- 4 weeks ago
First broadcast 2nd October 1975.
The flatmates are doing the Ropers' garden in lieu of rent and Larry gives Mildred a new plant.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
Charles Morgan - Teacher
Kenneth Watson - Police Sergeant (as Ken Watson)
Mike Savage - Dustman
John Lyons - Dustman
The flatmates are doing the Ropers' garden in lieu of rent and Larry gives Mildred a new plant.
Richard O'Sullivan - Robin
Paula Wilcox - Chrissy
Sally Thomsett - Jo
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Doug Fisher - Larry
Charles Morgan - Teacher
Kenneth Watson - Police Sergeant (as Ken Watson)
Mike Savage - Dustman
John Lyons - Dustman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Satsang with Mooji
01:00Fancy Uncle Arthur dying, of all people.
01:22He was the liveliest one in the whole family, always on the go.
01:26Yes, well, death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
01:29I suppose so.
01:31My mother says his last wish was to be buried on top of Aunt Agnes, his wife.
01:37Oh, I think that's sweet.
01:40Not really, she isn't dead yet.
01:44I suppose I have to go to the funeral.
01:46You know, he was 83.
01:4883?
01:49Wow, do you realise he probably saw the first episode of Crossroads?
01:52Oh, poor darling.
01:53No, actually, he never watched the television.
01:55Not after he lost his false teeth.
01:58No.
02:00Do you have anything black I could wear?
02:02Uh, only a see-through nightie.
02:04Might put the vicar off his stroke.
02:06Hello, dears.
02:08I'm sorry to be a nuisance.
02:09Could I possibly borrow a cup of fertiliser?
02:11Yeah, sure.
02:12Makes a change from sugar.
02:14You see, I'm doing this flower arrangement, you know, for the exhibition.
02:17Only they do droop so if you don't look after them.
02:19So I believe, yes.
02:20Is it difficult, flower arranging?
02:22Oh, no, not really, dear.
02:23No, not once you've got your base, you see.
02:25And then you stick them in, like, one at a time.
02:27It's a bit like cribbage, only with green fly.
02:29You are.
02:30This is the stuff I use.
02:31It's not really for plants.
02:32It's called lawn green.
02:33Oh, I remember him.
02:34Wasn't he Implananza?
02:37No, no, no.
02:38No, sorry, Jo.
02:39You're thinking of Fison's Evergrow.
02:41Fantastic actor.
02:42He used to play the rancher.
02:45Anyway, I'm sure it would have been lovely, dear.
02:46Thank you ever so much.
02:47Bye.
02:47Bye.
02:47Bye.
02:47Bye.
02:48Jo, Jo.
02:49I've been trying not to ask you this, but I've got to, you know.
02:52Why did he stop watching television after he lost his false teeth?
02:57Who?
02:58Your Uncle Arthur.
03:00Oh, him.
03:01Oh, no one could understand what he was talking about.
03:03And the post office kept on giving him a dog license.
03:08Jo, sometimes I think she's having us on.
03:11I think I'll have a nice little cluster of marigolds sort of spreading that way.
03:21And then, and then just here, something tall and green.
03:25There's a mouldy welly in the shed.
03:31You've just got no artistic streak in you at all, have you, George?
03:35Well, all this flower nonsense.
03:37It's a bit effeminate, isn't it?
03:38Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate.
03:41Just as you're supposed to be, er, emmasculate.
03:47Why don't you take up something useful at evening classes?
03:50Like bricklaying.
03:53Or welding.
03:55They don't make a lot of money, welders.
03:57Oh.
03:57Because I meet a better class of people in the flower arranging course.
04:01Oh, I see.
04:02That's it.
04:02We're going up in the world, are we?
04:03Up and up in with news agents and green grocers.
04:06Yeah, the middle class.
04:07I've seen them walking around with their poodles and blue rinses.
04:11And the women are just as bad.
04:13Well, at least they don't drink tea out their saucer.
04:16Well, you want me to stick me finger out?
04:18Oh, George.
04:19Ah, you're a snob, Mildred.
04:21What was it last year?
04:22Elocution lessons with that, what's-his-name fella, Harrison.
04:26Harrison.
04:27I know the real reason why you're doing this is because I'll get hay fever.
04:30Oh, George.
04:32Don't be so ridiculous.
04:34Stop it!
04:37You bring right to me the cost of a few flowers, don't you?
04:39Yes.
04:40Which I wouldn't have to buy if you cleared out that jungle of a garden of ours.
04:43How can I clear it? I've only got one welly.
04:45Well, you could hop up and down with a lawnmower once a week.
04:48Your train doesn't go till tomorrow. You'll have enough time to pack then.
04:57I know, but enough time isn't enough time for me. I need more than enough.
05:01Listen, have you got a black armband?
05:02No.
05:03Well, I've got one you can have.
05:04I bought it when Southampton were relegated.
05:07Hey, miss.
05:08Ain't you watching it, then?
05:10Hey, what? Watching what?
05:11A Miss Common Market contest.
05:13What's the matter with you? You've gone queer or something?
05:14Larry? Larry? Larry? Larry? Joe's uncle's just died.
05:22So?
05:23So, you might show a bit of sympathy.
05:26Oh, yeah.
05:28It's at times like this that one's heart goes out to those that are left behind,
05:32as well as those that have gone before to a better world.
05:37Here, wait till you see Miss Rome knock us on a lot of pair of bottles.
05:40Oh, typical.
05:41You think of women solely as sex objects, don't you?
05:45Of course I don't.
05:47From the Netherlands, Miss Zoider's Head.
05:52Oh, look at her brains on that.
05:55It's years since you touched that garden, George.
05:58It's only the bind we keeping down the nettoes that gives us a view of the broken fence.
06:02Oh.
06:03I'll grant you it's informal.
06:05Informal?
06:05Oh, it's a tip.
06:07I mean, what it needs is a bit of weeding, digging and mowing.
06:11Oh, I did all that.
06:12Yeah, three years ago.
06:15Oh.
06:16It could be ever such a nice little garden, George.
06:18We could have flower beds, a nice smooth green lawn.
06:23We can invite people in.
06:25Oh, yeah.
06:26Have another cucumber sandwich, lady muck.
06:30Do you fancy a game of crock it, Vicar?
06:33Do use a goldfish pond if you get caught short.
06:35Oh.
06:35Well, we could invite your friends, George.
06:40There are plenty of trees for them to swing from.
06:44Now, I'm warning you.
06:45If you don't do something about that garden, I'm going to get somebody in who will.
06:49Oh, that's fair enough.
06:50Right, and you can pay for it.
06:51Now, hang on.
06:51Don't be hasty.
06:52Stop that.
06:53Ah, I can't see.
06:57From Italy, Miss Rob.
06:59Hey, hi, this is the one.
07:02Yeah, I see what you mean.
07:04I'm surprised they found a sash to fit her.
07:06From France, Miss Calais.
07:12I've been there.
07:14Get away.
07:17Calais.
07:18Oh, yeah.
07:19And finally, from the United Kingdom, Miss Bridlington Spa.
07:25Look at the legs on that.
07:28I didn't know they were in the common market.
07:30Yes, they are, both of them.
07:33There we are.
07:34And while the judges make their decision, over to the Jill and Malcolm Hamer all-time formation dancers.
07:39Oh, stop that for a long time.
07:40Well, I think it's degrading.
07:42I'd like to see men prancing up and down like that.
07:45Anything to oblige?
07:46Larry?
07:47Certainly.
07:48Welcome, welcome to the finals of the Male Chauvinist Pig Contest, 1975.
08:01Our one and only contestant, Mr. South Ken.
08:05Here he is, looking absolutely ravishing in his filthy old jean.
08:14Let's hope filthy old jean knows he's got him on.
08:18Our next, deportment.
08:20Well, yes, I think we all agree.
08:28Right, he should be deported.
08:30And finally, sex appeal.
08:33Oh, Mr. South Ken wants to be a chorus boy.
08:41He is, at the moment, entertainment officer at the Mercer Lady Hospital.
08:45He enjoys his work, and, oh, good evening, Mr. Over.
08:51Evening.
08:52It's not a bad moment, is it?
08:54No.
08:55It's about time you found out about Larry, anyway.
08:58Well, what can we do for you?
08:59Oh, it's about the garden.
09:00What garden?
09:02Well, the one out the back.
09:03Well, I know you can't see a lot of it now, but underneath it all, there is one.
09:06I thought you lot ought to have the privilege of using it.
09:08What, for safaris and that?
09:11I mean, there'd be a nice lawn once you cleared it and got rid of all the...
09:14What do you mean, cleared it?
09:16Well, think for yourself.
09:17Who'd get the most pleasure?
09:18Who'd enjoy the exercise?
09:20Who's a month behind with the rent?
09:22Well, what's all it's down to you lot?
09:23Mr. Roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you've just made.
09:26Oh, what's that?
09:28Effective.
09:28Well, you know, I think tomorrow would be a very good day to start.
09:32Now, come on, Joe, you're going away tomorrow.
09:33I know.
09:34Right, tomorrow.
09:36Oh, there's a lawnmower out there somewhere.
09:38Well, there was in 1947.
09:40Well, if we find it, you know, we'll tell you.
09:42Oh, tell the bloke next door.
09:43I borrowed it off of him.
09:46Oh, don't envy you two.
09:47It's the lost world, that garden.
09:48It's one of the few places they haven't looked for Martin Borman.
09:51What?
09:51It's a bit overgrown.
09:53Overgrown?
09:53There's pockets of Japanese out there who done had a wars over.
09:56No, come on.
09:57It's not that bad.
09:59It's not going to take that long.
10:01Oh, my God.
10:04You know what this needs, don't you?
10:05Machete.
10:08What?
10:08It's Spanish for an atom bomb.
10:11Come on.
10:12Hey, listen.
10:39Do you think there are any snakes in this garden?
10:41Snakes?
10:42No.
10:44Well, in that case, I've just chopped a garden hose in half.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50LAUGHTER
10:51LAUGHTER
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55LAUGHTER
10:59LAUGHTER
11:01LAUGHTER
11:03LAUGHTER
11:05LAUGHTER
11:07LAUGHTER
11:09LAUGHTER
11:11Christy, I haven't just stuck this garden fork through your foot, have I?
11:18No?
11:19Oh...
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23LAUGHTER
11:25Oh, look at him, lazy devil, dancing about on one leg, but he should be working.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34George, go and have your bath. Get yourself smartened up for the exhibition.
11:36Well, it's not till two o'clock.
11:38Time has no meaning for you, George, once you get in there and start playing with your loofah. Go on.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:44LAUGHTER
11:45I've decided I've decided I'm not coming.
11:48Look, George, this entire course has been leading up to this exhibition.
11:52You are coming.
11:53No, I'm not.
11:54There'll be tears, George.
11:55I'm warning you, if you...
11:57Oh!
11:58Hello, dears.
12:00How's it going?
12:01Slowly, slowly.
12:02We've just finished the border.
12:03Yeah, there's just a little weed to be got rid of.
12:05Yes, George, go and have your bath.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08I'll just put this in a bit, all right?
12:11Er, hang on a minute, er, you taking those plants upstairs?
12:14Well, if you don't mind, they were growing wild, so I think...
12:17No, no, no, no, I mean, that's all right, yes.
12:19Er, shall we say, er, a quid for the lot?
12:21George!
12:22LAUGHTER
12:23Of course you can have them, love.
12:25Oh, they're nice, aren't they?
12:26Yeah. Oh, what are they called?
12:28Er, I don't know, Bill and Ben?
12:31Would you like one?
12:32Oh, I'll tell you the truth, it's exactly what I need.
12:34You know, I need something here, tall and green.
12:38Oh, well, take this one.
12:39Oh, lovely.
12:39We've got enough bills upstairs already.
12:42Er, er, Mildred, I can't find me rubber duck.
12:44It's with your shower cap.
12:47Look, George, aren't they lovely?
12:49Got that, you're doing that on purpose.
12:51Ah!
12:53Do you know, another sixteenth of an inch to the left.
12:56Well, I've lost this toe.
12:57Oh, stop making such a fuss.
12:59Come on, toes are very important.
13:00Rubbish, they're only there to stop the ends of your feet from fraying.
13:03And this is my favourite.
13:05This is the little piggy that went to market.
13:07Ah!
13:09It didn't stay at home or have roast beef or anything.
13:13It boldly went where no pig went before.
13:16To market.
13:18You know, that's just what this room needs, a bit of green.
13:20Well, I'll tell you what, hang on a bit, I might have gangrene.
13:23Good morning.
13:24I thought I'd return that packet of fags.
13:26What packet of fags?
13:27This one you're going to lend me.
13:29Ah, come on, be fair.
13:30How can I return it if you don't lend it to me?
13:32And where were you while we were slaving away?
13:34I was with you in spirit.
13:36It's just I've got this lazy body.
13:39Blimey, where'd you get this?
13:40I found it in the garden.
13:41Did you now?
13:42Well, well, well.
13:44You know what you've got there, don't you?
13:46No.
13:46No?
13:46I'll tell you.
13:47That's pot.
13:49Hash.
13:51It's a cannabis plant.
13:53Marijuana.
13:53Marijuana.
13:54Are you sure?
14:24I mean, how do you know what a cannabis plant looks like?
14:26Like they used to kick around, we got done just for possessing one of these.
14:29150 quid fine.
14:31I didn't know a cannabis plant would look like this.
14:33What do you expect?
14:34Clusters of ready-rolled joints.
14:35I'm telling you.
14:36Well, how did it get in the garden?
14:38The squatters.
14:39The squatters.
14:40Number 12, right?
14:41They used to grow their own stuff.
14:43You know, food.
14:44Yeah, yeah.
14:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:45So they grew this stuff.
14:46You know, and the seeds.
14:48And the wind.
14:49Yeah, like it, like it.
14:50You stick to that story.
14:51Get a bit of doubt in the jury's mind.
14:53But what are we going to do with it?
14:55What do you mean, we?
14:56It's nothing to do with me.
14:57I don't know either of them, Inspector.
15:00I'll tell you what we'll do.
15:02We'll burn it.
15:03Oh, yeah.
15:04Great idea.
15:04Shovel some more coal on the radiators.
15:06I mean, outside.
15:07You know, we'll make a bonfire.
15:08Oh, yeah.
15:09And then the smoke drifts around.
15:10Half the neighbourhood gets stoned.
15:13Tell you what we'll do.
15:13We'll chop it up, right?
15:15And we'll flush it down the loo.
15:17Look, that thing blocks up if you tap your ash into it.
15:21Er, I tell you what.
15:22Let's bury it in the garden.
15:24Great idea.
15:25Next year, old crux comes up.
15:28We'll sling it in the dustbin.
15:29No, no.
15:30No, no.
15:30No.
15:31The dustbin.
15:32You know, they might recognise it.
15:33What?
15:33Come on, Larry did.
15:35Then they'll send it off to the police.
15:37Well, look, why don't we take it to the police?
15:38No, no.
15:38What we'll do, we'll put it on the balcony, right?
15:41We'll get the cat next door to peel over it, right?
15:44Come on.
15:45That's how you lose most of your plants.
15:46Look, we're innocent.
15:47We've got nothing to be afraid of.
15:49The police would know what to do with it.
15:51Yeah.
15:52That is a sensible, logical suggestion.
15:56I don't like it.
16:03You know, technically, we are committing offence just because we're having this.
16:10No, when I was a kid, I was told that policemen are our friends.
16:13Listen, when you were a kid, they were.
16:16Look at him.
16:24Good afternoon.
16:26My name is...
16:27He doesn't need to know that.
16:28He doesn't need to know that.
16:29Not yet, anyway.
16:30Not yet, anyway.
16:33Um, I've come here on behalf...
16:38Well, just to ask a question, really, on behalf of a friend of mine.
16:41You don't know him.
16:42I don't know you either.
16:45No, no.
16:46Um, but if he, my friend, um, sorry, committed an offence without meaning to, you know, uh,
16:53innocently, would he still be guilty?
16:57What sort of offence?
16:59Well, you know, it could be anything.
17:00Parking a car.
17:03Drinking after hours.
17:05Possession of drugs.
17:06Uh, well, 40 lights on a car.
17:08Drugs?
17:09He didn't just say drugs.
17:10What sort of drugs?
17:11I didn't just say drugs.
17:12I said 40 lighting, car parking.
17:14I mean, he might have said overdue library books.
17:16That's an offence technically, you know.
17:17What do you mean by possession, son?
17:19You're a bit hot on that, aren't you?
17:22Well, actually, it's a plant.
17:25Someone's planted drugs on you.
17:27No, no, no.
17:29Well, now, look, why don't you tell me what this is all about, eh?
17:31I don't think so, eh?
17:33Son.
17:33As far as I'm concerned, you and your friend can park your car, you can fill it full of
17:41overdue library books, you can flash the 40 headlights on and off until you're blue in
17:45the face.
17:46Thank you very much.
17:47It's harmless.
17:47But when it comes to drugs, that's a different matter.
17:51I'd better take a statement.
17:53Fine.
17:55Fine.
17:56Fine.
17:57I shall need your name and address and any details you can give me about this offence so that
18:03I can...
18:04That's it.
18:26Sling it in the bin.
18:28Excuse me.
18:29Um, do you, er, do you examine the contents of the dustbin before you empty them?
18:36Oh, yeah.
18:38Well, you never know what little treasure you might find.
18:40A rotten fish head?
18:42Used corn plaster?
18:43I mean, they're all little luxuries to humble folk like me.
18:46Oh, he wasn't trying to insult you.
18:47What he meant was, um, do you know anything about botany?
18:52Botany?
18:53Yes, botany.
18:54You know, um, plants and that, what they are.
18:56I know what botany is.
18:57Ah.
18:58It's plants and that.
18:59But I don't know what they are.
19:00Great.
19:01Sling it in the dustbin.
19:02Right.
19:03Um, do any of your mates know anything about it?
19:06Botany?
19:07Dunno.
19:08Oi.
19:10Know anything about botany?
19:12No.
19:13I've got a degree in philosophy, if that's any good.
19:15No, no, no.
19:17Only Liz's instruction.
19:18I've got an O-level on that.
19:20I don't think so.
19:21No, see, all I want to do is get rid of this plant.
19:24Is that all?
19:25Sling it in there.
19:27In there.
19:29How about Woodward?
19:42I know a bit about that.
19:43Well, I don't know about our policemen, but I think our dustmen are wonderful.
19:50Agreed.
19:50Do you know, for one moment I actually sort of felt guilty.
19:53Any minute I expected this hand on my shoulder.
19:55Well, it's all over now.
19:56Oh, don't do that.
19:57Sorry.
19:59Oh, well, you can relax now, because...
20:02No, wait a minute, don't relax.
20:04Oh, too late, I've relaxed.
20:05Well, stop it.
20:06Why?
20:07I've just realised.
20:08I gave the other one of those plants to Mrs. Roper for her flower arrangement.
20:11You didn't.
20:12Here, listen.
20:13I've just had a thought.
20:14What you do is, you wrap that plant up, right?
20:16You post it to yourself marked, highly valuable, and a postman will nick it, won't he?
20:19There might be two of them.
20:25Well, all the better.
20:25One of them's bound to nick it.
20:27Look, I'd better go and tell her.
20:28Who?
20:28Mrs. Roper.
20:29Oh, she's not there.
20:30They went out half hour ago, carrying that flower arrangement.
20:33You what?
20:34Yeah, she's gone to this exhibition thing.
20:46Straighten yourself up, George.
20:48Come on, stand properly.
20:49Did you put your clean underpants on?
20:55What exactly are they judging?
20:57Everything.
21:00Have you been?
21:01No.
21:03Then you're going to have to wait.
21:05Ah, what a splendid effort, Miss Dreyfell.
21:09Oh, what a splendid effort.
21:14They've got the local press here, George.
21:16Oh, yeah.
21:17Yeah.
21:17But don't smile.
21:19It makes you look simple.
21:22A telephone for me?
21:24I can't.
21:24George, you're going to have to go, but come straight back.
21:27All right.
21:28What sort of panic about it?
21:29It might not get recognised.
21:30They're bound to.
21:31The place will be full of experts.
21:33Hello?
21:34Mrs. Roper?
21:35Well, do I look like her?
21:37Well, do I look like her?
21:38Hey, what?
21:39Chris, are you?
21:40Yeah.
21:40Oh.
21:40Oh, yeah.
21:41Yeah.
21:42She's got what?
21:44Can of what?
21:46Oh, this.
21:49Yeah, cannabis.
21:52Cannabis?
21:52Yeah, but isn't that the stuff that you get?
21:57Yeah, well, I know it's illegal.
21:58Yeah, right.
21:59Are you sure?
22:01Yeah, right.
22:01I'll tell you.
22:02Oh, my God.
22:05Mildred.
22:06Quiet, George.
22:06I'm next.
22:07Yeah, but if they see that...
22:08Quiet!
22:08Yeah, oh.
22:13Oh, oh.
22:14Oh, George.
22:16George.
22:17Ah, Mrs. Roper.
22:20Poem of the Hedgerows.
22:22Now, here's a very, um...
22:25Hmm.
22:28Yes, uh, very unusual.
22:30Hmm-hmm.
22:31Uh, casual.
22:33Yes.
22:33Perhaps, uh, not your best work, Mrs. Roper.
22:37However, um...
22:38Why, George?
22:40Why?
22:41I didn't think they should see that plant, Mildred.
22:43Ah, on the contrary.
22:44Now, that's exactly the sort of thing it needed.
22:48Grevillea Robusta.
22:50What?
22:51Grevillea Robusta.
22:53Silk Bark Oak.
22:55Silk Bark Oak?
22:57Is it not cannabis?
22:59No!
23:00George!
23:00But...
23:01Yeah, well, I've said I'm sorry.
23:07Oh, I'm not that bothered, love.
23:09I mean, after all, I did get my picture in the paper.
23:12It's more than the winner did.
23:14Actually, Mrs. Roper, you know, it really wasn't Chris's fault.
23:18Oh, I know whose fault it was, love.
23:21Percy Thrower upstairs.
23:23He's been avoiding me.
23:24Oh, hello, Mrs. Roper.
23:25Hello, love.
23:26Did I hear Larry's voice just now?
23:27Uh, no.
23:29Oh, I thought I did.
23:32Oh, there you are.
23:34Hello!
23:36Hello, Mr. Simmons.
23:38I want a word with you.
23:39Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know nothing about plants, do I?
23:41I mean, it looked like it.
23:42Well, sort of, well, I thought it did.
23:43Oh, yeah.
23:44I mean, I didn't know they were going to phone you, did I?
23:45No, don't go away!
23:49I think it was your fault.
23:51Fancy you believing Larry.
23:52He's even more stupid than Joe.
23:54Oh, thank you very much.
23:56As it so happens, I know quite a lot about botany,
24:00and it's quite obvious that this is not a cannabis plant.
24:03It is?
24:04Of course it is.
24:05You only have to compare it.
24:07Compare it with what?
24:08With this.
24:10Now, that is a cannabis plant.
24:13What?
24:16Oh, yes.
24:17Thank you very much.
24:47Thank you very much.
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