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Tv, Allo Allo S4E03 - Good Staff Are Hard to Find
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00:00The
00:28The more observant among you may note that I am wearing a clean new apron.
00:32I have trimmed my moustache and manicured my nails.
00:35And if you were standing next to me, you would know also that I am wearing a very powerful aftershave lotion.
00:42My wife finds it irresistible, so I seldom wear it.
00:47But this is a special occasion.
00:50Since my waitress has been lost in the post,
00:54I now have to find a new girl to work under me in the bar.
00:59And there have been many applications.
01:02Renée, this new girl that you will be taking on, promise me you will not fall in love with her.
01:09Oh, Yvette, what a suggestion. Have you ever known me to deceive anyone?
01:15Look out, my wife is coming.
01:17Renée, are the girls here yet?
01:19Monsieur Leclerc has assembled them outside.
01:22Ah, good. Show them in. I will interview them.
01:26Oh, Yvette, there is no need for you to bother yourself with this.
01:30I know the type of girl I want to work in our café.
01:32So do I. And it is not our café. It is my café.
01:38It will only be our café when you marry me again.
01:41Oh, yes, Yvette.
01:44The girls, they are getting restless.
01:47Show in the first applicant.
01:51Madame Seplon.
01:53Very suitable.
01:54I agree. When can she start?
02:06Yes.
02:08But, Edie, she has to get down on her knees to clean the floors and climb the stairs to entertain the Germans.
02:14But I can get down on my knees and I am able to entertain the Germans.
02:21She is perfect.
02:23Well, yes, but we must see the others, Edie.
02:27We will let you know, Madame Seplon.
02:29Uh, mademoiselle Angelique Vittes, 38, 28, 48.
02:45Next.
02:54Colonel, General von Klinkerhofen is here.
02:57General von Klinkerhofen?
02:58General von Klinkerhofen!
03:02General von Klinkerhofen!
03:05Herr Hitler!
03:06Herr Hitler!
03:07Sit!
03:10Go away.
03:11Yes, General.
03:16The invasion of England is in preparation and will take place before the winter.
03:21My chateau is to be the operational centre.
03:24All planning will be carried out there.
03:26Your area, Colonel, is consequently of vital importance.
03:31Security must be watertight.
03:32I understand, Herr General.
03:34There's your assistant.
03:36He volunteered for the Russian front.
03:38Good!
03:39I intended to send you there anyway.
03:40You ought to have a new assistant.
03:41I'm delighted to hear it, General.
03:42Mussolini has persuaded Herr Hitler that a small token force should join us in the invasion.
03:53We are, therefore, to have a liaison officer.
03:57It is not agreeable to me, but we must obey orders.
04:01In order to keep him out of my hell, I have placed him under your command.
04:05Bring in Captain Berterelli!
04:06Bring in Captain Berterelli!
04:07Bring in Captain Berterelli!
04:11Bring in Captain Bertorelli!
04:14Captain Bertorelli!
04:27Mama mia!
04:31You beautiful lady!
04:33I kiss your hand.
04:36Captain Bertorelli,
04:38Officers in the German army do not kiss the lady privates.
04:45What a mistake to make!
04:48General, please forgive me, but I am Italian.
04:51When I see the beautiful lady, my heart go boom, diddy boom, diddy boom.
04:58This is your commanding officer, Colonel Von Strom.
05:01Colonel, you have a kind face. To you, I give a salute.
05:08Ah, it's a beautiful place you have here. I think I'd be very happy.
05:16These are my desk.
05:17Oh, these are my desk.
05:21I forget.
05:22General, I have for you the special gift from Mussolini.
05:28This is the Italian War Hero Medal.
05:31Oh, the Italian War Hero Medal.
05:34I don't think I've seen this before.
05:36I think they're very rare.
05:40You too have many medals.
05:42Me? I am a hero.
05:45These here, for service in Abyssinia.
05:48These, for service in North Africa.
05:50And the bottom low?
05:53We are for service in Fiat.
06:02Mademoiselle Valérie Vendôme.
06:0636, 22, 36.
06:08Miss VendĂ´me, what is your experience?
06:10Until recently, I worked in a circus.
06:13I can ride a one-wheel bicycle.
06:23Very handy for errands, Edie.
06:28I can do also the acrobatic.
06:30It would be good for dusting under the bed.
06:52Oh, the best yet.
07:10I also have a beautiful singing voice.
07:13And I do cabaret.
07:15So do I.
07:17Next, please.
07:18Michelle of the Resistance.
07:24You fool!
07:25Do you want the old world to know?
07:27Michelle, what are you doing here?
07:29Listen very carefully.
07:31I will say this only once.
07:33A new radio has arrived for you.
07:36But, Michelle, the Germans know our wavelength.
07:39We have changed the wavelengths.
07:41The radio will be delivered by a man disguised as a mountaineer.
07:44But the nearest mountain is a hundred miles away.
07:47He is lost.
07:49Naturally, he will come in here asking for directions.
07:53Now, look.
07:54No more questions.
07:56Your new serving girl is to be from the Resistance.
07:58I have her outside.
08:00She was a gang leader in Paris.
08:01Oh, my goodness.
08:02Yes!
08:04Yes!
08:07I see!
08:14Mimi.
08:15I want you to meet the brevis man in all France, Renée Atwa.
08:17I meet the brevis man in all France, Renée Attois.
08:21My name is Mimi La Bonque.
08:27This is my wife, Edith, Mademoiselle La Bonque.
08:33This is Yvette, the other servant.
08:36Renée is very important to the resistance. You must guard him with your life.
08:41This is my bodyguard. I will be the laughingstock of the old town.
08:46Show him.
08:54She is higher.
08:58Thank you, monsieur.
09:02Oh, it is a flick from the Gestapo.
09:06Put that away.
09:10Edith, he will want his table in the back room.
09:12The airmen are in there.
09:14I will get rid of them.
09:16Ah, air flick.
09:18Welcome to my humble cafe.
09:20Let me take from you your sinister leather coat.
09:32We need this room. You must not be discovered.
09:34You must leave. Get out.
09:36I will just make sure that the room is prepared for you, air flick.
09:42All is clear.
09:43Come in, air flick. Come in, please. Sit down. Make yourself at home.
09:47Uh, Mimi, a menu and wine for air flick and his bit of st...
09:51Um, um...
09:53Good lady, friend.
09:54I have already prepared a bottle for the Gestapo.
10:01Uh, it is very stuffy in here. Let me open a window for you.
10:05Good morning.
10:07Good morning.
10:09Uh, good evening, officer.
10:11Uh, how comforting to know that you are doing your duty.
10:15Do not waste your torch.
10:17It is a dick night.
10:18Very likely, yes.
10:19I thought I saw two men leaking by your dust billions.
10:29Well, that is France for you.
10:34Hello?
10:35Hello?
10:37Um, uh, the police are patrolling the grounds.
10:41Ah, uh, Mimi, a wine for the Gestapo officer.
10:44Here you are, sir. You will never drink a better bottle.
10:48I will do it. Of course, if we can.
10:59When you speak in such a dominating fashion, I go weak at the knees.
11:03This is normal.
11:05Hang on.
11:06I wish you to know that it is a very special occasion.
11:09I have decided to marry you.
11:11I thought we were going to wait until after the war.
11:16These are dangerous times, Helga.
11:18We must grab every moment of happiness while we may.
11:21But, Erflick, you have always managed to grab it so far without getting married.
11:26But, Mimi, you must not oversell our wine.
11:30It is only Plonk.
11:31It was quite ridiculous to tell Erflick that he would never open a better bottle.
11:35It was the truth.
11:36I'll remove the cork from the bottle and put in a deadly poison.
11:39In four minutes, he will be no more.
11:43Mimi, not in my café.
11:47Helga, may we be blessed with many little members of the master race.
11:51It was not a good year.
11:52Ah!
11:53Good evening, Lieutenant Gruber.
11:54A table by the window?
11:55No, I would prefer just to have a little snifter by the bar.
11:56Oh, of course.
11:57Take this in to him.
11:58And remember, there is an house rule.
11:59You do not kill people on the premises.
12:00Good evening, René.
12:01Ah, good evening, Lieutenant Gruber.
12:02A table by the window?
12:03No, I would prefer just to have a little snifter by the bar.
12:04Oh, of course.
12:05Take this in to him.
12:06And remember, there is an house rule.
12:07You do not kill people on the premises.
12:08Good evening, René.
12:09Ah, good evening, Lieutenant.
12:10That is the one that fancies me.
12:11Who is to blame him?
12:12You have a quality that is irresistible.
12:13You, too.
12:14From the moment I saw you, my lips angered for your lips.
12:33Well, practice on this.
12:38I am rather busy.
12:39Practice on this. I am rather busy.
12:45That's a very exciting perfume you're wearing.
12:48Yes, yes. It is my aftershave.
12:51It is cologne for men.
12:53No doubt that is why I'm attracted to it.
12:57René, I wish to speak to you confidentially.
13:01Can you bend over a little?
13:07Yes, yes.
13:10Could you obtain for me, perhaps from your wife, Edith,
13:15some dark red lipstick?
13:18You're going somewhere special.
13:21René, do not get the wrong idea about me.
13:25I do not wear lipstick.
13:27Even when I'm going somewhere special.
13:30I'm sorry, left in.
13:32I need it to complete the forgery of the fallen Madonna
13:36with the big, um, the big, exactly.
13:38How are you getting on with the paintings?
13:43Well, I am making progress, but it is quite a task.
13:46One for Hitler, one for the colonel, one for the general.
13:49It's a lot of work.
13:50And a lot of...
13:51Exactly, yes.
13:53Yes, you shall have the lipstick, Lieutenant.
13:56Good evening, Colonel.
13:57Good evening, René.
13:59René, I will speak to you.
14:00Yes, Colonel.
14:01I've arranged to meet my new assistant here.
14:03Ah, he will be most welcome, Colonel.
14:07He knows nothing about the British airman, or the painting, or the cuckoo clock.
14:11Oh, I had forgotten about the cuckoo clock.
14:15What does he know about my little visit upstairs with the girls?
14:19With the flying helmet and the wet celery?
14:22You'll never mention the flying helmet and the wet celery.
14:26Rely on us, Colonel.
14:27His name is Bertorelli.
14:30What, Von Bertorelli?
14:32Captain Alberto Bertorelli.
14:34He's a night-eye.
14:36An Italian unit will be coming with us when we invade England.
14:39Well, I suppose somebody has to take over the ice cream business.
14:42When is the invasion?
14:46I shouldn't have told you.
14:48Forget it.
14:49Forget it.
14:50Yes, forget it, Yvette.
14:51Forget it.
14:51Never mention the invasion, or the fact that the Colonel told you about it.
14:56Oh, and by the way, Colonel, we are running rather short of butter and sugar and paraffin and cigarettes.
15:05Stoynello, you're my friend, and I keep you waiting.
15:09Will you forgive me, no?
15:11Oh, this is Captain Bertorelli.
15:17Yes, I guessed.
15:19Good evening, Captain, and welcome.
15:20Oh, Patron.
15:24I am just a simple peasant, you understand, trying to scratch your living with my mother-in-law and my wife.
15:35I embrace your wife.
15:38I embrace your mother-in-law.
15:43I am his wife.
15:49What a mistake of the maker.
15:53Mama mia, who is this handsome officer look-a-like the film star?
15:58This is Captain Bertorelli.
16:00Oh, I heard about you from the General.
16:03This is Lieutenant GĂĽber.
16:05I, uh, I heard about you from the General.
16:08How are you going on, eh?
16:16I see there.
16:18Oh, my God.
16:19Hey!
16:20Yvette, it is.
16:23Ah.
16:23Does nobody hear the cry of a bedridden woman?
16:32Stop shouting, Mama.
16:34The old cafe can hear you.
16:36What is the matter?
16:38Since there is no radio under the bed,
16:42nobody comes up to my room.
16:46Why do you not read from your book?
16:48My hands, they shake too much.
16:52I am not surprised.
16:54Lady Chatterley's lover.
16:57You should not be reading such a book at your age.
17:01At my age, what else can I do?
17:07Colonel, in my room is a painting on which I would like your advice.
17:13A painting?
17:14Why would I want to see a painting?
17:16It is of a flying helmet and some wet celery.
17:19Do you also have one of an egg whisk?
17:27I am sure I can find one.
17:30Oh, my God.
17:40Good evening.
17:42Can anybody help the poor, weary old mountaineer who has lost his way?
17:47Come over here, old mountaineer, and tell me your problem.
17:53Kind, most kind, little keeper.
17:55Yes, yes.
17:55I was lucky to see your light.
17:56Yes, indeed.
17:57I have, I have tramped for hours and hours and tramped.
18:01Shut up.
18:02What is it?
18:05It is I, LeClaire.
18:09Well, that is abundantly clear to all but the totally blind.
18:14In the pack on my back is your new radio.
18:17It is already connected to the batteries.
18:21Here is the aerial.
18:22Get this old idiot up to the room of your mother before he gets us all shot.
18:37He cannot go to the room of my mother.
18:39She is doing private things.
18:41You, take him to the room of a vet.
18:43She is doing officer things.
18:45Come and sit down, weary old lost mountaineer.
18:51We will bring you a bowl of soup so that you may refresh yourself before you go to your room.
18:56Mimi, soup.
18:59Good evening.
19:02At what theatre are you performing?
19:06Have some wine, garrulous old mountaineer.
19:09And do not talk to the conquering heroes.
19:12Remember, you are just a silly old peasant, eh?
19:15Oh, my God.
19:16Oh, my God.
19:25Pardon?
19:32Try to ignore him.
19:34It's not easy.
19:37That coat you wear is, uh, is very fine.
19:41Oh, this is what we mountaineers call, uh, it is a wind cheetah.
19:54Whatever you do, don't take it off.
19:57I have been giving much thought to the arrangements for our wedding.
20:17Catholic, are you quite sure that deep in your heart, wherever it is, you are ready for marriage?
20:24What are you saying?
20:26Well, you are so young, so attractive.
20:28Women are always throwing themselves at you.
20:31This is true.
20:32I will be consumed with jealousy.
20:34I will be breaking the plates when I do the washing up.
20:37If you did, you would be punished.
20:38We will be married in a high-security Gestapo chapel.
20:45As we leave the ceremony, we will walk through an arch of rubber truncheons held by my Gestapo colleagues in black boots.
20:52We will leave in a black Gestapo limousine, showered with propaganda pamphlets.
20:59We will honeymoon in a Bavarian forest.
21:02Every morning, we will leave our camouflage tent, strip naked, and dive into the icy waters of a limpid, dark lake.
21:16Could I have time to think about it?
21:22Ah, Cornel, you like the painting, eh?
21:28Most enjoyable.
21:31You've got the lipstick on your face.
21:36And behind your ear, there is a piece of wet celery.
21:42You not just look at the painting, eh?
21:45Do not poke your vop nose into my business.
21:48Cornel, my friend, we are both men of the world.
21:51You fix her so Yvette will show me the painting, eh?
21:54Certainly not.
21:58I will show you some paintings, Capitan.
22:01Follow me.
22:02This is my lucky night, eh?
22:07And where are you going?
22:09She show me the painting.
22:10You will never see better paintings as long as you live.
22:14Good evening.
22:21Hi, Littler.
22:25Michelle, what are you playing at?
22:27The town is full of Germans.
22:29Like this, I can move around freely.
22:32London will contact you in ten minutes on a new wavelength.
22:34With a cafe full of customers, that is all I need.
22:37How is the new girl?
22:39She is a fanatic.
22:40She tried to kill her flick in the back room.
22:42She has a ruthless hatred of the enemy.
22:45Yvette, Yvette, two soups for table three and chicken for the party at the back.
22:49I would like a small port.
22:50And a small port for Lieutenant Gruber.
22:52And get a move on.
22:53I have only one pair of hands.
22:55Well, get Mimi to help you.
22:56She is upstairs with Captain Bertorelli.
22:59She is a fast worker, that one.
23:01She is a show.
23:02She told him that he would never see better paintings as long as he lived.
23:07Oh, God.
23:08I think he's trying to speak.
23:31Whatever you do, don't you make a pass at the girls.
23:36Don't worry.
23:37He won't.
23:38We won't.
23:39No.
23:39He won't.
23:40No.
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