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00:12Transcrição e Legendas por Quintena Coelho
00:31Hello! Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:34My name's Greg Davis, I am your judge, and you are in clown court.
00:38I shall review crimes against entertainment
00:41that five comedians carried out over many months and pass judgment.
00:44As the Samoan hip-hop crew Booyah Tribe once so wisely said,
00:48Death Row, my bro, had to go. Life was too slow.
00:52For the winner, a pardon, and a life of television freedom
00:55with my beautiful golden trophy.
00:57For the losers, well, I guess it's back to teaching or whatever.
01:02Let's meet our comedy convicts.
01:04The usual suspects are...
01:06Charlotte Ritchie!
01:08Jamali Maddox!
01:09Lee Mack!
01:11Mike Wozniak!
01:13And Sarah Pengu!
01:14And to my left, a man whose wife once told me
01:18she keeps a pocketful of treats to reward him
01:20when he remembers to do toilet outside.
01:23It's a little Alex Horne!
01:27Hi, guys.
01:29I think you'll be pleased with me today.
01:31I doubt it.
01:32I've prepared something for you.
01:33I've invented a new snack.
01:35Yeah.
01:35Which I think you'll like.
01:36It's called a brown bar.
01:39Look at that.
01:41It's got all your favourite things.
01:42Do you want me to break it open?
01:42You can see the layers.
01:43Yep.
01:44OK.
01:46So it's a layer of chocolate,
01:47then it's biscuit,
01:48there's a massive slab of butter,
01:50salami and ganache.
01:52Salami?
01:52Salami and ganache.
01:54OK.
01:55Would you like what you're trying to say?
01:56No, I wouldn't, actually,
01:57but I'd like you to.
01:58I'll taste it for you.
01:59Yeah.
01:59Don't you want to eat the bit with a lot in it, though,
02:01because right now he's eating it out of shell of chocolate.
02:02Sorry, Jamali,
02:03just so you know,
02:05he's going to eat it all.
02:06Oh, OK.
02:08That's about fire, doesn't it?
02:09I won't start the show
02:10until you've eaten all of that.
02:11The deal was I was going to try a little bit.
02:13Yes.
02:14Pop it all back,
02:15otherwise I won't start the show.
02:18Oh, you're nice.
02:19Oh, good boy.
02:21He's popping it.
02:21It's so buttery.
02:23Yeah.
02:23In a good way.
02:24No.
02:26There you go.
02:28Oh, good boy.
02:32Let's have the prize test, shall we?
02:34Salami, boy.
02:36What are we waiting for?
02:37Oh, God, it is sickening, isn't it?
02:39Oh, it's sick.
02:41OK, I'm all good.
02:43And this week's category is
02:44the best thing you can operate with your hand.
02:47Ooh.
02:47Greg will listen, have a think,
02:49and then judge who's done best
02:50in his firm, subtle, and muscular way.
02:53Five large points will go to the person
02:55that brought in the best thing
02:56that you can operate with your hand,
02:57and then at the end of the episode,
02:58the person with the most points
02:59will take home five things they can operate manually
03:01and try very hard to avoid an RSI.
03:04OK, Lee, what's the best thing you've brought in
03:06that you can operate with your hand?
03:07Well, I'm sat on it,
03:09because I figured there's no way to explain it,
03:11you have to demonstrate it.
03:13The good old-fashioned swanny whistle.
03:15I've got a picture of it,
03:16but we can't see it in your hand.
03:18Oh, yeah, very similar to the one I've got in my hand.
03:19And it's just guaranteed to make
03:21every awkward situation more light-hearted.
03:24So, Alex, if we were talking,
03:26could you stand up, please?
03:27And then if you could drop something on the floor,
03:31and now you've got to bend down,
03:32and I would get this out,
03:33you'd pick it up,
03:33and I'd go,
03:34BELL RINGS
03:34And then, no, no, stay down.
03:37Stay down.
03:37And then pick it up.
03:39BELL RINGS
03:40It's guaranteed...
03:41I've done it in rows.
03:42I've used it in rows when my wife is talking.
03:44It's like,
03:44you should be picking this up, not me.
03:46She'll bend down.
03:47BELL RINGS
03:48It makes every situation better.
03:50You know what, Lee?
03:51This is far more entertaining than I imagined.
03:53Hold on.
03:54Charlotte, can you beat Lee's, er...
03:57No.
03:58Whistle?
03:58The thing that I think is best, er, is my drill.
04:02Er...
04:02Now, should we move on?
04:04No.
04:05Go on.
04:06It is no drill.
04:07You can screw things in,
04:08you can unscrew things,
04:10you can drill things in,
04:11you can drill other things in.
04:13You can't just bring household items in.
04:15I genuinely thought that's...
04:16And say, this is the thing, I like the drill.
04:18It's an absolute outrage.
04:20It is a good thing that you can operate with your hand.
04:22I agree.
04:22I think that's a great thing.
04:24OK, well, if that's what you all think,
04:25I'll give Charlotte five points.
04:26It's absolutely true.
04:27Yes, absolutely.
04:28Five points.
04:29Perhaps some people in here have learned a lesson.
04:31Who's next?
04:32Tamali?
04:33I hand-made from repurposed materials,
04:37like, er, CD players and stuff,
04:39I made, er, a tattoo gun.
04:41There it is.
04:42Oh, wow!
04:42Wow!
04:43So, I made that myself,
04:44so that's, like, wires to the battery.
04:45I've repurposed a pen.
04:47I used a toothbrush as the bar.
04:49I can confirm it's a fully working tattoo.
04:51It does...
04:51Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've done it myself.
04:53What did you do?
04:54You tattooed yourself?
04:54Yeah, it's on my fire,
04:55I can't pull down my...
04:56What is it?
04:57But, er...
04:57You could, he's got a swanny whistle.
05:01You have to say,
05:01we can't endorse this
05:02or encourage people to make tattoo guns
05:04because it's dangerous.
05:05I'm genuinely impressed.
05:06You should have just used Charlotte's method
05:07and just brought in a spoon.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:11Mike?
05:12I've brought a thumb,
05:13which has got universal uses
05:17for buttons, switches.
05:19Here is Mike's thumb.
05:20Additional thumb.
05:21It's not an additional thumb, is it?
05:22If you've already got a thumb,
05:23you can put it on top of your thumb.
05:24If you don't have a thumb,
05:25you can put it there instead of your thumb.
05:26But it's a thumb sheath, really, isn't it?
05:28Well, it's a thumb.
05:29It's a, you know,
05:30sure, one man's thumb sheath
05:32is another person's thumb.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:36So, Aristotle said that.
05:37I think so.
05:39Outside of popping it over an existing thumb,
05:41can you tell me what you could use it for?
05:44Buying some braces.
05:45Right.
05:45If you've got a swanny whistler
05:47as a mate going about,
05:48you could be in your braces,
05:49you'd do this.
05:50You've only got two thumbs to do that.
05:52OK.
05:53Famously, of course,
05:54it's used for magic illusions
05:55and if I was to win today,
05:56I would get on stage
05:56and I would demonstrate it.
05:57Thank you, Lee.
05:58Entertainment.
05:59Honest to God,
06:00I want to give that man all your points.
06:01I wouldn't contest that.
06:03One left, right?
06:03Seven.
06:06So, I always wanted to learn the bass
06:09and I started playing the bass
06:10in August.
06:11Is it sore when you're doing the old...
06:13Slap at the bass?
06:14Yes, it gets incredibly painful.
06:17I used to find that, yeah, as well.
06:18Oh, really?
06:19And what did you find was the best?
06:20Well, I've got something else.
06:21I'll show you later.
06:22Thanks, Mike.
06:23I'd appreciate that.
06:24So, she has submitted her genuine bass guitar
06:26and it looks like this.
06:28Oh, nice.
06:29Thanks.
06:29Do you ever whip it out
06:31over your shoulder
06:32and then say out loud?
06:34Let's take this dog for a walk.
06:38I think I'm going to now.
06:40You need to.
06:41Yeah.
06:41Points then, Greg, please.
06:43I'm sorry,
06:43even though I rashly said
06:45I was going to give her five points,
06:46I'm not.
06:47Ah.
06:47You can't swan in here with a drill
06:49and go,
06:49that'll do.
06:50No, one point, Charlotte.
06:51Now, two points go to Sarah's bass.
06:55Ooh.
06:56Didn't see that coming.
06:57Three points, unbelievably,
06:58for Mike's thumb.
06:59For a little tiny bit of plastic,
07:00gets three points.
07:01Yeah, but I didn't realise there's so many uses.
07:03OK.
07:03Now we're up to the real money points here.
07:05It's Jamali or Lee.
07:06I'm going to give it Ingenuity.
07:09Five points.
07:10Four points to, uh...
07:11The old fella with this rolly whistle.
07:13To old Vauderville over there.
07:15Five points to Jamali Maddox.
07:16Yeah, there it is.
07:18OK, we're off.
07:19We are indeed.
07:20And this task is all about my favourite film.
07:23Cling.
07:36Hello, Charlotte.
07:38Hiya.
07:39Is that how you walk?
07:41Yes.
07:42Like that.
07:43And then you stop.
07:44When you get to an object.
07:45Yep.
07:48I don't like the look of this.
07:49There's tape or there's cellophane.
07:54Cover your lower half in biodegradable cling film.
07:58And gaffer tape so that no part of your lower half
08:00isn't covered in biodegradable cling film and gaffer tape.
08:03Can I just use one?
08:05But it's and.
08:07Your time starts now.
08:08Did you have to put, like, biodegradable for...
08:11Yes, just so people know,
08:12this programme is very responsible
08:13and we don't waste anything.
08:15OK.
08:16Very responsible programme, this.
08:17So, covered completely with biodegradable cling film and gaffer tape.
08:22It says cover your lower half in biodegradable cling film and gaffer tape.
08:25OK.
08:26Remember those words.
08:28OK.
08:28Well, first we're going to see eight of our ten legs being covered.
08:32Off we go.
08:34The slight concern is the phrasing.
08:37Literally every bit of me in cling film
08:39and also literally every bit of me in gaffer tape.
08:43That's my concern.
08:44Does it have to be in equal proportions?
08:45All the information is on the tasks.
08:49Oh, it's not pleasant.
08:51I genuinely feel like I've done this before.
08:56Oh, you see, that's the problem, isn't it?
08:57What's that?
08:58Because I can't get down to the bottom now.
09:00He knew it was going to be the fate that was so difficult.
09:02Oh!
09:03Oh, like a pencil skirt.
09:06Oh!
09:08I've never been especially bendy.
09:11See, I'm doing it properly because I know you're going to say
09:12I can spot a tiny shoelace.
09:15And if anyone else does this quicker than me
09:16and I see so much as a tiny gap,
09:19I'll be on you like a shot.
09:21Starting at the feet this time.
09:24In the absence of bendiness,
09:26I need to do something else.
09:27Oh, curses.
09:30Under we go.
09:34Right, so now, cling film.
09:36Well, I was imagining it was cling film and gaffer tape
09:38as a combination.
09:39You don't have to do...
09:40No, no, don't tell me that now.
09:41It says every part of your body
09:43has to be covered with cling film and gaffer tape.
09:46If some of it's cling film, some of it's gaffer tape,
09:48that is not what that says.
09:49So, if the others do that,
09:51I'm telling you now,
09:52I'm going to be kicking off in the studio.
09:54Right.
09:56Finished?
09:56Yeah.
09:57Great.
10:05OK, uh-oh.
10:07OK.
10:09Oh, God.
10:10It's not a two-parter, is it?
10:12I feel like a mermaid.
10:13There we go, then.
10:14No!
10:17Good luck.
10:19Oh, no.
10:21Don't tell me there's anything else.
10:22I'll kill you if there's anything else.
10:24There's the task.
10:25Thank you, Lee.
10:25Good luck.
10:26Oh, you bastard.
10:29Put on the captain's hat.
10:31Put on the captain's hat.
10:34Your lower half must be completely covered
10:36in biodegradable cling film and gaffer tape
10:37when you're wearing the captain's hat.
10:39Fastest whinge and time starts now.
10:41Captain's hat.
10:44Where's that hat, then?
10:50Wow.
10:51Most aesthetically pleasing was yours.
10:53Oh, you like that?
10:55Yeah.
10:55Cos I was thinking I preferred the block colour
10:56that Mike went for.
10:57It was a lot more flattering.
10:58No, no.
10:59Cos as soon as I heard it, I thought,
11:01I hope that they don't totally cover themselves
11:03in cling film and gaffer tape.
11:05Right.
11:05I hope that they mix and match it creatively.
11:07Yeah.
11:08With a nice pattern.
11:09Oh, that's all right.
11:09What are you talking about?
11:10I don't know.
11:11Reading back.
11:12Reading back.
11:13Cover your lower half
11:15in biodegradable cling film and gaffer tape.
11:17What's the middle word?
11:18Oh, there's an and.
11:18And.
11:19And.
11:19I mean, her legs were completely covered
11:21with cling film and gaffer tape.
11:22If I said completely eat your chips and your beans.
11:24Would you eat them all?
11:25I didn't expect people to completely cover it with both,
11:28but I can see.
11:28Well, then why have both?
11:29What do you say?
11:30Why?
11:31Don't have thinking time.
11:32By the way, I didn't hear you.
11:33Why am I not allowed thinking time suddenly?
11:35Answer me!
11:37Give me the logic.
11:39I'd say the wording's always open to interpretation.
11:41Mike interpreted it exactly the same way as you.
11:44Um, Charlotte.
11:46Yeah.
11:46You said, um, I feel like I've done this before
11:48and I was fascinated by that.
11:49Yes, me too.
11:50As soon as the cling film went round,
11:51I was like,
11:52OK, yeah.
11:53This feels, this feels right.
11:55And it feels familiar.
11:57Jamali has been separated from the back, I see.
12:00Do you want to see Jamali?
12:01Yes, please.
12:02Here he is.
12:15I'm happy with that.
12:17OK.
12:21That's clever.
12:22It didn't even occur to me to...
12:24It didn't occur to one other person
12:26that you could make yourself some trousers out of that.
12:28Jamali, I'm incredibly impressed.
12:30Yeah.
12:30We haven't actually reached the meat of the task yet,
12:33so we don't know who's done best.
12:34No.
12:34None of this was really relevant
12:36unless you're banning people
12:37for not being entirely covered in both.
12:39So, in other words, it's very relevant.
12:42Ready for the next one?
12:44Here we go!
12:46Captain's head.
12:48Where is the captain's head?
13:00I've stopped the clock.
13:07I've stopped the clock.
13:08It's not in that plane, is it?
13:09I presume it was on the plane.
13:11It is on the plane.
13:12Oh, there it is.
13:18Does it fit?
13:19No.
13:20Inside the plane?
13:22No.
13:23Is it on the plane?
13:24It's on the plane.
13:25Oh, there it is.
13:31I've stopped the clock.
13:32Thank you.
13:36Thank you, Lee.
13:36Don't thank you, Lee.
13:38Come over here and check it.
13:39Yes, you're completely covered with...
13:41Completely covered in both,
13:42in every bit.
13:42So, every bit is covered by both.
13:44All right.
13:48I'm a walk away with respect.
13:49Yes, you are.
13:51Wait, I'm going to try this.
13:58Can you do a 360 spin?
14:00I'll try.
14:02Shut his up!
14:08Incredible scenes.
14:09I mean, what's going on, Mike?
14:12You look comfortable being taped up like that.
14:14Yeah.
14:14And then you're asked to spin around.
14:16Perfectly reasonable request from my colleague.
14:17Yeah.
14:18And as you fall, you just naturally say,
14:20Shiza.
14:22I was trying to, generally speaking, avoid potty mouth.
14:25Yeah.
14:25But when you're doing a 360 and your gaffer taped up,
14:27these things slip out.
14:30Lovely.
14:31You, um, weren't asked to, uh, roll around on the floor.
14:34Oh.
14:34OK.
14:35Yeah, when I watched that, I thought,
14:37well, someone must have instructed me to do that.
14:38I think you all had fun with it.
14:40So, are you going to?
14:41Yeah, I enjoyed it.
14:41You just had a bit of fun with it.
14:43Lee, I don't know whether you were having fun.
14:45Yeah, I'm, uh...
14:46Got to you.
14:46So, if I had to wrap myself in just cling film
14:48and just taken a little bit of tape off
14:49and stuck it on my knee, that would have counted.
14:50That was the right idea.
14:51That was the right idea.
14:52That'd be amazing.
14:53You probably did that way quicker than you did it.
14:57The only person to come out of this whole thing,
14:58with any respect, is Jamali.
15:00Jamali Maddox was the fastest
15:01with his one-legged-at-a-time system.
15:03Fair play, though.
15:03He put the hat on in 40 seconds.
15:05Just one second slower was Sarah,
15:07in second place with 41 seconds.
15:09Charlotte, one minute five.
15:11Mike, one minute six, which is impressive,
15:12considering he really did wrap up his legs.
15:15Lee, two minutes exactly.
15:16That's a lesson for the kids, isn't it?
15:18About obeying rules.
15:19Yeah.
15:20Don't bother.
15:23So, Jamali Maddox gets five points.
15:25Yay!
15:27I'd like a scoreboard, please, just before Lee attacks me.
15:32Here are the scores.
15:33Charlotte is at the bottom of the table with four points.
15:35Oh.
15:35With a maximum ten points at the moment, it's Jamali Maddox.
15:38There it is.
15:40Let's have a lovely new task, please.
15:42Healthy lead.
15:43OK, then, next up is this.
15:57Oh, hello.
16:00Hi, Alex.
16:02Wow.
16:05Hi.
16:05Oh, wow.
16:06Yeah?
16:07If you want.
16:08I like.
16:10Oh, hi, Lee.
16:12Hi, Jamali.
16:13How you doing, man?
16:14I'm good, thank you.
16:15How are you?
16:15Yeah.
16:17I don't know if I'm pulling off the hat, but...
16:20Are you ready?
16:21I am ready, yes.
16:22Here we go.
16:28Oh, cool.
16:30Oh, look.
16:33Er...
16:33Oh, hello.
16:35Oh, right.
16:36Very nice.
16:38You excited?
16:39Yeah.
16:40Yeah.
16:43How are things?
16:44Oh, at home?
16:45Yeah.
16:46It's OK, no.
16:47Good to hear.
16:50You?
16:50Yeah.
16:51You know.
16:52Oh!
16:55It was nice.
16:55That was nice.
16:56That was very slick.
16:58You sort of distracted me with your peril home life.
17:02Did you ever see My Girl?
17:03It was this really sweet kids film.
17:05Yeah.
17:06And you get stung by a bee and dies.
17:08Oh.
17:10Make the best uniform for this bee.
17:13Make the best uniform for this bee.
17:15When they made me put this on, I was tucking everything in.
17:19And I mean everything.
17:20Thinking, someone's going to get me.
17:23And it's that.
17:24I've been on the desert connoisseur.
17:26I don't even need this.
17:27You must wear your beekeeping outfit throughout the task.
17:31You have five minutes to order five items.
17:33Then 15 minutes to make the uniform.
17:35Your time starts now.
17:37Five minutes to order five items.
17:39For this bee.
17:39Yes, please.
17:42OK, I think I know what I want.
17:43OK.
17:44Uh, white cloth.
17:46White felt, please.
17:48Netting.
17:48A little bit of mesh.
17:50White tack.
17:51White material.
17:52Uh, something to make a tiny sword.
17:55I'm going to need more information than that.
17:56Uh, so, uh, a short length of, uh, something grey or silver.
18:02OK, you're going to need to be more specific.
18:04A pea, a frozen pea, a Stanley knife and some Tipex.
18:10Polo mints.
18:11Small motorbike.
18:12Some sand or something, something akin to it, yes.
18:15No, it's not all something.
18:15Right, yeah, so yes then, please.
18:17And I also have, like, a cold drink.
18:20What type of drink?
18:21It's like a cold beer.
18:23That'd be great, no?
18:24I think that's going to be enough.
18:26I'll see you later on.
18:27Bye, honey.
18:30Lovely.
18:31Um, I, I've got much to say.
18:33Um, we went through quite a journey initially.
18:35Um, Mike came in first and I genuinely thought
18:38Mike's decided to wear a beekeeper's costume today.
18:42Then there was some youthful exuberance
18:44from our two young people.
18:46Jamali, it's the first time I've seen you genuinely happy.
18:48But then Sarah brought us back down to earth
18:51by associating bees with the death of a child.
18:55Michael, remember that absurd twist in the plot?
18:58And it comes out of nowhere.
18:59Well, that's life, isn't it?
19:00That is life.
19:01Mercifully, we know that, uh, all five of you survived.
19:04So let's have a look at your bee uniforms.
19:06We're going to see Jamali, Sarah and Charlotte,
19:08first of all, taking part in our sewing bee.
19:14Hey, what's up?
19:16I've been to the shops.
19:17Okay.
19:18And your 15 minutes starts now.
19:20I just have to make a beekeeper's outfit for my bee, right?
19:23Well, you have to make a uniform.
19:24You've chosen beekeepers.
19:26Oh.
19:27Did you think you had to make a beekeeping uniform?
19:29Yeah.
19:30Ah, I thought you chose to make a beekeeping uniform.
19:32No.
19:33Isn't that interesting?
19:37I'm such a dumb prick.
19:41Gloves have got to stay on, have they?
19:42I have to keep the gloves on, right?
19:44All the information's in the task.
19:45Oh, okay.
19:46All right, here we go.
19:47Okay.
19:50So you're trying to thread a mint?
19:51Yeah, what's good is that the net sort of
19:54distorts your vision quite a lot.
19:56It hasn't stuck.
19:58All right, okay.
19:58I'm just going to staple the bee.
20:00It's not a real bee.
20:02I don't know why I thought this was going to be mad easy.
20:05Oh, sorry, sir.
20:07For dropping you.
20:08Can you thread this in for me?
20:10No.
20:15Oh.
20:17It's going quite well, isn't it, for a bit?
20:18It was.
20:19It's these dang gloves.
20:20It's impossible to put the thread through that hole.
20:23Right.
20:24I'm just going to spend five minutes doing this,
20:27and then I'll have a luxury five minutes to do the task.
20:30Oh, look at that.
20:32Okay.
20:34Six minutes left.
20:36Oh, fuck it.
20:37I'm going to change tactics.
20:38I'm just going to really fill it with glue, like that.
20:43She dunked his whole head in a bucket of glue.
20:48Oh, didn't make space for the wings.
20:51That's honestly tailoring 101 when you're tailoring for a bee.
20:56You're a big fan of movies?
20:57Yes.
20:58Well, this is a nice little movie one for you.
21:00Oh, really?
21:00Yeah.
21:04What does a lasso look like?
21:06Um, okay, he's unfurled the lasso because he's going, do you know what?
21:12I'm going to stop hitting my workers.
21:16You know what that is?
21:17Is it from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
21:18You know the film where the guy gets visited by all the different ghosts?
21:23Oh, Scrooge.
21:24Yes.
21:24What was the netting for?
21:26I was going to make a beekeeper outfit, but then I gave up.
21:29I thought you were going to make a beekeeper outfit.
21:30Yeah, I was.
21:31I was intending on making a tiny beekeeper's outfit with this and go over his head like that.
21:36But right now it's the Pope.
21:43Really great.
21:44I'd like to dig down into the narrative of your character.
21:47Yeah.
21:48What is he?
21:48I think it was a sort of draconian commandant of a bee colony.
21:53And the whip is there to keep the workers in line.
21:56Of course.
21:57I'm the bee commandant.
21:58Yeah.
21:58I've got my cowboy hat on.
22:01And what else have I got on there?
22:03Glue.
22:04Yep.
22:04And a staple.
22:05So the narrative is the bee commandant is understandably angry.
22:09He's had a staple rammed through his intestines just before he put his cowboy hat on.
22:13And then there was an extra bit of the narrative where he whips his stuff.
22:17Mm.
22:18Which caused you to be exasperated with yourself for bringing whipping into it, I think.
22:22Yeah.
22:22I thought it was a bee in a hole to whip.
22:24It's got wings.
22:25Charlotte also started trying to make a beekeeper outfit.
22:27Yeah.
22:28But it didn't work.
22:28Didn't work, so you abandoned it and turned it into a papal bee, as we can see here.
22:32Yep.
22:33It's good.
22:34I mean, it is good.
22:35It's good.
22:35Also, can you see there's a slipper for every leg?
22:39There are six little white paper slippers.
22:40Because that's part of the Pope's uniform, isn't it?
22:42It is.
22:43Pope slippers.
22:43Yeah.
22:44It did snip the fingers off the gloves, so that was a master thing.
22:46Yeah, it spooked everybody as well, didn't it?
22:48For one beat, I thought you were chopping your fingers off.
22:51I thought you were so committed to this show.
22:53I don't need fingers.
22:54No.
22:55Yeah.
22:55All the tasks.
22:56I know where I can get a spare thumb anyway.
22:58The end result is pretty impressive.
23:01Magnificent.
23:01I'll just ask you the simple question, does the Pope wear a uniform?
23:04Oh, are you kidding?
23:06Do you think he'd come out in a jeans and T-shirt?
23:07I don't think so.
23:08No, but he's wearing a uniform.
23:09Yeah.
23:10Nowhere in the world has anyone ever referred to the Pope's clothing as a uniform.
23:15You've asked everybody, have you?
23:16You've asked everyone, you've checked.
23:18No, no, no, no.
23:19So what would you call it?
23:20I'm going to put my Pope garb on.
23:22Garb?
23:23Yeah.
23:23All right.
23:24I think, let's have a look at Jamali's anyway.
23:26It's a lovely, it's a lovely Pope.
23:28Harder, I think, to interpret.
23:30That looks like a hostage situation.
23:32Tell us where the hoodie is.
23:35It's not a real ghost, he's an actor, playing the ghost of the Christmas past.
23:42Yeah.
23:42You're happy with your bee having a ghost uniform?
23:46Well, yeah, because if you think about it, it's a type of clothing you wear to work, right?
23:50Yeah.
23:51And so, if you're an actor, like, you know when you've acted in things, I don't know if you've acted
23:55in things, but...
23:56I have.
23:56Have you?
23:56Really?
23:57I know you're unaware of my suit.
23:58I should check it out.
24:00And you wear your uniform as your costume as your uniform.
24:03No, I've never referred, in my many television acting roles, I've never referred to my clothing as a uniform, not
24:09once.
24:11Finally, it's time to see Lee make and Mike make.
24:15Right, I'm going to take this off.
24:16Yes.
24:17Do you want to start the clock yet?
24:18I have started the clock.
24:19No, you can't start the clock, that's not fair.
24:20I can't stop the clock.
24:21Oh, for God's sake, Alex, I had to take the jacket off, he doesn't have to do that.
24:25Ars and crafts aren't really in my wheelhouse, generally speaking.
24:28What's in your wheelhouse, Mike?
24:30Afternoon naps.
24:33Breakfast.
24:37Right, there you go.
24:40I feel like using scissors was something that I knew how to do.
24:48I better jazz up the collar a bit.
24:51Hopefully, he won't mind having a, er, a spike going through his nut.
24:56Right, you know what this is, don't you?
24:58It's your classic turn your frozen pee into a bee helmet situation.
25:01We've all been there.
25:02Here we go.
25:05Gosh, if ever I needed a pair of glasses, it was now.
25:08This is what they should do, get rid of the traditional eye techs.
25:12It'd make you look forward to going to the opticians, wouldn't it?
25:15Right, progress.
25:24Cape.
25:25Bull.
25:27Alex, could you go online and find out what the world record is for jumping double-decker buses?
25:30Yep.
25:31A man jumped over 18 on the 29th of August, 1983.
25:33Well, this is a British record.
25:36Who did it in Wales?
25:38The Bee Matador.
25:42And that, my friend, is Beeville Knievel, made from split pee, about to jump almost the world record, the world
25:49record for a bee.
25:55Can I go for it?
25:56Good luck, Beeville.
26:02Don't let me down, Beeville.
26:07OK.
26:08You ready?
26:15This is the one.
26:18He's still on his bike.
26:20Come on.
26:23Ready?
26:31Oh, that was a bad one.
26:33Forget it.
26:39Well, I'd like to deal with Mike first, if I may.
26:41Yes.
26:41Who instantly decided on the Matador idea.
26:44A lot of detail.
26:45You made the bull ring, you got hold of the bull.
26:47Yeah.
26:48Sand.
26:49Yeah.
26:49My gut instinct is that when we see the Matador's outfit in isolation, it'll be rubbish.
26:56I think, yeah, I think your instincts are probably correct.
27:00This is what it ends up looking like.
27:01Yeah.
27:03I mean, that's obviously a bullfight that's gone wrong, I think.
27:06He's also dead.
27:07He's dead.
27:08It's a dangerous profession.
27:10Right.
27:10The Matador Bee compared with three stunts from Lee Mack as well.
27:15Yeah.
27:15Beeville Knievel.
27:16Yeah, here is Beeville.
27:17You can see the word Beeville on his collar.
27:19What interested me is when the challenge was set, immediately you went, get me a frozen pea.
27:24Immediately.
27:24And you knew it was for the helmet for Beeville Knievel?
27:27Immediately, because I knew that I only had a small window.
27:29You have to defrost that frozen pea perfectly.
27:31Too hard, you'll never cut through it.
27:33Too soft, and it won't be able to protect a skull.
27:35It did crash several times and the helmet stayed on.
27:37Well, it did its job.
27:40I'm ready to make judgment.
27:41Right.
27:41Do you want to put them all up on the screen?
27:42Put them all up and let me judge.
27:44There we go.
27:44OK.
27:45I love that this looks like a family of bees and this is all of their names.
27:48And the different achievements that they've done.
27:52Like two-pound bee pets.
27:54Charlotte's doing great.
27:55I think they're all quite proud of Charlotte, probably.
27:57Yeah, right.
27:58Which is the worst uniform, Craig?
27:59I mean, the worst outfit is clearly the ghost.
28:04So, one point to Jamali.
28:05Very close to getting the one point was the bee commandant.
28:09Yes.
28:10I'll take that.
28:10Yeah.
28:11Two points for Sarah.
28:12And thank me for them.
28:15Mike Wozniak's Matador P is very lucky to be getting three points.
28:19Right.
28:19Third place for Mike.
28:20So, it's between the Pope and the stuntman.
28:23They're both a visual delight to me.
28:25But, because there was extra stunts,
28:27I think Biele Knievel on this occasion just takes it.
28:31But four points to Charlotte.
28:32Five points to Lee.
28:33Well, then, I'm happy with that.
28:34Thank you.
28:36Another one.
28:38And it's time to throw some shapes.
28:52Hi.
28:53Hi, Sarah.
28:54Hello.
28:54Hi, Alex.
28:56Hello, there.
28:57That's Christmasy.
28:58Thank you.
29:03Arrange the seven objects in a line on the table in order of how many sides they have.
29:08Fewest sides on your left, most sides on your right.
29:11You may only touch the objects with your face.
29:16If anything falls from the table, you're disqualified.
29:19If anything falls from the table, you are disqualified.
29:22Disqualified.
29:23You have ten minutes.
29:25You must put on your darkness goggles.
29:28Now.
29:33Okay.
29:33Can you see anything?
29:34No.
29:34Can you carry on reading?
29:36Jamali?
29:38Oh, no.
29:39What's wrong?
29:40Well, I can't see, of course.
29:41No, they're darkness goggles.
29:42I can't see anything.
29:43What am I doing?
29:45I mean, I've been asking that since I started this show.
29:48Please read the final line of the task.
29:50Um, your time starts now.
29:58I'm keen to crack on and see what is obviously going to be a humiliation.
30:02Let's have a look.
30:03We're going to start with two right, nosy parkers, Charlotte and Sarah.
30:09I don't...
30:10Oh, okay.
30:11Okay, that feels rectangular.
30:14All right.
30:14Um, oh, what are the edges of the table?
30:18Oh, that was close.
30:22All right, that's an egg.
30:23What the hell is that?
30:26Oh, right.
30:28One, two, three.
30:33That's a circle.
30:35How many sides has a circle got?
30:36One?
30:41That's a rectangle.
30:43Oh, there's that egg.
30:45Go.
30:47Is that hygienic to get an egg shell in your mouth?
30:49Yes, it is, yeah.
30:52Please be careful.
30:58Oh, where did it go?
31:02Right, off you go.
31:05That's a pyramid.
31:06Huh?
31:07One.
31:07What's that?
31:08Is that...
31:09What is that wet?
31:11Where's the egg gone?
31:13Oh, ow.
31:16One, two, three, four.
31:20As I suspected.
31:24One.
31:27Two, three, four.
31:32Tap.
31:33Paper.
31:35How many sides has paper got?
31:36Two.
31:37Ow.
31:39Like a banana.
31:41How many sides does a banana have?
31:44One?
31:45What's this?
31:47Oh, God.
31:48An unknown.
31:50A banana.
31:51I think bananas have got, like, more sides, maybe.
31:55So, I'm going to go there.
31:59Two sides to a page?
32:01What's that?
32:03Huh?
32:04Five.
32:05So, you're over here near jelly.
32:07One.
32:12Oh!
32:13WHISTLE BLOWS
32:15WHISTLE BLOWS
32:15Oh!
32:17Egg.
32:18Paper.
32:19I feel like there might be something with three sides.
32:21Oh, God.
32:24This is it.
32:25Ugh.
32:26What is it?
32:28Right.
32:28Done.
32:30WHISTLE BLOWS
32:30Thank you.
32:31Thanks, Cass.
32:32Thanks, Sarah.
32:33APPLAUSE
32:36There were two moments in your attempt, Sarah, that, to me, just summed up the futility of life.
32:41Go on.
32:41It's when you dropped the egg and you were still like a heron.
32:45LAUGHTER
32:46And then, at the end, there was this existential grunt of, uh...
32:52LAUGHTER
32:53I had the horrors about that for days.
32:56Just the thought of me sightlessly licking objects.
32:59Yeah.
33:00Snuffling around like a salamander on the bottom of the ocean.
33:04It was just disgusting to watch.
33:06It was a lovely moment when your chin went into water as well, where you went, yeah.
33:11LAUGHTER
33:11SHE LAUGHS
33:13She was unlucky.
33:14She did actually do pretty well.
33:15But as Charlotte said, if something falls to the floor, you are disquashified.
33:19Disquashified.
33:20You are.
33:21Charlotte became a sort of primary school teacher at one point.
33:24You're over here near jelly.
33:27I think I should have chosen a different outfit,
33:29cos I don't need any more extra help looking like a primary school teacher.
33:32You were good at working out how many sides things have.
33:35Thank you.
33:35Paper, two.
33:36Banana, six or seven.
33:38Well, again, Sarah said this like it was one of the great, um, questions of our age.
33:43How many sides does a banana have?
33:45Do we get the answer to that, though?
33:47The internet thinks it's five.
33:49You want the paper one end and you want things like the banana and the pyramid the other one.
33:52She ended up with egg, paper, cheese, drink, ice, jelly, banana.
33:56It's pretty good.
33:56Yeah, very impressive.
33:58Yeah.
33:58Oh, great.
33:59What did Sarah drop?
34:00She dropped the eggs, so she is squashletalified.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:06Now for the men, the disgraceful men.
34:10Face-based geometry.
34:12That's exactly it, Mike.
34:13OK.
34:14OK, so that's one.
34:16Ooh!
34:18That's two.
34:19Ah, ah, ah, ah.
34:22Oh, that's all.
34:23I'm out.
34:25Is it?
34:26What's that?
34:27Ooh, that's not pleasant.
34:29You can't think of it.
34:29Ah, I know.
34:31Oh, what's this?
34:32Very hard to count sides with your nose.
34:35Ah.
34:36Ah.
34:38I can't count.
34:39I think that's got three sides.
34:41Oh, my God.
34:42Ah, that's a little bit like being kissed by someone on the cusp of death.
34:51That's gone in something, hasn't it?
34:54I've rolled something somewhere.
34:56I didn't hear the dull thud of disqualification.
34:59No.
35:00Ooh!
35:04There's some people all on the floor.
35:06Why can't it just be something normal?
35:07I'd have to be like, oh, it's like smudge.
35:10Smudge.
35:11Oh, shit.
35:11Oh, look, we've got shit on a plate.
35:14People with Channel 4 watching people eat shit on a plate.
35:18I used to have a career.
35:20Good place.
35:21Ooh!
35:22One, two, three.
35:22That's got five sides, because it's a container of water.
35:25I don't know what this is.
35:27I put my moustache in it.
35:28That doesn't actually help.
35:34That's a pyramid, that.
35:36I'm not sure what this guy is.
35:38That's a piece of paper.
35:41Oh!
35:44The only size of Raleigh Barana got.
35:50Oh!
35:53Egg.
35:57Oh!
36:00This isn't fair.
36:02I was told to trust my instincts, but my instincts are telling me to squeak like a bat and use
36:08a sound, but I don't think I've got the hearing.
36:12If I'm disqualified for that, it's not bad, considering I've got my goggles on.
36:19A brie, perhaps?
36:21If it's wedge time, you're talking five sides.
36:23Yeah, I give up on this, yeah.
36:25I think I'm done.
36:27There we go.
36:28WHISTLE BLOWS
36:29WHISTLE BLOWS
36:29WHISTLE BLOWS
36:30WHISTLE BLOWS
36:31Wow.
36:32Well done, then.
36:33Well done, then.
36:34I'm going to start with you.
36:36You fascinate me.
36:38Without any hesitation, once you've read the task, you turned to Alex and you said,
36:42ah, so some face-based geometry.
36:44Straight away.
36:45Yeah.
36:46Right.
36:46And then, straight away after that, without any hesitation, you tucked your tie into your shirt.
36:51Everything led me to believe you've done a lot of these things before.
36:54Down the business.
36:55Of course, small children.
36:56Yeah.
36:57So we will construct stuff where you have to guess with your face or your hands, and sometimes that is
37:02road tested.
37:03You have done this before.
37:04So I've shoved my face in stuff before.
37:06And have you said to your young children, right, it's face-based geometry?
37:10Every Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
37:12Absolutely fascinating.
37:14Jamali, that all went horribly wrong.
37:16Yeah, like, I knocked the first one down, I already knew I lost, and then I just had jelly in
37:21my face and water in my nose, and I just, I honestly, I just got mad.
37:25I just, I got very unprofessional, and I just decided to fuck the place up.
37:31Lee, um, there was a moment that you probably haven't registered during your attempt, and it's a noise that you
37:37make when the jelly falls off the table,
37:39and it is genuinely heartbreaking, Lee.
37:42Here is the noise.
37:43BUZZER
37:44BUZZER
37:44BUZZER
37:46BUZZER
37:46Do you want to hear that a few more times, Greg?
37:48Let's see that.
37:50BUZZER
37:50BUZZER
37:51BUZZER
37:51BUZZER
37:52BUZZER
37:52BUZZER
37:53Oh, no.
37:55The tongue instinctively tried to grab, but then you remembered you can't grab with the tongue.
37:58You ended up snogging the table more than anyone else.
38:00It was unpleasant. I'm not going to lie, it was unpleasant.
38:02Let's see it one more time.
38:04Yeah, let's see it again.
38:05Focus on the tongue trying to chase the jelly.
38:07Yeah.
38:07That's what I enjoy.
38:09BUZZER
38:10BUZZER
38:10BUZZER
38:11Oh, I think there's a bit of saliva there as well.
38:13BUZZER
38:13I've had enough now. I mean...
38:16Yeah, but, you know, you've got something for your showreel out of it.
38:19BUZZER
38:19Oh, you think I've got a career after this to have a showreel?
38:22BUZZER
38:22Nice.
38:23But two people, Mike and Charlotte, were incredible at this game and had no problem.
38:27They were very successful.
38:28I don't know if that's a good thing.
38:29Yeah, it is a good thing.
38:30I mean, you were at a disadvantage because you haven't played it multiple times.
38:34Right.
38:34So we got the cheese in the right place. Unfortunately, you've got the jelly,
38:37far too close to the paper and the egg. That should have been right up the other end.
38:40Oh.
38:41So you were one worse than Charlotte.
38:43So four points to Mike, five points to Charlotte Ritchie.
38:46Lovely.
38:47Oh, my God.
38:47OK.
38:49It's a bit controversial, but because they did so well, I'd like to celebrate by watching Lee drop that jelly
38:54off them.
38:55Yay!
38:55That's all right.
39:00Thank you, guys.
39:03Well done.
39:03Can I check how many points the three people who dropped things get?
39:07Er, I'm afraid nothing.
39:08Nothing?
39:09Yeah.
39:10Nothing to Jamali or Lee or Sarah.
39:12Let's have a look at the scores, baby.
39:14Sarah is down the bottom.
39:15Our series leader has only eight points.
39:17First-time leader Charlotte is on 13.
39:19Yay!
39:20Yay!
39:21It feels so great.
39:23Well, everyone, would you please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
39:30Hello!
39:31Hi, Greg.
39:32Welcome.
39:33Who's going to read it out?
39:34Two people are going to read it out today.
39:36First time ever.
39:37I'd like Sarah to read hers and then Lee to read his.
39:42Grab the marshmallow with your tongs.
39:44When the taskmaster says play, you have ten seconds to grab the marshmallow.
39:50Once your tongs are over the table, you must attempt to grab the marshmallow.
39:54If you successfully grab the marshmallow, you win.
39:57So that's what one team will do.
39:59The other team will do this.
40:00Bat away the marshmallow.
40:02When the taskmaster says play, you will have ten seconds to bat away the marshmallow.
40:07Your hands may not be over the table until the other players' tongs are over the table.
40:11If your hand is over the table first, you are disqualified from the round.
40:15If you bat away the marshmallow, you win.
40:17It's a game of slaps, but with tongs and a marshmallow.
40:20There are going to be six battles.
40:21If someone in your team wins, that is one point for everyone in your team.
40:26First to grab and bat are Sarah versus Lee.
40:30It's going to be Sarah grabbing, Lee batting.
40:32Just to be clear, I'm going to be saying three, two, one, slap and tong.
40:37And I don't want you to play until I finish the word tong. Thank you.
40:40So remember, Sarah, if your tongs go over that table at all, you've got to fulfil the grab.
40:47OK, good luck, everyone.
40:54Three, two, one, slap and tong.
40:57I'm focusing.
40:59Sorry.
40:59Sorry, you can do this.
41:02Oh, she's good.
41:06And that's one point.
41:07Lovely.
41:10On this occasion, it's going to be Mike to grab.
41:14It's Jamali to bat.
41:17Three, two, one.
41:20Slap and tong.
41:26Nice.
41:26Oh, my God.
41:28Oh, wow!
41:30Wow!
41:30Wow, Matt, you are incredible.
41:32That's great.
41:33What a display.
41:34That's another activity that Mike Wozniak has clearly done before.
41:38Just when I thought he couldn't look more like a praying mantis.
41:43OK, it's Lee to grab.
41:44Charlotte, you are batting.
41:46Got it.
41:46What's the technique again?
41:48I've got it.
41:48It's all...
41:49Have you seen Karate Kid?
41:52Three, two, one, slap and tong.
41:54What do you want?
41:55Watch out for the mic cable.
41:56Mm-hm.
41:59Oh, I'm going to get you.
42:00Oh!
42:01I was in the middle of saying, I'm going to get you.
42:03I know.
42:04I've got that opportunity.
42:05I've got that opportunity.
42:05I've got that opportunity.
42:07Oh, no points yet to the batter.
42:09We're halfway through.
42:11Three more games to go.
42:12Sarah to slap.
42:13Mike to grab.
42:18Three, two, one.
42:22Slap and tong.
42:24Oh!
42:26It's the first time a batter's got a point.
42:28Well done, the team's brilliant.
42:29Well done.
42:30Jemana's grab.
42:31Lee to slap.
42:32Jack it off, is it?
42:33Oh, serious, is it?
42:34Sorry.
42:35Here we go.
42:36Going backhand again, is he?
42:39Love that.
42:40Are you going to say the tong thing?
42:41I am, yeah.
42:43Three, two, one.
42:48Slap and tong.
42:56Oh!
42:58Ten to it.
42:59Ten to it.
43:02That was textbook.
43:05This is the final battle.
43:07Charlotte to grab.
43:08Mike to slap.
43:09Take your position.
43:13No pressure, but you've got to get this, Mike.
43:31Do you see what happened there, wasn't he?
43:37No gimmicks.
43:38Nothing.
43:39Just action.
43:40Smooth.
43:41Slick.
43:41Right, come down.
43:42We'll find out how that's affected the final score.
43:44OK.
43:44OK.
43:48Does that put the cat amongst the pigeons?
43:50The cat is very much amongst the pigeons.
43:53What reactions there were?
43:54What reflexes?
43:55Oh, cat-like.
43:57Yes.
43:57And the team of three were the only ones who won one of the batting games,
43:59which means they all win four points.
44:01The team of two get two points each.
44:03Take it.
44:04Yeah.
44:04Well done.
44:05Well done, everyone.
44:06And so?
44:06Well, and so we are at the halfway stage of the series,
44:09and the scores are pleasingly alphabetical.
44:11Charlotte at the bottom of 58.
44:13Jamali, 67.
44:14Lee, 70.
44:15Mike, 71.
44:17Sarah, 90 at this stage.
44:19However, due to her final grab, the winner of this episode,
44:23for the first time, Charlotte Ritchie with 17.9.
44:26Yay!
44:28Charlotte Ritchie wins.
44:29Please go and handle your operational prizes.
44:33APPLAUSE
44:35So what have we learned today?
44:37Today, I hope we've learned how to celebrate the simple things in life.
44:42The sound of birdsong.
44:45Waves crashing on a beach.
44:50And a 52-year-old man knocking jelly off a table with his tongue.
44:54I'm done.
44:58Farewell, my friends.
44:59See you soon for the sixth chapter.
45:01But for now, let's applaud tonight's winner, Charlotte Ritchie!
45:06APPLAUSE
45:24You can knock them, I'll never know it.
45:32Welcome back to theUN Cheat
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