Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 05 The Chicken or the Meg
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00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy.
00:18Lucky is a man who wants to give and can do all the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:24He's a family guy.
00:30Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
00:36The hot new reality dating show, Sex Farm, is coming to Quahog.
00:40Contestants conceal their identities by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.
00:45Auditions are being held all week at the long, empty Miramax offices downtown.
00:50Imagine naming a company after your mother and then molesting everyone who comes in.
00:54Auditions? Maybe I can meet my person.
00:57Your person? Oh, is your person a good human?
01:01You're gonna post your engagement ring with, so this just happened?
01:04You're gonna hashtag van life? You're gonna get murdered in Florida?
01:08No one's gonna look for you, you basic white bitch.
01:10This is gonna be awesome. I'm gonna try out.
01:13Well, good luck. I hope your reality show goes better than mine did.
01:16This season on Alone, 12 contestants will be dropped in the wilderness.
01:21Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:24Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:26Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:28I didn't even make it to the ground.
01:30Thank you for coming in today, Meg.
01:36We're excited to see if you have what it takes to be on sex farm.
01:40Thanks. So, is there anything I need to do for this audition?
01:43No. Most of modern auditions is just us going through all your old tweets
01:46to see if there are any racist or homophobic slurs.
01:50Now, I see you've never retweeted Bo and Yang.
01:54Why?
01:54I see that I was wrong, and I now understand comedy is mostly about getting angry at funny things.
02:00No, no, I need to see that.
02:02I'm so excited.
02:03You're in.
02:07This season on Sex Farm, we're in Quahog, Rhode Island,
02:10with an all-new cast of horny livestock.
02:15What's going on, guys?
02:16It's me, Cory, from Cory's World.
02:18After being virally ambushed while screaming at my stepmom in a Walmart,
02:22I've taken a demotion from YouTube to network television,
02:26and I am totally less profitably stoked to be your host tonight.
02:30on Sex Farm.
02:31Let's get to know these filthy animals.
02:35No middle-aged spinster here.
02:37I'm just a frisky little pussycat.
02:42I'm here because sleeping in a barn is preferable to an unfurled wrestling mat.
02:47I'm ready to swine and dine.
02:49Oink, oink, boink, boink.
02:51Oink, oink, oink.
02:53Yuck.
02:54The herd will decide who stays to continue their journey for love
02:57and who gets put out to pasture.
03:00All part of the barn dance here on Sex Farm,
03:03where our pronouns are ye and haw.
03:06I don't get that.
03:16Hey there.
03:17Nice ass.
03:19I'm wondering if you're down for some porking.
03:21Oh my, that's going right at it, isn't it?
03:24Sorry, little piggy.
03:25I think youse is slopping at the wrong trough.
03:28Oh, uh, sorry.
03:31Oh, hey there.
03:32Nice ass.
03:33I'm wondering if you're down for some porking.
03:35I had to take 80 milligrams of Thorazine
03:37because I'm having a claustrophobic freakout in here.
03:41So, pass.
03:49Wow, you really packed out away in a hurry.
03:52Thanks.
03:53I may be dressed like a pig,
03:54but I have two stomachs like a cow.
03:56Oh, you're funny.
03:58It's not really a joke.
03:59I'm not expected to lift past 40.
04:01Looks like I made it just under the wire.
04:03I'm only 18.
04:05Oh, your Liberty Mutual tote bag threw me off.
04:07It's how I carry my loose fruit.
04:09I like you.
04:10You don't try very hard.
04:12Oh, I'm trying very hard.
04:17What's going on, guys?
04:19It's your boy, Corey.
04:20Be sure to check me out on Cameo.
04:21The producer said I couldn't mention it,
04:23but I'm betting they don't even watch the show.
04:25So, a big part of finding love on the farm
04:28is having our contestants go on dates
04:30and then be surprised by a musical act
04:32you've never heard of.
04:33I couldn't believe it.
04:35We walked around the corner,
04:36and there was Barton James.
04:40Won't you hold my hand?
04:43Oh, my God.
04:44I love this song.
04:45I understand.
04:48Barton James and a girl in a pig mask?
04:51Yeah, it was a pretty good day.
04:53Check it out, guys.
04:57Barton James' new album, Country Girl,
04:59is now available exclusively on Deezer.
05:02We had to say that or he wouldn't show up.
05:04Devout Christian Barton James was unvaccinated
05:06and a general pain in the ass to deal with.
05:11What's going on, guys?
05:12Dates have ended,
05:13and it's almost time to find out
05:15who's got the heat
05:16and who's being turned into meat.
05:18Fan favorite, the cow,
05:19is recovering nicely from his panic attack
05:21at Group Coop.
05:22I don't really care if I fall in love.
05:24I just need to be done with this show,
05:26like, as soon as possible.
05:28I haven't taken a normal breath in...
05:30Three days.
05:33Guys, if you or someone you know
05:35is struggling with anxiety or depression,
05:38go to sexfarm-bummedout.com.
05:41Wildcard's pig and chicken
05:43really hit it off at the group feces bath.
05:45Let's see if their connection continues
05:46on their mandatory reality show helicopter ride.
05:50I really like spending time with you.
06:01You're so spontaneous.
06:02I really like you, too.
06:04And I'm sorry for that fart you're gonna smell.
06:07I knew you wouldn't hear it,
06:08but I didn't think it was gonna be
06:09as bad as it was.
06:11I actually did hear it,
06:13and I think I might be falling in love with you.
06:15Hey, guys!
06:19What was the one rule I had?
06:22No farting in the helicopter.
06:23No farting in the helicopter.
06:25I killed Bin Laden.
06:27Now I'm doing this.
06:28Before we find out which couple
06:34will be the first put out to pasture,
06:36we're gonna put up a QR code
06:37that's a direct link to Deezer,
06:39where you can hear Bart and James' duet
06:41with Kyle Rittenhouse.
06:44And the first eliminated couple is...
06:46Pig and Chicken.
06:53Which means fan-favorite cow remains on the farm.
06:56I told Producer Josh I desperately want to go home.
07:00Pig and Chicken, turn in your hay
07:02and head to the slaughterhouse.
07:03Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you down.
07:16And I'm sorry I embarrassed you
07:17in front of Bethany Frankel.
07:19That was Bethany Frankel?
07:20I thought it was a scarecrow.
07:22Well, the crows were scared.
07:24Is she gone?
07:26I don't know.
07:27I mean, I want the corn,
07:28but I don't want to have to hear
07:28about how much trouble she's having dating.
07:31Well, I guess this is it.
07:33It was nice while it lasted.
07:37Wait! Pig!
07:38Yes?
07:39I don't even know your name.
07:41I'm Meg.
07:43I'm just worried you won't be as attracted to me
07:45when I take this off.
07:46You're dressed like a pig.
07:48I'll take my chances.
07:52I was right.
07:54You are prettier than a pig.
07:56Your turn.
07:57And I don't care what you look like under that mask.
07:59That's good because...
08:01I'm a chicken.
08:03My name is Nugget.
08:14Wait a minute.
08:15You're not related to the giant chicken, are you?
08:17He's my dad.
08:19What is it, Peter?
08:24I forgot to go to college.
08:25Oh, Meg, there you are.
08:32Sound.
08:33We're watching Sex Farm.
08:34Have you seen it?
08:35Mom, I was on it.
08:37I was the pig.
08:38What?
08:39Yeah, I don't remember that either.
08:40But check it out.
08:41The cow escaped,
08:42and then a fan vote brought him back.
08:44They caught him hiding
08:45on one of those Chick-fil-A billboards.
08:47Once again, please stop voting for me.
08:50This is a cry for help.
08:51I swear to God, I'll jump.
08:53That guy is so funny.
08:54I'm going to vote for him a hundred times.
08:56Well, have fun.
08:57Where are you going all dolled up?
09:00What?
09:00Oh, that is not offensive to dolls.
09:02Stop trying to make yourself angry.
09:05I have a date.
09:05With who?
09:07Um, nobody, no.
09:08See you later.
09:09She's dating again?
09:11Whatever happened to that illusionist
09:13she was seeing?
09:14I never left, Peter.
09:16Wow.
09:17Wait, why are you still here?
09:18Well, I'm an illusionist,
09:20so I'm either homeless
09:21or I have a $100 million residency
09:23in Las Vegas.
09:24Oh, my God.
09:25The cow is really going to jump.
09:27You made me do this.
09:28This is on you, Producer Josh.
09:30I'm all right.
09:33I landed just so.
09:38It's so cool learning about your world.
09:41So, okay, tell me this.
09:42Is Colonel Sanders like your Adolf Hitler?
09:44No, the Colonel is an honest man.
09:46Our Adolf Hitler is Kenny Rogers
09:48with his stupid Kenny Rogers roasters.
09:51Kenny Rogers?
09:52The Gambler?
09:53No, not the Gambler.
09:55He was the narrator who met up with the Gambler
09:57and then shared things he had learned
09:59from the Gambler,
10:00but at no point was the Gambler.
10:02Well, all I know is that he looked like
10:04he was 40 from the time he was 20
10:06until the time he was 90.
10:07And died unable to close his eyes, yes.
10:10Now, how about that picnic?
10:13When a girl loves a chicken
10:17Can't keep her mind on nothing else
10:22She'd trade the world
10:24for the good things she's found
10:26When a girl loves a chicken
10:33I know exactly how she feels
10:42Oh, that was the best night's sleep
10:56I've had in ages
10:57I love you, Meg
10:59And not just because you have egg in your name
11:01I love you too, Nugget
11:03I want to keep seeing you
11:04But what if our dads find out?
11:06I guess we'll have to live a lie
11:07Like George Santos
11:09Hi, I'm gay, straight, Jewish, Nazi, George Santos
11:13And I approve this message
11:15Which is to say
11:15It's the worst thing that's happened to me
11:17since I died on 9-11
11:18Good morning, night
11:20This was written 18 months ago
11:21New lies not included
11:22Nugget, what are you doing here?
11:30I was in the neighborhood
11:31and thought we could Netflix and chill
11:33or Peacock and f***
11:34Peacock
11:35Somehow we don't have Seinfeld or friends
11:37and we can't show you the Cosby Show
11:39Hey, Meg, can you give me a hand
11:40clasping these Mr. T medallions?
11:42I have an event
11:43Who's your fine feathered friend?
11:45Dad, this is my boyfriend Nugget
11:47His father is the giant chicken
11:49That's it, young lady
11:52No Peacock for a month
11:53No Peacock?
11:55But where will I watch the Croods?
11:56That's not my problem
11:58Peacock
11:58I don't think we have the West Wing either
12:00Of all the chickens Meg could have chosen
12:07she had to choose that one
12:08Now Peter, you gotta back off
12:10My father never stopped berating me
12:12when I was dating you
12:13so as an act of defiance
12:14I married you just to spite him
12:16That seems irrelevant
12:17I don't know, Lois
12:19It feels like I've lost my daughter
12:20which means I have two sons
12:22If I'm lucky, they'll join the army
12:24and I'll be notified
12:25that they both died on the same day
12:26Your two sons died
12:39getting their heads shaved at orientation
12:41They didn't even make it to the barracks
12:43Oh, the cost of freedom!
12:46Here's a flag we didn't bother to fold
12:48I really want to thank you
12:54for inviting me to dinner
12:56Mr. and Mrs. Griffin
12:57Hey Nugget, you ever seen that video
12:58of Fabio getting hit in the face by a goose?
13:01It's hilarious
13:02Not for the goose
13:03She was killed
13:04Oh, then that's doubly funny
13:05Fabio's got a bloody nose
13:07and a bird is dead
13:08Mr. Griffin, that goose had a name
13:10It was Evelyn
13:11and she had 23 children
13:13Here, let me show you her GoFundMe page
13:15What's your guy's Wi-Fi password?
13:16It's chickens are scum
13:18and then 22 exclamation points
13:20It's on a bulletin board
13:21for when we Airbnb the house
13:23Peter, we are not Airbnb in the house
13:25Eh, it might be too late for that
13:27Hey, is there any soap in the upstairs bathroom?
13:30If you read the PDF
13:31it said you had to bring your own soap
13:32Well, I'll just use the shampoo with soap
13:34He's a medical student
13:36You know, you guys are being very rude to my boyfriend
13:39I love him
13:40I've had enough
13:41Meg, I'm giving you an old tomato
13:43and a final demand
13:45or statement of terms
13:46the rejection of which
13:47will result in retaliation
13:49or a permanent cessation of relations
13:50You either break up with him
13:52or you break up with me
13:53You can't date us both
13:55Dad, you and I aren't dating
13:56Oh, so you've made your choice then
13:58Well, I'd like my tomato back
14:00I'll pack my bags
14:03What bags?
14:05She literally owns nothing
14:06Guys, before I go
14:12I have one thing to say
14:13Is this a pause-the-last-of-us type of conversation
14:16or can I uh-huh my way through this?
14:18Peter, turn it off
14:19Uh-huh
14:19If you don't accept Nugget
14:21you don't accept me
14:22I'm moving in with him
14:23You know what the British are gonna call us?
14:26Megxit
14:26They're a clever little island
14:28Meg, please don't go
14:30You're my only daughter
14:31and I can't imagine living without you
14:33Plus, I need your vote
14:35to keep a Billy Bass out of our living room
14:36I'm sorry, Mom
14:37My decision has been made
14:39Goodbye
14:39Well, now seems like a good time
14:42to reopen the Billy Bass vote
14:44All in favor, say aye
14:45Aye
14:46All opposed?
14:47Nay
14:48Present
14:48Colored
14:49Billy Bass approved
14:50Billy, what do you think Meg's gonna say
14:54to the Uber driver?
14:56Take me to the river
14:58Drop me in the water
15:02Ah, we are thriving without Meg
15:04Is something wrong, Peter?
15:12You barely touched our food
15:13I heard from Bonnie
15:14that Meg moved out of the house
15:16and Lois could never breastfeed
15:17What?
15:18How'd you hear that?
15:19Oh, Bonnie subscribes to a service
15:21that alerts her
15:21any time another mom fails
15:23That's wild
15:24I know
15:25Donna gives Cleveland Jr.
15:27unlimited video game time
15:28but Peter
15:29isn't it weird
15:30with Meg out of the house?
15:31Nah, it's fine
15:32Although we got a lot more mice
15:34around the house now
15:35Mice?
15:35Yeah, Meg handled all our
15:37rodent problems
15:37She used to just squeeze them
15:39and pop their heads off
15:40All except one
15:41that she'd leave alive
15:42to run and go tell the story
15:43to the others
15:44Meg's a nice girl
15:45Yeah, when I remodeled my house
15:47Meg hauled away
15:47all the discarded insulation
15:49Don't know what she did with it
15:50Oh, yeah, Meg's great
15:51She sold me a ton of insulation
15:53super cheap
15:54Oh, my God
15:55You guys are right
15:55This one time
15:56Meg fell down the stairs
15:58and she broke her clavicle
16:00You guys
16:04I think I miss Meg
16:06What?
16:08Was there gonna be more
16:09to the story about the stairs?
16:10What do you say
16:11we go to the giant chicken's house
16:13and get my daughter back?
16:14I'm in
16:14Let's do it
16:15So the laughing was
16:16cause your daughter hurt herself?
16:18Honey, did you order
16:27a fat bag of crap?
16:29Stand aside
16:30I'm here to get my daughter back
16:31She's not coming with you
16:33She's perfectly happy here
16:34Are you sure?
16:35We can make this worth your while
16:37We're prepared to trade
16:38Brittany Griner
16:39Hey, stop trading me
16:40I just wanna play basketball
16:42And smoke weed, apparently
16:44I wasn't smoking it
16:45I was just carrying it
16:46Whatever, I'm still mad
16:48we traded for you
16:49instead of that other guy
16:50whose name I had never heard of
16:51and can no longer remember
16:52Yeah, the poor guy
16:54Bring him home
16:54whatever his name is
16:55Dad, what are you doing here?
16:58Meg, this nonsense has to stop
17:00You're a griffin
17:01and it's time to, uh
17:03Do your neighbors
17:05always have that bounce house?
17:06Or is it a special occasion?
17:08I really don't know
17:09Okay, yeah
17:10But Meg, I mean it
17:11We all miss you
17:12and oh, a heavy lady's
17:13rolling into it
17:14Probably the aunt
17:15who likes to have fun
17:16Wow, her face got red quick
17:18Dad, I told you
17:19Nugget and his family
17:20treat me better
17:21than you guys ever did
17:22and I won't be coming home
17:24Dad?
17:26It's an Iron Man house
17:27Okay, you know what?
17:29I think we need to regroup here
17:30We're sorry to have bothered you
17:32I squashed the boy
17:36Oh, come on
17:43Cheer up, Peter
17:43Look, the best thing to do
17:45to put all this Meg drummer
17:46behind us
17:46is a fun family activity
17:48that we can all do together
17:49You know, I was supposed
17:51to be here today anyway
17:52but then Tyler
17:53canceled his birthday party
17:54Ice cream sundae bar
17:56with Harry Bow brand
17:57gummy bears?
17:58Tyler!
17:59Tyler!
18:00Tyler!
18:01Hey, Ty
18:02Guess we got our wires crossed, huh?
18:08It was a numbers thing
18:09I think his parents
18:10made him invite
18:10the T-ball kids
18:11All right, Dad!
18:14Yeah!
18:14Woohoo!
18:15Yes!
18:16Huh
18:16I've lost my daughter
18:18Come on, gang
18:20Group selfie
18:21for the family Instagram account
18:23Everybody say seeds
18:25Seeds
18:27Griffin, what do you want?
18:34Um, I, uh
18:35Meg
18:36Do you have a flat dollar bill
18:38for the change machine?
18:39I wanted to play the arcades
18:41We don't play the arcades
18:42Nerds
18:43Because we have stand-up games
18:45in our basement rec room
18:46Aw
18:47Guess you'll just have to make do
18:49with your crinkled ones
18:50Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
19:20Honey, the scattered grain is delicious.
19:26You outdid yourself.
19:27Well, don't thank me.
19:28Thank the good people at Monsanto,
19:31who make delicious grain that's packed with antidepressants and steroids.
19:35I'm so glad you decided to come live with us, Meg.
19:38Me too.
19:39But I couldn't help feel a little sorry for my dad at the bowling alley.
19:42He bowled with the lane guards up.
19:44Without the jeopardy of a gutter ball, what is bowling?
19:48He just has his own way of doing things.
19:50Yeah, the wrong way.
19:52Honey?
19:52No, she knows.
19:54That's why she left.
19:54No, I left because I love your son, not because I hate my dad.
19:59Meg, either you hate your dad or you leave this house.
20:03An old tomato.
20:05You're just like him.
20:06What did you say?
20:08You're just like him.
20:17Wait, I can't hit you.
20:19You're a girl.
20:20Huh.
20:43Oh, Meg, I'm so happy you realized your place is here at home with your father.
20:47It really wasn't that.
20:49It's just, all my stuff is here.
20:50What stuff?
20:52Also, turns out Nugget's gay.
20:54I saw his text and it's all tiny cocks.
20:59Oh, Nugget, Nugget?
21:00You, you're a economist.
21:05Oh, Nugget.
21:07Oh, my God.
21:13Oh, my God.
21:16One, two, one.
21:18Oh, my God.
21:19Oh, man.
21:21Oh, man.
21:21Yeah, yeah.
21:22Oh, man.
21:22Oh, man.
21:23Oh, of God.
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