Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 18 Twain's World
#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants a human hand.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:34So, that's how I wound up smoking opium with Irma Bombeck.
00:39But enough of my stories. We're here to tell yours.
00:42Brian Griffin, you're up.
00:44Sorry, I'm not quite ready. I guess the me ate my homework.
00:50Do you even have an idea?
00:52Okay, a dog who's in a writing class desperately needs an idea at 2.43pm.
00:59No, that's not an idea. You're just describing what's happening.
01:03Right. What about the boy with the dragon tattoo?
01:07You ought to be a writer, Brian.
01:09I need an idea that tears your heart out of your chest.
01:13Something so real and true, if you can't express it, you'll die.
01:19Okay, I got it.
01:20The Karate Adult.
01:22Brian, writing isn't just words or lazy references or marrying Noah Baumbach and having him do everything for you.
01:30It's adventure! Love! Intrigue! Life!
01:34And until you live it, you have no business here.
01:37Please turn in your scarf and leave.
01:41Okay, next up, Joe Swanson.
01:44A dedication for Bonnie.
01:46Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood.
01:49Detective Bo Bonson held the gun and whispered,
01:51Who can't walk now?
01:53Now that's writing!
02:00Hi, I'm the CEO of Bud Light, here to apologize.
02:03We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year.
02:08You protested and we learned.
02:10Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity.
02:13Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do.
02:17So we have a simple plan to win you back.
02:19Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer.
02:23Just bring a naked baby picture to wherever Bud Light is sold and flash your current genitals.
02:28If they're both penises, you get a six pack on us.
02:32Bud Light! Wow! How did we get here?
02:36Hey Brian, were you able to invent an entire novel on the spot?
02:39No, I totally blanked.
02:41What am I missing?
02:42How did all these great writers from the past get their ideas?
02:45When did we get a bookcase?
02:47I know I have something amazing to say, I just don't know what it is.
02:50Huh, kinda sounds like you don't have anything to say.
02:52What do you think it is?
02:54What do I think you have to say?
02:56I bet I could get over my writer's block if I could just step away from all the noise
02:59and get inside the minds of the greats.
03:02Dostoevsky, Hemingway, Twain.
03:04Are you gonna name a woman?
03:05Jules Verne.
03:06That's a guy, you turd.
03:07It is?
03:08God, must have been so tough to date back then.
03:11Jules?
03:12Ashley?
03:13Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.
03:15The 19th century.
03:17Most gay stuff was accidental.
03:23I tell you what, how about I take you back in the time machine?
03:26We meet some of the greats and they can help get your writing on track.
03:29You'd do that for me?
03:30Of course I would, old friend.
03:34I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.
03:36She sounds so hot.
03:38This guy wrote a gospel and the Bible is the most popular book of all time.
03:52So he's got to have some good advice.
03:54Luke can see you now.
03:56Welcome, gentlemen.
03:57If I knew you guys were coming, I'd have taken a shower four months ago.
04:00So Bathsheba said you're a writer?
04:02Yeah, and I'd love to know your secrets.
04:04Just take big swings, man.
04:06Don't be afraid.
04:07Like right now, I'm working on this sci-fi thing about a guy.
04:10Mom's a whore.
04:11Friends betray him.
04:12He gets whacked.
04:13Three days later, he comes back to life.
04:14He's running around like a zombie hippie.
04:16No offense.
04:17It sounds like a bit of a mess.
04:18Who cares?
04:19The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway.
04:22How was I able to focus to write David Copperfield, The Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?
04:32Well, writing is the only distraction from how literally everything in London reeks of feces.
04:37You should simply stool on your desk.
04:39Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench.
04:43You're not going to remember that?
04:45If you or someone you know is struggling with depression...
04:53Oh yeah, someone's really not going to kill themselves because a cartoon dog said don't.
05:02If you want to be a writer, I always say, never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
05:09So good. Just dead on, man.
05:12Feels like a wine mom apron to me, but what do I know?
05:15Suppose you were an idiot.
05:17Now suppose you were a member of Congress.
05:20But I repeat myself.
05:21Ha ha!
05:22Oh man, we are both on fire right now!
05:25Both?
05:26Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back to the future!
05:29Yeah, Bri, he's not going to know that one.
05:31I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers.
05:35I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee being magically transported into King Arthur's Court.
05:41Oh, a word?
05:43It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds.
05:48I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the Twain train.
05:52Feels like we're winding down here.
05:54Before you leave, may I catch another one of those wondrous cigarettes?
05:58You know, giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
06:04I have likewise, too, been addicted. Perchance, forsooth and such.
06:09Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.
06:12Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ah!
06:15I guess that makes me a bum bummin' butts from an ash!
06:18Oh, we did it again!
06:20He did it again!
06:21I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.
06:23Mr. Twain, crazy idea, but would you like to come back to our time and write with me?
06:28Interesting proposal. I suppose I should be hesitant, but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe. Mark Twain.
06:37Did you just quote yourself?
06:39Yes. Mark Twain.
06:41So, you'll do it?
06:42I'd love to see the future, and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel, The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan.
06:49You mean Huckleberry Finn?
06:51See? That's already better. I'll go fetch the manuscript.
06:55Brian, this is a terrible idea! We could change the course of history!
06:58You always say that, but doesn't history pretty much suck? I mean, the Crusades? Hitler?
07:03Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle?
07:05Again?!
07:07Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.
07:16So, what do you think we should write about?
07:18Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy going on an unsupervised journey.
07:23Yeah, for reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.
07:27What if Merlin...
07:28Yeah, we're also gonna put a pin in Merlin.
07:30It's your grave, pal.
07:31Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.
07:34Fine. A character should say, if you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute. It'll change.
07:42Well, that normally gets a huge laugh. Let's build the whole book around that.
07:46No, it's gotta be real, and compelling, and ripped from the headlines. Maybe something about a murdered woman.
07:52Why wouldn't anyone care if a woman died?
07:54Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years. We should probably catch you up on everything you've missed.
08:00In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid. Soon after, the United States entered something called World War I.
08:06And then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II.
08:10And so Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon.
08:13Then Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelsey, Trump was re-elected, and now we can say Merry Christmas again.
08:18So that's it. That's history.
08:20My goodness gracious. Wow. So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?
08:25From duct tape prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory wonder of today, the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.
08:35I don't know why we invited Chris.
08:41Okay, what about a murder mystery? But instead of a whodunit, it's a whendunit.
08:46I hate that.
08:47A wherdunit?
08:48I wish you had dysentery, because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.
08:53A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.
08:55Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an engine.
08:58We don't really say that anymore.
08:59A big murderous engine who's a liar and a thief. He robs graves.
09:04I think more details just make it worse.
09:06And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.
09:09Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum, then gets murdered by an NFT?
09:15I have no idea what any of that is.
09:17Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum? Could it be Dogecoin?
09:22Some of these women are powerful, attractive.
09:25What women?
09:26On this hub. This hub of pornographs. I need to use this outhouse for a moment.
09:32What is a Latina? It's like a regular woman, but different. I think I like it.
09:38Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona falls in love with a vegan.
09:47And for some reason, she has to eat fish to save his life.
09:50Oh, hang on. Stewie's texting me.
09:52Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff.
10:00No, we're here to work, and I know what you've been doing with my phone.
10:03I always say, find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never work a day in your life.
10:08And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.
10:11I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.
10:14Novels are stupid and meaningless. I've been here a month and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.
10:22The only thing that matters in this world is pornography. It makes everyone feel alive.
10:28Oh, literature is important. Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.
10:33Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset, lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.
10:42That's how all our great art was created, by undistracted people who could cultivate genius.
10:47We were all idiots. I'd seen nothing. I thought Hartford was amazing, and now I want to see it all.
10:54A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina, and other curiosities and wonders.
11:00That last line was definitely not brought to you by Bud Light.
11:03Bud Light, we're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
11:07Please keep your voice down.
11:08Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.
11:12Raise your hand if you like novels.
11:15Now raise your hand if you like Latinas with giant shiny derrieres.
11:22See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.
11:26Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone, and a place to stand. And I have two of the three. Give me your phone.
11:35No.
11:36Brian, as your friend, I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.
11:40Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.
11:43Then you've left me no choice.
11:50My scum. My cake pop. My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like.
11:59I love porn. I wanna make porn. I wanna be porn!
12:05Uh oh.
12:07Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich, but I have no idea what it looks like.
12:13You turned one of the greatest writers in history into a porn addict, and now he's God knows where!
12:21I know. It's a real where-done-it.
12:23What?
12:24Nothing. It's just an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.
12:27Brian, you've now thrown history off course! This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted!
12:32Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.
12:35Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.
12:37No, it's just one class. It's not like you're gonna be here forever.
12:41Mark Twain will be fine.
12:45Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand!
12:49Mark Twain the man isn't important to history.
12:51His work is, and we aren't gonna lose that.
12:53What do you mean?
12:54He left the manuscript for Huck Finn. I already handed it in to my professor.
12:58The quality is undeniable. He'll pass it on to his publisher, and Huck Finn by Brian Twain Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.
13:04You gave someone Huck Finn in this era? Smart, right? Yeah, did you make any changes before you gave it to him?
13:10To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not!
13:12Brian, have you ever read Huck Finn?
13:14Actually, no. Why?
13:16I was more offended than I've ever been in my life, and then I read your book.
13:20You portrayed violence and didn't even have a trigger warning!
13:23You just said trigger warning without a trigger warning! You know I'm afraid of trigger warnings!
13:27The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.
13:30I'm not white. My skin is like cow pattern.
13:33And it takes place on stolen land!
13:35Where do you think you're sitting now?
13:37Huck lives with two women, but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers. Why do you hate women?
13:42You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.
13:46They were on an adventure!
13:47You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him?
13:50No!
13:51Plus, putting them on a raft? That's ableist, Brian. We all want to take the ride.
13:56The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork.
14:01Oh, there it is. The word master. You're worse than the school's shooter last year. At least he knew everyone's pronouns.
14:07I know you're a they.
14:08I'm a whom, you pig.
14:10There's whom's now?
14:11Yeah, and we're winning all the swimming races, so everyone's really mad about it. Because amateur swimming is super important.
14:17What do you think, Professor? Am I crazy or is Huck Finn good?
14:21It's awful, Brian. And you're a disgrace.
14:23And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero, Bo Bonson.
14:29No. Consider yourself canceled, expelled, and worst of all, banned from my webinars.
14:35All right, fine. I'll get out of your hair.
14:37Professor O'Callaghan, can I take five for mental health?
14:40Legally, I can't say no, so anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.
14:46It's just a dumb community college, Brian. How bad can it hurt your reputation?
14:58Just watch some TV and relax.
15:00We will now return to how the Saturday Night Live opening credits sound once you hit 40.
15:04Flavadoo Marmaduke.
15:06T.J. Sambona.
15:08Mr. Scarlett Johansson.
15:11Jonathan Jonathan.
15:13Fee-fi-po-fum-felstein.
15:16Joran Bandersloot.
15:19Blue Cookie Man.
15:21Dildana Wham-Wham.
15:23Kenan still here?
15:25Who are these people?
15:26Finally a cost for my generation.
15:28Thanks, Dewey. I feel a little better.
15:30We interrupt Peacock to bring you this special report. We can do that now.
15:34Hi, I'm Tom Tucker, here with a new Cancellation Corner, brought to you by Bud Light.
15:38Bud Light, screw it. We're touching the hot stove again.
15:43Local canine writer Brian Griffin had a rough day when he proudly handed in a racist, sexist screed to his writing class.
15:51Brian's cancellation knocks Casey Anthony off the list, so I have a call to make.
15:55I can't believe this. If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.
15:59Now I'm ruined.
16:00That's your takeaway?
16:01You tried to steal his book. You really think you're all the victim here?
16:04Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it?
16:08People are so anti-dog, it's insane.
16:10Guys, we have a bigger problem here. Your little stunt ruined porn.
16:15What are you talking about?
16:16Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.
16:20It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool than to open them and remove all doubt.
16:29The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in your mudroom.
16:34I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
16:38That's not even Twain. He stole it from Yogi Berra.
16:41Alright, that's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain back into the past and undo this whole thing.
16:46Fine, but how are we gonna find him?
16:47He's on the 1500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.
16:51I have a condition called Dead Ass Burgers.
16:55It allows me to immediately identify where that ass at.
16:58Alright, but how the hell are we supposed to get to California?
17:01Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man and a boy making an unsupervised journey.
17:07A man and a boy on an adventure Just like Mark Twain wrote about in her fin
17:16Is that his dad? No, it's a stranger I guess that was normal, the time they were in
17:23People now just assumed there'd be molestation With a man and a boy
17:30That's a sad reflection Where we are as a nation
17:35It's just a man and a boy
17:37In the olden days It was just what happened
17:42It was all made with boys
17:44Don't call the police
17:46Or worry the least
17:47Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest
17:52If he was, that's a whole different story
17:56A man and a boy
17:58A man and a boy
17:59A man and a boy
18:00It's a man and a boy
18:01Just a man and a boy
18:03A man and a boy
18:05A man and a boy
18:06A man and a boy
18:07Let's not ask questions
18:09Let's all just enjoy
18:11The man with the boy
18:16Yeah!
18:17That whole time we just went 30 miles?
18:19Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way.
18:25Mark?
18:27What happened?
18:28This industry chewed me up and spit me out
18:31Two weeks ago I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters
18:35And now they've been stretched hither, thither, and worst of all, yawn
18:41Oh man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way my fault
18:46Oof!
18:47Ow!
18:48I wish I could talk but I'm due on set at 11 o'clock
18:51And 1108, 1119, 1121, 1127
18:57Brian, this is one of our great writers and now he's being used as a human Kleenex
19:03Wait, Mr. Twain, my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours
19:09I don't want to ruin your life too
19:11Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books
19:15Please, let us bring you home
19:17Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?
19:20Oh yeah, all that slutty stuff, yeah, you really showed him
19:22Well then I'll go, thanks for saving me
19:25You're good, man
19:28No, ew, ew, no, no, don't touch me
19:31You'll land in 1870, just step off and it's programmed to return here
19:35Hmm, I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute, it'll change
19:42I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious
19:49Did he just grab a tug tube?
19:51Tonight's Family Guy was brought to you by Bud Light
19:54Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea
19:58Bud Light, we can't stop doing sex stuff
20:06Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history
20:09Yep, thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school reading remains completely unchanged
20:14Hi, I'm Mark Twain V, here for the Twain Tube Emporium
20:18Uh-oh
20:19We've got the largest selection anywhere
20:21And we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools
20:25We pay cash for our new tubes, saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges
20:31And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast
20:35I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less
20:40But don't take my word for it, ask NASCAR legend Cooter Duncan
20:45I demand peak performance, so when I've got to reach the finish line, I make it a Twain
20:50You can trust Twain Tubes, man and boy operated since 1878
20:55That's gonna be pretty hard to undo
20:57Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?
21:00Who took my Twain?
21:01Who took my Twain?
21:02Who took my Twain?
21:03Who took my Twain?
21:04Who took my Twain?
21:05Who took my Twain?
21:06Who took my Twain?
21:07Who took my Twain?
21:08Who took my Twain?
21:09Who took my Twain?
21:10Who took my Twain?
21:11Who took my Twain?
21:12Who took my Twain?
21:13Who took my Twain?
21:14Who took my Twain?
21:15Who took my Twain?
21:16Who took my Twain?
21:17Who took my Twain?
21:18Who took my Twain?
21:19Who took my Twain?
21:20Who took my Twain?
21:21Who took my Twain?
21:22Who took my Twain?
21:23Who took my Twain?
21:24Who took my Twain?
21:25Who took my Twain?
21:26Who took my Twain?
Be the first to comment