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00:31All right, are you ready, Dougal?
00:33Ready when you are, Ted.
00:34You'll like this, Dougal.
00:35Okay, here I come.
00:43Who are you supposed to be, Ted?
00:45What are you doing?
00:47You two can't go as Elvis.
00:49You...
00:50Wait a second.
00:52You're Elvis as well.
00:54Of course I'm Elvis.
00:55I've got Elvis written on my back.
00:57I don't believe this.
00:58Bit of a coincidence all right there.
01:00Great minds think alike, I suppose.
01:02I've been saying for the last two weeks that I was going as Elvis.
01:05Ah, that's probably where I got the idea.
01:08This is great.
01:09This really is the first all priests, stars in their eyes, look-alike competition I thought I had a chance of winning.
01:14I've even cleared a space for the trophy, besides the one we got for coming third in the Ludo Championships.
01:18You might still win, Ted, you never know.
01:21And what if you're on before me?
01:22I look a-needit.
01:23Everyone will think I copied the idea off you.
01:26Well, Ted, to be fair now, it is a bit weird you happen to think of it as well.
01:31Right, right.
01:32I'll just have to go as Mother Teresa again.
01:37Who are you supposed to be?
01:41Elvis.
01:42I'm Elvis.
01:43I'm Elvis.
01:44I'm Elvis.
01:45I know you're Elvis, Father.
01:47We're all Elvis.
01:48That's the problem.
01:49It's a good one, Father's.
01:51Thackles!
01:52Oh, there's nothing lighter than a cup of tea in the afternoon.
01:56You look a bit different, Father.
01:59Have you had a haircut or something?
02:01No, I'm Elvis Presley.
02:03Are you, Father?
02:05Oh, that's a turn up for the books, anyway.
02:07It's for the all priests look-alike show tomorrow.
02:09Oh, now I see.
02:11Well, I must say I'm looking forward to that.
02:13Is Father Kiernan coming?
02:15He won't be, no.
02:16He's a great laugh.
02:17I remember him last year telling all his stories.
02:20He had me in stitches.
02:22You know, it is true what they say about chubby men, isn't it?
02:25They are jollier than the rest of us.
02:27They have a way of looking at things.
02:28He shot himself.
02:30Did he?
02:31Yeah, that's terrible.
02:34I suppose that's often the way with fat men, isn't it?
02:36They laugh to hide the tears.
02:38But, you know, that's life.
02:40Happy one minute and the next I suppose you just go and shoot yourself and that's that.
02:44Anyway.
02:45Tea.
02:52Hello?
02:53Ah, Ted, how are you?
02:54Dick Byrne here.
02:55Ah, hello, Dick.
02:56How are things on Rugged Island?
02:57Oh, not so bad.
02:58You all set for tomorrow?
02:59The competition?
03:00What have you got planned?
03:01Ah, I shouldn't say.
03:03That would be giving you an advantage.
03:04Mother Teresa.
03:05No.
03:06I do think you might be him with a chance of winning this year.
03:09Oh.
03:10Well, do you really, Dick?
03:12No!
03:15Who is that, Dick?
03:16Look, Dougal.
03:17I'm asking you one more time.
03:18Don't go as Elvis.
03:19Huh?
03:20Look, I've been looking forward to this for ages.
03:21I know all the moves and everything.
03:23And remember who's judging this year.
03:25Who's head?
03:26Henry Sellers.
03:27No.
03:28He's coming here.
03:29Oh, wow.
03:30I told you this, Dougal.
03:31Father Dunn is bringing him over.
03:33I've never met a celebrity before.
03:35You met the Pope?
03:36Did I?
03:37Don't you remember when we were in Rome?
03:40That was the Pope?
03:41That fella living in the art gallery.
03:43The Vatican, Dougal.
03:44That's the Vatican.
03:45All the same.
03:46I wouldn't say he's a celebrity, like in the true sense of the word, you know.
03:49The Pope is God's representative on earth, Dougal.
03:52You think he'd be taller?
03:53What, like a giant?
03:54Still though, Henry Sellers coming here.
03:56Henry Sellers!
03:57Dougal!
03:58Dougal, calm down!
03:59We have to concentrate on the Elvis problem.
04:00Look.
04:01We'll toss for it.
04:02Whoever wins can go as Elvis.
04:03OK.
04:04All right.
04:05Right.
04:06Heads or tails?
04:07Heads or tails, Dougal?
04:08Heads.
04:09No, tails.
04:10Heads.
04:11Heads.
04:12No, tails.
04:13Heads.
04:14Heads.
04:15Heads.
04:16Heads.
04:17No, tails.
04:18Heads.
04:19Tails.
04:20Heads.
04:21Dougal, you have to give me a chance.
04:22It's the only choice between the two.
04:23Sorry about that, Ted.
04:24I just got a bit excited there.
04:26You go again.
04:27Heads or tails?
04:28Heads.
04:29Are you sure?
04:30Absolutely posse.
04:31Tails.
04:32Heads.
04:33Tails.
04:34Heads.
04:35Dougal, calm down.
04:36Tails.
04:37Heads.
04:38Tails.
04:39Dougal, are you all right?
04:40I am.
04:41I am.
04:42I'm fine, Ted.
04:43I'm just not the best at making decisions.
04:44Look.
04:45Or am I?
04:46Tell you what we'll do.
04:47You toss the coin.
04:48I'll take heads.
04:49Heads it is.
04:50Go ahead.
04:51Forget it.
04:52Forget it.
04:53Forget it.
04:54Forget it.
04:55Forget it.
04:56Forget it.
05:01Yes.
05:02Ted.
05:11Henry's on.
05:12Ted.
05:13Back to you, Monica, for a five-point question.
05:18The capital of England.
05:20Is it New York?
05:22London?
05:23Or Munich?
05:25I'll give you a clue.
05:30You live there.
05:32There.
05:33Ah, Jane.
05:34Do you know?
05:35I leaned on the button by the sky.
05:36He's great, isn't he, Ted?
05:37Henry.
05:38And he'll be here any second.
05:39Are you excited, Ted?
05:40Henry Sellers.
05:41Look at him there, asking the questions.
05:42Stitch in time saves how many?
05:43Sorry.
05:44London?
05:45London?
05:46Any idea why you left the BBC, Ted?
05:48Ah, look, Ted, why don't you be Elvis?
05:49Since you thought of it first, I suppose it's only fair.
05:50I don't know.
05:51Why did you leave here any second?
05:52Are you excited, Ted?
05:53Henry Sellers.
05:54Look at him there, asking the questions.
05:55Stitch in time saves how many...
05:59Sorry.
06:00London?
06:01Any idea why you left the BBC, Ted?
06:04Ah, look, Ted, why don't you be Elvis?
06:05Since you thought of it first, I suppose it's only fair.
06:10Any idea why you left the BBC, Ted?
06:14Ah, look, Ted, why don't you be Elvis?
06:16Since you thought of it first, I suppose it's only fair.
06:20I'll go as Mother Teresa.
06:24I'm sorry, Dougal.
06:26I'm being very selfish. I'm sorry, you go as Elvis.
06:29No, Ted, it's not fair on you. You had your heart setting it.
06:32No, seriously, you go as Elvis.
06:34Really? Great, thanks, Ted.
06:36Unless you'd prefer to go as Mother Teresa.
06:40Ah, no, not really. Anyway,
06:42there's only one Mother Teresa, and that's you, Ted.
06:49Thanks, Dougal.
06:50Oh, well, at least I'll have the honour of taking care of Mr Sellers.
06:53It's important that we be extremely nice to him.
06:55That'll improve our chances of winning 100%.
06:57We'll have to fill him up with food and drink till it's coming out of his ears.
07:01And you'll be nice to Mr Sellers, won't you, Father?
07:03Father, are you all right?
07:10Ah, no.
07:12Not toilet duck again.
07:18You know what that does to you.
07:21You'll be seeing the pink elephants again.
07:24How many fingers am I holding up to you?
07:26Three!
07:31Hmm, maybe you're not too bad.
07:33Probably getting immune to it by now.
07:35That'll be him. That's Henry. Oh, God.
07:37He's here.
07:39Hello there.
07:41Henry Sellers.
07:43Father Ted Crilly, it's a great honour to have you here, Mr Sellers.
07:46Oh, and it's lovely to be here, too.
07:49Hello, Father, um...
07:52Sorry, this is Father Dougal Maguire.
07:55Dougal, say something to Mr Sellers.
07:59How old are you?
08:01Dougal, don't be asking Mr Sellers how old he is.
08:04Ah, that's quite all right. I'm 37, Father.
08:07And this is Father Jack Hackett.
08:10Hello, Father.
08:11Hello, Father.
08:12Hello, Father.
08:13Hello, Father.
08:20Bye, Father.
08:22He's just gone for his walk.
08:24Now, is there anything we can get you, Mr Sellers?
08:27Um, call me Henry.
08:29Well, um, if you had, um, something to eat.
08:32Maybe, maybe a sandwich.
08:35Mrs Doyle, some sandwiches.
08:36Right, Father.
08:38Ahem.
08:41Is there something wrong with your head?
08:42Dougal!
08:44What?
08:45No, it's just his hair looks a bit...
08:46Dougal!
08:48Wait, I didn't say anything.
08:49It's just Henry's hair looks a bit mad.
08:51Is... is...
08:53Is Father...
08:54Is Father done with you?
08:55Oh, yes, he's just bringing in...
08:56Oh, there he is.
08:58Ted!
09:00Barty.
09:01Good to see you.
09:02Sit down there.
09:03It's good to be on Craggy Island again.
09:08Ha!
09:10God, I haven't seen you in ages.
09:13Ha!
09:14I remember the last time I was here.
09:16Ha!
09:17Ha!
09:19We had that funny incident.
09:21Remember?
09:22Ha!
09:25I suppose...
09:26I suppose you've forgotten all about it.
09:28Ha!
09:29Ha!
09:30Ha!
09:31Ha!
09:32Ha!
09:33Ha!
09:34Ha!
09:35Ha!
09:36Ha!
09:37What...
09:38What...
09:39What is this?
09:40The last time Father done was with us, Father Jack lost his slippers.
09:42Ha!
09:43Ha!
09:44Ha!
09:45Ha!
09:46Ha!
09:47Ha!
09:48Ha!
09:49Ha!
09:50Ha!
09:51Ha!
09:52Ha!
09:53Ha!
09:54Ha!
09:55Ha!
09:57It was a bit like the type of thing, you know.
09:59Ha!
10:00Ha!
10:01Ha!
10:02We've found them after a while.
10:03It was a bit like...
10:05Ha!
10:06Ha!
10:07Oh Lord.
10:08How long was the car journey?
10:09Four hours.
10:10Ha!
10:11Ha!
10:12And with the thing there, ha!
10:15Ha!
10:16I suppose it must be ha!
10:17Ha!
10:18So what's it like being a television star?
10:19Ha!
10:20Huh!
10:21Well...
10:22Oh it must be!
10:23Ha!
10:24Ha!
10:25It must, it must be.
10:30I must say, Henry, we're just so delighted to have you here.
10:33Is there anything else we can get you?
10:34No, no, I'm fine.
10:36Some more sandwiches?
10:38No, uh, oh!
10:40We've got some more in.
10:41No, no, no, no, I'm fine, absolutely fine, thank you.
10:45Everything okay with your hair?
10:46Now, Dougal, can you stop talking about Henry's hair?
10:50I'm sorry, Henry, it's just, your hair is so natural-looking,
10:53Dougal can't stop talking about it.
10:55It really is a beautiful head of hair.
10:59Anyway, what I was saying was,
11:00anything you want at all, just ask for us, we can get it for you.
11:04There's no problem there, and I mean anything.
11:06Anything that you want, anything that you want
11:08that will be at all possible for us to get you,
11:10just ask for it.
11:12And I mean anything.
11:15There's no problem there, Todd, anything.
11:18Well, actually, I have been having a bit of trouble
11:20getting the English papers, I wonder would it be possible...
11:21Except the English papers.
11:24Anything you want, anything else, just ask.
11:26Except, obviously, the English papers.
11:27Well, you wouldn't have the number of a Father Dick Byrne at all.
11:31You'd be making a mistake if you went to visit them.
11:33Oh, well, why is that, Father?
11:37They're lepers.
11:40They're what?
11:42They're lepers. The three of them are lepers.
11:44Rugged Island is a leper colony.
11:45A leper colony?
11:48You're not serious.
11:50Well, no, it's not leprosy.
11:52But there's something wrong there.
11:54Do you ever think how strange it was?
11:56Three priests living alone on an island like that?
11:58No, I suppose...
11:59Oh, no, there's something not quite right there.
12:01You'd be better off staying with us.
12:03Ted, could you tell me where the old...
12:06You know, the old...
12:08The old he-he is up the stairs and it's first on the leper.
12:12Oh, thank you very much.
12:14It's a wig.
12:15Time for a little nightcap.
12:23Oh, and you're running out of sandwiches.
12:25I'll bring in some more.
12:27I won't have a sherry, thank you.
12:29Don't be silly now. Of course you won't.
12:31No, no, no, really, I shouldn't.
12:33Go on, it'll help you sleep.
12:35No, no, no, it's not a good idea. You go ahead.
12:37Just a little drop. Just a teeny tiny bit.
12:40The day a little bit of sherry hurts anyone
12:42is the day Ireland doesn't win the Eurovision Song Contest.
12:45Go on.
12:48No, no, no, really, I shouldn't.
12:50Go on, go on, go on, go on.
12:53Go on.
12:55Go on, go on.
12:56Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.
13:01No, seriously, I can't.
13:03Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.
13:15Oh, what a shower of bastards!
13:24Oh, Lord Ted, why did you give him a drink?
13:27I didn't know this had happened.
13:29That's why they sacked him from that program.
13:31He's a terrible alcoholic.
13:33He's been on the wagon now for a year.
13:35Oh, my God, Ted, how was I supposed to know?
13:38Sack me!
13:40Sack me!
13:42I made the BBC!
13:48I made it!
13:51Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better.
13:53Get away from me, priest!
13:56The thing is...
13:57At this time you should all head up to bed.
14:00I put that in, it was never-ending on anyway.
14:02I'll give it a kick myself.
14:03Do you want to fight?
14:04Oh, I'd love it all.
14:07Bloody priests!
14:09Bloody sanctimonious scumbags!
14:12Absolutely!
14:13Made my life a bloody misery!
14:16Well, sorry about that, Henry, but are you sure you wouldn't like to go to bed?
14:20Well, maybe we could stay up a bit longer, perhaps.
14:22Oh, I'm fed up with you bastards!
14:25I'm getting out of here!
14:26Don't you try and stop me!
14:29Ah!
14:30It's true what they say though, isn't it?
14:35You should never meet your heroes.
14:37You'll only be disappointed.
14:43Imagine if we weren't able to get him back.
14:45He'd be like Bigfoot, except he'd be a BBC television presenter.
14:49Do you see him?
14:51There, by the trees.
14:55Caught him!
14:58There he is.
15:01I'm terribly sorry about all this, Sergeant.
15:03Ah, no problem, Father.
15:04I've been through it before.
15:05Rock stars, actors, television personalities.
15:08They go off the drink and the drugs, and they come over to places like this.
15:11The solitude can get to them.
15:13What happened to this fella?
15:15He was fine one minute.
15:17And then he took a sip of sherry.
15:19Relapse.
15:20That's when they're at their most dangerous.
15:22Right, you ready?
15:23I want you to bang these together.
15:25Shout a bit.
15:26That'll scare him out of the woods, so I can get a clear shot at him.
15:29You've got to shoot him.
15:30Tranquilise our dark, Father.
15:32It'll just put him to sleep for a bit.
15:34Still, it seems a bit extreme.
15:35It's the best way, Father.
15:37Believe me.
15:38Well, you know best.
15:41God!
15:42This reminds me of Vietnam.
15:44Have you gone to Vietnam?
15:45Oh, no, no.
15:46I mean, you know, the films.
15:47Are you all right?
15:48Let's go.
15:49Come on, Henry.
15:50Go on.
15:51How'd you come?
15:52There.
15:53Come on.
15:54It's Jack.
15:57I've got a clear shot of him, Father.
15:59Do you want me to get him?
16:01No.
16:02Let him go.
16:03He'll make his own way back.
16:04Look at him go.
16:05Beautiful.
16:06Oh, my God.
16:07My head.
16:08There you are, Henry.
16:09A nice cup of tea.
16:10What?
16:11Oh, my God.
16:12Where am I?
16:13What happened last night?
16:14I remember having a sip of sherry.
16:15Nothing to worry about.
16:16I hope I didn't do anything to embarrass you, Father.
16:17Dougal.
16:18You.
16:19Oh, my God.
16:20My head.
16:21There you are, Henry.
16:22A nice cup of tea.
16:23What?
16:24Oh, my God.
16:25Where am I?
16:26What happened last night?
16:27I remember having a sip of sherry.
16:28Nothing to worry about.
16:29I hope I didn't do anything to embarrass you, Father.
16:32Dougal.
16:33Oh, you were fine, Henry.
16:34I expect that will be Father Dick Byrne.
16:35You know, I kind of feel sorry for him, though.
16:36Marooned on that island with those eejits.
16:37And they have absolutely nothing in common.
16:38Absolutely nothing in common.
16:39Hello?
16:40Hello, Dick.
16:41Ted, we were just talking about you.
16:42Really?
16:43Yeah, we were just saying how great you were.
16:44Really?
16:45No.
16:46Hilarious.
16:47I was just calling to make sure you're going to turn up tonight.
17:02Why wouldn't I turn up tonight?
17:04Oh, well, you know.
17:06Might be a little embarrassing to come last again.
17:10We won't be coming last, Dick.
17:11It's you who'll be coming last.
17:12In fact, I thought we might have a little bet on tonight.
17:16bet on tonight but your money where your mouth is Ted what are we talking about
17:20here a pound two pounds five pounds five pounds what's the matter dick you
17:30scared of course I'm not scared five pounds it is see you tonight well I'd
17:36better go and get myself cleaned up for tonight you know brush me teeth it's
17:40strange I have a very strange taste of raw meat in my mouth I don't know why
17:44that is right you are Henry five pounds I must be insane we haven't a hope in
17:52hell why can't we all go as Elvis because we all look the same doodle anyway
17:57Jack will be in any moment looking for his afternoon drink there he goes bang on
18:04time
18:07Teddy looks very rough we'll have to get him sobered up if he's going to do this
18:11contest no Dougal wait leave him I have an idea
18:18biggie plate guitar
18:31fantastic
18:34you know he looks a bit like ha ha ha he won't mind me telling you this now ha ha ha ha no no no
18:57anyway Henry marks for father Coyle very good I'll give him seven out of ten
19:03bastard
19:05so that means that the lads from rugged island are still in the lead
19:14with nine out of ten so a big hand for Diana Ross and two of the Supremes
19:19brilliance
19:24won't start celebrating yet remember we've still got one more act to go oh yes so ladies and gentlemen
19:30Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on to the stage the lads.
19:38Father Ted Crilly with Father Maguire and Father Hackett.
19:47Elvis Presley was a simple truck driver from America,
19:51but one day in the 1950s he invented rock and roll.
20:00I remember this a moment.
20:26in your mouth.
20:28Elvis became famous,
20:30then they forced him into the army,
20:32then he came out, and ten years later
20:34he came back with a comeback special.
20:56Elvis was back!
20:59From then until the end of his life
21:01he played in Las Vegas
21:02and became once again
21:03the king of rock and roll.
21:19Ladies and gentlemen,
21:20that was The Three Ages of Elvis.
21:26Fantastic!
21:31Lord God Almighty!
21:33Three Elvises!
21:35Well, Henry, over to you for the final marks.
21:56Brilliant, Ted. It was fantastic.
21:59Thanks very much, Barty.
22:05Five pounds, Ted.
22:06Hard luck, Dick.
22:07Did we not win, Dick?
22:09No, you didn't win, Cyril.
22:10This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island.
22:13Never mind.
22:14Never mind.
22:15I think you've every chance of winning next year.
22:16Do you really, Ted?
22:18No.
22:20Come on, Cyril, let's go home.
22:22I must have set him whisky.
22:24Twenty of whisky at home, Father.
22:28That's Cyril McDuff's an awful eejit, isn't he, Ted?
22:30Here we are now.
22:32Oh, well, since I didn't make a fool of myself the last time,
22:35I might as well have a glass of champagne.
22:37Cheers.
22:38Henry, no!
22:40Don't worry, Father, Cyril.
22:42If I can't celebrate tonight, Cyril, when can I, the bastards?
22:47What the hell is going on?
22:48How dare they do this to me?
22:50How dare they sack me?
22:52I'm Henry Sellers!
22:54I'm Henry Sellers!
22:59Well, there he goes again.
23:00Right there, Ted.
23:02Never mind.
23:03We can look for him in the morning.
23:04Anyway, well done again, Dougal.
23:05What do you think of the trophy?
23:06That's great.
23:07It's all because of you, Ted.
23:09Put it there, Dougal.
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