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00:00Tosh.0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience.
00:04Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them.
00:09Enjoy.
00:30Maybe it's time we shut the up about how awful things are in Chicago.
00:41Welcome to Tosh.0.
00:43In a year where everything is shit, the Miami Heat were the one shining beacon on the hill.
00:49So let's have one positive wardrobe during the season of mourning.
00:53That's why I'm repping Hall of Favor, seven-time All-Star, two-time defensively.
01:00Player of the Year, Miami's all-time block leader, and second in rebounds with a career
01:06earnings of $143 million, Alonzo Morty!
01:16Tonight, I grill this meathead, I solve America's greatest public health crisis, shit in your
01:22pants, and this week's lucky SOB.
01:25Now, I think we all knew this was going to happen when COVID shut down the circuses.
01:30Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, mask, mask.
01:37Oh, we're getting one of those annoying Amber Alerts.
01:41Ah, they should start putting rewards on these alerts.
01:44Bet a lot more missing kids would turn up.
01:47He wants his ransom paid in unmarked bananas.
01:50I assume he's working for Ghislaine Maxwell.
01:53Get on it, QAnon.
01:56This is how foreign adoption agencies fill their orders for infertile and or lazy Americans.
02:01Moving on.
02:03Am I ever going to get in trouble for my segment, Amasians?
02:07That's Asians doing amazing things.
02:09What flavor popsicle is that?
02:15Neutrogena?
02:16Looks like a bar of soap.
02:18Yo!
02:20Sailor!
02:23Well, that wasn't sexy at all.
02:27Shouldn't he be trying to kill James Bond?
02:31Wait for it.
02:33There she goes.
02:34She's hitting you, huh?
02:35I get the same feeling trying to watch Westworld.
02:39It's so confusing.
02:41I mean, how hard can that be?
02:43I'm known for having the deepest throat on television.
02:46I think it's time for I'm better than you.
02:48Na-na-na-na-boo-boo.
02:49Stick your head in doo-doo.
02:52All right, popsicle challenge with zero brain freeze.
02:55Let's do this.
02:56I'm better than you.
03:17Na-na-na-boo-boo.
03:18Stick your head in doo-doo.
03:19Hit you with a twofer.
03:21That's Amasians and Na-na-na-na-boo-boo.
03:23Two franchise bits for the price of none.
03:26Okay, Boris, we're at the bathhouse for the gay sex.
03:30Not to watch your little tricks.
03:35The width of that pool made little to no difference.
03:40A back one-quarter flip with virtually no splash.
03:46Now let him rest at the bottom so he can absorb the energy from all the other cocoons.
03:52All right, next up, it's unanswered questions.
03:55That's where I play a video that makes zero sense and ask a bunch of questions about it
03:59to the studio audience, which no longer exists.
04:03Season of morning.
04:06Season of morning.
04:06Season of morning, the f*** is going on.
04:09Like, whoa, whoa, what's he doing, folks?
04:11Oh, man.
04:13Thanks for this, bitch.
04:15Please!
04:16That's not a caca!
04:18That's not a caca!
04:19How massive was the caca that caused this overflow?
04:23Why wouldn't he simply use the stairs?
04:25Why is that kid crying over a Nissan Rogue?
04:28Is she on the lease?
04:30Is this why they asked for extra towels in their room?
04:32Do you think they'll tip the maid who has to clean this up?
04:35How much are incidentals at this motel?
04:37Is this Hamptonality?
04:39No further questions.
04:40Uno mas.
04:42You can do it.
04:42Don't pussy out.
04:43Bye.
04:45Doing it for the TikTok.
04:47It's killing more teens than Corona.
04:50Now, let's watch him use the stairs for the last time in this week's breakdown.
04:54Welcome to Salt Lake City, Utah, home of Scientology for Christians.
05:02Turns out Latter-day Saints use bikes for more than just spreading Joey Smith's pyramid scheme.
05:08You can do it.
05:08Don't pussy out.
05:09She's allowed to call him that.
05:11It's her word.
05:12Besides, to me, a pussy is strong, capable, magnificent, and yummy.
05:17Don't pussy out.
05:18Five, eight, eight, two, one.
05:21Scott!
05:21Probably should have pussied out, Scott.
05:25Too bad you Tonians don't make you wear a magic helmet.
05:28Are you okay?
05:32Someone's trying to get out of spending two years in the Philippines trying to convert people
05:35who don't understand a word you're fucking saying.
05:38Take your time.
05:40Subdural hematomas actually get better the longer they go untreated.
05:43Can you go to the hospital?
05:45Yeah.
05:45You do?
05:46Okay, I can drive you.
05:48I applaud her commitment to quality footage.
05:50If she calls an ambulance, she'll have to stop filming.
05:54And then I couldn't mock him on television.
05:58Can you stay here while I go get the car so I can take him to the hospital?
06:01Yeah.
06:01Can you stay here and watch him die while I go get my car and don't come back?
06:06Yeah.
06:07Um...
06:07Maybe he wants to die so he can get his own planet.
06:12An actual thing those wife hoarders believe.
06:14And for that, we thank you.
06:17But first, there's nothing I miss more than the sounds and smells of the old ballpark.
06:23Oh my God.
06:29Dude.
06:30I'm getting shot with rubber bug shot from a 12-gauge shotgun.
06:45I'm going to put the thumbtacks into the gun, shoot it at me, and still you'll see nothing
06:50will happen.
06:50Let's do it.
07:04Now, my nipples!
07:05Yeah!
07:12He's what the jackass crew would have looked like if they'd done steroids instead of speedballs.
07:17That horribly bruised beefcake is Houston Jones, which sounds like the name of a black
07:22pimp from the 70s.
07:24But believe me, they don't make him any whiter than old H.J.
07:27He's the brains and brawn behind the Bodybuilder Versus channel.
07:31Versus what?
07:32My boner if he's not careful.
07:35Houston's videos follow a simple formula.
07:38His bros commit war crimes on him in an empty field, and he screams bloody murder.
07:42He's been power-washed, buckshot, bull-whipped, and he's caught more paintballs than a protester
07:48in Portland.
07:49The only challenge he has left is to read a book.
07:53But what's a little pain when there are tens of dollars to be made from his 200 million
07:57views on YouTube?
07:59He probably got gross now that all the gyms are closed, but thankfully, I flew him to
08:04Hollywood pre-pandemic for this week's Cewebity Profile.
08:07Hey, Daniel.
08:15Cool shorts.
08:16Thanks, Houston.
08:17Perfect timing.
08:18I was just setting up your most painful stunt yet.
08:20Stand on the X and try not to flinch.
08:23All right.
08:24All right, let's get you mic'd up.
08:26We ran out of tape, so I apologize if this is a little warm.
08:31That's toasty.
08:34It's really loud in our sound guy's ear.
08:36Today, we're paying tribute to my great-uncle, Frank Cannonball Richards.
08:42Wait, you're relating to Frank Cannonball Richards?
08:44Can you believe it?
08:45America's first jackass.
08:47But instead of a cannonball, we're using a one-gallon can of paint.
08:51And not just any paint.
08:52Sherwin-Williams High Gloss Exterior Paint, Tangerine Sunrise.
08:56That's a beautiful shade.
08:58This seems extremely irresponsible.
09:01Relax.
09:01I purchased a half-mile-long fuse because if I've learned anything from watching your videos
09:06it's that the key to a good stunt is anticipation.
09:16Houston!
09:17Where are you from?
09:18Michigan.
09:19I'm from Michigan.
09:19Is Houston your birth name?
09:21Yes.
09:21Is there any Texas tie to you?
09:23No.
09:24I think I have a grandparent that was named Houston or something.
09:26You don't know what your grandpa's name is?
09:27It was like a great-grandparent.
09:28Oh, I got you.
09:29I don't look that far back.
09:30It'd be crazy if you didn't know what your grandpa's name was.
09:32Yeah.
09:33How old are you?
09:3425.
09:34How long have you been making these videos?
09:36This has been going on about three years now.
09:38It's bodybuilder verse or bodybuilder versus?
09:43Bodybuilder versus.
09:44Versus pain?
09:45Anything.
09:46I'm proving myself against any type of physical pain or anything stupid enough that I think
09:51will look funny on camera.
09:52Okay.
09:53Let me talk about your physique.
09:54Impressive.
09:55Okay.
09:56You're not skipping leg days.
09:57No.
09:57Woo!
09:58That's why I wear these short shorts.
10:00God, I got to start working out.
10:01It's just, the writing's on the wall.
10:03It's proven that it's good for you, right?
10:05Now, I worry about you because you're doing two things.
10:08Bodybuilding can be dangerous and the stunts.
10:11We've had a bodybuilder on our show die and we've had a person that does stunts on our
10:15show die.
10:16You're both combined.
10:20Let's go through some of these.
10:2212 gauge with rubber bullets.
10:23Yeah, I have a scar right there from that.
10:25We didn't know what was going to happen, so we just kind of slowly walked forward and
10:28kept shooting me until I got hit with like eight of them at once and was bleeding from
10:32multiple locations.
10:33We're like, that's a video.
10:34Thigh punches.
10:36I can't, I can't, I can't.
10:38You wouldn't think that one was so bad, but man, it seems like it was brutal.
10:42I didn't expect to have my whole leg to turn into a bruise.
10:44Uh-huh.
10:45You know, I thought it'd be just kind of a funny, like, oh, I'll just get punched a bunch.
10:48Shot in the leg with 21 rubber paint balls.
10:51Stop, stop.
10:54How many was that?
10:54Three.
10:55Oh.
10:56I liked it because you were like, how many was that?
10:58And they're like, three.
11:00We're really bad at counting.
11:01And it was really hard to keep going because my skin just slowly is getting ripped off.
11:05At this one point, it's like, just cut the leg off.
11:07You don't want to incorporate drugs and alcohol into your bits, do you?
11:10I've done a few drinking videos.
11:12Uh-huh.
11:12Yeah, for example, I did like tequila shots and squats to see if I would puke at any point.
11:16Uh-huh.
11:16And I finished the whole fifth of tequila, and then I don't really remember after that.
11:21That seems unnecessary.
11:22I feel like pain is the wheelhouse.
11:24My wheelhouse, I think, is anything ridiculous, like getting a tattoo on the top of my head.
11:29There's a tattoo up there?
11:30Yeah, you can shave my hair.
11:31It'll be there.
11:31What did you get?
11:32A bicep.
11:33I got one inside my lip, too.
11:35What is wrong?
11:36Oh, man.
11:37Is it a right and left arm?
11:38See, we mess up the thumbs, so technically it's the same arm, but you don't need to look into it that much.
11:43Okay.
11:45A pressure washer.
11:46Whose idea was that?
11:47I think it was mine, but my cousin Weston's like, yeah, I have a pressure washer.
11:51I'm like, yeah, just bring it over.
11:52Let's do something with it.
11:53But did you test it?
11:55I mean, it really can just rip sheets of skin off.
11:57We knew it would do something, and then when we actually filmed the bit, we're like, let's just keep getting closer until we see something happens.
12:04And by the time something happened, it just peeled all my skin off.
12:07That was the moment I was like, this was dumb.
12:09And how did the skin heal?
12:10Terribly.
12:11Like, my pus was coming off of, like, my skin and stuff.
12:14It was like actual burns.
12:15What's the most painful thing that you've done on camera?
12:18When you do so many painful things, it's hard to narrow it down.
12:21Okay.
12:21But I got pepper sprayed in the butthole.
12:23Come on, Brian, hit me.
12:25Oh, no, no, no.
12:27Ah!
12:27And how did that feel?
12:28Kind of like the equivalent of pooping out really spicy peppers.
12:31I have a form of IBS.
12:33I probably could handle that.
12:34And then it washed all the way down to my genitals.
12:37It was most, like, agony I felt.
12:39Can't get it off.
12:40It's just there until it decides to stop burning.
12:42It's in my penis hole right now.
12:45What was one of the hardest stunts that you did to recover from?
12:48I got shot with a thousand paintballs.
12:50Yeah, yeah.
12:51We put that on the show.
12:52Yeah.
12:52You want to see a shirtless stud get hit with a thousand paintballs?
12:56I do.
12:59Did you appreciate that being on the show?
13:01Were you okay with it?
13:02Yeah, it was cool.
13:03I remember, like, people started messaging me, oh, you're on Tosh.
13:06Awesome.
13:07What you do is impressive.
13:08Oh, thank you.
13:08Now, there is some critique.
13:10Some of these videos are way too long.
13:13Okay, fair.
13:13Yeah.
13:14I'm always, like, jump to seven minutes where he's starting to get hurt.
13:17And I do like hearing you scream.
13:22It's enjoyable.
13:23People have said I sound like Marv from Home Alone.
13:26What's the next step?
13:31What's the big goal?
13:32I'm pretty bad at thinking down the road a ton.
13:35That's good.
13:35Do neighbors ever call and say, hey, there's someone being shot in the head in the front yard?
13:41I live surrounded by fields, like asparagus fields.
13:45Oh, what's a pea smell like around there?
13:46Bad.
13:47Okay.
13:47Yeah, everything smells bad there.
13:49I remember when I got pepper sprayed in my butthole, there was just asparagus pickers out there watching me do it.
13:53Michigan, huh?
13:54Yeah.
13:54That's where asparagus grows?
13:55Like, if you gunned to my head and told me, where does asparagus grow, I don't think I would have ever said Michigan.
14:00I don't even know what climate I thought asparagus grew in.
14:03Are your parents proud of you, embarrassed, or just worried?
14:07A mixture of all three?
14:08Uh-huh.
14:09Yeah.
14:09Is there a Mrs. Houston Jones?
14:11Yeah, we're...
14:11Oh, f***!
14:15Oh, my God!
14:18Sherwin-Williams makes a durable can.
14:20That didn't work at all.
14:21It's going on uneven.
14:30In hindsight, I should have hit you with a can of primer first.
14:33Let's get you cleaned off for the second attempt.
14:35Second attempt, what?
14:36Miss you, Uncle Frank, season of mourning.
14:44Bad news.
14:46Since we shot that, Houston's cousins have stopped participating in his videos.
14:50Season of mourning.
14:51Now he pays strangers to beat him up, which I believe is some form of prostitution.
14:57First, wakey-wakey, it's the Salmonella Surprise.
15:30How could we have possibly ended up with a global pandemic?
15:57I get it.
15:58Public restrooms are disgusting.
16:00And as someone with a hair-triggered bowel, I know how necessary pooping in public can
16:05be.
16:06That's why I dumped every penny I have into my latest invention.
16:09I just hope the sharks are ready to feed.
16:12Welcome to the Shark Tank.
16:14Hi, sharks.
16:15I'd like to start this pitch by asking Barbara to wire me $400,000, you gullible old geriatric.
16:23We love you already.
16:26Babies and grandpas have diapers, but no one else.
16:30Sure, you can hold in your poop 85% of the time, but what about the other 25%?
16:35Hi, I'm Daniel Tosh, the founder and CFO of Poop Pants, the first wearable, portable bathroom.
16:42I'm out.
16:43I'm out.
16:43Right now, each one of you is probably wanting to make a deal just to invest in these pants,
16:48and you don't even know that you can shit in them.
16:51That's amazing.
16:52I'm going to go against my gut.
16:54Let's pretend it didn't happen.
16:56You're back in.
16:57Beautiful.
16:58What if I told you, thanks to my innovative product, that shit in your pants won't be a
17:02horrible stain in your brain?
17:05That's right.
17:05Can't find a stall?
17:07No problem at all.
17:09Just drop trowel, then kapow.
17:12This is so exciting.
17:16The human body wasn't designed to be more than 30 feet away from any toilet.
17:20We've all been caught at Costco shaking a dookie down our pant leg.
17:24That's on them.
17:25You can't be giving out free samples of spicy hummus.
17:28Simply follow the step-by-step instructions.
17:30I recommend taking the 12-week certification course with enough practice, you can get your
17:35build time in under 40 minutes.
17:37At the very least, I recommend a dry run.
17:40Unfortunately, this is a wet run.
17:49Sorry about that.
17:50I feel much better.
17:51Actually, it smells pretty good.
17:52And there's an attachment that hooks up to your dishwasher for easy cleaning.
17:56I prefer the vertical aspect to it.
17:58She will hold up to four gallons, give or take a squirt.
18:02You're probably wondering what you would wear home.
18:04Well, hanging inside your portable, wearable bathroom is a second free pair of poop pants.
18:12All supplies last.
18:13What are your sales?
18:14I have none.
18:15Nothing.
18:16I'm in the hole about six grand, but I'm asking for 100% of your net worth so you stop
18:21doing this show.
18:22I think your valuation is stinky poo-poo.
18:26I'm out.
18:26I'm out.
18:27I'm out.
18:27I'm out.
18:28I'm out.
18:28You're an get the out of here.
18:31Fine.
18:31I don't need your money.
18:32Go invest millions of dollars in another sponge.
18:36I bet Mr. Wonderful wishes he had a pair of those when he found out his wife killed a
18:39guy.
18:40Now, sometimes animals don't need rescuing.
18:43They need salvation.
18:44Here's the religious quack of the week.
18:49Sir, do you have a moment to speak about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
18:55Sir?
18:56See you in hell, bird.
18:58We'll be right back with more Tosh.0 on Comedy Central.
19:02Welcome back to the only TV show that refuses to accept the results of the 2020 NBA Finals.
19:15Now, we don't often have world-famous pop stars on this show, and next week is no exception.
19:21I see his Joshua Tree.
19:25What I mean is I really like your penis, and I just want to see you naked again.
19:32Tune in to find out what his metaphors mean.
19:35Follow me on the four majors of social media.
19:38As you know, these are our final episodes on Comedy Central.
19:42And just because I may be moving on to another network doesn't mean I don't love CeCe.
19:47And to prove it, we've been paying tribute to some of my favorite executives that have made Tosh.0
19:52the longest-running weekly live-action show in network history.
19:58This week, it's Diamond Doug Herzog.
20:01Big Doug?
20:02Big Doug!
20:04This guy wasn't just in charge of Comedy Central.
20:07He was president of the whole kit and caboodle.
20:09He launched the careers of Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Amy Schubert, Jordan Peele.
20:18Hell, his son even worked at my office.
20:22Doug once let me borrow the Viacom jet to fly to New York City for 20 minutes of stand-up.
20:28I hear he's over at Quibi now with Katzenberg.
20:31I should probably give him a call.
20:33Finally, this week's lucky son of a bitch.
20:39Ooh, another unsatisfied customer coming back to complain about his brake job.
20:47Good thing he also messed up his alignment, you lucky SOB.
20:51Hologram, disengage.
20:53Good night.
21:09Good night.
21:30Good night.
21:31You
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