- 14 minutes ago
Herman's boss tasks him with helping his childhood crush, Maureen McCormick (from The Brady Bunch), research her memoir, leading to comical scenarios as his inner thoughts (the "Heads") react to meeting his idol.
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00:00Research.
00:02I'll see if he's in.
00:04Whom shall I say he's calling?
00:06Maureen McCormick?
00:08Do you know that you're the same name as that actress who played Marsha Brady?
00:12Yeah, right. Who is this really?
00:14What's going on, Louise?
00:16This woman on the phone insists she's Marsha Brady.
00:20I'm sorry, Mr. Bracken can't talk to you right now.
00:22He's on the phone with Flipper.
00:26What a crackpot.
00:28What a crackpot.
00:32This city is exciting.
00:34Dangerous.
00:36Troubled.
00:38That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:40Is that all you can think about?
00:42Food and sex?
00:44Yes. Please, focus.
00:46Look out!
00:54Hey, it's Jack!
00:56No drivers from all time. We're late.
01:00Petty, hold the elevator!
01:02Petty!
01:10I think Louise is so sweet.
01:12I think this woman is wearing underwear.
01:14I think there's too many people in this elevator.
01:18And I think you are all idiots.
01:20That's gonna work!
01:22Oh, you look!
01:24Yeah!
01:26Oh, I'll have a look!
01:27Droubled.
01:28Oh, I'll have a look!
01:30Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:32Oh, oh, oh.
01:34Oh, oh, oh.
01:36Oh, oh.
01:38Research, where does virgin wool come from?
02:01I don't know, the sheep that can run the fastest?
02:05I'll get back here.
02:08Herman, are you familiar with the actress Maureen McCormick?
02:12Sure.
02:13Well, she's in town. I'd like for you to meet her.
02:16Oh, my God, that really was her.
02:19So maybe that guy I hung up on last week really was I.P. Freely.
02:25You know Maureen McCormick? How?
02:28Well, my sister was the teacher on the set of The Brady Bunch.
02:31No kidding? Wow, I've had a crush on her as long as I can remember. I'd love to meet her.
02:35I suppose next time my sister's in town, I could introduce you.
02:39No, I wasn't talking about your sister. I was talking about Maureen McCormick.
02:43Oh, I couldn't imagine why you'd have a crush on my sister. She's twice your age, three times you wait.
02:50So why do you want me to meet Maureen?
02:52Oh, she's working on a project called Birth Control Matters. She's writing a book on it.
02:55I thought you'd be the perfect one to do the research.
02:58We're going to meet Maureen McCormick.
03:00The first time we've actually been excited about doing research.
03:03Wrong.
03:04The first time we got excited about research was when we read that article about female enrollment at our nation's universities.
03:10Are you referring to that layout you made us read in the back of the school bus, Naked Babes of the Big Ten?
03:21Yeah, that's the one.
03:24Mr. Bracken, I appreciate you thinking of me. I'd love to work on the book.
03:27Fine. I'll arrange for you to meet her tonight at McAnally's.
03:30And remember, if you do a good job on the research, you might get to co-write the book.
03:34Oh, by the way, Maureen says she was dealt with very rudely on the phone today.
03:44She didn't get the woman's name, but she said her voice was exactly like that of a cartoon character.
03:53Joan, can I see you in the office, please?
03:55It wasn't me, Mr. Bracken. I swear, I don't know what you're talking about.
04:04Please, what are you doing here?
04:16I'm here for the fine cuisine.
04:19Yeah, a little voice in my head tells me you're here to gawk at Maureen McCormick.
04:23Oh, so all of a sudden I'm nothing more than a little voice, huh?
04:27Well, it was either that or calling you a pathetic, wormy little weasel.
04:31That's more like it.
04:37All right, you busted me, Herman. I want to ask Maureen a few questions about acting.
04:41What kind of questions?
04:42Well, you see, my theater group is doing The Sound of Music, and I am playing Liesel,
04:46the shy but passionate 16-year-old daughter who experiences her breathless first exciting kiss with handsome young Rolf.
04:52Right, and?
04:53And I want to ask her if she thinks I should slip him the old tongue.
04:57You know, him being a Nazi and all.
04:59Oh, okay, Louise, but make it quick.
05:03I don't want her to feel like she's being descended upon by a bunch of lunatics.
05:06Is Marsha Brady here yet?
05:08God, is she here? Did you see her? What does she look like?
05:10Oh, God, I bet she still looks great.
05:12First of all, her name is Maureen, and no, she's not here yet.
05:16Oh, cool. Okay, I'll wait.
05:20Would you like to sit down?
05:21Yes, I would.
05:22How did you find out about this?
05:24I overheard Hedy talking about it in the ladies' room.
05:27What are you doing in the ladies' room?
05:29Oh, well, as a journalist, I've discovered that the ladies' room is an awesome place to get the inside scoop on all kinds of things.
05:35Plus, being in there excites me.
05:39It's like I got it working on two levels in there.
05:42Well, that raises several other questions that I'm not sure I want answered.
05:45Hey, hey, hey.
05:47Don't judge me, man.
05:52Louise, did you tell Hedy?
05:54She forced it out of me, I swear.
05:56How did she force it out of you?
05:57She said, what's new?
06:01Hedy, I've been expecting you.
06:03Well, I knew you guys would make a scene, so I came to lend support to Maureen.
06:07I think good-looking blonde women should stick together.
06:11I agree.
06:13Only not so much that you can't prime a part when you have to.
06:18I'm just helping her with her book.
06:20What is the big deal?
06:21The big deal is she's Marsha Brady.
06:24Could anyone hold a candle to her?
06:25I don't think so.
06:27She was beautiful.
06:28She could act.
06:29Well, who is better?
06:30Who is better?
06:31Jay.
06:31Who?
06:31Jay.
06:31No, who?
06:32Jay.
06:32Who?
06:32Jay, I think you're getting a little too worked up here.
06:34You've got to remember, Marsha Brady is a fictional character.
06:37She doesn't exist.
06:38Oh, now you've done it.
06:41I think he's going to cry.
06:44Like you didn't have a childhood crush on her.
06:48It's true, we did.
06:49When we were a kid, then we had plenty of crushes.
06:53Yeah.
06:53Remember Betty Rubble?
06:54She had a great body, and she's kind of, you know, wild, with that bone in her hair.
07:07Kind of freaky.
07:09What did she see in Barney, anyway?
07:11Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet.
07:17Of course, I had many crushes as a child, but I'm an adult now.
07:25I mean, come on.
07:26Oh, good.
07:26Here's my Shirley Temple.
07:29Betty, what about you?
07:29Didn't you have a crush on a celebrity when you were a kid?
07:32Well, I did have one crush, but you're going to think it's stupid.
07:35Yeah?
07:36Who was it?
07:37Barney Rubble.
07:38Oh, there was something about those feet.
07:47Come on.
07:49I'd like you to meet Maureen McCormick.
07:51Oh, how do you do?
07:52Hi.
07:52She really does have hair of gold like her mother.
07:56Nice to meet you.
07:57Thanks, you too.
07:59Hi, I'm Louise Spitzer.
08:01Hi.
08:01Have we met before?
08:02Your voice sounds so familiar to me.
08:04Oh, I get that a lot.
08:05There are a lot of people who sound like me.
08:08Yeah, in Whoville.
08:12Oh, yeah.
08:13Louise's theater group is doing The Sound of Music, and I believe she wanted to ask you
08:17one acting question.
08:19Oh, just one, huh?
08:20Okay, then I'd better make it a good one.
08:22Oh, there's so many.
08:23I don't know which one to choose.
08:24It's the opportunity of a lifetime, and I can't make up my mind.
08:28Louise?
08:29Louise?
08:31How do you solve a problem like Maria?
08:33Ah!
08:34What a stupid question!
08:37Listen, I'm appearing off-Broadway in The Cherry Orchard.
08:40Why don't you bring your whole theater group?
08:41And then afterwards, you and the group can ask me whatever questions you like.
08:44Oh, really?
08:45That would be great.
08:46Thanks.
08:46Okay, well, so long.
08:48Farewell.
08:49Auf Wiedersehen.
08:50Goodbye.
08:53So, you're in Chekhov's place.
08:55Wow.
08:55You know, I gotta admit, I prefer Sulu.
09:04Come on, Nichols.
09:05They've got work to do.
09:06So, Mr. Bracken tells me you're writing a book about birth control.
09:12You know, I just researched a whole series of articles on that subject.
09:15Yeah.
09:15He says you're a great worker, and if he recommends you, then I know that you're the right man to
09:19write the book with me.
09:20Well, you think a lot of him, don't you?
09:22Yeah, I do.
09:23Although, when I was a kid, I was really frightened of him, which is so weird, because his sister
09:27was so sweet.
09:28Wonder what she's up to?
09:30Um, last I heard, about 300 pounds.
09:34300 pounds?
09:34That's wonderful.
09:35She lost weight.
09:36Uh, when can we get together?
09:40Well, I'd like to start as soon as possible.
09:41How about tomorrow morning?
09:42Great.
09:43Uh, we can work at my hotel.
09:45I'll see you at the Manchester at 10 o'clock.
09:47Okay, great.
09:48Great.
09:48Great, and I'll see you there.
09:49Thanks.
09:51All right, we're gonna get to work with Marsha.
09:54Marsha, you mean Maureen.
09:56Yeah, right, whatever.
09:58I have to admit, this is a great opportunity.
10:02I'll say.
10:02I'm talking about the opportunity to research safe sex with her.
10:08Oh, no, I know.
10:09I agree.
10:09Safe sex is very important.
10:12Remember last time we didn't stretch out before sex?
10:14Went to our ligament.
10:21So, how did that go?
10:25Well, looks like I'm going to be researching her book.
10:28And if all goes well, who knows, I might even help write it.
10:31Oh, man.
10:32Oh, I envy you.
10:34Oh, God.
10:35Working with Marsha Brady.
10:37Long nights alone in her hotel room with her, working closely.
10:41Then when the moment is right, you pull the Greg Brady maneuver.
10:44What?
10:45Greg Brady maneuver.
10:47You pretend you're yawning and you slip your arm around her.
10:50Okay, you're getting a little carried away here.
10:52I don't think of Maureen that way.
10:53Well, I do.
10:55So, would you please do me a favor and put in a good word for me?
10:57Please, I'm not kidding.
10:58I'm really crazy about it.
10:58Give me a little time to get to know her and then maybe you can meet me over at her hotel one evening.
11:02We'll go out or something.
11:03Oh, excellent.
11:04This is so cool.
11:07Jay, either get your arm off me or buy me a drink.
11:10Oh, sorry.
11:12Two beers?
11:22Then I'd like to cover some statistics, like how 50% of the unplanned pregnancies occur in women using their contraceptives incorrectly.
11:29Yeah, here's the research on that.
11:31Okay.
11:31And the last chapter, I'll describe all the different types of contraceptives.
11:36Boy, a lot has really changed since you and I were in high school, huh?
11:39Yeah, when I was in high school, the method I used was abstinence.
11:43Completely against my will, mind you, but very effective.
11:47Well, I guess that about wraps up the research.
11:56Okay.
11:57Thanks for all your help, Herman.
11:58Oh, now, what is the matter with you?
12:06Well, I've really enjoyed the time that we spent with Maureen, and now that the job is over, we won't be seeing her anymore.
12:13I can't talk to you.
12:16Hey, big guy, can you believe how emotional she's getting about this thing with Maureen McCormick?
12:22Oh, for God's sakes!
12:31You know, it's a big deal, all it means we can't write the book.
12:34The book!
12:35Wait a minute, maybe it's not too late.
12:39We can still write the book with her if we drop a few subtle hints.
12:42I'm not losing this, babe.
12:44I'll handle the subtle hints.
12:46Can I write the book with you, please?
12:49Well, to tell you the truth, I was going to ask you to help me.
12:52Really?
12:53Working with you is real easy.
12:56So many guys I know are so obsessed with who I used to play on TV that it's impossible to have any kind of working relationship with them.
13:03But you're not like that, Herman.
13:04And I really appreciate it.
13:06Did you hear what she just said?
13:08She likes us because we think of her as Maureen.
13:13Maureen.
13:15Maureen.
13:16Maureen.
13:23Marsha Brady kissed us!
13:30Well, I'll see you soon, partner.
13:34See you tomorrow, Herman.
13:56You stole my girl!
13:57You told me you weren't interested in Marsha.
14:04I'm not.
14:05I mean, I wasn't, but now I've gotten to know her and things are different.
14:09Yeah, I guess so, because suddenly you're kissing her.
14:11Well, she kissed me first.
14:13Come on, besides, I've had a crush on her since I was a kid.
14:15Well, I had a crush on her first.
14:17Oh.
14:18Well, fine, why don't we have a fight out on the playground after school to settle this?
14:21Well, that is fine with me.
14:23Let's go.
14:26Hey, come on, I was kidding.
14:27You know who you are.
14:29You're Doug Simpson.
14:31Who is Doug Simpson?
14:33Doug Simpson.
14:34Doug Simpson, the fair-weather friend.
14:36He wanted Marsha when she was all beautiful and perfect.
14:38Then when she got hit in the nose with a football, he was out of there.
14:40Okay, Jay, you're scaring me a lot.
14:47You're supposed to set us up.
14:48I come up here, you're making out with her.
14:49Can I help it if she likes me?
14:51Can I help it if I never speak to you again?
14:53Doug Simpson?
15:04Research.
15:05What's the biggest bird alive?
15:06Uh, the Australian emu, which, by the way, is also the biggest bird dead.
15:12Happy to help.
15:15Louise, how about we go to McAnally's after work and knock back a few?
15:17Jay's still not speaking to you, huh?
15:20Jay and I are fine.
15:21I just think you and I don't see enough of each other.
15:23You're right.
15:24We work here in the research room ten hours a day, five days a week.
15:26We're on the Waterton soccer team together.
15:28We talk every weekend.
15:29All right, all right.
15:29Jay's still not speaking to me.
15:31It's really starting to bother me.
15:32Hey, is that why you were in soccer practice yesterday?
15:34Because we really missed you.
15:35There's no one there to chase after the stray balls.
15:41Ah.
15:42Hello, Maureen.
15:43Hello, Mr. Bracken.
15:45I can't believe this.
15:46I'm a grown woman, and I still feel funny calling you anything but Mr. Bracken.
15:50You and his wife.
15:53You know, I've known you since you were a little girl.
15:56It's only natural you should call me by my surname.
15:59On the other hand,
16:01my wife is afraid I'll lock her out in the rain again.
16:03So, did you speak with your publisher?
16:10Yes.
16:11Well?
16:12Herman, I think you're a great guy,
16:14and I really hope that we can still see each other,
16:16but he wants to go with someone with more experience.
16:19Oh.
16:20Okay.
16:21Uh, no, I understand.
16:23What do you mean, we understand?
16:25Well, she tried to get us the job.
16:26We can't blame her if it didn't work out.
16:28That's true.
16:29Besides, a lot of good came out of this.
16:31We met a really great woman who's smart.
16:32And sexy.
16:33And knows about birth control.
16:36Wait a minute.
16:36I see what you're trying to do.
16:37You're trying to snow me.
16:40So I'll forget about the book,
16:41and we'll continue seeing her.
16:43Well, all right.
16:44Look, the book is a thing of the past,
16:46but we can still make this relationship work.
16:48It's all right.
16:48Your points are well taken.
16:49It's just going to be a long time before I cheer up.
16:53Getting icy in here!
16:56It didn't take as long as I thought.
17:00Well, I hope the new writer works out for you.
17:02And, you know, listen,
17:04if you're not doing anything for dinner...
17:05Marie.
17:06Hey, I thought I might find you here.
17:08We should get started.
17:08I'd like to get the first chapter done before the weekend.
17:11Sounds great.
17:12Jay?
17:14He's the new writer?
17:15Yeah, I found out they wanted a writer with experience,
17:17and I called upstairs and volunteered.
17:21Um, it's probably going to be a late night.
17:22We should get back to your hotel room and get started.
17:24I just got to grab a few things.
17:26I'll meet you downstairs, okay?
17:27Okay.
17:29Herman, are you okay with your friend Jay helping me with a book?
17:33Oh, yeah, of course I am.
17:35Jay's a great writer.
17:38Son of a bitch hack!
17:39I'm going to kill him!
17:40Herman, I know this is hard for you,
17:42but the truth is,
17:43Jay does have more writing experience than you.
17:45And you wouldn't have gotten the job anyway.
17:46So it's not like he stole it from you?
17:48Well, I never said he stole it from me.
17:49And you'll still be seeing Maureen, right?
17:51I suppose.
17:52So you're overreacting.
17:54Maybe it's not Jay's fault.
17:55I mean, it's not like Jay cooked up his plan
17:57to steal Maureen away from you.
17:58That's right.
17:59I'm being ridiculous.
18:00Although Jay has cooked up stranger plans to get women.
18:03And he is crazy about Maureen.
18:04Well, it doesn't mean Maureen's going to be interested in him.
18:06Yeah, but he doesn't have to sweet talk a woman.
18:08You ought to know.
18:10And he is really good looking.
18:11Who is he ever?
18:12And he'll be working in a hotel room.
18:14Jay's humped her?
18:14I ought to know.
18:16I'm a son of a bitch hack.
18:18I'm going to kill him.
18:20They're right.
18:21Jay did this to steal Maureen from us.
18:23I bet the two of them are somewhere laughing at us right now.
18:28Oh, that's nothing.
18:30You should see the way he runs
18:31when he's chasing after a soccer ball.
18:34I'll bet.
18:36That's just not true.
18:37I'll get that.
18:42I'll show you what they're doing.
18:47Oh, Jay.
18:48What a clever maneuver.
18:56He's breaking my heart.
18:58Jay is stealing Marcia.
18:59I'm going to kill him.
19:00No, no, no.
19:02Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold.
19:05Yeah.
19:06There's food?
19:09You know what?
19:10I think I'm going to head home.
19:11Are you going to be okay?
19:13Yeah.
19:13Yeah, Louise, I'm fine.
19:15You guys have really helped me through this, okay?
19:17I'm going to be all right.
19:19Oh, I think we really talked some sense into him.
19:22Yeah, I think he feels much better.
19:23He's going over there right now
19:26to make a fool of himself, isn't he?
19:27Big time.
19:32This is so embarrassing.
19:33Why are we doing this?
19:34Because Jay's in there stealing Marcia.
19:36Now, we're not sure about that.
19:38Well, where else could he be?
19:40Who is it?
19:41Oh, it's Herman.
19:46Oh, did I wake you?
19:49No, actually, I was up.
19:51Notice how she's not inviting us in?
19:53I think that's a little suspicious, don't you?
19:56I bet Jay's in there right now
19:59sitting in the hot tub and drinking champagne.
20:03Why don't you come in?
20:05Notice how she's inviting us in?
20:07Mm-hmm.
20:08Oh, she's shrewd, all right,
20:10but she's not fooling anyone.
20:12Mm-hmm.
20:15So, I guess you're here
20:17because Jay told you what happened.
20:20No.
20:20No, he didn't tell me,
20:21but I saw it coming.
20:23I'm sorry, Herman.
20:24I mean, you know how Jay is.
20:26I couldn't help it.
20:29Ah-ha-ha!
20:31I had to throw him out of here.
20:34What?
20:35Well, we were working on the book
20:37when suddenly he starts yawning.
20:38The next thing I know,
20:39he was trying to put his arm around me.
20:41When I told him I wasn't interested,
20:42he started blabbering out
20:43how he had some childhood crush on me.
20:46And at one point,
20:47he actually called me Marsha.
20:50Can you believe it?
20:52Oh, that is pathetic.
20:54I mean, the last thing I want
20:56is some guy who sees me
20:58as a television character.
21:01Herman,
21:02I'm so glad you're not like that.
21:05We've got to tell her the truth.
21:06We've got a good thing going here.
21:08Why spoil it with the truth?
21:10If we hope to have any relationship
21:12with her at all,
21:13we have to be totally honest with her.
21:14Well, if we're going to be totally honest,
21:16can we tell her until we were 12,
21:17we needed our mommy to help?
21:18Well, not that honest.
21:22You know,
21:23the truth is,
21:25there's a little part of me
21:26that does think of you as Marsha Brady.
21:29Oh, no.
21:31Not you, too.
21:32I know, it's stupid,
21:33but, you know, when you kissed me,
21:34all of a sudden,
21:35I was 12 years old again.
21:37And when I was 12,
21:38the woman in my life was Marsha Brady.
21:41I'm sorry.
21:41I'm just trying to be honest.
21:44Are you ever going to be able to
21:45think of me as who I really am?
21:48Oh, I'd sure like to give it a try
21:50because that's the person
21:51I'm really interested in.
21:54Well.
21:55Look, look, I mean,
21:56I know that you're going to be in town
21:57for another week.
21:58Maybe we could, uh,
21:59just see how it goes.
22:05Herman, it's late.
22:09Oh.
22:09Oh, no.
22:18Tomorrow, it's the Wild West,
22:29Fox style.
22:30Brisco takes on the world's first
22:32motorcycle gang
22:33and kicks some biker butt
22:35on an all-new Brisco County Junior,
22:37followed by an all-new episode
22:39of the X-Files,
22:40tomorrow on Fox.
22:41Let's see.
22:50Oh, my gosh.
22:51You stuff?
22:52You?
22:53You?
22:53You?
22:53You?
22:54You?
22:54You?
22:55You?
22:58You?
23:00You?
23:00You?
23:03You?
23:03You?
23:06You?
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