- 4 weeks ago
In this episode, Herman's former love interest, Heddy, is getting married. Herman realizes he still has feelings for her and believes she doesn't truly love her fiancé. He decides to object during the wedding ceremony to stop the marriage and confess his feelings before it's too late.
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00:00that woman's not wearing underwear is that all you can think about food and sex yes please focus
00:09look out
00:10hey it's jay
00:18no time for small talk we're late
00:22petty hold the elevator
00:24petty
00:26i think louise is so sweet i think this woman is wearing underwear i think there's too many people in
00:40this elevator and i think you are all idiots that's gonna work
00:56for a lot of people in the room
01:04you may have not been
01:06you may have not been
01:09when you can't
01:11go all day
01:14Look at her lying there asleep.
01:29She's so beautiful.
01:31Yeah, I say we wake her up and start off the day with a real bang.
01:36You're a pig!
01:37Yeah, well, you're rubber and I'm glue.
01:39And anything I say bounces off you.
01:42Which one am I, rubber or glue again?
01:45Excuse me, Mr. Vidal, Mr. Mailer, if I may interrupt this literary feud for just one moment.
01:51How in the world do we let this happen?
01:53I think it all started when we said, I do.
02:00Yeah, I know.
02:02That's the billionth person to tell me that, Herman.
02:04You don't think I sound just like that Lisa Simpson character on television, do you?
02:10No, not at all.
02:11Okay.
02:12Bonjour!
02:13Hey!
02:14How is Paris?
02:16Crowded, overpriced, and unfriendly.
02:18God, I love the French.
02:19Eddie!
02:22Good to have you back.
02:23We missed you.
02:24Well, you're going to have to go on missing me because I quit.
02:27Why?
02:28Someone made me a better offer.
02:29Well, maybe we can match it.
02:31What did he offer?
02:32Half of everything he's got.
02:33I'm getting married.
02:34I take that offer.
02:35The best I could do is another $5 a week.
02:38Eddie, you're getting married?
02:41Yes.
02:42He's rich, he's handsome, and we're timing out as soon as his TRW report comes in.
02:48Wow, this would be so romantic if it wasn't happening to you.
02:54Herman, aren't you going to congratulate me?
02:57Congratulations.
02:57Congratulations.
02:58I don't know why, but I feel a sharp pain right here.
03:03Ugh, that was lunch.
03:07No, it's the memory of the night we spent together.
03:10That was a fluke.
03:11She was never interested in us in the first place.
03:13Oh, no?
03:14Remember when we were working late?
03:16Lights!
03:17All right!
03:18I get to watch it again.
03:20Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
03:28Oh, no!
03:38Has someone been watching this over and over again?
03:45Herman, you can let go of me.
03:46Now I have no feeling on my arm.
03:48Sorry.
03:50Now, there's something I really need to talk to you about.
03:52Sure.
03:53I want you to tell me the truth.
03:55I thought he might bring this out.
03:56You don't buy any chance ten bar, do you?
03:59No, Hetty, I don't.
04:01Damn.
04:02Louise, would you be my bridesmaid?
04:04Oh, Hetty, I'd be honored.
04:06Good, because you're the only woman I know
04:08that was either that or Herman in a dress.
04:11And, Mr. Bracken, would you give me away?
04:14Oh, that's nice, Hetty, but why don't you ask your father?
04:16I would, but if I ask one, I have to ask them all.
04:19In that case, I'd be honored,
04:21as long as I don't have to pay for the wedding.
04:25No.
04:25But you can't pay for this long-distance phone call.
04:29Wait a minute.
04:31An extra five bucks a week?
04:33Hey, Mr. Bracken, I'd quit.
04:36Nice try, Louise.
04:39Hi, Mom, it's me.
04:41Hetty.
04:43Guess what?
04:43I'm getting married.
04:45I'll hold.
04:47Mom, I'm getting married, and I'd like you to come.
04:50Two weeks from Saturday.
04:51No, we can't change it.
04:53We've made all the arrangements.
04:54Well, you're just going to have to decide which is more important,
04:57your only daughter's wedding or a golf tournament.
05:01Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
05:06The quarterfinals.
05:07I just heard you're marrying Harold Larson,
05:12the president of Gold Crown Publishing?
05:13Mm-hmm.
05:14What's it to you?
05:14Okay.
05:15You've got to put in a good word for me
05:16so that I can get a book deal with this guy.
05:18Please?
05:18It would make my career.
05:19I'll do it, but only if you come to my wedding
05:21and take his ex-wife off my hands.
05:24They're so close.
05:25Too close.
05:25Someone's a bitch out of his life.
05:27Deal?
05:28Hedy, I had a real bad experience at a wedding,
05:30and I've never been to one since.
05:31Me, weddings, not a good mix.
05:33She's a Victoria's Secret model.
05:38No, I can't.
05:39I'm sorry.
05:40Those are not implants.
05:45No, Hedy, I can't do it.
05:46She has a history of bisexuality.
05:51Be there at noon, Jay.
05:52Okay.
05:55Nothing is going to screw this up.
05:57I've been working my whole life
05:58to meet someone like Herman.
06:00I mean, Harold.
06:03Slip of the tongue means nothing.
06:06I have a million things to do before the wedding.
06:08Au revoir, you poor miserable suckers.
06:12I think the thing I'm going to miss the most about her
06:14is the love.
06:17Herman, is something wrong?
06:18This is awful.
06:19We're never going to get another chance with her.
06:21Forget about Penny.
06:23Yeah, there's plenty of other fish in the sea.
06:25Ah, here.
06:29Ellen Jenkins.
06:30We should call her.
06:31Ellen Jenkins, our fourth grade teacher?
06:34Who in the hell put her in our sexual pass file?
06:42That Clemsonverse surgical stocking
06:44got me through many a lonely night.
06:48We can't let Hedy get away
06:49without letting her know how we feel about her.
06:52We hate her.
06:53We used to hate her,
06:54but now that we can't have her,
06:55we want her.
06:57Here we go.
06:57Sarah Smith.
06:58She can make that funny noise with her breasts.
07:04I'll be right back.
07:06Hedy,
07:06about this wedding...
07:08You do 10 bar?
07:09Great.
07:10Okay, it's 100 bucks.
07:10No over...
07:11No, Hedy.
07:11It's about this guy.
07:12So...
07:13What, are you really in love with him?
07:15What's not to love?
07:17He's handsome and loaded
07:18and the head of a major publishing house.
07:20Well, then ask him to be your running mate, Hedy.
07:22We don't marry him.
07:24Gee, Herman,
07:24this is none of your business.
07:25Why are you so interested?
07:27I was thinking about the night we slept together.
07:29I mean, that was a night
07:30that I don't think either of us could ever forget.
07:33What night?
07:35Hedy.
07:36Okay, you're right.
07:37It was a night I won't forget either,
07:39but it was just one night.
07:40What, you never think about it?
07:43I don't have time for this right now.
07:45I have to find a bartender now
07:46that you've crapped out on me.
07:47Fine, just remember, Hedy.
07:49Regret is a rough sheet to sleep on every night.
07:53Herman,
07:53I want you to know something,
07:55and I really mean this.
07:57That is the dumbest thing you've ever said.
08:03From now on...
08:04I want you to clear all things we say through me.
08:09That will avoid deeply humiliating phrases like,
08:12Regret is a rough sheet to sleep on every night.
08:16Do you understand?
08:18Louise,
08:38you've been crying since you got here.
08:41I have never realized you and Hedy were so close.
08:44We're not.
08:48Look at the sound, bitch.
08:49You put me in.
08:54Well, Herman, what's the matter with you?
08:56Um, I think I ate some bad dip.
08:58Oh, no!
08:59I ate some of that dip, too!
09:03Will you stop lying to them?
09:05Well, help me get this hangdog look off our face.
09:08I can't.
09:08I'm too depressed.
09:09I think Hedy still has feelings for us.
09:12Where is this coming from?
09:14Well, first of all,
09:15why didn't she answer us
09:16when we asked her if she was in love with a guy?
09:18Because it was none of our business.
09:21All right.
09:22Then answer this.
09:24I've been working my whole lot
09:25to meet someone like Herman.
09:26I mean Harold.
09:27It's quite simple, really.
09:29She just...
09:30You just...
09:31Give me that.
09:36So how do I look?
09:39Beautiful.
09:40You know, we work together so closely
09:42I've always thought of you as family.
09:45And the three of you as my children.
09:47Dad, I have some bad news about the car.
09:51Herman, don't ruin my moment.
09:54I take this as an opportunity
09:57to give away one of my two surrogate daughters.
10:01So when are you going to get married?
10:05Ah, great.
10:06Like I really need this.
10:08Now, Hedy, can I talk to you for a moment?
10:10I don't have much time.
10:11Hedy, please.
10:11Not now.
10:12Hedy, I have to talk to you.
10:13Jay, why aren't you with Harold's ex-wife?
10:15Why?
10:16Because she stood me up.
10:17That's why.
10:18I told you, Hedy,
10:19I had bad luck at weddings.
10:20So, now what do I do?
10:22Either sit down or park cars.
10:23Your choice.
10:26Bad luck at weddings.
10:29Louise, you look beautiful in that dress.
10:31I feel like a brillo pad.
10:34I can't take it anymore.
10:39Oh, no, there's Harold.
10:40I can't let him see me before the wedding
10:41or it's bad luck.
10:42Hedy, wait.
10:43What is it, Herman?
10:45I just wanted to say goodbye.
10:47You're leaving?
10:48Well, just leave your gift on the table.
10:49No, I mean goodbye.
10:50I have a pretty good feeling
10:52we're not going to be seeing much
10:53of one another after this.
10:55You're probably right.
10:57Well, goodbye.
10:58I'm amazed that this is so easy for you.
11:02This is not easy for me.
11:07Truth is, Herman,
11:09the night we made love,
11:10you really got to me.
11:11You got to understand,
11:19Harold is my ticket
11:20out of that damn research room.
11:21Now I got to go.
11:26Is this seat taken?
11:28No.
11:28Go ahead.
11:30Something wrong?
11:32All right.
11:33I hate weddings.
11:34Old girlfriend's the one
11:35getting married, huh?
11:36No.
11:37Old boyfriend?
11:38Heron?
11:40No.
11:43Herman, come over here
11:44and meet someone.
11:46Herman, this is Harold Larkson.
11:48And if he weren't taken,
11:49I'd marry him myself.
11:53That's a joke, son.
11:57I'm not really a homosexual.
12:02So, you're Herman Brooks.
12:04Hedy's told me all about you.
12:06She has.
12:07Mm-hmm.
12:10Well, looks like the show's
12:10about to start.
12:11Why don't we all take our places?
12:14If you knock off the crying,
12:15it's getting on my nerves.
12:17It's over.
12:17There's nothing you can do.
12:19I should remind you, too,
12:20that when push comes to shove,
12:21she does tend to get
12:22what she wants around here.
12:23Well, not this time.
12:24вопрос.
12:25Take in love.
12:26Bye.
12:26Bye.
12:35Bye.
12:40Bye.
12:50Bye.
12:52Bye.
12:53Bye.
12:53I'm not really the father.
13:04We're here to join Harold Larson and Hedy Newman in wedlock.
13:12Does anyone know why these two people should not be joined in holy matrimony?
13:16I do.
13:17I heard the question. Could you repeat it, please?
13:24Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
13:27What, am I talking to myself? I do.
13:28My God, you're humiliating us. We've got to sit down.
13:32Nope.
13:33Please open the door. Eventually you'll need us.
13:40Well, you'll need me at any rate.
13:43Well, speak up. What's your objection?
13:46She's not in love with him.
13:47Would you excuse us for just one minute?
13:51Please tell me this is a terrible nightmare.
13:53You're not really ruining the most important day of my life by acting like a complete jerk.
13:56I'd like to, but I can't.
13:58Is there a problem?
13:59Yeah, we've got a big one, Harold. She's not in love with you.
14:02Hedy, is that true?
14:02Go ahead, Hedy.
14:03Tell him.
14:05I think that answers my question.
14:07Knocked one more word out of you.
14:10Come on, Harold.
14:12This is a lively wedding.
14:15Mine was a real snoozer.
14:18Well, if there are no further objections...
14:21Marriage is a sacred institution that God...
14:26I was marrying my high school sweetheart.
14:31She insisted on abstinence before the wedding, and I agreed.
14:35Should have made her agree as well.
14:38I forgave her because I was in love.
14:40She invited my entire family to the wedding, but I forgave her because I was in love.
14:47And then she left me standing at the altar, but I forgave her because I was in love.
14:52So there I was, alone with my entire family, and that I couldn't forgive.
14:58You poor thing.
15:00Yeah, there's more.
15:03Built on a foundation...
15:04I don't mean to be rude, but can we just catch the chase?
15:07May I have the rings?
15:08Do you, Harold, take Hetty to be your wife for as long as you both shall live?
15:18I do.
15:22No, Hetty, I can't let you do this to yourself.
15:24Give me that ring back.
15:26You can do.
15:27Harmon, you're ruining this wedding.
15:29That's sort of the point, Mr. Bracken.
15:31Look, pal, I've had just about enough of it.
15:32I'll deal with them.
15:33Have you lost your mind?
15:34Marriage is forever, Hetty.
15:37Not for a few more weeks, not a couple of years, for the rest of your life.
15:40Forever.
15:41Oh, Herman, bad credit is forever.
15:43Marriage is over whenever you want it to be.
15:46Hetty, listen to what you're saying.
15:48Are you going to hand over the ring?
15:49You'll never get this ring from me.
15:51Never.
15:54Quick, Robert!
15:57Let's salvage our dignity and apologize.
16:00Herman, the ring?
16:02All right, all right.
16:05I'm sorry.
16:07I guess you must have smaller hands than I do.
16:10Ooh, small hands, small...
16:11Herman!
16:15Sorry, you used to be stuck.
16:16How about if I mail it to you?
16:18Or you can marry me.
16:19Hetty, come on.
16:21That's why I don't like weddings.
16:23A man with a sad story really gets to me.
16:28Did I mention I was sickly as a child?
16:32We don't have the ring.
16:33Forget it.
16:35We'll pretend.
16:38This is the most beautiful wedding you've ever been to.
16:42Do you, Hetty, take Carol to be your husband as long as you both shall live?
16:47Uh, could I hear the question one more time?
16:49Don't do it, Hetty.
16:52Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!
16:55Now, what we got here...
16:59Is a failure to communicate.
17:04Do you take Carol to be your husband for as long as you both shall live?
17:07Uh...
17:09I can't.
17:15I'm sorry to put you through this.
17:16You're a wonderful man, but this whole thing is a big mistake.
17:21Yes!
17:21I'm sorry we had so little time together.
17:34We're all so beautiful.
17:39Ooh, it's so expensive.
17:41Who's gonna know?
17:43I had a hard day.
17:46Hetty?
17:47God, get away from me.
17:48You gonna be mad at me forever?
17:50You got what you wanted, so why don't you leave me alone?
17:52Just came back to tell you I did it because I care about you.
17:55I don't want to hear this.
17:56Why?
17:56Because you feel the same way about me?
17:58You wanna know how I feel about you?
17:59I hate you, Herman.
18:00I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
18:02You know why you're acting like this?
18:03Hmm, let me think.
18:04Because I hate you!
18:07It's because you're just as attracted to me as I am to you.
18:10Why can't you just admit it?
18:11What are you saying, Herman?
18:12I'm saying there's something between us.
18:14Yeah, hostility.
18:17Actually, my parents act like this and they love each other.
18:20Oh, great.
18:20I really want to end up like your parents.
18:22A couple of plump hayseeds in twin beds watching Unsolved Mysteries.
18:27What are you so afraid of?
18:29That I might be right?
18:30If you don't leave now, so help me!
18:32Come on, Hedy, you're not gonna throw that at me.
18:35Oh, you're right.
18:35Must have cost a fortune.
18:38Hey, hey, hey!
18:39I gave you that!
18:40A travel alarm clock?
18:42You cheap bastard!
18:45Come on.
18:45I dare you.
18:49Oh, my God!
18:51Herman!
18:52Herman!
18:52I'm so sorry, Herman!
18:54Oh, please wake up!
18:55Herman!
18:56Ow!
18:57Are you okay?
18:58I can't believe you did that!
18:59You're driving me nuts!
19:00Oh, so what, that makes it okay for you to try and kill me?
19:03Yes!
19:04But you can't always act like such a jerk.
19:05It wasn't my first choice.
19:07It just turned out that way.
19:08I don't want to be in a relationship with a jerk.
19:10Who said anything about a relationship?
19:14I did.
19:17Maybe you're right.
19:19Maybe there is something between us.
19:21You couldn't have brought this up before you knocked me out.
19:27Oh, God, I'm bleeding.
19:30Maybe that can help.
19:32Good morning.
19:43Good morning.
19:43How's your sleep?
19:45Fine.
19:46Me too.
19:46Pretty comfortable bed.
19:48You want coffee?
19:50Sure.
19:51You got it.
19:54Back in the flash.
19:57It's a beautiful morning, huh?
19:59Yeah.
19:59The paper's probably right outside if you want something to read.
20:02No, thanks.
20:06Oh, a little sugar?
20:07That's it.
20:08I can't do this.
20:10I've got other sweeteners.
20:11No, Herman, this.
20:12Is this what it's going to be like?
20:13We wake up, have coffee, and go to work together?
20:15I'm bored already.
20:18But you just got up.
20:19Herman, this isn't right.
20:20I mean, where would we live?
20:21What's wrong with here?
20:23In this closet, we'd kill each other in two days.
20:26All this place needs is a wheel and a hamster could move in.
20:30All right, so it's a small apartment.
20:32We'll find another place together.
20:33With what?
20:34You're broke.
20:35So that's it?
20:37You're going to walk out the door because I'm broke?
20:40This is crazy, Hedy.
20:41I thought we were going to give this a chance.
20:43I appreciate what you did for me at the wedding.
20:45I wasn't in love with Harold, and I was making a big mistake.
20:48But I'd just be making another mistake if I tried to be with you.
20:51Sit me up, would you?
20:59Only I could put Harold's wallet in your pants.
21:03Do you know what your problem is?
21:04Where are my shoes?
21:07You think wealth and glamour are going to make you happy?
21:09How many Harolds do you have to leave at the altar before you realize they don't?
21:13As many as it takes.
21:14I want it all, Herman.
21:15I'm not going to stop looking until I find it.
21:17Hedy, if you walk out that door now, I will never give us another chance.
21:20Thank you for everything, Herman.
21:21I am not bluffing, Hedy.
21:23Never.
21:23See you at work tomorrow.
21:25You're going to regret this, Hedy.
21:27Yes, I know.
21:28And regret is a rough sheet to sleep on.
21:35Damn.
21:38Oh, great.
21:38I'm stuck with this thing.
21:41I can't believe she did it to us again.
21:43From now on, she's off limits.
21:44Forbidden fruit.
21:45No man's land.
21:46Yeah, and even if we get rich and she falls madly in love with us, we're never sleeping
21:49with her again.
21:50Well, never say never.
21:51Oh, will you let it go?
21:52We may not be right for her, but she is certainly not right for us.
21:55How do you know?
21:57Okay.
21:57I'd like you all to close your eyes and imagine spending the rest of our life with Hedy.
22:02What do you know?
22:11Slid right off.
22:18Thursday, a star is born when Marge Simpson lands the lead in a local musical.
22:22Wow, my mind is acting.
22:24On an all-new Simpsons.
22:26Then, Kid of Kid and Play drops by Martin's radio station and wins a date with the ugliest
22:31woman in Detroit.
22:32On an all-new Martin.
22:33Flying Blind is next, followed by the series premiere of Whoops.
22:40Bye-bye.
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