- 4 hours ago
- #oldtimeradio
The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
#OldTimeRadio
#OldTimeRadio
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:12The Abedin Costello Program
00:16Listen to the rhythm of Will Osborne and his orchestra
00:18The great song styles of Connie Haynes and Bob Matthews
00:22And that happy, heavy, hippie little horseman
00:25Who, when asked to pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby
00:27Glanced at his racing form and calmly said
00:48There you are, Costello
00:49I've been looking all over for you, all week
00:51I telephoned your house Tuesday night
00:52And somebody answered and said you were taking a bath
00:55You know I'm lost already?
00:56Right at the beginning
00:59Somebody
01:00Look, never mind, this is no
01:03This is no kidding
01:05Somebody deliberately told me that you were taking a bath
01:08Somebody said that I was taking a bath
01:10I called up Tuesday night
01:11Tuesday night?
01:11Yes
01:12Brother, did you have the wrong number?
01:14Well, look, my wife said she saw you in a tattoo parlor on Main Street this morning
01:18What were you doing in a tattoo parlor?
01:19Well, I got lost it for my girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil
01:21Yes
01:21You know, the one that's in the army?
01:23Yeah
01:23So I had a picture tattooed on my back
01:24You had Tessie's picture tattooed on your back?
01:26Oh, yeah
01:27Sure
01:27And I had me tattooed on my chest
01:29Look, see it?
01:30Wait a minute, Costello
01:31I don't see you on your chest
01:33Am I back there with Tessie again?
01:37Talk sense, Costello
01:38I understand that Tessie is going to get out of the army next week
01:42Oh, that's right, Abbott
01:42And she's going back to her old job posing for a designer
01:44He uses Tessie's knees for models
01:46He uses Tessie's knees for models?
01:48What does he design?
01:50Doorknobs
01:52Doorknobs
01:52Wait a minute, Costello
01:56Costello, just a minute
01:57Turn around, let me see that picture of Tessie on your back
01:59Go ahead, turn around
02:01Aha, I thought so
02:03She's knock-kneed
02:04Tessie is not knock-kneed
02:05Well, her knees are touching
02:06She just stands that way
02:08Of course, she hasn't got any garters
02:09I, uh
02:11Love, Costello
02:14Costello, if you're so crazy about Tessie
02:15Why don't you marry her?
02:17Well, I, I, I don't believe in marriage, Abbott
02:19Marriage is like soup
02:20Marriage is like soup?
02:21Sure, by the time you get through spooning
02:23It cools off
02:25Ah, that's ridiculous
02:30Well, always, Abbott
02:31You know, I, I don't know if Tessie wants to marry me or not
02:34You see, she's also in love with nine other guys
02:36Tessie is in love with you and nine other guys?
02:38Yeah
02:39You should have been there the day Tessie left for the army
02:41What do you mean?
02:42It was beautiful
02:43The ten of us chipped in and bought her an engagement ring
02:47Wait a minute, I understand you had a little spat with Tessie before she left
02:51Well, what was it about?
02:52She got mad at me because I stole a kiss
02:53Oh, now that's silly
02:54Why should Tessie get mad because you stole a kiss?
02:56I stole it from her sister
02:57I
03:00And you know something?
03:01That's the first girl I kissed since I left, well, since last Christmas
03:03Oh, Costello, you mean that from last Christmas till now you kissed just one girl?
03:07How do you come for that?
03:09Oh, I guess I'm just a wolf
03:11I can't control myself
03:13I can see that
03:14I'm a cat
03:15I'm lower than a cat
03:16I'm an old Studebaker
03:19With no fog lights
03:20All right
03:21Just cut that out, Costello
03:22The trouble with you is that you wear your heart on your sleeve
03:25That's a lie
03:26I might, I might have a little liver and onions on my vest
03:28And a smudge of tapioca on my trousers
03:30But I ain't got no heart on my sleeve
03:32No, no, Costello
03:33I only meant that you are fickle
03:35I'm what?
03:35You're fickle
03:36Fickle
03:37I never touch the stuff
03:39I've never been fickled in my life
03:41Now look
03:42I'm not referring to drinking
03:43I'm referring to love
03:44Do you know what love is?
03:45Oh, sure
03:46Little pigeons make love
03:47Butterflies make love
03:48Yes
03:48Oysters make love
03:50Yes
03:50Wait a minute
03:51Oysters make love?
03:52You'd be surprised what goes on inside them shelves
03:54Now
04:02Costello, you don't appreciate romance
04:04You know, you don't
04:05Really, Lou
04:06You don't, you don't appreciate romance at all
04:08Oh, when I was calling my wife
04:10There was a big grandfather's clock in the living room
04:12And we used to sit and listen to it tick
04:14And it said
04:15Take your time
04:16Take your time
04:18Take your time
04:19Yeah, but things are different now, Abbott
04:20Today, when a fellow sits in Apollo with his girl
04:22There's an alarm clock on the mantel that says
04:24Get together, get together, get together, get together
04:26Get together, get together
04:28Ah, I'll never forget that old grandfather's clock
04:35It's a great memory, though, Lou
04:37That old grandfather's clock
04:38The day we were married is stopped
04:40Stop?
04:41Yep
04:42Your wife must have looked at it
04:43I guess
04:43Ah, yeah, wait a minute
04:44Are you insinuating that my wife's face would stop a clock?
04:47Well, it ain't running, is it?
04:49Look, forget about the clock, Costello
04:51What happened to your romance with that tall, red-headed girl?
04:53Oh, you mean lean against her?
04:54Yes
04:54Oh, well
04:57We're married and happy
04:58Married and happy?
04:59Yeah, she's married and I'm happy
05:02I'm glad she married somebody else
05:03The only reason you wanted to marry her was for her money
05:06Well, marrying for money is better than getting married for no reason at all
05:09Ah, Pastor
05:10When I married my wife, everyone said it was a perfect match
05:14Match is right
05:15She struck you and you went out like a light
05:17Well, at least I'm not hand-pegged
05:19Hand-pegged?
05:19Before you were married, you used to snore in your sleep
05:21Now you're cackled
05:22Now, that's not true
05:24Before I was married, everything was lovely
05:25I'd sneak into the parlor
05:27And I'd catch her in my arms
05:29Now you're sneaking into the bedroom and catch her in your pocket
05:32Oh, forget about my marriage, Costello
05:33I'd like to get you straightened out
05:35Now, Tessie Tinfoil is not the girl for you
05:37Tessie is too, uh, blasé
05:39To what?
05:40Blasé
05:41Tessie's too blasé
05:42Blasé
05:42She's got more than two blasés
05:44Tessie's got a red blasé and a green blasé
05:46And she's got a yellow blasé
05:48She wears him with her checkered shirté
05:51Skirté
05:52Under the coaté of her suité
05:54No, no, no, no
05:55There's too many things
05:56Oh, no, no, no, no, no
05:58When I say she's blasé
05:59I mean, Tessie's sophisticated
06:02Sophisticated
06:02That's right
06:03How do you like that?
06:03And she promised to me that she'd stay on the wagon
06:05Listen, you never say
06:06Please
06:07When I say a girl's blasé
06:09I'm not referring to her clothes
06:10Anyone who is blasé is sophisticated
06:12And sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated
06:14It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication
06:17where he or she becomes blasé.
06:20Oh, when you say a girl's blasé, you're not referring to her clothes.
06:22No.
06:22And anyone who is blasé is sophisticated.
06:24And sophisticated has nothing to do with being inebriated.
06:26It merely means that a person has reached the degree of sophistication
06:28where he or she becomes blasé.
06:30Now you've got it.
06:31Now I...
06:31I don't even know what I'm talking about!
06:33Get him out of here!
06:43Say, Costello.
06:44Hey, wouldn't this be a dandy day to go to the beach?
06:46Oh, yes.
06:47If we had a telephone call, we could call up some girls.
06:49If we had a nickel.
06:51And if we knew any girls.
06:52There you go again, girls, girls, girls.
06:53Can't you think of anything better than girls?
06:55There's something better.
06:57Oh, look, Costello.
06:59Hey, there's Connie Haynes.
07:00Why don't you ask her if she'd like to go to the beach?
07:02Okay.
07:02Oh, Connie! Connie!
07:03Hey, Connie.
07:04How would you like to go to the beach with me, huh?
07:06Well, Mr. Costello, honey, I don't know if I should.
07:09I suppose you all want to teach me how to swim?
07:11Oh, nothing like that.
07:15Well, you all won't try to hold my hand?
07:17Oh, you know me better than that, Connie.
07:19And you won't hug me or kiss me?
07:21Oh, gee, willikers, no.
07:22I mean, after all, I...
07:25I promise I won't.
07:27Then what are we going for?
07:29Then what are we going for?
07:32We're going for something!
07:35Well, goodbye, Mr. Costello.
07:38Honey.
07:39All right, honey.
07:40Well, Costello, he...
07:41That kid murders me.
07:42Oh, wait a minute.
07:43You certainly got turned down fast by Connie.
07:46Well, maybe she's sure because I broke a date with her Saturday night.
07:48I was supposed to meet her at 7 o'clock.
07:49What happened?
07:49I waited around till 11.
07:50She didn't come, so I just screwed her up.
07:51That's all.
07:52I wish Connie would go to the beach with us because she's got the cutest bathing suit.
07:56What's it like?
07:56It's made of two pieces of string held together by a handkerchief.
08:04Well, it's too bad Connie's not going.
08:07Come on.
08:07Get your trunks, Costello, and let's go to the beach.
08:09My trunks?
08:10Yes.
08:10Why should I take my trunks?
08:11I don't want to move.
08:12I just want to go swimming.
08:13Well, you swim in trunks, don't you?
08:15I do not.
08:15I swim in the water just like anybody else.
08:18Never mind.
08:18I'll rent you a swimming suit.
08:20Would you wear a rented suit?
08:21That depends where it's rented and the size of the rent.
08:24No, no.
08:24Come on, Costello.
08:25Let's get started.
08:26I'll get some lotion to rub on you so you won't sunburn.
08:29Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Abbott.
08:30I never burn.
08:30I just take a nice, healthy, even blister.
08:35By the sea, by the sea, by the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea.
08:42Well, come on, Costello.
08:43There's nobody around, so get into your suit.
08:45Ah, isn't the beach beautiful?
08:47Just look at the birds flying over the water.
08:49Oh, I wrote a poem about them birds.
08:51I'll recite it.
08:51Go ahead.
08:52A wonderful bird is the seagull, which can fly quite as high as an eagle.
08:56They sit on the sand, and sometimes they stand.
09:00But you can't tell a he from a she-go.
09:04Hey, hey, Costello.
09:05Here comes a cop.
09:06Hey, you guys.
09:07This is a private beach.
09:08You can't swim here.
09:09It's against the law.
09:10Why don't you tell me before I got undressed?
09:11Well, there's no law against undressing.
09:15Look, let's go.
09:17Look, let's go.
09:19Let's go over beyond those ropes, Costello.
09:21That's the public beach.
09:23Look at that beautiful redhead.
09:25I'm going over there and teach her to swim.
09:27Suppose she knows how to swim.
09:28Then I'll let her teach me.
09:30Hey, Addie.
09:31Give me my pay on the shovel.
09:32Right here is the spot where I covered Ruby Pool Q up with the sand last Sunday.
09:36Well, what do you want your shovel for now?
09:38Well, I figure it's about time to dig her up.
09:39I love Costello.
09:41Hey, look at that fat lady in that rubber bathing suit.
09:43Oh, them rubber bathing suits.
09:44They're made for fat ladies.
09:46They are?
09:46They got a five-way stretch.
09:47Five-way stretch?
09:48Yeah.
09:48Up and down, back and forth, and a shelf to take care of the surplus.
09:53Hey, Costello.
09:55Look at that man over there feeding donuts to his horse.
09:57Can you imagine that?
09:58Hey, you mister.
09:59What's the idea of giving all them donuts to your horse?
10:01I just want to see how many he'll eat before he asks for a cup of coffee.
10:08Hey, what are you doing on the beach with that horse?
10:12Well, you see, I came down here to go swim.
10:15To go swim.
10:17To go swim.
10:18Swimming?
10:19No, fishing.
10:23Did you catch anything?
10:25No.
10:26You see, my wife was with me, and the fish took one look at her.
10:31When they saw how badly I was hooked, they wouldn't bite at all.
10:37All right, all right.
10:39Never mind him, Costello.
10:40Why don't you go into the water?
10:41You've always bragged to me that you were such a great life saver.
10:44Now, come on.
10:45I am a great life saver, Abbott.
10:46And I'll prove it to you.
10:47I can save anybody.
10:48Anybody at all.
10:49Anybody want to be saved?
10:50Anybody at all would like to be saved?
10:53Save me!
10:54Save me!
10:54Are you a man or a woman?
10:55Woman!
10:56How old?
10:57Fifty-seven!
10:58Anybody else want to be saved?
11:03Never mind.
11:03The lifeguard got her.
11:07Lucky for you.
11:07Now, look, Costello.
11:09When you go into the water, stay close to the life boy.
11:11Stay close to what?
11:12The boy.
11:13Stay close to the boy.
11:13That's the safest thing.
11:14Stay close to the boy?
11:16That may be the safest thing, but if you want to have some fun, you've got to stay close
11:18to the girls, Costello.
11:20Girls have nothing to do with this kind of a boy.
11:22The kind of a boy, I mean, will keep you up.
11:24Well, what do you know?
11:25What is the boy's name?
11:27The boy has no name.
11:28It's just a plain red and white boy.
11:30I mean, this boy is anchored to a sandbar, and it has a bell.
11:34What is that bell boy doing in a bar?
11:35Nothing.
11:36The boy is not in the bar.
11:38The boy is on the bar.
11:40He'd probably crawl up there to steal some pretzels.
11:42No, no, no.
11:43Let's cue him still.
11:44That boy is on the bar to keep people from going on the rocks.
11:47So he finally learned his lesson.
11:49Why didn't his mother keep him out of that bar?
11:51This boy hasn't got a mother.
11:53Hasn't got a mother?
11:54No.
11:54That did it.
11:55What do you mean?
11:56Abbott, you have gone too far.
11:57I didn't mind when you said that the girls will have nothing to do with this poor boy.
12:00And I was only mildly surprised when you told me that he was half red and half white.
12:03I said nothing when you pushed him up on top of that bar to steal pretzels when the bartender's
12:07back was turned.
12:08But when you tell me that that poor boy has no name and no mother, you have not only besmirched
12:15the sanctity of the American home, but you have passed aspersions on the good name of
12:21the campfire boys of Troop No. 35, USA, Patterson, New Jersey.
12:26Get him out of here.
12:26I'll bring it up.
12:35Costello, what are you doing with that horseshoe?
12:37I'm going to throw it over my left shoulder and make a wish.
12:39I wish that Hedy Lamarr was the head of a giraffe and I was the body.
12:42Oh, now that sounds silly.
12:44That's ridiculous.
12:45Why should you wish that Hedy Lamarr was the head of a giraffe and you were the body?
12:47I always wanted a long neck with Hedy.
12:52Costello, you've got to get girls off your mind.
12:53Why don't you walk in the park at night and admire the stars?
12:55You mean like Betty Grable, Lana Turner and Dorothy Lamarr?
12:57No, no, no, no.
12:58I'm talking about heavenly bodies.
13:00Brother, we're both talking about the same thing.
13:01Well, look, someday you're going to get in trouble chasing girls and you'd better keep
13:06away from that young divorcee that lives next door to you.
13:08You'll never get to first base with her.
13:10I did get to first base with her, Abbott.
13:12What happened?
13:12Her ex-husband was on second.
13:15And dummy girls like her are a dime a dozen.
13:16Yeah?
13:17A dime a dozen?
13:17Yeah.
13:18Well, here's a nickel.
13:19Get me sick.
13:20I think you've got women on the brain.
13:22Last night in your sleep, you kept hollering for Ingrid Bergman.
13:24Well, Ingrid Bergman happens to be my favorite actress.
13:26Since I saw her in that bathing beauty picture.
13:28You saw Ingrid Bergman in a bathing beauty picture?
13:31What was it called?
13:32For Whom the Bath Towels.
13:36Costello, please.
13:37Do you dream of women every night?
13:39Not every night.
13:39Well, that's better.
13:40Sometimes I take a nap in the afternoon.
13:43Come in.
13:45Oh, there you are, you fat, impudent little slob.
13:48That's me.
13:51Yes, you.
13:52Costello, last night I dreamt that I went out with you.
13:54You did?
13:54Yes, and I've never been so insulted in my life.
13:56Take that.
13:57Oh, oh, oh.
13:58Now, the next time I dream about you, maybe you'll act like a gentleman.
14:03How do you like that?
14:04The next time she's dreams, she's got a date with me.
14:06I ain't even going to show up.
14:09Well, Costello, I'm convinced that your dreams are the cause of all your girl troubles.
14:14And we've got to find out what they mean.
14:15Gee, I wish we could.
14:16Really, I do.
14:17I'm glad you said that, Costello, because we have with us tonight the world's greatest
14:20authority on dreams.
14:21Ah, good evening, gentlemen.
14:22I am the world's greatest dream analyst, Professor Melonhead.
14:27Known professionally as Dreamboat Melonhead.
14:31Dreamboat Melonhead.
14:32Dreamboat.
14:32Looks like somebody plucked all the feathers out of your crow's nest.
14:36You, young man.
14:37Are you trying to infer that my head is bald?
14:40Infer?
14:41If you put your head in fur, it would look like an oversized mothball.
14:45Hey, Attic, get a load of that slippery dome.
14:47I've seen ostriches sitting on better-looking things than that.
14:49Now, Costello, please.
14:51And you get results.
14:52I know, I know.
14:53Please.
14:55You shouldn't make cracks about the professor's head.
14:58If his head ever cracks, I'll make an omelet out of it.
15:01Look, gentlemen, we're wasting time.
15:03Professor Melonhead, can you tell us what causes Costello to dream about girls?
15:06Of course, Abbott.
15:07Tell me, Costello, do you dream about girls all the time?
15:10No.
15:11Only when I'm asleep.
15:13Fine.
15:13Good.
15:13Now I'll have to have a little of your case history.
15:15Do any other members of your family have peculiar dreams?
15:18Yes.
15:19My uncle, Artie Stebbins.
15:20Mm-hmm.
15:20Last night, he dreamed he was pulling the weeds out of his garden.
15:25What happened?
15:26When he woke up, his wife was as bold as an eagle.
15:32All right.
15:33Now let's get back to you, Costello.
15:35What type of girls do you dream of?
15:37Beautiful girls.
15:37Beautiful.
15:37Once I dreamed a beautiful, gorgeous blonde.
15:39And when I put my arms around her, something electric passed between us.
15:42A shock?
15:42No.
15:43She slipped her light bill into my pocket.
15:44Oh.
15:46Well, Professor...
15:48Professor Melonhead, have you found out what causes Costello's dreams?
15:51Well, Abbott, my superficial diagnosis tells me that Costello's dreams are caused by contraction
15:56of the nerves in his head, making his brain two-tenths.
15:59My brain is two-tenths?
16:01Yep.
16:01Two-tenths the size of a normal brain.
16:06Melonhead, for two-tenths, I'd suck you right in the push.
16:09All right.
16:10Now, Costello, I will attempt to remedy your condition by massaging your head.
16:13First, I will stuff cotton into your auditory canal.
16:16Then, I will pack your cranium in cracked ice, tighten your cerebrum, loosen your cerebellum,
16:23and then, I will rub horse liniment into your medulla oblongata.
16:36You wouldn't dare.
16:40You haven't got the nerve.
16:42Oh, now, Costello, a person's equilibrium is often an important factor in the cause and
16:47effect of dreams.
16:48Therefore, I will have to test your equilibrium.
16:52Melonhead, if you as much as lay one finger on my equilibrium, I will call my money!
16:58No, no, no.
16:59To test your equilibrium, Costello, I want you to climb up this step ladder here and balance
17:03yourself on the top step.
17:04Go ahead.
17:05Well, that's very silly, but I'll go.
17:06Here I go.
17:06Ah, Costello is now climbing the ladder.
17:09He's up 15 feet.
17:11He's up 30 feet.
17:12Keep climbing, Costello!
17:13Now, he's up 75 feet.
17:16Costello has now climbed up to 100 feet.
17:19Now, wait a minute, Professor.
17:21That step ladder is only nine feet tall.
17:23Oh, my goodness.
17:24What a mistake.
17:25Costello!
17:26Costello!
17:26Come down here at once!
17:49And now, cut it out!
17:54Hey, Ed, what happened?
17:56Costello, do you realize you climbed up 100 feet, and that ladder is only nine feet high?
18:03Now, he tells me!
18:05Oh, let me out of here!
18:06Let me at that Melonhead, will you?
18:08Let me at Melonhead!
18:22And now, I'm here, Bud Abbott, and here's Costello with the final work.
18:25Mr. Costello, I think I've figured out a cure for your mania for chasing girls.
18:28I've asked Tony Haynes to give you a nice big kiss.
18:31Hey, Abbott, that ought to cure me.
18:33Go ahead, Tony.
18:34Well, pop her up, Mr. Costello, and I'll pick you up.
18:46How do you feel now, Mr. Costello, honey?
18:49I feel fine, but that sailor in the first row just fainted!
18:53Good night, guys!
18:54This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.
Comments