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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:14The Abbott and Costello Program, brought to you by Campbell's, the cigarette that's first
00:19in the service.
00:20Campbell's stay fresh, because they're packed to go around the world.
00:27Listen to the music of Freddie Raich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Hayes.
00:31Tonight's special guest, star of the 20th Century Fox picture, Camp Eco, Miss Lynn Barry, and
00:37starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
00:48Hey, Abbott!
00:50Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
00:52What's the matter?
00:53Hey, Abbott, come on, come on, help me get dressed, please.
00:55I've got to get to the broadcast right away.
00:57Take it easy, there's lots of time.
00:58What's the excitement?
00:59Excitement?
01:00Tonight, we're having Lynn Barry as our guest star, and I'm going to make love to her.
01:04Boy, oh, boy.
01:05All right.
01:06If I'm late, she might walk out of me.
01:07So what?
01:08Let her walk out.
01:09There's plenty of fish in the sea.
01:10Yeah, but who wants to park in a dark with a shark?
01:13Oh, please.
01:15Never mind, come on.
01:17Get your clothes on and let's go.
01:18Okay, now, kid.
01:19Hey, listen, Abbott, I'm waiting for my new suit.
01:21Oh, boy, it's going to be beautiful.
01:23It is?
01:23The most gorgeous suit you ever saw.
01:24Is that right?
01:25Yeah, the coat is red with green stripes.
01:27It's got pink lapels and orange buttons.
01:29Wait a minute.
01:30A red coat with green stripes, pink lapels, and orange buttons?
01:34Yeah.
01:34I suppose you're going to wear yellow pants?
01:37What?
01:38And have people stare at me?
01:40Oh.
01:42What do you think I am?
01:43I'm a dope yellow pants.
01:45Yeah.
01:46They clash with my purple shoes.
01:47Your purple shoes?
01:49Charlie, I never heard of such a thing.
01:50Yellow pants.
01:51All right, all right.
01:52Drop the pants.
01:53I can't.
01:54Why not?
01:55My red underwear won't match my lavender vest.
01:57Yeah.
01:59Now, don't be ridiculous.
02:00I wouldn't let you meet Lynn Barry in clothes like that.
02:03You'd better wear one of my suits.
02:04Here.
02:05I'll lend you my, yeah, dress suit.
02:07That old thing, it's full of moth holes.
02:08Oh, there isn't a single moth in that suit.
02:10You said it.
02:11They're all married and got children.
02:12Now, wait a minute.
02:14Just a minute.
02:15We don't have any moths in our clothes closet.
02:18No moths, eh?
02:18Now.
02:19Just open that closet door and see.
02:21Okay, I will.
02:26No moths, eh?
02:27All right.
02:28So there's one.
02:30One?
02:30That was the mother.
02:32Here comes the children.
02:40That last one was just hatched.
02:43That's a brand new baby moth.
02:45Well, all right.
02:45Forget about the moths.
02:46Here, look.
02:47I'll lend you one of my other suits.
02:48Now, let's see.
02:49There's the, uh, what's it?
02:50A plaid, a tweed, and that dark one is a twill.
02:52A twill?
02:53Certainly.
02:53Didn't you ever have a twill?
02:55Oh, sure.
02:55I get a big twill when I ride on the wall of twill.
02:58Ah, no.
02:59Don't be silly.
03:00A waffle twillie.
03:01Here's just the suit for you.
03:02It belongs to my father.
03:04It's his dinner suit.
03:05Uh, there's a little breakfast on it, too.
03:06No, no, no, no, no, you dummy.
03:08This is his soup and fish.
03:09It looks like egg to me.
03:10Listen, Garstow.
03:12When you lived at home, didn't your family dress for dinner?
03:15Why, certainly we dressed.
03:16What do you think we did?
03:17Come to the table in our underwear?
03:18Look, what's the matter with you?
03:21Didn't you ever wear dinner clothes?
03:22Yeah, I always wear pajamas.
03:24Pajamas are not dinner clothes.
03:25They are if you eat in bed.
03:26Oh, look.
03:28That isn't what I mean.
03:29You see, as long as I can remember, the men in our family have always worn their tails
03:34to dinner.
03:35That's a very pretty picture.
03:36Yes, it is.
03:37Where I come from, a man with tails is called a gentleman.
03:40Where I come from, we call him monkeys.
03:42Oh.
03:47I mean, after all, that's what they call him.
03:51Come in.
03:53Oh, it's Ken Nile.
03:55Ken Nile.
03:55Say, Ken.
03:56Costello needs a suit in a hurry.
03:57Can he borrow yours?
03:58Oh, well, I'll have to go outside and ask a little woman.
04:01A little woman?
04:02Her neck alone is three feet long.
04:05Oh, I heard that remark, Costello.
04:08I'll have you know my neck is not long.
04:10Oh, no?
04:10Last time I saw a neck like that, a jockey was bending over it.
04:15Am I insulting you?
04:17Woo!
04:18How dare you compare me to a horse?
04:20Why, I have an aristocratic face.
04:22My grandfather was a count.
04:24You're right.
04:25Count Fleet.
04:28Kenneth, are you going to stand there and let Costello compare me to a horse?
04:31Nay, nay.
04:33That was a very snappy part.
04:35Costello, with your appearance, you're a fine one to talk about, Mrs. Niles.
04:39Certainly.
04:39Just look at yourself, fat boy.
04:41I'm not fat.
04:42Oh, no?
04:43I saw you fall down yesterday and you rocked yourself to sleep trying to get up.
04:48Oh, no.
04:50Now, look, let's stop this fighting.
04:51Look, Mrs. Niles, Costello has to borrow a suit for the broadcast tonight.
04:55Yes, dear.
04:56May I lend him mine?
04:57Kenneth Niles, before I let you do that, I'd lock you up in the attic.
05:01But, gee, dear, you just let me out.
05:07Come in.
05:08Hello, boys.
05:09Oh, it's my friend Meyer, the butcher.
05:11What's going on, Meyer?
05:12Oh, boy, am I excited.
05:14What is happening to me today shouldn't happen to two dogs.
05:18One dog couldn't handle it.
05:21Why, what's the matter?
05:22It's my wife, Sophie.
05:23After ten years, it's going to happen.
05:26Today is the day, and I've got to be by her side.
05:28So you've got to come over right away, Louis, and take care of my butcher shop, huh?
05:32Now, wait a minute, Meyer.
05:33I can't do that.
05:34We're going to broadcast.
05:35I'm going to do a love scene with Lynn Barry.
05:36But, Louis, would you rather do a love scene with Lynn Barry than mine, mine butcher shop?
05:41Can a duck swim?
05:42That's a silly answer.
05:43You ask silly questions, you get silly answers.
05:47Costello, come on.
05:47We have to get to the studio.
05:49Wait a minute, wait a minute.
05:49Think of my wife.
05:51Louis, you'll never do anything for me.
05:53Meyer, you shouldn't say that.
05:54Now, I do.
05:55Now, five years ago, I gave you the money to open up the butcher shop.
05:58And when you were sick, I paid for the operation.
06:01Then when the government was going to put you in jail, I paid your income tax.
06:05And six months ago, when your house was on fire, I ran into the burning building and saved your life.
06:11And you say I never do anything for you.
06:14Yeah, but what have you done for me lately?
06:28Well, Costello, you had to open your big mouth.
06:31Just because you want to help Meyer, we're stuck here in a butcher shop.
06:34But come on, we might as well get the orders out.
06:36Uh, you dress the chickens.
06:37Me dress the chickens?
06:38Why should I?
06:39They're all enough to dress themselves.
06:40No, I'll dress the chickens.
06:42You bring me the other fowl.
06:43What fowl?
06:44Duck.
06:44Why should I duck?
06:45I'm not ashamed to help Meyer.
06:47No, I mean duck.
06:48Duck in the icebox.
06:49Why should I duck in the icebox?
06:51You duck in the icebox, you big sissy.
06:54Now, here, take it easy.
06:55I'm glad to help my friend Meyer and his wonderful little woman.
06:59All right.
07:00I know what they're going through.
07:01Well, only last week a little stranger came to live at our house.
07:04Really?
07:05Yes, my sister married a midget.
07:06Oh, come on.
07:09Costello, you're impossible.
07:12Hello, Meyer's butcher shop.
07:14Hello?
07:14This is Meyer on the wire.
07:16Oh, Meyer.
07:17How's the wire?
07:18Anything happen yet?
07:19No, Louie.
07:19It's a very slow process.
07:21How's things by the shop?
07:22Oh, listen, Meyer.
07:23Mrs. Jones sent back the Christmas turkey you sold her.
07:25She says it only has one leg.
07:27What does she want to do?
07:28Eat it or dance with it?
07:30Oh.
07:32Well, did Meyer say when he's coming back?
07:34Do you realize that Lynn Barry's probably at the studio now waiting for us?
07:37Now, Abbott, this is more important.
07:39Let her wait.
07:40I got plenty of women waiting for me.
07:42Fifty, sixty, seventy.
07:43Fifty, sixty, seventy?
07:44Yes, and I wish I could find someone a little younger.
07:46Oh, come on.
07:49Now, Abbott, women and beautiful women always chase me.
07:53They, I don't know why, you think I...
07:55I don't know.
07:56At any minute, a gorgeous girl is apt to walk in that door.
08:00Oh, there you are, Costello.
08:02Oh.
08:03Oh.
08:03So you want to borrow my can of food, eh?
08:05So you were going to make love to Lynn Barry, eh?
08:08And now I find you in a butcher shop, eh?
08:10You're going to run out of eight coupons.
08:14Costello, for your information, Mrs. Niles is one of Meyer's best customers.
08:18Yeah, yeah.
08:19Now take her order.
08:20Huh?
08:20Yeah.
08:20I said take her order.
08:22Take her order where?
08:23Hi, Costello.
08:23Did you come in with an order?
08:24Never mind that.
08:25Take it.
08:25What do you want me to take it?
08:26Just take it.
08:27Unless somebody is lost.
08:28I, uh, I...
08:32Mr. Costello.
08:33Yes, dear?
08:33I want 20 cents worth of dog meat.
08:36Shall I wrap it up, or do you want to eat it here?
08:41No, that...
08:42Oh!
08:44Oh, that's the last straw.
08:47Now, you see?
08:48Now, look what you've done.
08:50Oh, I've never been so insulted in all my life.
08:53After all these years of trading with Meyer, I...
08:56I have to come in here and be humiliated.
08:59It sounds...
09:00Okay, okay, okay, Costello.
09:02Costello, don't stand there.
09:03Apologize.
09:04Okay.
09:05Come on.
09:06Mrs. Niles, if I said anything to offend you, I'm glad of it.
09:09Hey!
09:11Costello!
09:11I said apologize.
09:13Okay.
09:14Mrs. Niles, I'm sorry I suggested that you eat the dog meat here.
09:19Is that better?
09:20That's much better.
09:22Wait until you get home.
09:23Ah!
09:24Costello!
09:25No!
09:26That's all!
09:26Cancel my order!
09:28Well, you lost Mrs. Niles' order, Costello.
09:30You'll have to change your slip.
09:32I can't, Abbott.
09:32What do you mean you can't change your slip?
09:34I'm not wearing any...
09:35Oh!
09:37Oh!
09:38Pardon me!
09:39Where do I find Lou Cost...
09:40That ain't me.
09:41That's me?
09:42Pardon me!
09:43Where do I find Lou Costello?
09:45Here I am, over by the pickle barrel!
09:46Well, raise your hand so I'll know which one is you.
09:50Hey, Abbott, who is this fresh name?
09:52Costello!
09:52Don't you recognize her?
09:54Lynn Barry!
10:01Gee, Miss Barry, how did you ever know and how did you ever find me in this butcher shop?
10:05Where else would I look for a fat meatball?
10:09See here, Costello.
10:10I'm supposed to do a play on your program tonight.
10:12Where do you expect to put it on?
10:14In this butcher shop?
10:15And why not?
10:16Lots of plays were done about butcher shops.
10:18Did you ever hear of Hamlet?
10:19The Merchant of Venison?
10:22You ever hear of A.B.'s Irish Roast?
10:24Oh, come on!
10:26That's ridiculous!
10:27Oh, yeah?
10:28Ridiculous, huh?
10:29How about the story about a hog?
10:31Pygmalion!
10:31Oh!
10:33That's crazy!
10:34Crazy, huh?
10:35They even wrote a great picture about cows.
10:36What picture?
10:38Guadalcanal Dairy.
10:41Boy, did I milk that one!
10:49Come to think of it, how about your last picture?
10:52Hit the eyes.
10:52There was no meat in that one.
10:54I don't know.
10:54I saw two hams in it.
10:58Now, wait a minute, Lynn.
10:59Don't pay any attention to Costello.
11:00He isn't very B-R-I-G-H-T.
11:03Yes, he does appear to be rather S-T-U-P-I-D.
11:06I heard that!
11:07What do you think I am, a D-O-P-P?
11:13Listen, Mr. Abbott, what about this play?
11:15Well, Lynn, it's an original play, and Costello will be your leading man.
11:19Costello?
11:20He could never play that part.
11:22Why not?
11:22My leading man must be able to brush me into his arms, sweep me off my feet, and carry me
11:28away.
11:29You don't want a leading man.
11:30You want a street cleaner.
11:33Costello, that's no way to talk to our guest.
11:35Can't you be nice?
11:37Yes.
11:37Miss Barry, if you'll do this play with me in the butcher shop, I'll take you out after
11:40the broadcast.
11:41We'll go for a drive.
11:42But, Lou, there's no more pleasure driving.
11:44Yeah, but there's still pleasure parking.
11:49Who wants to park in a coop with a droop?
11:52Your technique is all wrong, Costello.
11:54If you want to take out a beautiful girl like Lynn Barry, the first thing to do is hire
11:58a limousine.
11:58And chauffeur.
11:59Where, Costello?
12:00Then you buy me flowers.
12:01We're all ready to do your place.
12:02What's the cocktails at the Windsor House?
12:04I'm a nerd, Romano.
12:05We've come here.
12:06Champagne.
12:06Then you take us from the land.
12:08Can you play a Western girl?
12:08That's how you make the rounds of the night.
12:10Can I play a Western girl?
12:12Then you get into a limousine again and drive down the ship.
12:15Goodbye.
12:15Where are you all comfortable?
12:16Stop, stop, stop.
12:17Oklahoma.
12:17What for?
12:18I want to stop at the finance.
12:20Come here and make a loan.
12:21Since when are you a Western character?
12:23Are you kidding, partner?
12:25What, he used to call me Six-Gun Costello.
12:27But I had to change it to two guns.
12:28Why?
12:29Of course, with six guns, every time I took a step, my pants fell down.
12:32Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.
12:35That's another character for you.
12:38Well, Six-Gun, I'll agree to play the part.
12:41Sounds barn squaw to me.
12:44What's that?
12:45I said it sounds barn squaw.
12:48Oh, barn squaw.
12:51I used to hunt boar down there every yard.
12:56Yard.
12:57All right, look, I don't believe all this, Custer.
13:00Oh, yard.
13:00Oh, no, no, no, no.
13:02You don't know anything about the West.
13:03Oh, no, I was raised on a dud ranch.
13:06You mean a dud ranch.
13:07I said dud.
13:07No women.
13:11Must have been near no gals, Arizona.
13:14Har, har.
13:16Foreign squaw.
13:17Oh, Lou, this is ridiculous.
13:20Must be a couple of southern cowboys.
13:21All right, don't mind.
13:21Go ahead, Ken.
13:22Set the scene.
13:23Go ahead.
13:24Oh.
13:24And now...
13:28Somebody better set the scene.
13:29And now, our play of the evening is Saga of the Adventurous West, The Life of Buffalo
13:33Bill, brought to you direct from Meijer's Butcher Shop and starring the Abbott and Costello
13:37Pickle Pigs Feet Players.
13:41And as an extra special attraction, Meijer has goose liver at ten cents a pound.
13:46As the scene opens, Buffalo Bill Costello and Buckskill Abbott are on the trail.
13:51Suddenly, a shot rings up.
13:56Hello?
13:57Hello?
13:58This is Meijer on the wire.
14:00Hello there, Meijer.
14:01This is Buffalo.
14:02What have I got in my store?
14:03I'm talking Buffalo.
14:05No, no, Meijer.
14:05This is Buffalo.
14:07I'm talking from Indian Heights.
14:09Please give him.
14:10I'm Butcher Shop in Boyle Heights.
14:12Now, Meijer, will you stop bothering me?
14:14I've got to go out and kill some Indians.
14:15What's the matter?
14:16We're running out of meat.
14:17Oh, never mind that.
14:19What's new with Sophie?
14:20It's still a very slow process.
14:22Look, I can't talk to you now, Meijer.
14:24Call me back.
14:25This is the craziest play I ever heard.
14:27When do I come in?
14:28In just a second, Lynn.
14:30Costello and I are still on the trail approaching the camp of your father.
14:33Read your line, Costello.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:37Buckskin, bud.
14:38It's getting dark and we're going to run into a heap of trouble.
14:40Yes, Buffalo.
14:41If we don't reach the stockade by sundown, the Indians will massacre us in the dark.
14:45They'll scalp us alive.
14:47Well, what are you going to do?
14:48We've got to get word through to Gene Autry.
14:50Gene Autry.
14:52Shh, shh.
14:53Buffalo, look.
14:54Here comes an Indian chief.
14:55He's going to speak to us.
14:57How?
14:58Oh.
14:58Pula, gala, pala, mula.
15:00How?
15:01Me la, pulla, ganda, munda, malabala.
15:04Hey, Costello.
15:05I didn't know you spoke Indian.
15:07I don't.
15:07Something went wrong with my typewriter.
15:08All right.
15:12Me.
15:16Me welcome you.
15:18Me, Chief Flatfoot.
15:19Who gave you that name?
15:21Great white father?
15:22No.
15:23Great white drab boy.
15:27Chief Flatfoot, I'll come to marry your daughter, Moon Eyes.
15:30The one over there.
15:31Moon Eyes could not come.
15:33I am her sister, Cross Eyes.
15:37Me glad to meet you.
15:39Greetings, white fish.
15:40Not fish, face.
15:43Greetings, fish face.
15:47I don't think she...
15:49I don't think she likes you, Buffalo.
15:50Now, let me handle this.
15:51Look here, Cross Eyes.
15:52I want to marry you.
15:53Now, what do you say, gal?
15:54No, marry you.
15:56Me marry the bicarbonate kid.
15:58The bicarbonate kid?
16:00Yes.
16:01Wild Bill Hiccup.
16:06I used to know him as Hopalong Acidity.
16:11Then everything is settled.
16:13White man, you go.
16:15What's that?
16:16I've been an Indian scout for now and on for 20 years.
16:18And you're the most despicable, obnoxious, incorrigible renegade that I've ever encountered.
16:23Them's hard words, Buffalo.
16:25Hard words?
16:26You're right.
16:27But I said them.
16:31Buffalo Bill, you be careful what you say to my father.
16:34He's strong in this...
16:36I smell him.
16:36Yes.
16:37No.
16:41He's strong.
16:43Me not wear shoes.
16:44Me not wear clothes.
16:46Me sleep in wind, rain and snow.
16:49No roof.
16:49Me eat raw corn, raw meat, raw fish.
16:53You do all that?
16:54Yes, and I'm sick and tired of the whole thing.
16:58Oh, boy, what a play.
17:03I'm glad you like it.
17:05Well, Indian girl, I want you to marry me.
17:07It's no use.
17:08You cannot marry me unless you get my mother's consent.
17:11I've taken care of that, Cross-Eyes.
17:13I married your mother, so now I'm your father.
17:16So listen, daughter.
17:17You have my consent to marry me as soon as I can get a divorce from your old lady, your
17:21mother.
17:23Now, wait a minute, Buffalo.
17:24The Indians are going to attack us.
17:26Me afraid, Buffalo.
17:27Don't worry, Cross-Eyes.
17:28Get behind me.
17:28If you hear a shot, get in front of me.
17:30We're out.
17:30Here they come.
17:31Run for your line.
17:40Hello, Louie.
17:41It's me, Meyer.
17:42I'm back.
17:43Oh, boy, what a play.
17:45Costello, Abbott, Miss Barry, I want to thank you sincerely for watching my butcher shop while my wife, Sophie, is
17:51having a crisis.
17:52Gee, Meyer.
17:52Well, tell me.
17:53What happened?
17:53Yee, yee, yee, such a day.
17:56Girls with white uniforms are rushing in and out.
17:59I'm walking up and down.
18:00I'm biting my nails.
18:02I couldn't eat nothing.
18:03But everything turned out wonderful.
18:06Sophie is resting up.
18:07Boy, I'm so excited.
18:09Gosh, what a lucky fellow.
18:10Congratulations, Meyer.
18:12Yeah.
18:12What was it, a boy or a girl?
18:14The most beautiful permanent wave you ever saw.
18:23And now here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.
18:26Thanks, Ken.
18:27Well, Lynn Barry, thanks for being our guest tonight.
18:30Just a minute, bud.
18:32Look, Costello, I want to know how that play ended before Meyer came in.
18:36Oh, it was a terrific finish.
18:37I'm standing on a hill all alone.
18:39Ten thousand blood-curdling Indians are coming at me.
18:41How many?
18:42One thousand screaming redskins.
18:43How many?
18:44Fifty ferocious savages.
18:45How many?
18:46So I killed the old squaw.
18:48Foreign squaw!
18:50Let me out of here!
18:52Let us all out of here!
18:54Good night, folks.
18:55Good night, neighbors.
18:56Good night to everybody in Patterson, New Jersey!
19:00Woo-hoo!
19:08Good night, Uncle Marty!
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