00:02so I got the craziest email this morning I don't mean to burst your bubble dude but those penile
00:08enlargement pills do not work believe me I know the email I got was from the office of Stephen
00:16Hawking he's coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture and he's looking for
00:22an engineer to help maintain the equipment on his wheelchair that's amazing you'll be like his pit
00:27crew a word of caution I would not do your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him
00:36you're right I suppose that could be considered offensive oh boy Sheldon's going to freak out
00:46yeah he worships Hawking I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so
00:50he can meet the great man that's really nice of you Howard it's no big deal boy a restraining order
00:56from Stephen Hawking well look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy Carl Sagan
01:02and Stan Lee Leonard do you recall when I said I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding
01:10of the Higgs boson particle and you said Sheldon it's 2 a.m get out of my bedroom like it
01:16was 10
01:16hours ago what about it well I believe I've done it and I'm only saying believe to sound modest
01:21because sweet Sam Houston I did it that's incredible oh yeah break out the mat oh okay
01:27let me see this all right so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time now I was
01:34thinking
01:34you Howard you go ahead and eat this is gonna make any sense to you Sheldon I have a working
01:41understanding of physics yeah good for you and don't stop working on it you still going to tell
01:48him about you know who yep still going to introduce him not on your life
01:53our whole universe was in a hot dance state that nearly 14 million years ago expansion started
02:00wait the earth began to cool the autotrophs began to drew me and recalls developed tools we built a wall
02:05of the pyramids mad science history unraveling the mystery that all started with a big bang
02:17please please please let me meet Hawking I told you no but I said I'm sorry no you said would
02:24it help
02:24if I said I'm sorry and you never answered me so who owes whom an apology now Sheldon you're a
02:33condescending jerk why on earth would I want to do something nice for you um to go to Jewish heaven
02:41Jews don't have heaven waiting to avoid Jewish hell have you met my mother I live in Jewish hell
02:48Howard please this is Stephen Hawking perhaps my only intellectual equal you can't be serious
02:56try to put yourself in my place imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with
03:02nothing but dogs and then it turns out there's another human being
03:10hang on are you saying the rest of us are dogs okay I can see you're gonna take this the
03:16wrong way let me try again
03:18imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps
03:23get out of my lab oh now they're so much smarter than dogs
03:27have you seen them on those little bicycles
03:30get out
03:32how about dolphins
03:33out
03:37so come on how was the first day with Hawking
03:39it was great we talked about movies
03:42oh
03:43I showed him some card tricks
03:45oh
03:47he even let me read a couple pages from his new book
03:49oh
03:52something got you down there Bunky
03:55Howard please I'm begging you
03:58Ross you're our group historian has Sheldon ever begged before
04:01three times
04:02he begged the Fox Network not to cancel Firefly
04:06he begged the TNT Network to cancel Babylon 5
04:12and when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl parade
04:15he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly
04:20do you understand how important Hawking is to me
04:22when I was six years old
04:24I dressed up as him for Halloween
04:29you're kidding
04:29no sir
04:31no I took my dad's desk chair
04:32attached a speaking spell to it
04:34and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat
04:39granted most people thought I was R2D2
04:41but still I got a lot of candy
04:44you don't seem to be understanding the English word no
04:47it may be a different language will help
04:49Russian
04:50nyet
04:50Chinese
04:51bu
04:51Japanese
04:54klingon
04:54ko
04:55binary coded ASCII
04:57011 011 1
04:58011
05:03it's actually 011 011
05:05no
05:07I'm not asking for me
05:08I'm asking for Hawking
05:12let me try gangsta
05:14hells no
05:19okay look how about this
05:21you just give him my paper on the Higgs boson
05:23if he sees the incredible breakthrough I've made
05:25he'll reach out to me
05:27what if he doesn't
05:28he will
05:28he's really smart
05:32that's an interesting idea
05:33why don't you give me a minute to talk it over with my friend
05:37how do I do that
05:37walk away
05:38walking away
05:48you do realize you own his ass right now
05:51I do
05:53you can make him do anything you want
05:55yeah I know
05:55I'm just trying to figure out
05:56how much I want to punish him
05:59well don't be too mean
06:00hey fellas
06:01I'm thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea
06:03if anyone would like some
06:04I wouldn't mind a glass
06:05I wasn't talking to you
06:10bring him to his bony knees
06:15Sheldon
06:16come on back
06:23what did you decide
06:25I'll give your paper to Professor Hawk
06:27great thank you
06:28oh that's terrific
06:29but
06:29in exchange I'd like you to
06:32do a few things for me
06:34what kinds of things
06:35are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules
06:42of course
06:43you should be so lucky
06:48all right
06:49what would you like me to do first
06:51I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles
06:56oh
06:57by all means
06:58when I was a boy
06:59I would polish my meemaw silver
07:01and she would entertain me
07:02with stories about growing up in Oklahoma
07:04interesting woman
07:06you know
07:06she once killed a prairie dog
07:08with a gravy boat
07:10that's nice
07:22that's a lot of belt buckles
07:25funny thing is
07:26I only have one belt
07:29anyway
07:30I'll let you get started
07:31oh by the way
07:32the little marks
07:33that look like water spots
07:35I tend to stand too close
07:37to the urinal
07:37so
07:40what you're seeing there
07:41is splashback
07:45you make sissy
07:46on your belt buckles
07:50meemaw's forks
07:51never had that
07:53here is a black light
07:55to check them
07:56and for your own peace of mind
07:57you might not want to shine that
07:58around the rest of the room
08:09Sheldon
08:10these look great
08:11they're like
08:12magnificent little crowns
08:14that hang over my magnificent little jewels
08:19how'd you get them so shiny?
08:20oh I buffed them with turtle wax
08:23the man down at Pep Boys
08:24says from now on
08:25the urine should just beat up
08:26and roll right off
08:29way to go the extra mile
08:30your meemaw would be proud
08:31my meemaw must never know of this
08:35now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?
08:37oh my dear boy
08:38no
08:38okay
08:40next
08:41this is a
08:43sexy French maid costume
08:45I bought for Bernadette
08:46I thought it might spice things up
08:48and get her to dust my room
08:49at the same time
08:50I was wrong
08:52and really wrong
08:54you want me to return it for you?
08:56no no no
08:57oh my petite chérie
09:13what are you all staring at?
09:15have you ever seen a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
09:27hey
09:28hello
09:30it's not Saturday night
09:31why are you doing your laundry?
09:33this is not my laundry
09:36wow are these Amy's?
09:38kind of trashy
09:39good for her
09:41those are Howard's
09:42hey
09:45why are you washing Howard's man panties?
09:49because if I don't
09:51he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking
09:53he's a famous physicist
09:55yeah yeah I know
09:56he's the wheelchair dude who invented time
10:02close enough
10:03close enough
10:03I don't understand
10:05why doesn't Howard just introduce you to the guy?
10:07because he's punishing me
10:08for being a quote
10:09condescending jerk
10:10you don't think I'm condescending
10:13do you?
10:14well
10:14oh I'm sorry
10:16condescending
10:17I know what it means
10:19and yes
10:20you love correcting people
10:21and putting them down
10:22oh contraire
10:23when I correct people
10:25I am raising them up
10:28you should know
10:29I do it for you more than anyone
10:33come on
10:33you do it to feel superior
10:35I see that twinkle in your eye
10:36when someone says
10:37who instead of whom
10:38or thinks the moon is a planet
10:41or donkey hotay
10:42is a book about a donkey
10:43named hotay
10:46see?
10:47there it is
10:47there's that twinkle
10:49well I can't help it
10:49that's an involuntary twinkle
10:52what do you want me to tell you Sheldon?
10:55I want you to tell me
10:56that Howard is being mean to me
10:57for no reason
10:59fine
10:59Howard is being mean to you
11:00for no reason
11:02I knew it
11:08what's the matter?
11:09every time I spend the night
11:10your mom slots me on the behind
11:12and says
11:12go get him
11:15it's not her fault
11:16she's getting hormone replacement therapy
11:21makes her crazy horny
11:25check this out
11:26I got Sheldon to wear
11:27the French maid's costume
11:29my god
11:29that's terrible
11:31hey
11:31I gave you first crack at it
11:34why are you doing that?
11:35you're being mean to him
11:36he's mean to me all the time
11:38you've heard him tease me
11:39about not having a doctorate
11:41you don't want to get teased about that
11:42get a doctorate
11:46I have one
11:47they're great
11:49come on
11:50the man torments me
11:52I'm just letting him have
11:53a little taste of his own medicine
11:54it's not the same thing
11:56Sheldon doesn't know
11:57when he's being mean
11:58because a part of his brain
11:59that should know
12:00is getting a wedgie
12:00from the rest of his brain
12:05fine
12:05I'll just make him do
12:07a couple more things
12:07then I'll stop
12:08no you have to stop now
12:11Bernadette
12:11I want to remind you
12:13you promised to take me
12:14dress shopping tomorrow
12:16oh damn
12:20I'm sorry
12:21I can't make it
12:22but Sheldon's gonna go with you
12:32and that's the last thing you do to him
12:40Sheldon
12:42I need your help
12:46what is it now
12:47Mrs. Wallowitz
12:48it's this dress
12:49when I put my front in
12:51my back pops out
12:56when I put my back in
12:58my front pops out
13:01it's like trying to keep
13:02two dogs in a bathtub
13:06what do you want me to do
13:08we're gonna have to work as a team
13:10get in here
13:12grab a handful
13:13and start stuffing
13:21I'm not sure how to do this
13:24it's easy
13:25just pretend you're putting away
13:26a sleeping bag
13:30sleeping bags don't usually
13:31sweat this much
13:32but okay
13:35now zip me up
13:36oh if we squeeze you any tighter
13:38you might turn into a diamond
13:43you're right
13:44who am I kidding
13:46you should have seen me
13:47when I was young Sheldon
13:49the fellas used to line up
13:51and bring me boxes of candy
13:54why did I eat it all
14:00would you hold me
14:01oh no you know
14:03I'm not really the holding kind of
14:09oh guys I just remembered
14:11I got you some hawking souvenirs
14:14what are these
14:16gears and springs from his wheelchair
14:18pretty cool
14:21oh that's amazing
14:22yeah I made an adjustment on the motor drive
14:25and when I was putting it back together
14:27I could not for the life of me
14:29figure out where they went
14:33I did it
14:34had to go to three clothing stores
14:37but we finally found a dress
14:39that could envelop your mother
14:42I should have sent you to the custom car cover place
14:45in Altadena
14:46they have her pattern on file
14:49humorous
14:51now will you please
14:53present my paper to Professor Hawking
14:55I don't know
14:56oh for heaven's sake
14:57I did your laundry
14:58I pee pee proofed your belt buckles
15:00I even sprained my wrist
15:03helping your mother lift her bosom
15:09alright Sheldon
15:10there's only one thing left
15:12I want you to do
15:13don't worry
15:14it's an easy one
15:15okay
15:16give me a compliment
15:18fine
15:19you have very tiny hands
15:25no
15:25about my job
15:27I want you to tell me
15:29I'm good at what I do
15:31you're obviously good at what you do
15:33then why are you always ripping on me
15:36oh
15:36I understand the confusion
15:38I have never said
15:39that you are not good at what you do
15:41it's just that
15:42what you do
15:43is not worth doing
15:50it's nicer than anything
15:51he's ever said to me
15:52I'd take it and run
15:55thank you Sheldon
15:57now will you give my paper to Hawking
15:59sorry I can't
16:00what why not
16:01I gave it to him
16:02three days ago
16:03he was really impressed
16:06wants to meet you
16:09alright then
16:12thank you Howard
16:14please let Professor Hawking know
16:15that I'm available
16:16at his earliest convenience
16:20thought he might be a little more excited
16:22give it a second
16:30professor Hawking
16:32it's an honor and a privilege to meet you sir
16:37I know
16:40I want to thank you for taking time to see me
16:45my pleasure
16:46I enjoyed reading your paper very much
16:49you clearly have a brilliant mind
16:51I know
16:56your thesis at the Higgs boson is a black hole
16:59accelerating backwards through time
17:02it's fascinating
17:03thank you
17:04it just came to me one morning in the shower
17:11that's nice
17:12too bad it's wrong
17:17what do you mean wrong
17:21you made an arithmetic mistake on page two
17:26it was quite a boner
17:32no
17:32no
17:33but
17:33that can't be right
17:35I don't make arithmetic mistakes
17:38are you saying
17:39no
17:39no
17:41of course not
17:42it's just
17:43I was thinking
17:43oh gosh golly
17:45I made a boo-boo
17:46and I gave it to
17:47Stephen Hawking
17:54great
17:55another fainter
18:25I made a boo-boo
18:26I made a boo-boo
18:26I made a boo-boo
18:26I made a boo-boo
18:27I made a boo-boo
18:27I made a boo-boo
18:27I made a boo-boo
Comments