Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 08 Hard Times at Adam West High
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#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
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00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy.
00:18Lucky is a man who wants to give you can do.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:24He's a family guy.
00:30Wow, dinner smells great, Lois. What'd you make?
00:37Nothing. I just defrosted one of the casseroles Bonnie left on our porch after my foot got infected.
00:43Most of our meals are donated stews born of trauma.
00:46Well, I had a scary day.
00:48During my science lab, a whole beaker of chemicals almost blew up right in my face.
00:52Oh, my God. Look at this peanut. It's got three peanuts in it.
00:56Peter, stop bringing snack foods to dinner.
00:58How was everyone else's day?
01:00My day was awful.
01:02I had to give an oral book report in front of my English class, but it was right when I was at full mast.
01:09Okay, next up is Chris Griffin.
01:10My report is on Tom Sawyer, a modern-day warrior, mean, mean stride.
01:28Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.
01:31That is a song by Rush.
01:33I don't know, man. I googled it, and that's what came up.
01:36Well, as much as I'd love to sit and hear more about my son's public wood show, me and the guys have a tea time.
01:41A tea time? But it's dark out.
01:44Miniature golf, Lois. And it's gonna be a blast. Even more fun than a blow pop.
01:49I never should have married it. Once they say I do, they don't.
01:53Ah, man, nothing better than hanging out with my pals on a Tuesday night.
02:01Hey, why, how come we always do stuff together on Tuesdays?
02:04It's when America unloads all its weak-old tacos.
02:07Sure, Congress can push through Taco Tuesday, but we can't seem to get decent Medicare reform.
02:12Those two things are unrelated, Joe.
02:14Says the shell for Big Taco.
02:15Should have played through that birthday party. They're playing way too slow.
02:24Could we please have some quiet on the greens?
02:35Whoa, Chris, what's going on? Where are you going?
02:38I can't take the humiliation. I think my only option is to move away forever.
02:43What? Wait, is this about what happened with your book report?
02:46The teasing was awful, Brian. Even Principal Shepard got in on it.
02:50Chris Griffin, please report to Woodshop.
02:54Stop it.
02:55I'll stop when they stop laughing. My approval rating is through the roof, just like Chris Griffin's rod.
03:03On a more somber note, that kid with the helmet died.
03:07Chris, you can't just run away from your problems.
03:09Well, I can't just move on and pretend nothing happened. This isn't a school shooting.
03:15Okay, I see you're upset.
03:17And I wouldn't suggest this if it weren't so serious, but...
03:20Look, Stewie and I built a time machine.
03:22You did?
03:23How?
03:24You know, I was always really good at Legos, and I think it just kind of snowballed from there.
03:28You know, if I have any advice, it's keep building, Chris. Keep building.
03:33Anyway, maybe you and I travel back in time to this morning and give you a do-over on your book report.
03:38That would be amazing.
03:40Did Rupert come this way?
03:41Son of a bitch killed his wife, and he's blaming an eight-armed man.
03:45Brian's gonna let me use his time machine to redo my book report.
03:49Oh, is that right? And how exactly is Brian going to do that?
03:53With his time machine.
03:55Hey, I handed you a wrench.
03:56Yeah, the wrong wrench. Just stay away from it.
03:59Hey, guys, you know what might be fun?
04:07We should all pull our money and buy some scratchers together.
04:10I love that idea.
04:11Yeah, it'd be a great way to cap off our Tuesday guys' night.
04:14Oh, speaking of that, we've got a special on tacos today.
04:17Let's keep your politics out of this, pal.
04:20All right, you guys go ahead.
04:21I'd rather spend my money on this tightly curled horoscope scroll.
04:24Suit yourself.
04:25Here we go. Winning combo.
04:29Kim Kardashian.
04:31Khloe Kardashian.
04:34Scott Disick.
04:35I'll try my favorite. Dignity Dollars.
04:39Martin Luther King.
04:40Malcolm X.
04:42Oh, Jussie Smollett.
04:45Let me show you how it's done.
04:46Give me one of the bald bucks.
04:49Piven.
04:50Travolta.
04:52Cage, I'm a winner!
04:54Awesome.
04:55We won $123.
04:57Split three ways, that's 41 bucks a piece.
04:59That's fine.
05:00I'm happy with my horoscope scroll.
05:02Be sure to gamble today with your handicapped, horny, and black friend.
05:07That can mean anything.
05:08Also, close your search tabs before your big work presentation tomorrow.
05:13Bunch of mumbo jumbo.
05:15As you can see, third quarter sales...
05:17Oh, sorry about that.
05:18Yeah, let me just, uh...
05:21Okay, I don't know how that, uh...
05:24Just give me one second here.
05:25As I was saying, third quarter...
05:28I apologize for this.
05:30Like, uh...
05:31A mini-mart scroll warned of this.
05:33I'll clean out my desk.
05:34I don't know, Brian.
05:52Stewie said to stay away from the time machine.
05:55Don't worry about Stewie.
05:56Okay, just put in today's date, set the time, and go.
06:01DNA mismatch.
06:02Enter secondary voice password within 20 seconds to prevent self-destruct.
06:07Crap!
06:07Secondary password?
06:09Self-destruct?
06:10Wait, wait, wait.
06:11I got this.
06:11Zac Efron.
06:13Um, Susan Lucci.
06:15Uh, uh, Dora.
06:16Diego.
06:17Gold's Gym.
06:18Mykonos.
06:18Oh, I know, I know.
06:19Fabulous.
06:20Fab.
06:21Totally fab.
06:22Uh, uh, go bitch.
06:23Whatever, bitch.
06:24Love you, bitch.
06:25Um, yes, Queen.
06:26Yes, Queen.
06:28Yes, Queen.
06:52Hey.
06:54Hey!
06:55Hey! Did you see that?
07:08Check it out, Chris. Welcome to 16 Hours Ago.
07:12So, how does it feel to be living in the past?
07:15Wow, look how small that tree is and how old all those cars look.
07:20Oh yeah, there's going to be a lot of very small differences like that.
07:23Hold on, I thought we were going to time travel to my school and not to our house.
07:27Oh yeah, I just plugged in what was on the tag on my collar. That's the only address I know.
07:31Wait a minute, this could be amazing. We got a few hours before your book report.
07:35And with a day's advantage, we can use that time to bet on sports already knowing the outcome.
07:39Oh my gosh, you're right.
07:41Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on. Oh, here we go. WNBA. There's a Mystic Sparks game today. Remember who won that?
07:47I don't even know what city they're from.
07:50Which one has Caitlin Clark?
07:51I don't know. Both of them? Neither?
07:55Man, she's the best, maybe.
08:01Hey, Cleveland. You look different.
08:03Yeah, with my scratcher winnings, I was able to buy $41 of Ozempic.
08:08Donna thinks I'm starting to look like skinny Jonah Hill.
08:11And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait to be an aggressively unstable relationship partner.
08:16I see. Must be nice to have money to burn. I wouldn't know.
08:19Say, guys, I forget. How many people does it take to make a thing go right?
08:24I think you knew the answer.
08:29Thanks to those lucky scratchers I just bought Now That's What I Call Music, Volume 12.
08:35Game, cassette, match.
08:37Hey, check it out, guys. I turned those winning scratchers into a new belt.
08:41TJ Maxx was having a sale on everything that's strewn on the floor.
08:45Great. Seems like everybody's really enjoying their big winnings.
08:48Uh-uh. You can't wear that shirt because of my therapy.
08:53I got her right under my pudgy, non-threatening thumb.
09:02Okay, it's almost time for your English class.
09:04We just have to head off your past self so you can give the book report instead.
09:08Sounds good.
09:09Whoa.
09:09I guess if I have anything to say to Derek, I should say it now.
09:19I have nothing to say to Derek.
09:21Oh, here I come.
09:25Chris, you can't go in there.
09:27Brian, what are you doing here?
09:32Are you me?
09:34Look, there's not much time.
09:35We're from the future.
09:36Well, your future. Our present.
09:38Let me stop you right there.
09:39I'm 100% fine with whatever this is.
09:42I just go where I'm told.
09:45Okay, Chris.
09:46Get in there and make this the flaccidest report of your life.
09:49I won't let you down.
09:52Just in time, Chris. You're up.
09:54And not today, I'm not.
09:56Hello, peers.
09:57This is my report on the book, Tom Sawyer.
10:00The cover shows a kid painting a fence,
10:02and inside it is paper, which is made from trees.
10:06The end.
10:07Chris, I may have to fail you.
10:08Well, that's all good,
10:09because the only chub in town is the insurance company.
10:13Kobe!
10:18Quagmire, I see you're wearing a brown belt today.
10:20Did you buy another one?
10:22Nope, same belt.
10:23Reversible.
10:24That just blew my damn mind.
10:26Belts are reversible.
10:27Men are becoming women.
10:28I'm kind of getting into it.
10:30What's this world coming to?
10:31Evening, gentlemen.
10:32Thought I'd offer some celebratory popcorn shrimp for the big scratcher winners.
10:36Well, no way.
10:37That's the appetizer in commercials most likely to fly through the air.
10:41Any food that's airborne on television is very special.
10:44Peter, come on, have some.
10:51I understood the shrimp to be exclusively for winners.
10:55Dammit, it's not fair.
10:56I gotta find a way to have what they have.
10:58Okay, suction cups, pulley system, carabiners, rope, ski mask, and one last thing.
11:08I'll bet.
11:08I don't understand the crossword ones.
11:23Well, Chris, probably time to head home.
11:25And congrats again on a successful non-turgid book report.
11:28Please stop saying gross smart words.
11:37Uh, hey.
11:38Is, uh, is there maybe something you guys want to tell me?
11:41Yeah.
11:42Did you know there was a WNBA game yesterday between the Mystics and the Sparks?
11:46Yes, of course.
11:47The Mystics crushed the Sparks by 26 points.
11:50Aww.
11:50Yeah, huge upset.
11:52Vegas had it all wrong.
11:53Aww.
11:54Listen, I know you're probably mad we took the time machine without asking, but trust me,
11:58there's nothing to worry about.
12:00You sure about that?
12:03Ah!
12:04I'm sorry, little guy.
12:06Mom thinks it'll help the swelling from the burns if I put some of your diaper cream on my face.
12:12Looks like Brian and Chris kicked up a little more than dust on their mosey back in time.
12:17Now, please consider these fine commercial products.
12:21Whip sound effect.
12:22Yeah, he probably wasn't supposed to read that last part.
12:24Yeah, there, you see?
12:25There it is.
12:33Holy crap, what happened?
12:35We didn't even see Meg in the past.
12:37Well, Brian,
12:37I would surmise that in the original timeline, the laughter at Chris emanating from his classroom
12:44created a distraction.
12:46So by turning her head slightly to investigate, Meg kept her face from being directly over the explosion.
12:52But in a timeline where Chris was unaroused, the distracting laughter was absent.
12:57Come on, not one bag of pot in any of these things?
13:01So with no noise coming from Chris's classroom,
13:04Meg never turned her head away,
13:06ensuring that her face would absorb the full brunt of the explosion.
13:10That's a weird word, brunt.
13:12Such a dumb language.
13:14I feel horrible.
13:15We gotta fix this.
13:17That's exactly what we're going to do.
13:18Oh, this is bad.
13:20Did anything else change?
13:21One thing,
13:22Lois bought popsicles for Meg,
13:23since that's all she can eat now.
13:25Okay.
13:27So good.
13:31What's yours?
13:31Apple.
13:32Oh, there's apple?
13:33I thought that was lime.
13:36But we should...
13:37We should go fix the Meg burned face thing, though.
13:41Right?
13:42Yeah, yeah.
13:43All right.
13:44Oh, hey, you guys.
13:45I also got ice cream sandwiches for Meg.
13:49It's a time machine.
13:50We can leave whenever we want.
13:52I mean, we make the schedule.
13:53Yeah, like literally.
13:57John Hamm.
14:02Arnold Palmer.
14:04The third one's just a mirror.
14:06Oh, wait a minute.
14:08Scratcher.
14:10Peter, it's the middle of the night.
14:11What the hell are you doing?
14:13Uh, having an affair.
14:15What?
14:15With who?
14:16You don't know her.
14:17Her name is...
14:19Sandy Shoes.
14:22Peter, are you just looking at stuff in the car and making up lies?
14:25Lois, that is completely speedometer.
14:28Look, I don't know what any of this is, but just don't turn on the bathroom light when
14:31you come to bed.
14:33Okay.
14:34Thanks for no more questions.
14:36Love you.
14:36Mr. Griffin, you're under arrest for...
14:41I know, I know.
14:42How'd you find me?
14:43The store's security camera caught you checking your height against the door jam sticker.
14:47I'm afraid I'm shrinking.
14:48We're gonna measure again at the jail, though, right?
14:56All right, we're back at the day of Chris's book report.
14:59To save Meg's face, we just had to do two things.
15:02First, we lock up the Chris who successfully gave his report without incident.
15:05Flaccid Chris.
15:06Yes.
15:07Ew, gross, but yes.
15:08And then we restore the laughter that will distract Meg by releasing the original Chris
15:13from the custodial closet.
15:14Turgid Chris.
15:16You think you're clever, but you're not clever.
15:20Look, there's flaccid me.
15:22Happy?
15:23Now your crudeness is a whole thing.
15:26Okay, gonna stop you right there, bud.
15:28Stewie?
15:29Aw, crap, this can't be good.
15:31Hey, Chris, we're gonna need you to...
15:32Uh-oh.
15:34Stewie, we've got a problem.
15:36What?
15:36What's wrong?
15:36It seems that given even a few minutes alone in a locked closet, Chris, uh, took matters
15:42into his own hands.
15:43What?
15:44Yeah, he's in there sleeping and muttering about Lola Bunny from Space Jam.
15:47Who's that?
15:48A smoking hot rabbit.
15:52Okay, I didn't get it when you said it, but now I get it.
15:54So what do we do now?
15:55Don't worry, I've got this.
15:57Chris, your book report is back on, but this time you've got to do it at full mast.
16:01Yeah, um, one small issue with that.
16:04During the time you two were yakking about how the me in the closet just masturbated, I, too,
16:10masturbated.
16:11What?
16:11Oh, for God's sake!
16:12Dammit, we're running out of time to save Meg.
16:15Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.
16:17Um, okay.
16:19Close your eyes.
16:20You're a 19th century heiress, alone in her vast estate and awaiting a visit from the
16:25handsome vicar as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption.
16:29Yeah, that, that's nothing.
16:32Ah, well, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say here, but go to YouTube and type in
16:37Brazilian Women's Olympic Volleyball Team Practice.
16:41They're all speaking Spanish.
16:42Is that part of it for you?
16:44Portuguese, but yes.
16:45You guys, you guys, stop.
16:48I'll just type in Lauren Boebert, mutual groping, vaping, and public Beetlejuice.
16:52Oh, you kind of sexy liar.
16:58I'm ready.
17:02He's a good kid.
17:03I'm proud of him.
17:08What's everyone laughing about?
17:10Which one is Derek's locker?
17:12He can't find his anti-seizure medicine.
17:15Hey, just so you know, I can eat 50 eggs.
17:23You already told me that four times.
17:26Okay, well, 50 sometimes sounds like 15, so I just wanted to make sure you were properly
17:30impressed.
17:32Huh.
17:32What are you guys doing here?
17:33Ain't you all too good for me now?
17:35Peter, we never felt that way.
17:37Yeah, we were the ones who wanted you to buy scratchers with us in the first place.
17:40That's why we've come to bail you out.
17:43Bail me out?
17:44Seriously?
17:47Look, I'm sorry I overreacted, you guys.
17:50I think I was just frustrated about never actually winning anything.
17:53Peter, of course you're a winner.
17:55You've got a beautiful wife, a family who loves you, and a bathroom window that's not as frosted
18:00as you think.
18:01And you're white.
18:02That's a big one.
18:03Oh, yeah.
18:04My insulated experience of the world always makes me forget that.
18:07We pooled our last $15 of scratcher winnings to pay your fine.
18:11$50?
18:12No, $15.
18:13Oh.
18:14See?
18:15That's the thing that I was saying.
18:24Man, you guys are the best.
18:26I hope you can forgive me for acting so crazy.
18:28Of course we do, Peter.
18:30Wait a second, you got me out of jail for only $15 after I committed a robbery?
18:35Well, I pulled a few strings.
18:37Kind of an easy sell to the chief because you're white.
18:40See?
18:41There's that thing that I was saying.
18:53Are we for sure in the clear?
18:55How's Meg?
18:57Mom, have you seen Meg?
18:58Yeah, she went to the store.
19:00Well, I'm sure she's fine.
19:01To pick up some ointment.
19:02Uh-oh.
19:03For her vagina.
19:04Hooray!
19:05Oh, a bit of a journey, but we got there.
19:08Listen, Stewie, we never should have used your time machine without telling you.
19:12Chris and I owe you an apology.
19:14That's fine, Brian.
19:15At least your heart was in the right place.
19:17Yeah, that's the thing.
19:19I'm not sure it was.
19:21You see, Chris, I never should have suggested a do-over on your book report.
19:25What?
19:26Why not?
19:26Well, I realize now that all the awkward, embarrassing, difficult experiences in life
19:32are exactly what shape people into interesting adults.
19:35You need these cringy moments because I know you have a very interesting future ahead of you.
19:40Thanks, Brian.
19:41You know what?
19:42Maybe let's put a pin in the hug until that book report pistol's back in its holster.
19:46That could just be time travel related.
19:48From the re-entry.
19:49Re-really?
19:50Yeah, you know how you can get rando boners on airplanes?
19:53It's like that.
19:53Oh, that's right.
19:54The first person it ever happened to was Charles Lindbergh.
19:57There's Lucky Lindbergh landing in the City of Lights.
20:01And like all great pilots, he's emerged from the cockpit with a Betty Boop beach towel around his waist.
20:07I am perfectly limp.
20:08And what the Nazis do is an internal matter.
20:11What's going on, guys?
20:18It's me, Cory, with After the Guy.
20:21We've only got a minute to break down all the best guy moments from this week.
20:25And as always, we're brought to you by too many sponsors.
20:28Peter, what did you think of the episode?
20:30Well, Cory, I'd say most of it was freaking sweet.
20:33Just like squeezable Smucker's Jelly, now with a spill-proof top.
20:36And even if there was a plot hole or two, they're no match for Flex Tape.
20:40Flex Tape.
20:41Stick it in a drawer, forget you have it, and then buy it again three years later.
20:44Okay, question for Stewie.
20:46Who can understand the baby?
20:48Okay, as I've explained for the last six of these, Cory...
20:51He had to leave.
20:52He's boxing Jake Paul tonight.
20:54Closing credits under theme song.
20:56Is there a way to highlight just the words he has to say?
21:10We'll see you next time.
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