- 3 weeks ago
Herman is painting his apartment. An upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Parisi, complains about the noise. Meanwhile, Louise is concerned as Jay attempts to romance her.
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FunTranscript
00:00Yes. Please, focus. Look out!
00:10Hey, it's jacked!
00:13No time for small talk. We're late.
00:16Petty, hold the elevator.
00:18Petty!
00:26I think Louise is so sweet.
00:28I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:31I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:33And I think you are all idiots.
00:36That's gonna work!
00:37Hey, Louise. Thanks for helping me paint this crummy little dye.
00:45Hey, Louise. Thanks for helping me paint this crummy little dye.
00:59Ah, sure, Herman. Glad I could lend a hand.
01:01But I gotta tell you, I'm a little anxious about leaving my cat Nuppie alone.
01:04He's been acting up lately. If I'm gone too long, he just destroys the place.
01:07You really should do something about that cat.
01:09I've tried. I had him neutered. I had his tail cropped. I even had his claws removed.
01:13I'm running out of cat.
01:16He's become little more than a throw pillow with a great personality.
01:20Well, how long can you stay?
01:21I can stay up until the time Jay gets here. As soon as he shows, I blow.
01:25Why don't you want to see Jay?
01:27Oh, Herman. Ever since we went to that researcher's dinner together, he's been trying to romance me.
01:31He's making me nuts.
01:32Well, you said you had fun at the dinner.
01:34We did. It was great, but it was only one night.
01:36And you know Jay, he's only after one thing.
01:38And I am more than one thing.
01:39I am several things.
01:44Sorry, didn't mean to blow my own horn.
01:46Don't be silly. You are several things, Louise.
01:49I just hope one of them is a painter.
01:51And we can start right over there.
01:52Okay, sure.
01:53So, I guess I'm the first one here, huh?
01:55No, Mr. Bracken's been here a while.
01:57He's spent the last hour in the bathroom.
01:59Well, I suppose things take longer when you get to be his age.
02:03No, is that what you think, Louise?
02:04He's in there masking off.
02:17I better go.
02:19No, Louise, you don't understand.
02:21He's putting paper down on the floor so the mess will be easier to clean up.
02:31Don't tell me this, Herman.
02:34Hello, Louise.
02:35Paper's all down in there.
02:36No paint will spill on that floor.
02:38I'll start putting paper in the kitchen now.
02:43Well, Mr. Bracken, you don't have to put down all that paper.
02:45That'll take hours.
02:46Oh, I've got hours.
02:48There's no need for me to scurry on home anymore.
02:50Oh, Mr. Bracken, are you having trouble at home with Mrs. Bracken?
02:53Oh, I shouldn't burden you young people with my domestic misery.
02:57Okay, great.
02:57Here's a roller.
02:58Why don't you turn that wall to the leaves?
03:00And again, you're young.
03:01Why not?
03:02Well, Mrs. Bracken has changed, damn it.
03:04She's got all these strange ideas like reading Cosmo, wearing pants, weird stuff.
03:10Careful, soon she'll be boating.
03:14Turn off that damn jungle music down there, you rat bastard.
03:22Good Lord, Herman, what was that?
03:24No, it's the old woman in the apartment above me.
03:26Ugh, is she as horrible as she sounds?
03:28She's worse.
03:29All she does is sit up there and brood.
03:31Figures.
03:32I get back with my wife, then the perfect woman comes along.
03:35Hello.
03:36Ooh, I like what you've done so far.
03:37Oh, covering up that furniture is a definite improvement.
03:38Heddy, I'm surprised you came.
03:39Herman, I gave you my word I would help you paint, and I'm here.
03:40Heddy, you can't paint in that dress.
03:41Well, that's what I get for trying to help you.
03:42Lucky for me, I've got plans tonight.
03:43I told you to tell you.
03:44What?
03:45What?
03:46What?
03:47What?
03:48What?
03:49What?
03:50What?
03:51What?
03:52What?
03:53What?
03:54What?
03:55What?
03:56What?
03:57What?
03:58What?
03:59What?
04:00What?
04:01What?
04:02I told you to turn that damn music off.
04:07Herman, your date's here.
04:10Um, is there a problem?
04:13Yes, there's a problem, you pencil neck twerp.
04:16I'm trying to watch my programs upstairs and you're down here with your crack addict friends
04:22committing God knows what perversions.
04:25I thought so too, but it turns out he was just laying down paper.
04:29I'm sorry, I didn't realize the music was-
04:34Shut up or I'll have you thrown out of here!
04:37And knock off the racket!
04:39You know, you're not very nice.
04:42You know, there are no pets allowed in this building.
04:45Whoa, whoa, whoa!
04:46Elise, stay!
04:47Stay!
04:48Herman?
04:49You gonna let that woman talk to you like that?
04:51There's not a lot I can do about it.
04:52Come on, Herman, you gotta stick up for yourself!
04:54Yeah, this is New York.
04:55If you don't fight back, they don't respect you.
04:57Come on, we're talking about a frail old lady.
04:59Then you should be able to take her, provided you have the element of surprise on your side.
05:04Come on, she's been there forever. There's nothing I can do about it.
05:07Well, then look on the bright side.
05:08At least she has to spend her last several years stuck in a crummy apartment just like yours.
05:12Oh, wrong. She has a huge two-bedroom apartment.
05:15Hardwood floors, walk-in closets, a view. I'd kill for that place.
05:19Oh.
05:20Well, I'll handle it this time, Herman.
05:23Okay, you miserable sack of manure!
05:26Uh, you...
05:29He's all that.
05:30Oh, well, I think I should go help him.
05:34Stop slamming the door, you miserable sack of manure!
05:38Ha! Joke's on you! I'm from a farming community!
05:42Shut up, or I'll call the building manager!
05:46Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
05:48Shut up!
05:49That is it! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
05:51I have had it with you, you old bag!
05:53You shut up!
05:54Shut up!
05:55Shut up!
05:56Shut up!
05:57Shut up!
05:58Shut up!
05:59Shut up!
06:00Yeah, yeah!
06:04Get, get, get, get!
06:05Get!
06:08I hate to be a spoilsport, but shouldn't we apologize for losing our temper?
06:12Oh, come on! Look, we just stood up to her!
06:15You wanna go up there and capitulate?
06:16Hey, I will do a lot of things, but I will not capitulate with an 80-year-old woman.
06:22Listen to me.
06:23You're stupid.
06:24You're stupid.
06:32I gotta admit, standing up for myself feels great.
06:34Just this morning on the subway, some guy elbowed me out of the way just to get the last seat on the train.
06:38So just as the doors were closing, I rabbit-punched him in the back of the head.
06:44Boy Herman, first you pick a fight with an old lady, then you punch some guy when his back is turned.
06:48What's next, picking on small children?
06:50Well, if one of them crosses me, you know.
06:54Research.
06:55Herm, hey, it's Jay.
06:57Jay!
06:58You were supposed to help me paint yesterday. What happened?
07:00Oh, I'm in Kansas.
07:02I'm doing a story on the cattle industry.
07:06Yeah, yeah, well, there's still plenty to do next weekend when you're back.
07:09Okay, Herm, I don't really wanna be there.
07:12I know I'm your friend and everything, but I'm just, I'm not into it.
07:16Jay, remember last year when I spent all weekend helping you move?
07:19No, I have no recollection of this.
07:21Yeah, it's because you went to Atlantic City that weekend.
07:24Oh, yeah, that's right, I guess I owe you.
07:26Is Louise there?
07:28Louise, he wants to talk to you.
07:32Hi, Jay.
07:33Hey, Louise, how you doing?
07:34Fine, listen, can't talk now. Research waits for no man.
07:37Okay, cool, cool. I just, I just wanna know, did you see that little cactus I left for you on your desk?
07:42Yes, I did. Reach out to Sharper one of my pencils. One of the needles jabbed me in the thumb. I think it's infected anyway.
07:47It's passing up pretty good. Thanks anyway, guys. Bye.
07:51Uh, bye.
07:53Nice of Jay to call.
07:54Herman, I'd be flattered if I thought Jay was truly interested in me, but you know he only wants what he can't have.
07:59And he can't have me, no matter how many gifts he sends me.
08:02What has he sent you?
08:03Candy, a cactus, and this morning, a dozen Kansas City steaks showed up at my apartment with this note.
08:11From your rump roast to your tender loins.
08:15You're my USDA choice.
08:19He's quoting Keats.
08:21Louise, I'm gonna be gone for a couple of hours this afternoon.
08:25Oh, Mr. Bracken, where are you going?
08:27Marriage constantly. My loony wife seems to think it's important to talk about our problems.
08:31Well, don't you think talking could help?
08:33It is a proud Bracken tradition to keep silent and emotionally closed off.
08:41Morning, Hetty.
08:42Don't start with me, Herman. I've had a really bad night.
08:44Oh, Hetty, listen, we all have problems.
08:46Mr. Bracken's bickering with his wife, Jay's driving me nuts, and Herman's become a subway vigilante.
08:52What's your problem?
08:54I've been completely cut off by the man who's keeping me as his mistress.
08:57What are you talking about?
08:59Last night, my boyfriend was hit by a car, had a near-death experience, and now he's found God.
09:04And apparently, this whole mistress thing doesn't fit too well with the Almighty.
09:08So, he goes back to his wife. I lose my charge accounts and my free apartment.
09:14Well, Hetty, I guess there are risks when you fool around with a married man.
09:17It wasn't like that.
09:18Hakann was just a sweet, lonely Turkish mining tycoon who cared for me deeply.
09:23I'm sure he was married, but his wife just wasn't working out.
09:27They didn't get along?
09:28No, she never went to a gym.
09:31Not a sit-up and not a squat. The women was gross.
09:34Hetty, I still can't believe that you had sex for charge cards and rent.
09:40You know, they got a word for that where I come from.
09:43For your information, Louise, we hardly ever had sex.
09:46Hakann just liked taking care of me.
09:49I'm gonna miss him.
09:52My only one working here?
09:55Research.
09:57There's water dripping into apartment 3C.
09:59I'm sorry, it has to be in the form of a question.
10:01No, I can't help you.
10:02Well, uh...
10:03You see, that's my apartment.
10:04Hello, yes, this is Herman Brooks. I live in 3C.
10:08Uh, yeah, I'll be right there.
10:10I gotta go, Mr. Bracken.
10:11That vicious old hag left her water on.
10:13It's flooding into my apartment.
10:14Oh, I bet she did it on purpose, that old bat!
10:17Well, I am not letting her get away with it, the hideous old troll.
10:25Oh, trying to flood me out, huh?
10:28Fine.
10:29Fine, you're gonna leave your water on?
10:30Well, I am gonna leave my water on.
10:34Alright, that won't work.
10:36But I know what will.
10:40Hey, how about a little Sousa, sweetheart?
10:42You probably dated him!
10:44Oh, hi, Herman. Sounds like you're having a party.
10:53Got any hard liquor?
10:56No, I'm not having a party, Mrs. Parisi.
10:58Oh, I see. You got any hard liquor?
11:01Normally, I don't drink at this hour of the morning, but I was just so upset about what happened to old...
11:04What's-her-name upstairs?
11:05What's that over there, paint thinner?
11:08Uh, well...
11:11What, uh...
11:12What did happen to old Mrs. What's-her-name upstairs?
11:14Oh, well, you didn't hear?
11:15Oh, well, she was running the water for her bath yesterday, and for some reason, she stepped into the living room and pitched over dead with a massive heart attack.
11:22Right about there, where those marks are on the ceiling.
11:32Of course, someone's got a chance at a great apartment.
11:34You know, you ought to try for it, Herman.
11:36Yeah, I'd snag it for myself, but the last thing I need is to live another flight up after that nasty tumble I took last New Year's Eve.
11:42Well, thank God my hip flask broke my fall.
11:45Well, so long.
11:55Is it, uh, hello, is this Top Hat rental?
11:58Yes, I'll hold.
11:59We can't do this!
12:00Oh, don't be ridiculous.
12:01Just because we were banging on the ceiling does not mean we're responsible for her death.
12:05Yeah, she could've got a heart attack from a truck backfiring or from spicy bean dip.
12:09She could've walked in on Mom and Dad playing leapfrog naked.
12:16When are you gonna get over that?
12:19I still say taking that apartment is creepy.
12:22Yeah, listen, I'll call back.
12:29Morning, Louise.
12:30Morning, Herman.
12:31Louise, can I, uh, talk to you for a minute?
12:33Of course, Herman. My door is always open.
12:35Or it would be if I had a door.
12:37Thanks, you know...
12:39I'd offer you seats if they don't have a guest chair.
12:40That's okay.
12:41The thing is, my neighbor...
12:42I don't even have one of those cork walls that most low-level drones have around their desks
12:46so they can hang up a picture of their family or a poster that says,
12:48Hang in there, baby!
12:50Louise, you remember that...
12:51I got nothing, Herman. This job sucks.
12:52I'm going down to personnel, see if they have anything better.
12:57Thanks, Louise.
12:58Mr. Bracken?
13:05Mr. Bracken?
13:07Oh, I'm sorry, Herman. I didn't see you.
13:09This thing with Mrs. Bracken has me somewhat preoccupied.
13:14What can I do for you?
13:15Well, sir, I had a shouting match with that old woman upstairs, and she had a heart attack and died,
13:19so I think it might have been my fault.
13:24Mr. Bracken?
13:25Hmm?
13:27What do you think?
13:28Oh, I think that marriage counseling is a colossal waste of time and energy.
13:33Mr. Bracken, I'm talking about possibly killing a woman with a three-wood.
13:37Herman, I could never kill Mrs. Bracken with a three-wood.
13:41For one thing, with that woman, I'd be seriously on the club.
13:45Oh, I wouldn't want to just lay her up.
13:48No.
13:49I'd need a driver.
13:52Thanks, Mr. Bracken.
13:53I have to stop talking to you now.
13:58Well, that was quick.
13:59Never even made it to personnel.
14:00I was walking down the hall feeling bad because I had no door,
14:03and then I saw a man who had no desk.
14:07Louise.
14:09You remember that woman upstairs from me?
14:11That vile, contemptible shrew?
14:13Yes, yes.
14:14Well, she passed away the other night.
14:16Oh, no, she was so nice.
14:17I'm gonna miss her.
14:20You see, the thing is, I had that big blow-up with her,
14:22and then she had a massive heart attack.
14:24I feel awful about it.
14:25Oh, no, Herman.
14:26If a minor disagreement gave her a massive heart attack,
14:29then it was obviously her time.
14:31So if I was to take her apartment, that wouldn't be such a bad thing?
14:35No!
14:36And you need a new apartment, Herman.
14:38I mean, the way I see it, you're turning something bad into something good.
14:40It doesn't strike you as being ghoulish.
14:43Not if they remove the body first.
14:48You're right, Louise.
14:49You're absolutely right.
14:50I'm gonna go call that rental agency.
14:53Can you believe it, Herman?
14:54The bank bounced my check.
14:56Can you have the funds to cover it?
14:58How should I know?
14:59Khan needs to take care of all these things.
15:01I am so lost without him.
15:02Eddie, listen.
15:03I'm sorry that Khan has left you,
15:05but this could be a chance for you to take control of your life
15:08and turn something bad into something good.
15:11That's what I'm doing.
15:12This great apartment in my building just became available
15:14because of a tragic occurrence,
15:16but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to get it.
15:21Yes, uh, hello.
15:22My name is Herman Brooks from apartment 3C
15:24in the Chateau Maison building,
15:25and I'm interested in renting apartment 4C.
15:31Well, great.
15:32Great.
15:33Um, yeah, I'll be by at 2.30 to sign the papers.
15:37We can't take that apartment.
15:38Oh, look, relax.
15:39We did not kill the old bag.
15:42Wrong, Poindexter.
15:45You pounded out my floor till I had a heart attack and croaked.
15:49Look, let's not get all bent out of shape
15:52over a little myocardial infarction.
15:56We're sorry that your heart crapped out,
15:58but, uh, you can't stay here.
16:00Now run along.
16:01It's bingo time.
16:02Come on.
16:03Ow!
16:04Nothing doing.
16:05I'm here for good.
16:07A nagging reminder of what you did to me.
16:13I can't deal with this.
16:14What's it gonna take to get her out of here?
16:16Well, I think it'd be a nice gesture if we went to a funeral.
16:19No, but if we did that,
16:20we'll miss our opportunity to sign the lease for the apartment.
16:23Suit yourself.
16:25All right, all right.
16:26We'll, we'll go to your funeral.
16:29Could you please call this rental agency
16:31and tell them that I can't sign the papers on the apartment until tomorrow?
16:34Sure.
16:37Can I help you?
16:38Yeah, Gorilla Graham for Louise Pitzer.
16:42Hire Primate to see you, Louise.
16:46Show me.
16:47What do you say?
16:48What do you say?
16:49What do I say?
16:50I say I can't take this anymore.
16:52You tell that cheesy Romeo that Louise Pitzer knows the score,
16:55and he's not even gonna get the first base.
16:56I say I can't take this anymore.
16:57I say I can't take this anymore.
16:58You tell that cheesy Romeo that Louise Pitzer knows the score,
16:59and he's not even gonna get the first base with me.
17:00Oh, yeah.
17:01And tell him I gave his stakes to my therapist.
17:02I say the royal lipys and her stallions at Madison Square Garden.
17:05What do you say?
17:10What do I say?
17:15I say I can't take this anymore.
17:17You tell that cheesy Romeo that Louise Pitzer knows the score,
17:20and he's not even gonna get the first base with me.
17:23Oh, yeah.
17:24And tell him I gave his stakes to my therapist.
17:32Jay!
17:39She gave away my steaks?
17:41Those were rib-eyes, huh?
17:43Rib-eyes?
17:44Why are you pursuing Louise like this?
17:47I don't know.
17:47We went to that research dinner together
17:49and it felt like we clicked
17:50and now she won't give me the time of day.
17:53What?
17:53What?
17:55You know what my problem is, don't you?
17:58Chiggers?
18:01She's seen all my moves.
18:02Louise knows all my tricks.
18:03How can I convince her that I'm sincere?
18:05Well, you may not be able to, Jay.
18:07I mean, you're fighting your own legend.
18:09I'm afraid you've been hoist by your own petard.
18:12Yeah, I sure have.
18:14Who'd have thought that little Asian girl
18:16would have the strength to do it?
18:18Well, I'm not giving up.
18:19Louise is too special.
18:20What are you gonna do?
18:22Well, start out by throwing poop at old man Decker.
18:27Beauty this outfit can get away with that kind of thing.
18:32Yes, hello.
18:42This is Herman Brooks.
18:43I talked to you today about the apartment
18:44in the Chateau Maison.
18:47Rented?
18:48Already?
18:49Hey, that was supposed to be our apartment.
18:51Whoever rented it, I said we'd bounce our ass
18:53right out of there.
18:54We have no legal grounds for ass-bouncing.
18:58Sure we do.
19:00We have dibs.
19:01We have the grounds of dibs.
19:03Dibs, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
19:05Dibs, I tell you.
19:06You're out of order.
19:07No, you're out of order.
19:09You're out of order.
19:10This old damn brain is out of order.
19:14I don't understand.
19:15I thought you promised that apartment to me.
19:18Who did you rent it to?
19:19Hi, oldie neighbor.
19:21Goodbye.
19:22Isn't it great?
19:23I got the apartment upstairs.
19:25Okay, let me get this straight.
19:27Well, I was at the old lady's funeral
19:28paying my last respects.
19:30I was paying my first month's rent.
19:33Right, Herman.
19:34I turned something bad into something good.
19:36I got a place to live
19:37and I am ready to take on the world.
19:39I want that apartment.
19:40Well, I want to be the creamy center
19:42in a Baldwin Brothers scooter pie.
19:45Sometimes life isn't fair.
19:46How could you rent that place behind my back?
19:48Hetty, when I told you to start your life over,
19:50I didn't mean for you to start it
19:51by shafting one of your only friends.
19:53Oh.
19:54Well, next time be more specific.
19:57All right.
19:58You want specific?
19:59You want specific?
19:59Get the hell out of here.
20:01Listen, Hetty,
20:01this time you have really crossed the line
20:03and I want nothing more to do with you.
20:05Look, Herman,
20:06if you really want the apartment,
20:08you can have it.
20:10Yes!
20:10Yes!
20:11Yes!
20:11All right.
20:12I just hope there's room for a library.
20:14I just hope you all remember
20:15that if we move into that apartment,
20:17we will always feel guilty
20:18about that woman's death.
20:19You got that right.
20:22Hey, what are you doing back here?
20:24We went to your funeral.
20:25That should have laid you to rest.
20:27Well, it didn't,
20:28you pasty-faced wiener.
20:31And it won't
20:32if you move into my old apartment.
20:34What the hell?
20:39Take the apartment.
20:40Oh, thanks, Herman.
20:41You know, you may think
20:42you figured out how to stand
20:43on your own two feet,
20:44but you have a lot to learn.
20:45You're so right.
20:47Thank God I've got plenty of room
20:48in that cavernous apartment
20:49for all my self-help books.
20:52I'm out of here.
20:54I gotta go nag my daughter-in-law.
20:56For the last two years,
20:58that bitch brought me
20:59nothing but fried food.
21:05I can't believe
21:07you wanted to capitulate her.
21:10Ah, this just in.
21:12You're still stupid.
21:18Herman,
21:19the spookiest thing just happened.
21:20I went into the apartment
21:21and I thought I saw
21:22this old lady with a cane.
21:24and then she was gone.
21:26Hedy, you're just nervous
21:26because you're living on your own.
21:28Oh, I guess you're right.
21:29Of course,
21:30if you'd feel more comfortable,
21:32we could switch apartments.
21:42Congratulations, Hedy,
21:43and welcome to the Chateau Maison.
21:44Herman, we...
21:45Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
21:47There's plenty of room
21:47for both of you.
21:48What?
21:54Hi, Jay.
21:54What can I do for you?
21:56Yeah, go ahead.
22:10Hey, Herm.
22:10Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:12Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:13Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:14Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:14Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:15Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:15Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:16Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:16Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:16Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:17Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:18Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:19Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:20Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:21Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:22Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
22:23Oh, it's a two-bedroom apartment.
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