- 14 hours ago
Tv, Allo Allo S2E03 - The Policeman Cometh
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I should be tucked up in a nice warm bed in my cafe, counting sheep.
00:26Instead, I am standing here disguised as a mushroom picker, counting cows going through
00:31this gate.
00:32I will tell you a secret.
00:37Not all of these cows are cows.
00:40One of them contains two escaping British airmen.
00:44Can you detect which one?
00:47Hold on a minute, lock my watch.
01:05Now that was not very difficult, was it?
01:08We must hurry.
01:10The plan will be here in four minutes.
01:12We must get across the road behind the kerbs.
01:15I hope there aren't any bulls about.
01:24I shouldn't worry.
01:26The other cows have much more interesting backsides than yours.
01:29It is a German patrol.
01:30What?
01:31Get down.
01:32Hide behind the edge.
01:33Go.
01:34Go.
01:35Have your guns at the ready.
01:48What are you doing?
01:52I am a simple milky maid, taking these cows to the meadow, where they will eat the grass.
02:03The green grass will make the milk.
02:05The milk will make the butter, and the butter we will spread on the bread of the victorious
02:11German soldier.
02:12We are about to die, and he starts a lecture on farming.
02:17We are in need of some milk.
02:19Kurt, lend me your helmet.
02:21I will obtain some from these cows.
02:23But they have already been milked.
02:26We need just a few squirts for our coffee.
02:29Oh, my God.
02:33This appears to be a quiet one.
02:36If they find out it is a washing up glove hanging down there, we have had it.
02:41Unfortunately, it seems to have very small titties.
02:48What are you doing?
03:01Come away from that car.
03:02You are supposed to be on patrol.
03:04I am sorry, Sergeant.
03:05Put your helmets back on.
03:10Get into line.
03:11Quick march.
03:12It was an ear thing.
03:13They actually got hold of it.
03:17Oh, my God.
03:19I was so scared.
03:20I have been eating a coach, too.
03:21I will probably die.
03:26Be quiet.
03:27I hear the plan.
03:28We must hurry.
03:29Be quiet.
03:30I hear the plan.
03:31We must hurry.
03:36It is a very big van.
03:37I think it is a trunk.
03:38It is a very big van.
03:39I think it is a trunk.
03:40It is a trunk.
03:41transport plane.
03:42Rene.
03:43Rene, how can that great big plane land in this little field?
03:49It is not landing.
03:50Look.
03:51It is not landing.
03:52Look.
03:53Huh?
03:54They are for nice two parachutes.
03:57That is not only two parachutes.
03:59That is not landing.
04:00I can't go.
04:01Hey, oh, sir.
04:02It is a very big van.
04:03I think it is a transport plane.
04:04It is a very big van.
04:05It is a very big van.
04:06It is a very big van.
04:07I think it is a transport plane.
04:08There. How can that great big plane land in this little field?
04:14It is not landing. Look!
04:22They have relief to parachutes.
04:32They are going to drop the other side of the wood. Quick!
04:38They must have landed somewhere near here.
04:47What are you doing? I'm going no further until someone tells me what's going on.
04:55I agree.
04:59I see something.
05:03It is a copper.
05:05I say, is anyone down there?
05:06Oh, my God. Not another stupid Englishman.
05:12I say, are you from HQ?
05:15We rather thought the plane would land.
05:17Change of plan. We're trying out a new escape package.
05:21We'd better get you down, I suppose.
05:23I seem to be a bit stuck.
05:24If Frenny held me up in his strong arms, I could reach up and pull him down.
05:31He could hold me in his strong arms.
05:33Oh, but I might drop you, precious.
05:41Come along. This way. Now.
05:44Up you get.
05:45Uh-oh.
05:46Quickly, Maria.
05:49Oh!
05:51What's going on, Fairfax?
05:53One of the barmaids has pulled the policeman's trousers down.
05:54It's all go, isn't it?
05:55It's giving.
05:56What? What?
05:57Oh, no.
05:58Oh!
06:00Oh!
06:01Oh!
06:02Oh!
06:03Oh!
06:04Oh!
06:05Oh!
06:06Oh!
06:07Oh!
06:08Oh!
06:09Oh!
06:10Oh!
06:11Oh!
06:12Oh!
06:13Oh!
06:24Oh!
06:25Oh!
06:26Oh!
06:27That was all rather exciting.
06:28Why have they sent us another Englishman?
06:29They sent me over because I speak French.
06:31Oh!
06:32Thank heavens for that.
06:33They have sent him because he speaks French.
06:36Oh!
06:37Hello, everybody.
06:39To hear our own tongue.
06:48I have brung greetings from British intelligence headquarters.
06:56What does he say?
06:58I think he brings greetings from intelligence headquarters.
07:01I have disgeased as polosman, so I am able to move about with complete freedom.
07:10Do you think he will get away with that accent?
07:16As long as he does not speak, yes.
07:20We will tell everyone that he comes from a remote village in the country.
07:24On the outskirts of Pekin.
07:28We've picked up this package!
07:31This is the escape pookage.
07:35You must heat it in your sealer.
07:39What was that?
07:40The escape package.
07:41You must add it in the cellar.
07:43How does he know I have a cellar?
07:45In London we are not stupid.
07:48We know every move you moak.
07:58Who is it?
07:59It is I!
08:01Helga!
08:02Enter.
08:03Was your mission successful?
08:11Yes, Colonel.
08:12What mission was this?
08:13I know nothing about a mission.
08:15Hans, I don't tell you everything.
08:17The less you know about some things, the better.
08:20Now, come forward and stand in front of me.
08:24I don't wish anyone to see through the windows what we are up to.
08:28Now, show me what you've got.
08:37Good.
08:39Colonel, am I allowed to see what Helga has got?
08:44Helga has a normal knockwurst.
08:48Made by a butcher which we'll be sending to the Führer.
08:51It is very simple.
08:53The priceless portrait of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies
08:55is concealed inside a knockwurst which is hidden in the René's cellar.
08:59The forged painting of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies
09:01is concealed inside a similar knockwurst which is hanging in the René's kitchen.
09:05The knockwurst concealed on my person is to be sent to Herr Hitler
09:09who is under the impression that it contains the original painting of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies.
09:14Which is in the cellar?
09:15Which Herrflick of the Gestapo thinks is in the kitchen.
09:18I only asked if I could have a look.
09:20Who is it?
09:24It is only me, dear Colonel. René from the café.
09:30Come inside!
09:35We have good news, René.
09:37Helga has a normal knockwurst to put on the train to Berlin for the Führer.
09:42Helga, show him.
09:46I missed it again, pal.
09:50Colonel, I have bad news.
09:55The resistance, who I do not know very well, have refused to blow up the train.
10:00This is the train containing this knockwurst.
10:03It must be blown up so that Hitler thinks the painting has been destroyed.
10:06I know that bit!
10:08Why did they refuse to blow up the train?
10:09They say they have a previous engagement.
10:12Something to do with an ammunition lorry.
10:15Did you explain to them how important this is?
10:18Oh, yes, of course, dear Colonel.
10:20But they do not take all that much notice of me.
10:23We barely nod to each other in the street, you understand.
10:27I could try the Communist resistance.
10:30They might do it for money.
10:32Party funds are very low, I have heard.
10:34Very well.
10:36Go back to your cafe and see what you can do for us.
10:39Could you let me have a few thousand francs to put a deposit down?
10:44Just to show good faith.
10:46Certainly not.
10:47You pay them and we'll make it up to you.
10:50Make sure you get a receipt.
10:51No, no, no, no. I do not wish to go in.
10:57Put me by the table, sir.
11:00Here are my little love.
11:03And bring me a drink.
11:05But funny!
11:07Will you not be too chilly?
11:09No, no, no. Not if I have a big gin and tonic.
11:13My love, my flower, I would buy for you the whole world.
11:19But I do not have any money.
11:23But now this is my daughter's cafe, we can have freebies.
11:30How much?
11:32Now look here.
11:34It is just one little tray.
11:37Surely you could blow it up for a bit less than that.
11:41Is that your rock-bottom prize?
11:44Well, hang on a minute.
11:53No, no, I cannot go to that. No.
11:56Well, how would it be if we supplied the explosives?
11:59No, I do not want to leave my name. No, it is just an entire...
12:04Hey, who do you think you are?
12:07It is I, Leclerc.
12:09Yeah, I know that.
12:11What are you doing helping yourself to my gin?
12:14It is my gin.
12:16My mama.
12:17Give her a double.
12:19Lieutenant Gruber,
12:21you have again parked your armored car in my place under the tree.
12:25Oh, I am most sorry, Coronel.
12:28I have just polished it and it looked like rain.
12:31Remove it.
12:32No, we should only be here a few minutes.
12:34But don't do it again.
12:35Again.
12:37Heil Hitler.
12:39And don't try to get around me.
12:44René, the normal Knockwurst is on the night train to Berlin.
12:48No, Helga put it on.
12:49It is next to the ammunition truck.
12:50Airflick supervised her and then he sent a telegram to Hitler.
12:54Signed by the Colonel.
12:55Good news, huh?
12:57Unfortunately, Colonel, I have bad news.
12:59The Communists have refused to blow up the train.
13:02Refused to blow up the train?
13:04What sort of Communists are you dealing with?
13:06Who ever heard of a Communist who wouldn't blow up a train?
13:09That means Hitler will receive a normal Knockwurst.
13:13And a telegram from the Coronel.
13:15And he will find out that you have nicked his painting?
13:18Knackered by a Knockwurst.
13:20That will put kaput on my career.
13:23Give me a large cognac.
13:25Coronel, anticipating this development,
13:28I have a further plan which may yet save us.
13:31You have? Give her a cognac as well.
13:33Here.
13:35René.
13:36Tell us your plan.
13:46A little bit slower than last, Talia.
13:49A 20mm incendiary shell,
13:52accurately fired at the ammunition truck,
13:54would blow it up and also demolish the Knockwurst.
13:57The Resistance will be blamed,
13:59we arrest a few peasants and shoot them,
14:01and we will all be in the clear.
14:03That's all very well, Helga.
14:04But where do we get a 20mm cannon?
14:07And who's going to fire it?
14:09Lieutenant Gruber has an armoured car on which is mounted a 20mm cannon.
14:14Hello.
14:17He'll never lend it. He's very stingy.
14:24He might lend it to René. He's very fond of him.
14:28Oh, yes. I can just see that.
14:32Good evening, Lieutenant Gruber. A small sherry?
14:35Oh, with pleasure.
14:37By the way, Lieutenant, I wonder if I might borrow your armoured car for the evening.
14:41No, no, no. There is no need for you to come with me.
14:44I just wish to drive it around a little bit, see if I can pull a few birds,
14:48or maybe shoot a pigeon or two with a 20mm shell.
14:53No, René is right. We'll have to knock it off when he's not looking.
14:58And he will blame it on the Resistance.
15:00And we can just shoot another couple of peasants.
15:02If we go on at this rate, there will be nobody left in the village.
15:05Very good plan, Helga.
15:06That's the only plan we've got.
15:09As soon as it is dark, we will act.
15:12Are you with us, René?
15:14Well, all right, Colonel.
15:16I will keep Lieutenant Gruber talking,
15:18while you nip off, nick the armoured car and blow up the train.
15:22No, René. I, as a Colonel, cannot get involved in a plan like this.
15:27I will distract Gruber.
15:29And you, Hans, you will nick the armoured car.
15:34Colonel!
15:35I'm a very bad driver.
15:37I only have a provisional licence.
15:41It is very hard to see out of those things.
15:43My glasses will steam up. I will get lost.
15:46René can sit on top, stick his head through the hole and guide you.
15:51Oh, but, Colonel, would it not be better if Helga drove,
15:53and the captain could sit on top and stick his head out and guide her?
15:56I have an assignation with hair flick.
15:58Well, can you not break it?
15:59One does not stand up the Gestapo.
16:02What time is the train?
16:03Ten o'clock.
16:04Very well. We all meet here at 9.30.
16:07I will take care of Gruber. You all take care of the train.
16:11Oh, but good night, René. Good night, Colonel.
16:13You're not going.
16:15Not in your armoured car.
16:16I think I will have an early night.
16:19Nonsense. I hope you're not going because I was cross with you.
16:25Well, I was a bit upset.
16:28Don't be upset, Gruber.
16:30What's your first name?
16:33Hubert.
16:35Don't be upset, Hubert.
16:37I like you.
16:39Hans likes you.
16:40René likes you.
16:42And the girls, they like you, too.
16:44I tell you what.
16:45Come round here about 9.30 and we'll have dinner together.
16:50And bring your armoured car.
16:53Suddenly I'm feeling better.
16:55Suddenly I am feeling worse.
16:58Can I help you, officer?
17:00An elderly lady outside in a bath chair has been heating the bootle.
17:11What?
17:13Her is drunk.
17:14Her is post as a newt.
17:17Oh, my God.
17:19Is it post?
17:21Honey, no, no, no.
17:23I have not entered the café of my daughter.
17:26Honey, honey, please, my love, do not take on show.
17:28Also, may you all finish up in the...
17:30Stop it! Stop it, you silly old bad.
17:33These are my customers. Are you trying to ruin my business?
17:36It is my daughter's business.
17:39You are on the way out.
17:41Get inside, please.
17:43Welcome, gentlemen. Your table is ready.
17:45Gentlemen, please, come back, gentlemen.
17:48She is potty in the head.
17:50I have your window table for you, please.
17:53Don't worry, René.
17:55Hubert and I will take it.
17:57Won't be, Hubert.
17:58You are most kind, Colonel.
18:00Can I give anyone a lift?
18:02Oh, give Hans a lift.
18:03Let him play with your cannon.
18:05Not a cannon.
18:07I will show you what fun an almond car can be.
18:119.30, Vinnie.
18:13Water the wine.
18:15And take the flowers off the table.
18:1610 minutes is up.
18:29You may now come out of the corner.
18:34Yes, Herr Flick.
18:38Let that be a lesson to you.
18:41Never again will you burn my toast.
18:46Yes, Herr Flick.
18:48May I sit?
18:49Yes.
18:52You may continue with your tea.
18:55I have kept your egg warm under the cozy.
19:00You have a very kind streak in your nature.
19:02I nearly failed my Gestapo exams because of it.
19:07It has a very strong shell.
19:10Hit it hard with your spoon.
19:13They always break in the end.
19:16You're looking pensive, Herr Flick.
19:19I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight.
19:23I see, Herr Flick.
19:24I might take you to the movies.
19:27What is showing?
19:29Anything we like.
19:32Oh, we could stay here and amuse ourselves.
19:36I have a box of sharp needles somewhere.
19:41Ah, here they are.
19:44What have you in mind, Herr Flick?
19:46I have an excellent gramophone.
19:49And many records of Hitler's speeches.
19:51They are quite amusing.
19:55Kickless speeches quite amusing?
19:58Played at double speed.
20:01He sounds like Donald Duck.
20:06You see what the boys in the back room will have.
20:12And tell them I sighed.
20:14And tell them I sighed.
20:16And tell them I died.
20:17And tell them I died of the sin.
20:26Thank you for your kind applause.
20:28And now, please, will you show your appreciation for our pianist, Monsieur Leclerc?
20:33Colonel, the lieutenant is here.
20:40Colonel.
20:42Colonel!
20:44I'm sorry, René.
20:47The cheese, you know.
20:49Look.
20:51I will take care of him.
20:53You and Hans know what to do.
20:55I am sorry I am late, Colonel.
20:57Perhaps your armored car would not start.
20:59You had to leave it at the barracks.
21:01She started on the button.
21:03But she was nearly out of gasoline.
21:04Good.
21:05So I filled her up.
21:08That's our table over there.
21:10Oh, how cozy.
21:12Take this.
21:16René, Hans, you know what to do.
21:18Good luck to you.
21:20Colonel, he has just taken the flowers from the next table.
21:23Good luck to you.
21:28Cut it.
21:30Dear Colonel, would you prefer your back to the wall or the room?
21:35I think the wall.
21:40Sit down, Hubert.
21:42And tell me all about yourself.
21:44Well, it has been a hard day.
21:46I am quite hoarse, you know, from ordering soldiers about.
21:49Yes, it's hard being a German officer.
21:52All that shouting and stamping of feet.
21:55People don't understand, do they?
21:57I fear they do not.
22:04Do we have a key or a tin opener?
22:06They do not lock it.
22:07After all, who wouldn't lick an armored car?
22:08Where is this?
22:09What for?
22:10If the resistance take a pot shot at you, it will bounce off.
22:11Bounce off?
22:12I am not sticking my head out of there.
22:13I'll drive.
22:14Stop!
22:15The engine!
22:16Your voice is loud.
22:18The engine!
22:19What are you doing?
22:20What are you doing?
22:21Well, the engine is loud.
22:22I am not sticking my head out of there.
22:25I will drive.
22:29Stop!
22:31The engine!
22:32Stop the engine!
22:42Keep your voice down.
22:44Sorry.
22:45It's that little knob in front.
22:49Give it a bit more choke.
22:54Forward!
22:59I said forward, you're going back for it.
23:07Did I hit something?
23:10The colonel's car!
23:12It will do his nothing.
23:17Never mind.
23:19He will blame the resistance and shoot a couple of peasants.
23:23What am I saying?
23:25How easy it is to slip into the ways of being a Nazi.
23:29Good evening, Colonel.
23:35Was everything to your satisfaction?
23:38Up to a point.
23:40You know me, Yvette?
23:42Oh, Colonel.
23:44Would you like me to sit upon your knee?
23:47That sounds like a bit of fun.
23:49Doesn't it, Hubert?
23:51If you say so, Colonel.
23:53Is there a rest on your knee, Lieutenant Huber?
23:57Well, go on, Hubert.
23:59You're in the tank corps.
24:01It'll be good for your image.
24:03Are the driver of Armored Care 419 on the café?
24:11419?
24:12That is my armored car.
24:14It has been driven away by two men.
24:17You fool!
24:18Armored cars stolen?
24:20Don't worry about it, Hubert.
24:22It's probably some local boys playing a little prank.
24:25I must report it at once to my headquarters.
24:28Just think how cross they will be when they find out you've lost your armored car.
24:32Believe me, it'll come back if you're patient.
24:35But what if it does not?
24:37What am I doing holding the scarf?
24:40I know.
24:41I will report it at once to Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
24:44He will make discreet inquiries.
24:46He owes me a favor.
24:56Where have we left the main road?
24:58A motorcycle was following us.
25:01Don't worry.
25:02This lane leads to the railway line.
25:07Is he still following?
25:09Just a minute.
25:10I will have a look.
25:16Can you see the motorcycle?
25:19Not at the moment.
25:37Stop the machine.
25:38Oh!
25:39Flick the Gestapo.
25:40No, I said flick the Gestapo.
25:41Yes, Korba.
25:42Yes, Korba.
25:43Yes, Korba.
25:44Yes, Korba.
25:45Yes, Korba.
25:46Yes, Korba.
25:47Yes, Korba.
25:48You are very careless.
25:50Stay where you are.
25:51Stay where you are.
25:52I will come at once.
25:53You will come with me.
25:57Hold my schmeisser while I remove my carpet slippers.
26:03I can see the railway line.
26:04Stop here.
26:05I can see the railway line.
26:06Stop here.
26:07I can see the railway line.
26:08Stop here.
26:09I can see the railway line.
26:10Stop here.
26:14I can see the train coming.
26:15Oh, dear.
26:17Pass me the shell.
26:19Well, where are they?
26:21I can see the train coming.
26:27Oh, dear.
26:28Pass me a shell.
26:29Well, where are they?
26:30You're young in this town.
26:31No, no, no, no!
26:33I can see the railway line.
26:34See?
26:35The train, let's see.
26:37OK.
26:38I can see the railway line.
26:39Oh, dear!
26:40I can see the railway line.
26:41Stop here.
26:42I can hear the train coming.
26:43Where are they they must be in here somewhere to try the glove compartment
26:51Have you found anything just some ladies underwear shaving lotion
26:59Good hurry up. It is getting nearer
27:07Yes, good luck put your fingers in your ears. There may be a big bang
27:13Can you see it? One, two, three. That's the one
27:25Missed
27:27Another shell
27:31Can you get a little bit nearer? No, I cannot
27:35One, two, three
27:37You have blown up the signal box
27:45I think the barrel is bent
27:47There goes the train
27:49There goes Hitler's sausage
27:51I think we should catch it up further down the line
27:53No
27:55The way I drive I would never catch it
27:57And the way you shoot you would never eat it
27:59I think we go home
28:01I think we go home
28:31With a few words
28:32I think we should do this
28:33But we have a great line
28:34But this is going to be an end
28:35But this is going to be a little bit
28:36I have a little bit of a box
28:37I'm not going to go home
28:38But there goes
28:39With a lot of guys
28:40We will be able to catch it
28:41You have to catch it
28:42But it's going to be an end
28:43I'm going to be a little bit
28:45and if we have a little bit
28:46That's the one
28:47Throw in the sky
28:48I need you to see it
28:49Step 2
28:50To name the sky
28:51And you can see it
28:52Step 2
Be the first to comment