To hide that there are engineering jobs elsewhere, Dilbert is unwillingly promoted to management and given an assistant (Andy Dick), sparking a showdown with the other engineers.
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TVTranscript
00:29To be continued...
00:31I'd rather not answer that.
00:33Suit yourself!
00:34I haven't seen you since you got fired for gross incompetence.
00:38Well, as you can see, incompetence is paying very well these days.
00:48I'm revving too. You just can't hear it because it's an electric car.
00:52Yeah? Mine's not!
00:54You seem to be doing very well. What kind of drugs are you dealing?
00:58Oh, I'm still an engineer, just like you.
01:01Ouch.
01:02You are?
01:03Too bad you stayed at your company instead of trying the open market for engineers.
01:07We're quite in demand, as you can see and hear.
01:12I'm revving again.
01:13At my new job, I've made millions in stock options.
01:17It's casual day every day.
01:19Beer blasts on Fridays.
01:20I get free massages at my desk, a mahogany desk, which happens to be in a private office.
01:32Come on, turn already.
01:36Eat my dust, turtle boy!
01:45You can pull into the intersection. No cops for miles.
01:48You can't violate the law just because you know you won't get caught.
01:51Trust me, that's the best time.
01:58Mommy!
02:01Damn periscope.
02:03The weird thing is that I'm jealous of him, and yet I hate him.
02:07Which means if I became like him, I would hate myself.
02:10Logically, then, I must want to hate myself.
02:13I'll make the engine noise if you just shut up and drive.
02:16Deal.
02:17Vroom. Vroom. Vroom.
02:20Do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my company?
02:23Yes. It's just that one reason.
02:27I think.
02:28Engine.
02:29No, I'm sorry.
02:30Vroom. Vroom. Vroom.
02:39Vroom.
02:40Vroom. Vroom. Vroom. Vroom. Jiggen
03:40So just because he's got millions in stock options and lives a life of wealth and opulence, essentially doing the
03:46same job I do, doesn't mean he's happy.
03:49And even if he is happy, is that the goal?
03:52Good point. Touche. Now get out.
03:57I come here every day because I'm challenged by my job.
04:01I find a sense of fulfillment that no material object could ever...
04:05Don't wait up.
04:07I can never make it do that.
04:10Hey, be careful with the car.
04:18I ran into Gerald, our old co-worker, yesterday.
04:21The only person ever to be fired from this company for incompetence?
04:24He's working for some other company now.
04:28What's that?
04:29It is an old sponge. On my salary as an intern, I cannot afford to waste anything.
04:34I didn't know a person could live on sponges.
04:37This one has absorbed many food-related stains. It would be a shame to throw it away.
04:46As I was saying, Gerald is making a fortune working for this other company.
04:55Dish water from last night. It makes a delicious beverage.
05:02So I'm wondering if we're missing the boat by staying at this company.
05:15According to Gerald, engineers are worth a lot of money now.
05:18We could leave this place and be treated like rock stars.
05:21I don't know who this Gerald fellow is, but there are no engineering jobs outside this company.
05:30None. Zero. Zippo, Zorro, Mulch.
05:33You lost me on Zorro.
05:34You've never heard of Zorro?
05:37Not in this context.
05:39You ought to try reading a book once in a while.
05:41I think you're lying.
05:43All right, you got me. I've never read a book either.
05:45I also have no idea who Zorro is.
05:48No, I mean about the engineering jobs.
05:50Really? How can you tell?
05:51When you lie, you're bald.
05:57As I was saying, there are no other engineering jobs anywhere.
06:02May I ask why you're wearing a lobster bib?
06:05And why don't we ever see managers eating in the cafeteria?
06:08Where do you go to eat?
06:10Managers don't eat.
06:14Come on! Work with me!
06:16I think the managers have some sort of secret executive dining room.
06:19That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever.
06:24If you... an executive dining room?
06:28Get a load of... well, I never...
06:51You're late. Were you followed?
06:54They don't suspect a thing.
06:55Good.
06:56But there's been a breach in security.
06:58The engineers found out they can get jobs at other companies.
07:01How could that happen?
07:03Brewster, we still control the media, don't we?
07:05Yes, thanks to our generous advertising budget.
07:07And we know the engineers have no friends to tell them of the outside world.
07:12I overheard them say it came from someone named Gerald.
07:17Last name?
07:18I didn't catch it.
07:22Have everyone named Gerald killed immediately.
07:24Is that Gerald with a G or Gerald with a J?
07:27Can you just kill them all phonetically?
07:29Right away, sir.
07:35I have the same problem with clams.
07:37By the time I eat a dozen of those little guys, I'm exhausted.
07:41You have trouble opening the shells?
07:43What?
07:44Clams have shells?
07:45Okay, people.
07:46First order of business.
07:47The JFK assassination.
07:50Do we have a status report?
07:51As you know, our marketing stunt in November of 63,
07:55wherein we assassinated President Kennedy to bring attention to our line of pillbox hats,
07:59has continued to have unforeseen repercussions.
08:02Repercussions, you say?
08:04You know, I play the drums.
08:06Oh, really?
08:06Oh, you do.
08:08Well, it's not so much playing as it is hitting them with a stick.
08:12At least that's what I would do if I had drums.
08:14That's what they're for, you know.
08:16You know, sometimes I think it might be wrong to manipulate world events just to sell women's hats.
08:35But seriously, what about this problem with the engineers?
08:39We have reports of headhunters with lucrative job offers getting through the radar.
08:46Yes?
08:47Hello, phone number 5550172.
08:51Are you or anyone you know an engineer?
08:53I'm an engineer.
08:54Woo-hoo-hoo!
08:55Catch-in!
08:57I'm an executive recruiter.
08:59Did you know that as an engineer, you can get a better job at another company with your own personal
09:03climbing wall,
09:04complimentary tai chi classes, and unlimited cappuccino?
09:07And I can get $20,000 for making this phone call?
09:10Our company newsletter says there are no jobs at other companies.
09:14If we leave here, we'll die a slow and horrible death.
09:17It's all described in this sidebar.
09:20No, no, they're just saying that.
09:22We have a security breach.
09:24It's a headhunter.
09:25I'm tracing his call.
09:27Got him.
09:28Dispatch him in the usual way.
09:29Very good, sir.
09:33Hello?
09:34Hello?
09:35Hmm, must have lost the connection.
09:38Yes, but the damage is done.
09:40They've heard about the outside world.
09:42Maybe we could bribe them to stay.
09:44You know, give them one of those...
09:46Uh, you know, what are those, uh...
09:49Climbing walls?
09:49No, no.
09:50Uh, tai chi classes?
09:51No!
09:52Cappuccino makers?
09:53Uh-uh.
09:53Increase in pay?
09:55Yes, that's it.
09:56Woo-hoo!
09:57I love guessing games.
09:58Hey, what number am I thinking of?
10:00Ah, never mind.
10:01It's a letter.
10:01No, no, it's not that serious yet.
10:04That's absolutely a last-ditch measure.
10:06First, let's try promoting one of the engineers to management.
10:10This will give them all a false impression that they have a career path with this company.
10:15But who?
10:16Upon whom shall we bestow such a lofty mantle?
10:20What did he say?
10:21He said who?
10:25This darn machine never works!
10:27Nobody ever fixes it!
10:34There's your new manager.
10:38Should we give him the soda?
10:42Ah!
10:48Dilbert, I've decided to promote you to management.
10:52What?
10:53Why?
10:54I didn't do anything wrong.
10:56At least nothing that you know about.
10:57It's our way of showing the engineers that there is a career path at this company.
11:03No need to go sniffing around on the outside.
11:06I don't want to be a manager.
11:08I'm trying to do something nice for you.
11:10Well, stop it.
11:11I don't like it.
11:12All right, you drive a hard bargain.
11:14I shouldn't do this, but I'm assigning you an assistant.
11:17How about that?
11:18Let's hear you squawk now.
11:20I don't want an assistant.
11:21I don't need an assistant.
11:22I just want to be an engineer.
11:24Think of it as a perk.
11:25No need to thank me.
11:28Alfonso!
11:30Dilbert, this is Alfonso, your new assistant.
11:34Yeah, can I take the rest of the week off?
11:36I have allergies.
11:38You just started.
11:39Ooh, crack the whip.
11:44Old Zeke, I thought you were dead.
11:47Technically, yeah, but I need the money, so I'll keep working.
11:51I got the strangest call today.
11:54Some guy claimed there are jobs for engineers outside this company.
11:58I think he was a nut.
12:00Oh, there are engineering jobs outside this company, all right.
12:04I seen them.
12:05Really?
12:06Those other companies, they treat an engineer like a prized pig.
12:10I'd like to be treated like a prized pig.
12:12I've almost wanted to wear a rib and an oink.
12:15But I don't think I could ever find another company that didn't insist I actually work.
12:20I have a pretty good arrangement here.
12:22It doesn't hurt to try.
12:24That hasn't been my experience.
12:26Whenever I try, it hurts.
12:29I know, I know you got me.
12:31That's just something I say.
12:33And you know what else?
12:34A watch pot does boil.
12:36I tried it.
12:37Maybe I should at least go to some interviews.
12:39It'd be nice to have someone treat me with respect.
12:41They'll whine and dine you and tell you how wonderful you are.
12:45Then you can turn them down before they make you work.
12:48Wow, it's like being a pretty woman.
12:51I've always wanted to be a pretty woman.
12:53More than a prized pig.
12:55You don't get it, do you?
13:01Don't look now, but there's something following you.
13:04That something is my new assistant.
13:06Assistant. I forgot his name.
13:08And so it begins.
13:10Assistant?
13:11Engineers don't have assistants. Only managers have assistants.
13:14Um, I got promoted to management.
13:18You did.
13:20Not Wally or me?
13:21Wally?
13:22All right, I use Wally's name to camouflage my own selfish ambitions.
13:25You want to be management?
13:26I don't want you to be.
13:29You try to boss me around and they'll have to remove that assistant from you with forceps.
13:33You got me?
13:36Well, looks like someone got promoted to management.
13:40There, but for the grace of God.
13:42I don't see why he gets an assistant and we don't.
13:46I thought you were my assistant.
13:47I am not your assistant.
13:50I just do all the work that you don't do because you're too lazy to do it and otherwise it
13:54wouldn't get done.
13:55It's a fine line.
13:56As God as my witness, I will have an assistant someday.
14:01Well, make sure you get a good one.
14:03I don't want someone doing a bad job on your work that was originally my work.
14:07Look, Wally, you're a real original.
14:09But just for the heck of it, let's see if we can make a copy.
14:19Guess not.
14:21Paper jam!
14:23Hey, is it okay if I bring my piano to work?
14:26No, that is not okay.
14:27Well, what if somebody else brings it in and I just play it?
14:30How about that?
14:31You're supposed to be helping me, not making my life a burden with your annoying requests.
14:35Well, excuse me for not having a written job description.
14:39I believe that's your job to give me one.
14:41You're my assistant.
14:43How hard is that to understand?
14:44You assist me.
14:46If you told me to stick my head in a pile of manure, I wouldn't do that.
14:49That wouldn't be assisting me.
14:51Oh, yes, you're right.
14:53You're always right.
14:53I'm just the assistant.
14:55Okay.
14:56What if a piano just sort of showed up?
14:58Would that be okay?
14:59No piano!
15:01Is this a bad time to talk about a raise?
15:06I want you to make Ashok my assistant.
15:09If I made Ashok your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego.
15:14So you'll do it?
15:15I'll need more than that.
15:17Help me help you.
15:19All right, let's see.
15:21It would breed resentment throughout the entire employee population?
15:24Uh-huh.
15:25Nice.
15:26You make a strong case.
15:30Are you thinking?
15:31No, I'm toying with you.
15:33All right, I'll do it.
15:34On one condition.
15:36Name it.
15:36I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him.
15:41Deal.
15:59Hi, I'm an engineer.
16:03Code blue.
16:04I repeat, code blue.
16:07Code blue.
16:07Code blue.
16:09Code blue.
16:13Yes, a company jet.
16:15What else?
16:15Hmm, did I say llama?
16:18Yes.
16:18Did I say a company jet for my llama?
16:21Would you consider sharing your company jet with your llama?
16:25Share a jet with a llama?
16:28That's crazy talk.
16:29I'm out of here.
16:29I'm so sorry.
16:30Yes, yes.
16:31Jet for your llama.
16:32Stop moving your head around so much.
16:36Well, the paperwork is done.
16:38You're my assistant now.
16:40What?
16:40Read and weep.
16:45No!
16:50Who wants to start the weekly status reports?
16:54I will.
16:55This week, I discovered a glorious world outside this company.
16:58A world where engineers are treated like gods.
17:01No, you didn't.
17:02Yes, I did.
17:03But despite what you read in the company newsletter, engineers are in high demand at other companies.
17:08No, they aren't.
17:09I would have taken another job, but negotiations broke down over one point.
17:13They expected you to work?
17:14Exactly.
17:16Fortunately, I was too clever to fall for the old bait and switch.
17:19But I kept the llama.
17:20And what is your name again?
17:23It's, uh, Alan.
17:26Alan.
17:28Okay, who's next?
17:29I spent the entire week trying to manage my new assistant.
17:33Thursday, for example, was consumed by our debate on how bad a haircut has to be before
17:37you can take a sick day to recover.
17:39I contend it has to sever an artery.
17:41I spent the week plotting to make Ashok my assistant.
17:44My status does not matter.
17:46I am only an assistant.
17:49So let me get this straight.
17:51None of you dad-blasted Fliberty gibbets did any work this week?
17:56Don't tell me you're jumping on that bandwagon, too.
17:59Next week, I'll get a lot done.
18:01Now that I have the best assistant in the department...
18:04I don't know about that.
18:05My assistant is plenty capable.
18:08Your assistant is pathetic.
18:11He is not pathetic.
18:13My assistant can beat your assistant at anything, anywhere.
18:17Just name the time and place.
18:20Is this really a wise idea?
18:22What did I tell you before?
18:23Everything I do is a reflection on you.
18:25Maybe you'd like to have a little wager.
18:28Maybe I would.
18:40Two assistants go in, but only one comes out unmarked.
18:45I'm afraid.
18:47If you win this, you can have the piano in the office.
18:50I don't play.
18:51You know the rules.
19:01You realize I never even wanted to have an assistant.
19:04Neither did I.
19:05But I couldn't stand the thought of you getting a leg up on me.
19:08I'm loath to admit it, but I felt the same way.
19:10I guess we were both pretty petty.
19:12I guess we were.
19:13Oh, well.
19:15Begin!
19:23I will mark you so bad.
19:25Not if I mark you first.
19:41How do you like being a manager?
19:44Well, I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own amusement.
19:49That's my favorite part, too.
19:51Could I just go back to being an engineer?
19:54I think I've made my point that engineers have a career path.
19:58There was a point to all this?
19:59How about that?
20:02You call yourself an assistant?
20:05You're fired!
20:06Go back to being an intern!
20:09Oh, thank you.
20:12I think we all learned a valuable lesson this week.
20:16Not me.
20:16I learned not to keep a llama in my cubicle.
20:19You mean that new stench isn't you?
20:21No, we learned that it's not perks or promotions that keep us at our jobs.
20:26It's loyalty and love of our work.
20:29The passion that we as engineers approach each day with.
20:33Dilbert, Dilbert.
20:34Uh, yes?
20:35I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments.
20:38And with that in mind, I'm decreasing your pay, cutting your benefits, and increasing your hours.
20:44Everybody back to work!
20:45That's exactly my point.
20:47I don't care.
20:48I don't care.
20:50I really don't care.
20:56We have another security problem.
20:59This time, an employee named Alan.
21:03I didn't catch the last name.
21:07Have everyone named Alan killed immediately.
21:10Right away, sir.
21:13Wait a minute!
21:13My name is Alan!
21:18Did anyone else just lose their appetite?
21:24Absolutely not.
21:25No, no, not me.
21:26No.
21:27Me neither!
21:36No, no, not me.
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