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00:00Tosh.0 features videos from the internet
00:02and is intended for a mature audience.
00:04Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed
00:07and discourages anyone from attempting them.
00:09Enjoy!
00:10Here we go!
00:12Oh, my God!
00:14Oh, my God!
00:16Oh, my God!
00:34If God didn't want Bill's fans to fly,
00:36why did he give them buffalo wings?
00:38Welcome to Spooky Tosh.0.
00:40Who am I for Halloween?
00:41I'm John Wick 3 from Parabellum.
00:44Monochromosexual is the new black.
00:47Tonight, I reveal the secret identity of Super Bitch.
00:50I show you what a treat it is to trick your kids,
00:52and backed by popular demand,
00:54it's our Aussie Vidya the Wiki.
00:57Now, let's see why the Bill's Mafia
00:59is the most CTE-riddled fan base in the NFL.
01:06Don't everyone help at once.
01:07The good news is dying gets you out of Buffalo.
01:11He is survived by section 329.
01:15Is that a sign to say free the juice?
01:17From what?
01:18The man killed two people
01:19and was golfing in Reno as we speak.
01:24We have a Dolphins Mafia, too,
01:26but we just hide under the table
01:27until the game is over going...
01:29Too bad for that poor slob,
01:36but great for business down at my new store.
01:39Hey!
01:40Buffalonians!
01:41Get on down to Bill's Bar and be a table
01:43where you buy and you break.
01:45We got the cheapest, weakest tables in town.
01:48Now, a lot of people ask,
01:49why does this table have three legs?
01:51I say,
01:52because two won't do.
01:53Now, if your fat asses can't break all tables,
01:55I'll get you a gift certificate to eat it out.
01:57You buy their overpriced crap.
01:59Now, every table you buy
02:01comes with a side of carrot, celery,
02:03your choice of ranch and blue cheese.
02:05That's the Buffalo way.
02:10I'm Dan!
02:13Visit us at any of our four showrooms
02:15all conveniently located next to each other in Rochester.
02:18Now, there's a city.
02:20All right.
02:21We take you now to the blue-collar combine.
02:29No!
02:30No!
02:31No!
02:32No!
02:33No, no, no, no!
02:34No!
02:36Meet your new 2019 Mr. Amazon Prime.
02:42He's the Usain Bolt of minimum wage workers.
02:47If you don't focus on all the labor laws Amazon violates,
02:50it's kind of a fun place to work.
02:52No, no, no, no, no!
02:54No!
02:55Old-ass Indiana Jones had to get a job in a warehouse.
02:58This economy has left so many people behind.
03:02Preach, Bernie!
03:04I believe we have a second angle of him celebrating
03:06on the loading dock.
03:07No!
03:14Good God!
03:15Coincidentally, also a member of the Bill's Mafia.
03:19Okay, this next video comes with a trigger warning
03:21for Californians.
03:22This is why we can't have straws.
03:28So Japan can have enormous ones.
03:40Miso Choki.
03:41He's banned from Soup Plantation.
03:44Not because of how he eats soup, but because of his race.
03:49What do you expect?
03:50It's called Plantation.
03:55This guy clearly doesn't have what it takes to date me.
03:58Relax the throat.
04:00What?
04:01I've heard.
04:03Here at Tosh.0, we've been slurping soup out of straws for years.
04:07Hashtag Group Soup Tuesdays.
04:10Did you guys start group soup without me?
04:12God damn it!
04:13We got a nice hearty chili today.
04:15You mind if I hit it with a dollop of sour cream
04:17and a fistful of Fritos?
04:18Oh, man, do it.
04:19Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:21Now let me get my environmentally conscious paper straw.
04:31Scoot over.
04:39I got some meat.
04:40I know what you're thinking.
04:41Is chili a soup or a stew?
04:43Not since Roe v. Wade has my office been more divided.
04:46In my opinion, it's a hot dog.
04:48Moving on.
04:49Please keep your hands and fingers inside the go-kart at all times.
04:58Hope that's not his skee-ball hand.
05:02Get that fingertip in a snow cone ASAP
05:04and don't forget your lap time printout.
05:10It's all right.
05:11I'm sure the uneducated, acne-crusted teen
05:13running the track has the proper training to handle this.
05:17Just say you lost it in Iraq
05:18and enjoy free appetizers for life.
05:22Another one.
05:23Another one.
05:24Oh, shit. Watch this.
05:26Oh, my God!
05:28Oh, no!
05:30Don't try to be heroes.
05:31Just let Cookie Monster fight the car.
05:34Now let's see why not all blue lives matter
05:36in this week's Breakdown.
05:38Welcome to Quickenham, which is definitely a real place
05:43and not the most British fake name I could think of.
05:47The naked-painted maniac is an Everton soccer fan.
05:50Oh, is that big, little baby upset about his footy team
05:53not kicking good?
05:55I know we have to blur this at home, but trust me,
05:58that is one teeny blood sausage.
06:00Ugh.
06:01I'm so sick of these elaborate gender reveal parties.
06:07The only way Boozy Smurf will get rid of those blue balls
06:10is with paint thinner and steel wool.
06:13The real question is, what color is he?
06:15I see pink and white.
06:17Oh, no!
06:18Not one of these things again!
06:23Ha, ha!
06:24Joke's on you.
06:25British restaurants don't need menus anyway.
06:27Tonight's special is fish and chips.
06:29Yeah, it's always fish and chips.
06:33Why are you filming him?
06:34Why do you think that's funny?
06:36Stop it.
06:37This guy needs help.
06:38Ah, bugger off, you old bird.
06:40Who made you queen?
06:41I mean, maybe he's a reflection of our chaotic society
06:44and we laugh to hide the pain.
06:46Or maybe we just enjoy watching a fat, naked, dumbass
06:48kick his friends in the dick.
06:51Since it's British, I'm sure this will win the Emmy
06:53for best comedy next year.
06:54And for that, we thank you.
06:58But first, time for little sicky, icky, icky.
07:00Yikieki.
07:02Daylogo
07:05Dayaksi
07:06Dayições
07:08Day
07:30Up, up, and okay?
07:45A Black Panther in the streets and a Billy Porter in the sheets.
07:49That flaming hero sexual from our nation's capital is Dre, a.k.a. Superbitch.
07:54I thought Washington's Superbitch was Lindsey Graham.
07:57Stay out of politics, Tosh.
07:58Some heroes get their powers from the sun.
08:02Others get them from their parents being murdered.
08:04Superbitch was born this way.
08:07Before you get woke on me, bitch is Dre's chosen pronoun.
08:10Plus, I've always said bitch is gender neutral.
08:13And I married a bitch, so I'm allowed to say it.
08:17Like Tom Cruise, that gaped crusader is really short, does his own stunts,
08:22and is disgusted by the very thought of a woman.
08:24His superpowers includes cartwheeling in heels, getting likes on the gram,
08:29and inspiring kids who've been bullied for their sexuality or ethnicity.
08:33I'm just glad there's finally a Black superhero without Black in the name.
08:36Seems racist.
08:37It's not like we say White Superman.
08:40Now, which do I prefer, Marvel or DC?
08:44Neither.
08:45I've always been comfortable talking to the opposite sex.
08:47Right, ladies?
08:48Unfortunately for Superbitch, America's superpowers are racism and homophobia.
08:54That's why I shined a tasteful dick pic into the sky
08:56and summoned that extremely dark night to Hollywood
08:59before they cast Scarlett Johansson to play him in this week's Cewebity Profile.
09:03I'm so, so sorry, but he cannot come to the phone right now.
09:26And that is why they call me Superbitch.
09:48Now that is one Superbitch bartender,
10:01something fruity for my new best friend with benefits.
10:05Who are you?
10:05I'm Daniel L. Jackson, motherfucker.
10:09And I think you have what it takes to be the newest Avenger,
10:12and not just because the franchise lacks diversity and you tick a ton of boxes.
10:17So you need the world's first openly gay superhero?
10:20Sure.
10:21I need the first gay superhero.
10:23As long as you don't count Iceman, Robin, Green Lantern, Wolverine.
10:28Do I need to go on?
10:28Flash, Aquaman, Jesus, Andy Cohen.
10:31I'm up to my ass and gay.
10:33It's your blackness that I'm after.
10:36Let's continue this conversation where I feel most comfortable.
10:38Deep in the closet.
10:40This isn't a closet.
10:42You have passed the second test.
10:44Does he know the difference between a closet and an elevator?
10:46No, this will take us directly to Avengers HQ.
10:51Give me the origin story of Superbitch.
10:54Well, a gay boy who's been bullied through middle school and high school,
11:00he finds some pink boots,
11:02and the pink boots basically gives him powers to fight back.
11:05Is this you?
11:06Yes.
11:07Oh, so you were bullied.
11:08Mm-hmm.
11:09Why?
11:10Because I was always myself.
11:11Uh-huh.
11:12And didn't care what people thought.
11:13When did you decide to become Superbitch?
11:15Last year, out to the public.
11:18But I've always felt super inside.
11:20Like, I felt like I was always a leader.
11:22Were you bit by a radioactive bitch?
11:25I think so.
11:26Were you ever into comic books?
11:28Yes.
11:29No, you weren't.
11:30I was.
11:31No, you weren't.
11:32Here's my biggest concern about your videos.
11:35They're very enjoyable to watch.
11:36But I don't like you, a young, beautiful black man out in public pulling out a fake gun.
11:44That's going to get you killed.
11:46One day, I was shooting a skit outside, and I had a gun.
11:49And somebody thought that I was pointing at them,
11:51but I was pointing at, like, one of my friends because we were doing a skit together.
11:54Yes.
11:55So they called the police because they thought it was a real gun.
11:57But all you're doing is just giving them, like, an excuse.
12:01So knock it off with that.
12:02Because all you really need are the boots.
12:04Where are you from?
12:05I'm from Washington, D.C.
12:06What do you think of all the marches that happen in your hometown?
12:09What was the one where you climbed up on the light post?
12:11Gay pride.
12:12Did you get in trouble for it?
12:13No.
12:14Oh, that's dangerous.
12:15Have you ever climbed up a pole like that before?
12:17I've climbed a building.
12:18Just the outside of a building?
12:19Yes.
12:20Oh, Spider-Man ain't got shit on you.
12:22Definitely don't.
12:23Did you take any professional gymnastics training?
12:26No.
12:27Self-taught.
12:28I kind of thought for a split second that you might be Simone Biles in disguise.
12:33Oh, my God.
12:34I love Simone Biles.
12:35So do I.
12:36You a big Trump supporter?
12:38Ah!
12:39I don't like that name.
12:40Is that your kryptonite?
12:41No, I'm just Obama's my president.
12:44Well, he was all of our presidents.
12:45He still is mine.
12:46Do you think you'll ever get to meet Obama?
12:48I met Michelle Obama, so I think that...
12:50You met Michelle Obama?
12:51Yes, I have.
12:52Oh.
12:53I was this close to her.
12:54Beautiful and strong.
12:55Yes, and she smelled so, so good.
12:57What does she smell like?
12:58Like presidential roses or something.
13:01I don't know what that is, but yeah, yeah.
13:02Yeah, I just made it up.
13:04Do you have to watch your weight or no?
13:06Yeah.
13:07I can gain and I can lose easily.
13:09But if I feel your midsection?
13:10Yeah.
13:11Come on over here.
13:11I mean, I don't know.
13:12Oh, you're solid.
13:13Is that another ab?
13:15I didn't even know they had him up there.
13:16Yeah.
13:17That's impressive.
13:18There's a high ab.
13:20How long do you think you can do this?
13:21Because at some point, super bitches can get super old and it's going to be super sad.
13:25That's not going to stop me from getting my old ass up and putting on these pink boots
13:28and still fighting crime.
13:30What's your weakness?
13:31Men, okay then.
13:34That was a song.
13:36Oh, that is on me.
13:42I forgot to hit the button.
13:53Let's upgrade that suit.
13:54I thought I was getting a full upgrade.
14:05What are these?
14:07Those are called sneakers.
14:10They are going to help you move around so much quicker and they're comfortable.
14:14Don't worry.
14:15I'll put a little something extra in there in case things get dicey.
14:17Well, if it isn't super bitch, it's time to slay away the game.
14:36Your powers are no match for me, super bitch.
14:54Let's just finish it.
15:06Let's go.
15:07Senate Majority Leader Moscow Mitch, how did you tuck on your neck fed up in that suit?
15:24That's super Moscow Mitch to you, you flame it.
15:30I just feel about sip your ass.
15:38The bridge to Asgard is open.
15:43I wouldn't mind seeing Super Bitch become a Guardian of the Galaxy just to make Chris
15:47Pratt super uncomfortable.
15:48We'll be right back, but first everyone has the right to bear arms, but some people lack
15:54the grip.
15:59Nothing strengthens a father-daughter bond like hiding a camera in her bedroom.
16:23Now in case the cobweb in the corner didn't already tip you off, Halloween is just days
16:28away and it's the only time of year parents are legally allowed to emotionally scar their
16:33kids.
16:37When the kids get off the bus, I'm going to be laying on the floor and see their reaction
16:44with the bus.
16:45Oh!
16:46No!
16:47Oh!
16:48What?
16:49What?
16:50Come on.
16:51Mom!
16:52Mom!
16:53Mom!
16:54Mom!
16:55Mom!
16:56Mom!
16:57Mom!
16:58Mom!
16:59Mom!
17:00Mom!
17:01Mom!
17:02Mom!
17:03Mom!
17:04Mom!
17:05He traumatized her nips.
17:07nips, it's only fair she gets to give them PTSD.
17:14What'd you do?
17:16Take it out! Take it out!
17:19Are you ready?
17:26I'm gonna kill you!
17:28you!
17:30Whoa! Did her daughter say the F-word?
17:32Take those scissors and cut her tongue out for real.
17:35Now, how young is too young for Halloween Horror Nights?
17:53Hey, I don't blame him.
17:55Statistically, black people are the first to die in any horror scenario.
18:00There's more than one way to terrify your kid.
18:03Three!
18:05Two!
18:07Let's go!
18:09He's not getting his f-ing danger.
18:11Let's not get it.
18:13It's not funny, Jana.
18:15I'm gonna throw your phone in the f-ing garbage.
18:17Keep recording.
18:19Jana, let's go.
18:21If it's going in the garbage, your phone will be using garbage.
18:23Let's go, buddy.
18:25Get in the garbage in the bus.
18:27Who you gonna call?
18:28Child Services!
18:30Remember, it's okay to hit your kids if your hands are made of marshmallow.
18:34Enough torturing children.
18:36Let's focus on consenting adults.
18:39More like wet dream on Elm Street, am I right?
18:48We'll be right back with more of the Untitled Rebecca Remains Stamos O'Connell Project.
19:05Welcome back to the only TV show that hands out uncandied cigarettes to trick-or-treaters.
19:15Next week, I give you stoners a bowl full of legal advice.
19:18What do you say when the cop first pulls you over?
19:20Why'd you pull me over?
19:21And when he keeps asking questions?
19:22I'm not discussing my day.
19:24And they ask more questions?
19:25Am I being detained or am I free to go?
19:27And if detained, what do you say?
19:29I invoke the fifth.
19:30And then what do you do?
19:31You shut the f- up.
19:33Solid advice if you're Caucasian.
19:36Follow me on the four majors of social media.
19:38Get your tickets for the Tosh Saves the World charity show in Tucson
19:42with special guest Sara Tiana and regular guest Todd Glass.
19:46You can also see me in Vegas, Phoenix, West Palm Beach, Reno, and uh, let's just say Honolulu.
19:51What about down under?
19:52Sydney, Brisbane, and Melbourne, which I used to pronounce Melbourne like a real bogan.
19:57To make sure there aren't any more screw-ups while I'm performing down there,
20:01I've been teaching myself about your country slash continent.
20:04Did you know Australia was home to the ankylosaurus?
20:08Widely regarded as the stupidest of dinosaurs?
20:11Now, here's the Tosh Point oi oi oi Aussie video of the wiki.
20:15I might not know how to ski.
20:17One thing I didn't know how to do is fly.
20:27Hey, you better make sure it's a pow day if you're gonna lead with your face.
20:37That was in July.
20:39A strange hemisphere.
20:41All right.
20:43As a final Halloween treat, instead of one free book,
20:46you're getting the entire Goosebumps series, all 235 of them.
20:50You're really gonna have to zoom in.
20:52Good night.
20:57Good night.
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