- 4 hours ago
Tv, Red Dwarf IV -Series 2 (Bonus Materia)4
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00:18What a productive day, eh?
00:20We've been in space barely nine hours
00:22and we've managed to spot nearly 248 asteroids.
00:25Marvellous.
00:26Oh, yeah. Big chief ice spire be well pleased.
00:30We give you one of them little special badges.
00:33Right, and is there any possibility we can go just a little bit faster?
00:36I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?
00:39Yeah, and he was the rodents' equivalents of Marlon Brando.
00:42The paper boat's better on this, though.
00:44This paper boat actually looks like it's made out of paper.
00:47Somehow the original never really convinced me.
00:49Well, they obviously hired the cheaper hamster
00:51and poured all the money into the special effects.
00:55Whatever happened to old Hammond?
00:56You'd better get after him, then, I'd not get him,
00:58and he might need some help.
00:59Look, it's pointless as both going off
01:01and getting terrorised to death by some deranged, rampaging mutant.
01:05It's much better if one of us stays here and survives
01:07to enjoy the full pleasure of being blown to smithereens in 17 minutes' time.
01:11This is all your fault, Lister.
01:14Where the smeg is he?
01:26This is strange, you know.
01:28You don't half remind me of someone.
01:30In fact, you look so much like it, it's untrue.
01:32Was she special?
01:34Special?
01:35She was the one true love of my life.
01:37If you discount lager milkshakes.
01:39What happened?
01:41Oh, you know, the usual.
01:42She took my heart and fed it through a car crusher.
01:45Came back about this big with a little bit of a mini-metro in it.
01:48She must have been insane.
01:58FAMILY
02:00GENERATENDOUS
02:00LAUGHTER
02:28We don't want him.
02:30Go away.
02:32You took him, you can keep the smegger.
02:36Rima, relax, man.
02:37Is this the chance you've been waiting for your entire life?
02:39The chance to meet an alien species?
02:55I think we can assume he started out as human and something happened here,
02:59something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
03:01Yeah, he probably rented Jane Seymour's workout video by mistake.
03:07Transmographer what?
03:08What's that?
03:09Hey, maybe it's something nice.
03:11Stop thinking negative.
03:12Gene sample accepted and cloned.
03:15Please key in your genetic structure.
03:16Do nothing.
03:18Press nothing.
03:20Get Crichton!
03:29Do yourself a favour, man.
03:31Change back.
03:32Back?
03:33Become one of those poor, sappy, sad act mechanoids again?
03:35This is my dream.
03:37Yeah, but sometimes the worst thing that can happen to you is to have your dreams come true.
03:42Why?
03:42Because the dream never matches the reality.
03:45Oh, come, come, sir.
03:46You're getting far too maudlin.
03:48Hey, listen, listen.
03:49I've got a joke for you.
03:49Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a light bulb?
03:53I don't know.
03:54Twelve.
03:55And you know why?
03:56Why?
03:57Because they're so stupid.
04:00That machine is the greatest single technological advancement mankind has ever made.
04:05Greater than fire.
04:06Greater than the wheel.
04:08Greater even than the amateur Hammond organ with built-in bossa nova rhythm.
04:12It's awesome.
04:13What about the dude with three heads?
04:15What happened to him?
04:16I won't be made of dandruff.
04:18My body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
04:22Yeah, but you'll still think like dandruff.
04:24You'll be fighting this constant urge to climb on people's heads and hurl yourself around their shoulders.
04:30What do you reckon, Hol?
04:31I reckon I got it sussed.
04:33I reckon I definitely know what I'm doing.
04:35I reckon there isn't even the remotest possibility of another gaff.
04:38Then again, I might be wrong.
04:41I reckon we should try it first.
04:54I should be wrong.
05:04BULLSEYE!
05:31The first female company in three million years
05:35and I look like something that belongs up a whale's nose.
05:38Paint my head green, sit me on a cushion,
05:40look at an audition for a party in dandé.
05:43Oh, it's you.
05:44Well, thanks for visiting me, man. Thanks a lot.
05:47I kept meaning to drive by,
05:48but it was never far enough away from a meal break.
05:50Look at you. You know what you look like?
05:52It's nauseating.
05:53You could go double dating with the elephant man
05:55and he would be the looker.
05:58Hey, can't you wear a sack or something?
05:59You're so insensitive.
06:01I hope you never get space mumps.
06:03I hope you never have to walk around
06:04with five pints of guns swishing about in your head.
06:08Why isn't this activated?
06:10Who started the RP?
06:12He did.
06:13You simple-minded gim boy.
06:15Didn't I tell you to leave this to me?
06:17I was getting impatient.
06:18I haven't seen any action since the fall of Rome.
06:21Look, what's the problem?
06:22She's in there. Let's get her around.
06:30Well, come on, guys.
06:31Everyone's done something in the past
06:32that's been a little bit illegal.
06:34I haven't. I've never so much as got a parking ticket.
06:36Neither have I.
06:37Me neither.
06:38There's only one cat law.
06:39Be cool.
06:40And I certainly never wrote that.
06:42Yeah, but most people, I mean, everyone I knew.
06:46Oh, smacking hell.
06:48So, what did you do?
06:50Well, like scrumping.
06:51When I was a kid back in Liverpool,
06:52we used to always go scrumping.
06:54Oh, stealing apples, that's hardly a crime, sir.
06:56Yeah, but me and me mates,
06:57we used to go scrumping for cars.
07:00Do you mean to say you went to a hotel and stole the bed?
07:03Stole the entire room?
07:05Tables, chairs, beds, room service, menu,
07:08complimentary sashes of artificial milk,
07:10even a Gideon Bible.
07:11Don't you think I didn't steal with the towels?
07:14I'm not proud of it.
07:15Should have nicked them, too.
07:18Absolutely despicable.
07:19You're a common thief.
07:20I was a kid.
07:21Sounds like you were Billy the Kid.
07:24Sentence to commence immediately.
07:33I've known Goffo's head now for,
07:35whew, I don't know how long,
07:37and I never dreamt anything this good could ever happen.
07:51So, if you can prove he's a sad, trumped-up weasel of a man,
07:54you can get him off?
07:55Precisely.
07:56Right, I see.
07:57But how would you begin to build such a case?
07:59Where would you conjure up the evidence?
08:00Sir, providing I can have complete free access
08:02to your personal data files,
08:04I think I could come up with the outline
08:06of a winning case by lunchtime.
08:08You really think you can convince them
08:10that I'm a clueless dipstick?
08:12Some kind of blundering, self-important,
08:14megalomaniac cock-up artist?
08:17Sir, I bet my head on it.
08:33No, not that one, but it's such a fine example, sir.
08:36I had no way of knowing the gun was loaded.
08:39And it sounds so awful,
08:40I shot my commanding officer in the head.
08:44Sounds much worse than it was,
08:45I just graced his temple.
08:46But we need everything we can get to.
08:48What about this one here?
08:50This is one weird prison.
08:52Fields and lakes, shops and cinemas.
08:54Well, they obviously believed
08:55you can't rehabilitate criminals
08:56by taking them out of society.
08:58So they built a self-contained society,
09:00only one where crime was impossible.
09:02Impossible?
09:03Hmm.
09:04You can't commit a crime here
09:05and get away with it.
09:20That's a big bird.
09:36Can you name for the court
09:38the members of Z-Shift?
09:40Yes.
09:44Uh, name them, please.
09:46Me.
09:49So, uh, this man
09:50who was totally dedicated
09:51to his career
09:52after a 12 long years' service
09:54was in charge of just one man.
09:56All the rest requested transfers.
09:58Hmm.
09:59So Z-Shift comprised just two men.
10:02Right.
10:03And what was Z-Shift's
10:04most important duty?
10:06Objection!
10:07Overruled.
10:08Objectively overruling
10:09of my previous objection.
10:10Once again, overruled.
10:12Objection!
10:13Sir, what are you objecting to now?
10:16I want an apology.
10:17Please.
10:18It is the wish of this court
10:19that you leave this penal colony
10:21as soon as is humanly possible.
10:23The business of this court
10:25is concluded.
10:29Brilliant, Crichton.
10:30What can I say?
10:31You were brilliant.
10:32You even had me believing it.
10:33The way you twisted the facts
10:34to make them fit this pattern.
10:37And, Listie, that git line.
10:39You made it sound so credible.
10:40Come on, let's get out of here.
10:50I think we should go up
10:51to the science room
10:52and consult Holly.
10:53It's only two floors up.
10:54But she's got less than
10:55two minutes of run time left.
10:56With her new IQ,
10:57it could be enough.
11:01Hmm.
11:02This may take some time.
11:07Hmm.
11:08Interesting.
11:22That's it.
11:23An IQ of 12,000,
11:24and that's all she gives us.
11:25David Cassidy's greatest hits.
11:28It's a computer slug.
11:30From the format,
11:31it looks like it's compatible
11:31with Starbugs Navicom.
11:34Well, let's go.
11:36Well, let's go.
11:39Well, let's go.
11:41Well, let's go.
11:44Hmm.
11:45Curious.
11:46So, what is it?
11:47I've never seen one before.
11:53I told you not to talk.
11:55Game on.
11:56You're going to drink
11:57an entire six-pack
11:58of wicked-strength lager?
12:00No.
12:00I'm going to drink
12:01the entire case.
12:02I play my best pool
12:03when I've had a few beers.
12:04It steadies me nerves.
12:05I'm not going to get blasted,
12:06Rimmer.
12:07Just...
12:07Just nicely drunk.
12:10Define nicely drunk
12:11is nicely drunk
12:12horizontal or perpendicular.
12:13Rimmer,
12:14I can handle it.
12:15I'm not sure I can.
12:17Hey, look,
12:17I'm not good at much,
12:18but what I am good at,
12:19I'm really good at.
12:20Like what?
12:22Like, one,
12:22I play a damn fine game
12:24of pool.
12:25Like, two,
12:25I'm a tender,
12:26sensitive,
12:27considerate lover.
12:28And like three,
12:29I can belch the hole
12:31of Yankee Doodle Dandy
12:32whilst balancing
12:33two pints of scythe
12:34on me head.
12:35None of you can do
12:35that now,
12:36can you?
12:54I don't know.
13:12I don't know.
13:42I don't know.
13:42He's missed.
13:44You're right.
13:45Nice shot, buddy. We're all dead.
13:47Wait, wait.
13:49Wait for what? You're way off.
13:51We're finished.
14:00Bless you, padre. How's little Tommy?
14:03He's pulled through. Be on his feet in no time, thanks to you and all that money you so generously
14:08donated.
14:09Now, padre, we agreed never to talk about that. It's a secret between you, me, and the big fella.
14:15But you saved that little boy's life.
14:17Tish, pashorn, nonsense, father. It's the surgeons. They're the chaps who deserve your praise.
14:23You're the one who kept that little boy alive. You gave that little orphan child a will to live.
14:28Sitting by his bedside day after day, night after night, holding his hand, reading him stories.
14:34You know me, chaplain. Any old excuse to get out of dinner with the admiral?
14:47What are you doing, lunchtime?
14:50Not sure. Why?
14:51Because if you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
14:56I'm sorry, Mellie. I don't fraternise with the staff.
14:59I resign.
14:59I'll be there at 1300.
15:01Don't forget the maraschino cherries.
15:04What a guy.
15:25What a team they'll make. The best of the best, working side by side for the good of the universe.
15:37Strange.
15:39Can I smell maple syrup?
15:46Any?
15:53I love fishing.
15:55The glow of the dawn, the line arcing into the water, netting with the quarry, and watching them slowly suffocate
16:01to death.
16:02Marvellous sport.
16:03Good luck, everybody. Here it comes!
16:08The salt on our table is something we all too often take for granted.
16:13And yet the history of salt is as old as civilisation itself.
16:18The ancient Egyptians were great believers in salt, using it both in cooking, medication, and the curious methods of taxidermy.
16:25Ramesses, Ramesses, the 13th of the wife, who is entirely made of salt, Ramesses, the 13th of the wife, who
16:30is entirely made of salt.
16:30I assume, sir, you are making fatuous references to his sexuality.
16:34If I may just point out...
16:35You may not, Crichton.
16:37Well, he's been out there 20 minutes now.
16:40I hope he's fallen off that ledge and impaled himself on a rusty spike.
16:45Oh, spotted shirt with nice stripy tie.
16:49Ah, penny round colours.
16:51Oh, poor cat.
16:53I fear for his sanity.
17:06Ready?
17:07I'll smoke him a smegging kipper.
17:15Now!
17:29What the...
17:40Hey, hey, hey.
17:42Nobody's rearranging my molecules.
17:44They stack this way for a reason.
17:47To make me the most awesome-looking guy in the universe.
17:50And it's my duty to protect that.
17:53Well, it's perfectly safe, sir.
17:55That's it?
17:56You hear?
17:57Rim is now 200,000 light-years away.
18:00Man, that's still too close.
18:11What now?
18:12Well, I suggest we start to run, sir.
18:15I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.
18:18Why?
18:19Because of them, sir.
18:22What are they?
18:23It's a pair of large, but on the whole, rather unconvincing dinosaurs, sir.
18:29Sir?
18:34Reach for the sky, boys.
18:36Thank you real much.
18:37Thank you now.
18:38Just a ticket and nice and easy.
18:40No funny business or a splash of your guts around like the communion wine.
18:43Well, great.
18:44Now, get moving.
18:44Thank you real much.
18:45Which way?
18:49That way.
18:51Who are these people?
18:52Well, if my ram serves me correctly, sir, the gentleman in these shades is Elvis Presley,
18:57a 20th century R&B singer of considerable repute.
19:00The other gentleman is a 16th century Pope, Gregory XIII, who was later canonized as Saint Gregory.
19:06Hey, zip of your lip or I shoot out your eyes and your mouth and turn your head into a
19:10bowling ball.
19:13He was canonized.
19:14What was he, the patron saint of GBH?
19:24Those guys are fiends.
19:26They instantly know your weak spots.
19:28As soon as they see me, they'll know they only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers
19:32and I'll sing like Tweety Pie.
19:34I don't know what they're going to do. They're Nazis. They couldn't do anything.
19:38Look, it turns into handbags.
19:40Well, there are worse ways to go.
19:42At least we know we can go out as matching accessories.
19:45I don't know who the other one is.
19:47Ashworth Puddin, the most hated, loathed and despised man of his era.
19:52In the end, even his friends, his own friends, turned against him.
19:55They tried to poison him, shoot him, hang him.
19:57Finally, they tied him in a weighted sack and threw him in the river.
20:01Well, that's not what you call true friends, is it?
20:03This machine, how does it work?
20:13This place is incredible, sir.
20:16There used to be over 10,000 wax droids here.
20:19Now there's barely a handful left.
20:21The whole complex covers nearly a hundred square miles.
20:24Oh, the Chamber of Horrors, situated on the eastern perimeter,
20:28features a full range of 20th century food.
20:31What a challenge.
20:33The greatest minds in military history against me.
20:37Let's pray they're up to it.
20:39Let's pray they're up to it.
20:42Let's pray they're up to it.
20:45Let's pray they're up to it.
20:47Let's pray they're up to it.
20:47Let's pray they're up to it.
20:47Let's pray they're up to it.
20:48Let's pray they're up to it.
20:48Let's pray they're up to it.
20:48Let's pray they're up to it.
20:49Let's pray they're up to it.
20:52Let's pray they're up to it.
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