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Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 00 (special) Disneys Hulus Family Guys Hallmark Channels Lifetimes Familiar Holiday
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TV
Transcript
00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:07But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:13But she's a family guy.
00:16Lucky is a man who wants to give and can do all the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:23He's a family guy.
00:29Mostly family guy, though.
00:56I like four trucks and I think the arcade is groovy.
01:11And I like you.
01:13And Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's Familiar Holiday Movie.
01:21What floor, ma'am?
01:23Important business lady floor.
01:25Oh, two.
01:27Good morning, Glenn.
01:28Morning, Lois.
01:29Here's your protein bar breakfast to show you're too busy to eat a normal breakfast.
01:33I assume you'll be sleeping at the office tonight?
01:35Affirmative.
01:36Lois, I don't want to speak out of turn, but when are you going to slow down?
01:40Find a man or a dog, those being the only options since this is a Hallmark movie.
01:44Well, I have no time for relationships, Glenn.
01:47I'm on the fast track.
01:48And I plan to be CEO one day.
01:50Okay, well, I'm going to stop by the water cooler to check on the latest gossip.
01:54I heard American Greeting is run by Nazi sympathizers.
01:57All right, this is a Hallmark movie.
01:59Lois!
02:00Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt?
02:02What are we going to do about this?
02:08We're Big Pie, and yet every year we lose Best Pie Award to this tiny podunk pie shop in the middle of nowhere.
02:14What do you have to say about that?
02:16Well, there's hundreds of pie shops, so all things considered, second place is pretty darn good.
02:20It's bad!
02:21I'm sorry, sir.
02:22You're just lucky you're a local hire which got us our tax credit to film in Vancouver.
02:26Yep, being Canadian is the best thing about me.
02:29Pewterschmidt, pack your bags.
02:31I'm sending you to that tiny hick town to steal the Aunt Maud's pie recipe so we can put them out of business.
02:36But it's Christmas.
02:38You don't care about Christmas.
02:40All you care about is getting ahead.
02:42Well, this is your chance.
02:43My dream is to be CEO.
02:45So, okay, I'll do it.
02:47Great.
02:48Since we're done with business, I now have to go sit nude in a sauna with other CEOs.
02:53I'll say the quiet part out loud.
02:55I'm Miss Charlie Rose.
02:57And Harvey.
02:58And Matt.
02:59And Les Moonves.
03:00I'm still here.
03:01Oh, hi, Les.
03:02Well, this stretch of road looks straight enough for mascara.
03:10Look out!
03:11Ah!
03:12Ah!
03:13Ah!
03:14Ah!
03:15Hello?
03:16Is anyone here?
03:17Looks like that fancy car of yours is having a little trouble.
03:22Is that one of them Volvo Sadies?
03:23Yeah, it is.
03:24You think you can fix it?
03:25Well, we'll just have to take a look-see.
03:26Welcome to Townsville.
03:27My name is Peter.
03:28You might remember me from the three other Hallmark movies where we were a couple.
03:31Oh!
03:32You've got working man hands.
03:33We don't get that in Cityopolis.
03:34Excuse me, big city lady.
03:35I don't know.
03:36I don't know.
03:37I don't know.
03:38I don't know.
03:39I don't know.
03:40That fancy car of yours is having a little trouble.
03:41Is that one of them Volvo Sadies?
03:42Yeah, it is.
03:43You think you can fix it?
03:45Well, we'll just have to take a look-see.
03:47Welcome to Townsville.
03:49My name is Peter.
03:50You might remember me from the three other Hallmark movies where we were a couple.
03:54Oh.
03:55You've got working man hands.
03:57We don't get that in Cityopolis.
03:59Excuse me, big city lady.
04:01Why can't white people win Oscars anymore?
04:03Well, now who's this little guy?
04:05Oh, that's my son, Stewie.
04:07I raise him alone.
04:08Not because of divorce, but because his mom died of a sad, tragic disease.
04:12Hmm.
04:13Sounds made up.
04:14It is.
04:15Peter, who are you talking to?
04:17Oh, no.
04:18It's my hot local girlfriend who was cast to attract a male audience we'll never get.
04:25Uh, no one, dear.
04:27Just a lady with car trouble.
04:28Not anyone I'm attracted to and will masturbate to later.
04:31Well, I'll have you know, I was the best looking girl in an even smaller town.
04:35Smaller town?
04:36I won all of the stupid hot girl awards.
04:38I've been on the cover of Forbes.
04:40It's Ford.
04:41And I've been on the hood of it, too.
04:44Don't worry, ma'am.
04:45I'll get your car fixed so you can get back to, uh, what was your town called?
04:49Cityopolis.
04:50Doesn't ring a bell.
04:51Uh, Cityopolis?
04:52The most famous city in the world?
04:54Never heard of it.
04:55The world capital of theater, ballet, and fashion?
04:58Colder.
04:59The epicenter of deep state media controlling globalists.
05:03Oh, Cityopolis.
05:04Peter, what are you doing here?
05:20Hey, Lois, I just wanted to update you on your car.
05:22The part won't be here for three days.
05:24Three days?
05:25Yeah, the part's on a high shelf, and we only got one ladder in town.
05:29Between the roofers and the apple pickers, about three days is average.
05:32That's assuming there's no fires, mind you.
05:34You mean I'm stuck here for three days?
05:36Yeah, sorry.
05:37Hey, listen, as long as you're stuck, why don't you let me show you around?
05:40It's not the big city, but for me, it's home.
05:42If you give it a chance, I think you'll find a lot to love in Townsville.
05:46Okay, sure.
05:51I'd like that.
05:53Let's go.
05:54Let's go.
05:56Let's go.
05:57Let's go.
05:58Yeah, it's time for the church.
06:01Yeah, let's go.
06:03That's good.
06:11I'm not sure.
06:12I'm not sure if I can tell you.
06:14It's time for the church.
06:16But at the church, I'm not sure you're not sure who's done.
06:19you think that's funny you think that's funny mister i'll have you know that a little snow
06:32got in the wrist of my sweater now my wrist is wet i have to wear a different sweater for a
06:37little bit because i have to hang up this sweater next to the heater at home wool isn't supposed to
06:43get wet you should know that i'm gonna go have a word with your father who used to haze me with
06:47his penis in high school and is being played by patrick duffy because this is a hallmark movie
06:52good day peter what a perfect little town you have it's it's so charming yeah it really is granted the
07:03schools only go up to eighth grade and the ku klux klan marches through town every couple of years
07:07they do yeah but most people boo and only a few take flyers but most of all townsville is known
07:12for its picture perfect christmas pageant ah hey aunt maude's pies now didn't you say you knew
07:21someone who worked there actually i kind of know the owner they're opening up about now why don't i
07:25introduce you peter your aunt maude's pies wow i gotta take a photo of this with my samsung galaxy tab s9
07:38disney's hulu's family guys hallmark channels lifetime's familiar holiday movie is brought to
07:43you by samsung okay i'll just put this down now label out yes label out i got your email thank you
07:51stay tuned for more label out programming
07:53peter i can't believe your aunt maude's pies your pies are so good i mean they're city good
08:05peter you dropped your kid off at school but it's saturday i know i wanted him to swipe some
08:10school supplies did you get that staple remover that looks like a monster ah don't use it on me
08:16lois this is joe and this is cleveland in a scene that can be cut without loss of continuity in certain
08:22red states guys lois is visiting from cityopolis oh is she now oh is she now he's definitely getting
08:29cut nice to meet you all lois you are in for a treat aunt maude's pies are the best around
08:36it'll help take off that big city edge it'll help you take off that big city edge you're welcome
08:41florida panhandle oh my god that is so delicious where did you get that recipe i mean just as a fan
08:53not a corporate spy or anything well when my beloved wife died you divorced her i don't know why you
08:59won't admit it i thought i'd never make another pie but the memory of patty susan kept me going
09:04she lives down the street god rest her soul they both have a court date tomorrow oh yeah my family's
09:09been making pies for generations that's my grandma in the racist old photos from the 50s
09:14here she is kicking some italians out of the shop it was her original recipe and her secret
09:19ingredient was simple it's good morning townsville tommy tucker here reminding y'all that's right y'all
09:25this is a hallmark movie that the big townsville christmas pageant and parade is just days away
09:30it promises to be the highlight of the year with the tree lighting oxycontin cook-off and cousin
09:35kissing booth oh crap look at the time what's wrong i'm late for pageant practice bonnie and me are
09:41singing the big duet fat ass left me here again
09:45so did you steal the recipe from those hicks yet no i've had some car trouble to deal with
09:55yeah the people here are actually very nice look forget about those hillbillies you're taking too
10:00long i'm starting to wonder if you're truly ceo material oh mr pewter schmidt i i assure you i am
10:06well i'm tired of waiting i want you to steal the aunt maude recipe during the big christmas pageant
10:11everyone in town will be there and peter will be away from the pie shop it's the perfect chance to
10:16steal that recipe put aunt maude's out of business and bankrupt that whole stupid town a whole town
10:22but but you just wanted the pie recipe i changed my mind you should too if you want to be ceo
10:27now get that recipe yes mr pewter schmidt okay talk tomorrow bye
10:31which button did i did i hang up no you're still on let's see
10:39oh now the flashlight's on okay there we go i hung up you're still talking to me
10:44oh you know you sound like that guy in that movie about the taxi driver you mean taxi driver
10:49no the one with jimmy fallon and queen latifah you mean taxi yeah that one god i love that movie
10:54you know a movie's good when both leads kind of stop acting after
10:57bonnie and peter thank you so much for having me for dinner
11:04you have a lovely home you can spit anywhere by the way we're not uptight about that kind of stuff
11:09you missed your court date and now i'm an amber alert the whole class news i've been getting texts
11:15all morning now we first need to say grace dear lord thank you for all that you do but please stop
11:21sending grandma to us in the form of hummingbirds and sunsets we're glad she's dead and don't want
11:27to see her you swing a bat like a girl leave me alone somebody give her a cigarette so she goes
11:32away i'll see you at easter
11:35what the hell is that oh that's our meth son meth son yeah we're real proud of him for recovering
11:45no he's all state meth first meth tri-state meth regionals he's got a full ride at southern meth
11:50chris come say hi to the company how you doing pal my nose fell off and so did this thing
11:57is that your penis yeah i gotta imagine it'll grow back anyway keep training you got a big meth meat
12:04coming up he's a good kid what about you lois how many kids you blasted out oh none your uterus busted
12:11no i'm just focused on my career oh yeah bonnie and me do it in the career a lot too that's why we
12:16ain't got no more kids oh sweetie lois has a job and a fancy car and big city clothes i don't
12:24understand you could go anywhere in the world sarasota galveston branson why here oh well i
12:31just wanted to take a break from high speed internet
12:34the dog smells food damn it peter don't let him in here i hate dogs and characters who hate pets are
12:44always the most sympathetic come here boy give me a good country dog shake
12:48good boy now go poop everywhere you're not coming with me oh not this time i got company
12:55hey lois i brought a pie especially for you i made it for a wedding but then i found out it was
13:04two grooms so you know no way lois have sex with pie guy and steal aunt maude recipe why did you skip
13:17that first part and what peter what what are you doing in my room lois what's going on are you trying
13:26to steal my pie recipe no yes oh peter i'm so sorry so this whole time our love was fake like
13:37covid um what don't follow me i need to go someplace and cough for a while okay i won't i thought i
13:44smelled a rat but i actually can't smell anything i tell you this has left a real nothing taste in my
13:50mouth i think you might have covid liar
13:52peter i can't lie to you i worked a big pie and was sent to steal your recipe
14:06i didn't know that i would fall in love with you i'm so sorry and send
14:13one gee how do you even send a text in this town
14:20may i help you i'm here to send your text i need your phone i'll have it back to you in two hours
14:29oh okay
14:30damn it roller bag i'm in no mood for your nonsense
14:43are you okay oh i've been better wait you're andy mcdowell it's mama andy mcdowell in this movie
14:52i used to get lead roles in big movies but now just minor parts in these hallmark movies because
14:58old people remember me of course i am a big fan unless you're not actually doing the voice because
15:04you turned us down you look distraught are you okay oh mama mcdowell i think i just made the biggest
15:11mistake of my life i let my career ambitions drive away the most wonderful man i've ever met
15:17but it's always been my dream to be ceo of big pie it's hard to let that go i see the way peter
15:24makes you smile you and peter have something very special true love that's more precious than any job
15:32and it's worth fighting for
15:34oh mama mcdowell you're right peter is the most wonderful man i've ever met i can't let him go
15:44now if you'll excuse me i gotta go deploy a butt torpedo from the ss brownfish
15:50ah must have turned us down i've gotta win back peter
15:54hey guys remember that cameraman who was talking about unionizing this production
16:07where did he go
16:08hey miss you need a lift
16:11no i'm sorry this scene can't be cut
16:14kind of weird we're doing a christmas pageant in the shadow of a civil war memorial
16:21dedicated to the brave men of townsville who lost their lives fighting to preserve our traditions
16:27traditions what what are they saying there have you seen barney the whole town is here to see us
16:33perform our big christmas duet barney called she's fallen ill and can't perform
16:38what are we gonna do that's the highlight of christmas it's where i met my wife
16:44that's right i'm married to a woman in the hallmark universe
16:48we'll have to cancel the christmas concert the town will be devastated until our valentine's day movie
16:54i'll do it
16:55lois
16:57no i never want to see you again
17:03okay peter fair enough
17:06wait you don't have to see me if we sing back to back
17:11then our bums will touch and i'll forget the words
17:14well that's a risk we have to take to save christmas
17:18oh the weather outside is frightful
17:24delightful
17:27oh peter you do love me
17:30of course i do
17:31i have since the moment i met you yesterday
17:33and since we've no place to go
17:37i was looking at your boobs that time
17:43lois
17:55there's something i've wanted to ask you since the moment we met
17:58peter are you serious
18:00i never thought i could love again after my wife died
18:04she's here with me right now
18:06yes she got new glasses but seriously that can't be why you don't recognize her
18:09oh peter
18:11oh crap i gotta take this
18:14hello
18:15girl
18:16carter's been fired from big pie
18:19and guess who they want to be ceo
18:21what you mean me
18:23are you serious
18:24a hundred thousand dollars a year
18:27well that's a lot of money for people who watch these movies
18:30i could never stand between you and your dream of a six-figure salary
18:38five figures post-tax
18:40in a shockingly expensive city
18:42with high crime
18:43but i know you'll be a big success
18:45until you're punched in the face
18:46or shoved on a subway track
18:48what's your take on our new slate of pies
18:55market testing was favorable
18:57so let's fast track it and launch a campaign hitting digital print and tv
19:01what do you guys think
19:02brilliant move lois
19:03home run
19:04okay next item
19:05new pie flavor rollouts
19:07what do we got
19:08we got pecan
19:09butterscotch
19:10cherry
19:10meringue
19:11apple
19:12rhubarb
19:13pumpkin
19:13keyline
19:14i miss you lois
19:18oh i miss you too peter
19:21did you know no two snowflakes are alike
19:23yes everyone knows that
19:25all right fine
19:26donna
19:30glenn
19:31i left my heart in townsville
19:33also i thought the mets would be better but they're just garbage
19:37you go queen
19:40lolis
19:52lolis
20:05peter
20:11these last few days
20:13i realized you may be a simple small town mechanic
20:17with a small town job and salary
20:19but dot dot dot
20:21some things are more important
20:23i've decided i'm willing to walk away from glamour
20:27and a high-flying career
20:29to spend the rest of my life with my very special
20:32average guy i love
20:35named peter
20:36thank you for that
20:41um
20:42it's just
20:43small towns are extremely ada non-compliant
20:47being one issue
20:48it's just
20:48it's just
20:49it's just a lot
20:51is all i'm saying
20:52hello blue states
21:07hallmark said i could show you
21:09and just you
21:10a scene i was in that was cut for time
21:13i hope you enjoy it
21:14more that way
21:16little more
21:17boom shizzle
21:19oh that's dope as hell
21:22i think that looks lovely
21:25hallmark
21:26if we scare any heavy white women
21:28our whole business collapses
21:29oh
21:37and
21:38oh
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