Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 09 The Elle Word
#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to give and can do.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:36Ah, the last small sip of beer. Always terrible.
00:40Hey, I'll catch you guys later. I'm heading out.
00:42Leaving early on a Saturday? I think someone has a lady friend, huh? Huh? Huh?
00:47Ow, my dormant tricep!
00:49There's no girl. I just like watching the classic SNL that comes on before the new SNL.
00:54And tonight, the classic SNL is...
00:57Deion Sanders with musical guest Deion Sanders? And that can't be right.
01:01Sadly, it is right. He sang songs from his album, Prime Time.
01:06Come on, Quagmire. Tell us who the girl is. You're the only one of us who can date. We live bi-curiously through you.
01:11Yeah, that's our penis.
01:13Sorry, guys, but this one's top secret.
01:16Forgot that a homeless guy sits out front. He's very yelly tonight.
01:21Huh. It's not like Quagmire to hold out on us. There must be a reason.
01:25Yeah, we got ourselves quite a mystery. Could even be an episode of Murder, she wrote, with Angela Lansbury and Paul McCartney.
01:31Well, she's dead.
01:33She sure is, Paul.
01:34You're Paul. I'm Angela. And one of us either looks like an old woman or an old man.
01:40That's the real mystery.
01:42Is James Corden nice?
01:44Not really, no.
01:50Okay, Brian, I'll crack a window so you can wait in the car.
01:53Ha! You can't come in because you're a freakin' dog.
01:56Come on, you can't leave me here. It's inhumane.
01:58Sorry, those are the rules. They only let in humans and squirrels.
02:02What?! I'm just kidding. Bye, babe.
02:05Alright, Stewie, hold my hand while I get our reusable bags from the trunk.
02:09Ha! Calm down. Where am I gonna run? The market?
02:12It's not like it's mango season.
02:14Huh! A mango bell?!
02:16Attention, shoppers. Mangoes will be ripe for the next two and a half minutes.
02:21I've gotta get in there!
02:24Huh!
02:25Wow, that was close. I've never killed someone outside the hospital.
02:28Oh, my God, Stewie! You could've been run over!
02:31Sorry, I was texting while driving.
02:33Unfortunately, your husband dared.
02:35Whoops! Oh, no, I meant...
02:37Ah, she ha-ha'd it.
02:38Yeah, she's a good sport.
02:42Okay, Quagmire said he can't go to the clam tonight, so I bet he's meeting that mystery woman again.
02:47Yep, now, I know you fellas haven't been on a stakeout before, but I've been on a ton of them, so...
02:51I just want to mentally prepare you for how long these things...
02:54Oh, there he is.
02:59Alright, let's tail him.
03:01And this high-speed adventure calls for a classic action movie theme.
03:06I'm romancing the stone.
03:08What is this?
03:10It's Eddie Grant's theme to Romancing the Stone.
03:13This is stupid. I'm finding another song.
03:16They do what they wanna do, same with people.
03:19What the hell is this?
03:20Adam's Groove by N.C. Hammer.
03:23It's the theme song to the Adam's Family movie.
03:26It went to number four in Ireland.
03:29And this is better?
03:30Your guy just keeps saying the name of the movie.
03:32I'm turning mine up.
03:33Then I'm turning mine up.
03:35Will you guys please turn off your terrible theme songs?
03:39Sorry, Joe.
03:42Guys, I think Quagmire's getting away.
03:44Yeah, look, Joe, he's making a right.
03:46Don't worry, I'm on it.
03:53I'm running over stuff at the Forum this Sunday.
03:55You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.
03:59Hey, Lois, I'm taking Stewie to the park.
04:05Come on, Bri.
04:06I need a post that'll make Lance think I'm outdoorsy.
04:08Uh, hold on.
04:09Before you go, I got something.
04:12Yes, you'll get unleashed.
04:14Oh, I'm gonna film my reaction in slow-mo.
04:16It's for Stewie.
04:21After that close call at the store,
04:23I wanna make sure he cannot run away again.
04:26So, I bought this.
04:28It's a child harness.
04:30That's not a harness.
04:31It's a leash.
04:32A harness is something Rupert and I use on my birthday.
04:34I thought you two also use a leash.
04:36Well, I guess someone's been listening at the door.
04:39No, you texted me.
04:40Well, either way, I demand this be taken off at once.
04:43Children don't belong in leashes,
04:44just like Bill Burr doesn't belong in the Mandalorian.
04:47I've located the child.
04:48He's on an Empire ship.
04:49I'll assemble a strike team.
04:51I'll jam the ship's radar.
04:52And I'm gonna go whiz in a Gatorade bottle,
04:54because I don't trust space toilets.
04:56Uh, which part of space are you from again?
04:59South space!
05:04Wagmire, come on, we tee you off in an hour.
05:06Don't worry, I'll register us online to save time.
05:09Name, Joe Swanson.
05:11Handicap.
05:12Yes.
05:13Wagmire, let's go!
05:17Hey, what the hell are you doing?
05:19Oh, he must be with a mystery girl.
05:22I bet she's married.
05:23Or famous.
05:26Oh, my God!
05:27Quagmire and the Librarian?
05:29Shhh.
05:31Quagmire and the Librarian.
05:39Wow.
05:40At the library?
05:41I guess Quagmire's been checking out more than just books.
05:43Come on, don't encourage him.
05:47I can't believe it.
05:48Yeah, and she's got BB-8 underwear.
05:50Lois said they don't make those.
05:52Guys, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave now.
05:54Yeah, sure, let me just tie my shoe.
05:56Peter, is that R2-D2 underwear?
05:59Yeah, they're old and stupid.
06:04You and the Librarian?
06:06I don't get it.
06:07Yeah, did like a bully dare you to invite her to prom and then it turned into something more?
06:12Or your boss is a family man and you're just pretending to date her to get the big promotion?
06:17No, there's no 90's movie premise involved.
06:19See, this is why I didn't want to tell you guys about her.
06:21I knew you wouldn't understand.
06:23Then help us understand, Glenn.
06:25Show us your world.
06:26Goddammit, Peter, you just had chicken wings.
06:28I just like her, okay?
06:29She's nice, she's smart, and when you ask her where she wants to eat dinner, she always has a clear, confident answer.
06:35No way.
06:36Why?
06:37It's true.
06:38And it's nice to date someone where I can relax and be myself.
06:40I don't even have to hide my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.
06:43You have plaque psoriasis?
06:45Well, I did before Sky Rizzy.
06:47I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my life.
06:55Sky Rizzy may cause general douchery like spinning at weddings and sky hooking paper into trash cans.
07:00Thanks, Sky Rizzy.
07:01Now my elbows are ugly for the same reason as everybody else.
07:05And that's not even the best thing about her.
07:07Believe it or not, fellas, she's the best I've ever had in bed.
07:10The librarian?
07:11Yeah.
07:12She's spent the last 30 years sitting at a reference desk reading back issues of Cosmopolitan magazine.
07:17That means she's read over 4 million tips on how to please her lover.
07:21You know, you guys would like her if you just give her a chance.
07:23I don't know, us?
07:25Hang out with a librarian?
07:26Yeah, I don't think we're a match.
07:28Like William Wallace and the guy who wouldn't wear face paint.
07:31They might take our lives, but they will never take our...
07:35Hey, where's your face paint?
07:37I can no wear it.
07:38I have the plaque psoriasis.
07:40Or at least, I did before Sky Rizzy.
07:43I can't see me loving nobody but you.
07:48Now this is freedom.
07:54Ugh, this thing is so humiliating.
07:56Ah, it's not a big deal.
07:57I'm sure no one will even notice.
07:59Oh crap, it's Jake from my gym boxing an MMA mannequin.
08:03Stewie?
08:04Uh, hey Jake.
08:05Just, uh, doing some resistance training.
08:07Heard about it on Rogan.
08:09Nice!
08:10Love Rogan!
08:11Yes, he's for the vanguard of independent thinkers who also have seven hours a day to listen to a shaved ape.
08:16Okay, Brian, I think I covered nicely there.
08:18I'm gonna go play.
08:19Ooh!
08:20What the hell?
08:21Oh, looks like we got our leashes tangled.
08:23Sorry about that.
08:24My little guy doesn't always look where he's going.
08:26Uh, Brian, I think he's trying to establish dominance.
08:29Ah, he's just being friendly.
08:30Sir?
08:31Sir?
08:32You cannot sniff back there.
08:33Alright, that's it.
08:34Two can play at this game, tough guy.
08:36Wow, you're six.
08:39And from Denver?
08:41Huh, there's a lot of information in butts.
08:43I get it now.
08:47I am so excited to be here with you guys.
08:50Okay, good stat.
08:52Shows energy.
08:53Peter, this isn't a tryout.
08:54Sorry.
08:55So, Elle, uh, hey, what are your arm tattoos?
08:58Oh, those are my three babies that never came to term.
09:01Oh, wow.
09:02Uh, yeah, maybe, maybe, uh, maybe you just long sleeve it.
09:06Oh, don't say it.
09:07Yeah, sleeve it or don't say it.
09:08Oh, I stopped sleeving when I started Sky Rizzy.
09:12Enough with Sky Rizzy.
09:13Do Taco Bell.
09:14At least they're a sponsor.
09:15So, uh, anyway, on the way here, Elle was saying how much she likes beer.
09:19No, I didn't.
09:20I said the library masturbator ruined another Atlas.
09:23Ugh.
09:24Okay, look, this ain't working.
09:26Elle, we're regular guys.
09:27You're a librarian.
09:28Alright?
09:29I don't know the first thing about libraries except that the atlases are sexy.
09:32Hell, I only even go to the library for the puppet show because I like King Puppet.
09:36You mean this puppet?
09:39Quagmire, I love her.
09:41You hit it out of the park.
09:42Hey, do you know the guy who does Prince Puppet?
09:44Yes, but the prince is a little shy.
09:47Oh, my God, how is this happening?
09:49I'm just Peter Griffin.
09:51Well, Peter may like you, but good luck winning over the Joe.
09:55Aren't you the cop who hid in the library when he heard shots fired?
09:59Never mind, you won the Joe.
10:01Oh, I also believe in essential oils.
10:04Would anyone like eucalyptus for their nose?
10:07Nah, that's stupid.
10:08Oh, that's nice.
10:11I can see why women make this crap their whole personality.
10:14Ah, this is great.
10:15I'm so glad you guys are getting along.
10:17We sure are.
10:18And I love this eucalyptus.
10:20I feel like Koala Peter.
10:21Hey, Mom, I'm going to pick some of these Tasmanian berries.
10:25Oh, ow, ow, ow.
10:26Oy, crikey, me peepers.
10:28I'm meaner than you think.
10:34Oh, no, no, no.
10:37All right, you can sniff the hydrant.
10:40Hey, no jumping.
10:41I said no jumping.
10:43Ah, never make your hobby your job.
10:46Oh, Brian, they have a movie with animals singing.
10:52Pass.
10:53Hi, do you have anything with any of the girls from Euphoria?
10:55Oh, come on!
10:56Miley Cyrus plays a sassy giraffe.
10:58Demi Lovato also plays a sassy giraffe.
11:00And Halsey plays...
11:01Oh, you know, I think it's a movie about giraffes.
11:04Listen, if you're looking to be a creep, all I can offer you is Jennifer Connelly in Hot Widow.
11:10Yeah, that works.
11:11How dark does the theater get?
11:12Sir, movie theaters are a failing business.
11:14You can do whatever you want.
11:15No!
11:16Animals singing!
11:17Stewie, enough.
11:18We're not seeing animals singing.
11:19Ow!
11:20Okay, well, we'll see yours instead.
11:23Wow, after all this time of putting up with your snide comments and domineering attitude,
11:28I'm finally in control.
11:29All right, let's go see my movie.
11:30Yes, Brian, whatever you want.
11:31Too late.
11:32They just turned this place into pickleball courts.
11:33What?
11:34Movie theaters.
11:35What a debacle.
11:36Thanks for bringing Al the other night.
11:51She's really something.
11:52She sure is.
11:53I don't get my shirt dry cleaned for just any date.
11:56This weekend, I'm asking her to make our relationship official.
11:59Well, why don't you just ask her now when she gets done kissing that other guy?
12:04What?
12:07Al, what are you doing?
12:09Oh, Glenn!
12:11Hi!
12:12Well, the top stars of puppetry are often unfaithful.
12:16You knew the risks.
12:17God, this is so humiliating!
12:19Captain Quagmire?
12:20Nestor?
12:21The guy with batons who directs my plane to the gate?
12:24Oh, God!
12:25This is even more humiliating!
12:27Actually, I'm called a marshaller.
12:29Yeah, I don't think that's a real term, but I can't believe this!
12:32Thank God other pilots don't hang out here!
12:34Glenn Quagmire?
12:35And the marshaller?
12:37Okay, I guess that is a term.
12:39Oh, Glenn.
12:40I'm sorry to have to tell you like this, but I just...
12:44I don't think you and I are working out.
12:47What?
12:48Why?
12:49We get along great!
12:50I know!
12:51The problem is in bed.
12:53You've just...
12:54You've never given me an orgasm.
12:56What?
12:57Calling all cars, we have a man ripped to pieces at 42 Maple.
13:02Heartbroken, guts pulled right out.
13:04Suspect is a saucy librarian.
13:07The strangler got away cause I was goofing on the radio.
13:10Hey, guys.
13:19Hey, you hear about Glenn Quagmire?
13:21Can't pleasure a woman!
13:23Peter, that's me!
13:24Oh, sorry, I thought I was somewhere else.
13:25Anyway, we haven't told anyone.
13:27How you doing, buddy?
13:28Well, you know, it was a shock at first, but I'm starting to adjust.
13:31I've gotten really into running 10Ks, I garden now,
13:34and I even bought season tickets for the Orioles,
13:36since that's what guys who can't satisfy women do.
13:41What's that?
13:42My new car.
13:43I traded in my convertible for a Toyota Yaris.
13:45Sign here that you're incapable of satisfying a woman.
13:50Great, and I'm so sorry, you now own a Yaris.
13:53I also got a nice text from Josh Charles.
13:55What?
13:56When a guy can't please a woman, he gets a text from Josh Charles.
13:59He's kind of the leader of our community.
14:01Okay, well, I guess things aren't so bad then.
14:03Of course they are!
14:05I hate my life now!
14:06I can't even be a pilot anymore,
14:07because the passengers don't respect me!
14:09Bye now.
14:10Thanks for flying.
14:11Ma'am, can I help you get off?
14:12Mmm, not from what I hear.
14:15I was also on that flight.
14:17And then I got a cease and desist order
14:19from the people who licensed the word giggity!
14:21What?
14:22Yeah, it's a standard franchise agreement,
14:23but apparently it can only be used by men
14:25who can satisfy their partners.
14:27Hey, guys.
14:28I'm just gonna trim this overgrown bush.
14:30G-g-g...
14:31Oh, God!
14:32What am I gonna do?
14:38Thanks, Josh.
14:40Guys, we have to do something.
14:45Yeah, we gotta help him get his mojo back.
14:47Come on, Quagmire.
14:48Let's get you up.
14:49Yeah, I hate seeing you like this.
14:51And I wanna know who the hell has giggity right now.
14:54Giggity.
14:55You know what?
14:56Good for the giggity people.
14:57Embracing change.
15:03Uh, Stewie, do I need to take out the leash?
15:05Sorry, Bri.
15:06So listen, I have to change my flight,
15:08and I need you to wait on hold for me.
15:10Oh, come on!
15:11That'll take forever!
15:12Uh, uh, uh.
15:13Uh.
15:14Uh.
15:15Uh.
15:25Mrs. Celia, how may I help you?
15:27Oh, thank God.
15:28My name is Brian Griffin.
15:29I'm calling about flight 432 to Chicago.
15:31Tell her I want a flight with zero male flight attendants.
15:34That's what I'm calling for?
15:36And I want to sit next to a half-Asian chick.
15:38How would they even know that?
15:39I heard your requests.
15:40You are now on flight 376 and sitting next to Grace Thompson Wu.
15:45Really?
15:46Yes.
15:47We do this all the time for James Franco.
15:48All right.
15:49Now call Ticketmaster.
15:51Ugh.
15:52You've reached Ticketmaster.
15:53Good luck, douchebag.
15:55Ticketmaster, what a debacle!
16:01All right, Quagmire, we're gonna tell you everything we know about lovemaking
16:04to help you excite women again.
16:06Yeah, and everything I know I learned from amateur porn.
16:09Do you have a Jacksonville Jaguars hat you can put on backwards?
16:12Look, I don't think this is helpful, Peter.
16:13I want to have real sex.
16:14Oh.
16:15Well then the key is to eat a giant steak and then fall asleep on top of Lois.
16:19She loves that.
16:20Or maybe try some scented body butter.
16:23I rub some on before relations with Donna.
16:26By the end of the night, she's like Yosemite Sam with two guns.
16:30She says I have the rootinest, tootinest, girthiest, sturdiest, most positively elephantiest jackhammer in all the West.
16:38Okay.
16:39Ray, maybe you're just not a sex guy anymore.
16:41Maybe you date the girls, but another fella steps in for the sex.
16:45That's what Bon and I do.
16:47This poor sap's upstairs nailing my wife.
16:50Meanwhile, I'm in the basement knocking out Frasier's left and right.
16:53Guys, this has been spectacularly unhelpful.
16:56What do you want us to do? You're the sex guy in the group.
16:59Not anymore I'm not.
17:00Thanks for trying, but let's be honest.
17:03I'm old. I'm washed up.
17:05My days of pleasing women are behind me.
17:07You guys can let yourselves out.
17:09I think I'm gonna take a nap.
17:13Who else but Quagmire?
17:17What'd you say to me?
17:18You heard me.
17:19Who else could hit on my wife for 20 years?
17:22Quagmire?
17:23Who else could sleep with my first wife?
17:25Quagmire?
17:26So don't you give me this crap that you're old and washed up.
17:28You'll never be.
17:29And you know why?
17:30Cause who else but Quagmire?
17:33I'll tell you who else.
17:34No one.
17:35I'm gonna go out there, get my mojo back,
17:37and then I'm giving Elle the time of her life.
17:46The Toyota Yaris. What a debacle.
17:49Ah, it's a great day for a walk.
17:55Yeah, yeah, when the wind made that fence rattle,
17:57you did a good job barking at it.
18:00It was a crisis, and I feel like I took charge.
18:02Hey, what do you say we take another lap around the block?
18:04Oh, I don't know.
18:05I'm really tired now, and my diaper lost contain.
18:08Come on, we're taking another lap.
18:10Please, Rupert and I ate at a cantina last night.
18:13I don't care, Stewie.
18:14I have the leash, so I'm in control.
18:16Ah!
18:17Ah!
18:32Okay, well, two dogs are disappointed in me.
18:34And they should be.
18:36Look at me.
18:37I've become the power-hungry, inhumane dog owner that I despise.
18:41I'm sorry, Stewie.
18:43I never should have treated you like this.
18:45You don't need a leash.
18:46You need to be free.
18:47Really?
18:48That's right, pal.
18:50Ooh, the ice cream truck!
18:54Ow!
18:55Did you see the driver?
18:56It was Caitlyn Jenner again.
18:57God, how is Caitlyn Jenner still allowed to drive?
19:00That was practically manslaughter!
19:02More like they-them slaughter.
19:04You know what?
19:05I don't think we're qualified to talk about this.
19:12Glenn!
19:13Hello, gorgeous.
19:14These are for you.
19:15I took your criticism to heart, and I'm here to let you know I've upped my game.
19:19I have more stamina, more flexibility, and you know that trick where someone ties a knot with a cherry stem?
19:29Dammit.
19:30I was much more painful than I thought it'd be.
19:32Oh, I don't know, Glenn.
19:34Are you sure you can handle me?
19:36Better question.
19:37Can you handle me?
19:39All right, let's load him in.
19:43What happened?
19:44O-I-A.
19:45Orgasm-induced aneurysm.
19:47Poor guy slept with someone out of his league.
19:50I gotta say, his elbows look perfect.
19:52Thanks, Sky Rizzy.
19:53Well, Elle may not have worked out, but a lot of women still enjoy my company.
20:05I guess Elle was just too much woman for me.
20:08And perhaps anyone.
20:09Hi, I'm John Mayer.
20:10I put my skinny arms in a t-shirt today to let you know that every year over a hundred thousand men die from an orgasm-induced aneurysm, or O-I-A.
20:30Every guy wants sex to be mind-blowing, but not like this.
20:35So please, donate to Stop O-I-A today and help us make every man's body a wonderland.
20:41Should I play the song now?
20:43No, the guy was from Boston, so we're gonna do that screaming shanty rock that makes Bruins fans punch each other in the face.
Be the first to comment