- 3 weeks ago
In this episode, Herman starts flirting with a copier repair woman named Lil. Their date goes well until she tells him that she just wants to be friends, leaving Herman disappointed. The episode's title is a direct parody and loose adaptation of the famous Gabriel García Márquez novel Love in the Time of Cholera, which deals with themes of unrequited love and enduring passion over a lifetime.
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00:00Yeah, your average repair person doesn't usually have that nice of cleavage.
00:04At least in front.
00:06Follow me, boys!
00:08Hi. How's it going?
00:10Eh, not too bad. I should have it up and running in no time.
00:13What do you guys do here, anyway?
00:15Uh, research magazine articles.
00:17But I'm also a connoisseur of fine wines,
00:18and I single-handedly brought democracy to Eastern Europe.
00:22Impressive.
00:24All I did was hammer out a Pacific Rim trade agreement
00:27and pitch for ten years in the old Negro League.
00:30How come you quit baseball and found out you were white?
00:35I'm white.
00:38What a dazzling wit she is.
00:40I think we should think of an especially clever way to ask her out.
00:44Gently, I'm on the case.
00:47I'm Herman Brooks.
00:49Well, Miguel, nice to meet you.
00:50Nice.
00:51Why, these hung-out copiers are such junk.
00:54Now, you're telling me the one I've got at my apartment is constantly breaking down.
00:58You've got your own Hun-How 5000 copiers?
01:01Well, no. Actually, I've got the Hun-How 2000.
01:04Hun-How doesn't make a 2000.
01:07No, no. I meant the 1000.
01:09See, there were two 1000s that my cousin got for wedding presents.
01:14So she gave me one of them, and that's how I got mine.
01:17Well, I could come by and take a look at your copier tonight.
01:22You idiot.
01:25Our cousin gave us a copier?
01:28That's how we asked this woman for a date?
01:30She's nibbling.
01:33That would be great.
01:34Okay.
01:34She's coming back to our apartment.
01:39Well, who's the idiot now?
01:41It's still you.
01:45We don't own a copier machine.
01:46Aha!
01:50This city is exciting.
01:52Dangerous.
01:54Troubled.
01:55That woman is not wearing underwear.
01:57Is that all you can think about?
02:00Food and sex?
02:01Yes.
02:02Please, focus.
02:04Look out!
02:11No drivers from all parts.
02:16We're late.
02:17Petty, hold the elevator.
02:19Petty.
02:27I think Louise is so sweet.
02:30I think this woman is wearing underwear.
02:33I think there's too many people in this elevator.
02:35And I think you are all idiots.
02:37It's gonna work.
02:38It's gonna work.
02:57I can't believe I'm doing this.
03:10Who knew the Hung Holt 1000 would be bigger than the Hung Holt 5000?
03:15I wish you knew.
03:17Because my back is wrenching up pretty good.
03:19Let me talk.
03:20I've got to admit, renting office equipment's got to be the weirdest way I've ever asked for a date.
03:25Oh, this is nothing.
03:27I bought a chimp last week.
03:31This woman told me she was a veterinarian.
03:33How'd it go?
03:34Not too good.
03:35Turned out she was a vegetarian with a speech impediment.
03:39Okay, I've got to do something to break this thing.
03:44There, that ought to do it.
03:46Oh, she's here.
03:47You've got to go.
03:48You don't have to go.
03:49What am I, an embarrassment?
03:52Hi, Lil.
03:53Thanks for coming by.
03:54This is my friend Jay Nichols.
03:55Hey, nice to meet you.
03:56I have to go.
03:57Uh, if my chimp isn't fed on time, he rips up the furniture and gives me the finger.
04:03Fun.
04:05So, what's the problem?
04:07Uh, I don't know.
04:08He always acts like that.
04:09No, I meant with the machine.
04:12Oh, well, I have no idea, but knowing these machines, I'm sure it's pretty complex.
04:16You know, it might take a while, so should I make some coffee or something?
04:19No, Dean.
04:20Here's your problem.
04:21Your diode module is missing.
04:23I know, it was shot off during the war, but I can still function as a man.
04:29That is a relief.
04:31Ah, it's all done.
04:33Well, that didn't take long.
04:35Yeah, it's a good thing.
04:37I still got time to swing by the Metropolitan and pick up my tickets for the George O'Keefe exhibit.
04:41That is incredible.
04:42I like O'Keefe, too.
04:43Maybe we could, uh, see the exhibit together.
04:46Sure.
04:47How about Saturday afternoon?
04:48Yeah, I think I might be able to do that.
05:03And how does Lil feel about you?
05:05Well, I don't know.
05:06I mean, I think she likes me.
05:07I'll know better after Saturday night.
05:08I'm taking her out to a nice restaurant.
05:10Yeah, it's our first real date.
05:11What do you mean?
05:12We've gone out a couple of times.
05:14Well, we went to the museum and rollerblading.
05:16Those weren't really dates.
05:17What were they?
05:18They were like daytime activities, you know, like raking the leaves or getting the car washed.
05:23Those aren't dates.
05:24Oh, swell.
05:25Now I've got to revise my whole diary.
05:30All right, who broke the machine?
05:32Me?
05:33I couldn't wait until Saturday to see you.
05:34Oh, oh, yeah.
05:35Look, about Saturday.
05:36I'm going to have to cancel.
05:37Cancel?
05:38How come?
05:39Well, my grandmother's visiting, and, you know, I've got to spend some time with her.
05:42Her grandmother's visiting.
05:44She's blowing us off.
05:45You know, I hate to admit it, but it's probably right.
05:47Hell, we've used the old grandmother excuse ourselves.
05:50Yeah, how about it?
05:51Look, Grandma Brooks is in the hospital.
05:54You've got to go to Grandma Brooks' funeral.
05:56Grandma Brooks is being exhumed from the investigation.
06:01Okay, well, some other time, then.
06:03Okay, yeah, some other time.
06:05Listen up, people.
06:06Well, I have some news concerning our annual bonuses.
06:09As you know, Waterton's had a profitable year.
06:12Finally, here comes my reward for all the contributions I've made to this company.
06:17Waterton has used their profits to purchase a professional hockey team.
06:22In lieu of cash bonuses, we are all getting tickets to the first five games of the season.
06:28And I know I speak for us all when I say, hot damn.
06:39I can't believe it.
06:41I didn't blab to a single board member's wife, and this is the thanks I get?
06:45Good thing I kept those negatives.
06:47The whole heating coil is shot.
06:53Look, I'm going to have to go see if we've got one in stock.
06:55Listen, Lou, I was wondering, what are you doing tonight?
06:58Nothing.
06:58Well, why don't you come by my place?
07:00I'll whip up some dinner or something.
07:02Sure, that sounds great.
07:03I'll come by around 7.30.
07:07Yeah!
07:09Whoa, here she comes again!
07:10Look out!
07:12Woo-hoo!
07:13Yeah!
07:13Yeah!
07:13Yeah!
07:14Yeah!
07:14Yeah!
07:15Yeah!
07:15Yeah!
07:15Yeah!
07:16Yeah!
07:16Yeah!
07:16Yeah!
07:16Yeah!
07:16Yeah!
07:17So, Herman, what about if you go with someone to pick up their dry cleaning?
07:23Is that a date?
07:26Sorry, Louise, no.
07:28Yeah.
07:33Well, the copier's set.
07:35You know, it's so weird.
07:36I've been looking all over New York for the perfect woman.
07:39Turns out she's been repairing machines at Waterton the whole time.
07:42Huh.
07:42Wow, is that fate or what?
07:44What is this, fish?
07:45Wait, leave the hors d'oeuvres alone.
07:48They're for company.
07:49Company?
07:50What are you, turning into my mother?
07:54Next, you put plastic slipcovers on the furniture.
07:57Start abusing diet pills and run off to Mazatlan with Dad's insurance agent.
08:02Thanks for a disturbing glimpse into your childhood.
08:04Oh, it's probably Hetty.
08:08Hey, she's lending me some wine glasses.
08:11Here you go, Herman.
08:12Thanks.
08:12Hey, Jay.
08:13Hey.
08:14Ooh.
08:15Flowers.
08:16Candles.
08:17Mm-hmm.
08:18What is so special about this woman anyway?
08:20Everything.
08:20I feel like I've known her for years.
08:22I'm telling you, I could very easily settle down with this woman, move to Connecticut, and
08:26raise a family.
08:27Wow.
08:28You're turning into my dad.
08:29Next, you'll be joining a country club selling insurance policies and running off with some
08:34amphetamine-addicted housewife.
08:43Did they go to Mexico by any chance?
08:46Yeah, they might have.
08:47Why?
08:48Let's go get a cup of coffee.
08:50You buying?
08:51Yeah, I'll buy.
08:53Hey, Merle.
08:55Excuse us.
08:55We have to go have a painfully revealing conversation.
08:59And maybe a Danish.
09:02See ya.
09:03Sure.
09:05Well, glad to see you're getting some use out of the cop here.
09:09Yeah, well, it was either that or hollow it out and raise bees in it.
09:12Oh, I think eating off of it is the way to go.
09:14Oh, eating and drinking?
09:17Hey, thanks.
09:19One for each of us.
09:21The same vineyard, the same year.
09:24We have the same taste in everything.
09:27I feel like dancing.
09:30Come on!
09:30I didn't know you cared.
09:39Well, shall we dance?
09:41I mean, uh, dine.
09:42So, my best friend, Joey, Double Dog Pinky dared me to lick the ski lift pole.
09:50And, uh, sure enough, my tongue got stuck right to it.
09:54They had to call a fire department to get me loose.
09:58But, you know, aside from that, it was the best weekend my whole four years in college.
10:02Oh, you know, I used to love skiing.
10:06I haven't been to Vermont in forever.
10:09No, me neither.
10:09It'd be fun to go sometime.
10:11Yeah, wouldn't it?
10:12Hey, you know what?
10:14Why don't we go next weekend?
10:16We could find some little bed and breakfast, you know?
10:18Mom and pop place.
10:20Quiet.
10:20Come in.
10:21Look, uh, this is hard to say, but I really just want to be friends.
10:30Oh.
10:39I think you're a great guy, and I really, I love spending time with you, but I just don't feel romantic about you.
10:49Oh.
10:51Uh.
10:53Oh.
10:55Are you okay with this?
10:57I mean, I want us to be friends, but if we can't, I, I understand.
11:02No, no, no problem.
11:04Friends is great.
11:05I've never felt such pain in all our life.
11:09You're telling me I'm sitting on my keys.
11:13That's nothing.
11:14You're sitting on my face.
11:19Here's to friendship.
11:20Herman, are you okay?
11:39I saw Lil again last night.
11:41We went out for ice cream.
11:43She had fudge ripple.
11:44I had, for God's sake.
11:45Someone put a bullet in my head.
11:47Crunch.
11:50It's sprinkles.
11:53I don't, I don't understand why you're doing this.
11:55How can you stand it?
11:56I just feel this incredible connection with her.
11:58She says I understand her better than anyone.
12:00I make her laugh more than anyone.
12:01And I just figure if I hang in there long enough, eventually she'll feel the way I want her to.
12:05Does that make sense to you?
12:07Yes, it does.
12:08But Herman, you can't make someone feel differently about you just because you want them to.
12:12You're right, Louise.
12:14You can't go on like this.
12:16I'm going to have to call Lil and tell her I can't see her anymore.
12:19What's this?
12:20Oh, your girlfriend Lil adopted off for you.
12:22She is not my girlfriend.
12:24I know.
12:25It just amuses me to remind you of it.
12:30Dear Herman, here's the Garcia Marquez book I told you about.
12:34I'm sorry I missed you.
12:35There's something I want to ask you.
12:38Love, Lil?
12:40I knew she would come around.
12:42A book, a love note.
12:44She's starting to feel the way we want her to.
12:46You know, you may be onto something.
12:47This book Lil gave us is about a writer who loves a woman who doesn't love him back,
12:51but he pursues her into their 80s until he finally realizes that she loves him.
12:56Hey, that's the same plot as my favorite movie.
12:59But instead of it being a writer and a woman,
13:02it's a pool guy and three college cheerleaders.
13:05And instead of waiting until their 80s,
13:06they go right in the cabana and get it on for a solid 90 minutes.
13:10Talk about your insight into the human condition.
13:15Louise, maybe Lil is interested in me.
13:17I mean, look at this.
13:18Dear Herman, love, Lil.
13:20Herman, I use those words when I write to my congressman.
13:23It doesn't mean I love him.
13:26Although he does have a pretty cute butt.
13:29Too bad for him.
13:30He's going to prison.
13:33Hey, Herman.
13:35Oh, you got the book.
13:36Yeah.
13:36I really think you're going to like it.
13:37No, I got the note, too.
13:38So what do you want to ask me?
13:39This hockey game on Sunday.
13:41Are you planning to go?
13:42Yeah.
13:42Yeah, I was thinking of going.
13:43Wow, good.
13:44I was hoping you'd be there.
13:46Really?
13:47Well, listen, you want to go together?
13:48Well, that would be perfect.
13:49Perfect.
13:50All right.
13:52All right.
13:52Let's get these bricks out of here.
13:54We got a future with Lil to plan.
13:58Okay.
13:58So we'll go together.
13:59Great.
14:00Because there's this guy I've been seeing.
14:03And I really want you to meet him.
14:05I want to know what you think about him.
14:19We met a guy.
14:21Yeah.
14:21His name's Scott.
14:23Well, you don't mind, do you?
14:25Oh, no.
14:25No.
14:26If he wants to call himself Scott, it's fine with me.
14:30See, I think it'll be great.
14:31The three of us, we can hang out together.
14:32Oh, sure.
14:33I can't wait.
14:34Oh, great.
14:35Thanks, Herman.
14:36Okay, I'll see you on Sunday.
14:37Bye.
14:37Bye.
14:40What are you doing, Mr. Boyd?
14:43You couldn't just back out after I said I'd go?
14:47She'd know I was jealous.
14:48All right.
14:49Listen.
14:50I'm going to the game with my friend Kimberly.
14:52Why don't you take her?
14:53Maybe you'll feel better if you're there with a chick.
14:56Yeah, Louise, thanks.
14:58Yeah.
14:58Yeah.
14:58You might be right.
15:00Being there with another woman will take my mind off Will.
15:03Yeah.
15:04Yeah.
15:05I'll feel a lot better.
15:05Are you having a good time, Kimberly?
15:14Yes.
15:14A great day.
15:16It's amazing the way Mario Lemieux came back, isn't it?
15:20Who the hell is that woman and why does she keep yammering at us?
15:24She's Louise's friend, Kimberly, and we agreed to bring her.
15:28Well, for the love of God, can't she shut the hell up and leave us alone?
15:32She's distracting us from obsessing over Lil.
15:34You know, I'm tired of looking like a fool in front of Lil.
15:37And we're going to look like a fool in front of Kimberly if we don't answer her question.
15:41Now, what did she ask us?
15:43I didn't catch all of it, but I think it was something about Pepe Le Pew coming back.
15:49Yeah, well, you know, he likes the cats because of the paint and everything.
15:54You know, he's French.
15:55He's going for it.
15:57Oh, hey, peanuts.
15:59Well, actually, I was talking about hockey.
16:02But, hey, I can go to cartoons.
16:04I'm like, why do you suppose that Speed Racer never knew that Rex Racer and Racer X were the same guy?
16:12Hey, Herman.
16:13Yeah?
16:14I'm here from Millbury, Ohio.
16:16Scott was just there last month.
16:18That's right.
16:19Up by Madison Creek.
16:20Are you familiar with it?
16:21Are you kidding?
16:21You're kidding?
16:22I used to play there.
16:23I once called 18 tadpoles in a single day.
16:26What?
16:27What are you doing up there?
16:27I unearthed an ancient Iroquois Indian village, so I'll be overseeing the archaeological dig.
16:34Did I say tadpoles?
16:36No, I meant frogs.
16:37Yeah.
16:38Nail frogs.
16:40Big ones.
16:41With teeth.
16:41This guy's like Indiana Jones.
16:45How are we supposed to compete with him?
16:47I've got it.
16:48Let's pretend we have a nosebleed and go home.
16:51If we can show a little, we're ten times the man Scott is.
16:54Just let me handle it.
16:55God, I wish the rest would let these guys fight more.
16:59Hey, come on, you bunch of pansies.
17:00Let's see some blood.
17:03Ooh, cotton candy.
17:06Down in front.
17:07All right.
17:10Why don't you get us all some more drinks?
17:12My treat.
17:14Hey, you going to the snack bar?
17:16I'll have some nachos and a jumbo hot dog.
17:20Isn't he terrific, Robin?
17:23Yeah, he's terrific.
17:24Hey, what is this?
17:27That's an off-site violation.
17:29No, this.
17:30That's a good sack of gum.
17:34Wow, awesome, Dave.
17:36Did you see what's coming?
17:38Hey.
17:40Jeez, huh?
17:42I don't think I've ever seen a chick so in love with a guy.
17:44Good thing you're over that,
17:45because otherwise, the way she's looking at him,
17:47you've got to feel like a worm.
17:49No, like a slug,
17:51and some kid just poured salt on you.
17:52And you're on the sidewalk getting all bubbly.
17:57And then some other kid runs over you with his bike,
17:59and you go...
18:00You're not over her, are you?
18:06I'll go get us some pretzels.
18:07Okay, would you like that, pretzels?
18:10Pretzel room?
18:11I'll take one spicy mustard.
18:14Hey, Mr. Brackett, where do you put in all this food?
18:17In here.
18:19My wife has me on one of those damn cockamamie juice diets.
18:22I've got to squirrel away solid food every chance I get.
18:26Hey, how's it going over here in the cheap seat?
18:29Hey, Annie, where are you sitting?
18:30Oh, up in a luxury box with the owner of the team.
18:33Oh, what's that like?
18:35Well, I was having a great time learning all about hockey.
18:38And then he says to me,
18:40how would you like to stick around after the game
18:41and ride the big Zamboni?
18:46Want him to do that leaf to buy me dinner, huh?
18:48So, you think the game's going to go into overtime, Herman?
18:54Herman.
18:58Look out!
18:59Herman!
19:00What?
19:09Morning, Louise.
19:10I am mad at you, Herman.
19:11You were very rude to my friend Kimberly yesterday.
19:13You just ignored her.
19:15Look, just because you're miserable about Lil
19:17doesn't mean you have to make Kimberly miserable, too.
19:19I'm sorry.
19:20It was a bad night.
19:21I was obsessed with Lil.
19:23Plus, I went way overboard in the cotton candy.
19:31Thanks.
19:32Hi, Herman.
19:33Your boss is getting ready to your copier.
19:35Hey, why don't you help me wheel it to the freight elevator?
19:37Okay.
19:39How's your forehead?
19:40Oh, fine.
19:41Fine, yeah.
19:41I've always wanted a cleft.
19:43I just hoped it would be in my chin.
19:44So, uh, what'd you think of Scott?
19:48Yeah, Lil, I can't do this.
19:49Well, use your legs, not your back.
19:51No, not the machine.
19:52Uh, look, I know I promised you that it wouldn't be a problem to be friends,
19:57but, uh, it's killing me.
20:00I didn't realize you felt this strongly.
20:03Yeah, I know.
20:03I should have been more honest with you.
20:06Look, Lil, I've liked a lot of women for a lot of different reasons,
20:09but you were every one of those reasons rolled into one woman.
20:14Herman, you're giving me way too much credit here.
20:18No, I'm not that great.
20:21You are to me.
20:22I mean, for God's sake, I got creamed by a hockey puck
20:25because you were kissing another guy.
20:27You know, and I, I just,
20:29I can't be around you knowing that you love someone
20:32who isn't fundamentally me.
20:36And I guess this is goodbye, huh?
20:44Yeah.
20:49Look, I'm really sorry that things didn't work out.
20:52Yeah, well, hey,
20:53there's one more thing we have in common.
20:58So long, Lil.
21:06Herman, are you okay?
21:09Yeah.
21:10Is there anything I can do?
21:12Yeah.
21:13Yeah, you can give me your friend, uh, Kimberly's number.
21:15I owe her an apology.
21:19What's wrong with the phones?
21:20Oh, they're out again.
21:22Yeah, the whole system's out.
21:24And don't worry about it.
21:25I got somebody coming to fix it.
21:27Ooh, Herman.
21:29Another repair person.
21:32There's still hope for your love life.
21:34Go for it, Herman.
21:46Diary.
21:47Remember Ralph from accounting?
21:49Well, this morning he asked me to help carry
21:51a bunch of boxes up to his office.
21:53Then, at lunch,
21:54I changed the oil in his car,
21:56and after work,
21:57I helped him lug his old sofa bed
21:58to the city dump
21:59where I sprained my ankle
22:00on a rusted-out hubcap.
22:02He had to go to some dinner later,
22:04so I took the bus home.
22:07I think he likes me.
22:12All right, you don't have much time
22:13to make the connection
22:14with the people at home.
22:15I'm a little nervous.
22:15I have not rehearsed properly.
22:16Have faith in yourself.
22:17Have confidence.
22:18What if I screw this up?
22:19Oh, you won't.
22:19Just tell them about
22:19The George Carlin Show
22:20in three, two, one.
22:21This Sunday on Fox,
22:22don't miss an all-new episode
22:23of The George Carlin Show.
22:25That was perfect.
22:25All right, let's do it again.
22:26All right, let's do it again.
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