Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 15 Martian Meg
#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who has a human hand.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:35So thanks to A.I., here's a picture of what JonBenet Ramsey would look like in a bikini today.
00:40Wowza!
00:42But first, would you like to spend the rest of your life alone?
00:45Would you like your last meal to be a handful of red dirt?
00:48Well, a local firm here in Quahog is now accepting applications to take a One Direction trip to Mars.
00:54Huh?
00:55The mission is being supported by the Quahog Engineering and Scientific Organization, or CASEL.
01:02Okay?
01:03That's CASEL the organization, not the Mexican cheese dip.
01:06Oh!
01:07Mom, guess what?
01:09No, Meg.
01:10I got us two tickets to Laser Dua Lipa!
01:14All of Dua Lipa's hits synced up to a bunch of red and green laser doodles.
01:17It's three hours!
01:19We'll be stone cold sober, and it's in the middle of the day.
01:22Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie, but I'm busy that day.
01:25I haven't said what day it is yet.
01:27Weekends are just really tough for me right now.
01:29It's on a Tuesday!
01:31Oh, yeah, you know what?
01:33Tuesdays are just impossible.
01:35Wednesdays, too, and then Thursday through Monday, I'm pretty much just prepping for Tuesday.
01:39I'm sorry, honey.
01:41Maybe next time.
01:42The cast of Suits Then and Now.
01:49Aw, look at that.
01:51Yeah, slight difference.
01:52What's your cheapest morning after pill?
01:57It's called Plan C!
01:59Haha, nice.
02:00I get it.
02:01Let me get that gift wrapped.
02:03Whoa, who is this tall drink of water?
02:10I, uh, I like your horn.
02:13Is that okay to say?
02:14Oh, well, thank you.
02:15I do try to moisturize.
02:17Come on, Stewie, let's...
02:18Ryan, leave the aisle, and then come back and ask for my autograph.
02:21So, what part of Q-Town are you from?
02:23Oh, very hip, right by that Thai fusion speakeasy that used to be a needle exchange.
02:28I love it over there.
02:29Uh, excuse me, sir.
02:30May I have your autograph?
02:31Now, I'm in a conversation.
02:32Wait for me outside.
02:37Wait, no way.
02:38Both of you guys are dry or safe?
02:40Guys, are you feeling this?
02:42Rupert, I just knew you two would vibe the way we vibed at the drugstore.
02:45And that never happens to me.
02:48Guys, is this...
02:49Are we a... a thruple?
02:51Oh, hey, Brian, you remember Made In from the pharmacy?
02:54Made In?
02:55Yeah, see?
02:57Yeah, I don't think that's a name.
02:58I think that's just the words Made In with a sticker over the word China.
03:02Well, that's the name.
03:03And they...
03:04That's right.
03:05They are living with me and Rupert now.
03:07Great, Stewie.
03:08Have fun with your toys.
03:09I'm gonna go binge-surf Hinge in a dark room.
03:12Don't listen to him.
03:13He doesn't accept you, Made In.
03:15I accept you.
03:16No.
03:17We accept you.
03:18All right, who wants to get thrupped first?
03:26Oh, hey, Meg.
03:27Hey, Mr. Quagmire.
03:28So, there's this Dua Lipa show.
03:30Oh, uh, no.
03:31I've got two tickets, and I was wondering if...
03:33No.
03:34You would want to go with me.
03:35Meg, no.
03:36It's the synchronized light show.
03:37Please stop asking.
03:38I mean, honestly, it's pretty high-tech.
03:39I can't think of anything worse.
03:40No.
03:41Read my body language.
03:42Hear what I'm saying.
03:43Meg, Meg, Meg, look me in the eye.
03:45The answer is no.
03:46No.
03:47But you always say no is just a spicy yes.
03:51Stop telling people I said that.
03:53You want to go with me?
03:54Meg, no.
03:55It's the synchronized light show.
03:56Honestly, it's pretty high-tech.
03:57No.
03:58Read my body language.
03:59No.
04:00Read my body language.
04:01Hear what I'm saying.
04:02Meg, look me in the eye.
04:03The answer is no.
04:05But you always say no is just a spicy yes.
04:09Stop telling people I said that.
04:16Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dua Lipa's Outline.
04:25Unfortunately, due to a technical glitch, or an Eric as we're calling them around here,
04:30we're unable to play the music and will instead be playing the audiobook of the Joy Luck Club
04:35as read by Howard Stern.
04:37I got one.
04:38Feathers from a thousand li away.
04:40God, this is so hot.
04:41I'm telling you, I go nuts for these Chinese babes.
04:46Mom?
04:47What are you doing here?
04:48I thought you were busy.
04:49I'm sorry.
04:50There was a Groupon.
04:51The moment it was four dollars cheaper, I was powerless to say no.
04:54And she saw how quickly their eyes move when she told them her idea for the Joy Luck Club.
05:01Hey!
05:02She said the name of the thing in the thing.
05:04I love that.
05:05It's a god awful small affair to the girl with the mousy hair.
05:22But her mommy is yelling no.
05:26And her daddy has told her to go.
05:31Take a look at the law man, beating up the wrong guy.
05:37Oh man, wonder if you'll never know.
05:42Who's in the best of the show?
05:46Is there life on Mars?
05:55Shut up Meg.
06:02But Meg, why on earth would you want to go to Mars?
06:05I made up my mind.
06:07And this is what I want.
06:09You know what Meg?
06:10You're right.
06:11This will be good for you.
06:13And if you're chosen, we'll miss you.
06:15But you'll have our support.
06:17Oh.
06:18Wow.
06:19Thanks mom.
06:20I appreciate that.
06:21You see what I did there, Peter?
06:23That is some next level jujitsu parenting right there.
06:27Oh yeah, I get what you're going for.
06:29Get rid of Meg.
06:30Get some heart exchange student from Sweden.
06:32Me and her, we flirt a little.
06:33We get something going.
06:34And then one thing leads to another.
06:35I cross a line.
06:36And the next thing you know, we're all walking on eggshells.
06:38Her dad calls from Sweden.
06:39I can't understand a word he's saying.
06:41He's either really happy or really mad.
06:43No, Peter, listen.
06:44Meg's just rebelling for attention.
06:46I used to do the same thing.
06:48I once felt Ted Turner over the pants right in front of my dad.
06:51Very relatable.
06:52But what I learned about parenting from the jacket of a book I didn't buy
06:56is that when your child rebels, you can't push back or they'll double down.
07:01You just stay supportive, let them learn their own lessons,
07:04and they'll come crawling back to you in the end.
07:06How is that different than what I said?
07:08Plus, every lonely incel in the country is applying to this thing.
07:11She'll never be chosen.
07:13How could you possibly have any energy this morning?
07:31You're right.
07:32Time to greet this glorious day.
07:34First, we'll grab avocado toast at Simone's,
07:37and then leisurely flip through the West Elm catalogue
07:39and circle everything we hate.
07:44What do you say?
07:45Shall we take our breakfast on the balcony?
07:49When you're in a thruple, whatever house you're in
07:51automatically grows a Juliet balcony to lean against in your robe and boxers
07:55with a hot-flavoured coffee and just sigh.
08:07Welcome, recruits.
08:08My name is Sergeant Benziger, retired.
08:11I drank lots of water at Camp Lejeune and am now financially independent.
08:14To start things off, I'm going to say this one more time.
08:17This is about a One Direction trip to Mars,
08:20and not about the pop band One Direction.
08:26Now then, this will be a cut-road, exhaustive,
08:29and highly competitive selection process.
08:31We're not just looking for the best, or the best of the best.
08:34We're looking for the best of the best of the best.
08:37Of the best.
08:38Ah, crud.
08:39If only he'd stopped at the previous best.
08:44All right, trainees.
08:46It's very important to have a cool thing to say the minute you set foot on Mars.
08:50Meg, we'll start with you.
08:54Did I do that?
08:56Not bad!
08:57We would also have accepted...
08:58What's up?
09:01Okay, trainees.
09:02As you may remember from the movie The Right Stuff,
09:04we will need to collect a semen sample from each of you.
09:06But I...
09:07No exceptions!
09:08Figure it out!
09:09Well, somehow you did it.
09:11Everyone come back tomorrow,
09:12you start the real training with the real guy.
09:14Bye!
09:15The Martian environment is completely cold, harsh, and inhospitable.
09:20To train you to survive, we found a similar environment.
09:23An abandoned bed, bath, and beyond.
09:25Anyway, as long as we're here, feel free to just...
09:28take whatever you want.
09:30I don't really want anything.
09:32That was kind of the whole problem.
09:34Since there's no Wi-Fi on Mars, we're gonna send you up there with a VCR.
09:39And you get to choose one tape.
09:43Ah, yes.
09:45Sidney Poitier and Tom Barringer in Shoot to Kill.
09:48A crackling tale of survival in the Pacific Northwest.
09:51One man out for the law, one man out for revenge.
09:54Letterboxd? Please. I'm a pen and scan gal.
09:57Arthur Penn's Target.
09:59Starring Matt Dillon and a career-best Gene Hackman.
10:03The game of espionage is played by a strict code,
10:06but that code has been broken.
10:08Running time, 117 minutes.
10:09This has tape two of Titanic in it.
10:11Oh, sorry about that.
10:12Someone must have pulled an Eric.
10:14Learn to love again with Under the Tuscan Sun.
10:18Featuring Diane Lane and Sandra Oh at the tippy-top of her game.
10:21When life gives divorcee Frances lemons,
10:23she's off to Italy to make a Tuscan villa lemonade.
10:26Rated PG-13 for sensual kissing and partial nudity.
10:29Can't I just bring my laptop up there with me?
10:31No, because then I wouldn't have a job, stupid.
10:34You know what? Give me the tape back.
10:36You don't get a tape.
10:42Ooh, look at that one.
10:44Well, I know it's small, but this is Provincetown
10:46on a July 4th weekend made in.
10:48Beggars can't be choosers.
10:49Hey, Stewie, you want to get lunch?
10:51Give us a few minutes to washcloth our parts, Brian.
10:54We had a long night.
10:55Whatever.
11:01Oh, God. I can't breathe.
11:07This is fine. This is okay.
11:08As long as the thruple balcony is strong,
11:10the thruple is strong.
11:12Other deviant sex groups get these, too.
11:15This is my one-bull balcony.
11:19You know, you really showed us by signing up for this, Meg.
11:28And no matter what happens, just remember,
11:30you definitely proved your point.
11:32You see that?
11:33Yeah, that microphone's totally unguarded.
11:35I'm gonna do my Michelle Obama impression.
11:38Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us today.
11:40Eh, I'll do it an intermission.
11:42We have decided who is going to Mars.
11:45You are all worthy candidates.
11:47But, just like the box-with-thorn EMI screen entertainer's Highlander says,
11:51there can be only one.
11:53And the winner is...
11:55Seamus!
11:56Well, honey, I'm glad you got this out of your system.
12:03And to think I never pushed back once.
12:05Good thing you've got a great mom, huh?
12:07Poet Laureate Robert Pinsky once said,
12:11When I had no roof, I made audacity my roof.
12:14It is truly an honor to...
12:16Whoa! Wait a minute!
12:17Are those your arms and legs?
12:19Oh, man.
12:21I guess I wasn't really paying attention.
12:23The winner is...
12:24Meg!
12:25She won?
12:26Mom, I did it!
12:27I'm going to Mars!
12:29Barack hasn't satisfied me in years.
12:32That's your impression?
12:33It's less a voice and more, like, an attitude.
12:43Meg, you can't go to Mars!
12:44You can't talk me out of this, Mom.
12:46I'm going.
12:47But as your parents, we forbid it.
12:49Right, Peter?
12:50Well, as kids go to Mars, that's what they do.
12:53Hey, Meg, congrats on this Mars thing.
12:55Great stuff.
12:56Hey, listen, if I give you this bone,
12:58could you maybe bury it for me up there?
13:00That would...
13:01Yeah, that would just be huge for me.
13:03Oh, honey, you've still got your whole life ahead of you.
13:06I'm a hero now, Mom.
13:08I have a purpose.
13:09When that rocket takes off next week, I'm gonna be on it.
13:12Um, if Meg can go to Mars,
13:14can I go to the Pornhub Awards?
13:16Still no, Chris.
13:17I'm going to kill myself!
13:23We're good parents.
13:29Look, we all understood that there would be some bumps along the way, right?
13:32When you're in a three-way relationship,
13:34there will inevitably be times where two sides gravitate towards each other.
13:37Right now, it's Rupert and Maiden.
13:39Eventually, it'll be Stewie and Maiden.
13:41And then, Rupert, you're gonna feel like the lonely, left-out piece of s*** no one wants.
13:44Well, cheers, everyone!
13:46Oh, why are you laughing?
13:48I don't get it.
13:49Oh, it's an inside joke.
13:51Oh, you two have an inside joke.
13:53Well, I know a million jokes, too.
13:55Why did the old man fall in the well?
13:57Because he couldn't see that well.
13:58Ha-ha!
13:59Right?
14:00Inside joke now.
14:01Everybody agree?
14:02Ha-ha-ha!
14:03I'm sexually desirable, too!
14:09Wow!
14:10There she is!
14:11It's the girl who's going to Mars!
14:12I saw her in the parking lot, but I could get excited again.
14:15Meg, will you please join us in the women's bathroom?
14:19In honor of your sacrifice, we hereby rename this stall the Meg Griffin Memorial Handicap Bathroom Stall.
14:29This is literally what I've asked Santa for my entire life.
14:33Ew!
14:34What?
14:41I was trapped in by the ribbon.
14:43Yeah, it's always something with you guys.
14:50Hey, Brian, I got something for you.
14:51What?
14:52I thought you liked that thing.
14:53Well, turns out we had some irreconcilable differences.
14:55See, I'm a Taurus, and they're a home-wrecking slut.
14:58Stewie, I have absolutely zero interest in your six-dollar toy.
15:04Hey there, Rupert.
15:05Hey, you know what?
15:06Let's have our lunch by the window.
15:08There's something I'd like you to see.
15:13You see?
15:15You did this, Rupert.
15:17You did.
15:18You humiliated me, and this is what happens.
15:21You do not play games with me.
15:25But to be clear, I'm still a free spirit.
15:30Super chill, super open, super down for whatever.
15:33Hey Meg, we're all gonna miss you, and if you could pour this bag of urine on top of wherever you bury Brian's bone, that'd be huge for me.
15:46I'm really gonna miss you too, Meg.
15:48Really?
15:49Well, yeah.
15:50Worrying about the sound my headboard makes against the wall is a big part of it for me.
15:54I'll miss that tension.
15:55It's part of my scenario.
15:57That's really sweet, Chris.
16:06Wow.
16:07Now I'm actually feeling kinda sad to leave you guys.
16:10Yeah, too bad you can't back out now.
16:12You'd be widely hated, and deservedly so.
16:25Tom Tucker, live here from Cape Quahog, where local resident Meg Griffin is about to become the first person ever to go to Mars.
16:32Truly a historic moment, which we will now celebrate with a small but affordable clip of Europe's The Final Countdown.
16:40Meg's only companion for the flight will be a year's supply of food and, because she's a woman, her pillow from home.
16:58Oh my god, she doesn't want to go!
17:08We gotta call off the launch!
17:12Prepare launch sequence.
17:16Wait! Stop!
17:18No.
17:19No!
17:20But that's my daughter in there!
17:22Yeah.
17:23We can't just stop every time a mom bursts in here.
17:25You think Neil Armstrong's mom didn't burst in and say, wait, stop?
17:29They always say, wait, stop!
17:31Initiate countdown!
17:32Minute!
17:34Minute!
17:36Minute!
17:37And it looks like it's time for the Cryptcoin.com Countdown.
17:40Ten!
17:42Nine!
17:43Four thousand!
17:44Negative six thousand!
17:46Eight!
17:47Negative sixty-three thousand!
17:49And now it is no longer the Cryptcoin.com Countdown.
17:52Anyway, ten, nine…
17:54Oh, man. I hope I'm making the right decision.
18:03What am I talking about? Of course I am.
18:06Mom didn't even bother to see me off, much less say,
18:08Wait! Stop! Like Neil Armstrong's mom.
18:12Wait! Stop!
18:13Mom?
18:15Nobody shoots my baby into space!
18:17Mom, what are you doing? This is super dangerous!
18:20Ha! Don't worry, Meg! They'll never shoot off a rocket with a woman holding on to them!
18:28Ah, f***!
18:35And we have liftoff!
18:38Oh, my God! Is that Lois?
18:40Mom's gone. Dad, can I go to the Pornhub Awards?
18:43Ah, yeah, sure, Stewie.
18:44Yeah!
18:44Just hold on! Channel Tom cruise and is most mentally ill!
18:58Why are we turning?
19:01Mom, we're going down!
19:03Oh, God! Oh, God! I can't die like this!
19:09I never finished the wire!
19:12I never started the wire!
19:16And here it comes, the horrifying crash we were all secretly hoping for.
19:20Ah!
19:22Oh, my God!
19:29She's got the car keys!
19:33I'm sorry you won't get to go to Mars.
19:40Well, I'm just glad we got lucky and the rocket crashed.
19:43Luck had nothing to do with it!
19:48Hey! We're safe!
19:50It was the mom that caused the crash!
19:52You can't suddenly add 145 pounds to a carefully calibrated propulsion system.
19:58145? No!
20:00I'm only 128!
20:01No! We tested 128!
20:04We could handle 128!
20:06128 and the rocket's in space right now!
20:09Okay, maybe 130 with shoes on, but I'd know if I was 145!
20:15Oh, I wonder who I believe more.
20:17A mom with no job or six nerds from MIT?
20:21Hmm.
20:22I think I'll go with the nerds.
20:23So funny!
20:26So good!
20:28Okay, okay!
20:29Anyway, get in this basket.
20:31See, that's exactly what we were talking about.
20:47128 and we're back on dry line!
20:50But maybe it's because I have stuff in my pocket!
20:53It's definitely not the stuff.
20:56We'll go get the livestock crate.
20:57We'll be right back!
21:27What?
21:30I don't know!
21:32I don't know!
21:34That's right!
21:34I don't know what really is happening!
21:35Okay!
Be the first to comment