Tv, Allo Allo S2E02 - The Wooing of Widow Artois
#AlloAllo #Tv
#AlloAllo #Tv
Category
đŸ“º
TVTranscript
00:00In me, you see a worried man.
00:25Do not be deceived by my happy face.
00:28I am a worried man.
00:30I am not frightened of the Gestapo.
00:33I am not frightened of the Germans.
00:34I am not even frightened of the French resistance.
00:38But my wife scares out of me the living day.
00:42She is spending my money like water.
00:45This is because, as you will know if you have been paying attention,
00:48I have been shot dead and am now posing as the twin brother of her late husband.
00:55And do you know what most of all makes me worry?
00:59I may have to marry her again to get my finger back in my own till.
01:04Do you know what I am doing with these flowers?
01:06I am going to woo her again.
01:08Because suddenly I have competition.
01:11Apparently, every able-bodied man in this village wants to get his hands on my restaurant.
01:15Even if it means marrying the old bat.
01:17Just look.
01:23Look at her.
01:24How valuable this property must be.
01:28My God, this is not going to be easy.
01:30I must be money mad.
01:32How much is there in the till?
01:35Well, I suppose it is worth it.
01:40Here goes.
01:41Uh, Edith.
01:43Edith, my dear.
01:44Uh, drop that broom and come over here a moment, will you, please?
01:47I have much to do.
01:48We will be open soon.
01:50Oh, no.
01:50This is more important.
01:51Uh, come here, will you?
01:56Well, I have for you these.
01:59Why don't you put the name water by yourself?
02:02No, my dearest.
02:04They are for you.
02:06What have you been up to?
02:07Oh, my sweet.
02:09Have you been nicking more of my money out of the till?
02:12No, my pet.
02:13No, they are for you.
02:14Because I love you.
02:18You have been drinking.
02:20I've never been more sober in my life.
02:23No, do you not remember, Edith?
02:25I used to give you flowers when we were courting.
02:28Oh, René.
02:29Oh, well, I remember.
02:30You were so romantic.
02:33Always you would give them to me on your knees.
02:36Did I?
02:37And you would swear to me of your undying love.
02:41Well, that is what I am doing now, dear Edith.
02:45Oh, René.
02:46Meal for me once more.
02:54We do our trois.
02:55Yes?
02:57I saw you yesterday in the square.
02:59My compliments.
03:01My cat.
03:02Pierre Le Grand.
03:06Steeplejack.
03:08Oh, you are so kind, but I'm afraid you are a little late.
03:11Someone is about to propose to me.
03:13Who?
03:14Me.
03:16Perhaps there is still a chance for me if you fancy people that size.
03:20She does not fancy people that size.
03:27But it was most kind of you to offer.
03:29If you don't ask, you don't get.
03:31You see, you are only just in time.
03:35I'm so many suitors.
03:36Edith, let us just drop this charade, hmm?
03:40Let us just announce that we are getting married again, then things can be just as they were
03:44before, huh?
03:44No, I am quite happy.
03:46I have so many men, so many offers.
03:49I am quite enjoying myself.
03:51I have played Seepield before.
03:53I will play it again.
03:54But, Edith, that was Nuvian Rangers.
03:58We have need to forget all about that.
04:02Honey, the rear room.
04:03Quick.
04:04Not now, Maria.
04:05Yes.
04:06No, it is Michelle from Morexistence.
04:10What does she want?
04:11Well, now, how do I know?
04:12Come on, come follow me.
04:16Michelle?
04:17Michelle, where are you hiding?
04:18I am here.
04:21Now, listen very carefully.
04:23I shall say this only once.
04:26I have good news.
04:28I have come here to collect the British airmen.
04:31I expect you will be very glad to get rid of them.
04:34You can say that again.
04:35I don't suppose she will.
04:40Further instructions will be sent to you by secret messenger,
04:44disguised as a simple farm worker.
04:47Why do I need further instructions?
04:48I thought this was the end of it all.
04:50You forget your position.
04:52Your Rumble Cafe is the headquarters of the organization
04:55to assist escaping airmen,
04:57to add explosives, to pass messages,
05:00and to organize sabotage.
05:02It is all happening here.
05:03I hope you tell people who want to marry you
05:06the sort of trouble you can get them into.
05:08It is like getting into bed with a time bomb.
05:11I have emptied at it.
05:12I expect you to put them off.
05:14Oh, they cannot wait to light the fuse.
05:16Shut up, you silly old bat.
05:30Do you want to wake up the old neighborhood?
05:31Get them down.
05:32I want to see my daughter married before the good Lord sends an angel to take me away.
05:50Oh, my God, already they have come for me.
05:56Oh, what sort of them?
05:59Oh, I must be more important than I thought.
06:05But why is that one carrying a candle?
06:09Because where you are going, it will be very dark.
06:11It is the airmen, Mother.
06:17We eat them while you were asleep.
06:21I am going mad.
06:23I am seeing flashing knobs.
06:27Oh, what the fuck?
06:32It is the radio.
06:34Quick.
06:34Hello, Nighthawk.
06:45Hello, Nighthawk.
06:48Hello, hello.
06:49This is Nighthawk, receiving you loud and not very clear.
06:53Pass your message.
06:54Over.
06:55The flashing bed knobs are not reliable.
06:59The flashing bed knobs are not reliable.
07:01Get the code book.
07:02What does that mean?
07:02It means that we have been trying to get you for three days.
07:08My wife's mother does not understand flashing knobs.
07:13Over.
07:14Hold on while we try to decode your message to find out what it means.
07:19It means my wife's mother is a silly old bat.
07:22She does not understand flashing bed knobs.
07:25Now pass your message.
07:26Over.
07:27The loved ones will be carried away in a chariot.
07:31Even in heaven, say no about my bad legs.
07:36This means the plane is coming tonight to pick up the British airmen.
07:43I say, chaps, there's a plane coming for you tonight.
07:45Oh, wacko.
07:47Well, get a move on.
07:48It's toodle-piff and back to dear old Blighty.
07:50Good chance.
07:50Heflick, what brings you here?
07:58I'm afraid the colonel and the captain are absent.
08:00I'm aware of this.
08:03I observed their departure through my powerful binoculars.
08:07My business is with you and in private.
08:12You wish me to kiss you?
08:13Not on duty, thank you.
08:15Are you sure there is nobody about?
08:20Certain, Heflick.
08:21I have something to show you.
08:31That was too quick.
08:33I will do it more slowly.
08:44What did you see?
08:47Unusually large knockwurst.
08:51Right.
08:53This one contains the real painting of the fallen Madonna by Van Klomp.
08:58This one is the forgery.
09:03The other forgery I had destroyed in a very hot furnace.
09:08This one, the forgery, you will give to the colonel von Strom,
09:12who will send it to the Fuhrer in Berlin.
09:14But what if the Fuhrer discovers it's a forgery?
09:17Then he will have the colonel shot.
09:21What about the real one?
09:22You will hide it.
09:24Certainly, Heflick, but where?
09:25You will give it to that cafe owner, René.
09:28Tell him to hang it with the other sausages in the kitchen,
09:31with the instructions that it belongs to Heflick of the Gestapo,
09:35and nobody is to have a nibble.
09:38Will it be safe?
09:40Perfectly.
09:42Nobody would dare to touch a Gestapo sausage.
09:47What of the third sausage?
09:50This is our dinner.
09:52We will consume it tonight in René's back room by candlelight.
09:59Oh, Heflick, it will be so romantic.
10:03A candlelit knokkvast.
10:05It will be a heady evening.
10:10Heflick, a thought has just occurred to me.
10:13How will the French cafe owner know which is your special Gestapo sausage
10:18containing the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Kroon?
10:23Let us improve.
10:25Upon my special sausage is a little swastika.
10:28I should have guessed.
10:32You think of everything.
10:36May I kiss you now?
10:39Not while you are holding the sausage.
10:46Yvette, the airmen, have they gone?
10:48Half an hour ago.
10:49Good.
10:50Michel said she was putting them in a safe place.
10:53And my wife, where is she?
10:55She is going to parade herself around the town square again.
10:59She has not brought yet another new attache.
11:02No.
11:03René, have you told your wife we are going to get married?
11:07Oh, not yet, Yvette.
11:09No, there are complications, you see.
11:11Well, what complications?
11:13Well, well, it is just possible.
11:16I may have to marry Edith again to get my restaurant back.
11:20René, if you do, I will, I will kill myself.
11:24You say it.
11:26I will only marry her for a short time.
11:29Then I can throttle her or push her off a cliff or something.
11:33Why can't you push her off a cliff or something now?
11:37Where would I find a cliff in the town square?
11:39But, René, I love you so much.
11:43You have got dough on your hands.
11:48Put on these.
11:53Oh, René.
11:57Kiss me.
11:58Kiss me.
12:03René, where are you?
12:06It is Maria.
12:07Quick, she must not catch us.
12:09Well, why not?
12:10She might tell my wife.
12:11But she is my best friend.
12:13Oh, the more reason why she must not catch us.
12:15Get back to your bread.
12:16René.
12:17Hmm?
12:18Lieutenant Roubaix is waiting in the bar.
12:20He has a present for you.
12:22Since I have been a single man, he always has a present for me.
12:25Ah, Monsieur René.
12:36I, uh, I have a little luxury for you.
12:40Oh.
12:40It is from Gay Paris.
12:43Where else?
12:44It is a lotion to put on the face after shaving.
12:47It is very popular with officers in the tank corps.
12:51I expect it makes the tank smell better.
12:54Yes, indeed.
12:56There's nothing worse than being squashed up in a hot tiger tank full of soldiers.
13:01Can you not leave the lid open?
13:03We do, but you have to be careful.
13:06Occasionally, the assistants drop hand grenades in.
13:08We execute dozens of them, but they take no notice.
13:13Oh, but it's very strong.
13:16It's better on the skin.
13:22Hmm.
13:23It's Lily of the Valley with an hint of diesel.
13:28Oh, my apologies.
13:30Tuesday is maintenance day.
13:32I, uh, I do not want to be critical,
13:35but your lipstick is crooked.
13:38No.
13:42René, come here.
13:43We wish to talk to you.
13:45Of course.
13:47Yes?
13:48Sit down and pay attention.
13:51Right.
13:52Hmm.
13:53I understand that Helge has explained to you about the sausages.
13:58Get the paintings inside.
13:59Shut up, Hans.
14:01It's confusing enough without you joining in.
14:03Yes, sir.
14:04Yes, Helge explained.
14:05Now, there is a real knuckwurst,
14:08a forged knuckwurst and a knuckwurst for dinner.
14:12Yes?
14:12You've put it in a nutshell.
14:14Or a sausage skin.
14:16Yes.
14:17Yes.
14:17We now have all three sausages, please.
14:21Oh.
14:24Thank you for me.
14:26There.
14:28Ah.
14:30Now, as I understand it,
14:33this is the one containing the real painting
14:35because it has on it a little swastika.
14:38Yeah?
14:38And now, one of these I cook
14:41and the other one contains the forged painting
14:44which you are going to send to Hitler.
14:45Correct?
14:47Very nearly, yes.
14:49Helge has for us a most ingenious plan,
14:52which is why we have had to roll her in on the action.
14:55My plan is as follows.
14:59This sausage you will cook for 22 and a half minutes precisely,
15:03otherwise you will ruin it.
15:06This sausage containing the real painting
15:08you will hide in your cellar.
15:10Upon this sausage containing the forgery,
15:13we will place a little swastika
15:15and you will hang this sausage in your kitchen
15:18in accordance with Hareflex's instructions.
15:19What are you going to send to Hitler?
15:24That is the clever bit.
15:25We are going to send to Hitler a forged knochwurst.
15:30Hans, it is not a forged knochwurst.
15:34It is a normal knochwurst.
15:37It's a normal knochwurst.
15:40And what is Hitler going to say
15:41when he gets a normal knochwurst?
15:43It will never arrive.
15:46Somebody will tell the resistance
15:48that there are valuable secret military supplies on the train
15:52and the resistance will blow it up.
15:55Well, who is going to tell the resistance
15:58a silly story like that?
15:59The man who was hiding in his cellar
16:02a stolen Gestapo sausage.
16:05You cannot expect me to go about telling...
16:07Don't argue with me.
16:09I'll have you shot.
16:10But, Colonel, you cannot have me shot.
16:12I am not telling anything.
16:12We are sinning the war.
16:13I am a German officer
16:15and I can shoot anyone I like.
16:18Now, Helga, the stamp.
16:30Yes.
16:32Now, you will take this one
16:34and hang it in the kitchen.
16:35And you will tell them to cook that one.
16:38For 22 and a half minutes.
16:40Yes, Colonel.
16:43Lenny, you will hide this in your cellar.
16:45Oh, but...
16:46It's very lonely just talking to French girls.
16:51By all means, Lieutenant Kruber.
16:53I notice there's a spare seat here next to René.
16:57Oh, yeah, he's taken.
16:57We have finished our business, have we not, René?
17:01Hello.
17:01Heflick.
17:02Heflick of the Gestapo?
17:04Who else?
17:06Good evening, Colonel.
17:07Heil Hitler.
17:08Heil Hitler.
17:09Heil Hitler.
17:09Have our little foodstuffs been assigned to their correct destinations?
17:16Yes, Herr Heflick.
17:17And the little gift for the FĂ¼hrer?
17:19That is at the parcels office at the station.
17:22And we'll leave tomorrow night for Berlin.
17:25Good.
17:26We have cause for celebration.
17:29The Gestapo will buy you wine.
17:31A rare occasion, Herr Heflick.
17:32It will be on the Gestapo Entertainment Allowance.
17:37Even rarer.
17:39Sit.
17:41And try yourself.
17:48Hans, then Heflick comes back.
17:51He will sit in that chair next to me.
17:53He must not observe the sausage.
17:56Take it.
17:58But I...
17:58It is cold and clammy.
18:05He's coming.
18:07But suppose he sees me with it.
18:09But push down the table.
18:12René?
18:12Yes.
18:14Pass this to Lieutenant Gruber.
18:16Tell him not to say a word.
18:17Lieutenant Gruber, do not say a word.
18:38I beg your pardon?
18:39Do not say a word.
18:41We must keep this a secret from the Gestapo.
18:58You can trust me.
19:00Shake yourselves.
19:08Well, as Field Marshal Goering would have said, bottoms up.
19:13Bottoms.
19:21Lieutenant Gruber, you're not joining our toast.
19:25Oh, I am sorry.
19:27I was miles away.
19:31Where have you been until this time?
19:34Honey, am I late?
19:35Oh, as the time has flown.
19:37My world has taken on a new magic.
19:40The flowers are brighter.
19:42The grass is greener.
19:43I feel I must sing a song of love and hope and cheer.
19:48Take off your hat and go and do the washing up.
19:50What do you want?
19:53Oh, Patron.
19:55I am a simple farmhand.
19:57I gave Madame a lift on my tractor.
20:03I have for you a message.
20:06Come to the bar.
20:09Well, maybe for a simple farmhand, you have perhaps a cognac.
20:15If you are a simple farmhand, you have simple tastes.
20:18You can have a beer.
20:23It is I, Leclerc.
20:26Well, well.
20:29Disguised as an idiot.
20:31You know, you had me completely...
20:34What is that terrible smell?
20:36I have been spreading the muck.
20:40Michel made him do it as part of his cover.
20:42It is practically all of his cover.
20:44The message.
20:52The chariot will pick up the lovers tonight at two.
20:57You will be at the cow shed of Farmer Claude at one.
21:01Remember to bring a hurricane lump.
21:04Get back to your dungy and tell Michel I am staying here.
21:12What is the matter with you?
21:14You have the guts of a sparrow.
21:16How could I, the widow at trois, marry such a coward when my husband died for France?
21:22Edith, I think you are getting confused.
21:25It was, it was I who died for France.
21:27I do not mean to die for France twice.
21:29Not in the same year.
21:31Tell Michel he will be there.
21:33Ah.
21:35I go.
21:36You are not consuming your sausage very quickly.
21:52I've never had such a big one before.
21:57I stick mine in the pickle.
22:01I vitalises it.
22:02You are telling me about the interrogation you carried out last week.
22:14I have talked enough shop for one night.
22:17I think I have also eaten enough knock fast.
22:20Then René will bring you a doggy bag.
22:23But I do not have a doggy.
22:25Then we will throw it out of my staff car and let the French peasants fight over it.
22:32What fun.
22:36They are finished.
22:38Quick, Yvette, get in with the bill.
22:44Your bill, Herr Flick.
22:46I will settle it at my Gestapo headquarters.
22:49Yes, Herr Flick.
22:50Bring it to me yourself.
22:52Alone.
22:54Yes, Herr Flick.
22:55They never do, of course.
23:00Are you ready?
23:03At your command, Herr Flick.
23:05Then we will go home.
23:09Your place or mine?
23:12You will go to your place.
23:14I will go to mine.
23:15Thank you, Herr Flick.
23:24Good night, Herr Flick.
23:27Good night.
23:28Good night.
23:29Good night.
23:31The girls look very cute in the uniform of French maids.
23:35Thank you, Herr Flick.
23:36They are very popular.
23:38Should you ever require their services, thank you.
23:41I do my own dusting.
23:44I live up.
23:45I live down.
23:46I live down.
23:47I live down.
23:47Yes.
23:51Not forgetting Himmler.
23:53And Goebbels.
23:54And Goebbels.
23:56Quick.
23:57Lock up.
23:58We will leave by the side door.
23:59It is all clear.
24:11Follow me.
24:23Give us the signal.
24:25What signal?
24:26To Hoots.
24:27Of the owl.
24:28He did.
24:29I am a coffee owner.
24:30I do not do impersonations.
24:33I will do it.
24:36Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
24:40What sort of an arm was that?
24:44Apparently one that is unappreciated by the bird up there.
24:48A critic, perhaps.
24:50Don't move.
24:51I have four baskets with me.
25:03It is hard to get good help these days.
25:07Walk this way.
25:08And them out.
25:15What are these for?
25:21These are your covers.
25:22Oh.
25:23Oh.
25:25The cover is to be mushroom pickers.
25:27If you are disturbed, you are on your way to the fields to pick mushrooms for the restaurant.
25:32Ah.
25:33This is a good cover.
25:35The best ones pop up at night.
25:38Give them the guns.
25:39They're loaded, but they're not cucked.
25:49Why do we need guns?
25:51Mushrooms do not fight back.
25:53If the Germans find you helping British airmen to escape, you will have to shoot your way out.
25:58Where are the airmen?
25:59They are safely hidden.
26:01Follow me.
26:03Henriette.
26:13Thank you for letting me see you home, Patrick.
26:16Just in time.
26:19The rain is about to commence.
26:21My hair will get wet.
26:25Step forward under the brim of my white gestopled head.
26:29Where are I here?
26:38Shall I kiss you?
26:40Well, all right.
26:42Just a quick canoodle.
26:55I find kissing you where the elements are active.
26:59Very exciting.
27:01Of course.
27:10We are going to get wet.
27:13Sissy!
27:14Follow me.
27:15Inside.
27:16What are you doing here?
27:29It is I, Leclerc.
27:31I am disguised as a simple milky maid.
27:36You looked the same when you were a simple farmhand.
27:39It is the war, monsieur.
27:40We are very short of stuff.
27:42Where are the airmen?
27:44I shall take you to the...
27:46This is Gadir.
27:50This is Claudette.
27:54Here is Sophia.
27:59Bridget.
28:01And this,
28:03flight Lieutenant Fairfax.
28:06Hey, yeah!
28:10What is he doing here?
28:13He is waiting to be milky.
28:15Where is Carstairs?
28:16I am in charge of the canteen.
28:19This air.
28:22The other seems a bit small.
28:24So that is what happened to my washing up gloves.
28:27I don't mind my asking, what are we all doing here?
28:30The plan is due in ten minutes.
28:33It will land the other side of the woods across the road.
28:35The road is controlled by the Germans.
28:38Should we encounter them,
28:40they will not suspect six mushroom pickers and an herd of cows.
28:43What?
28:44Are you trying to tell me that the Germans will not suspect that cow?
28:50Not when he is mixed amongst the others?
28:52Monsieur Leclerc, it is time.
28:54You and the farmer must lead out the cows.
28:56See, immediately.
28:57See, immediately.
29:01What's going on?
29:18It's jolly hard to see.
29:20Use your nose.
29:23What do we do now?
29:24We go to the fields to pick mushrooms.
29:28Which way is the field?
29:29Follow the cows.
29:33Look, Edith, I have already found a mushroom.
29:36Oh, that is a turd stool.
29:50I say, Fairfax, what's the matter?
29:53I've just trodden in something.
29:56Well, it's nothing to do with me.
29:58I say, Fairfax, what's the matter?
Be the first to comment