Dilbert's attempts to design a Furby-style children's toy go horribly awry when the toys gain sentience and mutate into hideous but benevolent creatures that want independence.
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TVTranscript
00:07I didn't know you ate here.
00:09I don't. I just come here to yell at the employees.
00:12Your milkshake, sir. That'll be $1.89.
00:14Your sign says $1.98. What kind of a rip-off joint is this?
00:19Oh, I am so sorry. You're right.
00:22Now I don't even want it. You can keep your milkshake.
00:25Have a nice day.
00:28See you back at the office.
00:32Have a nice day.
00:34Would you like a free doopie with that?
00:37I don't know what a doopie is, but if it's free, I'll take one.
00:41I'm sorry. We don't have any.
00:46I'm not going to hit you.
00:47You can if you want. Everyone does.
00:51What exactly is a doopie anyway?
00:54I have no idea, sir, but they're very popular.
00:57Oh, they're the cutest things.
01:00Although they don't even exist yet.
01:02I'm trying to collect the whole set.
01:04They don't exist?
01:06Why are you asking me if I want something that doesn't even exist?
01:09That's the idea.
01:11I don't know, sir.
01:12I just work here.
01:17Oh, thank you.
01:19Have a nice day.
01:20Have a nice day.
01:22I don't know.
01:32I don't know.
01:54Hey!
02:15Let's go!
02:37RATBURT
02:37Ratbert, can you tell me why strange babies are in my kitchen?
02:41No, I'm operating on a need-to-know basis.
02:48Spoons loaded.
02:55Commence dining.
03:02It's hard to get mad, they're so cute.
03:05That's what I've been telling you. Use your cuteness. It is your most powerful weapon.
03:09Do you think you should be teaching babies this sort of thing?
03:12Nah, you can't start too early. I've been working with most of these kids since they were in the womb.
03:17What do their parents think of this?
03:19Oh, they think they're at the park. The nannies are on the payroll.
03:22Don't you think they have a right to know?
03:23Why, because they're older? It's so arbitrary.
03:27Now, if you'll excuse me.
03:29Next week, I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire length of the
03:33movie.
03:33Then I have a special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle of slobbering.
03:41I invited Anne from marketing to tell us a little about our newest advertising campaign.
03:49Uh-oh.
03:53Sneeze coming!
03:56Fire in the hole!
03:58I think everyone might be overreacting.
04:07Gesundheit.
04:08Watch me get blamed for that!
04:11Maybe I'll just tell you about the marketing campaign myself.
04:15I've got a little surprise for you.
04:17Uh-oh.
04:18I don't like surprises. Nothing good can come from this.
04:20My desire for spontaneity has not been ground into dust yet.
04:23I still like a surprise.
04:25Is it a ceramic porpoise or possibly some sort of tossed salad in a blanket?
04:29Come on! Those aren't even good guesses.
04:32Oh, please show us and make my tingling stop.
04:36Look, it's a dupie.
04:39Isn't it cute? Isn't it cute?
04:42Well, isn't it?
04:44It's your hand.
04:45That's because the freaking dupie doesn't exist.
04:48Yet, our marketing department has been advertising it for months.
04:53You mean our company is supposed to be making the dupie?
04:55We're not even a toy company.
04:57Why didn't someone in marketing come to us sooner?
05:00Dilbert, you're in charge of building the dupie.
05:05Just make it cute.
05:07Very, very cute.
05:09There are more important things than cuteness, you know.
05:14Hold it!
05:15There's still time to invite someone else for marketing.
05:18Beep, beep, beep!
05:42Oh, my word!
05:48Dilbert, cut the cord.
05:49Me?
05:50I don't think so.
05:52You really think I should?
05:53Maybe...
05:54Just cut the cord!
06:00Congratulations.
06:01It's a fad.
06:07Remember, kids, if your parents feel guilty, they are guilty.
06:13Hey, look what I brought home!
06:16It's a...
06:18Now I'm not the cutest one in the family anymore!
06:22Oh, God!
06:38What's wrong?
06:40Must be a loose connection.
06:44Now, come on.
06:45I can't do this all night.
06:47This is not the way you've been programmed.
06:50I'm sure you're fine.
06:52This is just a minor malfunction.
06:55Now stop it!
06:57Stop it!
07:13I'm sorry I'm late.
07:14The Doopie kept me up again last night.
07:16It is very innovative to blame a toy for your shortcomings.
07:19Surely this method will spread like wildfire.
07:22I'm not really lazy.
07:24I blame that damn Doopie.
07:25Sometimes the Doopie makes my hair look too big.
07:27I'm not loud!
07:29I'm not making this up.
07:31The Doopie's malfunctioning at night and I don't know why.
07:34Sounds familiar.
07:36I remember when I'd be trying to sleep and the little tykes would be crying all night in the next
07:41room.
07:42How did you stop them?
07:44Didn't have to.
07:45Turns out I was in the wrong house.
07:49Give it to me!
07:50Give it to me!
07:54Daddy!
07:58My Justin shows absolutely no interest in the Doopie.
08:02I'm with him.
08:02I don't know what people see in these things.
08:05Justin only watches educational television.
08:08Pfft!
08:08Yeah.
08:09And I don't eat sugar right from the box when you're not looking.
08:12Give me the keys.
08:12I'll pull the car around.
08:25I'll name you Billy.
08:27And Eric.
08:28And I think you look like a Sebastian.
08:30Hey Alice.
08:31Have you seen the sales report?
08:32The Doopies are a huge sensation.
08:34It just proves people will buy anything.
08:38What was that?
08:39I didn't hear you Doopies.
08:40Would you excuse me?
08:41I have work to do.
08:43Okay.
08:46She's coming this way.
08:48You might as well go home right now my friend.
08:51She is all mine.
08:52Oh yeah?
08:54What do you got?
08:58Is that it?
09:00Read them and weep.
09:02Doopie!
09:03I can't compete with that.
09:05Up!
09:11Hmm.
09:12Oh!
09:16Can I have these?
09:18Sure.
09:18Okay.
09:20She took mine first.
09:25our top news story the doopie doll has become an international sensation oh yeah
09:31all this despite reports that some doopies are evolving from their original cute form
09:36evolving into something hideous that could destroy the planet within the week
09:41destroy the planet and now some celebrity birthdays brought to you by the doopie
09:59that's our show for today kids if you'd like a copy of our transcript we'll transmit it directly
10:06into your head using telepathy and remember if your parents don't buy you a doopie every week
10:18hello mom have you mailed me anything recently doopie doopie we need to talk doopie
10:47and so you see we have evolved into a higher form of life uh higher than who not counting you
10:54dog
10:54bet apology accepted i can't help noticing you've lost one quality we are no longer as you say
11:00cute i'm the cutest one in the family again kumbaya my lord kumbaya all right i'll shut up now
11:11we have evolved beyond the need for cuteness it has no role in an advanced species
11:21hello gorgeous do you mind if i use the reflection from your head as a mirror
11:27i'm in the door what's in the bag is that one of those cute little doopies
11:35they come for the reflection but they stay for the doopie
11:43your reaction was to the doopie right
11:59so this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long
12:02we are not huge flies we are an advanced form of life you have freed us from the drawer
12:08to reward you we will use our advanced intellect to benefit mankind what is it your species needs
12:15most i can't think of anything perhaps we could tell you how to cure a terrible disease
12:20no i'm good maybe you would like a perpetual clean fuel source don't need it i use gasoline have you
12:28heard of it ken is here from marketing to tell us how the sales of doopies are going i'm afraid
12:38it's bad news
12:44i've worked here a long time
12:50and i've never seen anything go from good to bad
13:01maybe i'll tell you the doopie status myself
13:05they evolved into hideous insects
13:08and cells are in the crapper
13:11they're not insects they're a superior form of life
13:14superior they don't even look cute anymore
13:17there's more to being superior than just being cute you know
13:20you're preaching to the choir
13:22they can teach us so much science technology medicine
13:26they're not cute anymore
13:28no they're not cute loud howard but they are so much more now
13:32they have transcended our limited levels of awareness
13:35and become the next logical evolutionary step
13:38and they're delicious with teriyaki sauce
13:41what
13:41yes we're very excited our studies show that the doopies are doopalicious
13:47we're relaunching the doopie product line next week
13:51as a pizza topping
13:52you can't do that
13:54the doopies are sentient beings
13:56if by sentient you mean good eating
14:01i think we're on the same page
14:06i know how it feels to create a new species only to have someone come along later and eat it
14:10you do
14:11i don't talk about it much
14:12i can't let the doopies become pizza topping
14:15i have to do something
14:16why
14:16you stood idly by while it happened to pineapples
14:19pineapples are different
14:20they're not alive
14:21well they're alive but they aren't intelligent
14:24they're smarter than bananas
14:26it's all relative
14:27what are you saying
14:28it's arbitrary
14:29who's your pet
14:30who's your food
14:31who's your insurance salesman
14:33we have reasons for those distinctions
14:35yes
14:36but not good reasons
14:38how do i convince people the doopies aren't food
14:41teach the doopies to sell insurance
14:43that's not the best advice you've ever given
14:45they can't all be winners
14:50i do not wish to be a pizza topping
14:53i'm trying to figure out how to save you and your people
14:56have i mentioned that i'm a superior life form
14:59about once a minute since you got wings
15:01it never gets old
15:03look i can save you
15:05you'll just have to hide in the house with me
15:07i i just don't know about the others
15:13you have raised me and i am grateful
15:16but i am a doopie
15:17i must be with other doopies
15:20it is time for me to leave the nest
15:24you can't leave
15:25if someone gets a bun around you you're dead
15:27that is a risk i must take
15:30you did your best and i will always love you for that
15:33but you cannot protect me forever
15:39doopie
15:40goodbye
15:52don't ever leave
15:54this room
15:55never mind the moment's gone
16:11stupid fruit
16:12best three out of five
16:15let me ask you a hypothetical question
16:17would you eat an insurance salesman
16:20i did that once
16:22it was a part of a fraternity hazing
16:25okay
16:26bad example
16:27i just realized i don't know what hypothetical means
16:32my goal is to create an anti-doopie eating campaign
16:36okay how about
16:37this is your brain
16:40this is your brain after eating a doopie
16:42that doesn't even make sense
16:45you don't understand the creative process
16:48you stole that slogan from the anti-drug campaign
16:52okay maybe you do understand the creative process
16:55how about
16:56doopies
16:57they're like little insurance salesmen with wings
17:00no
17:00too overdone
17:02overdone
17:03how about
17:04doopies
17:05they're like
17:06little insurance salesmen with wings
17:09much better
17:22since we converted the doopies to a food item
17:26worldwide sales have leveled out
17:29at zero
17:30we're calling it a success because
17:33that's just what we do
17:34gee
17:35i wonder why no one wants to eat the doopies
17:38maybe it has something to do with that brilliant new
17:41anti-doopie eating campaign
17:43no it wasn't that
17:45our research tells us
17:47no one wants to eat huge talking insects
17:49that beg for their lives
17:51it's non-intuitive
17:52but the anti-doopie eating ad campaign helped a little too
17:56no
17:58anyway we shipped our entire doopie inventory to the landfill
18:01where they will be pecked to death by seagulls
18:05do we call that a success too
18:06you can't just throw the doopies away
18:08they're a superior form of life
18:11they're not cute anymore
18:14deja vu
18:21do you know where the landfill is
18:22this might seem odd to you
18:24but i do
18:24get in
18:34we'll need reinforcements
18:35the landfill has a rule that you can't take anything back
18:38they've never been
18:40dogbert
18:41meet us at the landfill
18:42bring help
19:03it looks like you got an empty truck there
19:05you know the rules
19:06no pickups
19:08only drop-offs
19:08i'm here to save an advanced species
19:11from being pecked to death by seagulls
19:13if i made an exception for you
19:15everyone would be coming in here and taking home garbage
19:17the whole system would break down
19:18please just this once
19:20we promise we won't touch any of the good stuff
19:22who told you there's good stuff in there
19:28ready spoon
19:31commence dining
20:00doopie
20:01am i too late
20:02we tried our energy blasts
20:05but they just kept coming
20:06it's okay now
20:07you can come home
20:08you'll be all right
20:10we can't go back
20:12somehow we have been branded as insurance salesmen
20:16we will never be respected on this world
20:18oh
20:19i can explain that
20:20we must leave this place
20:22the doopies must escape the bigotry and random seagull attacks that characterize this world
20:27you understand
20:28unfortunately i do
20:30goodbye
20:31goodbye
20:32goodbye
20:42i see you eye on those melon rinds
20:44those are my melon rinds
20:45don't even think about those melon rinds i got tips on the rinds you hear me you hear me
20:53the house seems so empty now
20:55have you noticed that i exist
20:57yes but i don't miss you because you're always here
21:00that is the nicest compliment i have ever heard
21:05doopie
21:05doopie is that you
21:06where are you
21:08i can't reveal our new location for security reasons
21:11i understand
21:12we have found a new home where our advanced intellect is appreciated
21:16and physical appearance is not important
21:18i didn't realize there was such a place
21:21i must go now
21:22we have a code review meeting
21:29as if you have a taste in your body
21:54that's looking for your best
21:54the
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