- 3 months ago
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00:00Ted, if you had three wishes, what would it be?
00:07Three wishes? God, I don't know, really.
00:10I suppose the first one would be world peace.
00:13And then maybe an end to hunger.
00:16And, er...
00:21More money for hospitals and that type of thing.
00:24Fair enough, Ted.
00:26And yourself, Dougal, what would your three wishes be?
00:28Oh, Lord, I don't know. No, I'm happy enough, really.
00:31Really? You wouldn't want anything at all?
00:32No, I don't think so.
00:34I can't think of anything, anyway.
00:38You wouldn't, say, want, er...
00:40A big car to drive around in?
00:42Oh, wow!
00:44That'd be fantastic!
00:46Driving around in a big car, that'd be one, yeah, brilliant!
00:53And what would be your second wish?
00:56Oh, no, that'd be fine, no, the car'd be fine.
00:59I wouldn't like to be a rock star or something, like Elvis.
01:02Oh, God, yeah!
01:04Oh, I'd love to be a rock star like Elvis or something!
01:07Oh, that'd be brilliant!
01:13So, er...
01:14Your third wish, if you had one?
01:16Oh, no, no, that'd be fine, no.
01:18If I had a big car and I was Elvis, that'd be grand.
01:23You wouldn't, like, say, um...
01:26This cup?
01:27Oh, God, yeah!
01:30I'd love that cup!
01:32If I had that cup and I was Elvis and I was in a big car,
01:35that'd be fantastic!
01:38You've never had much of an imagination, have you, Dugan?
01:40No, you're right there, Ted.
01:42No, you're right there, Ted.
01:44?
01:51I don't like that!
01:54Thank you, Spider!
02:03When you're Eric, had you Win!
02:07THE END
02:37No tea, Paul?
02:39No, I'm fine
02:40Right
02:49Would you like me to turn on the television?
02:56No, thanks, I'm fine
02:57Right
02:59Have you seen Father Shortwell at all recently?
03:11No
03:11I was thinking, what would he be? Would he be 80 now?
03:17I suppose so
03:18Oh, Dougal, you wanted to have a word? Fair enough, won't be a moment, see you in a minute, Father
03:22What's up with you, Ted? Who's that?
03:27I had to get out of there
03:28Who is it, Ted?
03:31Now, Dougal, don't overreact
03:33Fair enough
03:34Right
03:39It's Father Stone
03:43Dougal, get up
03:46Oh, Ted, no, not him
03:47It's him, all right
03:48God almighty
03:49I know
03:50Why didn't you tell him not to come, Ted? You said you would, you promised after the last time
03:54I tried, but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a moustache
03:57Oh, my God, I hate it
03:59Those awful protracted silences
04:01Why didn't you lie to him?
04:03I did
04:04I told him great, big, massive lies with feckin' bells hanging off them
04:08But you know what it's like
04:10It's like trying to ask the Holy Mother to stop appearing to schoolgirls at Balance Bittle
04:13Oh, God
04:15Right, Dougal, you're going to have to keep me copy
04:17Oh, no
04:18Dougal!
04:18No!
04:22Back again
04:23Oh, sorry, Paul, you remember Dougal
04:27Ah, yes
04:29Of course you do, sure, you must be coming here
04:31How many years is it now?
04:32Well, a few, anyway
04:34Six
04:34Six years
04:36Every summer
04:39So, what time are you going back tomorrow?
04:43I might stay
04:44What?
04:47I say, I might stay
04:48How long?
04:50Oh, I don't know
04:50A few weeks, maybe
04:52A few weeks?
04:54Sorry about that, Ted
04:55Fell over
04:56Tea, fathers
04:59Any one for a nice couple
05:01Oh, no, it's Father Stone
05:04Do you not have to get back to your parish?
05:09No
05:09Not for a while, anyway
05:11Ha
05:11Ha
05:12Right, it's
05:14It's just that there's a problem in that
05:16Dougal and I were thinking of doing something
05:18What was it we were thinking of doing, Dougal?
05:20The thing there
05:21Yes, yes, what was the thing we were going to do together?
05:23Yes
05:24What was it?
05:25The thing
05:26Big thing it was
05:28Oh
05:28Oh, erm
05:29Holidays
05:32Going on holidays
05:34That's fine
05:39I'll mind the place
05:40Wait
05:41Wait, it wasn't that we were going on holidays at all
05:43It was something else we were going to do
05:45That means no one can stay in the house
05:48What was it?
05:49What was it?
05:50Erm
05:50We
05:51We were going to
05:53We were
05:53Have the paintings re-hung
05:55Oh, brilliant
05:56Brilliant memory there
05:57Have you noticed?
05:59They're all crooked
06:00I mean, what type of an angle is that?
06:02It's mad angle
06:03So you can't stay here
06:04It's too dangerous
06:05See?
06:07Couldn't be here
06:08While people are shifting paintings all around the place
06:10So
06:10So where will you go?
06:14Hotel, probably
06:15That's fine
06:16I'll go with you
06:17Sorry, Paul
06:20I just have to sort something out with Dougal
06:22Oh, God
06:25Oh, God
06:26Think, Dougal
06:28Think
06:28All right, I'll do the thinking
06:33Ted
06:34Jack
06:35Oh, God
06:37If he sees him
06:39Christ almighty
06:40I'll have to break it to him gently
06:42Look
06:43You take Paul out
06:45And I'll go
06:46Oh, you're not leaving me alone with him, Ted
06:48Dougal
06:49Oh, no, Ted
06:50Now, sorry about that
06:50I just can't now
06:52There's no way
06:52So, erm
06:53Are you going to tell Jack?
06:56I'll get me coat
06:56Paul
07:00Dougal's going for a walk
07:02Would you like to join him?
07:04No, I'm fine
07:05Are you sure you won't go?
07:07It's lovely
07:07No, thanks, no
07:08I'm fine
07:09Well, it's just that Dougal wants to show you something
07:11It's very important
07:12Is it?
07:13Yes, very, very important
07:15This could be the most important thing you'll ever see
07:17Yeah?
07:18Yes
07:19Right
07:21So you'll go, so
07:22No, I'm fine, thanks
07:24I'll see you again sometime
07:27Well, to be honest
07:27It's not that Dougal wants to show you something
07:29It's that
07:30There's a fire in the house
07:32And you'll have to leave
07:34A fire?
07:36Yes
07:36I didn't want to get you into a panic
07:38Because it's only a small fire
07:39But it could spread
07:40And if you died in it
07:41I'd never forgive myself
07:43So if you just go with Dougal
07:44I'll fight the blaze
07:45Right, sir
07:46You're going?
07:48Oh, yeah
07:48There's a fire
07:49Great!
07:52Don't worry about me
07:53Drop a water
07:54It'll do the trick
07:54So, have you seen Father Shorthall lately?
08:15No
08:15I suppose he must be about 80 now
08:24I suppose so
08:27Father?
08:35Father?
08:36Father, are you awake?
08:40Father
08:40Father
08:42We have a visitor
08:47So, how's everything then?
08:54All right
08:55Take off!
09:01This is a back draft
09:02Clearly, Oath
09:03Jack going to bed then, Ted?
09:22Yes
09:23He was a little tired
09:24Right
09:35Well, I suppose my bath will be ready by now
09:37Oh, God
09:52Oh, God
09:52Can I help you, Paul?
10:16No
10:18Fine
10:18I'm, um
10:22Having a bath
10:24It's just that I want you to go to the toilet
10:27Oh
10:28Right
10:30Go ahead
10:31Go ahead
10:59Go ahead
10:59time for bed it's only half seven yes but I have to be up at 11 in the morning
11:12do you better get some rest too
11:16I can't take much more of this Ted
11:28I know I know six years you think that by now you've got the message do you remember that time Ted when
11:36we knew he was coming and we pretended to be in Rome God yeah that was amazing anyone else would
11:42go fair enough and just not turn up five days in the attic no food no water rats everywhere if
11:58only we thought of it this year to meet him in the first place he was introduced to me by father
12:03Jim Dugan we were at a conference do can come up and said this is father stone and ran out of the
12:09building just ran straight out of the building so we started talking well I started talking you know
12:17the way he is and just to break the silence I invited him to stay you know just for something
12:21to say the next day the next day he arrived on the island god if he'd only say something but he
12:29just sits there I mean what does he get out of it right I hope he's gone before your birthday party
12:34anyway oh it would be long gone by then what is it three weeks away
12:43good god look at the time I dare better be going Ted oh and you need a lift
13:03do you want money anything you want
13:32do you want me to go home Ted think about it Dougal think about who's sitting in the living room
13:55oh yeah I think it's clearing up now anyway
13:57I don't know the thing's blowing over there Ted never mind just have your go
14:05golf yeah crazy golf ball not exactly the u.s masters
14:12no will you have a go Paul oh no I will sure stretch one isn't it Dougal oh yeah Ted fantastic
14:18you'll have a go no no go on sure it's even easier now that the windmill's not in the way
14:22there you go give it a real go what's the worst thing can happen
14:32oh god Dougal it's all my fault don't be silly Ted so what did you do pray for him to be hit by
14:37lightning
14:40no of course not I I asked him to intervene in some way but this is a bit much what are you thinking of
14:46who would have thought that being hit by lightning would land you in hospital
14:50what what are you talking about of course it can land you in hospital well hell it's not usually
14:58serious is it Ted I mean I was hit by lightning a few times I never had to go to hospital
15:04yes Dougal but you're different from most people
15:06all that happened to you was balloons kept sticking to you
15:14god I hate hospitals do you ever notice it's usually sick people who end up in hospitals
15:23oh yeah they all come here Ted of course you're a goner the minute you walk in through the door
15:27you know I prefer to take my chances in the real world Ted you know no matter how sick I was I'd never
15:30go under the hammer under the knife Dougal under the hammers auctioneering all right yeah do you
15:39remember that film Ted where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly and the fly's head is
15:44transplanted onto the man oh yes what was that called out of Africa I think anyway you know your
15:51man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and you know she's trying to
15:56hide the jam and everything so as he won't get stuck on it and that kind of thing I have to stop you
16:00there Dougal yes Ted no reason I just have to stop you there he is today's emergency what is it today
16:07doctor we don't know I think it's a combination of baby sham and harpic probably all that was left
16:14after the party father stone's been in there a long time hasn't he do you think he's dead
16:20probably doing tests what sort of tests general knowledge no won't get much out of him in that
16:30condition no no medical tests what would he know about that Ted there he goes you can move when he
16:42wants to stupid bastard you've really done it this time you started it you slag the next time i finish
16:49the job i oh father's hello john hello mary uh hello well uh what are you doing here father um a friend
16:59of ours had a bit of an accident oh dear what happened to you that looks nasty ah sure it's nothing father
17:05it's just a headache i don't know why i bothered coming really is that blood oh god no no i i don't
17:17think so i just got a slight nick with a knife when mary was putting the bandage on it's uh it's not a
17:25stab wound sure he's fine you look like you've been in the wards yourself mary ah it's only spraying
17:32father it's nothing i slipped in a bag of coal and it's not broken if it is sure what the hell
17:37ah well i uh i hope your friend gets better next time i'll friggin make sure
17:43shut up you old bitch they're a lovely couple though aren't they john and mary ah they are all right
17:56how much longer are they going to be in there
17:58well ted we hardly even know when you think about it does he have much of a family yes
18:04his parents are alive and he has a brother i think a doctor in america a doctor wow you wouldn't
18:11believe that would you but that used to be quite common you know the favorite son would become a
18:15doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood your brother's a doctor isn't he yes
18:21ah doctor how's the patient uh he's hanging in there it's mostly shock great well that's not
18:28serious well it's quite serious a bolt of lightning can do a lot of damage can it yes his reactions are
18:35very poor at the moment he's always been like that very poor reactions that's normal for him
18:39actually he's not reacting at all to any stimulus again i wouldn't worry about it that's always
18:45look father i'm a doctor and i know that it's not normal to fail to react to stimulus i'm sure
18:51it is look look look look at this you see it's a thing with priests we have our minds on more
18:57spiritual matters so i wouldn't worry about it well no i think i will worry about it oh god okay
19:07can we see him i'd like to say a prayer yes all right father this way
19:16as you can see we still haven't been able to remove the golf club
19:21why isn't he in bed it's hard to get him into a comfortable position when he's in that stance
19:27but you're right he's been on his feet long enough looks like a trophy
19:31he does a bit i'm sorry i only just heard paul oh come on mr stone we've got to get him into bed
19:41father could you
19:42you must be father really yes i am oh god bless you father god bless you
19:53oh father this is my husband termit oh god father it's terrible father it's terrible god forgive me
19:59for using the lord's name and fame but jesus christ isn't it terrible it is it is father it is it's
20:05terrible terrible i tell you i couldn't have said it better myself terrible is the word father terrible
20:11i tell you father terms too too small a word oh god father it is it's too small a word will you
20:17look at what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard you're useless no father i'm sorry
20:23him causing you all this trouble god forgive me for saying this but wouldn't have been better if he
20:29did have been killed and herself all upset jesus father what you must think of him and us for bringing
20:37him into the world and i'm going out for a drink father will you join me no i think i should stay
20:42here for the moment see you later right and this is mommy hello
20:52i know what you're up to god you know father paul thinks the world of you oh indeed he does he never
21:01stops talking about you father ted says this father ted says that he worships your father really he
21:09comes back from craggy island and he's counting the days until he can go back again literally look
21:17he has a chart and he crosses off the days as they pass by and right down at the bottom of the chart
21:24father as a photograph of yourself oh god and he does paintings as well father he did this one for you
21:37oh lord oh god what is it it's his heart to do something oh oh oh doogle do do
21:46google mr stone could you come with me i need you to fill out some form is he going to be all right
21:56we're doing all we can but he is quite ill just hope for the best all right doctor come on mommy
22:07the old woman she knows she knows it's all my fault how would she know that they have ways
22:12old women are closer to god than we'll ever be they get to that age and they don't need the operator
22:16anymore they've got the direct line she knows all right and who could blame her for being angry
22:21with me it's all my fault why did i do it oh god please bring him back i never meant you to take him
22:30away there was no need for the lightning you know i didn't mean that that was just silly please please
22:36god bring him back and i swear we look after him he can stay as long as he wants i know
22:41ted shut up doogle please i swear i look after him for the rest of my days please just do this one thing
22:52ah come on please please i swear
22:55paul you're back oh lord it's a miracle doctor paul can i get you anything at all
23:07no fine
23:18no
23:19no
23:20no
23:21no
23:21no
23:21no
23:29no
23:31no
23:32no