeah.
04:26So they won't get all in from working out inside.
04:29Now, the guy has got me inside out.
04:32Oh, we forget about this exercise.
04:35I guess the only way I can build you up is with vitamins.
04:37Vitamins?
04:38Yes.
04:38For instance, B1.
04:40B1 what?
04:41Just B1.
04:43Just B1?
04:44Yes.
04:45Are you one?
04:46No.
04:46Come on.
04:48I said no.
04:55Then why should I be one?
04:57If it ain't good enough for you, it ain't good enough for me, Captain.
05:01Look, never mind that, Captain.
05:02Look, you idiot.
05:03I'm trying to tell you about something that's good for you.
05:08Be one.
05:09And I tell you, I don't want to be one.
05:11I wouldn't be one if I was the only one that could be one.
05:17Look, I don't want you to be one.
05:19No?
05:20No.
05:20When I say B1, I don't mean B1.
05:23I mean B1.
05:24Oh, when you say B1, you don't mean B1.
05:26You mean B1.
05:27That's right.
05:28Let me smell your breath.
05:28Look, Costella, do you know anything about vitamins and calories?
05:33Oh, vitamins and calories.
05:34Sure, I know the both of those guys.
05:36Four vitamin and cab calories.
05:37No.
05:39I'm talking...
05:41Look, I'm talking about vitamins that contain thiamine.
05:47That contain what?
05:48You know thiamine.
05:50Thiamine?
05:50Yes.
05:51Oh, I know thiamine well.
05:53You do?
05:53Yes, simple thiamine.
05:56Look, will you shut up?
05:57I'm trying to tell you what vitamins are.
05:59Vitamins are pills.
06:00They start with A and they go to H.
06:03That's all right with me, brother.
06:04I am.
06:06And you can still take your fire extinguisher with you.
06:08Never mind that.
06:11Will you keep still and pay attention?
06:14Didn't you ever hear...
06:15Didn't you ever hear of the vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin?
06:18Yeah, and I take too many of those.
06:19Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
06:20You can't have too much of the sunshine vitamin.
06:22All I know is I've got the only stomach that rises in the yeast and sinks in the wet.
06:27I don't know why I waste my time with you.
06:29Here I am trying to build you up.
06:30Trying to make a great fireman out of you that someday, someday people will build a statue of you and place it in the city park.
06:37They're not going to make any statue of me, Abbott.
06:39Why not?
06:40I think it would be terrible to be a statue and have the birds mistake me for a tree because if they built a nest in Lincoln's vest, just think what they'd do to me.
06:50They'd lay eggs upon my chest and that would be awful, brother.
06:54When people walked by, they'd point at me and say,
06:57There's a woodpecker's mother!
06:59Hello, Costello's Firehouse!
07:15Do you have water in your pump?
07:17Yes, I do.
07:18How do you keep your socks dry?
07:19That's a very funny joke and I think I'll pull it on Abbott.
07:28Hey, Abbott, do you have water in your pumps?
07:30No, but I've got oil in my crankcase.
07:32Now what am I going to do with these wet socks?
07:36There you go with that silly talk.
07:38I'm through with you.
07:39Get your hat and coat and go home.
07:41Go ahead.
07:41Wait a minute, Abbott.
07:42Never mind.
07:42You can't fire me.
07:44I need this job.
07:45Every week I send my pay envelope home to my dear old mother.
07:49Oh, well now, that's different.
07:51I didn't know that.
07:51Mm-hmm.
07:52Oh, I didn't know that you sent your pay envelope home to your mother every week.
07:56Well, that's fine.
07:57At the end of the year, she has 52 envelopes and I got all the money.
08:02That does it.
08:03That does it.
08:05Get out.
08:06You and I are all washed up.
08:07Go ahead.
08:07Abbott, no.
08:08Get out.
08:09Please, please.
08:09Please watch out while you're walking.
08:11Don't step on me.
08:12Oh, please.
08:12Please don't step on me, do you hear?
08:14Don't step on me or you will squash me.
08:16Who are you?
08:17Oh, just a little firebug.
08:23There's a young lady in the car outside.
08:25Let's see what she wants.
08:25Hello, boys.
08:26Oh, it's the famous actress, Bessie Maymucho.
08:31Gee, that celebrity sun suit you're wearing, Miss Mucho.
08:34Oh, do you like it?
08:34Oh, yeah.
08:35I made it out of a bondonna.
08:37A bondonna?
08:39Oh, Abbott, you know what a bondonna is.
08:42That's what a farmer wears hanging out of his pawns pocket.
08:49All the movie girls are wearing these handkerchief shorts.
08:51They're wonderful for sports and playing games.
08:54Oh, I like to play games.
08:55Last night, I played a game called Puss in the Crooner.
08:57You mean Puss in the Corner?
08:59No, Puss in the Crooner.
09:00I got up and sang like a crooner.
09:02Somebody hit me in a puss.
09:03Look, I just stopped by to ask you if this was the right road to Hollywood.
09:10Yes, this is the right road to Hollywood.
09:14I have to hurry.
09:15I'm playing on the baseball team.
09:17I'm the coacher.
09:19Coacher?
09:22Yes, I think the most important one of the team is the coacher.
09:25Don't you?
09:26No, I'd say it was either the p-chair or the shirt stoop.
09:35Well, I must be on my way.
09:37Au revoir.
09:38Tres beans.
09:40That's French, you know.
09:42Hey, look out, Costella.
09:44Here comes your girlfriend, lean against her.
09:45Ah, there you are, you two-ton butch Jenkins.
09:50I'm glad you got it out.
09:53I saw you flirting with that woman in that car.
09:55No, I wasn't, Lena.
09:56You're the only girl that ever turned my head.
09:58Yeah, I should have turned it further.
10:00I can still see her face.
10:03Please, don't talk that way, Lena.
10:05Come, Lena.
10:06Come fly away with me to my little loveness.
10:08We will fly away together.
10:10Fly?
10:11With that fuselage, you couldn't even get off the runway.
10:15I'm through with you anyway.
10:19Every blonde you see, you think is pretty.
10:22I don't think every blonde I see is pretty.
10:23No, I don't, Lena.
10:24I don't think every blonde is pretty.
10:26Now, name one.
10:27Nelcinetti.
10:31Please, Lena, I'm crazy about you.
10:33Can't you see the two of us married?
10:34Yeah, I can see the man tying the knot.
10:36The preacher?
10:37No, the warden.
10:39I hang before I marry you.
10:40Goodbye.
10:43Hey, Costello.
10:45There's a three-alarm fire.
10:46Jump on the truck.
10:47Okay, Abbott.
10:47Get everybody off the street.
10:49Hey, Abbott.
10:49Kill that man to get out of the way.
10:51Get out of the way, huh?
10:52Oh, I can't walk on the public street, huh?
10:55Oh, it's Melonhead.
10:56Get a load of this guy, Costello.
10:58Me, one of the most respected citizens in Glendale.
11:01What's the matter with Glendale?
11:03I didn't even mention Glendale.
11:05There's nothing wrong with Glendale.
11:07Go on back to Glendale.
11:08Oh, I should go back to Glendale.
11:10Get thrown in jail for vagrancy again, huh?
11:12All right, then stay out of Glendale.
11:15Oh, I should stay away from Glendale.
11:17Want my wife to forget me.
11:18Run away and marry that shoemaker from Azusa.
11:21Look, Melonhead, I don't want your wife to marry a shoemaker.
11:25She should run around in her bare feet, huh?
11:28I don't want your wife to run around in her bare feet.
11:30Fine thing.
11:30You don't want people to notice that she's got nine toes on one foot.
11:35Nine toes?
11:36Your wife has nine toes on one foot?
11:38Go on, start a rumor.
11:43Go ahead, go ahead.
11:44Make me the laughingstock of Glendale.
11:46Now, look, Melhead, you're not going to give me any more arguments this week now.
11:49Now, just forget Glendale.
11:50Forget me, forget everything.
11:51Oh, I should lose my memory, huh?
11:53Walk around in a day like a dope.
11:55People should call me an imbecile.
11:56Look, I wouldn't let people call you an imbecile.
11:58Oh, you got a patent on it, huh?
12:03I'm an imbecile.
12:04I'm an imbecile.
12:05I'm an imbecile.
12:06Go on, brag.
12:08Melonhead, I've got to go ahead to a fire, will you?
12:13Get out of the way.
12:14Go on, push me around.
12:15Beat me.
12:15Fill me.
12:16Pull out your gun.
12:16Fill me full of holes.
12:17Go on.
12:17I don't even carry a gun.
12:19Oh, sure.
12:19A gun is too noisy.
12:20Go on, pull a knife on me.
12:22Stab me.
12:22Cut me to ribbons.
12:23I'm ready to die.
12:24I don't want you to die, Melonhead.
12:25I hope you live to be 150 years old.
12:27Oh, you want me to be an old man 150 years old with a beard, huh?
12:30I should tip over my beard, fall in the street, get run over by a truck, and then you'll take me to a hospital.
12:36Look, I don't want to take you to a hospital.
12:37Oh, you want me to lay there in the gutter and bleed to death, huh?
12:41Melonhead, I want you to be healthy so you can go to work.
12:44Fine thing.
12:44An old man 150 years old wants me to go to work.
12:47All right, don't go to work.
12:49Oh, I shouldn't work.
12:50I should starve to death, huh?
12:51Will you wait a minute, please?
12:53Nobody wants you to starve to death.
12:54Eat steak.
12:55Big, juicy steak.
12:56How do you like that?
12:57I'm 150 years old, not a tooth in my head.
12:59He wants me to eat steak.
13:01Well, if it will make you happy, I'll carry you around in my arm.
13:04Now he's trying to make an invalid out of me.
13:06You got me so mad now, Melonhead.
13:09I'm going to fight you.
13:10Yeah, I'll fight you.
13:11Yeah.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Yeah, and I'll fight you.
13:13Yeah.
13:14And I'll fight you.
13:15Oh, yeah.
13:16We did that, didn't we?
13:19Now, look, Melonhead.
13:20There's only one reason why I don't poke you right in the nose.
13:23And that's because I'm bigger than you.
13:26Yeah, well, it so happens that I'm bigger than you.
13:29Well, that's a better reason.
13:40Hey.
13:41Hey, Costello.
13:42Mm-hmm.
13:42That alarm is still ringing.
13:44Answer the phone.
13:45Hurry up.
13:46Hello?
13:47Costello Firehouse.
13:47I sent in a fire alarm five minutes ago.
13:50This is Mrs. Shoo-Yoo-O-Lady.
13:52Who?
13:54Shoo-Yoo-O-Lady.
13:55Shoo-Yoo-O-Lady.
13:56Would you mind yodeling that again, and I'll join you in the chorus?
14:00Oh, you fool.
14:01Send the fire anchor over to my house right away.
14:04Why didn't you call us yesterday?
14:05We were in your neighborhood.
14:10Oh, you dummy.
14:11My house wasn't on fire yesterday.
14:13I know, but why wait until the last minute?
14:17Of all the fools, would you please get over here?
14:20I think we have a terrible fire.
14:22How high are the flames?
14:24Forty feet.
14:25Do they go crackle, crackle, crackle?
14:27Yes, yes, they do.
14:28You got a fire, all right.
14:32Oh, you idiot.
14:34I know I have a fire.
14:35Is your furnace on?
14:36Yes.
14:36Well, turn it off.
14:37There's no use wasting coal.
14:40Oh, would you please hurry over here?
14:42I've been putting water on the fire, but it doesn't do any good.
14:44Oh, what are you calling us for?
14:46That's all we can put on it.
14:48Hey, come on, Costello.
14:49We've got to get to Mrs. Olehi's house right away.
14:52Hey, wait a minute, Abbott.
14:53Wait a minute.
14:53What's the matter?
14:53Hand me my asbestos pants.
14:55Here they are, right here.
14:55Now hand me my asbestos coat.
14:56There they are.
14:57Now hand me my asbestos glove.
14:58All right, here.
14:58Come on.
14:59Now I'm completely fireproof.
15:00Right.
15:01Now hand me my copy of Esquire.
15:02I, I, I...
15:03You dummy, this is no time to improve your mind.
15:09Okay.
15:09Mrs. Olehi's house is on fire.
15:11Yep, yep, yep.
15:12Fire, fire.
15:15Hello?
15:16Hello?
15:16Who?
15:17The fire is way out here in Hollywood.
15:21Go back to bed.
15:22You'll never make it.
15:23Who, who was that?
15:24LaGuardia.
15:25LaGuardia?
15:34Come on, listen.
15:35Drop that phone and grab your helmet.
15:37Grab what?
15:37The helmet.
15:38The hat.
15:39That's what I say.
15:40Come on.
15:40Do you realize that Mrs. Olehi's house is on fire?
15:49Quick, jump on the fire truck.
15:50Let's go.
15:51Okay, Abbott.
15:51Get everybody off the street.
15:53They tell me, hey, Abbott, get that man out of the way.
15:55Get out of the way, huh?
15:56Oh, I can't walk on the public streets.
15:58Me, one of the most respected citizens in Glendale.
16:01What's the matter with Glendale?
16:03I didn't even mention Glendale.
16:05Wait a minute.
16:06Didn't we just do this routine a little while ago?
16:07Oh, that's right.
16:08Excuse me.
16:09Get out of here.
16:10Come on, let's go, will you?
16:14Come on, Costello.
16:18Costello.
16:19What?
16:19What are you stopping here for?
16:21This isn't Mrs. Olehi's house, Hal.
16:22I know.
16:23This is Lana Turner's house.
16:24But Lana Turner doesn't have any fire.
16:27Don't mind him, folks.
16:28She's getting a tinker toy for Christmas.
16:33You get that truck going.
16:36All right.
16:37We turn to this next corner.
16:38And watch out for those people in the crosswalk.
16:41Okay.
16:41I'll stick on my hand.
16:46I think I'll have to get my fingernails cut.
16:52Hey, Costello, look at the flames.
16:54We haven't got a minute to lose.
16:56Come on.
16:56Get that ladder over there.
16:58Huh?
16:58Get that ladder over there.
16:59Okay, I'll open the ladder and read it and see what it says.
17:01Not ladder.
17:02Ladder.
17:02Ladder.
17:03Oh, ladder.
17:03What did you climb up on when you were a little boy?
17:05My mother's name.
17:07Oh, no, no.
17:07A climb upon me.
17:09All right, never mind.
17:10I don't want that.
17:10Listen, I want that big, that big long wooden ladder.
17:13Help me lift it up here.
17:15Go ahead.
17:15Get a hold of the rung.
17:17The what?
17:17The ladder rung.
17:18I didn't hear it ring.
17:19I...
17:20Need to talk sense?
17:21Go ahead, Costello.
17:22Climb up that ladder.
17:23Not me, brother.
17:24Look at those flames.
17:25Now, if that was Betty Grable in there, you wouldn't let her burn up.
17:28If Betty Grable wasn't there, I'd burn up.
17:31Never mind.
17:32I'll go up first.
17:33You follow me.
17:33Okay.
17:34All right.
17:37The smoke up here is killing me.
17:39I can hardly breathe.
17:40My nose is shut up.
17:41Your nose is what?
17:42Shut up.
17:43Why should I shut up?
17:44I only asked you several questions.
17:46No, no, no.
17:46You dummy, I can hardly breathe.
17:48If I swallow any more smoke,
17:50how will I smell?
17:51I know the answer to that one, too.
17:53Cut it out.
17:54Here, I'll help you up the ladder.
17:55I'll grab you by the coat.
17:58Uh-oh.
17:58Abbott, you ripped my coat.
17:59What a picture I am.
18:00Never mind.
18:01I'll grab you by the shirt.
18:03There goes my shirt.
18:04What a picture.
18:05Well, there's only one thing left.
18:08Picture censored.
18:10All right, Costello.
18:11Swing over here towards me.
18:13I'll grab you by the bay window.
18:14You better not.
18:14I'm ticklish.
18:15Okay.
18:15There you are.
18:16There you are.
18:17Now, to find Mrs. Olahehy.
18:18Oh, help!
18:19Help!
18:20Oh, you fools.
18:21You finally got here.
18:22Do you realize that one of my rumors,
18:24Kenneth Niles,
18:24is trapped in that flaming bedroom?
18:26Hey, Abbott, did you hear that?
18:27Come on.
18:27We've got to get Niles out of there
18:28before he scorches his commercial.
18:30I agree.
18:31Quick, Costello.
18:32We've got to get Ken out of that room.
18:34Give me the axe.
18:36Oh, Costello, you idiot.
18:38You don't have to pop that door down.
18:39It's unlocked.
18:40I like to do it the hard way.
18:44Hey, here comes Niles.
18:46Take him out the door.
18:46Oh, water.
18:47Water.
18:49Water.
18:49Water.
18:50I must have water.
18:51Here, Niles.
18:51Take a big drink.
18:52Oh, I don't want to drink it.
18:54My hair's dry,
18:54and I can't do a thing with it.
18:58Oh, would you idiot,
18:59please do something.
19:00Look at that fire.
19:01It's burning my settee cover.
19:03Settee cover?
19:04Too bad you haven't got a pair of my...
19:06Never mind that.
19:09Hey.
19:11Look, the flames are getting higher.
19:13We've got to get out of here.
19:14Come on.
19:14Come on, Mrs. O'Leary.
19:15I'll carry you out to safety.
19:18Mrs. O'Leary.
19:19Quit running around the table.
19:21This is no time to play hard to get.
19:23Quick, Costello.
19:25Quick, Costello.
19:25She runs that burning room after her.
19:27Nothing doing.
19:28You go after her.
19:28Don't talk like a coward.
19:30Where's your manhood?
19:30My what?
19:31Call on your manhood.
19:32Okay.
19:32A manhood!
19:34A manhood!
19:36No answer.
19:37All right.
19:38Wait a minute.
19:39Here she comes again, Costello.
19:40Grab her.
19:41I got her.
19:41I got her.
19:42Now, get a chair for Mrs. O'Leary.
19:44Huh?
19:45She looks as...
19:45She's going to faint.
19:46Look at her.
19:46She's going to faint.
19:47Watch out.
19:48Okay, I'll get a chair for her.
19:49Let her sit down.
19:49Here, Mrs. O'Leary.
19:50Recline your carcass on this bit of drunken fight.
19:53Sit down.
19:55Costello, I'll get you for this.
19:57What's the matter?
19:57What did I do?
19:58Costello, never put your fire helmet on a chair.
20:01Apologize to Mrs. O'Leary.
20:05She should apologize to me.
20:07What for?
20:08She bent my eagle.
20:10All right.
20:10The Abbott and Costello show for Camel Cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week.
20:24Don't miss it.
20:25This is Ken Niles in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasure.
20:28Good night.
20:30This is the National Broadcasting Company.
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