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Tv, Allo Allo S3E05 - Pretty Maids All in a Row
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00:00You
00:30Do you by any chance wish to know how I, René Artois, hero of the resistance, escaped in
00:36a gypsy caravan pulled by a piebald pony from a German colonel and captain driving
00:41a steamroller fueled by nutty slack?
00:44Hmm?
00:45Not an everyday occurrence, you will admit, but I will tell you.
00:49I outpaced them, but only after the airmen and the waitresses, my wife, my wife's mother,
00:56and Monsieur Leclerc disguised as a diddy coy got out to push when we became stuck in
01:01a rut.
01:02I galloped off, apparently out of control, but I am now hiding the priceless portrait of
01:09the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klomp in the back of this worthless painting
01:14of some childish flowers, given to my wife's mother by a penniless artist in return for
01:20our favours.
01:21Which evidently were not all that valuable, even all those years.
01:26René, it is time we opened the café.
01:29Have you finished hiding the painting yet?
01:31There it is.
01:32It is behind your mother's floral tribute.
01:35And where are we going to hang a great big frame like that?
01:38In the most obvious place, on the wall of the café.
01:42But if you hang it there, will it not be in danger of being hidden by the captain?
01:55With any luck, yes.
01:56I have just come from the town square.
02:01It is full of tanks and soldiers.
02:04Yes.
02:05There has been a proclamation.
02:06General von Klinkhofen has found the engine to his motor moor in the remains of that aeroplane.
02:11They are going to search out to us for British airmen.
02:14Anyone found hiding them will be shot.
02:17Oh, my God.
02:18Where are they?
02:19They must give themselves up.
02:20They cannot do that.
02:21They have no uniforms.
02:22Without uniforms, they will be shot as spies.
02:25Well, they have had a good run for their money.
02:28And they have still got their British underwear.
02:31We will vouch for them, Edith.
02:34I will phone the Colonel now.
02:35Coward!
02:36Oh, collaborator!
02:38Would you betray these fearless heroes to our sworn enemies?
02:42What do you mean, fearless heroes?
02:44All they do is hide.
02:46We are the fearless heroes, Edith.
02:49And I will tell you another thing.
02:50The Germans are our customers.
02:52They spend very good money in here.
02:54You get your priorities right.
02:56Hey, Edith!
02:59I have solved the problem with the two British airmen.
03:03I use the razor from your bathroom.
03:06Oh, Maria.
03:08How little I know you.
03:10What have you done with the bodies?
03:12Well, Edith will shave off their moustaches.
03:15Oh, fantastic.
03:17That will fool the Germans completely.
03:20Can we come down now?
03:22Come.
03:23Oh, my God.
03:32Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.
03:37Nobody will suspect them.
03:39They look like the staff.
03:41Edith, the Germans take the staff upstairs from time to time.
03:47Now, if they took these two upstairs, do you not think their suspicions would become aroused?
03:52We are much more attractive.
03:54They will take us.
03:56And suppose there is a rush?
03:58What are they saying, Fairfax?
04:01Having the faintest idea, it's all in French.
04:03Well, if the Germans want to take them upstairs, they must not go.
04:06What's all that about?
04:17Well, I think he's saying that if Hitler pops in and asks us to go upstairs, we're not to go.
04:22Is it the right man, then?
04:23Oh, yes.
04:24And do not speak.
04:26Shhh.
04:29What was that about?
04:31Well, I think he means that if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anybody.
04:35Well, it's not the sort of thing you boast about, is it?
04:40We understand.
04:45Who is that?
04:47It is the Colonel and the Captain.
04:50Oh, my God.
04:51We must open the cafe.
04:52It is now.
04:53Maria, get these two into the kitchen, will you?
04:54Oh, oh.
04:58Oh, welcome, Colonel.
05:00Welcome.
05:01Our best customers over here.
05:02Please, drinks for the Colonel and the Captain.
05:05Thank you, sir.
05:06Sit down, René.
05:07Oh, yes, of course.
05:10Now, what is going on?
05:13The motor mower engine was fixed to an antique airplane.
05:16How do you explain this?
05:18Oh, I expect it was an Oaks, Colonel.
05:21A sort of practical joke.
05:23We French are like that, you know, anything for a laugh.
05:26I have put two and two together.
05:28The colonel is very good at that.
05:30Airplanes are flown by airmen.
05:33You see?
05:35Do you promise me, René, that you are not trying to help British airmen to escape?
05:39Oh, Colonel, would I risk all this for that?
05:42Whoever is responsible has stirred up an oar in its nest.
05:46General Von Klinkhofen is doing his pieces.
05:49He finds you searching for the airmen, he may discover the painting.
05:53Is it safe?
05:55It is under your very nose.
05:58In here?
05:59Behind the bar.
06:00No.
06:01Under the table.
06:02You are getting warmer.
06:07Where can it be?
06:10I spy with my little eyes.
06:13Something beginning with...
06:16P.
06:17Piano.
06:18No.
06:19This is a silly game.
06:22What is it?
06:24It is in that picture.
06:26That is what I spy with my little eye.
06:28With my eyes.
06:29What a good place.
06:31I would never have thought of looking there.
06:33I know.
06:36Colonel, the news is serious.
06:38General Von Klinkhofen is looking for you.
06:41He stormed into your office demanding to know where you were.
06:43What did you tell him?
06:44I said that as it was 5.30 you'd not talk for an hour or two
06:47to have a quick run at the boozer
06:50before resuming your search.
06:52Why didn't you tell him I was searching somewhere?
06:54He is such a dominating man.
06:56His powerful stare makes me filth and go weak.
06:59I cannot say no to a man like that.
07:02Oh, I wish I had that kind of stare.
07:05You must drink up and get going otherwise we're for the high jump.
07:09Well, I'm with you.
07:10I'm only obeying your orders.
07:12General Von Klinkhofen.
07:13Oh!
07:17Stand up you peasants!
07:18Stand up!
07:19Up against the wall!
07:21Hands on heads!
07:25Stand still!
07:26My legs up!
07:27What are you doing with your hands on your head?
07:29I'm sorry, General.
07:30Your powerful stare makes me wilt and go weak.
07:33I cannot say no to a man like you.
07:35Who is this idiot?
07:36He's my second in command.
07:37What do you mean by drinking here when you should be searching?
07:39We were looking for something suspicious.
07:40Do you expect to find something suspicious in the bottom of the glass?
07:41You are incompetent.
07:42Yes, General.
07:43I agree.
07:44Bishop, probably have you court-martialed.
07:45Yes, General.
07:46General, I think at this point I should say that I was only acting under the colonel's
07:47orders.
07:48Stupid though they were.
07:49Silence!
07:50General, I can vouch for the fact that they have just searched this place most thoroughly
07:55and while doing so they beat seven of the soldiers.
07:56I have a second in command.
07:57I have a second in command.
07:58What do you mean by drinking here when you should be searching?
08:00We were looking for something suspicious.
08:01Do you expect to find something suspicious in the bottom of the glass?
08:02You are incompetent.
08:03Yes, General.
08:04Yes, General.
08:05General, I think at this point I should say that I was only acting under the colonel's
08:08orders, stupid though they were.
08:09Silence!
08:10General, I can vouch for the fact that they have just searched this place most thoroughly
08:16and while doing so they beat several peasants and kicked the proprietor in a quite brutal
08:21fashion.
08:26Good.
08:27This will go in their favour.
08:29Now, let us see what we have caught in our little net.
08:46It is I, LeClaire.
08:47The pianist, General.
08:48Oh, the pianist.
08:49Can you play in the mood?
08:53We have found these two lurking in the kitchen.
09:03I see.
09:04What are these?
09:05Well, um...
09:06They are the staff here, General.
09:07Yes.
09:08This is Fifi and Gigi.
09:09I have not seen these two before.
09:10No.
09:11And it is not easy to miss the one on the left with the big Charlies.
09:14They are new girls from out of town, General.
09:15We are so busy we had to take on extra staff.
09:20Are these the girls of, uh, easy virtue I've heard about?
09:21Well, fairly easy.
09:22There is much work to do in my chateau.
09:27They are requisitioned.
09:28They will start first thing in the morning.
09:29Oh, but General, I will be short-handed.
09:31They may return here each evening to entertain my troops.
09:34You are most kind, General.
09:35That is all.
09:36Come over.
09:37That painting.
09:38Oh, a worthless piece of rubbish, General.
09:41Hey, is that not so, Colonel?
09:42I...
09:43I...
09:44I...
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10:33of the chateau and we will give you our seat. Take it. We will continue our search. Colonel,
10:38Captain, follow me. Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!
10:52Oh, shut up! My God, Edith, what are we going to do with these two?
10:58We must tell Michelle at once. Michelle knows already.
11:03How did you get there? In the resistance, we are trying to appear and disappear like phantoms.
11:08I use the trapdoor to the cellar behind the bar. Now listen, chaps, there's a real flap on.
11:15Chances are you're going to get spotted in the next 24 hours. But if they find us without
11:19our uniforms, we'll be shot as spies. Without uniforms, we can't even give ourselves up.
11:24Exactly. Will somebody please tell me what is going on? We must get them into uniform or
11:30because they will be shot. But they have no uniforms. Quick, we must get on the wireless
11:35to London. Come along, chaps. Right-o. Hang on while I lock the till. What are you going
11:40to do about the poorly madonna? Absolutely nothing. The general has solved my problem for me. It
11:46is now up to the Colonel to get the painting back. Quick, we are wasting time. It is. It is. Come
11:56quickly to my assistance. What is the matter now, Mama? Why is my bed full of white-haired old ladies?
12:05Take no notice. She is hallucinating. Hallucinating? How many pairs of feet do you think your poor
12:15old mazarin la possesses? We were hardly from the genres. We heard we would not be a heist
12:23of the trustee trustee's old crones. Give me a subtle tattoo, please. My God, they are calling
12:30us. My God, Carstairs, the things you see when you haven't got your guns. Hello, Nighthawk.
12:39Hello, Nighthawk. Hello, Nighthawk. The airmen have not arrived. We must assume they have crashed
12:45in the Chanel. There will now be a two-minute silence. Over. No, no. Hello, hello. No, they
12:52are still here. They are disguised as French maids, but they could be penetrated at any moment.
12:58Over. Obviously an emergency. What can we do? Over. Send British uniforms tonight. Without
13:06them, they will be shot. Over. Sorry. No planes available for one week. All being used to make
13:13film called F for Freddy. Over. No, I know. Was that good news? I'm afraid not. We need
13:22a new plan. We'll have to get our thinking caps on. If we don't get you into uniform pretty
13:27damn quick, I'm afraid you've had it. Girls, please take off those ridiculous wigs.
13:34from Smallhausen. Can you hear anything? We have ceased transmitting, Herr Flick. It is fortunate
13:57we discovered the wavelengths they were employing. We have also discovered that there are two
14:04British airmen disguised as French maids. Do you wish me to search all the French maids
14:12in the town? What makes you think you would gain entry into any house with your hat covered
14:19in bird droppings?
14:26Herr Flick, I have brought you a cup of Gestapo instant beef tea. You are late. And where
14:36are the croutons? I'm sorry, Herr Flick. Was there anything good on the wireless? We have evidence
14:42that there are two British airmen disguised as French maids. There are two new maids
14:49at the Café René. Did you notice anything strange about them? Nothing I could put my finger
14:55on, Herr Flick. We will investigate. What is so funny? To me, Henley, can I do you now, sir?
15:09Good morning. Good morning. Outside the front of your coffee under the limp post are a couple
15:33of tits. He means tarts. We know about them. They are the British airmen in disguise. There
15:43is a big search going on for them. Get out there. Make sure that nobody picks them up. Hmm?
15:49Leave it to moo.
16:05These heels are killing me. You're the one who insisted on wearing them.
16:10Well, I've got jolly good ankles. What are you going to do if someone tries to pick you
16:17up? Oh, I'll take good weeks. You look revolting. Caving a punter.
16:23Move along, you windy little man. René, it is your wanted in the back room. It is Michel.
16:40Oh, wake. Monsieur Leclerc. Madame. Supervise the café. And keep your fingers out of the till.
16:47I have plans to hide the airmen where they will never be found. For this operation, I have
17:04recruited the bravest man in all France. I thought I was the bravest man in all France.
17:09Not since you galloped off alone in that gypsy caravan. Pay attention.
17:18Monsieur Alphonse. Undertaker. Swiftly and with style.
17:23Gracious, beautiful Madame. I kiss your hand.
17:28Every night before I go to sleep, I think about you for ten minutes.
17:34Sometimes longer.
17:43Forgive me, Monsieur, but you will be aware that to this gorgeous lady I have forever lost my heart.
17:50And apparently your marbles.
17:53Madame. Madame.
17:56Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.
17:59I've heard it all before, so for me it is twice.
18:02Monsieur Alphonse has every night in his motchery been digging a tunnel.
18:19Vive la France.
18:21You are asking where does this tunnel lead?
18:24I am not actually.
18:26It leads to the other side of the road.
18:30Good.
18:31On the other side of the road is the transit camp for British prisoners of war.
18:36These are airmen who have been shot down and await transport to Germany.
18:40In this camp, the prisoners are also digging a tunnel.
18:45The tunnels are about to connect.
18:47The prisoners will escape when we have made the necessary arrangements.
18:51Excuse me, if you are thinking of bringing any more British airmen here, you can forget it.
18:56We have not got rid of our presents, Doc.
18:58You do not understand.
19:00We are going to add your airmen in the prisoner of war camp, where they can obtain uniforms.
19:06I think that is a wonderful idea.
19:09Yes.
19:10This is definitely the first time in history that British airmen have tunneled into a prisoner
19:15of war.
19:16But how can we transport the airmen to the moterie without a housing suspicion?
19:25There are Germans everywhere.
19:27There was a curfew.
19:29Monsieur Alphonse and we of the resistance have done our part.
19:33The rest is up to you.
19:35Hang on a minute.
19:36I must go now into the night.
19:38When you have a plan, phone Monsieur Alphonse.
19:4324 hours service.
19:46Just a minute, Michel.
19:47How long have we got?
19:48They must be gone from here before morning.
19:52Is that not typical?
19:54She gives us half a plan and then she disappears into the night.
19:59And she forgets her flashlight.
20:04My brain is fermenting with an idea.
20:07Bottle it and serve it up later.
20:10I am going to lie down.
20:12All right.
20:13All right.
20:14Good morning, sir.
20:15Good morning.
20:16There you go, sir.
20:17It's a very humiliation, Hudson.
20:18Thank you, sir.
20:20Keep in mind.
20:21This is very humiliating, Hudson.
20:23Is a general allowed to commandeer your office?
20:25Is it in the wounds?
20:26this is very humiliating hearts is a general allowed to commandeer your office is it in the
20:36wounds a general can do anything he likes I shall be the laughingstock of the whole army oh I won't
20:44laugh at you colonel you've always been very kind to me in your bluff overbearing way he's very
20:53quiet and there maybe he is going through your drawers they won't find anything what about your
20:59health and efficiency magazine so generally see stomach in chest out did he hear us
21:23hi Hitler stop this ring stop this ring
21:43I've been reading your reports on the occupation of the town handwriting good effort ineffectual
21:49results and I want some now British airman in the area I want them captured if we lead you have so
21:57far obtained points to this cafe cafe Rene highly suspicious for instance why would a small provincial
22:05cafe have hanging on its wall a genuine Van Gogh a genuine genuine Van Gogh it will be sent to
22:11Hitler force with would you like us to post it no you will concentrate on the cafe we will close it
22:19down tonight arrest everybody and shoot hostages we will show them who is boss typical have you never
22:26heard the expression softly softly catchy monkey was that from the film King Kong at the moment every British
22:38airman who shot down disappears they must be going somewhere our best clue is this cafe watch it as a cat
22:45watches a mouse but make no move without my permission that is all you may go
22:50it's just a good man it will be plus a great deal of money up to the
23:20money after the war did not yes indeed general can you keep a secret my life
23:26done pretty well up to now have it copied but say nothing to anyone yes
23:34general has Otto Flick and Engelbert von Smallhausen of the Gestapo are here in
23:43accordance with your instructions send in the hells you may go go back
23:50come in here
24:02what arrangements have you made keeps a cafe of Rene under close observation we
24:12intend to infiltrate the cafe in disguise what sort of the skies
24:25not approved but instead have a drink if you like
24:33I've got much to look at
24:40not much to see
24:42just glad I'm living and lucky to be
24:47but I've got a someone crazy for me
24:54he's funny that way
24:56I can't save a dollar
25:01eight worth a cent
25:03he doesn't holler
25:06he'll live in a tent
25:09he must be in the tank corps
25:11you're not supposed to be enjoying yourself
25:14you're supposed to be watching
25:16the colonel and the captain now well away
25:19as newts
25:20the vet should have no problem getting the gun
25:23Edith
25:24if this plan of yours goes wrong
25:27there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against
25:30tell me how else we can get the bodies to the mortuary
25:34he'd be better if I went away
25:40but why should I leave him
25:45why should I go
25:47he'd be much better
25:50than me I know
25:52I have someone crazy for me
25:58he's funny that way
26:03oh captain
26:11oh if you will take your naughty hand of money
26:18I will get you some more wine
26:20oh I'm sorry I was just bombing it
26:22I want to be a moment
26:25here I have the captain's gun
26:29oh quick René
26:30the blanks
26:32oh yes
26:33quick Gruber is coming across
26:42put it back in his ulster
26:43you have not lost your touch I see lieutenant
26:51just one of my little talents
26:53for a while I was a comic singer
26:56your wife has asked me to play for her next appearance
27:00here is the music
27:01spanish flamenco fandango
27:05put key
27:07oh she does not mind she plays the castanets
27:11where is monsieur leclerc
27:16he's in the kitchen tuning his violin
27:18where are the airmen
27:20they should be outside with the policemen
27:22barriere
27:23tell them outside to stand by
27:27here here
27:28here is the tomato sauce
27:29tell them not to overdo it
27:31here is your one captain
27:37oh thank you
27:38come on over
27:39oh you bad bad little german
27:43oh yeah
27:46oh hey
27:51how do I look
27:53it is you leclerc
27:55the black cartridges in the revolver
27:58you just do your bit
27:59do you know your words
28:01of course
28:02they are in
28:03yes
28:04Stam
28:11I will give you the signal
28:12I will then send in the two tits
28:15I will myself enter after two shots from the revolver
28:20ladies and gentlemen
28:25tonight is carnival night at the Café René
28:29Madame Edith presents for you
28:31by popular request
28:33a Spanish extravaganza
28:35well it cannot be worse than her singing
28:37don't bet on it
28:40ladies and gentlemen
28:42flamenco fandango
28:45come on
28:46come on
29:11Oh, no, no, no.
29:41Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
30:11How dare you, you faceless deceiver, pleasuring yourself with women of the streets while I am out here working up my butt.
30:20Perhaps I prefer the women of the streets to an old clacker of castanets.
30:28Captain, are you prepared to see me insulted in my own cafe in this manner?
30:34Well, I hadn't thought about it, actually.
30:37Dance on, Strumpet. I am taking these two upstairs.
30:46Madam Edith, how can you allow this insult to go unavenged?
30:51Allow me to strike him.
30:53Stand aside!
30:55Die!
30:56Like a dog!
31:01Oh, my God!
31:03I have missed him and shot the women of the streets.
31:07That was my gun!
31:09Colonel, that was my gun she shot and beat my gun!
31:12I was pissing by the door.
31:23When I heard two shots.
31:26You are holding in your hand a smoking goon.
31:32You are clearly the guilty potty.
31:34I did not do it!
31:37Tell them I did not do it!
31:39I was not looking.
31:41Officer, you have no authority over the glorious German army.
31:47This was just an ordinary crime of passion that happens in France on any Saturday night.
31:53But, if it should come to the ears of General von Klinkorfen...
31:56General von Klinkorfen!
31:59If it should come to the ears of General von Klinkorfen...
32:01that an officer allowed his gun to be taken from him...
32:06then both he and his superior would be in very hot water.
32:09Ah, you see, you are in it, too.
32:12For the usual bribe of 50,000 francs...
32:14I trust you will overlook this incident.
32:17Did I make those?
32:18Shut up!
32:20Is there an undertaker in the house?
32:25Monsieur Elphonse, undertaker.
32:28Swiftly and with style.
32:30Oh, what luck!
32:32I will turn to this a blonde eye.
32:36Remove the biddies.
32:42Colonel, Captain, please, leave quickly by the back door with your troops.
32:46I will see that General von Klinkorfen does not get to hear of this.
32:49Thank you, Elphonse.
32:49Take the lieutenant with you.
32:51I can't.
32:53You, Mayor!
32:54I didn't do it!
32:55I did not do it!
32:56Shut up!
32:56They have swallowed it!
33:04They have swallowed it!
33:06I will tell you one thing, Edith.
33:08These Germans, they are so stupid.
33:10There is no way they are going to win this war.
33:13One, two!
33:15farmers!
33:22I will tell you why people can't try that информation.
33:25They are so stupid.
33:28They are so stupid.
33:29They have no forms.
33:29They made fun to shoot their plot.
33:31They are totally Summer.
33:34You can't even go over the back door now.
33:36The sign that you hit your page is why people have a dream.
33:37They do not.
33:38They have no weiß ج시�什麼.
33:40They have no about me, but they have 30 minute to make it.
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