00:03completely empty box if you'd like to examine it yep I see nothing in this box
00:09but a wasted childhood little snarky there cello lessons and we have this
00:17completely ordinary cylinder if you'd like to examine it ordinary yet I sense
00:23it is dripping with magical potential oh dear lord a man pops out for a moment to evacuate his
00:31bowels and catch up on the adventures of the cape crusader only to emerge and discover his
00:36apartment has been transformed into a cabaret shalladay and he's just practicing for his
00:42cousin's birthday party as I was saying empty box empty cylinder and I'm telling you dude
00:52there's a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it this is how you're going to entertain
00:57your little cousin and his friends by lying to them how is this lying well magic show is an
01:03inherently deceitful proposition this is an ordinary top hat but you've chosen that card
01:08freely I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister can't you just enjoy the wonder
01:14Sheldon why must you peek behind the curtain or rub the butt if we poison the critical thinking
01:21faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats then we create adults who believe
01:26in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable
01:32rogue Nathan Fillion Sheldon he's just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids I really don't think
01:38they're gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie don't be so hard on him it's natural to be a
01:44little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear coins lodged in body parts is not a source of
01:52amusement when I was five Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose how is that not amusing it's
02:01still
02:01there takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security look I made Sheldon disappear today next time you should
02:14open with that
02:40oh look who's out on a date Pasadena's favorite power couple shamey
02:45and that is the answer to the question what is wrong with eating at the Cheesecake Factory
02:50sir we celebrating anything special tonight oh yes our relationship agreement specifies that the
02:56second Thursday of every month or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays is date night
03:05that is so hot
03:09all right without objection the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to
03:15any new business how was your day superb this morning I made a palindrome with my alphabets
03:24a nice hat Bob to Haken sounds like you hit the ground running I have a bit of good news
03:32myself
03:32my most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences and dendritic
03:38branches made the cover of neuron oh speaking of good news somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers
03:48that's nice anyway I've been dreaming of this day for a long time yeah me too triple digits I'm not
03:53gonna lie feels pretty good Sheldon I'm the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished
04:00journal that may change the course of my field mm-hmm oh 101 air is getting a bit thin up
04:06here
04:09so are we ready to order give me a minute I'm gonna go wash up well that's odd we both
04:17washed up when
04:18we came in it's probably a euphemism for urination well not much although I can be faulted for being
04:28overly fond of koala bears I don't know what it is when they start munching on eucalyptus I just melt
04:34inside okay Amy just told you some exciting news and you acted like it was no big deal oh I
04:40see why
04:40you're confused no her news sounded important but what you're forgetting is it was an achievement in
04:45the field of biology that's all about yucky squishy things she's upset you're her boyfriend you have
04:54to at least try to be excited by the things she's excited by what if they simply don't excite me
04:59well
05:00just smile and think about koalas she'd see right through that we go to the zoo all the time she
05:06knows
05:06my koala face and for future reference it's this wow you have a lot of magic stuff yeah started when
05:20I
05:20was a teenager thought I could show a girl a few tricks and bite her up to my bedroom to
05:25see the
05:25rest of the act did it work let's just say the only wand that ever saw any action was this
05:33one oh look
05:38what my mom made us for the act she cut up one of her old bathing suits she made these
05:51two vests and
05:52half a dozen half a dozen napkins has she tried on the best yet i just gave it to her
05:59i hope it fits she has a
06:01tricky figure she's short and stacked like me she's not stacked like you ma she never steps on hers
06:14listen howie maybe i'm not the best choice to be a magician's assistant you'll do fine hand me those rings
06:21see you nailed it no it's just that i'm not that comfortable with little kids well that's because
06:28you haven't been around them much this is good practice i mean you are gonna be a mom someday right
06:34yeah sure oh i haven't seen this trick in years it's called the dove pan you let everyone see the
06:44pan is
06:44empty but there's a secret compartment in the lid and then you open it and produce a live
07:01don't look in there
07:08oh a little red dead redemption huh yes how come you're not doing a mission you're just wandering
07:14around and a rough night thought i'd go for a walk and clear my head
07:22some people go outside and do that after nine o'clock at this hour the streets of pasadena are
07:29teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats you want to talk about it no i think i'll just go in
07:37this
07:37saloon and drink my troubles away
07:45you know digital alcohol is never a solution
07:49what's going on hard as this may be to believe it's possible that i'm not boyfriend material
08:02glad i was sitting down for that did you and amy get in a fight amy had a fight i
08:09was being
08:09perfectly reasonable i'm gonna have a whiskey do you want anything no i can't i'm playing grand theft auto
08:23later look i'm no expert in women i'll say that's not necessary when someone's trying to help you
08:30sorry it's the alcohol talking
08:36sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and show them that you can grow and change
08:46nuts to that what else you got
08:49i don't know what to tell you buy or something how does that work well you skip over any attempt
08:59to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture
09:07well that approach has sheldon cooper written all over it
09:12i thought i could help it's appreciated and if you ever manage to find a woman again i'll be glad
09:16to return the favor and now all the rings are magically linked together
09:29yet my fiance is wearing a magic ring too it made all my money disappear
09:36oh all right
09:41and now the great howdini's next miraculous illusion
09:47when are we gonna have cake after you've been thoroughly amazed
09:53but we want cake now well you're not getting cake right now capiche
10:01okay okay
10:04now my lovely assistant is going to bring me an ordinary pitcher of milk
10:09i know how you do that trick do you know how to pipe down
10:15okay we're going to roll up this newspaper it's a fake pitcher you got wax in your ears the man
10:22said
10:23it's an ordinary pitcher
10:28howdini okay we're going to stick this in here and then i'm going to pour in the milk
10:36i hope this works because i didn't bring a change of pants
10:40look i googled it it's a fake pitcher
10:46that's it no cake for you anyone else want to join the no cake club
10:52she's just kidding boys and girls everyone gets cake
11:00just give me the pitcher
11:02just give me the pitcher
11:04behold
11:17wrong pitcher
11:25i told you i'm not good with kids yes you did oh i think my crotch is starting to curdle
11:33the thing is my mother worked full time i had to take care of my brothers and sisters
11:38yeah so oh it was horrible with their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little
11:44shrieky voices always complaining i don't want to get dressed joey keeps spitting in my mouth
11:49this isn't the way mom makes waffles well okay put your hand in here let's say you like this waffle
11:57right settle town red light red light red light okay we're fine
12:05i'm sorry i know it makes me sound like a bad person but i just don't like children yeah no
12:11we all got that
12:14don't you think it'll be different when the child is ours right when it's our kid that's ruined
12:20my body and kept me up all night and i've got no career and no future and nothing to be
12:24happy about
12:25for the next 20 years sure that'll be completely different
12:32well yeah
12:38i don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that amy would appreciate more than the humidifier
12:43we were just looking at at sears oh my god now i know what i sound like to you when
12:49i say stupid stuff
12:54oh a pocket watch okay i don't think amy wants a pocket watch no but maybe she wants a man
12:59with a
12:59pocket watch still saying stupid stuff oh she like bracelets well she's very fond of her silver one
13:10that says allergic to penicillin maybe they have a dressier version of that well how are we doing
13:16this afternoon are we looking for anything special perhaps a ring for the lady trust me we are not a
13:21couple excuse me i don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out you'd be lucky to
13:27land
13:27a fellow like me fine go ahead trust me we are not a couple my apologies how can i help
13:36you today
13:37he's in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present great trouble with girlfriends is
13:42what's putting my daughter through usc
13:48oh are these real diamonds yes channel set baguettes 20 points total weight remarkable diamonds
13:55crystallized carbon every day people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of
14:00carbon in the form of charcoal briquette so they toss in their barbecues and set on fire but just
14:05because you've got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly you expect me to plunk down thousands
14:10of dollars actually that's only 750 everything's on sale really talk to me about that pocket watch
14:20i'm still trying to wrap my mind around it i always thought i'd be a dad someday
14:27well me too you're so caring i've often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood
14:37there you go howard sounds like raj will have your babies problem solved hey just because a man
14:42shows caring for another man doesn't mean he's displaying the love that dare not speak its name
14:49did she definitely say she didn't want kids yeah she doesn't like them from what i saw the feeling
14:55was mutual what are you gonna do i don't know i can't see a life where i don't have kids
15:06people have kids i mean even donkey kong had donkey kong junior
15:13so he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses and throw barrels at italian plumbers
15:22you know there's no guarantee even if you have kids that you're gonna like them wow that's rough
15:27where do you get that that's right off the dust jacket of my mom's last book
15:36maybe me and bernadette aren't right for each other look howard i'd say there's a lot of fish in the
15:43sea but i watch you dangle your hook in the water for years do not throw her back
15:51i don't want to but this is kind of a deal breaker what's your mom gonna see if you call
15:56off the wedding oh it'll kill her on the other hand if i don't give her grandchildren that'll kill
16:00her too so either way on the mom front i'm golden
16:07what time did you tell amy to be here eight o'clock
16:16sheldon that pocket watch is ridiculous nonsense i was like a train conductor
16:24under what pretext did you lure her here i said hey want to come over and hang out
16:29good good he said something clever she might have gotten suspicious
16:36hey what's he doing here okay he wants to talk to you well i don't want to talk to him
16:41and i'm
16:41pretty disappointed in you too although we both know that won't last
16:48sheldon you're up thank you amy i'd like to apologize your accomplishment was impressive
16:55and i'm proud of you
17:01we both know that's your koala face i told you
17:05okay look he bought you this jewelry seriously
17:11sheldon you are the most shallow self-centered person i have ever met do you really think that
17:15another transparently manipulative oh it's a tiara a tiara i have a tiara put it on me put it on
17:22me
17:22put it on me put it on me put it on me put it on me put it on me
17:24you look beautiful of course i do
17:30i'm a princess and this is my tiara
17:42you're right the tiara was too much
17:51howard bernadette oh she slipped right by me
17:56here's your vest back you should keep it you could wear it again sometime where i don't know hunting
18:05don't forget to talk to her about this mishigas where i don't get grandkis
18:12don't worry ma i will as soon as i can figure out a way to bring up such a sensitive
18:16issue
18:21i guess you talked to your mom huh i was upset my mom can be a pretty good shoulder to
18:26cry on
18:27if the smell of ben gay doesn't burn your eyes
18:32look it's obvious having kids is really important to you and i think i came up with a solution
18:38really that's great what well seeing as how i make way more money than you anyway
18:44what if i work can you stay home with the kids me yeah you know you'll watch barney and pull
18:51cheerios
18:51out of their noses and go on play dates and i'll work and have conversations with people my own age
18:56and enjoy my life
19:04yeah yay so we're good yeah we're good
19:10you know i don't know if this counted as a fight but how about some makeup sex
19:15i would love that but what is that behind your ear oh look it's a condom
19:27you
19:30yeah
19:31yeah
19:31yeah
19:32yeah
19:33yeah
19:33yeah
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