Family Guy - Season 23 Episode 14 Cool Hand Lois
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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Touching is a family guy.
00:18Lucky is a man who wants a kid who can do.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:39You know, say what you want about Quahog,
00:41but I am so impressed seeing all these donations from our very own community.
00:46I'm curious if our old VCR is getting any nibbles.
00:48Peter, don't bid on it!
00:50I want it back!
00:51Welcome everyone to the live auction portion of the evening.
00:54First up, a romantic vacation for two at a historic bed and breakfast along the coast.
01:00Oh, that actually sounds pretty nice.
01:02Peter, give me the paddle.
01:05200!
01:06Yes, 200 from someone's hot wife.
01:09250.
01:10250 from a slightly less attractive woman.
01:13Unless, of course, I hear 300.
01:17500.
01:18500 from Sidney Sweeney's twin sister.
01:21Do I hear six?
01:23Sold to Lois Griffin, whose husband just lost the silent auction for the VHS player.
01:31My lawnmower man tape is still in there.
01:33I can't believe I actually won!
01:35I have not felt a rush like this since I had exact change at the grocery store.
01:40That'll be 22.48.
01:42Oh, I think I have change.
01:44Uh, 40, 45.
01:45Oh my God!
01:46Exactly 48 cents!
01:48Can you believe that?
01:49Well, today must be my lucky day.
01:51Yeah, I'm gonna take this as my sign to stay open and say yes to everything.
01:55And would you like to round your purchase up for our Kids with Cancer charity?
01:59Oh God, no.
02:00No, no.
02:01I'm looking at that picture.
02:02I can't believe I won a trip!
02:07Did you see the offended look on Bonnie's face?
02:10Yep, got it locked and loaded.
02:11A real bed and breakfast.
02:13Peter, this trip is my one chance to relax and enjoy myself.
02:18I spend every day taking care of other people in this house and just once, just once, I wanna feel taken care of.
02:25Okay, Lois.
02:27What weekend should we go?
02:29Where's that now?
02:30To the bed and breakfast!
02:31Oh, no way I'm doing that!
02:33Not after our last romantic vacation!
02:35Sir, my condolences, but I wanted to let you know that Peter Mayhew, who originally played Chewbacca, has passed away.
02:43No!
02:44I'm so sorry, sir.
02:46Thank you, butler, who I bring on vacations just in case Peter Mayhew dies.
02:50It's been an honor, sir.
02:56I'm not paying him for the full week.
03:00Chris, I have your cli-
03:01When did you get a souvenir of the Washington Monument?
03:04No!
03:05Get out!
03:06Oh!
03:07Oh my God!
03:08Oh my God!
03:09What the hell, Chris?
03:10Can't you lock the door?
03:11Oh my God, I can't unsee that now.
03:13Well, think how I feel.
03:15Now I'm gonna need someone to walk in at that precise moment every time or it's not gonna work anymore!
03:19Put that on your chore list, mother!
03:24What's wrong, Mom?
03:25I just walked in on your brother.
03:28Oh my God, it's nine in the morning.
03:30What is wrong with boys?
03:31A girl would never do that.
03:33I don't know.
03:34Why do you think I slide down the banister to breakfast?
03:37Come on, Meg.
03:38Everyone knows women don't pleasure themselves.
03:40You seriously think that?
03:42Well, yeah.
03:43So are you saying when you use the bidet, you're facing forward?
03:46Of course.
03:47And when you ride a bike, you're just going out for exercise?
03:51Yeah.
03:52Look, all my free time just goes to taking care of other people and then lording it over them.
03:57Wow.
03:58Maybe that's why you're such a bitch all the time.
04:00What's that?
04:01I said you should totally try it.
04:02Pick the hottest guy you can think of and go to town.
04:05What's stopping you?
04:06I don't know.
04:07Maybe it has something to do with those films they used to show us in masturbation ed class.
04:12Samantha was alone and thought she might begin to know her body.
04:17Instead, she got to know her grave.
04:22I don't know, Meg.
04:24I'm not sure my subconscious will allow me to think about any man other than your father.
04:28But thanks anyway.
04:30You're a good daughter.
04:31I'm not that great.
04:32Oh, Denzel, yourself short.
04:34I'm just out of my depth here.
04:35I can learn to live with the Bardem.
04:38Well, Estrada the Laundry.
04:40I should go finish it.
04:41Anyway, Ryan Gosling.
04:48Another day over and done.
04:50Kids are asleep.
04:51I put on all my creams that do nothing and Peter won't be back for an hour.
04:56I have the whole night to myself.
04:58I guess I could check in on Mindy Kaling's body journey.
05:05Oh, she credits her weight loss to walking.
05:08Yeah, you stick with that, Mindy.
05:10The bigger the lie, the more people will believe it.
05:12Oh, what's this?
05:13John Cena chops wood and you won't believe the results.
05:17Well, I didn't expect those results at all.
05:22Do it, Mom.
05:23It's just you and John Cena's rippling shouldery neck area.
05:27Now's the time.
05:29Maybe my subconscious memory of Meg's advice is right.
05:32No, it's actually me.
05:34I can hear you talking to yourself through the wall.
05:37Oh, just go for it already.
05:38I'm not even listening.
05:39Gonna pop in my pods and fall asleep to some old Stanley cups.
05:46She's right.
05:47It's now or never.
05:49Hell yeah, Iserman.
05:50Let's go.
05:51Okay.
05:52Focus, Lois.
06:04Jimmy Connors.
06:22Jimmy Connors.
06:23Jimmy Connors.
06:24All right, well, since your mom is nowhere to be found,
06:33I think we should go around the table and say who you think the hottest family member is,
06:37and don't say no one.
06:38You should probably just ask us how school was, Dad.
06:42I heard you and Dad, so thank you, Chris.
06:45I also picked myself.
06:46Where is Lois, anyway?
06:47I'm starving.
06:48I don't know, but I've been hearing a lot of buzz.
06:50What have you been hearing?
06:51A literal buzz.
06:52Lot of it.
06:53Mom, what's for dinner?
06:55Fish fingers.
06:56Yuck.
06:57Sorry I'm a little late.
06:59Let it be noted that everyone else was able to pleasure themselves
07:02in a timely fashion and still show up to dinner promptly.
07:05Well, everyone is free to do what they want.
07:08I choose to take care of myself.
07:10And if people aren't satisfied with that, then they can take care of themselves, too.
07:14That includes cooking dinner.
07:16Look, Mom, nobody is happier for you than I am.
07:19Really, this is a mitzvah at the highest level,
07:21but not if it doesn't put a weird over-salted white pasta on the damn table.
07:26Chris is right.
07:27We can't do everything, Lois.
07:28What are we supposed to eat every night?
07:30The kids' leftover Halloween candy?
07:32Maybe I can do some of this stuff.
07:33Okay, enough.
07:34You know, I always thought making other people happy was what made me happy,
07:38but it turns out making me happy is what makes me happy.
07:42And I plan on doing a lot more of that.
07:44So that's what's up, Doc.
07:49Good day.
07:50This is BBC's Football This Morning, highlighting the Premier League's most exciting biracial footballers with British accents.
08:01Oh?
08:02As we screen these soft focus snaps of deep bronze footballers, bear in mind they all speak the Queen's English.
08:09Oh, yeah.
08:10Here's one eating crisps.
08:12Oh, that means potato chips.
08:14Here's one in his flat.
08:16Mmm, sexier than apartment.
08:19And here's one with a calendar, updating his schedule.
08:22Oh, same word, pronounced different.
08:25Hello?
08:26Hey, Lois, it's Todd from TJ Maxx.
08:29I noticed you haven't been aimlessly wandering the aisles lately.
08:32Oh, hi, Todd.
08:34Yeah, I finally discovered the art of self-pleasure.
08:37Sorry I had to find out like this.
08:39No worries.
08:40We actually get this call more often than you might think.
08:42I'll let HomeGoods know.
08:44I think it's best they hear it from us.
08:47Hi, Todd.
08:48It's Todd.
08:49No, I haven't seen Lois, and that's exactly why I'm calling.
08:55Can I help you find something?
09:02Principal Shepard?
09:03Is that you?
09:04Ah, you've caught me.
09:05How deeply humiliating.
09:07Oh, no, not at all.
09:08Sex is nothing to be ashamed of.
09:10Okay, well, you ruined it.
09:12Anyway, perhaps I can interest you in our new Mission Impossible line of choice.
09:16There's the Tom brews, the ring veins, and Simon Pegg is still just Simon Pegg.
09:22I think I'll just browse a bit.
09:24All right, well, a general heads up.
09:26I don't have enough wet floor signs to cover the wet floor, but just assume everywhere is wet.
09:39Bonnie?
09:40What are you doing here?
09:42Well, I never expected to see you at this little hole in the wall with all the little holes in the wall.
09:47Oh, I've been coming for years.
09:49Really?
09:50Well, I thought this place just opened.
09:52Yes.
09:53I can't believe you also enjoy feeling physically and emotionally satisfied.
09:58I thought I was the only one.
10:00Well, the media likes to act like a woman's sex drive is not as strong as a man's, and they're definitely right, but it's still kind of strong, probably.
10:09I totally agree.
10:11You know, you look really great, by the way.
10:13Ha, listen to me.
10:15I think that was my first genuine compliment to another woman.
10:18Yeah.
10:19When you realize you don't need a man for pleasure, other women no longer feel threatening.
10:24Oh, geez, Bonnie, you know, it's so nice after all these years of constantly comparing ourselves to each other.
10:30I haven't been doing that.
10:31Well, it's just so nice to finally find out that we aren't so different.
10:35Yeah.
10:36Hey, you want to go get a glass of wine or something?
10:39I'd love that.
10:41You know, all this sexual liberation has just made me feel so open-minded and giving.
10:46And would you like to round up your total for Make-A-Wish?
10:49Ugh, God, no, no, no, no.
10:51From the makers of The Last Temptation of Christ comes the second-to-last temptation of Christ.
11:01Can I tempt anyone with dessert?
11:03Ooh, yeah, we'll have the cheesecake.
11:05I see that paleo thing didn't last long.
11:07I'm sorry, Judas, does the global calendar begin with your birth or mine?
11:12Ooh!
11:14Uh, yeah, we'll have the cheesecake.
11:17I'm glad you're all here. I have an announcement to make.
11:20No, not Chubby Checker! Not today!
11:23Chubby Checker's fine, Peter. This is about me.
11:26Wow, breaking news.
11:27Wife somehow makes Chubby Checkers near-death about herself.
11:31Look, I want to thank you all for indulging me this past week.
11:35I've been on a journey with my body and my spirit, and you've all given me lots of space to explore new desires,
11:41and I appreciate all that.
11:43And one more thing, I'm dating Bonnie now.
11:46Hello!
11:50Hello!
11:51Hello!
11:52Hello!
11:53Hello!
11:54Hello!
11:55Hello!
11:56Hello!
11:57Hello!
11:58You heard?
11:59Yeah, I heard.
12:00Okay, what is it? What's so funny?
12:01Just something from Donna. She's hilarious.
12:03I don't know much about the model I make, but I do understand the societal theories about Super Mario.
12:08Subarus and the women who enjoy them.
12:09Okay, fellas, I see what this is about. Which one of you sly little rugs are you?
12:10I don't know much about the model I make, but I do understand the societal theories about Subarus and the women who enjoy them.
12:23Okay, fellas, I see what this is about. Which one of you sly little rascals is buying a new car?
12:38No, Joe, this is about the fact that your wife is dating my wife. And it's all your fault. If you had just pleased your wife, none of this would be happening.
12:47Oh, okay, Peter. And by that logic, I suppose it's also her trainer's fault. And Sensei Ryan's fault.
12:53Times have changed. Nowadays, you have to let your wives be unfaithful if it's presented through the lens of living their truth.
13:01This is humiliating. Being a cuckold sucks.
13:04It's not so bad, Peter. The trick is to get really into World War I Reddit, or as we in the community call it, the Great War.
13:12Because at that time, no one knew there would be a second one. See?
13:15Look, Peter, I know this must be strange, but the best thing that you and Joe can both do is accept this budding and probably quite playful relationship between your mutually wet-mouthed wives.
13:25Oh, God, it's happening again!
13:36Peter, what the hell?
13:37I got upset when I saw the suitcase. I also killed a bird and left it in the bathtub.
13:42It's just one weekend. Bonnie and I are going on the trip to Munchrugget that you didn't want to go on.
13:48Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never heard nothing about a trip.
13:50Yes, you did. But I'll tell you again, it's that quaint little bed and breakfast off of Route 4.
13:56She's right. Because this is exactly where I stopped listening last time and started thinking about Wolverine.
14:01Okay, you win. Wolverine is the coolest X-Man.
14:04Peter, I am going on this vacation. Unless you are trying to tell your wife she can't live her truth.
14:09Remember, Peter, you have to let your wife be unfaithful if it's presented through the lens of living her truth.
14:15Wow. My memory of what Cleveland said is right.
14:18No, it's really me. Meg pays for the NHL package, so I come over here to watch and drink full sugar cola.
14:24Don't tell Donna about the full sugar cola, though. That's not her truth.
14:31What a mess. You can just tell these eggs weren't scrambled by a woman doing a thousand-yard stare out the kitchen window.
14:41Agreed. A bit low on malaise.
14:43This is ridiculous. Peter, are you seriously just gonna let your wife run off with someone else?
14:47What choice do I have? Listen, I know our fans on TikTok aren't gonna like this, but cheating with a woman is still cheating.
14:54In fact, it's sexist to think that it isn't. Sorry, I said it.
14:57Oh, no! Brian's getting canceled.
14:59Wait, I take it back. The future is female.
15:01One podcast is totally enough to call yourself a comedian in your Twitter profile.
15:07Look, Dad, what Brian can't say but I can is that you can still fight for your marriage.
15:12You're allowed to tell your wife that you care about her.
15:15You're right. I'm calling Joe, and we are getting our wives back.
15:19We're sorry. The Cricket Wireless subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable. Try yelling their name out the window.
15:27Joe!
15:28Hey there, Peter.
15:30What's with the Cricket Wireless?
15:31Well, they had a DJ in the parking lot, so let's just say I uptown funked my way into a great family plan.
15:37Listen, I think we need to go find Bonnie and Lois before it's too late.
15:40Yeah, I think so, too. I can't take much more of Cleveland and Donna's suspicious looks.
15:45You said Bonnie and Lois were at church today, but we were at church and they weren't there.
15:52That's because they were at Super Church.
15:54Long as they aren't taking a secret lesbian holiday.
15:57Mm-hmm. Long as that.
16:04Wow. This hotel is great.
16:06I've never seen so many women printing out Tori Amos tickets in a business center.
16:11Look! They even have an open mic night for whichever one of you two is the funny one.
16:16That's me!
16:17Oh, I guess that makes me the one that obsesses over fake illnesses.
16:21Anyway, I gotta sit down. My knee is doing that milky thing again.
16:26Yeah, sure it is. Anyway, I'm just glad we finally made it.
16:30Now that we're here, do you want to have sex or complain about the room?
16:33What? Complain about this room? What's there even to complain about?
16:38We have a nice queen-size bed, which honestly should be a king, but look at the view.
16:43I mean, do I think their nicest room should be facing north?
16:46No, but there's a closet.
16:48Well, it's a space with six hangers, so I'm guessing that's what it is.
16:53Although, not seeing any hangers with clips, so I guess they think nobody wears skirts or pants.
16:59You know what? I'm calling the front desk.
17:05How long before we get to Munch Rugged?
17:07GPS says it takes two hours.
17:10Oh my god, Joe! You just got an open table notification!
17:13It looks like Bonnie and Lois are going out to a romantic dinner. Step on it!
17:17It's a Kia Sorento. This is as fast as it goes.
17:20Yeah, you gotta get rid of this thing.
17:22Yep, 91 more payments and I'm free.
17:24I need to stop signing contracts from DJs in parking lots.
17:29Well, I think we should start with whichever dish won't cause your speculative GI issues to flare up, since we're gonna be intimate later.
17:40Or we could just lean into it.
17:42What? No. Wait, what do you mean?
17:46Ladies, what can I get you?
17:48Hi, my friend has dietary restrictions, so we have five minutes of questions before we ultimately order something not on the menu.
17:55Do you have any chicken that's a fish?
17:57I'm gonna go check with the kitchen, and I'm definitely not gonna just quit on the spot.
18:04Hi, we're two husbands trying to get our wives to stop running away with each other.
18:08Oh, well there's a wait right now, but if you'd like to stand with the other husbands, we'll get you when your table's ready.
18:14Hi there. We were just discussing World War I.
18:17Don't you mean the Great War?
18:19All right, get in here, you. You're gonna do just fine here.
18:23There they are, Joe. Look at them in there enjoying themselves.
18:29Used to be sexually unsatisfied women who would just funnel all their anger into putting seashells all over the house.
18:35They do look really happy.
18:37Yeah. Lois hasn't looked that happy with me in years.
18:43What if Cleveland was right? We can't stop our wives from being happy.
18:47I love Lois, and she deserves to be with someone she loves too, even if it isn't me.
18:52I guess we just ought to go home then.
18:54I guess so.
18:56Why don't we try to pee pee before we leave, and then we'll get out of here.
18:59I don't have to pee pee.
19:00Why don't we try to pee pee?
19:03Are you ready?
19:10I feel like my stomach is being ripped to shreds by tikka masala, but...
19:15Sure. Let's roll the dice.
19:26Wow. I can't believe I didn't stop Lois from doing the thing I've spent 20 years begging her to do.
19:32Look, I don't want to bring this up, but I did do an internet search, and it said that in this scenario, the only right response is for the husbands to give the wives a taste of their own medicine.
19:44And this was a pornographic video?
19:46This was a very convincing pornographic video, yes.
19:48Well, now we have a problem and a secret.
19:55I'm so happy to be back home, and I brought everyone lots of seashells. That's gonna be my new thing, putting seashells everywhere you can imagine.
20:10So, how was it being with Bonnie?
20:12Well...
20:17You know how Wendy's fish fillet looks really good in the commercial, and then you go to Wendy's and you open up the bread, and you can't really tell what the different parts of the sandwich are, and then you don't even want it anymore?
20:27Well, what are you saying, Lois? You didn't actually cheat on me?
20:30Of course not, Peter. And to think you almost had a hall pass to sleep with one of your friends.
20:37Imagine that!
20:44Oh man, that is, that is, yeah, that is, that is hilarious.
20:49The trip is off. And did you ever find my minion sock?
20:53I told you to call the hotel, Peter.
20:55I can't, I forgot which fake name I used.
20:58Hey Todd, did Wade Boggs check out? He forgot his minion sock.
21:18I had a good one.
21:19I'll see you next time.
21:22Bye!
21:25Bye.
21:29Bye.
21:31Bye.
21:33Bye.
21:35Bye.
21:37Bye.
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