00:01Previously on the Big Bang Theory.
00:03My brother, he's got a big crush on Bernadette.
00:07You're moving back to India?
00:15What's going on?
00:18It's not what it looks like.
00:24What does it look like?
00:29It's not what it looks like.
00:34It's not what it looks like.
00:37What are you grinding about?
00:39Penny's brain teaser this morning.
00:42She and Kuthropali emerge from your bedroom.
00:45She is disheveled and Raj is dressed only in a sheet.
00:48The sole clue, it's not what it looks like.
00:54Just let it go, Sheldon.
00:56If I could, I would.
00:58But I can't, so I shan't.
01:01Knowing Penny, the obvious answer is they engaged in coitus.
01:05But since that's what it looks like, we can rule that out.
01:11Let's put on our thinking cap, shall we?
01:18Raj is from India, a tropical country.
01:22Third world hygiene.
01:23Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms.
01:27Mm-hmm.
01:27The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep and the worms crawl out of the
01:33rectum for air.
01:40Yes, just like that.
01:44Penny could have been inspecting Raj's anal region for parasites.
01:48Oh, boy.
01:49That's a true blue friend.
01:52They slept together, Sherlock.
01:55No, you weren't listening.
01:57She said, it's not what it looks like.
02:00She lied.
02:05Oh.
02:09Don't I look silly, sitting here wearing this?
02:13Our world's universes in a hot damn state
02:16But nearly 14 million years ago, expansion started way over here
02:20Began to cool the artrose, began to drool the end
02:23With all developers, we built a wall, we built a pyramid, snap,
02:27Files, this could be a maveline, a mystery, and all started with a big bang.
02:43Hey.
02:44Hey.
02:45Hey.
02:48Hey.
02:58Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with the woman you
03:03used to love in the very place you lay your head?
03:08No, I'm fine with it.
03:12That sounds like sarcasm, but I'm going to disregard it because I have an agenda.
03:16Paintball.
03:17Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend.
03:20Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command.
03:26Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much?
03:31Now, I don't see me as some four-star general back at HQ, riding a desk, and playing golf with
03:38the Secretary of Defense.
03:39But, I also can't be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular
03:44Joe.
03:45This might take some thought, as you were.
03:48What the hell is wrong with you?
03:49Yeah, how could you do that?
03:50What is it to you?
03:51I got his back.
03:52You're right, you're just jealous because it turns out I'm Penny's number two choice after Leonard.
03:58Hey, if I wasn't engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.
04:03Please, Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.
04:07Why do you care so much? You're dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.
04:12What?
04:14Gentlemen, if I may interject, I've decided my rank will be captain.
04:18Maybe it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. It's good enough for me.
04:23You're not in love with Penny.
04:25Yes, I am. The god Kamadeva has shot us with his flowery arrows of love.
04:30Who?
04:31He's the Hindu version of Cupid, but way better because he rides a giant parrot.
04:36Gosh, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you.
04:40A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancée.
04:44I'm sorry, what?
04:47Rubbish. She's talking rubbish.
04:48Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
04:53That could have been about anyone.
04:57Besides, you have nothing to worry about because now I'm the dusky half of Kutra Penny.
05:03For the record, I do have genitals.
05:06They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.
05:24Coming.
05:26Yep, that's good. Wine glasses should have handles.
05:32Keeping accurate track of your alcohol intake.
05:35Smart idea considering how trampy you get when you've had a few.
05:39You heard what I did.
05:40Well, I heard who you did.
05:45What? I screwed up everything.
05:48I hurt Leonard. I hurt Raj.
05:50I mean, what is wrong with me?
05:52I feel like two totally different people.
05:54Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.
05:57Don't be so hard on yourself.
06:00Do you know the story of Catherine the Great?
06:02No.
06:03She ruled Russia in the late 1700s,
06:05and one night when she was feeling particularly randy,
06:07she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.
06:14I'm sorry, what does this have to do with me?
06:17She engaged in intraspecies hanky-panky, and people still call her great.
06:21I'm sure your reputation can survive you shagging a little Indian boy.
06:34You jerk face!
06:37What did you tell Howard?
06:38Did you say there was something going on between us?
06:40Because he thinks there is!
06:42He's completely freaking out!
06:44Please, come in.
06:46What the hell is wrong with you?
06:49You were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.
06:52I'm nice to everyone!
06:56I'm sorry.
06:57Damn right you're sorry!
06:59And you tell Howard there's never been anything between us!
07:02I will.
07:04Hey, Bernadette?
07:05What?
07:06Do you think I have a shot with Penny?
07:07Of course you do!
07:08You're a cutie pie!
07:10Any girl would be lucky to have you!
07:16You know, I've done this before.
07:18In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there,
07:22he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb.
07:26So what did I do?
07:27Hung upside down for the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants.
07:31You can't blame yourself.
07:33When your prefrontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of dopamine.
07:38We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex.
07:43You know what? Let's get out of here.
07:45Where are we going?
07:46Somewhere where no one's seen me naked.
07:48We may have to drive a while.
07:58Subtlety isn't her strong suit, is it?
08:01Can I stay at your place for a few nights?
08:03Really?
08:04A best friend sleepover?
08:06Yay!
08:08Yeah, sure. Yay!
08:10We'll make popcorn, stay up all night, and I'll teach you my secret language.
08:14Op.
08:16Sounds great.
08:17Nope.
08:17Sounds gop-rop-e-a-top.
08:21Yeah, I'm gonna go pack a bag.
08:22No, you're not.
08:24You're gonna pop a gop-gop.
08:25A pop-a-gop.
08:33Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
08:37Who said that?
08:38Yet, Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.
08:43You're not in the mood, Sheldon.
08:45Oh, there you are!
08:49Leonard, I know you're upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help.
08:54I don't want to talk to Amy.
08:55No, it's not Amy.
08:58Hello, dear.
09:00You called my mother?
09:02You're...
09:02Oh, Leonard.
09:03Is it really necessary to caption the obvious?
09:07He's been like that since he was a toddler.
09:09Look, Mommy, a butterfly.
09:11Madly.
09:15What's going on? What do you want?
09:16Sheldon, inform me that you're experiencing an emotional upheaval, and I'm here to help.
09:22That's so nice.
09:23And we're back to the obvious.
09:27Now, what's up?
09:29Well, uh...
09:30Okay.
09:33Um...
09:34I don't want to get back together with Penny.
09:36We tried it. It was crazy. It didn't work.
09:39But I can't deal with the fact that she slept with my friend Raj.
09:43And then I find out that Raj's sister Priya, who I've been going out with for eight months, is moving
09:48back to India.
09:49So I'm just completely confused and alone.
09:52I understand.
09:53Got any advice?
09:55Yes.
09:56Buck up.
09:59Excuse me.
10:00You're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is buck up?
10:05Sorry.
10:06Buck up sissy pants.
10:11Thanks, Mother. I feel much better.
10:12If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon.
10:16Logging on...
10:2199...
10:23100.
10:25It's like a waterfall of liquid gold.
10:29My turn.
10:36You know, I don't even know what the point of me staying in L.A. is.
10:38I haven't gotten a single acting job since I moved out here.
10:41The closest I came was last month I got a call back for our hemorrhoid commercial.
10:45Oh, I could so see you being the face of hemorrhoids.
10:49I know, right?
10:53Maybe I should just move back to Nebraska.
10:55No, I can't let you do that.
10:57Why not?
10:59For the first time ever, I have a thriving social life and no pressure, but it kind of lives and
11:04dies with you.
11:08Hi, Amy. Can I talk to Penny?
11:10A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door?
11:12I wish I could tell 13-year-old me it does get better.
11:17How did you know I was here?
11:18It's all over her Facebook page.
11:24I'll take your stuff to the bedroom and clear out a drawer.
11:26Thanks.
11:27No problem. Try and keep it in your pants, okay?
11:34Hi.
11:35Hi, what's up?
11:36I was wondering if you're free Friday.
11:38They're having a totally 80's night at the Greek.
11:40Hall of Notes, Katrina and the Waves and three-fifths of Kaja Goku.
11:45Gee, that's really sweet, but the thing is...
11:48There's a thing.
11:49Look, honey, I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night.
11:53We should have never slept together.
11:54It's what ruins friendships.
11:56You can't ruin a friendship with sex.
11:59That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
12:03Come here.
12:05Listen to me.
12:07I want to go back to the way we were before.
12:10Friends, no sprinkles.
12:15Oh.
12:17All right.
12:23Well, as your friend, you might like to know that...
12:32We didn't have sex in the conventional sense.
12:42Oh, God, did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
12:47No.
12:48No.
12:50After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you asked if I had protection.
12:55Oh, you did, didn't you?
12:56Of course, I'm always packing.
13:00Anyway, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and...
13:09That was all she wrote.
13:16So, we didn't actually...
13:19I did.
13:19It was beautiful.
13:25Oh.
13:26Penny, please, please promise me you won't tell anybody about this.
13:29Of course I won't.
13:30No.
13:30Good.
13:32And, um, can I tell people that our love burns too bright and too quickly?
13:35Kind of a candle in the wind deal?
13:38Sure.
13:39Cool.
13:40Can I say it fell apart because you were all, I won't have your babies!
13:43And I was like, I'm too rock and roll to be tied down.
13:47No.
13:49Can I say I ruined you for white men?
13:54Also, no.
13:57Okay, just a candle thing.
14:00Cool.
14:01Alright.
14:03Friend.
14:05I'll see you around.
14:07Okay.
14:10Raj, wait.
14:15Thank you for being my friend.
14:19Penny?
14:20Uh-huh?
14:21It's getting beautiful again.
14:26Alright, this is a Google Earth view of the field of battle.
14:30I don't see anything.
14:32Give it a second to load.
14:34Whenever you're ready, AT&T!
14:36Okay, here we go.
14:38This is us here.
14:39To the south is Professor Loomis in the geology department.
14:42According to their Twitter feed, they're out of sunblock.
14:45Which means they'll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma.
14:49That's our edge.
14:50All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge.
14:53The rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won't know what hit them.
14:56Alright, let's move out.
14:59Hang on, Sheldon.
15:00How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
15:04Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancée.
15:09Screw you, that was a beautifully written penis metaphor.
15:15You know what, guys, I'm not in the mood for paintball.
15:19What do you say we just bag it?
15:20Fine with me.
15:21Sure, whatever.
15:22But you can't quit.
15:23That's a court-martial offense.
15:24That's punishable by...
15:27You can't quit.
15:29I'm sorry, Sheldon.
15:31It's just not a good time for playing games.
15:33This is a game to you?
15:35Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game?
15:38Was the Sack of Rome a game?
15:41Yes, no, and no.
15:44Wait!
15:47I just want you all to know that...
15:49I forgive you.
15:51This mutiny isn't your fault.
15:53It's mine.
15:54I haven't earned these bars.
16:03Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I'm more than make up for in sewing.
16:09Let it go, Sheldon.
16:10I'll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.
16:12No.
16:14Jamba Juice is for heroes.
16:19And that's what we're going to be.
16:22What are you doing?
16:24Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo.
16:40Geology isn't a real science!
16:43No!
16:48No!
16:53No!
16:57No!
17:01Damn loose!
17:02No!
17:03No!
17:05No!
17:07No!
17:12If there's ever a church of Sheldon, this will be when it started.
17:17Ow!
17:21I'd like to propose a toast to the man whose noble sacrifice inspired our victory,
17:26Captain Sheldon Cooper.
17:28Excuse me, it's Major Sheldon Cooper.
17:32With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion.
17:38It's kind of a big deal.
17:42Hi, you guys have a minute?
17:45Uh, yeah, sure.
17:48Okay, um, well I already talked to Raj, but I wanted to apologize to the rest of you for,
17:55you know, everything.
17:57Please, Penny, let me.
17:59We've decided to let our crazy, wonderful night together be just one of those memories you
18:05have and can call to mind when you're feeling blue or you're in the shower.
18:11Hey, what you doing, quick draw?
18:20Sorry, go on.
18:22Anyways, I wanted you guys all to know that I've been taking a really hard look at things
18:26and come to the conclusion I have to stop kidding myself.
18:30I suck at acting.
18:31It's time for me to move back to Nebraska.
18:35You're leaving?
18:36Yeah.
18:37What are you going to do in Nebraska?
18:39I don't know, maybe teach acting.
18:44Sorry, hold on.
18:45Hello?
18:46Penny, Penny, listen.
18:47I hope you're not doing this because of you and me,
18:48because I have a girlfriend and you're a single woman.
18:51Shh, it's my agent, it's my agent.
18:53You're kidding.
18:53Oh, my gosh.
18:54I can't believe it, really?
18:56Oh, I'm so excited.
18:58Thank you so much.
18:59Okay, bye.
19:01I got the hemorrhoid commercial.
19:02I start Monday.
19:05What about Nebraska?
19:06Oh, hell, Nebraska.
19:07I'm going to be a star.
19:17Have you ever thought of teaching physics?
19:27Ready to ride?
19:28I don't think so, Mom.
19:30Not today.
19:32Oh, sweetie.
19:33Hemorrhoid's acting up again?
19:35You don't know the half of it.
19:37Oh, yes, I do.
19:39Try a dab of this.
19:43Rose-scented preparation H for women?
19:47Now the H is for her.
19:55I'm proud of you.
19:57Shh, here comes my joke.
19:58How are you doing?
20:01Sitting pretty.
20:15I'm proud of you.
20:17Bye.
20:29Listen to pe become a dad.
20:30I love you.
20:32Do eat that.
20:33I love you.
20:33Tell the kids I love you.
20:33Listen to me.
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