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Tv, Allo Allo S2E04 - Swiftly and with Style
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00:00The End
00:29I'm probably wondering what I am doing driving a German armored car.
00:34Well, I have been helping the captain to blow up a train with a sausage on it.
00:40I know that this does not sound important, but it is.
00:45The sausage is being sent to Hitler.
00:48He thinks that it contains the priceless portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
00:54That painting is in fact in the sausage in my cellar.
00:59That four-eyed burke up there behind the gun turret,
01:03who could not hit a barn door at 20 paces, failed to hit the train.
01:09So now Hitler will receive an empty sausage.
01:14When that happens, my friend, the Canuckwurst will really hit the fan.
01:18However, one disaster at a time.
01:24If I can park this thing back at my cafe before anybody realizes that we have nicked it,
01:30well, at least I will not get done for taking and driving away an armored car without the permission of the owner.
01:40Melga, you will drive.
01:42Do not worry, Lieutenant.
01:51You may rely on the Gestapo to find your missing tank.
01:55When we do, the occupants will be short.
01:59Colonel, it is rather chilly.
02:01Shall I place this rug over our knees?
02:03No.
02:05The cold air will be good first.
02:07Particularly you.
02:11Which way, Herr Flick?
02:13We will follow the obvious tire marks of the stolen armored car.
02:17What is going on?
02:27This stupid Englishman, disguised as a policeman,
02:30told the lieutenant that his tank had been stolen.
02:32I did not know that it had been drove away by René.
02:37René who walks in the beer.
02:40Idiot.
02:41It is.
02:42Herr Flick has a gun.
02:43If he finds René, he will shoot him.
02:45Oh, no.
02:46We must ask you him.
02:48We will follow.
02:50We will use the bicycles of the customers.
02:52Come.
02:59Madame Evelyn, do you have a spanner or a wrench?
03:03Do it, me with.
03:04I must lower my saddle.
03:05Otherwise, my feet will not reach your pedals.
03:08Sit on the crossbar.
03:10And watch out for that three-speed gear.
03:15Captain.
03:22What is it?
03:23A word of warning.
03:25This time, mind the bridge.
03:28I will.
03:30Oh!
03:35The ammunition lorry will be here in a few minutes.
03:38Let us put in place the roadblock.
03:40The tracks are faint, but they are still visible.
03:58Straight on.
03:59Yvette, Maria, pull down your skirts.
04:02You want to get my café a bed name?
04:04It does not hurt you ever does.
04:06I must go and see to the welfare of the British airmen.
04:14How are you getting on there, chaps?
04:16What's happening?
04:17Yes.
04:18How much longer do we have to stay out?
04:20You're not due for milking until 5.30.
04:22I'm jolly hungry.
04:24Here's a bar of chocolate.
04:29You have to blow up an ammunition lorry.
04:32Then we'll see if we can rustle up some soup.
04:34Oh, good, Cheryl.
04:35Henriette, have you connected the terminals to the plungeur?
04:39I have.
04:40Where are the explosives?
04:41They're over there.
04:45They are buried in the road.
04:47Good.
04:48Has there no sign of the ammunition lorry?
04:50Look, an armoured car is approaching from the other direction.
04:55Get your guns at the ready.
04:59If we can hold it up for a few moments, the lorry will be here,
05:02and we can fulfil our mission for France.
05:07Michelle, you are the bravest girl that I know.
05:12You too, Henriette.
05:18God bless our mission.
05:20God bless France.
05:32What is that in the road?
05:35It is a farm wagon.
05:37It is very badly parked.
05:40Get out and move it.
05:42Ready?
05:45Fire!
05:45Fire!
05:45Fire!
05:46Fire!
05:47Fire!
05:47Fire!
05:48Fire!
05:49Fire!
05:49Fire!
05:50Fire!
05:51Fire!
05:52Fire!
05:53Fire!
05:54Fire!
05:55Fire!
05:56Fire!
05:57Fire!
05:58Fire!
05:59Fire!
06:00Fire!
06:01Fire!
06:02Fire!
06:03Fire!
06:04Fire!
06:05Fire!
06:06Fire!
06:07Fire!
06:08Fire!
06:09Fire!
06:10Fire!
06:11Fire!
06:12Fire!
06:13it is the white flag of surrender look it is Rene
06:28you traitor so you have joined the Germans this gentleman kindly helped me to borrow the tank so
06:39so we could blow up the train the one you refused to blow up because you were blowing
06:43up an ammunition lorry that is why we are here well you're wasting your time as soon as we heard
06:48you were going to blow it up we cancelled it who told you he did collaborator Michel it is all part
07:00of a very complicated plan to do with Hitler and a sausage and a lot of paintings which would take
07:06too long to explain I don't understand half of it myself the staff car is approaching what our mission
07:15is blown we must stop her quick what are you doing with human's little tank I too would like to know
07:35the answer to that question well colonel you see it's quite clear to see what has happened here flick
07:41Rene overheard a plot by the resistance to blow up an ammunition lorry assisted by the captain he
07:49borrowed the armored car and with great bravery found the roadblock and fought off the resistance
07:55who even now can be seen running across the fields I was just about to say all that
08:01I've been a very fierce vessel my armored car is covered with little dents and there is mud all
08:11over the fields I am not entirely convinced by this story I have found proof her flick
08:18see this device is commonly used by the resistance when they're going to blow something up
08:27what nonsense this is an ordinary tire pump which has been discarded by a passing motorist this would
08:36not even blow up tire you have exploded the Gestapo car well that's nothing to worry about the Gestapo could always get another car from Berlin I shall not be informing Berlin
09:03I shall not be informing Berlin of this incident I do not wish to look a right Nana
09:10you fool
09:17you fool
09:19you fool
09:20you fool
09:21you fool
09:22you fool
09:23that covers
09:24Dr. Nkoba
09:25you will drive us home
09:26what's going on now Fairfax
09:29a lot of girls in their scanties are climbing onto men's bicycles
09:32and their scanties are climbing on to men's bicycles oh come on what's really going on
09:38i never want to go through a night like that again when it gets his hands on the colonel sausage
10:05and fans no painting the colonel and the captain will have had their chips good riddance speaking
10:12for myself i am up to ear with sausages and paintings and gestapo and escaping airmen all
10:19i want is a quiet life customers go away that's not high open until nine daddy
10:30it is the colonel and the captain oh my god what now let them in
10:43wait france close the curtains colonel why are you dressed like that is is the war over for us
10:50very likely when hitler gets that empty sausage and the telegram from the colonel he will send
10:56some very nasty men to look for us you must help us get away yes sir we thought switzerland would do
11:05very nicely we know you run an escape route yes we need papers we know you have a forger oh dear
11:11colonel i think you have quite the wrong idea about me i i am just a simple cafe owner renee if you do
11:18not help us do not help us i will drop you in it what are you going to use for money we have the
11:24painting and we'll pay all for the troops when the troops find out will they not be cross they will be
11:32hopping mad oh my god is that stupid british idiot who thinks he can speak french
11:54good morning
12:02um i would offer you a cognac officer but i know you are not allowed to drink on duty so goodbye i have
12:09come to express my regrets for the bills of last night yes well there will be an even bigger bills
12:16up this morning if you do not go away i have good nose yes yes you are very handsome now please go
12:24my nose is as follows the troon carrying the sausage has been bummed by the raf
12:34bummed by the raf bummed by the raf what have sir naughty raf been up to now
12:43bombed an ammunition train did they destroy it there were little pisses all over the track
12:49oh my god this calls for a drink
12:56oh it is yvette maria
13:03how much longer am i to be ignored oh oh jeez where have you been i have not seen you for days
13:12do not be silly mama i gave you your lunch listen i have good news monsieur alphonse the undertaker is
13:21calling oh i think he is in love with me oh it is so romantic i think he is coming to propose to me
13:37do you remember we met him in the square he has a mustache oh yes yes i remember him well he had a little
13:45stiff one oh yes such manners and today this arrived and on it was his little card with the love message
13:56uh swiftly and we style he has a high opinion of himself no no no mama the other side i always think
14:14engagement wings are such romantic pretty things and still before my life is done i would dearly like to
14:23give you one
14:30could you read the first part again quick shut the door where is my wife she's upstairs dressed up like
14:42the dinner of a dog she's going to parade herself yet again in the town square oh but renee you should
14:48be happy if she marries you will be free and without a solitary sue we will have money we will borrow
14:55explosives from the resistance blur the safe nick the money and add in a little galette in paris
15:03and make love day and night until the war is over oh
15:09the very thought of it makes me go weak at the knees oh not her again
15:18now listen very carefully i shall say this only once the escape package brought by this british agent
15:38was damaged in the landing you must help us to mend it mend it i don't even know what it is
15:43it is it is a balloon made of silk filled without air it will lift the basket with the airmen and
15:51with a favorable wind take them back across the channel brilliant and what do you want a needle and
15:56cotton some of the fabric is torn away and missing we need silk to replace it silk where am
16:04i supposed to find silk the urgent crop tree has a plan which you will explain you must go and get your
16:11hands on girls knockers he means silk knickers sorry perhaps my french cod be butter i will give up my
16:27knickers for france always the patriot all the girls in the resistance will sacrifice their knickers
16:38when i hear words like that it brings a lump to my throat but even that will not be enough well
16:46how many pairs of knickers do you require at least 40 or or even 50
17:00i will try for 50. honey is your wife's mother passed away well if she has she did not tell me
17:10why do you ask outside is torn up a horse with a horse an horse earth outside my cafe what can that mean
17:22renee go away what it is monsieur alpons he has come to court me
17:28ah the widow artois
17:31you look so pale and beautiful how can this man see to bury people
17:45i think you have met the twin brother of my husband ah monsieur how fortunate it is that you are here
17:52as i wish to make my intentions known to you you may speak with complete frankness monsieur
17:58my girls cater to every taste
18:03you clumsy hoof monsieur alpons has come to us for my hand in marriage what that is correct
18:09renee where is your hospitality let us be seated and have some wine renee a cognac for monsieur alpons
18:17i believe you are the next of kin and guardian this enchanting lady therefore you would wish to know
18:29what i have to offer yes what does an old undertaker have to offer
18:36monsieur as you know i have my own undertaker's establishment
18:40and since the war business has been very brisk it is an ill wind as they say
18:53now monsieur
18:56i have two horses and four horses
18:59four horses renee
19:01he should have good rhubarb
19:02i have 236 feet of plain oak stocks of elm pine etc
19:11i have 26 marble angels 12 concrete cherubs 100 weight of assorted handles
19:17and eight gallons of embalming fluid cheers
19:22sounds a very good business renee who could refuse a man with all those coffins and eight gallons of
19:28embalming fluids i should also mention i have a small earth with a smaller horse
19:35very handy for shopping
19:39my house
19:41i have a spacious apartment
19:43equipped with every luxury and where is this apartment over the mortuary
19:50it was furnished by my late wife who was taken suddenly in the night
19:56well at least she did not have far to go
19:59of course i realize beautiful lady that you have the pick of the town
20:05that you also have younger suitors more um often together
20:13in the toughest wood i also have driving ambition one day i aim to have a little
20:20crematorium of my own
20:29i am going to be a nervous wreck in a minute
20:32i realize of course that you cannot come to a decision at this moment anyway hey it is time
20:39i went as i am due to lay the widow montclair
20:47out in half an hour
20:50well you have certainly given us a lot to think about well my respects monsieur
20:56ladies
20:56widow artois
21:04i await your decision with anguish
21:09you can always get me on my night line
21:13i give the 24-hour service
21:31locknet bull no good and let out the gas
21:41i see a big bear
21:51what are you doing
21:54pardon madame i am doing it for france
21:58i have to have your knickers
21:59yes
22:11yes helga what can we do for you judging from past experience very little
22:17colonel i have something very serious to report and it is very personal a bun in the oven
22:24how dare you
22:28your mom's friends what is it i have to report that i have lost my knickers
22:34it's on the right line
22:39are you in love with the fellow it happened just now in the garden they were removed when i was not
22:44even looking what daylight they were taken from the line they were my best silk funds oh the the ones with the little spastic around the edge
22:55hans how did you know when did you see helga's knickers
22:58uh it was uh christmas when she was when she was hanging up the holly
23:04no wonder you were so keen to hold up the ladder
23:07what do you think you do
23:11arrest some peasants and shoot them helga even germans cannot shoot people for one pair of knickers
23:18you're right colonel after all what is in a pair of knickers
23:22in the town under your command there is serious indiscipline
23:38could you be more specific her flick
23:40my agents report that there are many knickers disappearing in this town
23:45really what kind of a man would do that kinky
23:49mine were removed only a few moments ago
23:55not the ones with the little swastikas
23:59the very same
24:02suddenly this minor incident has taken a very serious turn
24:07when ordinary french knickers are removed one could look the other way
24:12to remove the knickers of glorious german army womanhood can only result in one penalty
24:18life death
24:22what do you wish me to do here flick
24:24a man suspected of the stealing was seen going into the back door of cafe renee
24:30you will investigate at once heavily
24:32hey
24:35you seem very far away renee you have not spoken to me all morning
24:46my heart is full of sadness edith
24:49it seems after all these years of magic i am to lose you to a director of funerals
24:57your heart is full of sadness because you are worried about losing the cafe
25:00but i have been thinking renee i cannot do this to you after all these years
25:07oh edith you have made me very happy i will let you stay on as a barman
25:12no no i i could not stay here and watch the two of you climb those stairs together
25:20oh renee i promise you i would never do that with him we will climb the stairs at his place
25:26that does it i will go now no longer can i put a brave face on this tragic affair
25:40oh renee do i really mean so much to you and is it true you could not live without me
25:48oh and if i promise to marry you will you promise forever more to be faithful to me
26:01and do you find me as beautiful as ever
26:09then although it will break monsieur alphonse's heart i will tell him i am destined for another
26:16there is another one
26:18i am glad i can still make you happy
26:37these flowers here were on the doorstep they are addressed to you they are from a monsieur alphonse
26:44i hear he intends to marry you no i have made up my mind i am going to marry renee
26:50i am afraid so
27:04congratulations
27:05the eternal triangle
27:12ah colonel oh welcome to my humble cafe i am afraid this is an official visit ready
27:20line up your staff immediately oh yes of course colonel come in here all of you the colonel wishes to speak
27:26with you uh was it the rabbit last night colonel it was not the rabbit oh i see well then uh may i inquire the
27:34nature of the nature of your problem knickers i am sorry i asked now pay attention all of you
27:42there are missing in this town many pairs of silk knickers including a pair formerly occupied by a member
27:51of the german of the german of the german of the german staff who shall remain nameless helga
28:03they will twist to this address i require an explanation well colonel it is very simple uh we wanted the silk which is in very short supply uh to make a wedding dress
28:15a wedding dress a wedding dress how how romantic
28:22who's it for you me i am to be married who's the lucky man it is i alphonse director of funerals swiftly and with styles
28:34i am to marry the brother of my late husband granny
28:42really oh
28:47monsieur a few hours ago i came here as a man of honor to ask you for this lady's hand
28:54you have humiliated you have insulted me i will have satisfaction it is too late for that she has chosen me
29:09i am a man of honor monsieur you will be hearing from me
29:12and my representatives will arrange the time and the place
29:24he will not take no for an answer will he he has challenged you to a duel
29:31what oh yes men are fighting over me oh shut up
29:37colonel colonel you must have friends i need papers i have to get away please
29:41swiftly and with style oh my god
30:00so
30:11oh
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