- 3 weeks ago
Herman's sis Suzy Brooks wants to be a writer. Louise grows jealous over Jay and Suzy's past affair. Herman is going after a writing job but Suzy also wants in.
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00:00...group station.
00:05J-Bo!
00:06Hey, there she is.
00:08So, the reservations are all set for Cape Cod next weekend.
00:11Oh, great, I can hardly wait.
00:13Me too, me too. We still on for lunch?
00:14Sure.
00:15Cool.
00:16See you later.
00:18Ooh, Louise Cape Cod. Sounds pretty romantic.
00:22Well, that's what I'm counting on.
00:24Louise, are you sure you're not rushing into this?
00:27What's it to you?
00:27Well, I just don't think you should hurry into anything.
00:30I think you should wait until the time is right.
00:33And I think the right time would probably be, you know, say, two months and three days.
00:39Oh, my God! There's an office pool of when Jay and I are going to sleep together?
00:43That's disgusting!
00:47Put me down for 20 bucks next weekend.
00:52Louise, you can't bet on your own performance.
00:55I have to perform, too?
00:57Oh, no.
01:00I didn't prepare anything.
01:03This city is exciting.
01:06Dangerous.
01:07Troubled.
01:09That woman's not wearing underwear.
01:11Is that all you can think about?
01:13Food and sex?
01:15Yes.
01:16Please, focus.
01:17Look out!
01:18Hey, it's Jack!
01:28No time for small talk.
01:29We're late.
01:31Petty, hold the elevator.
01:33Heavy.
01:33Heavy.
01:34I think Louise is so sweet.
01:43I think this woman is wearing underwear.
01:46I think there's too many people in this elevator.
01:48And I think you are all idiots.
01:51It's gonna work.
01:52Two empty ain't in no way.
01:54Ooh, woo, woo.
01:55Yeah.
01:56Who?
01:58Now you have the day, clouds, you jerky.
02:00Oh, oh, oh.
02:00Five.
02:01Oh, oh, oh, oh.
02:07Oh, oh, oh.
02:10Cross it.
02:12Oh, oh.
02:13Suzy!
02:24Hi!
02:25Hi!
02:25Hi!
02:26Mom said you weren't coming in until tonight.
02:27No, I caught an earlier flight.
02:29Oh, great.
02:29Look, I got everything planned.
02:30We're going to have dinner tonight, and this weekend we're going to get you an apartment,
02:33and then Monday morning you can start looking for a job.
02:36Have you thought about what you want to do yet?
02:38Yes.
02:38I want to be a writer, like you.
02:40Well, isn't that wonderful?
02:42Our sister wants to follow in our footsteps.
02:44You've always resented her, haven't you?
02:46Well, for good reason.
02:47Do you remember our refrigerator at home?
02:51Yes.
02:52Look.
02:53Suzy's, Suzy's, Suzy's.
02:55Mom, wait a minute.
02:57Here's one of ours.
02:57Right.
02:58A picture we did of Suzy.
03:02Hey, there's nothing in this refrigerator with baby food and beer.
03:07Grandma's here!
03:08So, you want to be a writer like me, huh?
03:13Well, actually, I was hoping more like Jay.
03:16I was kind of hoping to make a living at it.
03:20It's so great seeing you.
03:22Maybe you could look at some of my work, see what you think.
03:24Well, uh...
03:25Speaking of Jay, is he around?
03:27Oh, dear.
03:28Remember what happened last time Jay and Suzy got together?
03:30I certainly do.
03:31It went something like this.
03:32Say, Jay, you are one sizzling piece of man flesh.
03:39I suggest we go back to your place and have wild, sweaty sex.
03:43How say you?
03:47Cool, then.
03:48Suzy, there's something you should know about Jay.
04:02You see, he and Louise...
04:04Jay!
04:04I'm not the father.
04:06Jay!
04:08What?
04:09Suzy!
04:10Hey!
04:11I'm not the father.
04:12Oh, knock it off.
04:13Hey.
04:14Hi, how are you?
04:15Hey, everyone, it's Louise!
04:17Louise, Louise.
04:18Hey, Suzy, this is...
04:20Louise, you remember her, my girlfriend, now.
04:23And this is my old friend Herman's sister, Suzy.
04:28Yes, we've met.
04:29As I recall, you came a couple of years ago when you were thinking of leaving college,
04:33and if I'm not mistaken, you and Herman had a bit of a brother-sister spat,
04:36but you patched things up, and actually, you had kind of an affair with Jay,
04:40kind of a torrid affair, kind of a torrid affair he couldn't stop talking about
04:43for the next six months.
04:45How nice to see you.
04:48So, it's my third day in Paris, and this guy offers me 40 bucks for my jeans.
04:57But it turns out, he just wants to watch me take them off.
05:00You see, there's my mistake.
05:02When I was in Paris, I was only offering girls 20 bucks for their pants.
05:05Oh, stop it!
05:07Yes, stop it!
05:09Oh, isn't this fun?
05:13So, tell me, Suzy, when you say you're moving to New York, what are we talking here?
05:16The northern part of the state?
05:17Buffalo, maybe?
05:18Uh, no, actually, right here in Manhattan.
05:21Well, that's some good news, isn't it?
05:25Listen, I really gotta get back to work.
05:28You wanna walk me back?
05:30Uh, no, I'm gonna finish my coffee.
05:32Okay.
05:33Stay all day.
05:34Stay all night.
05:35Have dinner.
05:35Close the place down.
05:36Turn the lights out when you leave.
05:40Hey, Louise.
05:41Sure, rub it in.
05:42Hey.
05:44Hey, did you read my stuff?
05:46Yeah, yeah.
05:47And?
05:48Well, I'm sure there are plenty of psych students who'd pay good money for a solid C paper.
05:55This is all a big joke to you, isn't it?
05:57No, no, no, no.
05:58A big joke to me is when Moe files Curly's head and sawdust comes out.
06:04Sawdust.
06:06But, as far as your writing is concerned, I'm afraid you have a lot of work to do.
06:10This isn't about my writing sample.
06:12You have always resented me.
06:14Now you resent my trying to be a writer.
06:16Well, that's very insightful for someone who got a C in Psych 101.
06:21Thanks, Herman.
06:28Hi, neighbor.
06:30Howdy.
06:31Hetty, listen, I need to speak to you.
06:33Look, ever since Herman's sister came to town, she's been all over Jay.
06:38Really?
06:38Is he still interested in her?
06:40He's sniffing around her like a dachshund.
06:44Oh, Louise, this changes everything.
06:46Do you think so?
06:47Oh, yeah, I gotta start a new pool when Jay and Susie are gonna do it.
06:51Hetty, what am I supposed to do?
06:54Well, you should be happy.
06:55You're allowed to bet on this one.
06:59Thanks, Hetty.
07:00Hi, Herman.
07:02Susie.
07:02Look, I'm sorry I blew up for you yesterday.
07:04No, no, it was my fault.
07:05Anyway, you were absolutely right about the psych paper.
07:08It wasn't at all appropriate for a magazine.
07:11So I stayed up all night and I wrote this article.
07:14No kidding.
07:14Well, I'll take a look at it when I get a chance.
07:16Un, I read your writing sample for Sidewalk magazine.
07:20I enjoyed it immensely.
07:21All the facts are correct.
07:23You realize, of course, that if you get this job, you'll be working for Simon Jaffe.
07:28Yeah, yeah, I heard he's a nasty guy.
07:30Nasty?
07:31I've seen him make a grown man cry.
07:33Really?
07:33How'd he do that?
07:34He said some real mean things about researchers, then he started in on my bow tie, the lousy bastard.
07:41What's this about a job at Sidewalk?
07:43Well, they're taking submissions for a staff writer.
07:46Really?
07:47Well, maybe you could submit my sample, too.
07:50Well, um, let me read it real quick.
07:54You know what?
07:56This is pretty good.
07:58You see what Susie's doing, don't you?
08:00She's trying to steal something we want.
08:04That's true, and it raises the obvious question, who the hell are you?
08:16Uh, my car?
08:19Jealousy?
08:23Relationships ruined, families destroyed, sibling rivalry, my specialty.
08:30Licensed and bonded?
08:32I am?
08:34Listen, pal, we happen to love our sister, and we've never been jealous of her.
08:40Oh, yeah?
08:41What about Christmas 82?
08:44She got a stereo, we got black socks.
08:48And then the next year, she got a new bike, and we got corrective shoes.
08:54And the year after that, she got a pony.
08:56Hey, what did we get that year?
08:58We got beat up a lot in gym for wearing those dorky shoes.
09:01Look, she's not trying to steal anything, and as a good brother, we're gonna help her find a job.
09:10Sure, sure, I'll give him your sample.
09:12I'll drop it off with mine.
09:13Thanks, Herman.
09:13I really appreciate it.
09:14So what was that about?
09:19What'd she say?
09:19What'd she want?
09:20Did she ask about me?
09:20Did she ask about Jay?
09:21Did she ask about Bracken?
09:22Wait a minute, why would she ask about Bracken?
09:23Forget about Bracken.
09:24Did she ask about her and Jay?
09:25Did she ask about me and Jay or Jay and I on three?
09:26Don't answer that.
09:27I can't bear to hear the truth.
09:37Okay, Jay, I gotta know.
09:38What's going on between you and Herman's sister?
09:40Nothing.
09:41Don't give me that nothing.
09:42I saw you hitting on her yesterday.
09:43Louise, Susie is the past.
09:46She's old news, I swear.
09:48Really?
09:49Absolutely.
09:50Louise, don't you know that when I started going out with you,
09:52I lost all interest in women?
09:55You should have quit while you were ahead.
09:57You know what I mean.
09:58And I was not hitting on Susie.
10:00I was being polite to Susie.
10:01You want to know how I hit on a woman?
10:02I'll show you how Jay Nichols hits on a woman.
10:05Whoa, God, I'm sorry.
10:07Let me get this.
10:08God, you smell incredible.
10:09What is that perfume?
10:11You like it?
10:11It's tea rose.
10:12Mmm.
10:13Mmm.
10:14Reminds me when my old dog died.
10:17Does it smell like a dog?
10:19No, no, no.
10:20When my dog passed away one spring,
10:22we buried him in the woods in his favorite clearing.
10:25Yeah.
10:26The grass was all dewy and the flowers were in bloom.
10:29It was really beautiful.
10:31Like you.
10:33So, when you spilled water on me at the Christmas party last year,
10:36you were hitting on me?
10:37Uh, no.
10:38Actually, that night I was hitting the bourbon.
10:41And the gin and the eggnog and the champagne.
10:44I was running to the bathroom and I tripped on the carpet.
10:47I knocked over your glass.
10:48Well, that's romantic, too.
10:52You know, this technique I just showed you,
10:53this is top secret guy stuff.
10:55If we ever broke up, I'd have to kill you.
10:59Well, then, I guess we should never break up.
11:02Great news, guys.
11:07I am a finalist for the staff job at Sidewalks Magazine.
11:11Uh, and the great news is?
11:14I'm gonna buy you guys champagne and dinner.
11:16Whoa, that is good news.
11:18Congratulations, really, really.
11:19We'll be back in a minute with the bubbly.
11:21Okay.
11:22Suddenly, he's Mr. Howell.
11:23So, listen, Jay, since my perfume reminds you of flowers in springtime,
11:30I think maybe we should go back to my apartment and pluck a few.
11:36Are you, uh, thinking what I think you're thinking?
11:40Look, Jay, I don't want to wait for Cape Cod.
11:42I love you, and you said you love me,
11:44so I think we should go back to my apartment right now.
11:47Now?
11:48Now is not really, uh, good for me.
11:51Well, I'm busy.
11:52I got fries coming, Herm's a finalist.
11:54It's a scheduling thing.
11:55What are you talking about?
11:57You know, I should probably go.
11:58I got a ton of work here.
11:59I got a headache, and I got dry cleaning.
12:01I gotta pick it up.
12:04Oh, hey, where did Jay go?
12:05He said he doesn't feel much like celebrating,
12:07and frankly, neither do I.
12:10I'm a finalist.
12:12Hi, Herman.
12:14I got your message.
12:15What's the big news?
12:17I am a finalist for the writing job.
12:20Really?
12:21Mm-hmm.
12:22Congratulations.
12:24Well, thanks anyways for submitting my sample.
12:27It's very unselfish of you.
12:29We forgot to hand in Susie's writing sample.
12:31So what?
12:32She had less of a chance than a one-legged man
12:34in an ass-kicking contest.
12:37How could we have forgotten?
12:39Maybe I can clear things up.
12:40I made you forget.
12:42So our scheming sister, who always gets everything,
12:46wouldn't get the job we deserve.
12:48Cheers!
12:51To my big brother, who would do anything for me.
12:54All I know is, ever since your sister got to town,
13:08Jay's been acting really weird.
13:10Does he still have a thing for her?
13:11I don't think so.
13:12I think he's committed to you.
13:14Then why?
13:15When I invited him back to my apartment to,
13:18you know,
13:19he said he had to pick up his dry cleaning.
13:21Well, you know,
13:22if you leave your stuff there more than 30 days,
13:24they throw it out.
13:27Herman.
13:28Louise, it's not like you try and seduce a guy every day.
13:31Maybe your signals aren't that clear.
13:33Not that clear?
13:33I invited him back to my apartment
13:35to pluck my flowers.
13:39So, Herman, what do you think his problem is?
13:41I don't know, Louise.
13:42I'm sorry,
13:43but I've got my own problems with Susie right now.
13:45Hattie, listen,
13:48I really need to talk to you again.
13:49Louise, do you think you're the only one with problems?
13:51What about my problems?
13:52I've got a lot of money tied up in these pools.
13:55Jay hasn't slept with you.
13:56He hasn't slept with Susie.
13:57He doesn't sleep with someone soon.
13:58I'm going belly up,
13:59which I admit for me is a departure,
14:01but we're not talking about my sex life.
14:03We're talking about yours.
14:05Hey, Herman.
14:07Strapping off applications in the building.
14:09I thought I'd stop by and say hi.
14:10I'm glad you did.
14:11I have something to tell you.
14:12I feel awful about this,
14:14but I forgot to submit your writing sample.
14:19I see.
14:20I don't know how I could have forgotten it.
14:22Oh, you are some piece of work.
14:24Why don't you just admit
14:25you did not forget to submit my writing?
14:27You were scared I'd get the job.
14:29Susie, you didn't have a chance of getting that job.
14:31I mean, the sample was a good first effort,
14:33but it was also very unpolished.
14:35Well, why don't we see what Mr. Jaffe thinks?
14:38I'm going to take this up to him right now
14:39and get a real professional's opinion.
14:43Susie is just close to almost trashing our career.
14:47And if our career is stiff,
14:48so does our social life.
14:50That means no more food,
14:52no more babes,
14:53and eventually we'll grow old
14:55and tired and bitter.
14:58With no one to love.
15:02Now, are we just going to stand idly by
15:05and let that happen?
15:06Or are we going to go up there
15:08bonded and determined
15:09and stop Susie?
15:11What do you say, troops?
15:12Are you with me?
15:14Susie,
15:15I'm your worst nightmare.
15:18Go ahead, Susie.
15:20Make my day.
15:23Hasta la vista, sister baby.
15:25The calla lilies are in bloom again.
15:33I thought we were doing lines from our favorite movie.
15:37What are you, a wingnut?
15:38Come on, troops,
15:39let's move it out.
15:40He's reading my article.
15:53Stop the running in place.
15:55We're too late.
15:56What do we do now?
15:57Plan B!
15:57We sabotage her!
15:59Run, Toto, run!
16:02You really don't get this, do you?
16:04Mr. Jaffe.
16:08Mr. Jaffe, uh,
16:09Herman Brooks,
16:10finalist.
16:12Look, I'm sorry for my sister, sir.
16:14It's very unprofessional of her
16:16to just barge in like this
16:17and, uh,
16:18she has a lot to learn.
16:19You just barged in here?
16:21I am a finalist.
16:24Well, young lady,
16:25I'm afraid you're not quite
16:26what we're looking for.
16:27Well, Susie, too bad.
16:34Better luck next time.
16:35Can't win them all.
16:36Sorry for taking up so much of your time,
16:38Mr. Jaffe.
16:38We'll be leaving.
16:39Wait a minute.
16:39I would like some constructive comments, please.
16:42Constructive comments?
16:44All right, here's some.
16:46Your writing is wretched
16:47and you have no talent.
16:50Save yourself a lot of heartache
16:51and me a lot of eye strain
16:52and move back to Indiana.
16:55My God,
16:56it's one thing to reject her article,
16:58but he has no business
16:59ripping into her like that.
17:00Yeah, now I don't feel so good.
17:02Well, I told you.
17:03This is all because of you showing up.
17:05Yeah, let's get him out of here.
17:07Get rid of me?
17:08Why?
17:09The truth is,
17:10you show up here,
17:12you...
17:12You can't handle the truth.
17:14You want me in this brain.
17:16You need me in this brain.
17:19Oh, good.
17:20We're doing it again.
17:21I don't know nothing
17:22about birthing babies,
17:23Miss Scarlett.
17:23Perhaps for throwing out
17:27the wrong guy.
17:29All right, come on,
17:30time to go.
17:31There's only room for one
17:32obnoxious guy in this brain.
17:34You'll be sorely missed.
17:35Not me, you.
17:39Look, Jaffe,
17:40you have no right
17:40to talk to my sister that way.
17:42I mean, she was just looking
17:43for a little encouragement.
17:44She's obviously got talent,
17:45but maybe you're just
17:46too thick to see it.
17:48You know what?
17:48She wouldn't want to work
17:50for a son of a bitch
17:51like you anyway.
17:53What about you?
17:54Oh, I'm a professional.
17:55I can see past that.
17:56You know,
17:56it's probably one of the reasons
17:58I'm a finalist.
17:59Not anymore.
18:01Let's go, Susie.
18:06Uh, you realize
18:07you just talked yourself
18:08out of a job, Bill.
18:09Yeah, well, maybe one day
18:10I'll learn to keep
18:10my big mouth shut.
18:12Herman, I have to admit,
18:13when you first came up here,
18:14I thought you were trying
18:15to wreck my chances
18:16of getting that job.
18:17Oh, why would I do that?
18:19Well, you're going to think
18:20this is crazy,
18:21but I actually thought
18:23you were jealous of me.
18:24That is crazy.
18:25Me jealous?
18:26It would be ridiculous.
18:28Yeah, okay, maybe once
18:29when Mom and Dad
18:30bought you that stereo
18:30for Christmas in 1982.
18:33But we were kids.
18:35I'm over it now.
18:36Well, how about when they
18:37bought me that car
18:38for graduation?
18:39No.
18:39No, don't be...
18:41They bought you a car?
18:43Yeah, it was a really cute one.
18:45A little cute porn driver
18:46had header's eye,
18:47class bags,
18:48ghoulies,
18:48even naked lady mudflaps.
18:52We're not listening
18:53to you anymore.
18:55I'll handle this.
19:03You know, maybe
19:04I am a little jealous
19:05that they bought you a car,
19:06but you're my sister.
19:08You know, and I love you,
19:09and I'm a better writer
19:11than you are.
19:12All right,
19:14Mr. Big Shot Writer,
19:16I'll bet you buy
19:17your little sister
19:17some lunch.
19:19You got it.
19:19Okay.
19:21Hi, Louise.
19:22Always nice to see you,
19:24Susie.
19:28Mr. Bracken wants you
19:29back down in the office,
19:30Herman.
19:30Look, Louise,
19:31I don't know what the problem
19:31is between you and Jay,
19:32but it has nothing
19:33to do with Susie.
19:35Look, take it from me.
19:36You've got to find
19:36that jealous part
19:37of yourself
19:37and kick it out
19:39the little door
19:39in your brain
19:40and blow it up
19:41with a hand grenade.
19:44That sounds like
19:45some good advice.
19:46Now, let me give you
19:47some advice.
19:48Seek professional help.
19:50You know, maybe
19:50I'm not the guy
19:51you should be talking
19:51to about this.
19:52You should talk to Jay.
19:53Why don't you have him
19:54over for dinner
19:54and clear things up?
19:56Hey, trust me.
19:57It'll work.
19:58It'll work.
19:58Who is it?
20:11It's me, Jay.
20:14Hey.
20:15Okay.
20:17Let's do it.
20:19What?
20:20Well, it's what you want,
20:21right?
20:22I'm ready to go.
20:22I know you're ready to go,
20:23so let's go.
20:26Oh, good.
20:26There's food left.
20:27I'll probably be hungry
20:28afterwards.
20:30Jay, you can't come in here
20:31four hours late
20:33and just say,
20:34let's do it.
20:35Oh.
20:36Well, I tried.
20:38Jay!
20:39What the hell's wrong
20:41with you?
20:42I don't know.
20:42Then why are you avoiding
20:43going to bed with me?
20:44Because that's what
20:45you're doing, isn't it?
20:48I...
20:48Is something wrong with me?
20:50Everything is wrong
20:51with you.
20:51Everything.
20:52You're kind.
20:53You're sensitive.
20:53You're funny.
20:54You're desirable.
20:55I can change.
20:58I've just...
20:58I've never gone out
20:59with a girl like you.
21:00So you'd rather
21:00I was one of your
21:01usual bimbos?
21:02Frankly, yes.
21:03Yes.
21:04I know how to have
21:04one-night stands,
21:05not relationships.
21:06I was kind of hoping
21:08you'd show me
21:08how to make this work.
21:10You're counting on me
21:11to make this work?
21:12Well, I'm out of my
21:13ballpark here, pal.
21:14The truth is,
21:14in this relationship,
21:15you're not the virgin.
21:16I am.
21:18Doesn't this whole thing
21:19scare you?
21:20Actually, no.
21:22I mean, I know it should.
21:24It's weird.
21:25I've waited for this
21:26all my life,
21:27and I should be nervous.
21:28But I'm not.
21:29I love you.
21:32And that's how I know
21:33it's right.
21:34Oh, it's so tough.
21:40Save me.
21:40I'm so sorry.
21:42Oh, what's that
21:44incredible cologne?
21:48Actually, I had a
21:49pastrami sandwich for lunch
21:50and wiped my hands
21:51on my shirt.
21:52It reminds me of
21:53my pet raccoon, Dave.
21:56Really?
21:56You love pastrami.
21:58You're quite the
22:04smooth talker there,
22:05Louise.
22:05Guy could, uh,
22:07really fall for a
22:08girl like you.
22:09Well, I think if
22:10we're gonna fall,
22:10we ought to be
22:11closer to the bed.
22:15Louise, Louise.
22:17Be gentle with me.
22:19You want to know
22:29how I hit on a woman?
22:30I'll show you
22:30how Jay Nichols
22:32hits on a woman.
22:35Can we go back?
22:39You want to know
22:40how I hit on a woman?
22:40I'll show you
22:41how Jay Nichols
22:42hits on a woman.
22:46Okay.
22:48You want to see
22:48how I hit on a woman?
22:49Let me show you
22:50how Jay Nichols
22:51hits on a woman.
22:52Ooh.
22:53Ooh, God.
22:54I'm so...
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