00:01I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies instead it reverts to its
00:06asexual state and then grows up again we thought my 90 year old grandfather had
00:10reverted to an asexual state but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver
00:13proved us all wrong my point is immortality is not only a possibility it
00:18is real only if you're this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of
00:22undifferentiated protoplasm if I could keep my gmail account I'd be okay with
00:27that well fellas remember when we were trying to figure out what that smell
00:34coming from professor Tupperman's office was yeah turns out it was Tupperman
00:39dead at his desk for two weeks in woo of flowers the department chair is asking
00:47that everyone don't need a bottle of Febreze if we're going to change the
00:52topic from jellyfish I'd be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the
00:56unicycle show a little compassion a man died and turned into a puddle of goo now
01:02we can either sit around inquire with spilt professor or we can rejoice in the
01:09knowledge that a tenured position has just opened up I choose to do the wetter
01:15excuse me the whole tenure system is ridiculous a guaranteed job for life only
01:20encourages the faculty to become complacent if we really want science to
01:24advance people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they
01:29say something stupid well I believe people do their best work when they feel
01:35safe and secure if you need my nose you'll find it firmly wadged up the
01:44weckdom of the tenure committee you PhDs gonna go suck up like Kripke no I mean I'll apply but I'm
01:52not gonna
01:53stoop to plain politics yeah me neither it should be about the work and if I can get
01:57tenure I'd like to see you or Sheldon get it yeah Raj don't dangle false hope in front of Leonard
02:02like
02:03that excuse me but I think I'm just as qualified as you are
02:12our whole universe was in a hot tent state that nearly 14 million years ago expansion started way
02:19the earth began to cool the autotropes began to drool the end with all developers we built a wall
02:36so tenured means a job for life yep you can't get fired even if you're bad at it not really
02:43well sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the cheesecake factory
02:49while I disagree with the premise of tenure if they gave it to me it wouldn't diminish my output
02:54I'm like the Sun can't turn this off
03:01are Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well do they know they don't stand a chance because
03:06you're so great well put I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend girlfriend thing but
03:14those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running
03:21would be nice to have the increased income stop taking money from my parents money from family
03:25does come with strings attached you have no idea they buy me a new BMW for my birthday but can
03:32I get
03:33seat warmers no Rajesh if you want a warm bud you're gonna have to pay for it yourself well maybe
03:39I will
03:40be the old man I think that's enough wine for now I just keep thinking about how cool it would
03:50be if I
03:50called my mom and told her that I got tenure at Caltech she'd be proud huh oh very huh assuming
03:56she takes my
03:57call my primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the
04:05fact I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow or a chainsaw or you take advantage of
04:13your newfound economic stability and move out buy a house married our family you're the chainsaw
04:28and I will return to New Delhi in triumph atop a bejeweled white elephant and you know what will be
04:37in an
04:37elephant's back a seat warmer no father you may not have a ride
04:46I'm gonna make some coffee
04:50so who do you have to schmooze to get this deal I'm not gonna schmooze anybody I'm gonna let my
04:55work
04:55speak for itself that's great that shows a lot of integrity thank you I'm a naive idiot right oh good
05:04you heard me you know if you really want tenure maybe you should cozy up to the people making the
05:09decision Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy I don't say but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to know who's on
05:19the
05:19committee let's see Janine Davis oh dear is that a problem well yeah even you you're a slave
05:35I'm a what not sure it could go either way
05:52hey Mrs. Davis hey Dr. Hofstadter just thought I'd come down and start getting ready for swimsuit
06:00season good for you yeah not that you need it I bet you look great in swimsuit thank you I've
06:11got
06:11what my father used to call furniture disease my chest is falling into my drawers I'm not familiar
06:23with this model how do I make it start you push start right this one might be broken you have
06:40to move
06:41got it oh yeah yeah now I'm feeling it oh this is great I could do this for the rest
07:02of my life
07:04hey speaking speaking of things you do for the rest of your life did I read that you're on that
07:09that
07:10tenure committee yeah I gotta get a home gym I'm sure you have a lot of good applicants I just
07:20want to say hi let you know that I'll be throwing my hat
07:29ring all right I'll keep an eye out for that yeah hey Hofstadter funny seeing you here for the
07:36first time in ever go away she's me in the machine let's do this hey Barry
07:48look at that burned a whole calorie I guess you got here early to burn off that banana bread I
07:56baked
07:56you yeah it was delicious thank you no my pleasure well if you if you like banana bread I've got
08:02a
08:02great recipe the trick is in fresh ground I'll email it to you all right I'm warm way to kick
08:11it up a
08:11notch let's go that's enough cardio for me let's stretch out before I hit the weight
08:23you okay pass up on
08:34good day mrs. Davis this is Dr. Rajesh Kutrapali from the astrophysics department
08:39don't be alarmed I'm not really in space
08:49anywho I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about myself so sit back relax and enjoy the
08:55following 90-minute video oh come on
09:01born in New Delhi the third son of an itinerant gynecologist I showed early signs of genius
09:09at the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon
09:18Mrs. Davis Mrs. Davis Mrs. Davis Mrs. Davis God they're everywhere
09:25come in Dr. Cooper how can I help you yes hello I'm fine
09:33I understand you may have a bad impression of me so I bought you a gift
09:39uh Dr. Cooper that's not necessary it's too late get ready to like me
09:49roots
09:53the tragic history of slavery in America fun for the whole family
10:00why would you think this is an appropriate gift
10:05um well you are black right
10:15this meeting has come to an end
10:17because you want to start watching it right now copy that
10:22let's see
10:24up next on the tenure committee is
10:28professor Wu get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan
10:38gentlemen
10:40what have you been nurse's office
10:44asthma attack
10:45asthma heart some kind of attack I'm fine though
10:49you guys going to professor Tupperman's memorial
10:52I mean I barely knew him
10:54yeah you wouldn't want to look like you guys are brown nosing the tenure committee
10:57it will all be there
11:01oh yeah that's what I was hoping for
11:03meerkats
11:10I won't be able to make our date night this Thursday
11:13so bad news for you
11:17you better have a good excuse this time
11:19because trimming q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense
11:24first of all when you say things like that people think you're crazy
11:29second the reason I'm canceling is because I have to attend a memorial service for professor Tupperman
11:34it sounds like a long and tedious evening
11:36it will be
11:37honestly if I must endure a long and tedious evening I'd rather be with you on date night
11:44but I have no choice the tenure committee is going to be there
11:47oh well in that case perhaps I should come along
11:51well now that I think about it that would be most helpful
11:53of course it would I'm well versed in academic politics and as a respected scientist I can only raise your
11:59stock as a candidate
12:01actually I meant you could drive me
12:06but if it makes you happy that other stuff too
12:13do anything interesting today
12:15uh not really
12:16I was out shopping with Amy
12:17she wanted me to help her find something for this memorial thing
12:21what is Sheldon's going to be there
12:22we all promised we weren't going to go
12:24what a jerk
12:25I know
12:26I was hoping to go without anyone finding out
12:30well since Amy's going do you want me there
12:33you know to support you
12:34oh that's nice
12:35but it's just going to be a room full of boring old men
12:38I'm not sure how much help you'd be
12:39okay
12:41I'm just going to tie my shoe while you think about that
12:51oh yeah no thanks that would be great help
12:56realize you might kill some of them
12:58well then you all can get tenure
13:03come on daddy all the other scientists have seed warmers
13:09this is so humiliating I've got to get tenure
13:13okay let's meet halfway
13:15how about I cut my cleaning lady down to twice a week
13:19looks like we're both going to be living like animals
13:25let's go over our emotional responses one last time
13:28okay
13:29professor Tupperman is dead
13:31and that makes us
13:32sad
13:35the fact that there are so many people here tonight
13:37doesn't make us cranky and claustrophobic
13:39it makes us
13:40glad
13:44giving mrs. Davis the box set of roots was
13:47bad
13:49yeah however
13:50no
13:50you're fine
13:53unbelievable
13:55you have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee
13:59you're here
14:00excuse me
14:01I'm here to pay my respects to professor Tupperware
14:03or whatever his name is
14:05so am I
14:06his passing makes me feel
14:08bad
14:12well well well
14:14Sheldon fancy meeting you here
14:16I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all
14:21and you
14:21you said you weren't coming here either
14:23I would take accident you don't know what I said
14:27I'd like to know why Penny's here
14:29I'm here to support my man just like you
14:31what are you going to do
14:33take people's drink orders and get them wrong
14:37do it
14:38do it
15:06don't just stand there
15:07take your breaths out
15:12ooh meerkat fight
15:15you're all wasting your time
15:17Sheldon is the most qualified for the job
15:19and no amount of gravity defying bosom is going to change that
15:24seriously is that tape
15:25like how are they staying up like that
15:28way to hit him with both barrels
15:32you two should be ashamed of yourselves
15:34using women to advance your cause with sexuality
15:37and whatever Amy plans on doing
15:42are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit
15:45yes
15:46okay because that was not clear
15:47Sheldon
15:51what?
15:52that was ambiguous
15:53well now it's big-ious
15:55what are you going to do about it?
15:57um
15:57you can talk some smack about his mother
15:59well yes of course
16:00he wouldn't like that at all
16:02last night I was feeling in need of sexual release
16:05when I happened to come across your mother
16:10okay okay guys what are we doing here?
16:13I don't know what you're doing
16:14but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj's mother
16:17for a dollar
16:20now you do what you want
16:22but I don't want to lose my friends over tenure
16:24friends are forever
16:25so is tenure
16:26what?
16:30I'm just going to go home and let my work speak for itself
16:33you're right
16:34this is beneath me
16:35like your mother was last night
16:40how about it Sheldon
16:43what do you think I should do?
16:45well
16:46you'll always be an academic success
16:48but
16:50I seriously question whether you'll make any more friends
16:56well I don't want any more of it
16:57let's go
16:59are you kidding?
17:00I would love to babysit for you
17:02I could not ask you to do that
17:04nonsense
17:04children love me
17:05something about me just makes them
17:07laugh and laugh
17:16no
17:16we cannot lose to that jerk
17:19yeah
17:19screw it
17:20I'm going in
17:21hold on
17:23I believe screw it I'm going in
17:25is what I said to your mother last night
17:30don't worry
17:31I didn't really say that
17:32I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting
17:38should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance
17:47Mrs. Davis
17:48Mrs. Davis
17:50Mrs. Davis
17:53I know you're in there
17:54I saw your car in the parking lot
17:58what?
17:59I just found out that you recommended myself
18:02Dr. Hofstadter
18:03and Dr. Kutharpali
18:05to be on the short list for tenure
18:06well
18:07despite your quirks
18:08the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields
18:12I don't know what you mean by quirks
18:14but um
18:16I do want to express my gratitude
18:18you didn't bring another gift did you?
18:21no
18:21no
18:21no
18:22I learned my lesson
18:23I understand that was inappropriate
18:25good
18:26anyway
18:26thank you
18:28you're welcome
18:37I'm going to pretend that didn't happen
18:41yeah right on sister
18:54you
18:55I mean
18:55yeah
18:56oh
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