- 4 weeks ago
Mr. Bracken takes over a hotel that belongs to his brother-in-law.
Jay signs himself and Herman up to compete against each other on a television game show.
Jay signs himself and Herman up to compete against each other on a television game show.
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FunTranscript
00:00Dangerous.
00:01Trouble.
00:03That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:05Is that all you can think about?
00:07Food and sex?
00:09Yes.
00:10Please, focus.
00:11Look out!
00:19Hey, it's Jack!
00:22No time for small talk, we're late.
00:25Teddy, hold the elevator.
00:27Teddy.
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:38I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:40I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:43And I think you are all idiots.
00:45That's gonna work!
01:00Good morning, everyone.
01:01Herman, you're late.
01:02I want these files gone. I want that Spencer article proof. And check that article on dirt.
01:13That's a giggle, isn't he?
01:14He's just upset. Apparently, before he and his wife separated, she made him invest in her brother's hotel up at Lake Winnetonka.
01:30So?
01:31So?
01:32My brother-in-law's a moron. He's running that place into the ground.
01:35Yeah, the hotel business can be pretty tricky. I once invested in a couple of hotels. I lost a bundle.
01:45Louise, you invested in a hotel? What happened?
01:48Nobody landed on Marvin Gardens the entire game.
01:52I don't know what his problem was. Hell, I could have made that place work.
01:57Why don't you? Here's what you do. Invest a couple more bucks and you take controlling interest. Then you crush him.
02:04You wipe him out financially and destroy his life, leaving him a bitter, broken shell of a man.
02:10Petty, you're talking about my wife's brother.
02:14Yeah, I'll do it.
02:18You're really gonna take over a hotel?
02:20Helen always said I could run it better than he could. Now's my chance to prove it.
02:25Besides, if the Golden Girls can do it, how hard can it be?
02:31And just to show you it's a good investment, I'll put up some money, too.
02:34Well, Hetty, if you're willing to take a chance, so am I. I'll go call that loser right now.
02:39Here they are, Slim. Two round-trip tickets to Cabo San Lucas.
02:44Great. I can't wait. You don't think it's gonna be a problem that I don't speak Spanish?
02:47Of course not. Just remember this one phrase.
02:50Hava lo que quiere conmigo. Solo deja a la mujer.
02:56Oh, God. That's beautiful. What does it mean?
02:59It means do whatever you want to me. Just leave the woman alone.
03:05Hopefully I won't have to use it.
03:08See you Friday.
03:09Okay.
03:10Elizabeth, I caught your story in Manhattan Weekly, and I gotta admit, I hated it. It was unreadable.
03:16Then learn to read.
03:20Nice girl.
03:21Yeah.
03:22On a happier note, my editor has just handed me a plum assignment, Herm. It is a cover story.
03:26Oh, great. What's the story about?
03:27It's an expose on that game show where two best friends go out with the same girl.
03:31You mean Best Buddies?
03:32Louise, the women on Best Buddies are trash. I can't believe you watch that show.
03:37Not only do I watch, I play the home version all the time.
03:41But, much like Monopoly, nobody's ever landed on me.
03:48We go down to the studio this afternoon for our preliminary meeting.
03:51Whoa, Jay, back up. What do you mean, we?
03:53You and I. In order to write the story, I have to go undercover on the show.
03:57And since you're my best buddy, you're coming with me.
03:59My editor wants two writers on this. Writers, Hermo.
04:03We are not going to jeopardize our relationship with Elizabeth over some stupid article.
04:06Damn right. We're gonna jeopardize it over a chance to bag a trashy woman.
04:11Look, we're going to do this to advance our career.
04:14Elizabeth makes a lot more money than we do, she's a lot more successful, and I am tired of feeling inferior.
04:20You kinda get used to it after a while.
04:24No, Elizabeth is too important. We're not doing it.
04:27I can't, Jay. Elizabeth and I are going away on vacation.
04:30Excuse me? You pass up a chance to get your name on a cover story and help out a friend,
04:34just so you can go on vacation with White Fang?
04:38We've had these plans for a long time.
04:40Well, look, at least come down to the preliminary meeting with me until I can dig up another writer, okay?
04:44Alright, I guess I can do that. Thank you.
04:47Eddie! It's done!
04:48We now have controlling interest of the inn at Lake Winnetonka.
04:51Put her there, partner.
04:53Oh, this is a very exciting undertaking, and I'm thrilled to be in business with you.
04:58And if you'll just put in as much hard work and enthusiasm as you do here in the office, then...
05:04What have I done?
05:07What have I done?
05:08Oh, check it out. This is it, Herm. The set of Best Buddies. We're gonna have a lot of fun.
05:25Well, I might have had a lot more fun if you hadn't signed me up as an unemployed landfill supervisor.
05:30Producers can't find out we're writers or it's goodbye story.
05:34Well, why couldn't I have at least been employed?
05:36Because they want real people for this.
05:38And what are you supposed to be?
05:40I'm a race car driver slash neurosurgeon.
05:46And Jay, don't touch the TV.
05:48It's not a TV. It's a very expensive professional monitor.
05:55Just walk away.
05:58Nichols! Brooks!
05:59Peter, Jerry Parker, host!
06:01Hey!
06:02Hi.
06:03Guys, I'm a romantic knucklehead at heart.
06:05There's nothing I like better than to see two best friends fight over the same girl.
06:08Sound good?
06:09It is.
06:10Send out the bait.
06:11Aren't we getting in a little deep here?
06:13He's right.
06:14Remember our vacation with Elizabeth? We can't go on this show.
06:17Look, this is our opportunity to get our name on a very interesting article.
06:21We stand here as a writer.
06:22In point of fact, we stand here an unemployed landfill supervisor.
06:26We're not doing this. We're turning our back on this whole thing.
06:32Okay, okay.
06:35And here comes our lovely lady now, Greta Johansson.
06:46Hello, Greta!
06:47Greta!
06:54Greta, come meet your dates. Jay Nichols, Herman Brooks.
06:57Nichols is a race car driver and a neurosurgeon.
07:00Brooks, does something with garbage.
07:04It's nice to meet you.
07:05You look like you could use a good spanking.
07:07Well, I have been very naughty.
07:12Okay.
07:13Tomorrow night, you go out on your dates.
07:15First with the garbage man.
07:16Then with Dr. Nichols.
07:19Then you come on the show.
07:20We play our game.
07:21And we see which one of you Greta chooses to go on her dream vacation.
07:24All clear?
07:25Have a great time.
07:27I'll see you later, boys.
07:29Oh, and don't worry.
07:31Tomorrow I'll wear something sexy.
07:32I cannot believe how sleazy this show is.
07:37Then that's our angle.
07:38That's what we write about.
07:39Jay, if I cancel my vacation with Elizabeth, she'll kill me.
07:43What are you doing?
07:44I'm trying to see where she attaches the leash.
07:46Okay.
07:47Jay, it has nothing to do with that.
07:48Yes, it does, man.
07:49First, she ties up your vacation plans.
07:50Before you know it, she's got you decorating your bedroom in Laura Ashley fabrics.
07:56Look, let me just leave you with this one thought, okay?
07:58You want to go on vacation, go on vacation.
08:00You want to write a cover story, write a cover story.
08:02Just make sure you do it because you want to.
08:04Not because she wants you to.
08:06You think about that.
08:11Walk away, walk away.
08:19Well, we did it.
08:20We now own a controlling entrance of the inn at Lake Winnetonka.
08:24Mr. Bracken, you don't seem too happy.
08:26They neglected to tell me a few details until after I'd signed the papers.
08:30A few minor details.
08:32Minor?
08:33The lake is only three inches deep.
08:37It's not a lake.
08:38It's a freaking swamp.
08:41Tell her about the leeches.
08:43So the swamp has a few leeches.
08:45The place is lousy with them.
08:48The plumbing is bad.
08:49The walls are cracked.
08:50The whole building is falling down.
08:52There he is again, Mr. Negative.
08:55Oh, yeah.
08:56I found out what Winnetonka means.
08:58It's Iroquois for, for God's sake, get your foot out the swamp.
09:01There's leeches in there.
09:07Don't forget to pack a sport coat because I want to go out to a nice place.
09:10And don't worry about bags.
09:11We'll use mine.
09:12Yours would never stand the trip.
09:13And I've got plenty of spending money, so don't worry.
09:16Elizabeth, guess what?
09:17I have a chance to write a cover story.
09:19What?
09:20Herman, that's wonderful.
09:21Not completely.
09:22It may interfere with our vacation.
09:23Well, can't it wait until after?
09:25Actually, no.
09:26The article's about the show Best Buddies, where two guys go out with one girl.
09:29I'm posing as a contestant.
09:33Along with Jay.
09:34Thanks for understanding.
09:35Well, I have to go now.
09:36Herman.
09:37So, this is Jay's handiwork.
09:38Well, he'll do anything to break us up.
09:40This has nothing to do with Jay.
09:42Yes, it does.
09:43He hates the fact that you have a girlfriend.
09:45Can't you see that?
09:46This is about my career.
09:48I think I ought to be able to do it if I want.
09:50Fine.
09:51Jay doesn't want you to go on the vacation.
09:53You don't want to go on the vacation.
09:54I don't want you to go on the vacation.
09:58Great, so we're all in agreement.
10:01Anyone that's looking for us will be up at Lake Winnetonka.
10:03There's been an emergency.
10:04We don't know that.
10:05They're not killer bees.
10:06They're probably just mad.
10:18Well, that was a very nice dinner.
10:20Jay will be here to pick you up for his part of the date any minute.
10:23Well, we don't have very much time.
10:25So let's do it.
10:27Excuse me?
10:28You know they expect us to do it, so we have a little something to say on the show.
10:31So let's do it.
10:33I'm not doing it.
10:36Oh, I get it.
10:37Someone's being a naughty boy.
10:39Well, maybe you'd like a little spanking.
10:42What is it with you and the spanking?
10:48Jay, thank God you're here.
10:50Well, okay.
10:51Come on, Greta.
10:52Your night has just begun.
10:54Oh, no.
10:55I am not through with the naughty one yet.
10:57Jay, help.
10:58She's gonna spank me.
10:59Whoa!
11:00Whoa!
11:01Greta!
11:02Herman?
11:03Herman, I came to apologize for...
11:09Hi, honey.
11:12How's the article going?
11:14Good.
11:15Good.
11:16Well, I can see you're in the middle of something, so I'll just be leaving your life now.
11:24While we were up at the hotel, the health department shows up.
11:28I have never seen so much fuss over leaky toilets.
11:31So what if it's above the kitchen?
11:35Ew.
11:36Anyway, what made those people sick with those gray market clams you bought from those poachers?
11:42When I say 50% on those clams, I didn't hear anyone say,
11:45Hey, that's not a refrigerated truck.
11:49Anyway, I gotta bring the place up to code or they're gonna shut me down.
11:52I want out.
11:53Wait a minute.
11:54You're the one who got me into this.
11:55You're not going anywhere.
11:57Okay, then this is what we'll do.
11:58Declare bankruptcy.
12:00Never!
12:01A Bracken has never declared bankruptcy.
12:03It's unthinkable.
12:04So what are you gonna do?
12:05Fake my own death.
12:09Hi, Herman.
12:10How was your TV dream date?
12:12I don't wanna talk about it.
12:14Hello, Elizabeth.
12:15Please don't hang up.
12:16I just...
12:17Damn!
12:18You know, I saw that Best Buddies show last night, Herman.
12:21I think it's interesting the way they send the contestants to the vacation spot of their choice.
12:26Very interesting.
12:29Herman, I'm in big trouble.
12:31Maybe you could plug the hotel while you're on the show?
12:34Mr. Bracken...
12:35Herman, just do it!
12:38I'm sorry.
12:39I'm a little tense.
12:42Mr. Bracken, I'd love to plug your hotel for you, but I'm not going on the show.
12:47Fine.
12:48I understand.
12:49You wouldn't happen to have any dead friends that resemble my description, would you?
12:56Never mind.
12:59Herman, what is this about you not going on the show?
13:01I'm sorry, Jay, but this thing has caused enough trouble between Elizabeth and me as it is.
13:05I see what's going on here.
13:06You're choosing her over me, aren't you?
13:08It's not what this is about.
13:09Man, this girl doesn't want anyone else in your life but her.
13:12She doesn't even want you to have a friend.
13:14I cannot go on that show.
13:16Fine.
13:17Elizabeth doesn't want you to go on the show.
13:18You don't want to go on the show.
13:19I don't want you to go on the show.
13:22Great.
13:23So we're all in agreement.
13:25Terrific.
13:26Everyone we know is mad at us.
13:28Any bright ideas on how we're going to get out of this mess?
13:30I have an idea.
13:31Excuse me.
13:32I am the idea man around here.
13:34Oh, okay.
13:38What's your idea?
13:40Oh, well, we go on the show and Jay likes us again.
13:43We invite Elizabeth and she sees nothing happen between Gret and us.
13:46We get to plug Bracken's hotel.
13:48Wow.
13:49And we get to write an article.
13:51Hey, that's not bad.
13:52Where'd you get that idea?
13:53I traded four nervous breakdowns and a frog for it.
13:57You wanna see my frog?
14:03Jay, hold on.
14:09When we're on the air, don't let the truth get in the way of a good story.
14:13Can we have something sexy for this woman to wear?
14:18Hermo, you absolutely made the right choice, man.
14:21Friends like us, we gotta stick together.
14:23Remember, let me win because I'm nuts about Greta.
14:25I gotta go check my makeup.
14:29Herman, I wanna thank you for agreeing to plug the hotel.
14:33Now, plug it and plug it hard.
14:34I'll tell you what, when they ask us all where our dream vacation would be, I'll say Lake Winnetonka.
14:40Now, I came up with a little song I'd like you to sing on the air.
14:43Louise?
14:44Lake Winnetonka, it's a hit.
14:50Lake Winnetonka, it's a place to sit.
14:53Lake Winnetonka, bring a kid, get a free car.
14:59Lake Winnetonka, why not?
15:02It'll be great when you find a tune for it.
15:07That is the tune.
15:09Now, you may wanna mention that during the summer, sulfur bubbles up through the lake.
15:15I think they're gonna like that.
15:17Heddy, I told Herman about the song.
15:20I think he's gonna sing it on TV.
15:22Forget the song.
15:23Repeat after me, bankruptcy.
15:25No, the song will work.
15:27Listen, why don't you guys have a seat?
15:30Wow, Herman, this is so cool.
15:32I mean, look at this set.
15:34Just look, it's so tiny in real life.
15:37Look, it's Peter Jerry Parker.
15:40Oh my God, he looks so tiny in real life.
15:44Louise, go sit with Mr. Bracken and Heddy.
15:46They look so tiny in real life.
15:5060 seconds to tape, guys.
15:52Herman, we gotta go.
15:53It is she.
15:54What is she doing here?
15:55Oh, thanks for coming.
15:56You invited her?
15:57Jay, wait for me over there.
15:59Herman.
16:00Jay.
16:01Elizabeth, just to prove to you that nothing happened on that date,
16:04I'm about to go in front of 20 million people and make a fool of myself.
16:09Herman, I've been thinking, and you don't have to do this just to convince me.
16:12I don't?
16:13It's showtime, pal.
16:17You couldn't have told me that earlier.
16:21Either order the lobster or lose the bit.
16:27Alright, let's meet our best buddies!
16:30Here we have Dr. Jay Nichols, race car driver and neurosurgeon.
16:44And his best buddy, garbage man, Herman Brooks.
16:47Look, look, just to clear it up, I am not a garbage man.
16:52That's right, Herman's actually...
16:54Unemployed!
16:56And now let's get to our beautiful Femme Fatale.
16:59She's 24-year-old Greta Johansson, a singer, actress, dancer, model,
17:03who hopes to work someday with disadvantaged youth.
17:06First question!
17:10Tell us which best buddy Greta is referring to.
17:13When I went out on a date with blank, he was like a Timex.
17:17He took a licking, and he kept on ticking.
17:20You didn't.
17:23Of course I didn't.
17:24Obviously, she's talking about you.
17:26Alright boys, time's up!
17:28She is talking about Jay.
17:30No!
17:31It's you, Hermie!
17:33What?
17:35You rat, she told me nothing happened.
17:37Nothing did happen.
17:40Nothing happened!
17:42Easy does it, Studley.
17:44I'm a little confused here.
17:47Did I miss a meeting?
17:49No!
17:50We never even touched this woman.
17:51I don't understand what's going on.
17:54Hey, it wasn't my plan.
17:58Nothing to worry about.
17:59Everything is under control.
18:03Okay.
18:04Blank didn't need a map to find his way under the table and to my lap.
18:11Okay, that was definitely Jay.
18:13No, it's you again, Hermie!
18:17What's going on?
18:18I can't believe you were grabbing her under the table.
18:20Jay, I was supposed to be mine.
18:22It looked like the garbage man was taking out the trash while the doctor was out.
18:29Oh, come on.
18:30That is not funny.
18:31I did not touch her.
18:33I was not taking out the trash.
18:36Will you sit down?
18:37I'm sorry.
18:39What the hell is going on here?
18:41It's quite obvious what's going on.
18:43She's embellishing her answers for the sake of the show.
18:46We're a dead man because of your plan.
18:48Give it time!
18:50Give it time!
18:52Okay, last question.
18:56Blank was a perfect gentleman.
18:58First he drove me home, and then he drove me home.
19:00Oh.
19:04I'm guessing that's me.
19:05You're right!
19:06Congratulations, Hermann!
19:08You and Quiver are going on our dream day!
19:12So what's that destination gonna be?
19:15Oh, oh, I thought we'd go to Lake.
19:16Cabo San Lucas!
19:17No!
19:18Cabo San Lucas it is!
19:19Cabo San Lucas it is!
19:22Time we've got, ladies and gentlemen.
19:24Goodnight!
19:25No!
19:28That's it.
19:29Clear the set.
19:31I'll see you in Cabo.
19:32And I'll see you on the set of Ex Buddies next time around.
19:35Jay!
19:36Well, Hermann, that certainly cleared things up for me.
19:38Elizabeth, none of what that girl said was true!
19:40We never...
19:41A simple song, Hermann!
19:43I ask you to sing a simple song!
19:47I can't live like this having everyone mad at us!
19:49And for what?
19:50We didn't get to sleep with Greta.
19:51We'll probably never get to sleep with Elizabeth again.
19:54Will you quit sweating?
19:57Look at that puddle you're making!
19:58Someone can slip and hurt themselves!
20:00Don't worry, I have a plan.
20:01I'm gonna take care of this right now.
20:03I'm in complete control of...
20:04Wah!
20:08I found your frog.
20:23Morning, everyone.
20:24We're not talking to you.
20:28Louise?
20:29I'm mad at you too, Hermann.
20:31What did I do to you?
20:32Nothing personal, just office politics.
20:34Louise, did you make those phone calls like I asked you to?
20:40Ah!
20:41Yes, I did, Hermann.
20:42But don't tell anybody I helped you out.
20:44Politics.
20:47Thank you, Louise.
20:51Here's my Moynihan interview, though I'd like to know why I had to deliver it personally.
20:55Louise, what the hell is this about my spring flowers article?
20:58That was checked over a month ago.
20:59Maybe you both should ask Hermann.
21:01Hermann.
21:03Guys, we need to talk.
21:04Nothing to say.
21:05I'm out of here.
21:06Me too.
21:07Mom, you honestly think I'd go to Cabo San Lucas with Greta?
21:10Please, Hermann.
21:11Don't rub it in.
21:12You stole Greta and you're going to Cabo.
21:13Jay, I did not steal Greta from you.
21:15I sold her my ticket.
21:16She's going with her mom.
21:17So what do you want me to do, Hermann?
21:19Forgive you for sleeping with her on that date?
21:21Jay, tell her.
21:23Jay, nothing happened on our date with Greta.
21:27Now, you believe me?
21:28Fine.
21:29I believe you.
21:30Then what are you so angry about?
21:32I'm angry because he's obviously more important to you than I am.
21:35I am?
21:36Hey, I win.
21:37Yes!
21:38Guys, this is not a contest.
21:40So you've both got to make me stop choosing between you because I'm tired of it.
21:44Well, Jay is my friend.
21:47Elizabeth is my girlfriend.
21:49You both have to accept that, okay?
21:51Fine.
21:52Fine.
21:53Okay.
21:54So what are you doing tonight?
21:55So what are you doing tonight?
21:56I knew him first.
21:57But I sleep with him.
22:00Call me when you have some free time, Herbert.
22:04I win.
22:05Yes!
22:06Elizabeth.
22:07Sorry.
22:08Write a good article.
22:09I will.
22:10I will.
22:19Thursday, when...
22:20Martin has a mouse in his house...
22:22Hi, Dave McCall from WPR-RFM here.
22:24Flying Blind, followed by Whoop, up next on Fox TV 8.
22:28...on an all-new Martin, right after the Simpsons.
22:30Now, stay tuned for Flying Blind.
22:51This city is exciting.
22:53Dangerous.
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