- 2 days ago
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00:00I'll see you next time
00:30No, Tom, this is the first time you've been trusted with such a large consignment of raw sewage.
00:42Are you sure you'll be all right?
00:43Oh, will you? Don't be worried about me at all.
00:46And remember, Tom, this is the button that opens the doors, and this is the button that makes the sewage shoot out.
00:51This one's for the doors, and this one shoves the stuff out.
00:53No, no, no, no. It's the other way around.
00:56Right, Tire.
00:58Well, look, sir.
01:00July the 19th.
01:16Why does that strike me as important?
01:19Yes.
01:21July the 19th. I wouldn't know to head you big bollocks.
01:24I'm sorry.
01:32I said, I wouldn't know to head you big bollocks.
01:36Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal?
01:38I have you, Ted, you big gobshite.
01:45Yes, well, that's all very well, but you have to remember, they're just stories.
01:48Normal people like us don't use that type of language.
01:51Remember, this is the real world.
01:52Oh, you're right there, Ted.
01:57Anyway, any idea why July the 19th should be so important?
02:01Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?
02:05No, Dougal.
02:07It can't be that precise about the Ice Age.
02:09I'll look it up in the diary.
02:15July 19th.
02:17On this day, Galway liberated from Indians.
02:23Marathon becomes Snickers.
02:24Aha, Ted, Ice Age ends.
02:33Time for tea, fathers.
02:35Mrs. Doyle, does anything strike you as important about July the 19th?
02:38It doesn't matter what day it is, father.
02:40There's always time for a nice cup of tea.
02:43Sure, didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea
02:47before giving himself up for the world?
02:50No, he didn't, Mrs. Doyle.
02:52Well, whatever equivalent they had for tea in those days.
02:55Cake or whatever.
02:57And speaking of cake, I have cake.
03:01I'm fine for cake, Mrs. Doyle.
03:02Are you sure, father?
03:04There's cocaine in it.
03:08There's what?
03:10Oh, no, not cocaine.
03:12What am I odd about?
03:13No, I meant, um, what do you call them?
03:16Raisins.
03:18Right, Shepard.
03:19I won't, thanks.
03:22Ah, you will.
03:24Sure, it's only small.
03:26It's just a tiny little cake.
03:28You won't even feel it going in.
03:30You won't even know you're eating it.
03:32No, I will know I'm eating it, Mrs. Doyle.
03:34No, you won't.
03:35Look at the size of it.
03:36It's hardly even a cake.
03:37It's a micro-cake.
03:40Mrs. Doyle, I really won't have any cake.
03:41Oh, come on now.
03:43It's got raisins, cherries, cinnamon.
03:47Cinnamon?
03:48Oh, yes.
03:48Well, actually, I do love cinnamon.
03:50Okay, Mrs. Doyle, what the heck.
03:52I'll have one.
03:52Great.
03:53No.
03:54No, father.
03:55I'm forcing you.
03:57No, no, you're not.
03:59Really?
04:00I love cinnamon.
04:01No, no, you're just being polite.
04:03But if you don't want any, all you have to do is say no.
04:07Just that one little word, no.
04:09It's a lovely word our Lord gave us to use here on Earth when we don't want any cake.
04:13Yes, but just this once, I'd actually love some cake, Mrs. Doyle.
04:17Well, you can't have any.
04:19I want cake!
04:20No.
04:21No, I'm just going out to have these destroyed.
04:23I'm sorry about that.
04:24Anyway, this date thing is bothering me now.
04:31July the 19th.
04:32Is it something we always do on July the 19th?
04:34Please!
04:38Is it something to do with Jack?
04:40Maybe it's...
04:40Oh, God!
04:41It's not his bath, is it?
04:42Oh, no, Ted, no, it couldn't be!
04:44No!
04:45No, wait, wait, calm down, wait.
04:47He's just had his bath.
04:48Remember, just before Christmas.
04:49Oh, thank God for that.
04:50Oh, God almighty.
04:52Oh, you OK?
04:55I think so.
04:58So, what could it be?
05:03Aha!
05:04Holiday.
05:11Come on, children, let her get moving.
05:16Where are we going, holiday's head?
05:18Oh, God, I don't know.
05:19Pearsons.
05:21Pearsons?
05:21No, Mr Pearson doesn't really like people staying with him on their holidays.
05:24It's not actually a guest house.
05:26Is it not?
05:27No, do you not remember the big argument we had with him last year when we tried to stay
05:30the second week?
05:32Wait, do you know where we go?
05:33Father O'Rourke has that caravan, and he said we could use it any time we want it.
05:36Oh, no, Ted, no, not again.
05:38It's very small, that caravan.
05:39No, no, he's got a new one.
05:40Apparently it's twice as big.
05:42Let's go.
05:42He said it was the one at the end.
05:50There it is, Ted, look!
05:51It's huge!
05:52It's a caravan.
05:52We're here, Father.
05:55Take it off.
05:56I think it's the best caravan in the whole world.
06:01Dougal, where's the trailer with all the stuff in it?
06:09Next thing you'll be telling me you didn't lock the front door.
06:11Ah, Ted, come on.
06:17Drake!
06:18In a minute, Father, I promise you, this is great, isn't it, Ted?
06:21Tell you and all, this is what it's all about.
06:26Wait a second, you've got to do my back.
06:28I'm wriggling up like a raisin in there.
06:30I'll be back in a sec.
06:31Father, Ted Crilly, Craggy Island, parochial house, Craggy Island.
06:57That's C-R-A-G-G-Y, island.
07:00Honestly, officer, I can't apologise enough.
07:04Oh, God, that was so embarrassing.
07:07Ted, if that's not our one, which one is?
07:18So, this is great.
07:19And, you know, it is bigger than last year's one.
07:24What'll we do first, Ted?
07:27Well, we'll take it easy for a while.
07:28I think we should, you know, just get settled into the old caravan.
07:36Right, that's enough of that.
07:38Where'd we go?
07:39Oh, here's a booklet, Ted.
07:42Places of Interest.
07:44St. Kevin's Stump, hmm?
07:46Sounds good.
07:48The Magic Road.
07:49Oh, ho, ho.
07:52Two places of interest.
07:55What's the Magic Road, Ted?
07:57It's one of those bizarre natural wonders where everything's gone haywire and nothing works the way it's supposed to.
08:02It's a bit like you, Dougal.
08:04Except it's a road.
08:05I still don't understand.
08:07It's a kind of a mad road.
08:09Yes, it's what's called a strange phenomenon.
08:11If you stopped a car in it and took off the handbrake, it would roll uphill and water would flow up it.
08:16That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes.
08:18No, Dougal.
08:21That's not mad.
08:23That's when our Lord got just one or two bits of food and turned into a whole pile of food and everyone had it for dinner.
08:28God, he was fantastic, wasn't he?
08:31Ah, he was brilliant.
08:34Father Jack, do you have any preferences?
08:36Holiday!
08:38Yes, we're on holiday.
08:39Would you like to go anywhere?
08:40What?
08:42Would you like to go somewhere?
08:44Who are you?
08:46I was just asking.
08:48Would you like to go somewhere now that we're here?
08:50Would you like to go for a lovely walk?
08:52I like cake!
08:53Yes, I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now.
08:57Where am I?
08:59What's that thing there?
09:01Are those my feet?
09:04God, let's just get him to sleep and we'll head off ourselves.
09:07Okay, Father.
09:09Into your box.
09:10Drink!
09:12Arse!
09:13Girls!
09:14Look!
09:17Let's go and look for the magic road.
09:19The holiday starts here, Dougal.
09:20Ha-ha.
09:27Come on, let's play Scrabble.
09:30Did you bring the travel Scrabble, Dougal?
09:33I brought the normal Scrabble and the travel Scrabble, Ted.
09:36The travel Scrabble for when we were travelling and the normal Scrabble for when we arrived.
09:40Good man.
09:41I know, er, wait a minute.
09:44Now that I think of it, I didn't bring either of them.
09:47Right.
09:48God, I'm an awful idiot.
09:51So, er, what will we do for the next two weeks?
09:55Will I put on the kettle?
09:56Yeah, go on.
10:03Must be one of the ones that clicks off automatically.
10:05Yes.
10:08Bit of steam there.
10:11Incidentally, did you bring any tea bags?
10:14No.
10:17Right.
10:23Kettle's boiled there, Ted.
10:26Mm, yeah.
10:27Will I put more water in and turn it on again?
10:31No, I, er, I liked it best the first time.
10:35Maybe we could turn it on without putting any water in at all.
10:39See what happens.
10:41Don't think you should do that.
10:42It, er, it would just blow up and you'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face for the next year and a half.
10:47You get big red blotches and a puffy fish lips bigger than the rest of your face.
10:52Like Father Bigley.
10:55Exactly like Father Bigley.
10:56Maybe that's what happened to him.
11:0296, 97,
11:0498,
11:0699,
11:07100.
11:10Coming.
11:13Ready or not.
11:19Gah!
11:19All right.
11:21Here we go.
11:25One,
11:26two,
11:27three,
11:28four,
11:30five,
11:31five,
11:32six,
11:33six,
11:34six,
11:35six,
11:36okay,
11:36one last time.
11:39These are small,
11:41but the ones out there,
11:43are far away.
11:45small,
11:53far away.
11:58I forget it.
11:59Ted,
12:00you know the way your eyes sometimes play tricks on you?
12:11I know.
12:15Father Larry Duff.
12:16Larry.
12:17Yeah.
12:18He sometimes comes around this area when he gets a break.
12:20He's tremendous fun.
12:21I'll give him a call on his mobile phone.
12:23I got him one for Christmas.
12:24He's always complaining that nobody rings him on it.
12:27He's always complaining that nobody rings him on it.
12:28Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
12:30Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
12:32BING
12:33BING
12:34BING
12:35BING
12:36BING
12:37BING
12:38BING
12:39BING
12:40BING
12:41BING
12:42BING
12:43BING
12:44BING
12:45BING
12:46Must have it switched off.
12:47BING
12:48BING
12:49BING
12:50BING
12:51BING
12:52BING
12:53BING
12:54BING
12:55Why is it called St Kevin's stump?
12:57BING
12:58BING
12:59Doesn't say.
13:00BING
13:02BING
13:03So is this what all holidays are like, Ted?
13:06Actually, yeah.
13:08Anyway, we'd better get back to Jack.
13:10Ah, he's fine. He said he'd stay put by the cliffs.
13:13BING
13:14BING
13:15BING
13:16BING
13:17BING
13:20BING
13:21BING
13:22BING
13:23BING
13:24BING
13:25BING
13:26BING
13:27BING
13:28BING
13:29BING
13:30Can we go over to the rock and back, Ted?
13:32Well, come on, Ted. We're on holidays. Live in it.
13:38All right, but we'd better get back to Jack soon.
13:41Drink! Drink!
13:50Well, here we are.
13:53Will we go over to that fence now, Ted?
13:56No, we might just blow up the excitement if we did that now.
13:59We did save something for next week.
14:02Let's go.
14:09Ooh...
14:10Ooh...
14:22Father... Ted...
14:24Peggy Island... Broken House...
14:27C... Or...
14:29You know all that.
14:31Listen, you know the whole business of reporting missing persons?
14:33I've heard of it, yes.
14:35Well, does it cost any money to report a missing person?
14:37No.
14:38Great. Tell you what. We seem to have lost one of our party.
14:41Father Jack Hackett.
14:43God, how would you describe him?
14:45Mid-fifties.
14:46To mid-eighties. Tremendous smell of vegetables off him for some reason.
14:49Angry man. Very angry man.
14:51Hates children. Likes the odd drink.
14:53And if you find him, don't come up on him from behind.
14:55You won't like that at all.
14:57And one thing.
14:58Do you carry those electric stunner gadgets?
15:01No.
15:02Why?
15:03No.
15:04No reason.
15:05Right.
15:06Anything else I can do for you while I'm here?
15:08Want to confess any unsolved murders or anything?
15:10No, we're fine for the old unsolved murders.
15:14God, some holiday this is turning out to be.
15:16Come on.
15:17Please, now Jack's gone, there'll be more room in the caravan.
15:20Ebony and ivory
15:24Get together in perfect harmony
15:28Side by side I'm a piano
15:30Keyboard, oh Lord
15:32Why don't we
15:34Saints!
15:35Hello, Nola.
15:36What in goodness name are you doing here?
15:38Well, actually, this is our caravan.
15:40Father Ruth said we could use it.
15:42Yes, I see.
15:44I think you must say it to everyone.
15:46Hey, you lot, room for two more in the St. Luke's youth group.
15:49Hmm.
15:50Motion pass, sit down there
15:51And we'll have a bit of an old song.
15:52What can we sing?
15:53Will you sing one, Ted?
15:54No, I won't, thanks.
15:55Ah, you will.
15:56You have a lovely voice.
15:57Very like Celine Dion.
16:01Will you dance, then?
16:02Come on, Tony.
16:03Sit down on the old Riverdance album.
16:04Actually...
16:07Actually, Noel, I'm quite tired.
16:09What?
16:10Ah, maybe you're right, actually.
16:11We're all a bit exhausted from the old singing.
16:14Some of us overdid it down the old local last night.
16:17Jerry Fields knows who I'm talking about, huh?
16:21What?
16:22Eh?
16:23Yeah.
16:24Anyway, we arrived back at God.
16:26Must have been half ten.
16:29And some of us crawled in.
16:31Janine Riley knows what I'm talking about there, don't you?
16:34Don't you?
16:35Yeah.
16:36And she wasn't the only one.
16:38Tony Lynch.
16:39Tony Lynch!
16:40He knows her!
16:41Look at him there, all sweetness and light.
16:43And he wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven.
16:48Oh!
16:49Father Noel Furlong, you're a fine young fella.
16:52What age would you say I am?
16:53Go on, guess.
16:54What age would you say?
16:55Don't you tell him.
16:56He knows.
16:57Look at him there and I'd tell him.
16:58No.
16:59Go on, guess.
17:00What would you say?
17:01Tate!
17:02Haven't seen you in ages.
17:05How are you?
17:06I saw the whole of the moon.
17:09Come on, Tony.
17:10Let's sing up.
17:11He's into the stars and you know how it feels.
17:16Too high.
17:17Too far.
17:19You saw.
17:21You saw the whole of the moon.
17:24Woo!
17:25Woo!
17:26Dirty old town.
17:28Dirty old town.
17:30God, Ted, they have me worn out.
17:33They're a mad crowd.
17:35What time is it?
17:37Heftin!
17:38No.
17:39We should all go to bed.
17:41Where's Tony Lynch off to?
17:43Probably to get some heroin.
17:45No, I'm just going to the toilet, Father.
17:47Oh, nice.
17:48Anyone else need to go?
17:50Ted?
17:51Dougal?
17:52Are you okay?
17:53We're grand, thanks, Noel.
17:54Are you sure now, Ted?
17:55You don't need a little tinkle.
17:57I'm fine, thanks.
17:58I'll go again.
17:59The worst thing would be to keep it in.
18:01Because your bladder could go mental.
18:02Yes.
18:03A friend of mine, Father Sweeney, he had a very small bladder.
18:07About the size of a Terry's chocolate orange.
18:09Noel!
18:10I really...
18:12I'm fine.
18:13Okay?
18:14I'm fine.
18:15You're like a bunch of camels.
18:19Anyway, we'll get the sleeping bags out.
18:22Will it not be a bit cramped, Noel?
18:25Not at all!
18:26The more, the merrier.
18:32I sent columns on a great old football team in the mid-fifties.
18:35Do you remember, Ted?
18:36They won the Father Fitzgibbon Cup.
18:38Father Fitzgibbon.
18:40Think about him, Wiles.
18:41He looked like a cup.
18:42Cranky ears.
18:43Like handles.
18:44Do you remember him, Ted?
18:45Ted!
18:46Are you asleep?
18:47Do you remember him?
18:48Yes!
18:49I remember him, Noel.
18:50Ooh!
18:51Who's a bit of a moaning Michael tonight?
18:54God almighty!
18:55It's nearly six o'clock in the morning.
18:57I think what we should all do now is tell a few ghost stories!
19:03Ted!
19:04Yes?
19:05I'm going mad.
19:06Yes, yes, let's get out of here.
19:07Let's go home.
19:08Ooh!
19:09Who's that now?
19:10Is that Jerry Fields heading off to the disco?
19:14It's only us Noel, we're heading out for some fresh air.
19:29Don't forget to bring us back some.
19:31Right son.
19:32Big feckin' eget.
19:34What about Jackie?
19:38What about Jack?
19:41Chances are he's gone back to Craggy Island.
19:43He's an amazing homing instinct.
19:44I wouldn't be surprised if we opened the front door
19:46to find him there with a big smile on his face
19:48and his arms outstretched to welcome his back.
19:50What?
19:51Well, maybe not the smile on his face.
19:55Or the outstretched arms.
19:57Or the welcome back.
19:59He's probably there.
20:01Oh, God, Dougal, is your man quick? I don't want him to see us.
20:07Oh!
20:21Jerry!
20:23Jerry!
20:24Jerry!
20:26Open. Please open.
20:28You're all right there, Ted. He's a fair bit away yet.
20:31Might be worth speeding up there a bit, Ted.
20:37Sorry about that.
20:40Bloody perverts!
20:50Oh, Ted. He's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away.
20:58Maybe we should let him off.
20:59I've been thinking about that for ages.
21:01It's just I'm sure he's going to start giving out to us.
21:03We could pretend we didn't see him.
21:05I don't think you'd believe us.
21:07Oh, we'd better let him off, Ted.
21:09Oh, all right. I suppose so.
21:16Get out of the car!
21:17Hello again!
21:18Get out of the car!
21:20Right!
21:23I think he's calming down a bit.
21:25Ah, no.
21:28No!
21:29Ah!
21:30Ah, no.
21:31Now come on there. There's absolutely no need for that type of nonsense.
21:34He's puncturing the tires, Ted.
21:39I can tell you're impressing nobody with that type of thing.
21:42God, Ted, I'm so tired. Maybe we should go back.
21:53No, no, no, no, no, no.
21:54I'm not going anywhere near an old furlong again.
21:56God knows what they're getting up to by now.
21:58Don't worry, Ted, it's a big truck!
22:00He can give us a lift!
22:01Oh, God!
22:02I've got a tent, I've got a tent.
22:03I've got a tent, I've got a tent, I've got a tent.
22:05I've got a tent.
22:06Send him in, turn him in and out.
22:08Don't worry, Ted.
22:09I've got a tent.
22:10You don't worry.
22:11I've got a tent.
22:12We're going to fire.
22:13I don't know.
22:14Don't worry, Ted.
22:15He'll be scared.
22:16I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ted.
22:17It's us.
22:18And you're just after me.
22:19You can't find that.
22:20You can't go away now.
22:21Ah, Ted, Ted, there's a big truck!
22:22It can give us a lift.
22:23It's a big truck.
22:27It can give us a lift.
22:28Oh, thank God.
22:32Hello, Farris.
22:34Tom, thank God, Tom.
22:36We need a lift.
22:37Fair enough, Farris.
22:38Hold on there.
22:38I'll open the door.
22:53Sorry about that, Farris.
23:16How's this a bitch?
23:18Father, you're awake.
23:20Is this a bitch?
23:20Thank God.
23:21It took us ages to put you on board.
23:23This is Farris.
23:24Will you have something to drink?
23:3296, 97, 98, 99, 100.
23:37Coming now, ready or not.
23:53Oh, thank God.
24:07All right.
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