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The Abbott And Costello Show 1940-1949 Old Time Radio. This is a collection of radio episodes from the legendary comedy team of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
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00:09Hey, Abbott!
00:10Oh, there you are, Costello, late again.
00:12You know we have to go to Palm Springs.
00:14Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:15Did you borrow Mrs. Niles' car?
00:16Yeah, but I had a terrible accident, Abbott.
00:18I upset it.
00:19I gotta turn it over right away or Mrs. Niles won't like it.
00:22Well, we can do that when we come back from Palm Springs.
00:24No, I gotta turn the car over now.
00:25Mrs. Niles is gonna be mad.
00:27I'll explain it to Mrs. Niles.
00:29Where is she?
00:29She's under the car.
00:32She's under the car?
00:33Yeah.
00:33Is she in a coma?
00:35No, she's in the evening gown.
00:36No, no.
00:37Well, then, let's get Ken Niles to help lift the car up.
00:40Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us.
00:41Well, fine.
00:42Where is he?
00:42He's under the car, too.
00:43Oh, my goodness.
00:45For goodness sakes.
00:46How did this accident happen?
00:47I bumped into another car, Abbott.
00:48And boy, was that driver mad at me.
00:50He said, for two cents, I'll punch you right in the nose.
00:53And what happened?
00:53He ran up a bill of $8.
00:55You were very silly to argue with the driver.
00:59Why didn't you call a police?
01:00I didn't have to.
01:01I hit one.
01:01You what?
01:02I hit a policeman.
01:03You hit a policeman?
01:04In uniform?
01:05No.
01:06I hit him right in the nose.
01:09Oh, this is libel to spoil our whole trip to Palm Springs.
01:12Did the cop recognize you?
01:14Yeah.
01:15Could he swear to you?
01:16Could he swear to me?
01:17Yeah.
01:18Yeah.
01:18And I swear it's right back at him.
01:21That's what I thought.
01:22I said, you David Copperfield, you tale of two cities, you Oliver Twist.
01:27Wait a minute.
01:28What did you say that for?
01:29I was giving him the Dickens.
01:30Oh.
01:37This is a fine thing.
01:38Now I have to straighten him out with a policeman.
01:40Where is he?
01:41He's under the car, too.
01:42Oh, my goodness.
01:43What are they all doing under the car?
01:45Have you looked for an apartment lately?
01:47I...
01:53Wait a minute.
01:54Here comes Mr. and Mrs. Niles.
01:56Better beat it, Costello.
01:57Oh, no, you don't.
01:59You fat-headed, flappy car-flipping fool.
02:02Oh, do you realize you let me out there under the car holding up the rumble seat?
02:07What a line.
02:08Holding up the rumble seat.
02:09I could spoil the whole network right here, but I won't.
02:14Don't stand there like an idiot.
02:16What have you got to say?
02:17Good morning, Mrs. Niles.
02:19Don't good morning me.
02:21Good night, Mrs. Niles.
02:22That day went fast, didn't it?
02:25Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of that car?
02:28Isn't that where they always keep the crank?
02:30Now, just a minute, you worm.
02:34Don't try to wiggle out of this.
02:35What about me?
02:36Look at my suit.
02:37I'm a mess.
02:37Without looking at your suit, you're a mess.
02:41But look at the spots all over my suit.
02:43All right.
02:43Throw the suit away and wear the spots.
02:46I've got a live head enough.
02:47We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages.
02:50Damages?
02:51But, Mrs. Niles...
02:51Now, that's mine.
02:52Damages.
02:59Damages.
03:00But, Mrs. Niles...
03:01Did you get hurt?
03:02Did I get hurt?
03:03Yeah.
03:03I have a big scratch on my crazy bone.
03:05Put your hat on and nobody will notice it.
03:09Oh, come, Kenneth.
03:11Come on, Abbott.
03:12Think fast.
03:12Think very fast.
03:13I've got to get out of here before I come back with a cop.
03:15Oh, you can cause more trouble.
03:17Oh, we're going down to Palm Springs to ask Veronica Lake to appear on our next picture.
03:21Gee, I hope she will.
03:22She will.
03:22Now, you wrecked the car.
03:24The car we've got to...
03:25We're going to use.
03:25What are we going to do?
03:26I have it.
03:27Well, now we'll have to rent a car.
03:28You mean because I wrecked the car, we've got to rent another car?
03:30Yes, we'll have to rent it.
03:31Okay.
03:31Where can we get one?
03:32You drive.
03:33I beg your pardon?
03:34You drive.
03:35Me drive?
03:36No, you drive.
03:38I said I drive.
03:39No.
03:39You don't drive it.
03:41I drive it.
03:42Drive what?
03:42A you drive.
03:44Why should I drive when you want to drive?
03:47No, I am going to drive.
03:49Look, Costello, I'm renting a you drive and I drive it.
03:52Then we both drive.
03:54No.
03:54We do nothing of the kind.
03:56I drive it.
03:57When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive.
03:59I mean that I drive, although it's a you drive.
04:03Uh, when you say you drive, you don't mean me drive.
04:09You mean you drive because me don't drive.
04:14Now you've got it.
04:15Now I've got it.
04:16Now you've got it.
04:17I don't even know what I'm talking about.
04:19Look.
04:20Hey, Abbott, take it easy.
04:22Don't try to get me mixed up.
04:23Oh, go ahead.
04:23Now look, you go to a place and you rent the car.
04:26Yes.
04:28You.
04:28Not me.
04:29You are driving the car.
04:32Yes.
04:32Marcus, where am I sitting?
04:34You are sitting right next to me.
04:37Is there a steering wheel in front of me?
04:40No.
04:41And you're positive that I am not driving?
04:44I'm positive.
04:45And you are driving the car?
04:47Yes.
04:48All right.
04:48What kind of a car are you driving?
04:50You drive.
04:53All I can say is somebody better be driving, brother.
04:56No, no, no, no, no.
04:57Look, Costello.
04:59I'm trying to explain this.
05:01We go and rent a car.
05:02Right.
05:03Now where are we going to get it?
05:04You drive company.
05:05Now I drive company.
05:08I thought we were going to Palm Springs alone.
05:09You don't understand.
05:10It's Hertz you drive.
05:12Well, if it hurts, you drive.
05:15That's right.
05:17That's right.
05:18This thing is getting worse.
05:19No, no.
05:19Don't you see?
05:20The head of the company's Hertz.
05:22That's too bad.
05:23What hurts him?
05:24Nothing.
05:25Nothing hurts him.
05:26Look, every company has to have a head.
05:28Naturally.
05:29This company's head's Hertz.
05:31Then let him take an aspirin.
05:34Listen, Costello.
05:35Please listen to me.
05:37It's Hertz.
05:37You drive all over the country.
05:39If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive to Palm Springs and get
05:43Hertz?
05:43You don't get hurt.
05:44It's Hertz Company.
05:46Hertz Company.
05:47I don't want to hurt nobody.
05:48Look, will you listen to me?
05:50The man's name is Hertz.
05:52He rents cars.
05:53You drive.
05:54It's you drive all over the country.
05:56Not with that O.P.A., brother.
05:59Now, what are you talking about?
06:01What do you mean?
06:02What am I talking about?
06:02I mean, after all, that's why I can't go.
06:05O.P.A.
06:06What do you mean, O.P.A.?
06:07Well, I only got a puny A-card.
06:10Oh, get out of here.
06:21Calling Miss King Johnny.
06:22Calling Miss King Johnny.
06:24King Johnny on set.
06:25Well, Costello, here we are at the Swanky Lone Palm Hotel.
06:28Right out here in the middle of the desert.
06:30Oh, I don't like the desert.
06:31It's full of insects.
06:32Oh, not at this time of the year.
06:34Hey, Abbott, where do all our little bugs go in the wintertime?
06:36Search me.
06:37No, thanks.
06:37I just wanted to find out.
06:38Oh, now, listen, please.
06:40Stop that.
06:41Come on.
06:41Let's get a room.
06:42Okay.
06:43Oh, clerk.
06:43Clerk.
06:44Oh, jerk, jerk.
06:44Hey.
06:45Just a moment, please.
06:47This is a very high-class hotel.
06:48I'll have you understand.
06:50I'm not a jerk.
06:51You're not even a vibration.
06:53Costello, will you please act like a gentleman?
06:56Okay, kid.
06:57Clerk, we'd like a room.
06:58Very well.
06:59Do you want a room with a bear?
07:00What do you think I want to do?
07:01Follow the arrow?
07:05Listen, clerk.
07:06We're going to make a very important picture.
07:08Please.
07:09Costello, will you listen to me?
07:11Mr. Clerk, we're going to make a very important picture.
07:13And we came down here to see Veronica Lake about being our leading lady.
07:16Oh, yes.
07:17She's stopping here.
07:18Every time I see Veronica Lake, I want to kiss her.
07:20My mind says no, and my heart says yes.
07:23What do you hear from your liver?
07:26Well, Mr. Costello, if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boys show you to your suite.
07:31My what?
07:32Your suite, your suite.
07:34You're cute, too.
07:37Oh, come on, clerk.
07:38Now, what about the room?
07:39All right, Mr. Costello.
07:40I have a lovely room for you on the 10th floor.
07:42Here's the key, 1006.
07:44Now, get going.
07:45Okay.
07:45Hey, clerk, I'd like to leave a call for 12 o'clock.
07:47Sorry, we're all out of 12 o'clock calls.
07:49Then call me twice at 6.
07:50Now, listen, Costello, please.
07:53Will you take that key and get up to the 10th floor and into your room?
07:57Okay.
07:57See you later, Abbott.
07:58All right.
07:58Hello?
07:59Okay.
07:59Now, listen, clerk.
08:00I want to meet Veronica Lake right away because do you see every...
08:0310th floor?
08:0510th floor?
08:06Wait a minute.
08:07There's only one floor in this hotel.
08:09You haven't got 10th floor.
08:10Oh, good heavens, man.
08:11You're right.
08:12This is serious.
08:13Oh, Mr. Costello, there's no 10th floor.
08:16Come right down.
08:25Oh, Costello.
08:28Costello.
08:29Speak to me, Costello.
08:31Are you all right?
08:32What can I do for you?
08:34Send the boy up for my bags, will you?
08:44Hey, come on now, Abbott.
08:45Now, let's get out of this place now.
08:46Now, I've never been so humidity in all my life.
08:49Humidity?
08:50Yes, he humidited me.
08:52Humidity?
08:53Humidity means damp.
08:55Now, let's get out of this damp hotel.
08:56Damn.
08:58You can't check out.
08:59You just checked in.
09:00Oh, it's a gypsy in me.
09:01No, never mind.
09:02Shut up.
09:03You can't leave here.
09:04Now, we've got to see Veronica Lake.
09:05Okay.
09:06But if I stay, I want a room right close to hers.
09:08Well, that's easily arranged.
09:09Miss Lake is in 104, and I'll put you in 105.
09:12Ain't you got nothing closer?
09:13No, no, look.
09:14Never mind.
09:15Please grab the bags, and let's get to our room.
09:17It's right over there.
09:18Now, here's the key.
09:19Open the door.
09:21Hey, Abbott.
09:22Look who's in our room.
09:23And I'm only three and a half years old.
09:30Matilda, how did you get to Palm Springs?
09:32Did you come down here on the Greyhound?
09:33No, the Greyhound was full.
09:36I came down on a Pekingese.
09:39Uncle Louie, I got a job here in Mr. King Charney's Lone Palm Hotel.
09:44What's the job, Matilda?
09:46I'm chambermaid.
09:47I put lace curtains around all the mouse holes in the wall.
09:51Lace curtains around all the mice holes?
09:53Why do you do that?
09:54That attracts a higher class mice.
09:58Oh, come on.
09:59Now, get out of here.
10:01Now, listen, Castelois.
10:04Hey, Abbott.
10:04What?
10:05That's Matilda knocking on the door again, just to bother me.
10:07I'm going to put her over my knee and paddle her.
10:09All right, you ask for it.
10:11Ow!
10:11Ow!
10:12I beg your pardon.
10:14I thought you was only three and a half years old.
10:18Castelo, it's Veronica Lake.
10:27See here, Castelo.
10:28I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me,
10:31and this happens.
10:32I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
10:35You see, Abbott, she said the same word.
10:37That humili...
10:37Humili...
10:38She teaches at their hotel, too.
10:41Dampness has nothing to do with it.
10:43I said humiliate.
10:45Conjugated from the Latin,
10:46humilius, humiliia, humilium.
10:48I humiliate.
10:49She humiliates.
10:50They humiliate.
10:51Now, do you understand?
10:52Yes, ma'am.
10:53Everybody in the joiners, Damp.
10:57Will you stop that and pay attention to Miss Lake?
11:01Yes, Castelo.
11:02I'll have you know that I studied Latin at my mater's knee.
11:06Your whose knee?
11:10Mater.
11:10Mater means mother, and pater means father.
11:14Where are your mater and pater?
11:15They went to the theater with my braider and satyr.
11:21I mean, after all, I mean...
11:22Look, Veronica, never mind, Castelo.
11:24See, I make up all my own jokes.
11:25Will you keep quiet, Lou?
11:27Please, pay no attention to it, Veronica.
11:28I'm sorry, but you don't look...
11:28The fact is, we came down here to see you
11:30about being the leading lady in our next picture.
11:33Well, I think that's impossible,
11:34because I'm down here making...
11:35That's Miss Lake's line, please.
11:36Oh, thank your pardon.
11:39I'm down here making a picture of my own.
11:41My director's waiting for me,
11:43now out in the desert.
11:44I'd like to go with you.
11:45How do you get out there?
11:46On a jackass.
11:47Did you ever ride a jackass?
11:48No.
11:49Then you'd better get on to yourself.
11:54That's sort of a very, very snappy remark, ain't it?
11:56That's a funny joke.
11:57I think I'll try it on Abbott.
11:58Hey, Abbott!
11:59Now what do you want?
12:00Did you ever ride a jackass?
12:01No.
12:01Then hop on my back.
12:04Get off!
12:04Get off!
12:13Woo!
12:14Woo!
12:15Oh, boy!
12:16Woo!
12:18Well, here we are, Lou.
12:20Here we are.
12:21There's a Costello.
12:22All right, come on now.
12:22You had enough.
12:23Get off my back.
12:24Oh, pardon me.
12:25You know, Costello, you really did give me a good ride.
12:27That's right, pal.
12:28I did, didn't I?
12:29Mm-hmm.
12:29Come on, what are you trying to tie me up to the hitching post for?
12:32Hey, quiet, you guys.
12:34We're shooting a picture.
12:34Get that camera over here.
12:36All right, you extras.
12:37Line up on the right.
12:38Hey, Joe, bring that dummy over here.
12:40Okay.
12:40Put me down!
12:42Put me down!
12:44Hey, Costello, look at those beautiful extra girls over there.
12:46Now, as long as we're here, why do you say we date up a couple for the night?
12:49Oh, no.
12:50Not after last night, my friend.
12:51What do you mean?
12:51We had a couple of girls last night, remember?
12:53Well, so, all right.
12:54You had the best-looking one.
12:54So what?
12:55Yours had teeth.
12:55Now, wait a minute, please.
12:57Never mind that.
12:58Yours had teeth, too.
12:59I'll say she did.
13:00Yeah.
13:00Mine had so much bridge work every time I kissed her, I had a pay toll.
13:03All right, never mind that.
13:05I mean, after all, there's a...
13:07Come on here.
13:07And another thing, Abbott.
13:08Why?
13:08We're down here for business.
13:09I know that.
13:10Forget girls.
13:10We've got to get Veronica Lake in our picture.
13:12All right, there's a dressing room over there.
13:14I'll knock on the door.
13:17Oh, it's you boys again.
13:19I told you at the hotel that I wouldn't appear in your picture.
13:22But, Veronica, you're making a great mistake.
13:24We've had a lot of experience in the theater.
13:26I was in Tobacco Road.
13:29What did you do?
13:30Empty the ashtrays?
13:32Well, she sure told you, Abbott.
13:34Just a minute, Costello.
13:35Where did you ever act?
13:37Where did I ever act?
13:37I played in the way of all flesh.
13:39What part did you play?
13:40I was one of the meatballs.
13:45I didn't recognize you in that.
13:47You didn't recognize me, huh?
13:48Well, I was wearing a spaghetti toupee.
13:51Well, that's the first time you ever used your noodle.
13:56Well, I guess it's no use, Costello.
13:58Veronica will only make a picture with Glamour Boys.
14:01I'm a Glamour Boy.
14:02Just the other night, Hedy Lamart told me I was her idea of a lover.
14:05Then her husband walked in.
14:06Then what happened?
14:06Her idea was carried out.
14:11I'll tell you what I'll do, fellows.
14:12We're just about to shoot a scene for my picture.
14:15That scene is shot.
14:16Now, what about the next one?
14:20Veronica, we're already on the set.
14:22Oh, here comes my director.
14:24Oh, Cliff, I want you to meet Mr. Costello.
14:26Mr. Nazaro, Mr. Costello.
14:27Mr. Abbott, Mr. Nazaro.
14:28Mr. Costello, Mr. Abbott, Mr. Abbott.
14:30Hey, Crowder, let's get some more chairs.
14:33He's it.
14:34Quiet.
14:34Cliff, can you use these two boys in our picture?
14:37Yes, I think so.
14:38I need a lover and a stuntman.
14:40I'm a lover.
14:40I'm stunted.
14:43Now, wait a minute, Abbott.
14:44You're no lover.
14:45Now, what do you mean?
14:46When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me.
14:49Oh, yeah?
14:49The women who notice you are too old to sit up.
14:52Ah.
14:53Cliff, we're wasting time.
14:55Why don't you explain the scene to the boys?
14:57All right.
14:58Now, boys, this is a very simple scene.
15:00The camera catches Veronica and Abbott in an embrace.
15:03Costello, you come into the room, and I want you to walk over to Racer Raid, lift up the
15:07caster and pull in your sailor breeze, and pull the right to Cadillac to suffer a memory.
15:16How can Abbott do that to me?
15:20You don't stand for it.
15:21You grab Veronica in your arms, and you say, Veronica, I'm one of those of the surveillance
15:25of my mate, and every time that I pull you, you see a little cruddle breeze.
15:30I want you to kill the breeze and not the phone device, but one of the times that I stand
15:34with him, then he fought the caster and the type of sailor.
15:37Did you get it?
15:38Yeah, I mean, you...
15:39You didn't say it!
15:43Why don't you pay attention?
15:44He's directing you, Lou.
15:46Costello, I want you to know that you can't insult my director.
15:49Absolutely not.
15:50After all, I just told you I want you to go over to Veronica, pick up the caster and the
15:55hope of some iron balls.
15:58I want you to walk towards her, put your arms, put that little caster and the caster and the
16:03speech and the sword of things.
16:05And I know what I'm saying.
16:08You and nobody else!
16:12There you go again, insulting him.
16:15I can't understand you.
16:17You can't understand me!
16:19Listen to here!
16:21What's the matter with you, Costello?
16:23Can't you take direction?
16:24Mr. Nazaro is a famous director.
16:26Yes.
16:27You mean...
16:28You mean to tell me you never saw Gaugham with the Samadrins?
16:32Or for whom the Belch told the Samadrins could have been a bit in?
16:36I never saw him, but I saw Guadalcanal did it!
16:47You mean Guadalcanal did it!
16:49Did it!
16:50I saw it twice!
16:52Will you stop that, please?
16:54Let's get back to the scene, Cliff.
16:55Mr. Costello was just about to make love to me.
16:58All right, Veronica.
16:59Now, Costello, listen once more.
17:00You fall in love with Veronica and propose to her.
17:03I want you to give me that depth and resorted grace on the pace.
17:06And I want you to go over to her and bring out the cast.
17:09And bring out the Salaforce of the times when you love...
17:11Not carry around those other actors' race.
17:13I want you to Salaforce celebrate.
17:15Don't you agree with me?
17:17Yeah, but what about the children?
17:18Now, listen.
17:20He didn't mention any children.
17:22But he could have!
17:26Now, listen, Veronica.
17:27I've got a reputation.
17:29And I don't have to stand for this,
17:30because if I have to stand,
17:31listen to these fellas from telling me
17:32that I've directed formaries,
17:33I've made cantrons,
17:34baltrons,
17:35inglesalitries,
17:35carpas,
17:36and never made a force of the picture.
17:38And I'm ordered to sell it.
17:39And I'll do it, too.
17:42And he means every word of it.
17:44Uh, look, folks,
17:46I...
17:46I realize I lost my head,
17:48and there's just a thing I'd like...
17:50There's just one more thing I'd like to say
17:51before I go.
17:53Scanner Flannister for...
17:54Yeah, I'm glad he said that,
17:58because he's a nice fellow.
18:02Yes, he certainly is, Costello.
18:04Just think,
18:05after the way you treated him,
18:06he was big enough to walk back
18:08and say,
18:08Scanner Flannister,
18:09out of Stannison.
18:12And that means a lot, too.
18:14Yes, Lou.
18:15What have you got to say?
18:17I mean, after all,
18:17what can I say?
18:19After the fellow was big enough
18:20to come back and say,
18:22Scanner Santa,
18:22Flannister,
18:23Stannison.
18:26Lou,
18:27if you hadn't been so frantic
18:29when he came in
18:29to Thrallin' and Calyversade,
18:31he wouldn't have been
18:31so palustide.
18:34Palustide?
18:35That's the one thing
18:36I didn't do to him,
18:37palustide.
18:38I mean,
18:39what does he want from me?
18:40What does he want from you?
18:42Why, at this very moment
18:43he might be outside
18:44guilt-fending.
18:46No,
18:47not guilt-fending.
18:49Who, Abbott?
18:50Abbott, come on.
18:51We haven't got a minute to lose.
18:53Where are we going?
18:54We're going outside
18:55in guilt-fending window.
18:56Get out of here!
19:05Abbott and Costello
19:06will be back
19:06in just a moment.
19:08Thanks, Ken.
19:09Well, Costello,
19:10I'm certainly glad
19:10to be away from
19:11the Lone Palms Hotel
19:12in Palm Springs
19:13and all that trouble.
19:14That's right, Abbott.
19:15Can I...
19:16Come in.
19:17Costello,
19:18I'm Officer O'Hoolahan.
19:19You're under arrest
19:20for causing personal damage
19:21to Mrs. Niles
19:22and to her car.
19:23I'm taking you
19:23to the station house.
19:24Oh, yeah?
19:25Where's your patrol wagon?
19:26The patrol wagon broke down.
19:27Then how are we going?
19:28You drive.
19:29You drive!
19:31Not me, brother!
19:32Oh,
19:33resisting an officer, eh?
19:34Take that!
19:35Ooh-hoo!
19:36Now,
19:37what have you got to say?
19:38It hurts!
19:39That's what I've been
19:40trying to tell you all day!
19:42Tell me what!
19:43Hurts you drive!
19:44All right!
19:45I'll drive!
20:13I'll drive!
20:15scene in the Paramount picture,
20:16Hour Before the Dawn.
20:17This is Ken Niles
20:19wishing you all
20:19a very pleasant
20:20good night
20:21from Hollywood.
20:22Oh, yeah!
20:23Oh, yeah!
20:26Oh, yeah!
20:29Oh, yeah!
20:30Oh, yeah!
20:31Oh, yeah!
20:32Oh, yeah!
20:34Oh, yeah!
20:35Oh, yeah!
20:35Oh, yeah!
20:36Oh, yeah!
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