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00:01Let's go!
00:02She has no recollection of the last eight years.
00:06I came here to help you!
00:07Kitchen Nightmares.
00:08Are you in and going Dutch?
00:12First guns I've seen on the base.
00:14All available now.
00:20This is it. This is the day.
00:22Phone's all set.
00:23Waiting for their call.
00:25What?
00:26They're not gonna call, sir.
00:27They're supposed to go by actions, not words, based on my resume.
00:30I should already be a general. You know that. I should already have my star.
00:32Colonel, you viciously insulted half the generals on the promotion board.
00:36In a leaked video, that would make Christian Bale blush.
00:37He had several valid points to make, as did I in my leaked rant.
00:41I know you love to achieve the impossible, but...
00:43Believing that you're gonna be promoted at this point?
00:45It's borderline delusional.
00:47Ha!
00:49Colonel Patrick Quinn?
00:50Big dog!
00:51It's Papa Ducas!
00:52My sandwich guy came through!
00:54A couple of us are going in on a six-foot sub.
00:57No knife.
00:58We're just lining up, taking turns chomping that thing.
01:01Tell me you're in!
01:02Why would I...
01:03Papa Ducas, I'm your commanding officer.
01:05We are not friends.
01:06No, we're not friends yet, because your generation is stupid.
01:09My generation is stupid?
01:10Emotionally.
01:11He's got a point.
01:11Your dumbest rocks emotionally is what I'm saying.
01:13Get off my phone!
01:14As I was saying, I just think it's important that we recognize that promotion requires a certain amount of glad
01:18-handing that you're unwilling to do.
01:20Mm-hmm.
01:20Okay.
01:22Colonel Quinn?
01:22I have an important call from the promotion board.
01:24Oh, yep.
01:25Oh, put it through.
01:26Oh, my God.
01:27What did I tell you?
01:27Colonel Patrick Quinn.
01:29Colonel!
01:29General Davidson here.
01:30Hello, General, sir.
01:31How are you today, sir?
01:33I have great news about your star.
01:35I can't wait to hear it, sir.
01:37You didn't get it.
01:39What?
01:40How would you know?
01:41You're not on the promotion board.
01:42Well, I got the inside scoop at one of General King's hunting trips.
01:46You know how those things go.
01:47No, I don't, actually.
01:48Right.
01:49Those trips are for stars only.
01:51So, here is the actual good news.
01:54I'm getting my second star.
01:57And here's the best part.
01:58I've decided to have my ceremony at Stroopstorf.
02:01What?
02:02You psyops guys.
02:04Never know when to stop twisting the knife, do you?
02:06Nonsense!
02:07I love Stroopstorf's cheese, and of course, you will also be there because that's where you are.
02:15You were right.
02:17This is rock bottom.
02:19Your generation only responds to in-person contact.
02:22So, I've ripped off the last two feet of this sub, and I want us to lady in the trumpet.
02:27That means you have to eat the other side.
02:28I know!
02:30I was wrong.
02:30Yeah.
02:31This is rock bottom.
02:53That is amazing news.
02:55Congrats!
02:57I'm so happy for you.
02:59Bye-bye.
03:00I am so happy for me!
03:02I just found out that Colonel Jack Lee is getting the promotion, and that's gonna transfer him
03:06to USAG Bavaria, which means he'll take Captain Jensen with him.
03:08And that means that there's an open spot at USAG Benelux, and Captain Perez has been gunning
03:13for a European transfer ever since she started her post in D.C.
03:15I'm mad and politely, but I need you to clarify.
03:18There will be an open post in Washington, D.C.
03:21That would mean, like, real networking opportunities for my political career.
03:25And it opens up in eight months, which lines up perfectly for my next promotion.
03:33You have a murder board for your career?
03:35All the victims are the ambitions of my enemies.
03:38I love you, girl, but this is the kind of crisis you can only share with me because nobody else
03:42would understand.
03:44Maggie!
03:45I heard about Colonel Lee going to Bavaria!
03:47D.C., you're so close now!
03:48I came to watch you connect the final string.
03:50Oh!
03:50Don't you mind if I do!
03:54Bada-bing, baby.
03:56Wait, why General King?
03:57He oversees all the transfers in and out of Europe, and he's going to be at General Davidson's promotion tomorrow,
04:02which means our girl is just inches away.
04:04I just need five minutes with him to prove I'm perfect for D.C.
04:09Please.
04:09You can do it in two.
04:11Oh, it's the colonel.
04:13He says, can we do something fun to General Davidson's dinner?
04:17Laxatives, question mark, from the colonel.
04:19Don't you love when boomers sign their texts?
04:21Well, wait.
04:22The colonel hates Davidson.
04:24He's going to ruin the whole party for you.
04:25I have got a plan to take him out night-night, colonel.
04:30You're going to kill your dad?
04:31No, I'm just going to convince him not to come to dinner.
04:34But have you thought about-
04:36Pills and a typed suicide note.
04:38Solid plan.
04:43Hey.
04:44Hey.
04:45You have a murder board, too.
04:47Yeah, except mine's closer to actual murder.
04:50I know.
04:50Tomorrow's probably going to be hard.
04:52Davidson getting his second star.
04:54You haven't gotten your first.
04:55I bet he butted him up on that hunting trip.
04:58I'm sure their camo blended well with all the pussy willows.
05:01It's a shame you can't make up an excuse and just skip the whole thing.
05:06Food poisoning or something.
05:07Then you'd have the night to yourself to just relax and do whatever it is that you do in your
05:14free time.
05:15Well, it's been a while since I made a knife.
05:17Sorry?
05:18When you stab a man with something that you made, it just means more.
05:22Well, yeah.
05:23I mean, that sounds like a great Saturday night.
05:25A little bit of wine, some knife stuff.
05:28But gotta do the right thing.
05:30Go celebrate the achievements of your worst enemy.
05:35You know what?
05:36Screw it.
05:37I'm not doing it.
05:38What?
05:38I'm gonna stay here and make myself a big-ass Rambo knife.
05:41What do you think of that?
05:43All right.
05:45Sergeant Conway, we are way over budget for this reception.
05:47A thousand dollars for an ice luge.
05:50Major Sean, we do things with quality and panache.
05:54And I'm not gonna let somebody so uptight mess that up.
05:56Okay, I'm not uptight.
05:57I just have very good posture.
05:58Because you gotta stick up your butt.
06:00You needs to get laid, brother!
06:02Okay, I don't take life advice from a drunk dude in an 80s teen comedy.
06:06He might be on to something.
06:07Mm-hmm.
06:08How long has it been?
06:08It's none of your business.
06:09Oh, so like two years?
06:11Okay, I don't have time to date, all right?
06:12I'm in the middle of negotiating a very complicated divorce across seven time zones and two continents.
06:16Between that and keeping you two in check, what are you doing?
06:20Oh, we gotta make sure it works.
06:23Okay, look, I'm not really a one-night-stand kind of guy.
06:25I have to connect with someone.
06:26Well, maybe you weren't a one-night-stand kind of guy,
06:28but aren't you always saying that Shrewdstorf is opening you up to new things?
06:31You know, I have been trying to serve myself more,
06:35and there's nothing more self-serving than meaningless sex.
06:38So, all right.
06:40Come on, guys.
06:41That's straight vodka.
06:43We got five here.
06:44We need six more in there, okay?
06:46Hey.
06:46Hey.
06:47Listen, I was thinking tomorrow we'd bail on that party, grab some ribs maybe,
06:50go back to my place, watch cops.
06:52Maybe I'll make you a knife.
06:54Ah, you know I love your knives.
06:55Yeah.
06:56Yeah, got enough of them already.
06:57I was actually thinking about, um, going to that party tomorrow night.
07:00Oh.
07:01Thinking it might be a nice opportunity for me to, um, to meet someone.
07:04Yes.
07:05And get over the thing.
07:06Get over the thing.
07:07Right.
07:07That's a great idea.
07:08You know, you-you sure you don't want to go?
07:10I mean, half the promotion board's gonna be there.
07:12I know.
07:12I'd rather eat glass.
07:13You know that.
07:14Look, I'm free tonight if you wanna just, like...
07:15You're fine.
07:16You go do your thing.
07:17I-I got plenty of work to do.
07:19Yeah.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Hey, Colonel.
07:22You're not gonna, like, uh, get drunk again and talk to Patton's gun, are you?
07:26Oh, God.
07:27I'm just half the time.
07:28I wasn't talking to the gun.
07:30I was talking to myself near the gun.
07:32I mean, it did sound like a conversation.
07:34Your cadence shifted.
07:35You did call it sir at one point.
07:37No, no, no, no.
07:38We're not talking to myself.
07:39Yeah.
07:39I call myself sir, because...
07:52You know, not every man gets to fulfill his destiny, sir.
07:57Thank God you're one of the ones who did.
08:04Fate will tap a man on the shoulder and point out what fork in the road he should take.
08:10And if he has the guts, he will take it.
08:14General George S. Patton.
08:17Holy crap.
08:19The gun does talk back.
08:22Love you too, sir.
08:30Listen, I'm definitely going to the store at dinner, okay?
08:33It's my destiny to be a general, and the only reason I'm not is because General King and
08:36those dopes, they think I'm too abrasive.
08:40No.
08:40Knock it off.
08:41And I was talking to this friend of mine, ex-military, and he said, you know what?
08:45You should just, you should just try to be nicer.
08:47You were talking to the gun again?
08:49You know what a better question is?
08:50Why are people spying on me when I'm at home in my private time?
08:53So listen, I'm thinking, I go to the dinner and I charm General King, right?
08:57And then he invites me on one of the hunting trips and I charm him there, I'm going to get
09:01my star.
09:01Now the problem is, I will need to be...
09:05I don't even want to say this, because it'll make me gag.
09:09I need...
09:09To be nice to him at a party?
09:11Yeah, and I don't know how to do that, so I need your help.
09:14Me.
09:14People think you're really nice.
09:16I am actually nice.
09:17I know.
09:17Come on.
09:20Having a general as a father could be very good for my political career.
09:23Be huge.
09:25I am in.
09:26I will do it.
09:27I will...
09:29My fair lady, you.
09:31Except, you're not turning me into Audrey Hepburn, you're making me less of a dick.
09:35Yeah.
09:36Great.
09:37All right.
09:38It would be easier to turn you into Audrey Hepburn.
09:41Colonel, if either of us wants to advance our careers tonight, has to go well.
09:45And the key to that for both of us is General King.
09:48He's such a two-faced weasel, this guy.
09:50And all the other colonels are always sucking up to him because they want their stars.
09:53Their noses are browner than a UPS truck.
09:56Well, what can Brown do for you?
09:58Make you a general.
09:59That's what.
10:01August.
10:02Gus King, the picture of a devoted family man.
10:05Father of five daughters and a Siberian Husky named Dan Marino.
10:10After his favorite player on his favorite team, big Miami Dolphins fan.
10:13I can't be friends with a guy who's a Finns fan.
10:16Which is why you will practice by befriending a man you hate most.
10:21Hello?
10:22No.
10:23Much like a sprinter training with leg weights, if you can suck up to Jan, then everything else will seem
10:28easy.
10:28Plus, he's also a family man.
10:30Now, you're gonna find common ground with Jan.
10:34Jan loves his family like King loves his family.
10:37You could talk about how you love your family.
10:42Shouldn't be hard.
10:42I love my family.
10:44To him.
10:45I love my family.
10:46Certain members at certain times.
10:49I've got the same kink.
10:50Me and Renata, we have this wheel we take turns spinning and it determines the intensity of our love.
10:56And Colonel, sometimes it gets very intense.
11:00I'm not engaging with Siggy Starduch, okay?
11:03Okay.
11:03Why are you roasting him?
11:04I'm not.
11:05It's like you have insult comic Tourette's.
11:07No, I'm just impulsively honest.
11:09Okay.
11:10It's one of my things that I've always...
11:11This...
11:12God, the top of your head is so oddly shaped.
11:14We should have kept that helmet on you when you were a baby.
11:16But no, your mother said no.
11:27Major Shaw, you look good.
11:30We scouted the room and we found you, an exo who wants to sex it.
11:36What?
11:37Hey.
11:38She's smart, funny.
11:39All right, look, I haven't had a woman in a decade.
11:41I don't know what I'm doing.
11:43What if everything's changed?
11:44Nothing's changed.
11:45It's just natural human interaction.
11:47You'll be fine.
11:48Just be yourself.
11:49Got this.
11:50Get out of here.
11:50Yeah, go be yourself.
11:51Okay, okay.
11:52Be all you can be.
11:53All right.
11:53Got it.
11:54Hey, Gus.
11:55I need you.
11:56Hi.
11:57I'm Major Abraham Shaw.
11:58Okay, squad.
11:59The Colonel has learned absolutely nothing and we are completely out of time.
12:02So, Papadakis, you're on damage control for any conversational disaster.
12:06Conway, you are on Davidson duty.
12:08He will not stop until he embarrasses my dad and I can't have that, okay?
12:12So keep them apart at all costs.
12:14Let's trick everyone into thinking my dad is not a monster, okay?
12:18I've said that too many times in my life.
12:22Ever since I've been here in the Netherlands, it's like my brain is quiet enough to open
12:28up to new experiences.
12:30You're not the guy I thought you were going to be.
12:32Okay, so you've been thinking about me.
12:33Yeah, I've been following your career for a while.
12:36You've been following me?
12:37And you're even more handsome in person.
12:40I don't normally do this, but maybe we could get out of here.
12:45Isn't your office close by?
12:48Yeah.
12:58I'm ready.
13:01Okay.
13:02Game time.
13:03Yep.
13:03There is King.
13:04Okay, he's talking to General Scott and his wife.
13:07Please remember that both of our careers depend on you not blowing this.
13:10I know, I know.
13:12Here I go.
13:13Okay.
13:14General King, I hear you're one of those guys who loves his family, huh?
13:18I may have made a huge mistake.
13:22Conway.
13:23Conway!
13:25Oh, General, I have a question that only you can answer.
13:29Is that right?
13:30Yeah, I just need you to answer right over here.
13:34Yeah, so all five daughters want to be actresses.
13:36That's so lucky.
13:38Oh, we're very proud.
13:39How's Marino doing?
13:39Is he still chasing cars like old Danny Boy was chasing Super Bowl rings?
13:44What?
13:45My little Marino died three days ago.
13:49Oh.
13:49He died right in my arm.
13:51Oh, man.
13:52I, um...
13:55That's tough, man.
13:56Corporal, get over there.
13:59Oh.
14:00Hey.
14:00What?
14:01You're crying.
14:02You okay, man?
14:03You okay, brother?
14:04Hey.
14:05Corporal Ice Papadakis.
14:07Is this some sort of prank?
14:08It is a prank.
14:09Could you imagine if he was in the U.S. Army?
14:11Come on.
14:12No.
14:12Never.
14:13He's a...
14:14A galoot.
14:15Galoot.
14:16Great word.
14:17I am in the Army.
14:17I'm a cyberwarrior.
14:20I thought it would cheer you up.
14:22Oh, Colonel.
14:23This is just what I needed to take my mind off Marino.
14:25Maybe Davidson was wrong about you.
14:27He was wrong about me.
14:28Cyberwarrior.
14:29I know, right?
14:30Yeah, ma'am.
14:37Yeah.
14:38Not so hot.
14:39What?
14:43Colonel O'Connor.
14:45What is happening?
14:46Who tied you up?
14:47She did.
14:48I'm with her.
14:49No, no, no, no.
14:49I'm with her.
14:50Actually, you're both with me.
14:51I told you I was into stuff.
14:53This is the stuff?
14:54Major Clark and I are married.
14:55We like to keep things spicy.
14:58Now, before we get going, let's talk boundaries and comfort levels.
15:01I'm not comfortable with any of this.
15:02You said you were open to new experiences.
15:05I meant like cold plunges and savory pancakes that are huge but thin.
15:08I wish you would have told me you were a prude.
15:10I'm not a prude.
15:11Okay, the line can't be this and then prude.
15:13There's got to be something in between vanilla sex and a devil's three-way.
15:16Relax.
15:17I just watch.
15:19Unless you want to blindfold me.
15:20I didn't want to do that.
15:21Honestly, theater of the mind is even better.
15:23So I will be much louder.
15:25Okay, I'm really sorry but this is just too weird for me.
15:28Kink shame much?
15:29Of all the times I've been tied to a chair, I've never felt this respected.
15:33Until now.
15:35Okay, Colonel.
15:36You're my commanding officer?
15:37I know.
15:38That's what makes it hot.
15:43You giving up so early?
15:45Yeah, because you told me that nothing has changed but everything has changed.
15:48I put my toe into the dating pool and it'll never be the same.
15:51Is two-person sex over?
15:53I don't know.
15:53I've never done it.
15:54What?
15:55Sir.
15:56Sorry to interrupt but I know you're in charge of transfers in and out of Europe so I wanted
16:01to-
16:01Let me stop you there, Captain.
16:02With the second star, that's General Davidson's job now.
16:05Right.
16:05Excuse me.
16:06There you are, Colonel.
16:08Hey, General.
16:10Sergeant Conway was trying to keep me away from you.
16:14Your distractions won't work on me.
16:16I didn't come here for cheese.
16:17I came here to embarrass you.
16:19What else could I do for you?
16:21Something humiliating.
16:22I want you to personally present my second star.
16:25Let's see how you do up on stage with no one to protect you from being you.
16:31Okay.
16:33Well, it's a good thing you didn't make that knife.
16:35Oh, I think I could put something together on the quick.
16:39Yeah.
16:48Hey.
16:49Davidson is more triggering to you than the word triggering is.
16:52I should just kiss DC goodbye, right?
16:55Because there's no chance you go out there and not insult him.
16:59I'm going to insult somebody and he's in the splash zone, so.
17:03I have someone for you to insult.
17:05Who?
17:05You.
17:06What do you mean?
17:06Self-deprecation.
17:07I mean, people love when I make fun of myself.
17:10What would I make fun of?
17:12Okay.
17:13Try to think about how much you want to be General.
17:16Got it.
17:22All right.
17:23There are so many things I could say about General Davidson.
17:29So many things.
17:33But, uh, let me start by saying thank you, General Davidson, for inviting me to do this.
17:39Because this is the closest I'm ever going to get to a star.
17:44You know, I've been a colonel for over a decade now, which means I've been passed over more than the
17:49New York Jets secondary.
17:52I'd shoot myself, but there's no guns on this base.
17:56It's true.
17:57It's true.
17:58But I think General Davidson, I should just pin these things on you now.
18:02Because, let's face it, this is the closest I'm going to get to enemy action ever.
18:10Whoo!
18:17I will make sure this is the last smile you ever have on this base.
18:21Okay, you miserable SOB.
18:23Mm-hmm.
18:24Colonel.
18:24Yes.
18:25Are you a hunting man?
18:26I am indeed, sir.
18:30General Davidson, may I have a word?
18:32I assume your father's speech was your doing?
18:36Um...
18:36Impressive.
18:38Uh, sir, I know Perez is leaving the post in D.C.
18:44I want the job.
18:45You have a mind for politics?
18:47Are you sure you're a Quinn?
18:49Trust me, I have been begging for a DNA test every Christmas.
18:52You know, when I sent your father here, the last thing I expected from him was change.
18:57I underestimated... you.
19:00Your name will be at the top of the list.
19:02And maybe you should just keep your eye out for apartments in D.C.?
19:08General, I've got a couple, uh, I want you to meet here.
19:11And celebrate.
19:12Ah, we're all proud of you.
19:19Colonel, what's your game?
19:21Duck?
19:22Boar?
19:23Turkey?
19:23Depends.
19:24Are we talking hunting or Davidson's ex-wives?
19:28Are we sure we want to invite him on the trip?
19:30Ah, he wouldn't be any worse than your wet blanket nephew you made us bring along last year.
19:34He spent the whole weekend filming his food.
19:36Well, he's an idiot.
19:36And my sister's up my butt to help him out, so I am going to give him Perez's old job
19:41in D.C.
19:42Wait, wasn't that, uh, a position that Captain Quinn was gonna be up for?
19:47The job's been off the table for months.
19:49Any suggestion otherwise was just politics.
19:51Captain Quinn may be talented, but why create an enemy when you can just disappoint a friend?
19:58Well, I think Captain Quinn actually will end up in D.C.
20:01Because she's got more courage and integrity than all you numbnuts put together.
20:07Excuse me?
20:08Yeah, you know what?
20:09General King, the reason Marino never won a ring is because he had the pocket presence of a sloth.
20:14And General Davidson, you're worse than all these pendulous boobs. You know why?
20:18They're idiots. They can't help it. You're just pretending to be one.
20:21All the nerves.
20:22You're not coming hunting!
20:23Fine!
20:24I don't shoot at anything they can't shoot back.
20:30Hey.
20:30Hey.
20:31Did you hear that?
20:32Yeah.
20:33Oh.
20:34Had to make sure you weren't messing things up for us.
20:36No, I kinda did.
20:39Yeah, but not in the way I thought you would.
20:40Hmm?
20:42Well, you're probably upset about the D.C. thing, right?
20:45Yeah, but don't worry. Davidson and them can't stop me if they try.
20:48Yeah.
20:49It sounded like you stood up for me in there.
20:52Well, it was mostly an attack of insult comic Tourette's.
20:56Oh.
20:57Yeah.
20:58It wasn't you being nice?
20:59It sounds to me like your oddly shaped head might be affecting your brain.
21:04Sounds to me like I successfully My Fair Lady'd you.
21:07Hmm.
21:08Good night, Audrey.
21:17You know, I think you're supposed to put the rum on the cake.
21:21Not if you're trying to get hammered.
21:23You didn't get D.C.?
21:24No.
21:27Davidson lied to my face about it.
21:28You want some?
21:29Uh, yeah.
21:30You got a fork?
21:31No, this is a Stroopstorf special.
21:33A Stroopstorf special.
21:34Yeah, no fork.
21:34Hand cake.
21:35Hand cake?
21:36Wow.
21:36You just get right in there with that thing.
21:38Mm-hmm.
21:40It's pretty good.
21:41I didn't want to get in my uniform.
21:42Yeah, that would be sad.
21:47It's going so well!
21:48Wow!
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