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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:18The Abbott and Costello program, brought to you by Camo, the cigarette of costlier, properly
00:24aged tobaccos.
00:28Listen to the rhythm of Alan Roth and his orchestra, the great song styles of Connie Haynes and
00:33Bob Matthews, and that chubby, chunky little comedian who, when asked to carry his own
00:38trunk to the Roxy Theater for his personal appearance next week, quickly cried,
01:00Well, Costello, I'm glad to see that you got here safely from California. You know, I didn't
01:05see you on the train. Where were you? Abbott, I was riding in a private car. You came from
01:08Hollywood to New York in a private car. Yeah, me and 200 privates. You dummy, didn't you
01:15have any place to sleep on the train? Oh, sorry, I had a bedroom on the end of the smoker.
01:19Costello, there's no bedroom on the smoker. That's the washroom. I wondered why I had six
01:24sinks. Costello, you're stupid. It's the one you got here at all. Look, did anybody meet
01:32you at the station? Oh, yeah, my favorite cousin was there to meet me, Cospidor Costello. Cospidor?
01:36Yeah. Why did they ever name him Cospidor? Because she's a spitting image of a spotter.
01:42Come on, will you, ladies? All right.
01:48Never mind your cousin, Costello. Did you see anybody important at the station? Oh, yeah,
01:52I saw Mayor LaGuardia standing in line at the ticket window with two policemen. LaGuardia
01:56was standing in line at the ticket window and with two policemen? Were they, where were they
02:00going? The policemen weren't going anywhere. They just come along to lift LaGuardia up
02:04to the ticket window. Costello. He's cute, LaGuardia. Yes, yes, indeed he is. Costello,
02:13I understand Mayor LaGuardia is a very good friend of yours. Oh, yeah, we're pals. I call
02:17him the little flower and he calls me the big stickweed. Big stickweed. Costello, you're
02:22so intimate with Mayor LaGuardia. Tell me, why does he wear that big hat? He has to wear
02:27that big hat, Abbott. Why? Under it, he's got his own fire engine. Oh. Costello, I don't
02:32believe you even know Mayor LaGuardia. Uh, come in. Ah, good evening, gentlemen. I have
02:38a personal message from the mayor for Mr. Lou Costello. Oh, did you hear that, Abbott?
02:42Yes, sir. I am Lou Costello. The mayor has asked me to tell you that he is very, very,
02:47very happy that you are here in New York. Give my thanks to the mayor of New York. The mayor
02:52of New York. I represent the mayor of Los Angeles. Go get your check, brother. You're
02:59through. Costello, you're getting dumber every day. I'd give $25 to find out what school you
03:06went to. I can't take it, Abbott. Why not? The school will get me $50 to keep my mouth
03:10shut. Look, look, Costello, I understand that you're staying at the St. Moritz Hotel. I hope
03:16you're behaving yourself. Oh, I am. I only had one party since I got in yesterday. Some of
03:20my old gang from Patterson visited me last night. They did? Yeah, 75 of us sat around
03:24my room lapping up Cessarol and singing songs. And at 4 o'clock in the morning, the house
03:27he could have had the nerve to knock on my door. Did he tell you you were making too
03:31much noise? No, all he said was, Costello, we'll be glad when you leave and the American
03:35Legion convention stops. You idiot. Well, while you were here, why don't you visit the top
03:41of the Empire State Building? It overlooks all of New York. Now, for a dollar, you can see
03:46five boroughs. For a dollar, I can see what? Five boroughs. Why should I pay a dollar
03:50and look at a bunch of jackasses? Not at all. I can go to your house and look at a
03:54pen
03:54up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm here. I'm talking about the five boroughs of New
03:58York. And the whole city is built on those five boroughs. The whole city is built on top
04:02of five boroughs? Certainly. Shame on the people of New York. Shame on the people of New
04:08York. What do you mean? For what? Putting all those big buildings on top of them five little
04:11donkey. No, no, no. Don't put the roxy on top of them. No, no, no, no, no. Forget about
04:16the boroughs. Tell me. Have you been to the automat? I beg your pardon? Have you been to
04:20the automat? Yes, I was there. That's a very dangerous restaurant. What's dangerous about
04:24the automat? I was eating a piece of pie and that little door came down and hit me on the
04:28head. You idiot, you're supposed to take... Come on, will you, lady? Don't you understand?
04:39You're supposed to take the pie out of that little door and eat it at the
04:41table. Now, he tells me. You know what the automat is famous for? They're coffee. I
04:48know that. I put a nickel in the slot and out came a cup of coffee. Then I put
04:51another nickel in the slot and out came another cup of coffee. I put another nickel
04:53in and out came another cup of coffee. Another nickel, another cup of coffee, another
04:56nickel, another cup of coffee. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I can't put
04:59nickels in. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Costello. Why didn't you stop putting in
05:03nickels? Why should I quit when I'm on a winning streak? Get him on.
05:21Oh, Costello, isn't it wonderful to be back into New York here? You know, I spent my childhood
05:26here. Oh, it seems like only yesterday that I was just a little boy. Yes, it seems like
05:31the day before yesterday that Washington crossed the Delaware. I am. Costello, I'm very proud
05:36of the fact that I come from Brooklyn. Tell me something. Why is it so many people come
05:39from Brooklyn and nobody ever goes there? Shame on you, Costello, to think that you would
05:48make an unkind remark about Brooklyn. What's gotten into you? I don't know, Abbott. I got
05:53just no good. I'm nothing but a bounty. I know it. I'm worse than a bounty. I know it.
05:57I'm a pop fly to the third baseman. I'll say you are. I should have said nothing about Brooklyn.
06:02After all, they're one of our allies. Hey, look, never mind that. Brooklyn has one of
06:07the most popular resorts in the world, Coney Island. I went to Coney Island yesterday.
06:10You did? Yeah. How did you get there? I followed a couple of sailors. You followed a couple
06:15of sailors? Yeah, the sailors and their girlfriends went down on the Tunnel of Love at 42nd Street
06:19and Broadway. I... You dummy, that's a subway. That's not the Tunnel of Love. How long have
06:25you been in time? Yeah, look. Costello, why don't you grow up? Nothing hits you, hey,
06:31lady? All right. Well, while you're in New York, Lou, have some fun and go to a nightclub.
06:37Oh, I went to one last night, Abbott, and I'm going back again to Copacabana. It's wonderful.
06:41It's wonderful. Yes? Hey, Abbott, they got a beautiful girl there. Copacabana? Yeah, she
06:45wears real short dresses. They come right up to the table where you're sitting. She does?
06:51Yeah, and brother, she sells the best popcorn you ever take. Ah, Costello, that's not a nightclub.
06:57Look, why don't you go to one of those Latin nightclubs like the El Chizo? Oh, I went to
07:01the El Chizo, and when they handed me the El Checo, I was El Broco. So they hit me in
07:07the El Chino, and I landed out in the El Strito. Come in. I have a telegram for Lou Costello.
07:15Thank you, boy. Don't go away. I'm going to give you a nice tip. Have you got change for five?
07:18No, I haven't. All right, then. Keep the whole nickel.
07:22A nickel. Oh, thank goodness. Now my wife can have another baby.
07:30Well, go ahead. Costello, read the telegram. All right. Oh, boy. What do you mean?
07:43Mm, mm, mm. Oh, my goodness. Oh. All right, don't get excited. Well, take it easy. Wow. Wait a minute.
07:49What does the telegram say? I don't know. I'm looking at that girl in the first row.
07:53I like it. Give me that. I'll read it. Give me it. Give it to me. Give me that telegram.
07:58You got it. Go ahead. Hey, my. It's from the city of Patterson, New Jersey.
08:03It's from the citizen of Patterson. City of Patterson, New Jersey? I knew my hometown
08:07wouldn't forget me. Wait a minute. It says, dear Lou, the city of Patterson will be proud
08:12to honor you by holding a Lou Costello day conjunction with the Garbage Disposal Week.
08:20Now, ain't that swill? A swell?
08:23I'll bet they'll want to make a speech at the opening of the new dumps.
08:26But, Costello, you never made a speech in your life.
08:29You're right, Abbott. If I could only find somebody to learn me.
08:31Hey, wait a minute. I'm glad you said that, Costello, because we have with us tonight
08:34the world's greatest authority on public speaking.
08:37Ah, good evening, gentlemen. I am Professor Melonhead. Better known in oratorical circles
08:43as Windy Melonhead. Windy Melonhead. From the looks of your head, a cyclone must have struck it.
08:49Get a load of that shiny dome. I see more hair on a ball bearing.
08:53Now, Costello, are you insinuating that my head is completely stripped of hair?
08:57Stripped of hair? Melonhead, you've got more skin showing than Gypsy Rose Lee.
09:03And it's shinier.
09:04All right, all right. I like my head this way, Costello. It gives the air a chance to get into
09:08my skull.
09:09Melonhead, I'd like to stick a pin in your skull and let the air out.
09:11No, no, Costello, don't talk like that. The professor can't help it if he's bald and ugly.
09:16Well, he could stay home. He don't have to go roaming around, does he?
09:21Costello, are you casting reflections on my head?
09:24Reflections? Melonhead, with that shining dome, you should be in a Coast Guard.
09:27With my head? What could I do in the Coast Guard?
09:30You could release a lighthouse for active duty.
09:33Well, Professor Melonhead, Costello is going to speak in Patterson.
09:36Do you think that you can make a public speaker out of him?
09:38Abbott, I could make two public speakers out of him and have enough left over for a talking dog.
09:45Now, Costello, the important thing in public speaking is the proper tone.
09:48There's the head tone, which is the up tone.
09:50Yes, sir.
09:51And there's the stomach tone, which is the down tone.
09:53Yes, sir.
09:53And then there's the chest tone, which is the cross tone.
09:55See?
09:55Up tone, down tone, cross tone.
09:57Up tone, down tone, cross tone.
10:00That's about it.
10:00Up tone.
10:01What's the matter?
10:02You ticklish?
10:03Only down tone.
10:05How about this?
10:06Which, uh, which tone do you prefer?
10:08I don't know.
10:09I'll take a transfer.
10:11Professor?
10:12Yes?
10:12Do you think Costello's ready to make a speech?
10:14He will be when I finish with him.
10:15Costello, when you walk out of the roster to speak, remember to put on a big front.
10:20Put on a big front?
10:20How can I do that?
10:21In your case, walk out backwards.
10:24Now I'll show you, Costello, how to improve your speaking.
10:28First, I'll break down your timidity.
10:31I will hammer on your enunciation.
10:33I'll put fiery resonance into your declamatory proclivities.
10:37I'll inject precision into your participles.
10:41I'll clarify your consonants, correct your vowels, and then I will cut out your split infinitive.
10:53You wouldn't dare.
10:56You haven't got the nerve.
10:58Get him out of here.
10:59Why, Melon Hill.
11:19Right, my boy.
11:20Well, Costello, in a few minutes we'll be leaving for Patterson.
11:23Yeah, good old New Jersey, the biggest state in the Union.
11:26Ah, no, Costello, you're wrong there.
11:28Texas is the biggest state in the Union.
11:30Why do you know that the state of Texas is bigger than Germany?
11:33Abbott, right now anything is bigger than Germany.
11:35I...
11:37Come in.
11:38Oh, there you are, dear, dear, dear, Mr. Costello.
11:43They told me I wouldn't have any trouble recognizing you.
11:45Everyone said you look just like Buster.
11:48I look like Buster?
11:49What Buster?
11:49A blockbuster.
11:58Oh, yes, indeedy, yes, indeedy.
12:00Oh, yes, indeedy.
12:01You know, I think I got enemies, but who sent this dame here?
12:04Is there anybody else in that dress besides you?
12:07Now, wait a minute, just a minute.
12:08Now, just take it easy, Costello.
12:11Madam, what is it you wish?
12:13Well, I have been sent here by the committee in charge of Patterson's Lou Costello Day
12:17in conjunction with Garbage Disposal Week.
12:20I have come to prepare Mr. Costello for his part in the pageant.
12:24I am the coach.
12:25You're the what?
12:26I'm the coach.
12:27Coach?
12:27You look more like a late freak with a loose caboose.
12:31Costello, you imbecile, this lady is a dermatologist.
12:34That's the kind of a coach you see in a railroad station.
12:37Well, she ought to be in a railroad station.
12:39All right, never mind that.
12:40Tell me, you two-ton termite.
12:42Now you shut up!
12:44Why should I be in a railroad station?
12:47Because the bags under your eyes hang down so far that your nose looks like a red cap.
12:53Now, now, now, now, shut up, Costello.
12:55Madam, what does Costello do in this Garbage Disposal pageant?
13:00Well, he represents the spirit of sanitation.
13:02Spirit?
13:03Sounds like a nice, clean pot.
13:05Well, because I have the leading role, I am the princess of water supply.
13:10She looks more like a rusty drain pipe.
13:14I am sure.
13:15In fact, I am positive that Costello will cooperate.
13:17Just tell him what he has to do.
13:19Very well.
13:20Costello, as third sanitation, you are a knight in shining armor,
13:24preparing to launch Patterson's new self-dumping germ-proof garbage scowl.
13:29Yes, you are seated on the poop deck.
13:33I'm pleased to go to you and say, hello, good night.
13:38Hello, good night?
13:40What kind of talk is that?
13:42No, no, no, dummy.
13:44When I say good night, I don't mean the kind of night like night in the sanitation good night.
13:48I mean the kind of night that has been nighted,
13:50and that night is as different from night as night is from day.
13:54Oh, when you say good night, you don't mean the kind of night like night in the sanitation good night.
13:57You mean the kind of night that has been nighted,
13:59and that night is different from night, and night is from day.
14:01Now you've got it.
14:02Now I've got it.
14:03I don't even know what I'm talking about.
14:07Yeah, and I continued
14:08I didn't even see it here
14:09Excuse me
14:10Hey Abbott, is this name your sister?
14:12Oh, certainly not, Costello
14:13Continue, madam
14:14Very well, where were we?
14:16I don't know, someplace on the page
14:17Well, you had me sitting on a poop deck
14:19On a garbage scowl
14:20Oh, yes, yes
14:21Now, the spirit of sanitation
14:22You take this big squirt gun
14:24And you read this speech to the juror
14:26Here, read it
14:27Okay
14:28Listen unto me, you microbes big and small
14:31I'm the spirit of sanitation
14:33And I hate you all
14:34I'll bump off all you germs and bugs
14:37And keep Patterson clean
14:38Even if I have to squirt out
14:40Every drop of my chlorine
14:47Oh, that's fine
14:48We'll expect you and Patterson within the hour
14:50Good night, good night
14:52Oh, get that kid out of here, will you?
15:03Oh
15:04Hey Abbott
15:05Look at all the mob that turned out to welcome me back to Patterson
15:08Isn't it wonderful?
15:09Look
15:09There's my old school teacher, Miss Blackboard
15:12Uh, do you think she'll remember you?
15:15She should
15:15Many's the time I slapped her erasers
15:18I...
15:18Oh, Miss Blackboard
15:20Well, what do you want?
15:21Don't you remember me?
15:22Little Lou Costello?
15:24I used to stand up in the back of the room and raise my hand
15:26Well, you can go now
15:32Now she tells me
15:35Your friends sure remember you, Costello
15:37Oh, yeah
15:38Why?
15:39There's Mr. Hackett over there
15:40I'll bet he remembers me
15:41I used to mow his lawn every Saturday
15:43And his grandmother
15:44Used to sit on the backyard and watch me
15:46Oh, Mr. Hackett
15:47Aha, there you are, Costello
15:49Why didn't you mow my lawn last Saturday?
15:51I haven't mowed your lawn in 15 years
15:54Oh, no wonder we can't find Grandma
15:57Say, Costello
15:59Who was that tough-looking kid sitting on that picket fence?
16:02He's waving to you
16:03Oh, that's stinky, dinky Shields
16:06He was the toughest kid in our gang
16:08Yeah
16:08That's our old hangout over there
16:09Those guys used to sit on that picket fence for hours
16:12Oh, now, come
16:13How could your gang sit on those sharp pickets?
16:16Ain't you never heard of the dead-end kids?
16:18Oh, yes
16:20Hey, look, Abbott
16:21What?
16:22There's poor old Mr. Peter Cimino
16:24He's the saddest guy in Patterson
16:26What is he so sad about?
16:2720 years ago, his wife suddenly left the house
16:29Dressed in a nightgown and carrying a coffee pot
16:31And he hasn't seen her since
16:33She left the house suddenly in her nightgown
16:35And carrying a coffee pot?
16:36She must have been wacky
16:38She was not
16:38She was cooking breakfast and a stove blew up
16:42Ah, there you are, Costello
16:44The crowd is waiting for you to appear at the launching platform
16:47And christen the new garbage scowl
16:48Now, do you know how to perform that ceremony?
16:51Sure, Mellonhead
16:51I was to Gestevana last year at the opening of the new dump
16:54Gestevana at the opening of the new dumps?
16:55What did you do?
16:56I threw out the first pail
16:57I...
16:58Look, talk sense, Costello
16:59Let's...
17:00Let's get up on the launching platform
17:02Professor Mellonhead will introduce you
17:13Ladies and gentlemen
17:15Shut up
17:18Yes, sir
17:19Citizens of Patterson
17:21I have the honor to present the man who will launch our new garbage scowl
17:25A local boy who has achieved great success
17:29He left this city a dismal illiterate
17:32From an illiterate
17:33He worked his way up to a moron
17:35From a moron
17:36He became a lowly nitwit
17:39From a nitwit
17:40He forged onward
17:41To become a nincompoop
17:43Not satisfied, mind you
17:45With being a nincompoop
17:47He struggled upward
17:48Until today
17:50He stands before you
17:53America's
17:54Number
17:55One
17:56Jerk
17:58I give you Lou Costello
18:04Well, Costello
18:04How did you like that speech?
18:06Mellonhead
18:06Your speech would make I smelt
18:08I smelt?
18:08You sure did
18:09I...
18:14Come on, Costello
18:15The crowd is waiting for you to launch the scowl
18:17Here
18:18Take this bottle of champagne
18:20Oh, hand it to me slow
18:22There you are
18:22We've got a stretch
18:23Take it easy now
18:24Thank you
18:25Good
18:25Where's the glasses?
18:26No, no, no
18:27Oh, you dummy
18:27You don't drink it
18:28You break the bottle
18:30Oh
18:30That's when you launch the scowl
18:32Here the professor will tell you when
18:33Now look, you watch me, Costello
18:35Now when I nod my head
18:36You stand close to the garbage scowl
18:39And you hit it with the bottle
18:47Could I have that again, please?
18:49Yes, of course
18:50I'll be very nice and careful
18:51Will you give it to me slow?
18:52I want to understand everything
18:54All right
18:54Are you ready?
18:55You got the champagne
18:56Very heavy
18:57The big quart of champagne
18:57I've got the quart champagne bottle in my hand
18:59All right
19:00You hold it in your right hand
19:00Now when I nod my head
19:02You hit it with the bottle
19:07Did you hear what I heard?
19:11That's right
19:11Okay, melonhead
19:12But remember
19:13You asked for this
19:15All right
19:15Now I'm going to nod my head
19:16And hit
19:16And hit
19:56Costello
19:58Costello
20:00Costello
20:01Hello
20:02Where are you?
20:03You've launched
20:04Professor melonhead
20:06He's out there in the water
20:07Save him
20:08He's coming up
20:09I can't have it
20:10He came up the wrong way
20:12Get him out of here
20:13Get him out of here
20:21Get him out
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