- 3 weeks ago
Herman falls for new assistant editor Heather but she has a hairy situation. Louise is alone and Herman sets her up with Jay.
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00:00wearing underwear is that all you can think about food and sex yes please focus
00:07no time for small talk
00:30i think louise is so sweet i think this woman is wearing underwear i think there's too many people
00:37in this elevator and i think you're all idiots
00:40i'm gonna work
01:00well you're in a good mood this morning mr bracken well i always feel like this just before the
01:13research association dinner it's like christmas new year's and the sats all rolled into one
01:19oh boy the research dinner louise aren't you jazzed i thought you loved the research dinner
01:25researchers are so image conscious they always judge you by who your date is which
01:28particularly because i always go alone oh louise i'll be giving the big speech this year
01:34and i need the support of my peers you really think of me as your peer perhaps i misspoke
01:40i have no peers in research but i expect you to be there
01:47what's up louise you seem upset mr bracken's making me go to that stupid research dinner
01:52why don't you want to go i'm tired of going alone i'm tired of doing everything alone herman
01:56why can't love be like in the movies or on tv or any other form of popular fiction
02:00i want a storybook romance where you see each other across a crowded room your eyes lock you move toward
02:05each other slowly you fall in love then at the perfect moment he kisses the nape of your neck and
02:09he whispers in your ear that question you've been longing to hear darling won't you let me escort you to
02:13the researchers dinner she's talking nonsense there's no such thing as love at first sight
02:21i guess you're forgetting what t-shirt night at bouncy's tap room personally i feel bad louise
02:26can't get a guy i know how she feels we've had a tough time ourselves finding the right guy i mean girl
02:33really really i meant girl
02:37hey why don't we ask louise to the researchers dinner
02:40i mean after all we're in a dry spell we don't have anyone to take yeah yeah and if we're in a dry
02:44spell then louise is in the goby desert sorry i thought the ganging up on louise would divert
02:51attention from that guy thing that slipped out earlier no it doesn't nothing why don't you come
02:56to the dinner with me oh herman you don't have to do this of course i don't have to but i think it would
03:01be fun okay i'll go i guess it beats sitting around in a bathrobe drinking beer out of a can
03:08that's how you spend your friday nights no i assume that's what you did on your friday nights
03:21so
03:35hi hi hi hi hi hi will you pay attention to what you're doing i can't help it this woman is
04:03incredible i swear to god i'd like to tear her clothes off and jump on top of her oh you're
04:08not fooling anyone you're just covering up for that guy thing well maybe a little but i still
04:14think i can love this guy i mean girl damn it i'm herman i'm heather do you work here yeah i just
04:21started a couple of weeks ago as an assistant editor really assistant editor wow i'll be too
04:25impressed i spent the last two years at shaffler press in research so how about you i spent the
04:30last two years here in research and what are you doing now i'm starting my next two years
04:35but it's it's nice to hear about someone who's made the break not completely i promised my old boss i
04:41go to that researcher's dinner thing you're not going to that are you actually i am would you like
04:46to go together say yes say yes i agree this woman is too good to be true she has brains and wit for
04:52me a body for you sensitivity for you what she got for me not a thing so would you like to go i would
04:59love to great it's a date then okay okay um uh okay wait a minute we promise we take her to the
05:11research dinner but this is love at first sight if anyone would understand it's louise besides i'm
05:17sure our date with her is not that big of a deal oh herman i'm so excited about this dinner now yeah
05:23listen i've arranged for a limo and a new dress but i've made appointments for manicure pedicure facial
05:27and full body herbal rep oh i'm gonna get my back looper too you gotta pay extra for that but it's
05:31gonna be worth it oh herman's gonna be the best night of my life about the dinner well i guess i have to
05:34cancel the limo or turn the dress and cancel my appointments for manicure pedicure facial full
05:38body herbal rep but i'm stuck with the back looper they charge even if you cancel how could you do this
05:41to me herman louise louise i just met a woman it was it was the kind of storybook moment that we were
05:48just talking about it it's the kind of thing that happens once in a lifetime no herman the kind of
05:53storybook moments we were just talking about involves me well i promise i'll make it up to you
05:57yeah how i am gonna set you up on the most incredible dream date of your life with whom
06:03this is better coming up than it did going down thanks for dinner man glad you enjoyed it both times
06:12i gotta run it's amateur night in bouncy's tap room one of that seedy strip joint in times square
06:19no no i go to the one in jersey you tell them it's your birthday you get a free lap dance
06:24what a classy guy louise is so lucky i can't believe we're asking jay to take louise to the
06:31dinner he's a vile disgusting human being okay fine we'll go out with louise and risk losing heather
06:37that's not to say jay doesn't have a quirky charm so you're saying oh shut up and close the deal
06:45jay don't go yet what about dessert a big cobbler no thanks i can't hey made it from scratch
06:52all right herm one of two things is going on here you either want a favor or you're trying to land a
06:59fella well in a way i'm trying to land a fella i'm out of here no jay you don't understand are
07:07you going to that research dinner no i'm not going to that research dinner i'm a writer
07:11be like a trapeze artist going to the circus geeks picnic
07:15it's a very colorful analogy jay but i need you to go why well because i originally asked louise to
07:22go but you see i met this amazing woman heather and the only way i can go out with her is if you
07:26take louise oh little hermy has two dates for the prom all right hell i could use the money anyway
07:34what money the hundred bucks you have to give me to take her i'm not paying you a hundred bucks
07:41fine that's fine louise will just go to the party stag she'll just sit there by herself watching all
07:49the happy couples and their finery ah well she's hearty pioneer stock she'll live
07:54all right all right fine jay i'll give you the hundred bucks in singles all right i might want
08:01to swing by bouncies afterwards in a limo what limo what limo herm i'm a classy guy i gotta take louise
08:08to the geek picnic in style don't i okay jay now remember i don't want you to hurt louise's feelings
08:14it's important to me that she has a good time of course she's gonna have a good time thanks jay and
08:19don't say anything about the money it would embarrass louise if she knew i paid you no problem another
08:2550 bucks my lips are sealed hey louise herman i'm still not speaking to you except to tell you that
08:36i'm not speaking to you well when you find out how i've made everything right you are going to be
08:39very happy hey louise oh dear god no this is how you're gonna make it up to me with this idiot
08:49louise i would like very much to be your date at the researcher's dinner what is this some kind
08:54of joke no it isn't and regardless of what you decide these are for you well i have to admit
09:01they're very pretty they're not half as pretty as that blush of rose in your cheek all right now
09:05you're pouring out a little thick not half as thick as i'd be to overlook the beauty of all right
09:11now you're making me nauseous not half as nauseous jay shut up all right boy i know herman put you
09:18up to this and i have to admit you're being terribly sweet about it so okay i'll go now get the hell out
09:23of here before i change my mind louise we're gonna have a great time
09:28don't say another word herman i am still mad at you but i'm starting to get over it louise that's
09:38good you know i'll always be there for you well that's nice to know you see because at first i
09:43felt rejected by you hold that thought louise hi i just thought my way out to get a bag do you want to
09:48join me yeah why not oh i'm sorry i feel terrible that's okay it'll just take me a second to change
10:00my shirt well it's my fault for taking a chili dog in an amusement park ride well no it's my fault for
10:06screaming i didn't expect those horses to go up and down like that i can't believe you've never been to
10:13coney island of course you can't heather you grew up in china and you lived in india you spent time
10:19in england i did time in england you were in prison yeah for protesting offshore drilling it was just
10:25for a weekend haven't you ever done anything really crazy i was once detained ten minutes by supermarket
10:31security for stealing a banana it was a fraternity prank my mother had to come get me it was really
10:39really embarrassing i have to tell you i had a lot of fun today this was the best bagel i ever had me too
10:52well i guess we should be getting back to work yeah yeah i uh guess
10:56i just want you to know that i don't normally do this that's that's all right it's all right i don't
11:12do this normally where did that come from well i i wanted to impress this woman with our wit and
11:19there's no way to do that in-house so i hired a couple of joke writers buddy and sally from the dick
11:24van dyckshire oh how about some farm jokes these two pigs are talking to a cow oh come on come on
11:32are you insane we're in an apartment with a girl i gotta think of something sexy sexy how about me in
11:40tights we're not doing twilight zone can we get past the witty repartee and cut to the chase the chase
11:49hey that's a great idea maybe we could ever chase us oh this kid's a riot whose brother-in-law are you
12:00i i cannot believe we just met yesterday i know usually it's very awkward when you first meet
12:05someone i feel very comfortable with you i i feel the same way i've never shared that banana story
12:10with anyone i think that's probably for the best
12:12this is going rather nicely okay where are the prophylactics i don't know egypt
12:24the condoms you idiot we have to get condoms aren't you being a little presumptuous well just in case
12:31i'll just be a second hurry back
12:46i'm right here oh my god those are the hairiest armpits i've ever seen
12:52well exactly how bushy were they they were bushy it's no big deal well how bush i don't know average
13:04bushy it's not a big deal average for a man bushy or average for a woman jay average for a woman is clean
13:12shaven so they were average for men i don't know a young man or an old man what difference does it
13:20make or are you it makes a big difference i'm sorry jay i don't know how to answer that all right
13:25let's let's try a different tack shall we uh when do you suppose she shaved last i don't know how does
13:30one gauge something like that by the size and shape and texture of the bush
13:38so i ask again how bushy were they
13:40look like she had a rabbi under each other
13:53conservative or reform
13:56i don't know this whole thing sounds pretty gross
14:00i'm sorry but i gotta go with jay on this one come on are we so pathetic i know i am
14:05are we so pathetic that we're gonna change our mind about a woman over a little hair
14:10it gives me the willy something awful an exciting woman like heather comes once in a lifetime just
14:17deal with it why don't you just ask her to shave him jay don't you think that's a little presumptuous
14:22well hetty hetty if you're going out with a guy and he asked you to shave a part of your body you
14:27don't normally shave would you find that offensive well that doesn't really apply i shave everywhere i like
14:33to glisten jay there's no need to discuss shut up herm teddy has the floor look jay i'm sorry that
14:43you have a hang-up over something as trivial as body hair but i'm not gonna let something like
14:46that ruin what could be for me a perfect relationship well good good for you huh
14:53louise the limo will be by saturday at seven sharp to pick you up okay okay i'm really looking forward
14:59to this surprisingly so am i see you still mad at me louise yes no i'm sorry i've been so hard on
15:09you herman i have to admit jay seems quite genuine about this and you've really been very charming
15:13i guess it means that jay really can be a gentleman sometimes herm it's really bugging me you just got
15:17to tell her man shave them pits or take a hike
15:26it's back and done with the speech yet not quite oh damn i'll be back in five minutes
15:30hey just sit here this is big finish and there's no prouder boast than to say ick benign researcher
15:38it's hot in here yeah let me help you with that is it my imagination or have they grown out a
15:55little in the last couple of days no they've grown out a lot i thought we were okay with this we are we
16:04are it's no big deal besides it's not like anyone's gonna notice whoa i didn't expect to find don king
16:13under there any liquor at this table don't worry mr bracken i'm sure many people enjoyed your speech
16:25of course they did they were in trance until some enemy of knowledge yelled out boo you stink
16:29come on mr bracken i'll buy a drink well listen if jay comes back tell him i went out to get some hair
16:37uh air you know it's kind of cold in here maybe you should put your jacket back on no i'm fine thanks
16:45you know what i would like to do make another one of those bagel trips where we end up back
16:49at your apartment oh yeah hey herm hey oh hi hi i'm jay i'm heather very nice to meet you
16:59i'm gonna go out and get a drink right back all right boy you weren't kidding what her pants look
17:07like the road company a fiddler on the roof jay where the hell have you been the bathroom you've
17:13been gone for an hour yeah yeah ain't nothing but fruit till noon jay all right all right i had to
17:19pick up my other date what other date well you sprung for a limo i had to take advantage of it jay you are
17:24supposed to be on a date with louise how can you do that yeah don't you worry about the logistics
17:28pal i'll figure it out thanks for your concern no jay come on herman let's make the most of this let's
17:34dance oh dear god
17:43hi jay where you been you didn't hear several of us got locked in the freezer the freezer
17:51yeah huh look jay i know you don't really want to be here so maybe it'd be best if you just left
17:57now huh oh i really appreciate that i'll see you out bye
18:06you gonna be okay i was really looking forward to tonight really i didn't think it mattered to
18:11you that much well it did oh oh well gee i feel terrible now is there any way i could make this up to
18:19you can let me hit you in the face as hard as i can i would uh but i have a glass jaw all right
18:26then give me one dance we'll call it even but the way i dance i'd rather you hit me in the face
18:34i was just bluffing i was setting you up for the right all right i'll dance i'll dance but i'm
18:39telling you i'm not not very good at that's okay a year ago i wasn't much of a boxer either
18:59jay i don't know what you're so worried about you're not a bad dancer really because i could
19:03not feel more awkward why oh i was a very uncoordinated kid my nickname was doofus i thought
19:10your nickname was chubby yeah i had a lot of nicknames as a child can we keep dancing please
19:15jay you don't have to feel self-conscious around me we're friends
19:20louise i'm really sorry i ruined your evening and i hope you don't think any less of me
19:24couldn't possibly think any less of you than i already do
19:27well nowhere to go but up wow thanks for the dance sure
19:36louise how about one more
19:44all right
19:49are you okay i'm fine fine i think i'll have another glass of champagne waiter
19:55where's the punch would you stop doing that it didn't do it neither did i i did it you but i
20:03thought you agreed it was no big deal it is a big deal it's a big hairy deal you can rationalize it
20:09you can talk it away but it's a simple fact when it's all said and done a woman with underarm hair
20:14is an oddity a freakish crime against nature and as a wise man once said it gives me the willy something
20:23awful heather i don't know how to put this but it really bothers me that you don't shave your armpits
20:32oh is that what's going on i know it's silly and i thought i could get past it but i can't
20:38well i knew there were a lot of shallow men out there who couldn't deal with a woman
20:41breaking convention expressing her own individuality i just didn't think you were one
20:44of them i have no problems with you expressing your individuality i just wish you did it like everyone
20:49else do you hear what you're saying it's not me it's it's society and the media has perpetuated
20:57this physical ideal and i'm as much a victim as you more really nice trying maybe we could compromise
21:06how could you maybe trim them back a little
21:11goodbye heather come on can we work this out i don't have anything to work out you do heather
21:23please you won't believe what i just did i just blew it with heather is there something wrong with
21:27me she's exciting she's smart she's fun how can i let something so trivial come between us i can't
21:32just let her walk away can i louise who you're absolutely right i should go after her thank you
21:42for this talk what you're talking about who
21:53relation of europe and now with the eastern block opening up that's about 200 million women let's see
21:59200 million women averaging about two pits of peace i'll be at the map pinhead where's europe
22:08maybe you've heard of euro disney oh yeah i love those greek sandwiches
22:12keep shaving
22:15keep shaving
22:20you
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