- 2 days ago
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00:00You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, and, well, I just don't think I'm
00:15cut out for the priesthood. I think it's time you and I faced facts.
00:22Father, you're one of the best priests in the country, if not the best.
00:27Sumpter, sumpter, sumpter. What's happening from this? You know what I'm talking about, don't
00:34you? Yeah. Yeah, I... I suppose I do. I'll be off, then. I said I'll... Yeah, bye. Yeah, bye.
00:53Come here, you.
00:57Hey, bye. What? Would you like a peanut?
01:03Hmm? A peanut? You woke me down for me a peanut?
01:09God, Dougal. Oh, sorry, Ted.
01:13Go to bed.
01:16Um, no.
01:19Where were we?
01:19Mm.
01:20Hmm.
01:29Mm!
01:31Mm!
01:31All what?
01:34Mm!
01:36Mm!
01:36Mm!
01:37Mm!
01:38Mm!
01:38Mm!
01:39Mm.
01:40Mm!
01:41Mm!
01:44Mm!
01:44Mm!
01:44You ready?
02:10Here we go.
02:11One, two, three.
02:14Hey!
02:15They on.
02:16Oh, they are, Ted.
02:17Yeah.
02:18Oh, wait now.
02:19What?
02:20They've gone off again.
02:21Yeah, wait, wait, yeah, that's it, Ted.
02:22They're back.
02:23No, they're gone again.
02:24Right, one minute, Ted.
02:25No, keep it like that.
02:26No, gone.
02:27Oh, gone.
02:28Ted, that's it, Ted.
02:29Be a genius.
02:30Gone again.
02:31Wait, back.
02:32Gone.
02:33Back.
02:34Gone.
02:35Back.
02:36Dougal, just sit down.
02:37Oh, Ted, can I open another window on the advent calendar first?
02:40All right then, but remember you're just allowed to open today's window.
02:43Oh, Shepard!
02:44Great!
02:45Fantastic stuff.
02:46Oh, God, Ted, can I not open the other two?
02:49No, Dougal.
02:50Oh, God, Ted, I can't wait to find out what's behind tomorrow's one.
02:52I bet it's a donkey or something.
02:54All right, so you've changed from your initial prediction.
02:57What was it again?
02:58Rude Hullet sitting on a shed, wasn't it?
03:00God Almighty, Dougal, where do you get these things?
03:04Do you know what?
03:05I'd say it's probably just a lovely angel.
03:07What would you say is behind tomorrow's window, Father Jack?
03:10A pair of fuckin' women's liquor!
03:12Well, who knows?
03:16Nickels!
03:17Yes, Father.
03:18Women's nickels!
03:19Yes, Father.
03:20Yes.
03:21Message understood.
03:22God Almighty.
03:23Dougal, leave the calendar until tomorrow.
03:26There.
03:27Ah, dear.
03:28Another year gone.
03:29It's hard to believe, isn't it?
03:30I mean, what's it all about, Dougal?
03:33Well, it doesn't really have a story, Ted.
03:48You know, it's just about football and stuff.
03:50No, Dougal, I mean life.
03:54You know, you slave away attending to the needs of your parishioners.
03:58And what do you get?
03:59A one-way ticket to Palookaville.
04:01You know, I looked in the mirror this morning and I saw a middle-aged grey-haired man staring back at me.
04:16Who was that, Ted?
04:21Me, Dougal!
04:22Oh, yes, of course.
04:23It's just that I got a Christmas card yesterday from Father Jazz Flaffin.
04:26He's in Montana.
04:27He makes $50,000 a year and $2,000 in tips.
04:30Brilliant.
04:31How does he manage that?
04:32I don't know.
04:33Lap dancing or something.
04:34And then there's Father Buzz Dolan in Canada.
04:37He has his own Sean Cable.
04:38And I hear he's landed a bit part in the new Bond movie.
04:41It all started for him when he won that Golden Cleric Award.
04:43Wow.
04:44Must be great to be famous.
04:45Do you know what I love about being famous?
04:47People listen to you.
04:48They listen to what you have to say.
04:50And I have a lot to say.
04:52But what about when you're doing your sermons, Ted?
04:54People listen to you then, don't they?
04:56Ah, no, Dougal.
04:57I mean people I respect.
04:58I suppose the great thing would be to make a big speech.
05:06You see, you just talked right across me there.
05:08Even you don't listen to me.
05:09I do, Ted.
05:10Now, that's not fair.
05:11Well, I don't know, but it just seems to be that you can really get low.
05:13Anyway, I suppose I'm better go and beat Sam.
05:14He's been looking about sick recently.
05:15I always did a topic.
05:18So, Father, are you looking forward to Christmas?
05:21I am indeed, Mrs Doyle.
05:23A nice, quiet Christmas.
05:25That's what I want.
05:26A nice, quiet Christmas with no unusual incidents or strange people turning up.
05:30That would suit me down to the ground.
05:32A nice, quiet, normal, everyday Christmas.
05:39Oh, there's the door.
05:41I'm sorry.
05:56Is this Mrs Riley's house?
05:59No, Ed.
06:00That's just down the road.
06:02Oh, thanks very much.
06:13Who was that, Ted?
06:14Ah.
06:15It was just some woman looking for Riley's house.
06:17She had a baby with her.
06:19For a moment, I thought somebody had just left it on our doorstep.
06:21God, Ted, could you imagine what would have happened if she'd left it with us?
06:24Yes.
06:25We'd have been looking after it and everything and getting into all sorts of hilarious jams.
06:30The whole thing would have been very, very funny.
06:33Well, it wouldn't have been that funny, Ted.
06:36Actually, no.
06:37And the liquid's just come out here.
06:38Now, you've already punched in your selection from milk and sugar, so all the work is taken
06:49out of it, leaving the modern woman plenty of time for running a business sort of scheme.
06:53Simple flick of a switch and you can access coffee, hot chocolate or Horlicks.
06:57Yes, tea master really takes the misery out of making tea.
07:01Well, what do you think?
07:03Maybe I like the misery.
07:08Yes, I thought some perfume for Mrs. Doyle.
07:11Good idea, Ted.
07:12Perfume is the ideal woman present, isn't it?
07:15Yes.
07:16Well, that's why God invented perfume, so you don't have to put any thought into it whatsoever.
07:20Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
07:22Oh, they've got this great place, Ted, where you can put people who don't want to go shopping.
07:25They can just stay there and have a laugh.
07:28Really?
07:29Never heard of that.
07:30Were there other people there?
07:31Oh, loads of people, Ted.
07:32He'll be fine.
07:39Perfume.
07:40Perfume.
07:41You'd think you'd be able to smell it.
07:43Where exactly are we now?
07:45Well, we're in the, um, Hindi.
07:48Oh, God!
07:49We're in lingerie.
07:50We're in lingerie.
07:51What's the problem there, Ted?
07:53Think about the two priests hanging around near ladies' secret things.
07:57It just doesn't look good.
08:01Where is the exit?
08:04Oh, God, look.
08:05We're in bras.
08:06This way.
08:08Oh, no.
08:09More underpants.
08:10I mean, why do they need so many kinds of underpants, huh?
08:12I mean, what?
08:13Do they parade around on them looking in mirrors all the time?
08:15Billy!
08:16Terry!
08:17Ted!
08:18Ted!
08:19Ted Crilly!
08:20How are you?
08:21Good to see you both.
08:22We got a bit lost in the store.
08:23That's why we're here.
08:24Got a bit lost.
08:25I suppose that's why you're here as well.
08:26Lost?
08:27Uh, yeah.
08:28That's right.
08:29Yep, that's it.
08:30That's it, exactly.
08:31We were lost.
08:32We were lost.
08:33We were lost.
08:34We were lost.
08:35I don't suppose you know the way out of here.
08:36It's Ireland's biggest lingerie section, I understand.
08:39Really?
08:40Yeah, I read that somewhere.
08:42I think the best idea is for us to get out of here as quickly as possible.
08:46You know, four priests hanging around the frilly section.
08:49Yes, I see what you mean.
08:51Let's try this way.
09:02Wait a second.
09:03We've been here.
09:04I've been here.
09:05I remember these bras from the first time round.
09:06Oh, they all look the same to me.
09:07No, no.
09:08These ones have double padding and the black lace outline along with the little cotton
09:12supports and the extra string straps.
09:13If we pass by a bra with a middle arch support and single padding and the white lace outline,
09:17then I think we're on the right track.
09:19Someone's coming.
09:20Ted Crilly!
09:22God, are we glad to see you.
09:25What happened to you?
09:26We were looking for the toilets and we wanted in here by mistake.
09:29Hey, get out.
09:30It's huge.
09:31It's Ireland's biggest lingerie section, I understand.
09:33Mike, this is the situation.
09:34We have eight priests hanging around the lingerie section.
09:36If there's one or two of us, that'll be embarrassing.
09:39But eight, we're talking national scandal.
09:41What are we going to do?
09:42All the aisles look the same.
09:43Right, first thing, don't panic.
09:44We're in this thing.
09:45Let's try and get out of it.
09:46Okay?
09:47Billy, I want you on point.
09:48Father Cleary, Father Deegan, you take up the back.
09:50Let's go.
09:51And keep it quiet.
09:53Jesse is very smart.
09:54Oh don't.
09:55What's up?
09:56Seriously...
09:57You take it out, get in there.
09:58Show him up, okay?
09:59What is this?
10:00Yeah, I'm okay.
10:01I'll lay back in there.
10:02I can't wait.
10:03ennest shit, I'm up.
10:04You take it out of it.
10:05You take it out of it.
10:06You take it out of it.
10:08You take it out of it.
10:09You take it out of your mouth.
10:10And in there.
10:11You take it out of it.
10:12You take it out of it.
10:13You take it out of it.
10:14OK, hang in there, show him up, OK?
10:22What is it?
10:23I thought I hurt someone.
10:24Maybe I'm just going crazy.
10:26I've been in this damn laundry section so long.
10:29Go away.
10:34I don't think this knows.
10:35You take a rest, Father.
10:37Father Riley, you go on point.
10:40OK, Father Deegan?
10:42There's no way out.
10:43There's just no way out.
10:45They're going to get us.
10:46They're going to get us.
10:52Damn it, Deegan.
10:54I'm sorry.
10:55Hang on, hang on.
10:57You've got to expect this kind of thing in the priesthood.
11:00I only left the seminary two weeks ago.
11:02If they find out I'll never get a decent parish,
11:04they'll send me off to some bloody camp.
11:06What are we going to do?
11:08Listen, Deegan.
11:09I'm going to make you a promise.
11:10One day, you and I, we're going to be in that new parish of yours,
11:13sipping iced tea on the lawn.
11:15This will all be just a memory.
11:17Can you hold on to that thought?
11:19Can you do that for me?
11:21I was messing about with one of these prowls,
11:28and a strap flew back and hit me in the eye.
11:32Just in my ankle as well.
11:34Let's get you up.
11:35It's my stupid fault for messing with the prowls.
11:38Go on ahead, I'll only slow you down.
11:40Listen, we're a team.
11:41We're sticking together.
11:42Come on.
11:43Go!
11:44Go!
11:45Go!
11:46Go!
11:47Go!
11:48Go!
11:49Go!
11:50Go!
11:51Go!
11:52Go!
11:53Go!
11:54Go!
11:55Go!
11:56Go!
11:57Go!
11:58Go!
11:59Go!
12:00Go!
12:01Go!
12:02Go!
12:03Go!
12:04Go!
12:05Go!
12:07There's the exit.
12:08Thank God.
12:09God, look at all those people.
12:10They definitely see us coming out.
12:12Maybe if you actually buy some underpants,
12:14then it wouldn't look so strange.
12:16They're women's underpants.
12:18Oh, yeah.
12:19Sorry.
12:20Attention, lady shoppers.
12:22Gifts for husbands, like pipes and slippers,
12:25are now available on the first floor.
12:27Come here.
12:28Who's got the most boring voice?
12:30What?
12:31Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
12:33That'll be me, Ted.
12:34Listen.
12:35Listen.
12:36I have an awful, dreary, monotonous voice.
12:38Yes, yes, yes.
12:39Listen.
12:40Ted!
12:41Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
12:44No.
12:45He said boring.
12:46He wanted a boring voice.
12:48In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption.
12:52Listen.
12:53This is what we're going to do.
12:55What's going on?
12:56I think Ted has a plan.
12:58No.
12:59I mean in general.
13:00Oh.
13:01I can't find a way out of the laundry section.
13:03What?
13:06Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout,
13:10as the store is about to close.
13:13Hurry up.
13:14Come on.
13:15Hurry up, will you?
13:17Not that way for fix-sick.
13:18The other way.
13:20Move!
13:28Go!
13:29Go!
13:30Go!
13:31Go!
13:32Go!
13:33Go!
13:34Go!
13:35Go!
13:36Go!
13:37Go!
13:38Go!
13:39Go!
13:40Go!
13:41Go!
13:42Go!
13:43Go!
13:44Go!
13:45Go!
13:46Go!
13:47Go!
13:48Go!
13:49Go!
13:50What's wrong, Dougal?
13:51It's just three lads pointing at a star's head.
13:53That's a bit disappointing.
13:55Why?
13:56Well, what's that got to do with Christmas?
14:00Anyhow, there's nothing in the Catholic scandal supplement about the laundry episode.
14:03I think we got away with it.
14:05Hello?
14:06Craggy Island Parochial House.
14:07Father Ted Crilly speaking.
14:08Hello, Ted.
14:09Tom McCaskill here.
14:10Hello, Tom.
14:11How are you?
14:12And where are you?
14:13You left in an awful hurry.
14:14I'm in Rome.
14:15When are you coming back?
14:16When things have died down a bit.
14:17I might have to head off to South America for a while.
14:18You know she's going to write a bloody book about it.
14:19Ah, no.
14:20That's not fair.
14:21Did we ever catch up with you about that lords thing?
14:22It was looking a wee bit dodgy there for a while.
14:23Just let me stop you right there, Tom.
14:24That money was just resting in my account.
14:25I'm in Rome.
14:26I'm in Rome.
14:27I'm in Rome.
14:28I'm in Rome.
14:29I'm in Rome.
14:30I'm in Rome.
14:31I'm in Rome.
14:32I'm in Rome.
14:33I'm in Rome.
14:34I'm in Rome.
14:35I'm in Rome.
14:36I'm in Rome.
14:37I'm in Rome.
14:38I'm in Rome.
14:39I'm in Rome.
14:40I'm in Rome.
14:41Just let me stop you right there, Tom.
14:44That money was just resting in my account at the time.
14:47Shut up, dude.
14:49Anyway, Ted.
14:51We owe you a big favor for getting the lads out of trouble the other day.
14:54We'd like you to have a golden cleric.
14:57A golden cleric?
15:00You're not serious?
15:01I'm deadly serious.
15:03Oh, God.
15:04I don't feel worthy when I think of all the other priests who've won it.
15:07Oh, back toad!
15:09Hold their food, please!
15:12You deserve it.
15:14You managed to avert a very tricky situation and prevent another scandal in the church.
15:18Father Billy and the rest of the lads will drop the award over to you tomorrow.
15:22Oh, and is there...
15:23Sorry about this, but is there any sort of cash prize with that?
15:27I'm afraid not, Ted.
15:29We're a bit strapped for cash here at the moment.
15:32Anyway, see you soon.
15:34Dougal.
15:35Fantastic news.
15:36You're getting married.
15:37No, I'm not...
15:38Is that a joke?
15:39Er...
15:40Yeah.
15:41No, I'm being given a golden cleric award.
15:42Yay!
15:43Oh, God.
15:44I'll have to write a speech.
15:45You'll have to be absolutely brilliant.
15:46It's not every day you win an award.
15:47Award!
15:48No, no, father.
15:49You can't have an award.
15:50Why not?
15:51Award!
15:52Award!
15:53Award!
15:54Yes, father.
15:54Award!
15:55Yes, father.
15:56Yes, father.
15:57Yes, father.
15:58Award!
15:59Yes, father.
16:00Yes, father.
16:01Yes, father.
16:02Yes, father.
16:03There you are.
16:04Right!
16:17Photo, photo.
16:18Dougal.
16:19Take a photograph.
16:21You know...
16:22Oh, Ted, can I stay up tomorrow night to watch the scary film?
16:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
16:29The last time you watched a scary film, you had to sleep in my bed.
16:32I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even that scary a film.
16:33Come on now, Ted.
16:35A Volkswagen with a mind of its own.
16:37Driving all over the place and going mad.
16:39If that's not scary, I don't know what is.
16:42Dougal, it's a children's film.
16:44If you can't deal with that, how on earth are you going to be able to take a film
16:46about a burglar who runs into people's houses and kills everybody?
16:49Is that what this one's about?
16:50Yes!
16:52If you want to meet priests your own age, listen in on the latest gossip
17:17or simply have a bit of a laugh.
17:19Then call Prince Chatback and speak to priests.
17:23You want to know.
17:24One, two, three, two, one.
17:29One, two, three, two, three, three.
17:32Right I got the presentation case for my award. Oh great Ted fantastic. I think I'll put it here over the creaky floorboard
17:58any robbers come in and try to rob my award we'll hear them very few priests get this award you know
18:05it'll mean I'll be one of the top priests in the country when I get my award all right
18:09did you hear what I was saying there I'm one of the top priests in the country did you hear that
18:13I said it there just a second ago I did yeah well it's not before time father I always thought you
18:22were one of the best priests in the country thank you very much mrs. Doyle one of the best or maybe
18:28the best go on mrs. Doyle honestly would you say I'm the best priest in the country at the moment
18:33well you don't think I'm best piece in the country just say so I honestly won't mind I'd say you might
18:40be the second best I mean no it's it's all right I'm not the best priest in the country I'm honey
18:48the second best there's somebody better than me apparently father I was just thinking of those
18:53priests who work in very poor areas oh yes of course those lads father Archbishop Desmond Tutu
18:59and the likes well I think Archbishop Tutu is a Protestant man oh right oh great so Protestant is
19:08better than me no no there's no need to continue this I'm not the best I'm just second best apparently
19:14the Golden Cleric is a runner-up prize well I'm so sorry obviously I'm just an idiot obviously I can't
19:20even say mass properly father I was no don't take it back that's what you said you said I'm not the
19:25best priest in the country that's fine just want to know where I stand obviously now I'm gonna have
19:29to jack it in I'm leaving the priesthood I'm going to write a letter to Bishop Brennan asking for early
19:36retirement and maybe when I go you can ask the other priest father Peter perfect the perfect
19:41priest to come here and you can work for him since he's obviously such a great priest
20:11second best priest
20:13second best priest
20:17second best priest
20:19second best priest
20:21second best priest
20:23second best priest
20:25second best priest
20:27second best priest
20:29second best priest
20:31second best priest
20:33second best priest
20:35Second best priest, second best priest, second best priest, second best priest.
20:46Sorry about that.
20:48But you need it. Wait till I get you.
20:52Wait till I get you now, you little puppy.
20:56I'd say, Father, that you might be the second best priest in the country.
21:00The second best priest.
21:02Ah-ha-ha, wait till I get you. Come back here to me, get it.
21:07I don't want to tell you, little puppy.
21:09I'm not going out with you. You're just the second best priest in the country.
21:14The second best. The second best.
21:32And speak to priests. You want to know.
21:42Welcome to priest chat back if you are under 18 or not a priest please hang up now
21:58if you wish to speak about the Pope's visit to Mexico say yes now if you want to speak
22:05about being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out exactly why say yes now
22:10oh wait yes yes hello hello hello is that being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out
22:17exactly why no this is how to break the news of a death we were just talking about techniques I say
22:23it's best to just get it over with quickly your husband's dead and he's not coming back get used
22:28to it yes but sometimes a few little hints help like remember how your husband used to love a good
22:35laugh my problem is that I should be on top of the world because I've been given an award but the
22:41fact of the matter is that I stupid priest this is a priest only line are you a bunch of wakers
22:49father while you were out for your walk we had a phone call I think you were supposed to do a funeral
23:01today the funeral I completely forgot about it it's all right father Maguire said he'd do it
23:10it's no use I'm just so excited about Christmas I can't sleep duel you'll never get to sleep like that
23:36what are you up to yourself Ted I'm just writing my speech for tomorrow god it's brilliant so far
23:50what do you put in speeches you'd normally thank everybody wouldn't you no not in this case Dougal
23:55you see I got this award through my own initiative in hard graft so there's nobody else to thank you
23:59except myself actually that's a good idea I'll thank myself wow is that the speech no these are just the
24:07notes really see here for example this is a list of people who've really faked me over down the years
24:13father Jimmy Fennell he really needs taking down a peg or two and father PJ Clabbert oh wait a minute
24:21he's on the wrong list he's on the wrong list you should be under liars rather than twats last I get a
24:27chance to shine to stand out to be recognized I recognize you look Ted no do I mean recognition of my
24:37my abilities of my achievements all right and what achievements are these shut up Dougal um hope Larry
24:55Duff's coming catch my big moment I shall give him a call hope he makes it Larry's tremendous fun you
25:02know he loves award ceremonies oh wait no he's on holidays well I won't disturb him anyway I'm gonna try
25:32and get to sleep one more time it's no use Dougal here's a good way to get to sleep just try and
25:39empty your head of all thoughts I'll give it a go but I really don't ah brilliant a load of people in the
26:01stables head it's the one thing I didn't expect to learn to go to open your presents oh wow presents
26:10I completely forgot about the presents first the calendar now presents can't get any better than this
26:15ah brilliant happy Christmas Mrs. Doyle oh father you shouldn't have what is it
26:27it's a
26:30you know I was racking my brains trying to think what would Mrs. Doyle really love for Christmas and then I thought you know
26:40something to take the misery out of making tea
26:44yes Mrs. Doyle the days of housekeepers making tea are over we can't live in the dark ages
26:49you've made your last cup of tea in this house
26:51you've made your last cup of tea in this house if I know people the way I think I do she really loves that present
27:12how did you know I know don't think I hadn't noticed those little hints you left lying around the place
27:29present present present present present present come on come on happy Christmas back off
27:36who could that be ceremony isn't until two father it's
27:47Ted hello there I haven't missed the ceremony have I no no not at all you haven't changed a bit you're a rascal
27:56and uh and you look at you you haven't changed either what well what about the hair all right
28:06well the hair it's a it's a it's a different shape color color color yes of course it it used to be
28:13red brown blonde hello there hello there are you back I suppose he's totally all about me
28:20yes no who are you who am I who is he hey tell you what why didn't you stick the old name and address
28:35in the uh the book you know especially the name very important that you write the name very very
28:39clearly I'd love to tell but I can't really write you see one time last year I was running with scissors
28:44and it fell and the nerve that controls handwriting was completely severed
28:50father are you not going to introduce me to the new father all right right of course
29:02actually I tell you what see if you can guess
29:08come on have a go godfather sure it could be anything
29:13still though give it a try
29:21father andy riley no
29:28father desmond coin
29:30father george byrne father david nicholson father dicklin lynch i'll give you a clue no close
29:38i'll get it in a second
29:40father ken sweeney father neil hannan father keith cullen father kieran donnelly father
29:46mick mcafoyle father jack white father henry big bigging father hank tree father hiroshima twinkie
29:53father steek bubble card father johnny helzapotten father luke juk father billy furry father chewie louie
30:01father john hoop father harry cake linem father abula conundrum
30:10father peewee stair master father jemima rack tool father jerry twig father spud okamoto
30:20father canna bram a lammer father todd anxious yes
30:23well
30:25well
30:27Is that it really? Did she get it?
30:37Ah, come on, Ted, you knew already.
30:39Yes, of course. I was just amazed that she got it in, wow, well under an hour.
30:45Well done, Mrs Doyle.
30:48So, Todd.
30:51Todd, Todd, Todd.
30:52Old Todd. There you are now, Todd. Good old Todd.
30:56How are you getting on there, Todd?
30:57How are you fixed for a cup of tea, Todd?
30:59Oh, would you prefer a hot toddy, Todd?
31:02Anything you want, Todd. Anything at all, Todd.
31:05Todd.
31:06What time is the ceremony, Ted?
31:08Well, Todd, it's not really a ceremony. I'm sure it'll be just a very plain, simple affair.
31:15Oh, get mad feedback here, Sean. Sean.
31:22Excited, Ted.
31:23Yes, it's something to tell the grandchildren about.
31:28No, you need to be in a class than that.
31:31OK, well, you'll need to cue me. I'll be looking, sir. Also won't be able to see the others.
31:35OK, no problem. So, up, look, down.
31:43Tell you what, change the dominance to cameras.
31:47Sorry, I'm sorry, what's your name?
31:51Sean. Sean. Sorry, I don't mean to get it to you, but I just need you there on the day.
31:55You know, a second or two and I'm dead out here.
31:57Is anybody organised round here?
31:59You don't want to talk to me. Do you want to talk to that priest over there?
32:01Who? Over there.
32:02Deluxe. When the rhythm kicks in and the song reveals itself through the counter-rhythm,
32:08I want you there and I want you ready. OK?
32:11Anyhow, where's Todd? I thought he wanted to see this.
32:13Hi, who's Ted and who's Dougal?
32:15I'm Ted and that's Dougal there.
32:17I'm Dougal. He's Ted.
32:19I need you over to stay, Father.
32:21Why does he need you by the stage?
32:23He must mean me.
32:25Look.
32:27Look.
32:28Down.
32:29Ted.
32:30Dick Mayo.
32:31Hello.
32:32Congratulations to the Golden Cleric.
32:33Thank you very much.
32:34Ted, have you ever thought about doing any television work?
32:36Well, it had to cross my mind.
32:38Yes?
32:39Do you have an agent?
32:40No.
32:41I'll tell you what.
32:42Give this idea a call.
32:43He's done wonders for me.
32:44Well done, man.
32:45Father Eric Sweeney.
32:46Right!
32:47The parochial house is burnt down.
33:13Pink.
33:15Take.
33:16Thanks, Frank, Drake.
33:18Drink.
33:19Drink.
33:20Drink.
33:21Drink.
33:22Drink.
33:23Drink.
33:24hot.
33:25Good afternoon, and welcome to the fifth annual presentation of the Golden Cleric.
33:37Every year, the Catholic Church gives an award to a priest for outstanding achievement.
33:42This year's winner is someone who's overcome controversy in the past,
33:47when rumours of financial irregularities threatened his career in the future.
33:51No, no, no, no, no!
33:52But following a fair investigation, no formal charges were ever made against him.
33:55But he was just resting in my account.
33:57Even though authorities were confused by what they saw as bizarre irregularities in his accounts.
34:03Not enough of that now.
34:04But he's overcome all these personal setbacks to become this year's Golden Cleric.
34:08Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Father Ted Crilley.
34:12I hope he doesn't start going on about himself and set him all scores in public.
34:20Well.
34:22Well, well, well.
34:24I, uh, I see some familiar faces here today.
34:29Some welcome, some not so welcome.
34:32It looks as if I've had the last laugh,
34:34and a lot of people who really didn't think I had it in me to become a brilliant priest.
34:39Well, what I say to those people is, look at me now.
34:43But eventually, I got out of his headlock.
34:45And now, where are you, Father Eamon Hunter?
34:47Working with some pygmies in the South Seas.
34:50And where am I?
34:51Here, accepting a Golden Cleric Award.
34:54For being a top priest.
34:56Yes, of course.
34:57He thought it would be a great idea.
34:58Great fun.
35:00To pour water on this young novice's mattress.
35:02But, of course, 30 years later, the smile has been very much swiped off Father Barry Kiernan's face.
35:09And now, we move on to liars.
35:17Father Peter Sorrenton.
35:20Father Desmond Cairns.
35:21Remember him?
35:22Well, um...
35:24Great speech, Ted.
35:26It went well, didn't it?
35:28And you mean to tell me you was wandering around in there for three hours?
35:33Yes.
35:34It's Ireland's biggest lingerie section, I understand.
35:37Tea for everyone.
35:39All right.
35:40No, Mrs Doyle, you can put that away and relax.
35:42We're going to try out the tea master.
35:44How does it work, Ted?
35:45But can I not just put the milk in?
35:47No, you see, what you do is just leave the cup there,
35:49slide in one of these cartridges here,
35:50and the teacher's comes out there.
35:52That's fantastic.
35:54Yes, well, now that I've won an award,
35:56I can hardly be seen drinking tea that's just been made in a pot.
35:59The idea.
36:09It just seems too good to be true.
36:12What's the catch?
36:16I'm sorry, Father.
36:17Your voice is just so boring, I couldn't concentrate on my chest.
36:20Well, I do have an incredibly boring voice.
36:27I was just saying.
36:30What's the catch?
36:34Sorry, didn't get it there either.
36:36Ted!
36:36I've been thinking about the tea master thing.
36:39There must be some sort of a catch.
36:41What?
36:42Oh, no.
36:43There's no catch.
36:43No, just watch this.
36:55You see?
36:56Perfect.
36:57I want out!
37:03Father, actually, there's someone there.
37:06What?
37:06There's actually someone...
37:07Are you all right there, Father?
37:08Yes, but it's actually quite hard to breathe.
37:12If you could just...
37:13What?
37:13I really am finding it quite hard.
37:14Just get up.
37:15What?
37:16Dougal, put on that music.
37:18What?
37:18Put on the music that makes Father Jack stand up.
37:20What?
37:30Sorry about that.
37:32Up!
37:33Up!
37:33Up!
37:34Father Jack likes us all to stand up when that bit of music comes on.
37:37Up!
37:38Sing, sing!
37:42CHOIR SINGS
38:12Again! Again!
38:14Father, will you have a go at this with me?
38:17Get away!
38:18No, Father, it's just a bit of fun.
38:20Ah!
38:30Yes, well, we sort of thought Father Jack was jumping through that window a little too often.
38:35That's why we put in the plexiglass.
38:37Anyway, my speech. What did you think of it?
38:40We all have a look at the Christmas film.
38:42Yes!
38:44That was Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
38:47And now a special extended Latin mass from St. Martin's Cathedral in Dublin.
38:53Oh, great. Mass.
38:57Mass.
38:57God, I just remembered, I'm supposed to be doing something terribly important.
39:18And the thing I'm supposed to be doing, I just remembered, I've got to telephone this fella on death row that I befriended recently because he's being executed tomorrow for mass murder.
39:30So, you know, I would say he's pretty low at the moment.
39:33God almighty. And did he do it?
39:34I don't know. Yes.
39:36Yes. No. Yes.
39:38Do you want any help talking to him?
39:41Because he might get hysterical and start crying.
39:43And I could say, pull yourself together, man.
39:45All right.
39:46There's been a big accident, so I should go too.
39:49I've got a phone call there.
39:53While you were all...
39:55somewhere else.
39:58Right, so, we're all off, sir.
40:02Father Unctious, you're coming too? I could get you a lift.
40:04Uh, no. I'll stay a while.
40:07Oh, great. Mass.
40:10Father Alton Crosby is doing it.
40:11I'm a huge fan of his.
40:13He gives good mass.
40:16He what?
40:17He really, he really knows how to work the altar.
40:20Look at that chalice work.
40:22Effortless.
40:23Oh, well, we'd be off, sir.
40:24See you all soon.
40:25Right, see you.
40:26Great.
40:27God bless, sir.
40:28Bye.
40:29Thanks for coming to the award ceremony where I got my award.
40:57Now, on BBC One, the director's card of Jurassic Park with extra dinosaurs.
41:13Well, that was a fantastic day.
41:15Oh, it was, Ted.
41:16It was a brilliant day.
41:17Fantastic fun.
41:18I'd say it was one of the best Christmas days ever.
41:21Dougal, I was being sarcastic.
41:23Oh, right.
41:24Eh, so was I.
41:25And who's that fella, Todd Unchis?
41:29I didn't invite him.
41:30Did you?
41:31Eh?
41:31No, that's right.
41:32I barred you from inviting people to the house after that tramp stayed for a week.
41:36Remember that when I was away?
41:37Dougal, that wasn't a tramp, Ted.
41:38That was the Prime Minister of France.
41:41No, Dougal.
41:42He'd just lie to you.
41:46Todd Unchis.
41:47I don't remember him at all.
41:48Who the hell is he?
41:49Maybe he had a nickname, like, you know, Terry Wogan.
41:52Terry Wogan?
41:53What's his nickname?
41:55What?
41:56You mean that's his real name?
41:59Anyway, don't worry about it, Ted.
42:01He'll be gone in the morning.
42:06There you are.
42:08Hello there.
42:19Look at you, lying in there like a big eejit.
42:23Well, here we all are now.
42:28All the lads.
42:30Just like in the old days, eh?
42:32You remember all the fun we used to have in the showers?
42:40Do you still have the big old hairy arse?
42:46Fluff, Todd.
42:47That wasn't hair.
42:48That was a bit of downy fluff.
42:51Oh, God.
42:52Memories.
42:53Do you remember the time you all mitched off to the Diana concert?
42:56I couldn't go because I was recovering from a massive car accident.
43:01Did I show you the scar?
43:04There you are.
43:06See that crescent shape there?
43:08God, yes, yes.
43:09And that series of tiny little indentations all along me inner thigh.
43:13That's really, really, um...
43:15They run the whole way up to me groin.
43:16What if you go to the pictures?
43:19I really fancy seeing a good film.
43:20Ah, Ted, it's half past one in the morning.
43:23Right.
43:23You go off to sleep.
43:24I was just wandering around.
43:25Sometimes I can't sleep and I need a good walk to calm myself down.
43:29You don't mind, do you?
43:30No, no, no, no, you do that.
43:32All right, so.
43:33Good night.
43:34And...
43:35Happy Christmas, Ted.
43:41God almighty, dude.
43:59I'm not going out of this room until tomorrow.
44:00I don't want to risk bumping into that weirdo in his nudiness.
44:04Good night, dude.
44:05Good night, dude.
44:11Get away from that award!
44:23Take off!
44:26Just you, Father.
44:28Listen, um, turn off the light before you come up, won't you?
44:30And, uh, please, don't slam the door.
44:41Oh, God!
44:51Yeah!
44:54Ha, ha!
44:58Oh, God!
45:04Oh, God!
45:05Oh, God!
45:07Oh, God!
45:09Oh, God!
46:12There's a dangerous burglar in the house.
46:13What?
46:14There.
46:15In this very room.
46:16Hiding.
46:17A burglar?
46:18In the room, you say?
46:19My God!
46:20Yeah.
46:21In fact, I think it's safe to say the burglar is definitely in the room.
46:24Indeed?
46:25There he is!
46:26Where?
46:27Man!
46:28Harry!
46:29Dougal, Dougal, Dougal, you'll have nightmares.
46:34Dougal, I thought I told you not to watch that film.
46:41Ted, no.
46:42I wasn't watching a Ted.
46:43I just came down to carry the milk around.
46:46Go on, Dougal.
46:47I'll go up to bed with you.
46:48All right.
46:49Hello, Your Holiness.
46:50President Robinson, well done on everything.
46:56Mr. De Niro, Bob, Bob, I loved you in Godfather 2.
46:57Todd?
46:58HE STUCKLES
46:59HE STUCKLES
47:01HE STUCKLES
47:03HE STUCKLES
47:04HE STUCKLES
47:08Hello, Your Holiness.
47:09President Robinson, well done on everything.
47:12Mr. De Niro.
47:14Bob, Bob, I loved you in Godfather 2.
47:18Todd?
47:22HE STUCKLES
47:25He won't be doing any more burglaries where he's going.
47:29Where's that?
47:30Well, prison.
47:32Yes, of course. Sorry.
47:34But, Sergeant, tell me, how did you know so much about me?
47:36I'm curious about that myself.
47:38Unctious, if that's your real name.
47:40I already told you it wasn't.
47:42How did you know so much about Father Crilly?
47:44Is this off the record?
47:46Of course.
47:47Well, I was in Selridge a few days ago.
47:50Got talking to this old priest in a bar.
47:52He was a bit cagey at first, but a few shots of JD,
47:57and he was singing like a bird.
48:00The Golden Cleric, they call him.
48:03Giving it to an old pal of mine, Ted Crilly.
48:08Met him on Dolly Mount Strand.
48:11As I listened, a plan formed in my head.
48:14We drank long into the night.
48:16Me paying a course.
48:18Him spilling his guts on the subject of a certain father.
48:21Tad Crilly.
48:23He's got a mane of white hair.
48:26Kind of like you'd get on a mule.
48:29Used to wet the bed and send columns.
48:33Big, hairy ass.
48:38The longer he talked, the better it got.
48:42Lives with a pig ignorant old-timer named Jack Hackett.
48:47And a poor, strange, idiot boy.
48:51What?
48:53After that, all I needed was the right costume.
48:57All of nowhere.
48:59Goddamn housekeeper.
49:02What a pain in the ass.
49:11Perfect.
49:12But you're a priest. I mean, why?
49:14That's a long story.
49:16I used to be like you.
49:18A completely average, bog-standard, run-of-the-mill cleric.
49:21And then I won first prize in the County Westmead Priest of the Year competition.
49:26I guess it went to my head.
49:29After that, I started hitting the altar wine too hard.
49:32Going easy on people and confession.
49:35Getting back-handers for doing quicker masses.
49:42All I wanted was trophies and prizes.
49:45But the one that really got me hard was the golden cleric.
49:48No, no, no, no, Todd.
49:49What I was going to ask you is, you're a priest.
49:51I mean, why did you take the other priest's clothes?
49:54No, I don't know.
49:55He was just going that way.
49:59Well, I've got bad news for you so-called Todd Unchus.
50:03That wasn't off the record.
50:05I'm using that as evidence against you.
50:08Ah, that's completely unfair.
50:11Take him away.
50:13Thanks, Sergeant.
50:16There'll be a reward in this, Father.
50:19You both should be very proud of yourselves.
50:23A reward?
50:24Not such a bad day after all.
50:26Well done, fathers.
50:28Now...
50:33That's a handy old thing you have there, Mrs Doyle.
50:42Modern technology.
50:43It's brilliant, isn't it?
50:44It is indeed.
50:45And thanks again, Father.
50:47It's the best Christmas present ever.
50:50What about the tea machine?
50:52Oh!
50:53Yes.
50:54I'll go and crank it up right now.
50:55Oh, no.
50:56I don't like the sound of that at all.
50:57I'm sorry, Mrs Doyle.
50:58We're just going to have to get it fixed.
50:59Oh, no, Father.
51:00Don't, please.
51:01What?
51:02Father, I love the whole tea making thing.
51:03You know, the playful splash of the tea as it hits the bottom of the cup.
51:09The thrill of adding the milk.
51:10And watching it settle for a moment before it filters slowly down through the cup.
51:14Changing the colour from dark brown to a lighter brown.
51:21Perching an optional Jaffa cake on the saucer.
51:22Like a proud soldier standing to attention beside a giant cup of tea.
51:28And the beautiful splash of the tea as it hits the bottom of the cup.
51:31The thrill of adding the milk.
51:32And watching it settle for a moment before it filters slowly down through the cup.
51:35Changing the colour from dark brown to a lighter brown.
51:38Perching an optional Jaffa cake on the saucer.
51:42Like a proud soldier standing to attention beside a giant cup of tea.
51:52Oh, just think, Father.
51:54Remember all the great times we had when I used to make the tea?
52:03Tea, Father.
52:05Great.
52:06Tea, Father.
52:08Thanks, Mrs Doyle.
52:10You're right, Mrs Doyle.
52:12You know, tea out of a machine is like milk out of a baby's bottle.
52:15The baby doesn't want it out of a bottle.
52:16He wants it out of his mother's...
52:17Anyway.
52:18Why don't you just go and make us both a nice, normal cup of tea?
52:19Right-o, Father.
52:20And don't you worry.
52:21It'll be tea-rific.
52:22Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
52:52Hard graft and attending to the spiritual needs of your parishioners, you know that Todd Unkshire's fellow that could have been me
52:58really
53:00That explains a lot
53:02No, Dougal, I don't think you picked up on what I meant there. I
53:06Could have been a bad priest. You know could have been lazy arrogant not giving a damn about the needs of my parishioners
53:12Ted, it's mrs. Gilcuddy. She wants you to do one of those remembrance masses. I'm not in
53:18Okay, bye
53:22You know, Dougal, I'm sorry about my recent silliness, you know
53:28You deserve this award as much as me. Really? Thanks Ted. That's great. Thanks very much
53:33Why don't you just leave it in the case? Oh, you better I suppose. Yeah, and
53:37My name on the plaque we won't bother changing that. All right. I know the awards mine, and that's good enough for me. Yeah
53:44It's not gonna have a bath. You know help me calm down after the day, okay
53:52What are you doing just having a bit of a laugh
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