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00:00Tosh.0 features videos from the internet
00:02and is intended for a mature audience.
00:04Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed
00:07and discourages anyone from attempting them.
00:09Enjoy!
00:30Welcome to the show, Mitosh.0.
00:39Still less traumatizing than any girl's gymnastics coach.
00:43Welcome to Tosh.0.
00:45Now let's address the elephant-sized scarf in the room.
00:48Monochromosexuality is a spectrum, and I am on it.
00:52Tonight, I meet a dumped wife who's single
00:55and old enough to have shingles.
00:57I get dragged into the podcast ring
00:59and backed by popular demand.
01:01It's our Aussie Vidya the Wiki.
01:02Oy, oy, oy!
01:04Now, the most effective coaching tool
01:06is always good old-fashioned physical abuse.
01:09Good game. Good game. Good game.
01:12Most shocking part of this, not one soccer player flopped.
01:21You should see what he does to them after a loss.
01:24Makes the Penn State locker room look like a walk in the park.
01:29Maybe they're just really bad at high fives.
01:33Heard this is what Rodney Dangerfield did on the set of Ladybugs.
01:37Get on it, Ronan Farrow.
01:39All right, it's time for Amasians.
01:41That's Asians doing amazing things.
01:44Introducing the human hibachi.
01:47Don't worry. It's clean coal. Beautiful, clean coal.
01:56Once if it's too hot.
02:02You just don't get the same smoky flavor from chugging propane.
02:05Yeah, we'll see who's laughing when she shits out a pile of diamonds.
02:11Your friends at Viacom want me to encourage you to submit your own
02:14hot charcoal chew challenge vids.
02:16Hashtag, I'm joking,
02:18Hashtag class action lawsuit.
02:22You know what that means?
02:23It's two for Tuesday.
02:25That's how they do crazy in the Far East.
02:27But let's see how we do it here in the Far West.
02:32I say hear her out.
02:44It's the force versus excessive force.
02:47Her witchcraft worked until he remembered he could throw lightning bolts.
02:52She should have tried to cast a shorter spell.
02:59If she was using black magic, he would have gone for his gun.
03:03It's been two weeks.
03:04Let's check in live with the arresting officer who is currently on paid leave and a half.
03:10Jesus, what happened to you?
03:12My head keeps shrinking and she turned my hands into bear claws.
03:15You know how hard it is to resist eating my fingers?
03:21Another blow to police witch relations.
03:24Okay.
03:25Anything you do to British teeth is an improvement.
03:32Well, it's a good thing your teeth grow back every year.
03:36I once knocked a man's tooth out playing pocket pool.
03:39Very vigorous sesh.
03:40As soon as I saw this video, I knew I was going to have to take a pool ball to the pie hole.
03:48You know that's not your pie hole.
03:50You can put a pie in any hole.
03:54Oh, that felt like game.
03:56I got next.
03:58Put your quarters on the table.
04:00Hey, that's my magic eight ball. Give that back.
04:06That's for my niece's birthday.
04:08How did I fit that magic eight ball in there?
04:10Reply Muddy. Ask again later.
04:12Moving on.
04:14Oh, no. Two. Two for Tuesdays.
04:17They brought their own stick. Must be pros.
04:19Two. One.
04:21Oh.
04:25Easily the greatest accomplishment ever for someone with that haircut.
04:29Remember the episode of Fresh Prince when Uncle Phil turned out to be a pool shark?
04:34Oh, man. I don't have a joke for that. It's just a great episode. R.I.P. James Avery.
04:38One.
04:40Oh.
04:42Now glue a tack to his head and fling him into that dartboard.
04:45Another one. Another one.
04:49All right. They're trying to make it up to their room before the Cialis wears off.
04:54Now let's hope their Life Alert bracelets are fully charged in this week's Breakdown.
05:01Welcome to Ireland, where every white person is from, according to the loogie you mailed to Ancestry.com.
05:08We're at a charming B&B.
05:10I won't even stay in my parents' house when I visit.
05:12So I'm on a hard pass on the idea of living in a stranger's pretend hotel.
05:17These two are immersing themselves in the rich Irish tradition of getting blackout drunk.
05:22It's hard to use a handrail when you're double fisting your bedtime cocktails.
05:27I've always said every Irish home should be one story.
05:30He didn't touch a single stair on the way down.
05:41We just saw a man fly.
05:44She's pretty calm for a new widow.
05:47He's fine. Old people are notoriously durable.
05:51I can't tell if she's laughing or taking a quick nap to recharge before going for the summit.
05:57Oh, here she goes.
06:00Abortion is legal in Ireland now, but for some reason she insists on doing it the Christian way.
06:05I'd tell these two alcoholics to get into AA, but there's no way they'd make it of those 12 steps either.
06:12And for that, we thank you.
06:15But first, the best part about fireworks is always the finale.
06:18Dumped Wife's Revenge is all about being fabulous.
06:38I hope to inspire you.
06:40I hope to give you wisdom.
06:42And I hope to show you how to have more fun in life, laugh about life, loosen up, let go, and come into my world of fabulousness.
06:54Come on!
07:00Somewhere, Keanu Reeves is all horned up.
07:04Revenge is a dish best served old.
07:07Now, let's talk about women over 50 on Comedy Central.
07:10That queen of damaged goods from Down Under is Diane, founder of Dumped Wife's Revenge.
07:16Before you laugh at her, you should know that she recently lost two husbands.
07:21It was to much younger women, but still very traumatic.
07:25She decided to get back at them by making videos about drinking Pinot Grige alone,
07:30jumping on the beach alone, and cackling like the Joker, you guessed it, alone.
07:35Just because you turn your frown upside down doesn't mean you're not on the verge of a mental breakdown.
07:41She believes she's ageless.
07:43I'm guessing her ex-husbands may disagree.
07:45I say good for her.
07:47She married rich twice, and they both paid her a ton of money to leave.
07:50Beats getting pushed off the back of a cruise ship.
07:53Diane is living my dream.
07:54She's single, wealthy, and bangs younger dudes.
07:58That's why I brought Australia's most eligible divorcee to L.A.,
08:03where the best way to avoid becoming the dumpy is to keep a tight dumper.
08:07In this week's Cewebity Profile.
08:08Diane, you old wombit, get over here.
08:18I've been lurking your Instagram for years.
08:20Are you a stalker?
08:22Well, thank you so much for coming here.
08:25It's so great to finally have another rich person on this show.
08:29You would not believe the pores I'm forced to slum it with.
08:33Oh, I love your artwork.
08:36They're done by Terry Richardson.
08:37He's a horrible human, but damn, does he bring the sexy out of me.
08:40I like to separate the artist from the assaultist.
08:44First of all, lovely accent.
08:47Where are you from?
08:48I am from Australia, Perth.
08:51How's the exchange rate right now?
08:53Really bad. We'd be lucky to be 70 cents a gauge.
08:56You know what that is? That's the Trump factor.
08:58Who's sick of winning?
09:03What's with the clicking and the snapping?
09:06I didn't even realize I was doing it.
09:09And in that Vogue article, she said it's like I'm going,
09:13come on, giddy up with life.
09:15Were you surprised that Vogue came a-calling?
09:18I can't believe it.
09:19And that's the Vogue. That's not like Perth's edition of Vogue.
09:22And this is New York.
09:23And did that boost your profile immediately?
09:25Absolutely.
09:26I got about another 4,000 followers overnight.
09:29What made you start Dumped Wife's Revenge?
09:33I was dumped for the younger woman after 26 years of marriage.
09:38The second marriage?
09:39Second marriage.
09:40What about the first marriage?
09:42He actually also left me for the younger woman.
09:45I am down on Eagle Bay having the time of my life doing a fabulous photo shoot.
09:51Are you filthy rich?
09:53I'm filthy rich in life.
09:54Ah.
09:56But also with money.
09:58Is there a good way for poor women to flex on their exes?
10:03Exactly the same as what I do.
10:04The best revenge is not against your ex.
10:07The best revenge is to go,
10:10F*** you, life.
10:11I'm going to be fabulous no matter what you dump on me.
10:15I've seen you jump in a video or two.
10:17Love jumping.
10:18Well, yeah, but you're not getting very high off the ground.
10:20No, but you put it in slow motion and it looks like you're really getting up like 20 feet off the ground.
10:27What do your exes miss the most about you?
10:29I wouldn't have a clue.
10:32There's not one thing like, oh, I bet they missed that.
10:35Next question.
10:39How young of a man would you go?
10:42Well, it's only young men who ask me out. Men my age are older don't ask me out.
10:49Would you date a 25 year old man?
10:51No way.
10:53Okay, what about 35?
10:54No, stop it.
10:55Just sexual?
10:56No.
10:57I feel like you're not giving a 35 year old man a chance that wants to prove his worth.
11:02Is sex a big part of your life?
11:03Of course.
11:04Uh-huh.
11:05It's part of everybody's life.
11:07You ever had sex on the beach?
11:09Man, it's not as good as advertised.
11:11You really need to have an extra large blanket.
11:16Would you like to get married just to dump a husband just so you could be on the other side of it?
11:20Absolutely not.
11:22No way!
11:23I'll be honest with you, it was a very basic instinct moment when you did the double cross there.
11:27That would be a power move if you did that during this interview.
11:29Like, just out of nowhere, right to that camera like, hello.
11:33Did you know who I was?
11:34Are you going to be upset if I said no?
11:36Not at all.
11:37In the history of our show, you were the first person to pay for their own travel.
11:40Really?
11:41Of course.
11:42Nobody that comes on the show has money.
11:44The reason?
11:45The reason is you don't want to slum it with the f***ing cattle in the back of the plane.
11:49No, but I've got to tell you what happened.
11:51Sitting in the room this morning, the guy came in and I had to sign the documents.
11:56And it had date of birth.
11:57And I said, look, dumped wife's revenge is part of being ageless.
12:03So I handed it back to him and he was in shock.
12:06So we're not going to pay you.
12:08We're not paying her?
12:09If I don't cut it, you can get someone else on.
12:12How many more years can you be ageless?
12:15Until I die.
12:16Is the vagina ageless?
12:18Absolutely.
12:19How many photos of yourself do you have naked?
12:22Three naked shots.
12:24It was an empowerment thing for myself.
12:27I was at this certain age.
12:29It was done very tastefully.
12:30And when I looked at it, I thought, oh, that is awesome.
12:34So I'm going to do a naked shot every year.
12:37Oh, I like that.
12:38Yeah.
12:39Will you text me some of these naked shots?
12:40Just some selfies?
12:41I don't sext.
12:42It won't be sexting if I don't use it for anything sexual.
12:46No, I don't do that.
12:49Diane, we can't just sit around here drinking Sauvignon Blanc all day.
12:52Why?
12:53What's the point of having a fabulous life if we can't rub it in everyone's poor faces?
12:59All right, do I have a surprise for you?
13:01I've set up the perfect photo shoot.
13:03I love surprises.
13:06Diane, you think the best revenge is living well.
13:08But here in America, we know the best revenge is revenge revenge.
13:12Are they my exes?
13:14I don't want to get you legally implicated.
13:16But let's just say I kidnapped two guys who may or may not have dumped you for younger women.
13:20And I've been torturing the out of them for the past four days.
13:23You've got to go to jail.
13:24Yes, but in the meantime, let's use my green screen to take photos in fabulous locations with them.
13:32This is Australian waterboarding.
13:35You just wet a board and crack him over the head.
13:55That's not my ex.
13:57I'm terribly sorry about this.
13:59Peter.
14:00Diane.
14:01When you torqued the wrong white guy in 2019, there are zero repercussions.
14:06We'll be right back, but first, always put your phone in airplane mode.
14:09This is a question we got a lot.
14:19Is Arne Anderson aware of who Daniel Tosh is?
14:22And does he know about all the call outs on Tosh.0?
14:25Totally aware of it.
14:26Every time I do a signing, at least 10 people will ask me in the course of three hours,
14:32what's the deal with this Daniel Tosh trashing you on his show?
14:36If you think you can find your way to L.A. and spinebuster the shit out of Daniel Tosh, as a long-time viewer of Tosh.0, I'm ready for it.
14:43For the longest time I was signed to a particular company, whether it was WCW or WWE, and I was not allowed to do any outside stuff.
14:53Let me just put this out there. I'm no longer signed to anybody. I can do anything I want. So if Daniel wants to upgrade and update the popping off, there may be a reckoning coming.
15:04Okay, boomer, put some respect on my name. After 11 years of randomly calling out Arne Anderson for no reason other than hating him when I was a child, he finally took the bait.
15:18I've avoided listening to or being on any podcast that's ever been recorded.
15:23But when a cream puff like Arne Anderson shoots on you, you've got no choice but to fight podcast with podcast.
15:31That's right, we've got a royal podcast rumble.
15:37Welcome to the Arne Sucks podcast. Who's ready for Arne-ageddon? Arne says he's gonna fly out to L.A. Oh, man.
15:44If you think you can find your way to L.A. and spinebuster the shit out of Daniel Tosh, I will hang up right now and make that happen.
15:50I'd be happy to buy you two coach seats and a seatbelt extender. The only spine that's gonna be busted is yours when you're trying to get off your recliner
15:58in whatever senior assisted living community your family puts you in.
16:01Wrestling buffs call Arne a technician, which is code for unpopular or can't sell merch.
16:08The only reason you have a career is because you're riding Ric Flair's sparkly coattails.
16:13Woo!
16:15You ought to be thanking me for reviving his geriatric doughy ass.
16:18All right, if any of my listeners can name a single finishing move that is dumber than the spinebuster, I'll give you $1,000 cash.
16:26Hulk Hogan's atomic leg drop?
16:28God damn it.
16:29That should have made it $500.
16:30I'd like to take a minute to thank my sponsors, MeUndies.
16:33Way more comfortable than those man panties Arne would prance around in.
16:38Here's the fun story.
16:39On Halloween, this little trick-or-treater came to my house dressed as Arne.
16:43Oh, man.
16:44I didn't give him any candy.
16:45I kicked him right in the kidneys.
16:47And you know what his dad said to me?
16:50Listen, I've been living rent-free in that coward's head since 2009.
16:55Now it's time for one of my favorite segments.
16:57Arne is bad at wrestling.
16:59That's where we rewatch one of Arne's more than 100 embarrassing losses.
17:03Television champion.
17:04And like I said, Con Anderson's got it.
17:06Got a special treat for you today.
17:09Anytime I'm talking trash about Arne, everyone comes out of the woodwork wanting to chime in.
17:14Welcome Hacksaw Jim Duggan to the podcast.
17:16Hey, Daniel.
17:17How's it going, man?
17:18How you doing?
17:19Mr. Duggan, it's an honor to have you on.
17:21Hey, where's your 2x4?
17:23I had actually dumped the 2x4 because of that Arne's stink of failure clinging to it.
17:29I had to get rid of it after wrestling that loser.
17:32How easy was it to beat Arne?
17:34If he didn't have somebody in his corner, he was no good.
17:37He was like a tackling dummy.
17:39We all knew that in the back.
17:41He'd go down night after night.
17:43I beat Arne.
17:44Can't even think of how many times.
17:46I'm sure you've heard.
17:47Arne started running his mouth about me.
17:49That's one of the things Arne's best at.
17:52Talk and smack.
17:54He can't back nothing up.
17:56All he does is yak, yak, yak.
17:58Let's go back to that match in Orlando 95.
18:01He was disqualified for cheating.
18:03That didn't come as a big surprise to any of us.
18:05Arne is a noted cheater.
18:07He not only cheated me, he cheated Brutus and Barbara Beefcake.
18:11He cheated against Hulk Hogan.
18:13I even think he backstabbed Tully Blanchard one time.
18:16I won trust Arne.
18:18That's why that four horsemen deal is like three horsemen and a donkey.
18:24Took the words right out of my mouth.
18:28Ladies and gentlemen, friend of the show, Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
18:30Well, my pleasure, brother.
18:31But before you go, how about you giving me a hoe, brother?
18:33Let's go, baby.
18:34Ho!
18:35Ho!
18:36Ho!
18:37Ho!
18:38Ho!
18:39Ho!
18:40Ho!
18:41That's our show.
18:42Make sure you download next week's episode where I give out Arne's social security number.
18:47Every night when I say my prayers, I ask the good Lord to keep you safe, Arne, so I can take you out myself.
18:55We'll be right back with more of the Untitled Modest Yahoo! Project.
19:05Welcome back to the only TV show that predicts Jimmy Fallon will be fired from The Tonight Show within the next two years.
19:12Next week, it's our big Thanksgiving slash Christmas slash Hanukkah slash season finale episode.
19:18Follow me on at least one of the four majors of social media.
19:22Get tickets to see me in Reno and Honolulu.
19:25You'll never guess which city I'm looking forward to more.
19:28Big news, the winning city of the Tosh Point show in the snow is Bend, Oregon.
19:34Tickets on sale tomorrow to see me and the idiots who work for me.
19:38I'll also be performing out whoop whoop, just kidding, Sydney, Brisbane and Melbourne.
19:42Did you know that shrimp are actually called prawns in Australia?
19:46So the expression should really be throw another prawn on the barbie.
19:49Well, me dead and bury me pregnant.
19:52Now, no wookus, it's the Tosh Point, oi oi oi, Aussie video of the wiki.
19:57This is what you get when you don't pay attention.
20:00This is what you get when you leave the national party in charge of water in Australia.
20:05Dead fish, a massive stink.
20:08Sorry, I'm going to stop.
20:10And effectively it runs into the billions of fish.
20:14At the moment, numbers are saying hundreds of thousands to millions.
20:18This river system will run about another 150 kilometres.
20:22So if you have these type of kills up and down, you'll be talking to billions of sheep, fish.
20:27Billions of fish being destroyed by this government.
20:31I feel sorry for Jeremy, I'll tell you.
20:36Poor bastard.
20:39Why'd you let the guy with the weak stomach hold the rotting fish?
20:43You could have just panned over to it on the ground.
20:46Alright, this week's free book is My Father's Dragon, a beautiful story that encourages children to run away from home.
20:52Goodnight.
21:01I don't know, can we hear about the Russians even if we don't.
21:02I think it's amazing.
21:03You'll be right after that.
21:04You'll be right after it.
21:05I'm out of here.
21:06What's your name?
21:07I got it.
21:08I got it.
21:09That's my name.
21:10I'm out.
21:11I'm out.
21:12I love you.
21:13I got it.
21:14If I'm out.
21:15I'm out.
21:16You're out.
21:17I'm out.
21:18I ain't got it.
21:19I'm out.
21:20I'm out.
21:21I'm out.
21:22I'm out.
21:23I'm out.
21:24I'm out.
21:25You're out.
21:26I'm out.
21:27You're out.
21:28I'm out.
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