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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:13The Kevin and Costello program.
00:17Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra.
00:20The swingy singing of Connie Haynes.
00:23And that generous grubby little gobbler.
00:25Hey, I'm Frank!
00:42Hey, Costello, I've got a big surprise for you.
00:44Who do you think is coming over here tonight?
00:46Is it Lana Turner?
00:47Nope.
00:47Well, it's got it?
00:48Nope.
00:48Betty Graber?
00:49Nope.
00:49Then I don't care.
00:50Oh, Costello, I'm surprised with you.
00:54All you think of is women.
00:56Don't you realize that here in Hollywood, pretty girls are a dime a dozen?
01:00A dime a dozen.
01:01Certainly.
01:02And I've been spending my money on jelly beans.
01:04Oh.
01:06And then sometimes I would buy Sirocco.
01:10Sirocco?
01:11That's licorice spelled backwards.
01:12Oh.
01:13Well, Stan Costello, look.
01:15I've invited the greatest press agent in town to come here and handle your public relations.
01:19Not so fast, Abbott.
01:20What do you mean?
01:20I'll handle my own relations.
01:22I couldn't turn poor old Aunt Minnie over to a stranger, you know.
01:26Before I do that, I'd rather send her back to the kennel.
01:28No, no, no, no.
01:29I'm not talking about your relatives.
01:30I'm talking about public relations.
01:32Now, you're famous for your funny stories, and this man will publicize your anecdotes.
01:37He wouldn't dare.
01:39He hasn't got the nerve.
01:40What do you mean?
01:40I don't mind being amateurized.
01:43Well.
01:43But when you're going to start with my anecdotes, that's enough.
01:46Now, wait a minute.
01:47No, it's going to try to make me famous.
01:49That's not right.
01:50No, that'll make you famous.
01:51I still have my pride, you know.
01:54All right.
01:54Listen, Costello.
01:55My amortization's gone, but I have pride.
01:57Listen, Costello.
01:58This man has great contacts with all the picture studios.
02:04He knows Cary Grant from RKO lot, Spencer Tracy from the MGM lot,
02:08Humphrey Bogart from the Warner lot.
02:11Does he know Cuckard Louie?
02:12Where is he from?
02:13The parking lot.
02:18Can't be Frank Sinatra.
02:19He can't knock that hard.
02:20Oh, listen to me.
02:22He was here last week.
02:24Now, that may be the publicity man.
02:25Come in.
02:27I beg your pardon.
02:28Which one of you is Mr. Costello?
02:30I'm Mr. Costello.
02:31Well, I'm so glad I got here in time.
02:34I'm Mrs. Clutch, Mr. Costello.
02:36And my daughter's very sick.
02:38She's got the measles.
02:39Oh, that's too bad.
02:41Yes.
02:41And she listens to your program every week,
02:44and I come here to ask you a great favor.
02:47What's that?
02:48Please don't go on tonight.
02:49We want her to get well.
02:56How do you like that?
02:57She gets $40 for that one measly joke.
03:11Maybe that's Frank Sinatra.
03:12Although it's awful loud for a knock.
03:14That was last week.
03:15I've got to get him in.
03:16All right.
03:17Come in.
03:19Good evening, Mr. Rabbit.
03:20Is this your partner, Mr. Costello?
03:21Yeah, that's him.
03:23I don't blame you.
03:24He certainly is.
03:24Now, wait a minute, Rabbit.
03:25Who is this guy?
03:26And that's the publicity man.
03:27My name is Needle, but that's not the point.
03:29I understand you need a man to handle your business and your publicity.
03:32Could you give me that again, please?
03:33I say my name is Needle, but that's not the point.
03:35I understand that you need a man to handle your business and your publicity.
03:38Well, I thought...
03:38All right.
03:38I'll take the job.
03:39I certainly talked him into that one, didn't I?
03:43All right.
03:43Now, let's discuss my salary.
03:44Why, a man of my standing must receive a weekly stipend commensurate with my ability.
03:47Shall we say $500?
03:49What?
03:49I knew you'd agree to that.
03:51I've been trying nothing.
03:54Great plans for you, Costello.
03:55I have a campaign mapped out for you that will make you...
03:57Wait a minute.
03:58Wait a minute.
03:59$500 a week.
03:59How can you afford the work so cheap?
04:01I do my own laundry.
04:03Now that you've signed the contract, we'll get busy with your publicity.
04:06Now, the first thing I'm going to do is get you a job on a farm so you can get
04:08some action pictures of you working on a farm.
04:10And what do I have to do?
04:11Very simple, Costello.
04:12The first thing you do is you roll out a bed at 4 o'clock in the morning, live 20
04:14or 30 cows, fetch a few barrels of water from the well, chop down a couple of trees of firewood,
04:17feed the chickens, take the goats, clean out the stables, and zingo!
04:19You're ready for breakfast.
04:20Could I have an extra bowl of Wheaties?
04:24Certainly, sir, my boy.
04:25Now, right after breakfast, you overhaul the tractor, plow five or six acres, ground, dig a couple of hundred-sack
04:29of potatoes, then you run over to the barn, fish a few tons of hay, then skip over to the
04:31orchid, pick 50 or 60 bushels of apples, create them a pack of shipping, then you spread the wagon load
04:34of fertilizer over the onion patch, and zingo!
04:36You're ready for lunch!
04:37I'll just have a chocolate soda.
04:38I don't want to waste any time.
04:42Chocolate soda with no straws!
04:44I'll gulp it down!
04:46I'm bad!
04:48Fine, fine.
04:49Now, right after lunch, you get out your shovel, you dig a drainage ditch around the barn, repair all the
04:53fences, gene the silos, churn the butter, fresh the wheat, spray the potatoes, prune the trees, trim the hedges, weed
04:58the cabbage, fill all the land, the bed, down the cows, curry the horses, and zingo!
05:01You're ready for supper!
05:02All I do is eat!
05:07Now, right after supper, you hitch up the buggy, you take the farmer's daughter for a romantic ride in the
05:10moonlight.
05:10Now, she's gorgeous, captivating, redhead, a little white skin, a ruby lip, you drive down the lane, you're holding a
05:14hand of yours, suddenly the horse stops.
05:15She moves up closer to you, you put your arm around her waist, lifts her ruby lips up to yours,
05:18and then, you know what to do?
05:20Zingo!
05:20I'm ready for lunch!
05:33Well, you see, Costello, this is the man you need.
05:36Hey, Abbott, where have you been?
05:38Where were you when I was working on that farm?
05:40I mean, I've never been through so many zingos in my life!
05:44Now, now, Costello, Mr. Needle is an honest man.
05:46He is?
05:47Needle, look me in the eye.
05:48Yes, sir.
05:49You wouldn't stick me, would you?
05:50Of course not, Costello.
05:52I'm here to build up your program now.
05:53Last week, you had Frank Sinatra as your guest.
05:54Who have you got on your show this week?
05:56Abbott and me.
05:57Brother, you're in trouble.
06:00But we'll let that happen again next week.
06:01We'll have a great universal picture star with the Turan Bay as your guest.
06:03Good night, gentlemen.
06:05Did you ever see such a breeze in your life?
06:09Hey, isn't that wonderful, Costello?
06:12Turan Bay is going to visit us next Thursday.
06:15Is that what he said?
06:15That's what he said.
06:17Oh, didn't you hear him?
06:19No, no, no.
06:21No, he'll be here next Thursday.
06:22Oh, he'll be here next Thursday?
06:23Yeah, Turan Bay.
06:24Guy comes from Turkey, don't he?
06:26That's right.
06:26Well, in that case, I'll have to talk Turkey to him.
06:28Gobble, gobble, gobble.
06:29No, quiet, Costello.
06:30Turan Bay is not a Turkey.
06:31He's a Turkish gentleman, and he speaks English.
06:33He's a linguist.
06:35He's familiar with many tongues.
06:37He's familiar with lots of tongues?
06:38That's right.
06:39He's a linguist.
06:39He ain't no linguist.
06:40He's a delicate person.
06:41No, no, no, no.
06:43Tongues are languages.
06:44Tongues are languages?
06:44That's right.
06:45Well, so long, Abbott.
06:46Where are you going?
06:46I'm going to get a language sandwich on rye bread with mustard.
07:05Abbott.
07:06Right.
07:06You had no business letting that guy Needle invite Turan Bay over here next week.
07:09Why?
07:10I don't know nothing about Turkish actors.
07:12Well, what do you have to know?
07:13The only Turk I know is...
07:14He's a Turkish civilian.
07:15A Turkish civilian?
07:16What's his name?
07:17Hassan Ben-Drafted.
07:22But, Costello, surely you've seen...
07:25No.
07:27Surely you've seen Turan Bay on the screen.
07:29And his lovely leading lady, the Princess Ben-Ali.
07:32Princess Ben-Ali?
07:33Yes.
07:34His leading lady?
07:35Yes.
07:35I know her brother.
07:36Fallen Ali.
07:37Oh, no.
07:39I...
07:40Hey.
07:40What was that?
07:41I am the Princess Ben-Ali.
07:44Turan Bay's leading lady.
07:46Leading lady?
07:48Get a load of that purse.
07:50He must lead her around by the nose.
07:53Quiet, Costello.
07:55Quiet.
07:56She may be a...
07:58She may be a member of his harem.
08:00With that kisser, she must be the harem-scarum.
08:02Be quiet.
08:05My master...
08:06We made a picture called Lost in a Hurry.
08:08I know, I know.
08:08Never mind that.
08:09Well, we lost.
08:10All right.
08:12My master, Sahib Turan Bay, has instructed me to prepare you gentlemen for his visit.
08:17I have written a play of the Far East, which have put you in the mood to receive the master.
08:23Come, let us enter my tent, so you may study your path.
08:27Abbott, she's been living in a tent so long, she's flap-happy.
08:31Well, nevertheless, we're going to do as she says.
08:34We can't offend Turan Bay.
08:36Come on.
08:43Ladies and gentlemen, through the courtesy of Turan Bay, we now present a soggy, sagging saga of the Sahara,
08:50starring Abbott and Costello and the Princess Ben-Ali, entitled,
08:54The Two Bredowans, or It's Time to Change the Sheets.
09:03As the scene opens, we see two foot sore and weary Arabs trudging across the desk.
09:09Abbott, I can't take...
09:11I mean, I can't.
09:12I can't take...
09:14How do you like that English?
09:15I can't take another step.
09:17The sand is terrible.
09:18What are you complaining about?
09:20I've got a hole in the side of my shoe and the sand keeps pouring in.
09:23Why don't you cut a hole in the other side and let it run out?
09:26Be quiet, Costello.
09:28Hey, look.
09:29Here comes a man staggering towards us.
09:31I can stand, stand, stand everywhere.
09:35Stand all around me.
09:36And I forgot my bucket.
09:39Hey, who are you?
09:41Oh, just an old air raid warden.
09:46We should have saved him for a blackout.
09:49Now, we should have saved him for a blackout.
09:52I hate it.
09:53Somebody's killed.
09:54All right.
09:55Quiet.
09:56No place for two blackouts.
09:58We must hurry, Costello.
09:59The lovely Princess Benelli is being held captive by the wicked sultan, Atfei Elibay.
10:06That Atfei Elibay has certainly gone to pop.
10:09Quiet.
10:09We're approaching the sultan's tent.
10:11Help!
10:12Help!
10:13Save me!
10:14Save me!
10:15Costello, that's the voice of the princess.
10:17Princesses, it's coming from this tent.
10:19Hello in there.
10:20Hello in there, Princesses.
10:21It's me, your friend, the Riff.
10:24Hello, Riff.
10:25What do you hear from the raft?
10:26Things are pretty rough with the raft.
10:28Riff, Ruff.
10:29Aye, aye.
10:30Aye, aye, aye.
10:32Quiet, Costello.
10:33Hey.
10:35It's dark in this...
10:36It's dark in this tent, Princess.
10:38I can hardly see.
10:40There she is, Abbott.
10:41Boy, she sure has gotten skinny.
10:43You're looking at the tent pole, stupid.
10:46I mean, I'm the one over here with the turban on my head.
10:50My, but that's a pretty turban.
10:52Yes, it was designed by Diana.
10:54How do you like that?
10:55The new Diana turban.
10:58Come, Princess.
10:59We will help you escape from these workers talking.
11:02Shh.
11:03Hey, wait a minute.
11:04Someone's coming.
11:05Listen.
11:06The world will always welcome lovers as time goes by.
11:11Oh, life and love comes never after.
11:14Who is that?
11:15That's Humphrey Bogart.
11:16He's still walking back from Casablanca.
11:23Please.
11:24Please.
11:25Please.
11:25Please, you must get me out of here.
11:27There's something that's going to sell me as a slave.
11:29Don't worry, Princess.
11:30We'll help you escape.
11:31But it's 500 miles across the desert.
11:32Do you have a car?
11:33No.
11:34Do you have a jeep?
11:35No.
11:35Well, do you have a jeep?
11:36No, but I got a wagon.
11:38But who's going to pull the wagon?
11:39My little Pekingese dog.
11:41Why, how can a little Pekingese dog pull the three of us in a big wagon?
11:45We got whips.
11:50Somebody's coming.
11:53Hey, it's the Sultan.
11:55At Bay, Ellie Bay.
11:57So, I catch a red-handed trying to steal a beautiful princess.
12:01Aha!
12:02Aha!
12:03Aha!
12:03Aha!
12:04Oh, a double feature.
12:06Hey, Abbott.
12:07When I give the ignal say, I'll stay the ice slave.
12:11You get it?
12:11Put out the lights.
12:12Yeah, yeah.
12:12All right.
12:13Come on, Costello.
12:14I've got the Sultan's horses.
12:15Let's go.
12:16Okay.
12:17Hey, Abbott.
12:18Don't look now, but my horse's head is missing.
12:21Yeah, dummy.
12:21Turn around in your saddle.
12:25Horses!
12:26Stop!
12:27I got those things trained.
12:29Aha!
12:30No, we did it, Costello.
12:32We escaped from the Sultan and saved the beautiful princess.
12:36Now, this is the last scene.
12:38You gently lift the princess from her horse.
12:41You caress her slowly.
12:43Lift her veil.
12:44Then, what do you do?
12:46Zingo!
12:47I'm ready for lunch.
13:12And now here are Bud Abbott
13:13and Lou Costello
13:14with the final work.
13:15Thanks, Ken.
13:17Well, Costello,
13:18you did a grand job
13:20of acting tonight
13:21and your two little daughters,
13:23Patty and Carol,
13:24and our listeners
13:25are going to be
13:25mighty proud of you, Lou.
13:27Thank you, Abbott.
13:28And remember,
13:29I was working
13:30under a handicap.
13:31A handicap?
13:32Yes, I have no talent.
13:36Hello?
13:37Hello, Mr. Costello.
13:39This is Mrs. Clutch.
13:40Hey, Abbott,
13:40Clutch just slipped in again.
13:42You remember me,
13:44the lady whose daughter
13:45has the measles?
13:46Oh, yeah.
13:46Well, we just listened
13:47to your show.
13:49Is your daughter
13:49any better?
13:50No.
13:50Now I've got the measles.
13:52Good night, folks.
13:53Good night, everybody.
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