Ratbert accidentally sends Dilbert's model rocket into space. When it returns with samples of DNA from aliens, cows, hillbillies, engineers, and robots, it rectally impales Dilbert, impregnating him.
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00:12To be continued...
00:30As you can see, I've equipped this model with a state-of-the-art Pico nuclear propulsion drive,
00:35an artificial intelligence guidance system, and a super-hardened ceramic casing.
00:40Yes, but can it do this?
00:55I have no further questions.
00:57You're gonna be the envy of every 12-year-old in the park.
01:00it's not for the park it's for unmanned space exploration as you know i have long held firm
01:06in my beliefs that life in some form must exist in other places my pleas for further study have
01:11gone largely unheeded so i have taken it upon myself and program this to find any trace of life
01:17no matter how faint gather samples and return directly to me when it's done oh and looky it
01:22has a button too i wish you hadn't done that i know you're coming from
01:43it'll be okay as soon as it collects some samples of alien life it'll return directly to me
01:55you know that they're going to be going to be a lot of people but i think you have
01:59or even if we can talk to you are not ufo man like ice cream
02:04the rebel Nazis flower
02:06oh
02:07oh
02:22oh
02:25oh
02:27oh
02:31oh
02:32oh
02:33oh
02:38yes
02:39yes
02:44my first dying wish is to live but since that's not working out my
02:51second dying wish is to have an heir to my vast fortune your wife will be my incubator
02:57Thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you, whatever.
03:01Let's get one thing straight.
03:04It ain't free. We want a hundred dollars.
03:07It earned my quarters.
03:08The unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate hillbilly.
03:12Hey, just because I take money to make babies for other people, that don't make me no surrogate.
03:17Actually, it does.
03:29That rocket poached your eggs.
03:35I know it ain't fair to do it this way, Flossie, but the bulls think you're, well, skanky.
03:54It's artificial nanomachine DNA.
03:57I've synthesized the very building blocks of robotic life.
04:01So you're saying the robots will be able to independently reproduce and evolve?
04:06Yes, I am.
04:14Oh, oh!
04:32When do you expect it to return?
04:34It depends how far it has to travel to find samples of new life.
04:37The only thing I know for sure is that it will return in the end.
05:23I don't know.
05:56You know, it's lucky he has gallstones
05:58or this thing would have gone right through him.
06:00Is he going to be all right?
06:01Will he regain consciousness?
06:03And don't assume that because I'm his mother,
06:05I want a certain answer.
06:07Well, lab guy says the rocket was covered
06:09with a mixture of genetic material,
06:11including alien, bovine, nanorobotic,
06:15hillbilly, and two dozen engineers.
06:17In a word, he's pregnant.
06:20Knocked up.
06:21I told him this would happen
06:23if he kept playing with rockets.
06:25You did?
06:25I'm very thorough in my warnings.
06:28We'll terminate the pregnancy at once, of course.
06:30Don't try it, Buster.
06:32That's my grandson in there.
06:34Or granddaughter.
06:36Or grand cow.
06:37What were the other choices again?
06:39Alien and robot.
06:40Whatever it is, you'd better keep it alive.
06:43This is probably my one shot to be a grandmother,
06:46and I'm not letting anybody get in my way.
06:49His body can't support a baby.
06:51Unless we pump him so full of female hormones
06:54it scrambles his gender identity permanently.
06:55You know, if you doctors stopped worrying
06:59so much about the patient
07:00and started worrying more about the family,
07:03maybe we wouldn't be in the health care mess we're in.
07:06But it's not safe.
07:07It's not ethical.
07:09Oh, like you give a damn.
07:11Come on.
07:12You know you want to do it.
07:14Hmm.
07:15I gotta admit, it would be something.
07:17Yeah, we'll put something down on the chart.
07:19All right, what the hell.
07:21You'll tell him when he wakes up, won't you?
07:24Of course.
07:25Swear.
07:28Okay.
07:29All right.
07:34Maybe in the third trimester.
07:42My feet are like ice cubes.
07:44Is anyone else cold?
07:45It's exactly 72 degrees in here.
07:48The same as it's always been,
07:49and I might add, always will be.
07:51Well, tell that to my feet.
07:53Ratbird?
07:54I'm afraid of his slippers.
07:55You know what I feel like?
07:57I feel like ice cream.
07:59Does anyone want to share some dessert?
08:00You read my mind.
08:02Would you mind driving to the store and getting it?
08:03I don't want to be seen buying ice cream until I lose five pounds.
08:07Only five?
08:08Is that nice?
08:09If your feet are cold, won't ice cream make it worse?
08:12Those are completely unrelated things.
08:15I'll need some money.
08:16Rats don't have money.
08:17I'll give you a check.
08:18A check?
08:19It's a convenience store.
08:21It's a five dollar purchase.
08:22Who writes a check for five dollars?
08:25I give up.
08:27Forget it.
08:28If you must pick on every little thing I do,
08:30then I don't want any ice cream,
08:31or cupcakes or anything sweet and delicious.
08:34I'll just go to my room and put on my socks.
08:36Fine.
08:36Fine.
08:46Tiny.
08:50And those two.
08:52They make me...
09:06They make me...
09:09They make me...
09:30And now the chapstick.
09:36Sassy.
09:56We heard about your accident with the rocket.
09:59Someday you'll look back at it and laugh.
10:00We already started.
10:09But seriously, are there any after effects?
10:12None that I know of.
10:14The air is so dry in here.
10:17Doesn't it wreak havoc on your skin?
10:20No.
10:21Moisturizer?
10:22No, thanks.
10:23Who wants a peppermint?
10:24Peppermint?
10:26Moisturizer?
10:26That's not a briefcase.
10:28It's a frickin' purse.
10:29What else do you have in that thing?
10:30Not much.
10:31My romance novel, some moist towelettes, chapstick,
10:35extra pair of socks in case mine get a ru...
10:38I mean, ripped.
10:41You know how socks can get ripped.
10:43No.
10:44I do.
10:45You mind if I borrow those?
10:46Keep them.
10:47You're my witness.
10:48And I got these at the drugstore.
10:50They're excellent for absorbing spills.
10:53Oh, my God!
10:57I just have to try one test.
11:00Dilbert, would you like to date me?
11:02Not in a million years.
11:05Yep.
11:05He's a woman.
11:09As you know, our older employees, the ones with the highest salaries, are not dying at
11:17the rate we'd hoped.
11:18We've decided to reduce health care benefits to speed up the natural process.
11:28Dilbert, are you listening to any of this?
11:30Actually, yes.
11:31I've suddenly developed the ability to multitask.
11:35An hour ago, I was talking and thinking and typing at the same time.
11:39Men can't multitask.
11:41Only women can multitask.
11:43And lately, I've started to appreciate conversations that have no meaningful content.
11:48Is anyone else cold?
11:49I am.
11:51You can borrow one of my afghans.
11:54This is pretty.
11:56Did you make it yourself?
11:57I wish.
12:01As I was saying, your new health maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than
12:08the old one.
12:09How much less?
12:10They operate out of an Italian restaurant.
12:12How can doctors work in a restaurant?
12:14They don't have doctors per se.
12:17But if you tip the waiters enough, they'll remove your appendix and put it in a doggy bag
12:22for you.
12:22They also have early bird specials.
12:24They're very service-oriented.
12:27Sometimes I go there just for the sponge baths.
12:30What is our maternity leave policy?
12:32Our maternity leave policy is that if you feel maternal, you should leave.
12:36That's discrimination against women.
12:40Every day, this company becomes less family-friendly.
12:44Little by little, you chip away at our dignity.
12:47You could get a job someplace else.
12:49Wally, I'm not asking you to solve my problem.
12:52That was a plea for empathy.
12:54You could buy supplemental health insurance.
12:56Stop trying to solve my problems.
12:58I'm just sharing my feelings.
13:04Dilbert, if I wasn't so completely consumed by my own problems, I might be persuaded to think
13:10there was something wrong with you.
13:12Anyway, here's their pamphlet.
13:13It's also a take-out menu.
13:14They do delivery.
13:16And may I recommend the prostate exam Marcella.
13:22Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my appointment.
13:24I'm having dermabrasion and tiramisu.
13:30I feel different since my accident with the model rocket.
13:33Mm-hmm.
13:34Go on.
13:35For example, I no longer love my computer.
13:37I see it simply as a tool for increasing my productivity.
13:41Hmm.
13:42This morning, I pumped my own gas, and I noticed for the first time, it makes my hands smell.
13:48Uh-huh.
13:49And what do you think of performance reviews?
13:52I hate them.
13:53I never cared before, but now the thought of being criticized drives me crazy.
13:57And do you constantly find yourself wishing you could take a nap?
14:01Yes.
14:02Do you know what's wrong with me?
14:04Yes.
14:04You've turned into a woman.
14:06Ha-ha.
14:06No, seriously.
14:07Ha-ha-ha.
14:08I'm serious.
14:09You're a woman.
14:10That's impossible.
14:11Well, I can prove it.
14:14Now, tell me what you're wearing.
14:16White short-sleeved shirt, red and black necktie, black capri pants, white socks, and black shoes.
14:21What does that prove?
14:21It proves you're a woman.
14:23A man would have to look.
14:31Wally!
14:35What are you wearing?
14:36Uh, I don't know.
14:38I'll give you a hint.
14:39It's the same thing you wear every day.
14:41Oh.
14:42Is it blue?
14:43Ugh!
14:45Ah-ha-ha!
14:46Ashok!
14:47What clothes are you wearing?
14:49Um, I don't know.
14:52Possibly a parka or some sort of sweater.
14:55Is that close?
14:56Ugh!
14:58Loud Howard, what color is your shirt?
15:01Is it a loud color?
15:03What's wrong with you?
15:05Are you all brain dead?
15:06No, we're male.
15:08You seem very upset.
15:09Maybe you could take a pill for that.
15:11Stop trying to solve my problems.
15:13You're also...
15:15Ugh!
15:16Ugh!
15:20Do you want to hear the most ridiculous thing?
15:23It's what I live for.
15:25Our director of human resources thinks I'm a woman.
15:29Ha-ha!
15:30Is that funny or what?
15:31Looks like you need bigger pants.
15:33I don't need bigger pants.
15:34I need smaller pants.
15:36That way I'll have incentive to lose weight.
15:38Ugh!
15:39Ugh!
15:39But in the meantime, I'll have to wear something else.
15:44Where did I put my sewing machine?
15:46You don't own a sewing machine.
15:48Really?
15:52Mom, can I borrow your sewing machine?
15:55Mine doesn't exist.
15:56It's in the sewing room, dear.
16:02Did you tell him yet?
16:03I'm waiting for the third trimester.
16:05That's not going to work.
16:07We have some major adjustments to make here.
16:10I need time to ease into the grandmother thing.
16:13And besides, I could use a good laugh.
16:16I hear ya.
16:25There.
16:26That should be roomy enough.
16:35I didn't even know I could sew.
16:38How do you like my new shirt?
16:39I made it myself.
16:42I wouldn't call that a shirt.
16:44Of course it's a shirt.
16:46I made it extra long so you can't tell I'm not wearing any pants.
16:50It's an innovation.
16:51It's a dress.
16:52You're just jealous, but don't be.
16:55I'm planning to sew you one of these for your birthday.
16:58Hmm.
16:59Dilbert, I think Dogbert wants to tell you something.
17:02Really?
17:03What?
17:04Sit down.
17:08I wasn't going to tell you this until the third trimester, but I see you're coming right
17:12along there, so...
17:13What are you talking about?
17:15Dilbert, do you know that experimental rocket that had its way with you?
17:19I wouldn't put it that way.
17:21You will when we tell you what we know.
17:23The rocket had genetic material from a variety of sources.
17:27A wide variety.
17:29Quite varied.
17:30Maybe you could name a few.
17:31Hillbilly.
17:32Space alien.
17:33Robot.
17:34Cow.
17:35And several dozen engineers.
17:37Wow.
17:38Do I make a good life-seeking rocket or what?
17:41But that's not the best part.
17:42What's the best part?
18:02Table for one, obviously.
18:05I need to see a doctor, or at least a waiter, right away.
18:09What is your problem?
18:10Do I have to say in front of the other customers?
18:12Yes, you do.
18:14I'm pregnant with an alien baby, or perhaps a cow, or a hillbilly, or a robot.
18:22I recommend Dr. Eduardo, table four.
18:25He handles our nutcases.
18:28I'm not a nut.
18:30If I were a nut, would I be dressed like this?
18:33Good point.
18:35In that case, I recommend Dr. Eduardo, table four.
18:39That's more like it.
19:00My name is Eduardo.
19:02I will be your doctor.
19:03May I get you a beverage?
19:05Ginger ale, please.
19:06And what seems to be your problem?
19:09I think I'm pregnant.
19:16Say ah.
19:18Ah.
19:21I don't see anything down there.
19:23I don't think I can see that one.
19:26Take off your dress.
19:27It's a shirt!
19:28Yes.
19:29I will be right back with your drinks.
19:32Great.
19:33Nothing to read but this menu.
19:35And it's probably been handled by a million sick people already.
19:38We can't afford an ultrasound machine, but our busboy, Juan, is the next best thing.
19:45Don't move.
19:46I will make a sound wave, and Juan will create a picture from the sonic signature.
20:14What's in there?
20:16Sweet mother of God!
20:20Don't you think you're overreacting a little?
20:24No.
20:28Next week on Dilbert.
20:30What?
20:32Dilbert's having a baby!
20:34The baby might be an alien, or a robot, or a cow, or a hillbilly, or an engineer.
20:39Dime a dozen.
20:40Do your friends think you dress too sexy?
20:42Can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy?
20:45I need the money.
20:46Follow me.
20:47How much news can you afford?
20:49Tonight we take you to meet this curious man in a story we call A Womb with a Stew.
20:56Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of them.
20:59Join us tomorrow on Primeline when we begin gavel-to-gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century.
21:06Please rise for the Honorable Judge Stone Cold Steve Austin!
21:13Austin 360 has order in the court.
21:17It's coming!
21:21It's coming!
21:23It's coming!
21:39It's coming!
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