- 3 weeks ago
In the episode, Herman starts dating a new girlfriend, Ellen, and their relationship progresses quickly. Ellen expresses a desire for Herman to meet her father. The situation takes an awkward turn when Herman discovers that Ellen's father is none other than his uptight boss at Waterton Publishing, Mr. Crawford.
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00:01Hey Ellen, save me a little hot water, would ya? I gotta get to work.
00:05This is a great relationship.
00:07Yes, and here comes my favorite part, where she goes her way and we go ours.
00:11That's okay, because she's not looking for anything more than we are.
00:15We both want the same thing.
00:17She wants to be invisible in the girls' locker room, too?
00:20Last night was really a superb performance, Herman.
00:24How about an encore?
00:25Oh God, I'd love to, but I gotta get to work.
00:29Are you sure?
00:32Can't I entice you into an encore?
00:35Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!
00:44Well, maybe I can take the morning off.
00:47Maybe I can take the afternoon off.
00:50Maybe I can take an indefinite leave of absence.
00:59This city is exciting.
01:05Dangerous.
01:06Troubled.
01:08That woman's not wearing underwear.
01:10Is that all you can think about? Food and sex?
01:14Yes. Please, focus.
01:16Look out!
01:24Hey, it's Jack!
01:27No time for small talk. We're late.
01:30Heady, hold the elevator!
01:32Heady!
01:33I think Louise is so sweet.
01:42I think this woman is wearing underwear.
01:45I think there's too many people in this elevator.
01:48And I think you are all idiots.
01:50They don't have to be all idiots.
01:52I'm gonna work.
01:53You're all idiots.
01:54I'm gonna work.
01:55Oh!
01:56Oh!
01:57Yeah!
01:58Oh!
02:00Oh!
02:01Oh!
02:02Oh!
02:04Oh!
02:05Oh!
02:06Oh!
02:07Oh!
02:09Oh!
02:10Oh!
02:11Oh!
02:12Oh!
02:13Oh!
02:14Oh!
02:15Oh!
02:16Oh!
02:17Oh!
02:18No, he's not in, Mr. Crawford.
02:20Sure, I'll tell him.
02:23Oh, these must be for me.
02:25Oh, Hedy, how do you know they're for you?
02:27Yeah, how do you know they're not for me?
02:28Why would they be for you? Did you win the Preakness?
02:32Let's see.
02:34Dear Herman, last night was wonderful.
02:38Hedy.
02:38I feel so special when you hold me in your manly, muscular arms.
02:43It must be a different Herman.
02:44Hedy, give me that.
02:45So, Herman, sounds like things are getting pretty serious between you and Ellen, huh?
02:49Are they? Are they? Are they? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:51Well, the things are moving along nicely, but I wouldn't call it serious.
02:55We just went out to dinner and we saw a movie.
02:57You held her in your manly, muscular arms. We know, Herman.
03:00Oh, Hedy, you're just jealous because your boyfriend doesn't love you enough to send you flowers.
03:04I don't need love from a man. I can love myself.
03:10Let's reflect on that image for a while, shall we?
03:15You know why married men die before their wives?
03:22Because they want to.
03:26What's wrong, Mr. Bracken?
03:28Oh, that damn wife of mine.
03:30Ever since we got back together again, she wants to talk at night.
03:34Oh, and you wanna...
03:36You know.
03:37No, I don't know.
03:42Good God, Hedy, on a weeknight?
03:49Maybe it would spice up your marriage a little, Mr. Bracken.
03:52Oh, and on a weeknight? No, I don't think I could.
03:56Mr. Bracken, uh, Mr. Crawford just called for you.
03:59Ever since they promoted that power-crazy lunatic to senior vice president, he has been all over me.
04:05Sherman, there you are. I don't have time to talk.
04:08Okay, Mr. Crawford.
04:08Don't you hear, man? I said I don't have time to talk.
04:12Bracken, why didn't you return my phone call?
04:14When I call one of my people, I expect them to call me right back.
04:16I was just handed the message.
04:18I don't want excuses. Call me back.
04:21Louise, would you get Mr. Crawford on the phone?
04:23That's more like it.
04:26One thing I don't like is not having my phone calls returned.
04:29Mr. Bracken, Mr. Crawford's not in.
04:35Okay, thank you, Louise.
04:36Damn it, man. Leave a message.
04:40Tell him I'm returning his phone call and he can get back to me.
04:43Mr. Bracken's returning his phone call and he can get back to him.
04:50That's better. Now I have an important announcement to make.
04:53I'll be just a moment.
05:01Crawford.
05:02Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
05:07Bracken, did you want to speak to me?
05:11Um, yes.
05:14Well, it'll have to wait. I'm in the middle of a meeting.
05:17What's the matter with you, anyway?
05:18As I was saying, one of you has to go.
05:23What?
05:24This company can ill afford to carry this bloated, overstaffed research department.
05:29This department is not bloated.
05:31Oh, no? Have you ever seen Bracken in boxer shorts?
05:34Wait a minute, Crawford.
05:36You can't come in here and fire one of my people without consulting me first.
05:39The truth is, I can. I'm the senior vice president of this company.
05:43You, you're fired. Get out.
05:46See?
05:48Mr. Crawford, that's my friend Amy. She doesn't even work here.
05:51This is going to be more trouble than I thought.
05:56But I welcome the challenge. If I can get out of that Vietnamese cage, I can handle this.
06:00Oh, I didn't know you were in the war.
06:02What war? It was a bachelor party gone awry.
06:06Oh, this is insanity.
06:09Look, Crawford, this is my department, and I will not...
06:13You're right. This is your department, and you have 48 hours to put a bullet in someone.
06:16You want me to fire one of my people?
06:18If you'd prefer to do it that way.
06:20Just see that it's done.
06:31Morning.
06:32Morning.
06:33You were incredible last night.
06:35So were you.
06:37Can we stop the small talk and get ready for work?
06:40What do you have against Ellen?
06:41Uh, nothing. Nothing.
06:44It's a remote control, I swear.
06:46Oh.
06:46Look, we have nothing in common with this woman except for sex.
06:52And the sex is over, ergo it's time to book.
06:55I guess you're right. You can't build a relationship on great sex.
06:58Well, I can try, dammit.
07:01Better get ready for work.
07:05Herman, I've been thinking.
07:07I'd really love for you to meet my father sometime.
07:09Meet her father? This is going too fast.
07:16I couldn't help it. I got excited.
07:19Not that, you idiot.
07:24She wants more than we do.
07:26Well, then we're gonna have to tell her the truth, that we're not interested in a long-term relationship.
07:31But what about the sex?
07:32Wait a minute. Perhaps we can have our cake and eat it, too.
07:36Can I have sex and eat cake?
07:40They'll call you genius for nothing.
07:43Look, we must dodge and parry.
07:46I think it'd be great if we could have dinner with him one night.
07:48I look forward to meeting your father.
07:51Sometime.
07:52In the future.
07:55You're awfully good at ducking the issue.
07:57Thank you. I'm considering running for public office.
08:01Got my vote.
08:01How many times must I tell you, use your hands.
08:15Oh, Mr. Brackett, have you given much thought to who you're gonna fire?
08:18I'm still working on it, Louise.
08:20Believe me, I do not enjoy making the choice.
08:22Well, if you have to fire me, I'll understand.
08:25I appreciate that.
08:26Just don't know what I'm gonna tell that little Haitian boy I've been sponsoring.
08:29Don't do this to me, Louise.
08:34Have I shown you a picture of little Jean-Luc lately?
08:39Oh, Louise, you're breaking my heart.
08:42Look at those spindly arms, those bulging eyes, that distended belly.
08:47Oh, no, sir, that's a picture of E.T.
08:49He came with the wallet.
08:50This one here's Jean-Luc.
08:53Wait a minute, Mr. Bracken.
08:54Louise isn't the only one with responsibilities.
08:56I'm sponsoring someone, too.
08:58I suppose you have a picture, too.
09:00Yes, I do.
09:01Look at that poor little girl.
09:03Petty, I'm supposed to keep you on the payroll because you're in a thong bikini?
09:11We wouldn't be the first.
09:15Thank you for your input.
09:16Why don't the both of you get back to work?
09:19Yes, we're lying in bed this morning, and suddenly, out of nowhere, she wants me to meet her father.
09:23Oh, boy.
09:24Whenever I meet a girl's father, it's always the same story.
09:27First, he offers me money not to see her.
09:30Yeah, and then what happens?
09:32I'll take the money.
09:34Okay, I don't think her father is going to offer me money.
09:36Oh, you're right.
09:37Sometimes they offer you goods and services.
09:39But you don't have to accept his first offer.
09:41You can haggle.
09:41Just start to walk out.
09:42He'll call you back.
09:46Oh, Mr. Bracken, sir, I need to speak to you for a minute.
09:49You have five daughters.
09:51Oh, that's right.
09:52Rub it in.
09:53I couldn't make a son.
09:59No, sir, that's not my point.
10:00You know, Herman, you picked a fine time to slam my manhood.
10:03I've been trying to figure out who to fire, and you're talking to me about my girly sperm.
10:10No, sir, what I mean is I'm seeing this woman, and she wants me to meet her father.
10:14So I was wondering, does that imply a serious commitment on my part?
10:18Herman, I've got a lot on my mind, so I'll be brief.
10:20If you're not serious about this young woman, then you shouldn't meet her parents.
10:24That would be stringing her along.
10:25He's right.
10:26We have to break up with Ellen.
10:27No way.
10:27The sex is too good.
10:29Oh, yeah?
10:30Well, until you change your mind, I'm going to talk in a Cockney accent.
10:34Oh, hello, Goph.
10:35Could you loan me a couple of book for some bangers and mash and a spotty?
10:40I just saw the biggest bum on telly last night.
10:42All right, all right, all right.
10:44I'll do it.
10:44I'll do it.
10:46Thanks for the advice, Mr. Bracken.
10:48I guess I'll break up with her tonight.
10:50Oh, by the way, sir, and I know you have a tough decision to make about firing someone.
10:55Did I mention that I support a little Navajo child?
10:59Herman, I am tired of hearing about this.
11:01We all have responsibilities.
11:04Now, you take a look at that picture.
11:06Mr. Bracken, how did you get that picture of Hetty in a thong bikini?
11:11Oh, man, I guess that got in there by mistake.
11:14This is the picture I'm talking about.
11:16Did the picture of E.T. come with a wallet?
11:21That's not E.T., that's Grandma Bracken.
11:30Where are you taking me? I thought we were going to a restaurant.
11:32It's a surprise.
11:34Open up, Daddy!
11:36Daddy?
11:36Daddy?
11:37Daddy?
11:37Daddy?
11:38Daddy?
11:38You said you wanted to meet him sometime, and we already had a date, and he wasn't doing anything,
11:43so I thought this would be perfect.
11:45What do we do?
11:45We'll put off breaking up with her for a day or two.
11:48Exactly.
11:48And for now, we just have to humor her and the old man for a couple of hours.
11:51How bad can it be?
11:54Ah, welcome to Casa Crawford.
12:00I'm honored you'd come and visit me in my home, but my daughter's boyfriend is coming
12:03over, so you get the hell away from here.
12:04No, no, Daddy.
12:06Daddy, he is my boyfriend.
12:08Oh, I could ask for no greater gift.
12:10Come on in.
12:11Come in.
12:11Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
12:14Come on in.
12:21Kill the damn thing and be done with it.
12:25Sherman, you like pit bulls?
12:27Actually, I'm allergic.
12:28That's just as well.
12:29They don't like people much.
12:31That reminds me, I didn't see that cable guy leave.
12:35Why didn't you tell me he was your father?
12:37You know, I worked with him at Waterton.
12:38I didn't want his power over your professional life to influence you.
12:42You know, boss's daughter and all.
12:43But you have different last names.
12:45I was married briefly in college.
12:47I just never changed my name back.
12:48Okay, now you're divorced, right?
12:50If the body doesn't turn up this year, the marriage will be legally dissolved.
12:56Don't worry, it won't turn up.
13:01Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself?
13:04Yes.
13:05I'm crazy about you, Herman.
13:08Is this a private hug or can anybody join in?
13:13It's private.
13:14Oh, you kids.
13:17This is so beautiful.
13:20Sweetheart, would you do me a favor and go check on my quiche?
13:22Yes, Daddy.
13:25Chairman, you're not like the other boys that Ellen has brought home over the years.
13:30They weren't worthy of my daughter.
13:33My daughter is my gold.
13:34I'll do anything to ensure her happiness.
13:37Not anything.
13:39Anything.
13:40But we don't have to worry about that because you make her happy.
13:44If she's happy, I'm happy.
13:45And if I'm happy, I can make things very pleasant for you at work.
13:47But if I'm not happy, then everything I said before is the opposite.
13:52Do I make myself clear?
13:54Surprisingly, yes.
13:55Good.
13:56Let's have a toast.
13:57To your health.
14:07And longevity.
14:15I knew that if you got to know my father outside work, you'd really like him.
14:19Well, what's not the like?
14:21So, are we on for tonight?
14:23Uh, yeah.
14:25Great.
14:25See you later.
14:34What?
14:34What are you two looking at?
14:35Herman, I thought you were going to terminate your relationship with that young woman.
14:39So did I.
14:40What happened?
14:41Crawford happened.
14:42He's her father.
14:44Oh, Herman.
14:44I wouldn't trade places with you for all the reference material in the Library of Congress.
14:55Hey, Herman.
14:55Hey, Jay.
14:56So, Herman, what are you going to do?
14:58Well, I guess I'm going to break up with her.
15:01Are you nuts?
15:02Crawford is forcing Bracken to fire one of us.
15:04If he's dating his daughter, at least you're protected.
15:06Oh, you're dating Crawford's daughter, huh?
15:09Oh.
15:10My friend, you are on Gravy Street.
15:14So you think I should keep seeing her?
15:15I think you should marry her.
15:18Marry her?
15:19That's right, pal.
15:20You marry his daughter, Crawford moves you right up the corporate ladder.
15:23You'll be a vice president the day you get back from your all-expense-paid month-long honeymoon on the Riviera.
15:29Jay, do you ever think before you give me advice?
15:32I pretty much wing it.
15:37That does it.
15:38We have to break up with Ellen.
15:40Breaking up with Ellen is the easy part.
15:42How are we going to tell Crawford?
15:44Well, we won't.
15:45We'll lay low and try and avoid him.
15:47It's not like we see him that often.
15:48Sherman.
15:51The more I see you, the more I like you.
15:52Hello, Mr. Crawford.
15:54Now I have to talk to Bracken about a very delicate matter.
15:58Bracken.
15:59Oh.
16:00So which one of these losers are you going to fire?
16:02I haven't decided yet.
16:05Well, get on with it, man.
16:06You're the one who wanted to play God with people's lives.
16:09No, I didn't.
16:10You should.
16:10It's fun.
16:13Now, either you make a decision or I'll do it myself.
16:18Sherman, we're going to the country.
16:19Pack your bags.
16:20Oh, Mr. Crawford, I...
16:21I won't take no for an answer.
16:22You need to relax, dammit.
16:25Let's go get him and tell him.
16:26If we put it off, we're just going to get in deeper.
16:28No.
16:29No.
16:32Timing is everything.
16:33I say we go with him to the country.
16:35You're right.
16:36It'll be easier to break it to him in that peaceful, quiet setting.
16:41Die, you son of a bitch.
16:43Die.
16:44Mr. Crawford, that's not a duck.
16:45It's a private plane.
16:47If it's in my airspace, it's fair game.
16:49You can't just aim a gun and randomly shoot buckshot.
16:52You're right.
16:53What was I thinking?
16:54Where are those holotip shells?
16:55Those things are awfully big.
16:59Finest ammo money can buy.
17:00I don't know why they outlawed him in Germany.
17:02Damn fools.
17:03It's all yours.
17:05Mr. Crawford.
17:06Call me Papa.
17:07I don't know if I'm going to...
17:09Dammit, call me Papa.
17:11Papa.
17:11I'm not sure how I feel about hunting.
17:14Oh, Sherman.
17:16Since the beginning of time, men have been hunters.
17:19Brutish Neanderthals with clubs and stones taking on a whole herd of woolly mammoths.
17:24We are their progeny.
17:25Their blood courses through our veins.
17:28We are savage Neanderthals.
17:35I don't want to shoot a cute little ducky.
17:41Oh, will you butch it up?
17:43Look.
17:44Here's what we have to do.
17:45We have to stall until this nightmare is over.
17:48And if we have to kill a few cute little duckies along the way, then so be it.
17:52No.
17:53We came here to tell him that we're breaking up with his daughter.
17:56But he'll kill us.
17:57Oh, he won't kill us.
17:58The worst he could do is fire us.
18:00And it's better to lose our job than to live the rest of our lives with a woman we don't love.
18:05Mr. Crawford, we need to talk.
18:08I think I know what it is.
18:10You do?
18:11You want to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage.
18:13You don't.
18:14You're old-fashioned.
18:14I like that.
18:16The answer is a resounding yes.
18:17Now, pick up that firearm and kill something with it before I lose my patience.
18:21Mr. Crawford.
18:23Papa.
18:24Papa.
18:25You know, when you call me that, it makes me feel like everything is right in the world.
18:32Nothing, my son, will ever change that.
18:34I'm breaking up with your daughter.
18:36My first instinct is to blow your head off.
18:41Mr. Crawford, you are not going to shoot me.
18:43You're going to put down that gun and we're going to talk about this.
18:45I wish I had a nickel for everybody who said that to me.
18:49I'm sorry, but I don't love your daughter and I care about her too much as a human being to continue seeing her.
18:55Sherman, you can't break up with my daughter.
18:57You're going to destroy her.
18:58Well, actually, Mr. Crawford, I've already discussed this with Ellen.
19:01It was difficult, but in the end, she said she understood.
19:04That's because she doesn't understand.
19:06Sherman, I've been taking care of her all of her life.
19:09I won't be around forever.
19:11Mr. Crawford, Ellen can take care of herself.
19:13I want her to find someone, but I was hoping it would be you.
19:16She's a terrific woman, sir.
19:18She'll find someone else.
19:19I don't know.
19:20She's shy and Lord knows she's not all that attractive.
19:25In fact, I think she's still a virgin.
19:29Mm-hmm.
19:32Sherman, do you realize you're giving up the opportunity to climb up the corporate ladder?
19:37You could be vice president the day you get back from your month-long honeymoon.
19:40I know, I know.
19:41On the Riviera.
19:41I was going to say Laughlin Nevada, but the point is that everything would be yours if you marry her.
19:49But if I marry her for the wrong reason, sir, I will be miserable, and so will she.
19:53I'm sorry, I just won't do it.
19:55Sherman, I have to say, you stood up to me.
19:58Most of the employees at Waterton are toadies or yes-men, but you, you're a no-man.
20:03You know what I mean?
20:05Yes, sir.
20:05Don't do that.
20:07Don't become a yes-man.
20:09No, sir.
20:09That's the spirit.
20:12Now that we're on his good side, let's take advantage of it.
20:15Let's make some demands.
20:16Meatball subs.
20:17Every day for breakfast.
20:19No, let's use this opportunity to help our friends.
20:22We'll get one of those big six-footers.
20:23Everyone eats.
20:26I'll handle this.
20:27Mr. Crawford, one more thing.
20:28And please don't fire anyone in the research room.
20:31You know, if you want to cut the budget, maybe you should fire one of your redundant upper echelon executives.
20:35Sherman, this company had fooled in ten minutes.
20:37It went for those highly paid toadies and yes-men.
20:41But out of respect for your integrity, the research room will remain intact.
20:45Now, do you have any other demands?
20:47No.
20:47No, that's all.
20:48No, you backed out too quickly.
20:49I would have given you anything.
20:50New car, more money, great big sandwich.
20:53Why don't you people ever listen to me?
20:59Sherman, I gotta say, you got guts.
21:01Oh, thank you, sir.
21:03No, on your trousers.
21:05That duck must have splattered real good.
21:09Thank God we're not in it for the meat, huh?
21:11Here's another one.
21:12Ah, ha, ha.
21:13Ah, ha, ha.
21:19Oh, Mr. Bracken, there's a message here for you from Grandma Bracken.
21:22Oh, what is it?
21:23It says phone home.
21:35That's not funny, Louise.
21:38No, really, that's what it says.
21:40Herman told you about that picture in my wallet, didn't he?
21:44I don't know what you're talking about.
21:45Your grandmother called and that's the message.
21:50Okay.
21:52And we'll take a look.
22:05And I'm Sherry Stanley.
22:07The verdict is in in a federal civil case against the Canberra County Sheriff.
22:11Plus, people in Galveston speak out over water woes.
22:14Gas prices increase at midnight.
22:15We'll show you why.
22:16Those stories and more coming up next on News Watch.
22:18Join us.
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