Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 07 Pitch Imperfect
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#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
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00:01It seems today that all you see
00:04Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:11On which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy
00:17Lucky is a man who wants to give his hand
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:24He's a family guy
00:39Oh, it was nice of the brewery to host this Oktoberfest
00:42Yeah, they wanted to support the community
00:44And hopefully win back some of the market share they lost to Fentanyl
00:47Those come in rainbow now
00:49Yeah, I reposted an article about that on Facebook
00:51And said FYI
00:53So I basically saved the children
00:55This festival's kinda weird
00:57How did Germans even come up with Oktoberfest?
00:59So guys, turns out everybody hates us for all our world wars, etc
01:03We need to do something that shows we are fun and silly and not human exterminators
01:08What about beer pretzels and horns that go oompa oompa?
01:12That's good, very good
01:13Yes, that and little square mustaches because-
01:17No more mustaches!
01:19Meg, check it out! A make-your-own-sausage station!
01:23Are you supposed to be touching that?
01:25They look like little poops
01:27You must make me whole again!
01:33Never mind! This is my destiny!
01:37Hey look, a chiropractor! I could actually use an adjustment
01:43Oh, let's see how you turn this into a brag
01:45I hurt my back reading screenplays for a competition
01:48Finish the sentence
01:49That I paid to be a judge in
01:51There you go
01:52Hello?
01:53Cha-ching! I mean, hello!
01:55Would you guys like an adjustment?
01:56I'll take one
01:57Not me, I think you're a quack
01:59I also do colonic irrigation therapy
02:01I'll take a pamphlet
02:03This head hole smells like spit
02:06Don't worry, I always give it one lazy wipe between patients
02:10Now I'm gonna ask you some questions I can steer into any direction I need
02:14Do you ever feel tired?
02:15I do
02:16And if you go a few hours between meals, do you ever feel like you need to eat again?
02:20Yeah, like every day
02:21That's a big problem nowadays
02:23I have some very expensive supplements that'll help
02:27Whoa, that feels great
02:29Yeah, that good feeling will last right until you get into your car
02:33Here's your bill
02:34Seven hundred dollars?
02:36That covers the consultation, evaluation, diagnosis, adjustments, supplements, and a fart surcharge
02:42I didn't fart
02:43You did, people always do
02:45Or maybe I did
02:46Either way, I'll just bill it to your insurance
02:48Man, I can't believe it
02:49Oh, there it is
02:50Told ya!
02:51Do you see how much that chiropractor charged?
02:53I could do the same thing he did
02:54You could, and that's not a compliment
02:56His degree was from a Margaritaville
02:59Should... should we become chiropractors?
03:01Already on it
03:02Siri, how do I become a chiropractor?
03:04Do you want to be a doctor, but don't like to read books?
03:07Yes
03:08Congratulations, you are now a chiropractor
03:11Mailing certification and teeth whitening kit now
03:14Oh, that was easy
03:15Yeah, thank God
03:16I needed a new job
03:17And it was either this or become a family photographer
03:20Is your son just the cutest?
03:22And are you eager to capture that precious sliver of time?
03:25Well, at Sun in Front of a Tree Photography
03:27We capture these memories for you
03:29By photographing your son in front of a tree in a park that's close to my house
03:33Put him in a shirt that he hates and watch him lean, climb, or sit in front of a tree
03:37Hold his arms as he jumps into the air in front of a tree
03:41Sure, he bit you for making him take off his Spider-Man shoes
03:44But wait until you see this photo of him resting on his hands in front of a tree
03:48We'll even take one of the parents in front of the tree
03:51Because at Sun in Front of a Tree Photography
03:53We capture memories that'll last a lifetime
03:56And years later, when that same son is forced out of college for a team hazing scandal
04:01You'll look at the photos of your son in front of a tree
04:03And wonder if that monster was always inside him
04:06Yeah, probably
04:07He bit you for taking off his shoes
04:09Call today
04:10May not ever receive photos
04:15God, the prizes of these things are such junk
04:17I want one! Peter, win me a toy
04:20What? Why?
04:21Cause I'm New England lady drunk
04:23Either you and me are stupid stuffed something
04:25Or I'm gonna start naming ex-boyfriends who woulda
04:28Great, everybody get ready to hear who made first team all dirtbag
04:31Tom Hambly woulda had me double fisting highly flammable bootleg Spongebob's by now
04:36Yeah, didn't he also whip it out to your mom before your prom?
04:39He said he mistimed how far away he was from our hallway bathroom
04:43Just throw the ball
04:44I would, but my elbow's acting up
04:46Old injury from the late night wars
04:48I'll win you one of them things, Lois
04:50Oh no, it's Mikey Badshaw
04:52Lois' ex-boyfriend with shamrock tattoos on both calves
04:55You're allowed here?
04:56Yeah, there ain't no schools close
04:58Then I guess it's your move, Peter
05:00This is really testing me
05:02I wonder what my old karate sensei would want me to do
05:05Take your sneakers off, Peter
05:07You can't wear them on the mats
05:08But they light up, sensei
05:10Put them in the cubbies
05:11Geez, every class with this clown
05:13He throws like a girl!
05:26People don't say that anymore, dude
05:28The correct term is he throws like a Chalamet, probably
05:31And on behalf of everyone at Channel 5, we'd like to apologize for the pornography that aired during our cooking segment
05:43There are a lot of very funny people who are good at computers and we can't stop them
05:47Alright, who's ready for the last of us?
05:49I love zombie shows about shrub overgrowth
05:52Chris, move! You're sitting in my spot!
05:54Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sitting wherever I want from now on, Chief
05:58What? Where am I supposed to sit?
06:00Kinda not my problem, Chief
06:02Did you just double-chief me?
06:03That's right, Chief
06:04Triple? Is this cause it a throw?
06:06Well, technically it didn't qualify as a throw
06:08It fell somewhere between a roll and a...
06:12Come on, barely anybody's shot at
06:13I'm sure it'll all blow over
06:15And now in ha-ha, look at this guy news
06:17Ha-ha, look at this guy
06:22Ah, rats
06:23If that isn't an indication of how poorly someone's penis works, I don't know what is
06:28Is this my fault, Peter? Is it cause I made you watch Ted Lasso?
06:31You know, maybe sports shows should be about sports instead of feelings
06:35Look, it's not that big a deal
06:36It is, though
06:38I always knew you were overweight, but I thought you were at least athletic fat
06:42I told people you were a good fat, like an avocado
06:45Now I don't know what you are
06:47Okay, I see that I don't have the support of my family on this
06:50But at least I have my friends
06:52I'm gonna see if they want to meet at the Clam
06:55They said they're busy
06:56I see GIFs of people without genitals
06:59That means busy
07:00Does this mean you're a beta dad now?
07:02No, Chris, but I want you to know that I heard you
07:05Your feelings are valid
07:07And thank you
07:08Oh, God, I am!
07:09Now I'm gonna have to hang out at the beta dad headquarters
07:12The farmer's market
07:14This isn't spicy, is it?
07:15No, sir, it's a strawberry
07:17I better not
07:18I can't do spicy
07:19I can't believe you guys got this business started so quickly
07:26Yeah, we found the perfect spot with zero available parking
07:29And the rest just fell into place
07:30Chris, do you know what the most important part of working in a busy doctor's office is?
07:34The patients?
07:35The patients?
07:36Nope
07:37Taking care of the tropical fish that's impossible to take care of
07:40Why is it swimming upside down?
07:42I don't know, sometimes it sinks, sometimes it floats, and sometimes it does that
07:45All are bad
07:46There's a number taped to the desk
07:48That's Eric, our tropical fish guy
07:49He's gonna be your best friend
07:51Call him whenever it does anything
07:52Do everything Eric says
07:54None of it will work, but trust me, he's the best
07:56Then flip back over
07:57Why are you telling me?
07:58Tell Eric
08:03Remember, Peter
08:04It's not drinking alone as long as you have Popsicle Peter with you
08:07Help!
08:08He only uses me to scratch his icky parts
08:10Shut up and get to work in there
08:13Uh oh, look who's here
08:14What the hell?
08:15You guys said you had plans, but you're here drinking?
08:17And you're on my spot, Cleveland
08:19Yep
08:20Think I'm gonna be sitting wherever I want from now on, Chief
08:23Sorry, we didn't want people thinking we were noodle-armed by association
08:26Yeah, my arms are literally all I have
08:29How do you not know how to throw?
08:31I never learned
08:32My dad was always working when I was a kid
08:34And when he'd get home, he always said he had a headache
08:37That was back before everyone carried metal water bottles
08:40So no one drank water and all adults had headaches
08:43My only friends were day raccoons, who were the most social of all raccoons
08:47They're the ones who taught me how to throw
08:49So that's why I throw bad for a guy, but really good for a raccoon
08:52Is all that true?
08:56I don't know, I've had several cases of rabies, so memories are hard for me
08:59All I know is that I've spent the rest of my life avoiding scenarios where I gotta throw
09:03Didn't you go to Red Sox fantasy camp?
09:06And I swear I've seen you having a catch with Chris out on your front lawn
09:09Yeah, that was my stunt double
09:10He's the fat guy who dresses up like me at Comic Con
09:13He wants to interview me as me, and I'm just like, dude, no
09:16Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?
09:19That depends, are you classlessly serving a legal document for Jason Sudeikis?
09:23No, I do promotions for a local minor league team, the Quahog Blowholes
09:27Ah, yes, then I'm Peter
09:28I wanted to invite you to throw out a ceremonial first pitch this weekend
09:32What?
09:33You know he can't throw, right?
09:34Yes, that's why we want him
09:36Minor league baseball needs gimmicks to attract fans
09:38You guys remember the story about that chimpanzee umpire?
09:41The one where eight of all them fairs faces?
09:43Yep, that was me
09:45Anyway, we think you'd make the perfect gimmick, Peter
09:48I'll do it
09:49What?
09:50You're gonna embarrass yourself again, this time on a bigger stage
09:53So, did Batgirl just give up when everyone said her movie stunk?
09:57Ah, yes, very publicly, yes
09:58Oh
09:59Well, I'm not Batgirl
10:01I'm gonna throw out that first pitch, and it's gonna be a perfect strike
10:04I love confident idiots, it's why I bought a Tesla
10:07See you this weekend
10:08What are you doing?
10:09You can't just learn how to throw in a couple days
10:12Hey, anything is possible
10:14Stanley Tucci's a sex symbol now
10:16You ever watch a guy with a bald head and super hairy arms cook zucchini?
10:22Oh, yeah
10:23You like this apron?
10:25It's a women's medium, and it comes off real easy
10:28Grrrr, Tucci!
10:31Wow, you are so tight!
10:36Do you sit a lot?
10:37Sitting's the silent killer
10:38No, I stand quite often
10:40And that's your problem right there, standing's the silent killer
10:43I actually mix it up pretty good
10:45Variety, the silent killer
10:47I can't believe how well this is going, Brian
10:50Please, call me Dr. B
10:52Doctor? Then one initial?
10:54We must be doing very well
10:55Permission to speak like a human fist bump?
10:57Granted
10:58We are passing go
10:59We are collecting $200
11:01We are crushing!
11:03Yeah, you have a couple of energy drinks today there, Dr. B?
11:07Had a few no-breakfast monsters, yep
11:09Eyes a little shaky
11:10Feeling a little, uh, scared
11:12Alright, yeah, you go take a walk
11:14I'll take the next patient
11:15Chris, who's next?
11:17Chris?
11:20What the hell?
11:21Chris opened his own office?
11:23Hey, Dr. S, my ears are still kinda ringing from that adjustment
11:27You said you drank a soda once, right?
11:29Sugar, the silent killer
11:33I guess I'm always just gonna be one of those guys who throws like a girl
11:44Gah!
11:45You wish you threw like a girl
11:47Meg?
11:48You're gonna throw out that first pitch, Dad
11:51And I'm gonna teach you
11:52Ha ha ha ha ha!
11:53Much laughter and exaggerated scenarios ahead
11:56This joke was written by A.I. while the writers were on strike
12:03Hey, listen, thanks for teaching me how to throw, but why are you helping me?
12:08Because you're my dad
12:09And also because your last display was really embarrassing
12:12I just didn't know you were so good at sports, Meg
12:14Are you serious?
12:16I won a state championship with my basketball team
12:19I-I went to the Olympics in Korea
12:21Yeah, I don't-I don't watch the Meg episodes
12:23So you don't know anything about me?
12:25Yeah, I gotta be honest, I got a lot of passwords to remember
12:27So I'm-I'm always cycling through those
12:30Don't mind me just grabbing my cigarettes from their elaborate hiding spot
12:34Did you know Meg played sports?
12:36Oh yeah?
12:37When?
12:38Ugh!
12:39Like my whole life
12:40There's trophies in my room
12:42Cool, good for you
12:44That's a relief
12:48I put the magnesium in the bag
12:50Start with two before bed
12:52And if your stomach tolerates it, go to three
12:54Thanks, Dr. C
12:55You know your fish is swimming upside down, right?
12:58Yeah, it's a water temperature thing, I think
13:01I hope
13:03What the hell, Chris?
13:04You stole our clients!
13:05So what?
13:06A lot of those people came to you with real problems
13:09And you just exploited them for money
13:11Yeah, that's the whole chiropractic model
13:13Well, I figured I could actually help them
13:15And take their money
13:16What do you even know about being a chiropractor?
13:18Well, enough to look at your posture and know that you sit for a living
13:22Oh, damn, he's good
13:24Look, I know you guys are upset
13:26Yes, we are competitors
13:28But if you really think about it, you'll see that our stories are the same
13:32Because we're both trying to
13:34Help people!
13:36There!
13:37Now your legs are even
13:39Whoa!
13:40How'd you do that?
13:41By caring
13:42That's the one thing you can't fake
13:44Good luck, guys
13:45Chris is chiropractic, how may I health you?
13:49Oh, hi, Eric
13:51Yeah, it's upside down again
13:53Dude, I did all that
13:59Okay, Dad, I thought one way to get you throwing would be to get tips from one of the best pitchers of all time
14:04Roger Clemens
14:07Hi, Peter
14:08Wow, I can't believe the rocket is gonna help me
14:11The first thing you're gonna do is grip the ball like this
14:14Okay, cool
14:15Then you're gonna wanna find the right place on your ass to inject yourself, allegedly
14:19What?
14:20If I did this while I was playing, I would've shoved it right through my thick Texas jeans
14:24But I did not do this while I was playing
14:26Can we go back to the gracket?
14:28Then when you're done, make sure to discard your needles safely
14:31If I had ever done this, which I did not
14:34I would've discarded them in the top drawer of my wife's dresser in between her underwear and necklaces
14:40Or her gym bag, allegedly
14:42Any place that isn't yours and is hers works
14:45Your forehead vein is pulsing
14:47That's what veins do, you nimrod
14:49Now we wait
14:50Then once you bite through your own tooth, you know you're ready to pitch
14:54Let's bean some Orioles
15:00So I was talking to Mom, and she told me that part of your problem might be performance anxiety
15:10Yeah, what context was this brought up in?
15:12The one you're thinking
15:13The one you're thinking
15:14She said sometimes watching someone else do it first helps
15:17So, I invited Cleveland over to do it with Mom while you watch from the stool
15:25Ow!
15:26Want me to slow it down?
15:27Oh, don't you dare
15:29I can take harder
15:31Oh, yeah
15:32Damn, you know how to catch it, girl
15:34Yeah, thank you
15:35Oh, keep it going
15:36Both of you are gonna slip me in half
15:37Catch it with your leg out
15:38You wanna hop in, Pete?
15:39No!
15:40He goes last when my mitt's the loosest
15:41You okay, Dad?
15:43No
15:44I never figured my life would end up like this when I was getting my picture taken in front of that tree
15:49Sun in front of a tree photography
15:51No one would ever guess your boy would grow up to be a world-class cuck
15:55Why are we sitting on the field?
15:58Because
15:59I think your biggest hurdle might be your mind
16:01I read that some pitchers have thrown their best games while on LSD
16:05So let's do LSD
16:06Yeah, okay
16:08Yeah, okay
16:09We had empty stomachs, so the drugs kicked in pretty quick
16:15I never learned to throw that day, but we got scared by a faucet and pooped ourselves in an Exxon station
16:21I saw my whole life's timeline that afternoon and it was beautiful
16:25Now it's my 92nd birthday and I'm on a sailboat about to drink a CVS brand euthanasia cocktail
16:30If you compare it to the name brand euthanasia cocktails, it's the same ingredients for half the cost
16:35In the future, we all die dignified deaths on sailboats
16:42So that's why we guarantee that our cracks are 30% louder than that whack job next door
16:47How do you measure that?
16:48With doctor things, let's start
16:53Wow, that was your C4 vertebra
16:57Ah, that was your LMNOP
16:58Take your time getting up
16:59If you feel dizzy, it's probably from the vaccine
17:01Chiropractors, show me one who's vaccinated
17:07No, we don't validate parking, but if you buy a coffee down the block, they will
17:12Dr. B
17:13Dr. S
17:14Dr. C
17:16Saw you put a pink salt lamp in your window
17:18Guess you're dabbling in witchcraft now?
17:20Nope
17:21Just good air quality
17:23I heard you're still not paying for Pandora Premium
17:26So your music has commercials
17:28That sounds relaxing
17:30Relaxing enough to be fully booked this weekend
17:33Except for the lady who cancelled because Brian followed her on Instagram right after her appointment
17:37Client outreach fail
17:40Hi, we're from the Department of Health and Human Services
17:43We've been asked to investigate your businesses for medical and insurance fraud
17:47We can go in and grab your files or you can grab them for us
17:50Quick quesh, do you guys have agents on the backside of the building?
17:53We do
17:54Ah, a perimeter
17:55Good
17:56How'd you catch us?
17:57The same thing that gets every chiropractor
17:59The inflated phony charges and the sports cars with vanity license plates
18:05Figured you were either chiros or drug dealers
18:08We'll give you five minutes to collect your tropical fish
18:09Oh, those are long dead
18:16I know you're nervous, Dad
18:17But you can do this
18:19No, it's not that
18:20Do you think I have to shower with the team afterwards?
18:22You need to focus, Dad
18:24Look at me!
18:25When you step out there
18:26It's just you, the ball
18:28And 2,000 people who are counting on you to fail
18:31And if there's one thing I know about being your daughter
18:34It's that when someone's counting on you
18:37You always let them down
18:39So are you gonna give them what they want?
18:41Or are you gonna go out there and disappoint them?
18:44I only know one way
18:45And now, to throw out our ceremonial first pitch
18:49Please welcome to the field
18:51Peter, never heard of Taylor Swift, Griffin
18:55Oh?
18:57Good luck, see you in the showers
18:59Individual stalls with smoke glass doors?
19:02Nope, big echoey 1960s Johnson danglers
19:04Good luck, Johnson danglers
19:34I can't believe it, I threw a passable strike
19:35You're the only one who believed in me, Meg
19:37I can't believe it, I threw a passable strike
19:38You're the only one who believed in me, Meg
19:40Z-Rag!
19:50Damn it!
19:52Woo! He did it!
19:54Ow!
19:57I can't believe it!
19:58I threw a passable strike!
20:00You're the only one who believed in me, Meg.
20:05Are you okay?
20:07Your arm is backwards and feels very hot.
20:09Good job, Peter.
20:10I guess you don't throw like a girl anymore.
20:12No.
20:13That's exactly what I throw like.
20:15Time for a victory lap.
20:17Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
20:20Is that how he really runs?
20:22I'll, uh...
20:23We'll work on that.
20:26A lot of people remembered my pitch that day.
20:29I'll remember it as the last day it was called Quahog Stadium.
20:33The next day, they changed the name to Pornhub Field.
20:36Called the team The Jacks.
20:39People say America's changed, but I still think it's pretty great.
20:46Where do you think you're going, Griffin?
20:56No one leaves without hitting the showers first.
20:58Can I wear my gym shorts?
21:00No! We gotta see it!
21:02That's baseball.
21:09That's baseball.
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