- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:30It looks like rain, Ted.
00:44Come on, Dougal. It's your go.
00:46I must say, Father Hernandez, it's been wonderful having you over.
00:50But I expect you're getting homesick for Cuba by now.
00:52Yes, my paella is more or more so.
00:56Yes, my country is very beautiful.
01:01But, Ted, you have a great life here on Craggy Island.
01:08You have two good friends, Father Dougal and, of course, Father Jack.
01:17Yes, but I must say, I miss the noise and the lights.
01:20And, you know, the whole buzz of the big city.
01:24You were in Wexford, weren't you?
01:27I was, yes.
01:31Well, Craggy Island has its charms.
01:33The west part of the island was beautiful.
01:34Until it drifted off, of course.
01:38Drifted off?
01:39Yes, there was a bit of a storm and it just came loose.
01:42Now we don't have a west side, it's just north, south and east.
01:46But it was lovely while it was there.
01:47You know, Ted, your housekeeper is a very beautiful woman.
01:58Sometimes this celibacy is hard for a man.
02:01Yes, well, you have to take the rough of the smooth, I suppose.
02:11Bishop Brennan springs to mind.
02:13I see.
02:13Oh, yes?
02:14Yes, Bishop Len Brennan.
02:16He's our kind of boss.
02:17Apparently, he was at the old himself and the union was blessed, so they say.
02:27No.
02:28No.
02:29He knew in India.
02:29Boy, oh, good.
02:30His son, he lives in America, or so goes the rumour anyway.
02:33Was it Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick?
02:41What?
02:44Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick.
02:46You have Colonel Mustard, you showed him to me earlier.
02:49How can it be Colonel Mustard if you have Colonel Mustard?
02:51All right.
02:55Father Hernandez, your goal.
02:56Si.
02:57Yes.
02:59I think it was...
03:01The Reverend Green with the knife in the drawing room.
03:10Those Protestants, up to no good as usual.
03:14What's Father Jack looking at?
03:16What's that you're watching, Father Jack?
03:18What?
03:19Is that a film you're watching?
03:20What?
03:21Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?
03:23What?
03:24Is that Flatliners you're watching?
03:26What?
03:26Is Father Jack a little hard of hearing?
03:30What?
03:31Yes.
03:33He gets a kind of waxy build-up in his ears.
03:36And then we have to syringe them.
03:37It's not very nice.
03:38It's great, though, in a way, because, you know, we're never short of candles.
03:41What?
03:46Well, that was in his head last week.
03:51And there's a few more over there.
03:54We've nearly enough for a papal funeral.
03:55He's a sort of one-man candle factory.
03:59Aren't you, Father Jack?
04:00What?
04:00What?
04:01To be honest, he can hear well enough when he wants to.
04:04Watch this.
04:05Father Jack, would you like a glass of brandy?
04:09Yes.
04:11Oh, you see, he's a terrible man.
04:13Brandy!
04:15Brandy!
04:15All right, all right, all right, all right.
04:17Now, say when.
04:19Huh?
04:19Say when.
04:20Huh?
04:21Tell me when you want me to stop pouring.
04:22Huh?
04:23Oh, all right.
04:23That's it, is it?
04:24You sure don't any more?
04:25Yes, yes, yes.
04:26Hello, Craggy Island Parochial House.
04:30Father Ted Crilly speaking.
04:32Ah, hello, Bishop Brennan.
04:33How are you?
04:35Yes, no, all right, good, yes.
04:37All right, of course, yes.
04:38Goodbye, bye, so.
04:40That's the boss.
04:41He's coming over.
04:41He wants to talk to us about something.
04:44Come on, we better finish this.
04:45This must be the longest game of Cluedo I've ever played.
04:47How long are we at it now?
04:48Five hours?
04:51Ted, should there not be some cards in here or something?
04:56I have no words to say how thankful I am.
05:10That's a bit ungrateful, Ted.
05:13Don't you worry, Father Hernandez.
05:16However, I do have some gifts from the people of my village.
05:21Please, do not laugh at this simple example of Cuban handicraft.
05:26It's a video recorder.
05:30Yes, I'm sorry.
05:31It's a very basic model.
05:34It is only a three-week prerecord facility.
05:37Don't worry about that, it's great.
05:39Thanks very much, Father Hernandez.
05:40It's wonderful.
05:43And for you, Ted, I have something very special.
05:49You really shouldn't have.
06:03You really shouldn't have.
06:04It is a Cuban fertility symbol.
06:09I hope it brings you as much luck as it brought me.
06:15Yes?
06:16Eh?
06:17Eh?
06:18My friend?
06:19Oh!
06:20No, no.
06:21Yes.
06:21Well.
06:21Yes.
06:22Yes.
06:23Aye-yos, Ben.
06:31Come on now, Dougal.
06:32The bishop will be here any minute.
06:34All right.
06:34Now, do you remember what I told you?
06:36Huh?
06:37It's very simple.
06:39On no account to you to mention what we were talking about last night.
06:42All right, yeah.
06:44What were we talking about last night, Ted?
06:46You know, the rumours about the bishop's little mistake.
06:50All right, yeah.
06:52What mistake was that now, Ted?
06:55His son.
06:55His son in America.
06:57Oh, yes.
06:59He's a son.
07:01In America.
07:03Yes, well, so they say.
07:04Right, right.
07:05Well, that's news to me, Ted.
07:11We were talking about it last night, Dougal, to Father Hernandez.
07:16Who?
07:18Oh, right.
07:19The Cuban lad.
07:19Yeah.
07:20He gave us a video.
07:23The bishop, you remember?
07:25Right, okay.
07:25Just forget all about it.
07:26Just forget about it.
07:27Just do not mention the son.
07:29Have you got that?
07:30I have, Ted.
07:31The lights are on, but there's nobody home.
07:36Father Crilly, Bishop Redden is here.
07:38Hell's bells.
07:39Right, show him in.
07:40Dougal, now remember.
07:41Not a word about the son.
07:45Hello.
07:46Oh, Bishop, how are you?
07:47Come on in.
07:48Sit down.
07:49Sit down there, Your Grace, beside Father Tougal.
07:52Mrs Doyle, some tea, please.
07:54Oh, certainly, Father Crilly.
07:55Yeah.
07:56What, how are you?
07:59Ah!
08:01Oh, sorry.
08:05Somebody?
08:07Oh, I'll see you.
08:07I'll see you.
08:07It's standing up.
08:09Oh, okay.
08:13Mr Doyle, some tea.
08:14I'll see you.
08:15I'll see you.
08:16Awww.
08:17What?
08:182 s-s-s-s-spy-s-s-spy.
08:19I'll see you.
08:20You can get it out.
08:21What's up?
08:22I'll see you.
08:22how's the son
08:28what the son of God
08:31how's the son of God
08:32how's everything in the world of religion
08:34the world of religion what the hell are you talking about
08:37well you know oh Mrs Doyle
08:38here I am
08:42oh isn't this grand
08:44I'm fine thank you Mrs Doyle
08:46will you not have a cup of tea Bishop Lennon
08:48no I am not going to stay I want to get right to the point
08:50and get the hell out of here
08:51are you sure you won't have a cup
08:53I am certain thank you
08:54oh one have a cup
08:56no thank you
08:56now look what everybody else is having a cup
08:58would you not have one yourself
08:59I do not have the time
09:00you'll feel left out
09:02you'll be Bishop Piggy in the middle
09:04I'm fine I am fine
09:06are you sure you won't have a cup just a drop
09:08no
09:09Bishop Piggy in the middle
09:13just say yes your grace
09:15it's quicker believe me
09:16all right then yes
09:17I grant so
09:19well I hope you're not doing too much damage here huh
09:24Jack
09:25are you behaving yourself
09:27thank you
09:29what did you say
09:31your grace
09:32what brings you to these parts
09:33thinking of sending us back to our parishes
09:35fat chance
09:36you're here until I tell you otherwise
09:38you think I let Jack back
09:41into a normal parish
09:42after the wedding he did
09:44enough long huh
09:45yes but surely
09:47I'm all right
09:48no no no
09:49no no you were here
09:50all of that money is accounted for
09:52I didn't know what happened to that money
09:54enough
09:54you went to Las Vegas
09:57whilst that poor child
09:58was supposed to be in Lourdes
10:00and as for this
10:04cabbage
10:05the mere idea
10:08of letting him back
10:09into the real world
10:10after the Black Rock incident
10:12yes that wasn't
10:13the amount of people's lives
10:15irreparably damaged
10:16there were only nuns
10:17nuns are people too
10:20my god the strings I had to pull
10:22to stop the Vatican getting involved
10:24I do not want to talk about it
10:25I just want to get this film business
10:27over and done with
10:28film what film
10:29this blasphemous film
10:31the passion of St. Tibulus
10:33now his holiness has banned it
10:36but because of some loophole
10:37the bloody thing is showing on this god
10:38for a second dump
10:39oh yes that's right
10:40is it any good do you know
10:41I don't care if it's any good or not
10:44all I know is that we have to be seen
10:46to be making a stand against it
10:48I have been brought back
10:49from my holiday in California
10:51to sort it out
10:51and that's where you
10:54and Larry and Moe come in
10:55what do you mean
10:57well I know that normally
10:59you wouldn't be able to organise
11:00a nun shoot in a nunnery
11:02but despite that it's up to you
11:04to make the church's position clear
11:06make some kind of a protest
11:08at the cinema
11:08even you should be able to manage that
11:10oh thanks very much
11:12listen this is very serious
11:14don't make a balls of it right
11:15I'll be in touch
11:17your grace
11:18that
11:18this
11:19this isn't really
11:20my area
11:21nothing is your area
11:22Crilly
11:22you do not have an area
11:24unless it's a kind of a play area
11:26with sandcastles
11:27and buckets
11:28and spades
11:29now do what you're told
11:30right
11:30bye now
11:35look at this
11:40this is silly
11:41there's nobody here for God's sake
11:42ladies and gentlemen
11:44I am pleased to say
11:45we have a treat in store today
11:47for all ye fans of French cinema
11:49is this subtitled
11:50pardon
11:51is it subtitled
11:53or is it dubbed
11:54it's subtitled
11:55ah my shit
11:57shall we start the protesting now
12:00or what
12:01yes I suppose so
12:02or maybe we should just stay
12:04and see a little bit of the film first
12:05no let's just get it over with
12:07ah maybe it's not too bad Ted
12:08it could be another commitment
12:10it doesn't matter whether it's good or bad Dougal
12:13it's the morality we don't agree with
12:15right let's go
12:16boo
12:18boo
12:19stop that now
12:20boo you bad
12:21who is this
12:22dirty funky beggars
12:24boo
12:25boo
12:26oh Ted
12:29father Dougal
12:30tis yourself
12:31hello Michael
12:32how are ya
12:33oh I'm grand
12:34how's father Jack
12:35oh we haven't seen him since we had the last Sharon Stone season on
12:38he's grand
12:40he's a bit tired so we won't be along today
12:41alright
12:42but you're making a fierce racket
12:44it's a long story
12:45we have the bishop over
12:46you know
12:47Len Brennan
12:48oh
12:49that gobshade
12:50yes he was going mad because of the film
12:52aye and he told us to come down here and kick up a bit of a fuss
12:54alright yeah
12:55oh but there's only one thing though
12:56you're sort of disrupting the show
12:59we're not are we
13:01oh god
13:01I'm awfully sorry Michael
13:03oh no no no
13:04no trouble at all now
13:05but if you could keep it down a little
13:07I mean
13:07we have to think of other people
13:09no problem
13:11you can count on us Michael
13:12Michael
13:14Michael
13:14I don't suppose you'd
13:16you could throw us out
13:17just so we could tell the bishop
13:19oh
13:20no problem
13:21do you want to go now
13:22I sure know we might as well stay and see the film first
13:24so I'll throw you out after the film
13:28grand
13:28grand right
13:29and um
13:29we're still okay for the um
13:31half price
13:32no problem
13:34enjoy the film
13:35ooh
13:38now you
13:40what was all that about
13:47you're asking the wrong person there Ted
13:50I couldn't make head nor tail of it
13:53I know for a fact
13:55that St. Tibulus wore more clothes than that
13:57he was from Norway or somewhere
14:00he'd have frozen to death
14:01and do you remember that bit
14:04when St. Tibulus
14:05he tried to take that banana
14:06off the other lad
14:07that wasn't a banana
14:09Dougal
14:09anyway
14:11let's get some sleep
14:13give us a bee please Bob
14:19Beethoven
14:21give us a C please Bob
14:23carnivorous
14:26F please Bob
14:29oh god
14:30not blockbusters again
14:32pettuccine
14:346am
14:37great
14:38another 8 hours sleep
14:40you awake Ted
14:45huh
14:46this is fantastic isn't it
14:49another great lie in for the lads
14:50it is
14:52do you know what it'd be terrible Ted
14:55wouldn't it be terrible if Bishop Brennan came in
14:57and he told us to go down to the cinema
14:58and start protesting again
14:59this is ridiculous
15:08the flipping place doesn't open for another 7 hours
15:11Ted Ted what about what the Bishop said
15:14didn't he want us to chain ourselves to the railings
15:16how are we supposed to do that
15:17well O'Leary's might have something
15:19right you go and get something
15:21I'll uh
15:22I'll just stay here and guard a closed cinema
15:24against anyone who might want to watch a film
15:26that doesn't start for another 7 hours
15:28Jack
15:33what the hell are you up to
15:34why aren't you at the film
15:36Faker
15:37what did you say
15:41listen to Dad
15:45do you see my bag anywhere
15:46my traveling bag
15:47hmm
15:47well if you do see it
15:50would you give it back to me
15:51it's got my bloody passport in it
15:53and uh
15:54everything
15:55right
15:58what's
15:59what's
16:00what's
16:01what's
16:02what's
16:03what's
16:04what's
16:05what's
16:06what's
16:07what's
16:08what's
16:09what's
16:10what's
16:11what's
16:12what's
16:13what's
16:14what's
16:15what's
16:16what's
16:17what's
16:18what's
16:19what's
16:20what's
16:21what's
16:22what's
16:23what's
16:24what's
16:25what's
16:26what's
16:27Are you going to stand there all day, you fat old bitch?
16:33Don't talk to me like that, you big pile of shite.
16:37You ignorant prick.
16:39You watch that mouth of yours.
16:41I'll watch nothing.
16:42I'll stick this up your arse.
16:44Ah, father do you.
16:47Hello, you two.
16:48Father, how's Trix?
16:50We haven't seen you in a while.
16:51We were just going to have some tea.
16:54Will you have a drop?
16:55No, thanks, Mrs O'Leary.
16:56No, I'm fine.
16:57Well, what can we do you for, father?
17:00Well, I was looking for a pair of handcuffs, actually.
17:03A pair of handcuffs?
17:05Yeah.
17:05What do you need them for?
17:06Oh, nothing much.
17:07They're for me and Ted.
17:10You and father Ted?
17:11Yeah.
17:12We're just trying something out.
17:14Well, actually, funny enough, I think we do have a pair.
17:18Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
17:20Retired from what?
17:21From the police.
17:23The police?
17:24Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
17:26Um, he was, yes.
17:30Why do you think he wore the uniform?
17:32Oh, I thought he was just having a laugh.
17:35Anyway, um, here's the handcuffs.
17:37Okay, thanks.
17:38Great, great.
17:39Bye now.
17:40Bye, father.
17:41Down with this sort of thing.
17:43Careful now.
17:44Down with this sort of thing.
17:46Hello, father Crilly.
17:47Ah, hello, Jim.
17:48Part of a guy.
17:48Hello.
17:49I've seen your picture in the paper.
17:51What?
17:52Here, have a look.
17:53Ah, so it's a blasphemous film, father, is it?
17:58Oh, it is.
17:59What type of thing is it?
18:01Mad stuff.
18:02It's very immoral, Jim.
18:02You wouldn't like it.
18:04Is it a type of nudie thing, father?
18:06You wouldn't believe the amount of nudity in it.
18:09You see, the lot do you find, or is it just the top half, you think?
18:12Nothing is left to the imagination.
18:15Great.
18:16Well, I'll be off.
18:18Goodbye, Jim.
18:21Hello there, fathers.
18:22Ah, hello, Mrs Sheridan.
18:24Mrs Glynn.
18:24The Passion of St Tybule is, what's that?
18:26Is it a Western or a musical or something?
18:28We always go on Tuesdays.
18:29It gets us out of the house.
18:30Oh, we saw a great one a few weeks ago.
18:32The Crying Game.
18:33Oh, it was brilliant.
18:34Oh, but there was this great bit in it, you see.
18:36There was this girl, and then you find out it's not a girl, but a man.
18:40Well, he got his lad out.
18:41What?
18:42Yes, he got his lad out.
18:43Only you only see it for a second, but you get the message.
18:46Right?
18:46No, but it was at first.
18:47It's so long since I've seen one.
18:49I thought it looked rather like your billies.
18:51Look, Sir Taww.
18:52Billies is rounder at the top.
18:54Cheerio, father.
18:58Can we be stopping them going in, or what, Ted?
19:00It just goes to show, Dougal, nobody takes a blind bit of notice of what the church says anymore.
19:04Hello, Pat.
19:05Father Crilly, hello.
19:06How's your wife?
19:07I hear she hasn't been well.
19:09She's dead, father.
19:11That's terrible.
19:12When did she...
19:13Oh, just a couple of hours ago.
19:15Really?
19:16Yes.
19:17Anyway, that's just the way it is.
19:19What's the film like, father?
19:23What?
19:23Is it any good?
19:24I was reading about it in the paper.
19:26I don't think you should be thinking about going to a film if your wife has just died.
19:30Sir, I might wander in.
19:31I'll contact you about the funeral details later.
19:37Well, fathers, I must say, this is extraordinary.
19:41This is the most successful film we've had since Jurassic Park.
19:44It's breaking all sorts of records due to all this publicity over your protest.
19:48Well, you certainly didn't plan it that way.
19:50Oh, my God.
19:50Would you look who it is?
19:51Ha!
19:52Oh, thank God.
19:55A bit of support in that.
19:56Fair play to you, fraternity.
19:58Come on, father.
19:59I'll get you a seat.
20:00Right.
20:04Right, Dougal.
20:05I've had enough of this.
20:06We're leaving.
20:07Give me the keys.
20:11Keys?
20:18What's this, then, your grace?
20:19Why am I looking at a globe of the world?
20:22Well, how can I explain?
20:25Firstly, a resume of the last few days.
20:28Now, I don't know if you remember, but I came in here with the idea of you making a dignified protest about this film.
20:35Do you remember that?
20:36Yes, yes.
20:37Good.
20:37You know, just to show the church's opposition to the film.
20:40But, and this is the part that I find most interesting.
20:45You have actually made this film the most successful film ever shown here.
20:49Isn't that great?
20:50Huh?
20:52I mean, people are coming from all over the country to see the film.
20:55They're even coming from Gdansk to see the film.
20:58And look at this.
20:59Look, look at that.
21:00Look.
21:01There's you.
21:02There's Forrest Gump.
21:03And there's Father Jack actually watching the film.
21:08Now, there's a turn up for the books.
21:09What?
21:09Right.
21:11Now, I think the best thing would be for ye three to continue your careers as priests come film promoters outside of my jurisdiction.
21:20Huh?
21:21Now, Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America.
21:25Hmm?
21:25What part do you think?
21:27Well, um, Las Vegas.
21:30Oh, I'm sorry.
21:31I'm sorry, Ted.
21:32I meant South America.
21:34Oh, look, you see, there's a lovely little island off the coast of Suriname.
21:37And they have a couple of tribes there.
21:42You're going to love this.
21:44And they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907.
21:48And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in a spirit of Christian harmony.
21:53But I think that you are the man.
21:57Well, thanks very much.
21:58No need to thank me.
21:59By the way, do you know how to make arrows?
22:02No.
22:03Well, not to worry.
22:04Not to worry.
22:04It'll come to you.
22:06Now, Doble.
22:07Over to you.
22:08Isn't it funny how some of these places in the Philippines can keep on going without a proper sewerage system?
22:15Hmm?
22:16Right there, Your Honor.
22:17Now, Jack, where can we send you?
22:19Huh?
22:20Jack, wake up.
22:21Bishop, I wouldn't do that.
22:22You shut up.
22:23Jack, wake up.
22:26Wake up.
22:28I've got you, Jack.
22:30I've got you.
22:31Oh, my God.
22:32If you think this place is bad, wait till you see your new parish.
22:36Just wait until you see.
22:40Well, that's it then.
22:42I suppose all we can do now is pack.
22:47Ted, I don't want to go to the Philippines.
22:50I mean, I can't even spell the Philippines.
22:51I know it begins with an F, but I know, I know.
22:55If only there was some way we could persuade the Bishop to change his mind, if only we had something we could bargain with.
23:00I don't know.
23:01What's that, Jack?
23:02Did you get a film?
23:05The last thing I want to watch now is a film.
23:08Well, that was great, wasn't it?
23:36You're right there, Ted.
23:39Um, should we phone him now or will we watch it again?
23:42I think we'll watch it again.
Recommended
24:23
|
Up next
24:23
24:23
24:43
24:06
21:24
18:58
24:17
23:50
25:07
24:31
23:35
24:02