Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 12 One Foot in Front of the Mother
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#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
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00:01It seems today that all you see
00:05Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:12On which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy
00:18Lucky is a man who
00:20Positively can do
00:22All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:25He's a family guy
00:42Well, it took a hundred pounds of rice
00:44But you're almost done, Jessica Chast Grain
00:47What's that? You want me to run away with you?
00:50But what about your husband, Gianluca Passi de Preposulo?
00:53Yeah, Italian names are stupid
00:57Aw, dammit! I'm gonna kill you, Brian!
01:00Nice
01:02The hell's going on over here? You've been barking all morning
01:05Yeah, you're welcome
01:06I'm protecting the neighborhood
01:08I heard from a dog who heard from a dog who heard from another dog
01:11That he saw a pack of coyotes on Spooner Street
01:13There are no coyotes on Spooner Street
01:15And your barking is driving me crazy, so just stop
01:17I can't
01:18And trust me, my bark is the only thing keeping these predators at bay
01:21Because if there's one thing that I will not allow in this neighborhood, it's predators
01:25Oh, hey, Mr. Herbert, how you doing today?
01:27Oh, you know me
01:28Easy peasy, youngsy boysy
01:31Sweet, sweet old fellow right there
01:33Hey, can I talk to you guys about Chris? I'm really worried about him
01:40What's wrong?
01:41Well, he needs to lose weight
01:43And his blood pressure's way too high
01:45I'm afraid he could end up with serious medical issues
01:48I mean, maybe even a wheelchair someday
01:50Hmm, if that were the case, I wonder if there's people on Craigslist you can hire to make that burden go away
01:56I'm just not sure what's the best way to get him healthier
01:59Maybe a guy named Tony Q?
02:01I guess the first thing I should do is get him to lose some weight
02:04Maybe this guy Tony Q's even cheaper than you'd expect
02:08Or maybe there's a sport Chris could get involved in
02:12You know what, that's a great idea
02:14After all, sports are in his DNA
02:16Peter's great-grandfather invented one
02:19I call it basketball, boys
02:21Now prepare to be dazzled by the most thrilling move in my game
02:25Chest pass
02:26Hey, that looks like fun
02:28Can I try?
02:29No, no, no, no, no
02:30Just ask for a while
02:31Well, good afternoon, sir
02:38I'm looking for a Brian Griffin
02:40Joe, you've known me for years
02:42Come on, I gotta flop around for like an hour to get my uniform on
02:45So let me do the cop thing
02:46I received an anonymous complaint about your barking
02:49It was me, Brian
02:50I was the anonymous complaint
02:52This here's a court order that says you have to wear a bark collar until the complainant is satisfied
02:56You can obey the local noise ordinance
02:59Joe, this is a flyer for your one-man show
03:02Joe Komotive
03:03The laughs have left the station
03:05Wow, and only five bucks a tick?
03:07I should investigate this next, cause that is a steal
03:10Anyway, the collar's programmed to give you a severe shock
03:13If you raise your voice above a certain decibel
03:18You're wasting your time, that's a military-grade collar
03:21A little trickle-down from Gitmo
03:23And don't bother trying to cut it off, you won't be able to, it's Kevlar
03:27Same stuff Republicans want our kids to wear to school
03:31Joe Komotive, all that and more, Friday afternoon at the VFW parking lot
03:39Chris, your mother asked me to get you involved in a sport to help bring your blood pressure down
03:43Now, you have what we're no longer allowed to call imbecile strength
03:47So the first sport we're going to try is the shot put
03:50Just take this cannibal thingy, spin around like a maniac a few times, and heave it as far as you can
03:55Seems easy enough
03:59Oh no, your car!
04:02Ha!
04:03Who's the pathetic loser for not having a windshield now, teens outside 7-Eleven?
04:08The student you're matched up against today is Chris Griffin
04:14He's not much of an athlete, so go easy on him
04:16I wonder where he is, anyway
04:18By God, it's the Griffinator from the top rope!
04:21Yeah!
04:23As a husky kid on the spectrum, this is the only kind of wrestling I'm into
04:27You don't have to explain yourself to me, Chris
04:30As an adult who's bath mad as newspapers, I'm pretty into it too
04:39Thanks for trying to help, Principal Shepard
04:41But I'm just not good at anything
04:43And all that stuff about carbo-loading is BS, by the way
04:46I ate a whole pan of the milky mac and cheese at lunch, and it didn't help one bit
04:51Uh-oh, I think the carb's just loaded
04:55Where's the bathroom?
04:57Uh, the closest one is all the way across the field
05:00It's okay, this isn't my first poop-trot rodeo
05:03I can clench and hustle
05:11Chris is using his hips to generate speed without dilating his anus
05:16It's the perfect race-walking form
05:18Oh no, the door's locked!
05:23And wow, just wow
05:25A natural speed-walker with form unlike any I've ever seen
05:29What the hell happened to us, Don?
05:31Eight years ago, we were calling Major League Baseball
05:34And now we're hoping a teenager will speed-walk by
05:37And I'll say the quiet part out loud
05:39No one wants to hire a white guy
05:42It's been a pleasure, Don
05:43You've been a life raft and an anchor other Don
05:48So, are we all excited for Chris's first race-walking competition?
05:58No! This is gonna be so boring
06:01Why couldn't Chris play a sport that's actually interesting?
06:04Oh Meg, race-walking's plenty interesting
06:07If you know the first thing about it
06:09There's rules about heel and toe placement as well as leg straightness
06:14So keep an eye out for the judge's yellow and red paddles
06:17Those indicate a warning or disqualification
06:20Lois, we can see you sneak-reading Wikipedia
06:24All right, since none of you Gen Z snowflakes can be trusted around a starting pistol
06:29Listen for the starting kazoo
06:31On your marks, get set
06:33Kazoo!
06:34I, uh, lost the actual kazoo
06:44So it's really just walking, huh?
06:46By the time he's done, I could foster another kid and raise him to play a better sport
06:50You know what? That's what I'm gonna do
06:57This is Rebecca, my new ward
06:59I found her under the overpass and said she could stay with us till she gets back on her feet
07:03Is the race over yet?
07:04Not even close
07:05Okay, I'm gonna go get this one a tetanus shot
07:07I imagine she's quite overdue
07:14Rebecca's my girlfriend now, Lois
07:16She's always felt like more than a foster
07:18And we've decided to explore those feelings
07:20We bought a condo in Tucson, so I'll be moving out
07:23Look! Here comes Chris!
07:30Winner!
07:31Rebecca!
07:33Rebecca, honey!
07:34Go, Chris!
07:35Well, she left me, Lois
07:36I gave her an ultimatum
07:37It was me or her tattoo artist
07:39But our thruple wasn't healthy for anybody
07:41She chose him rather quickly
07:43We sold the condo at a loss
07:44And she still has my credit cards
07:46All that's to say, I'm ready to rebuild what you and I once had
07:49You have to call the companies and cancel those cards
07:52I know
07:57Hey, there he is!
07:58Woofie Goldberg!
08:00Eh?
08:01Arf Vader!
08:02Bark Ruffalo!
08:03Yeah, I should've stopped on that last one
08:06So, how you doing with that thing?
08:07I'm doing just fine, Stewie
08:09I'm in total control of my barking
08:11Well, that's good
08:12Because the fat man finally fixed that broken doorbell
08:14And you know that always gets your goat
08:17Is it working?
08:18Did I do good?
08:22Ow, dammit!
08:23Ow!
08:24Ow!
08:25Oh, God!
08:27That was awful!
08:28Oh, locked myself out
08:29Anybody in there?
08:30Rurururururur!
08:31Ah!
08:32Oh, wait!
08:33I got a key!
08:34Someone I know is home!
08:35Rururururur!
08:36Ow!
08:37Someone I know is home!
08:38Rurururur!
08:39Ow!
08:40Hey, honey!
08:41I was just telling Bonnie and Donna what a star you've become on your new team, huh?
08:50Hey!
08:51I got an idea!
08:53Do you wanna take a stroll with us?
08:55First off, don't call it a stroll
08:57It's insulting
08:58And a little heads up
08:59If we do any photos
09:00You gotta tape over that Skechers logo
09:02I'm a Rockport athlete
09:04When your joints are such a disaster
09:06Even dress shoes need air pocket technology
09:09It's Rockport
09:12This next hill is really gonna test our mettle
09:15So why don't you ladies draft off me until we get to the top?
09:18Now, who remembers what to do when we get to the intersection?
09:22Walk in place like a lunatic
09:24Who's clearly using this mild exercise to keep their own demons at bay?
09:28Why, Bonnie Swanson
09:30If I didn't know any better
09:31I'd swear I was race walking gold medalist Maurizio Damiano
09:35Or Ivano Brunieri
09:38Italian names are so stupid
09:44So, Brian, what can I do for you?
09:46Come here to beg to have that collar removed?
09:48Oh, this thing?
09:49It's actually been such a non-issue
09:51I forgot I was wearing it
09:52But since you brought it up
09:53I feel like my barking is really under control now
09:56So we can have Joe take it off
09:58Shhhhhh, shhhhhh, shhhhhh, shhh, shhh, shhh
10:00Do you hear that?
10:01That's peace and quiet
10:03Ahh
10:06What, what was that?
10:07Did you just smell the silence?
10:09Why, yes I did, Brian
10:10Yes, I did
10:11Okay, fine, you were right
10:13I was being a loud annoying jerk
10:15And I'm sorry, please have Joe take this off
10:17Why do you think I like cats so much, Brian?
10:201980s fancy feast ads?
10:211980s fancy feast ads
10:22But what I really love about cats is how quiet they are
10:26They don't bark, they purr
10:28Okay, so what's your point?
10:30I wanna hear you purr
10:32I, I can't, I won't
10:34Say, how do you think a squirrel feeder would look in my front yard?
10:37Right there, right there in full view of your house
10:39Okay, fine
10:42Purr
10:43Ha ha, you can do better than that
10:45All right
10:48There, now will you call Joe?
10:50What do you think, Miss Kitty Witty?
10:52Was that a good purr?
10:54Ow!
10:55Sorry, Brian, she says no
10:56And when a woman says no in this house, it means no
10:58As of March 5th, 2018
11:00What the hell?
11:16Ah!
11:17Ha ha!
11:18Ah!
11:19Ha ha!
11:20Ah!
11:21What are you ladies doing here?
11:28We, we didn't have a walk planned today
11:30Oh, we're here for Chris
11:32What?
11:33Chris, when did you make plans with Bonnie and Donna?
11:35It was on the group text
11:37Well, I, I didn't see a group text
11:39Oh
11:40Well, give me a sec, I'll grab my shoes
11:42Actually, Lois, today we're going to Three Wide Park
11:45You know that park where the trails are only three people wide?
11:48But you said your fibromyalgia is acting up anyway
11:51Yeah, but I don't actually have fibromyalgia
11:55Nobody does
11:56You just say that to get out of stuff you don't want to do
11:59What?
12:00Couldn't we just walk, you know, two and two?
12:02Officer Three Wide didn't die in a tragic freeway accident
12:05So we could dishonor his memory
12:08Did you see that, Peter?
12:10Chris just went out for the afternoon with my friends
12:12And not one of them thought to include me
12:15Ugh, so brutal
12:16Hey, what do you say we go upstairs and I cheer you up?
12:20Oh, honey, I would
12:21But my fibromyalgia's on fire today
12:24Oh dear, never mind
12:25There's commercials for that, so I know it's real
12:29Sorry I'm late
12:34Me, Bon, and Don
12:35That's Bonnie and Donna
12:37We're in the zone on this morning's walk
12:39Huh, is that right?
12:40Oh
12:41Oh
12:42What oh?
12:43Well nothing
12:44It's just me, me, and uh
12:46That's also Bonnie and Donna
12:47We're doing a vegan challenge
12:51Excuse me, sir
12:52Would you like some breakfast with your cholesterol, Chris?
12:55What the hell is this?
12:57Oh, sorry
12:58Wrong chat
12:59You know, I gotta say
13:00I'm not crazy about all this time you're spending with Bonnie and Donna
13:04What?
13:05Why?
13:06I like them
13:07Because they're my middle-aged female friends
13:09And lately it's like they enjoy hanging out with my teenage son more than me
13:13It's inappropriate
13:15We only started getting along because they like how I'm good at walking
13:18Which you told me to get into
13:20I know, I know, and I'm happy you're healthier
13:23But now you, Bonnie and Donna are doing things without me
13:26And texting about the food I make
13:28Whaaat?
13:30We don't do that
13:32Hey, how do you spell uncoagulated?
13:35Like if something wasn't cooked nearly enough?
13:44Where the hell is Brian Griffin?
13:47Sorry, Quagmire, I didn't catch that
13:52Could you speak up?
13:53No, I can't
13:54Because if I raise my voice, I get freaking electrocuted
13:57I have never been so furious
13:59Take this off right now
14:01No way
14:02This is payback, you dick
14:03I swear to God
14:04I will choke you out with your own tail
14:06Yeah, I'd like to see you try, you sad, lonely douche
14:11Where'd you get one of these things, anyway?
14:14Joe leaves his cruiser unlocked
14:15It was on the front seat
14:16Hey, that's not cool, Brian
14:18Those collars aren't easy to replace
14:20Unlike congressional seats
14:21You can't just go out and buy one
14:23Tocomotive!
14:25Next stop, good times
14:26Now available for all private events
14:35A cafe gaggle without me?
14:37Well, you know what I might do?
14:38Well, you know what I might do?
14:39And I think I'm getting this right
14:40I might just take the morning way after pill
14:43And then poof!
14:44He's gone!
14:47Oh, hey fam!
14:48Oh God, there's my mom
14:50Wait, but if she's here, then who's at home doing the nothing all day?
14:56Chris, you're terrible!
14:58So what are we dishing about?
14:59Janet's husband
15:00I love him
15:01Kick her
15:02You're kind of painted into a corner now, Mom
15:05Is this chair being used?
15:07Yes, for Donna's purse
15:09Oh, Kate Spade
15:11You know she killed herself, right?
15:13Well, geez, Mom
15:16What exactly do you think passes as acceptable brunch conversation?
15:20It's lady talk, Chris
15:22You don't get it
15:23Oh, speaking of
15:24I know we said no more presents after we all got taken in that gift and table Ponzi scheme
15:29But I could not help myself
15:31I got tickets to Magic Mike Live
15:35Oh, sorry, Chris
15:36I didn't get one for you because I just assumed, you know, it wasn't exactly up your alley
15:41Well, you assumed right
15:43The Quahog production is family friendly
15:45They only do the parts where Magic Mike works odd jobs to secure a business loan for furniture making
15:50Oh
15:51Say, I was about to get a latte
15:54Who wants one? My treat
15:56Actually, we were just leaving
15:58We're going to Mount Quahog so Chris can show us how to walk while taking a business call on AirPods
16:03If you're not at a volume that ruins nature for everyone else, you're doing it wrong
16:08Okay, enough
16:09I am sick of you two being so enamored with my dope son
16:13Ever since he joined that stupid team, he's prancing around like some sort of fitness guru
16:17And you two eat it up with a spoon
16:19Well, I'm going to prove Chris is the same little turd he was a week ago by beating him in a race walk
16:24And setting all of this back to the way it was
16:27Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag
16:29You know she killed herself, right?
16:31Stop it
16:32See? They get it
16:37I hope that extra strength trash bag commercial was exaggerating what happens if you use the leading brand
16:43Ah, they weren't exaggerating
16:45Look at this, covered in rabbit stew
16:47The curse of cooking for one is always the leftovers for many
16:51Oh my god, Coyotes, Brian was right
16:58Listen to me, Brian was right
17:00I bet hell just froze over
17:02It's freezing in here
17:04You were just hot two seconds ago
17:06Well, now I'm cold
17:07Who's that?
17:08You knew my sister was coming
17:11Hell, her sister's here too
17:14Help! Help! Help! Help!
17:24Somebody's in trouble at Quagmire's
17:28And somebody's having a really hard time with Axle F on the keyboard
17:36It's quite a mountain to climb, but oh, what a view
17:44Hey, back off
17:52Ryan, what are you doing?
17:53Get out of here or they'll tear us both apart
17:55Don't worry, Quagmire, I know what I'm doing
17:57Ryan, you saved my life
18:07But why? I've been a total dick all week
18:10Because... I'm a dog
18:14And it's my duty to kill you
18:16Ryan, you saved my life
18:20But why? I've been a total dick all week
18:22I've been a total dick all week
18:23Because... I'm a dog
18:25And it's my duty to protect this neighborhood
18:28We might hate each other
18:30But as long as you live next door
18:31You'll always be safe
18:33On Spooner Street
18:35They got me, Daddy!
18:37Take the extra slam jams out of your socks, Junior!
18:40Take the slam jams out of your socks!
18:42Okay, so we're all clear on the rules?
18:47No running?
18:48No running, yeah
18:50Okay, on your marks
18:51Get set
18:52Kazoo!
18:54Hello, I'm Oscar winning actor
18:57And often impersonated Christopher Walken
19:00Here to announce this Walken race
19:02Am I really him?
19:04I'm not even sure anymore
19:06Strangers come up to me
19:08Doing better me's than me
19:10And I say, hey, that's me
19:12But, invariably, I learn it is not me
19:15I'm me, I think
19:17Look at them hoofing it through the streets of Quahog
19:20That's a mighty fine Walken
19:22And I should know
19:24Pause for laughter
19:26And look out up ahead
19:29Because there's a patch of wet cement
19:31That has been freshly smoothed
19:33By a very satisfied ethnic worker
19:36Oh, come on, says the man
19:39Slamming his trowel into the wet cement
19:41Further damaging it
19:43Oh no, he's injured his hamstring
19:58Dramatic music
20:02Congratulations, Mom
20:04You beat me fair and square
20:06Said Chris
20:07No, Mr. Walken
20:08We're done with you
20:10Christopher, you lost on purpose, didn't you?
20:13Why?
20:14Because I want you to win this race, Mom
20:16You looked out for me by getting me involved in sports
20:19Now, I'm looking out for you
20:21You need Bonnie and Donna more than I do
20:24Aw, thank you, Chris
20:29Also, adult female friends swap nudes way less than I was led to believe
20:34Like, basically never
20:35And that was not an insignificant part of my involvement in this charade
20:46I just wanted to tell you again, Chris
20:48I really appreciate what you did for me with Bonnie and Donna
20:51It's alright, Mom
20:53Once I realized that being in a woman friendship
20:55Didn't involve the sending back and forth of nudes
20:57I was kinda over it
20:59Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that before
21:01Well, that's how important it is to me
21:03Well, that's how important it is to me
21:04You're so excited to be here
21:05You're welcome
21:07Back to me
21:08Big Langan
21:09We must be here
21:10Back to me
21:11Pumpkin
21:12We must take a walk
21:13For the next day
21:14We must be here
21:15And have a great time
21:16We must be here
21:17And have a great time
21:18That this time
21:19This time
21:20Let's go
21:21You have to go
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